- 59 minutes ago
Season 1 (1989-1990)
Season 2 (1990-1991)
Season 2 (1990-1991)
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01:01We've got laughs from coast to coast
00:01:03To make you smile
00:01:06A real light look at each of you
00:01:09To capture all that style
00:01:11You're the red, white, and blue
00:01:13Welcome to America's Funniest Home Videos Game
00:01:17I'm Ernie Anderson. I introduce the show each week on television
00:01:21So Parker Brothers asked me to introduce the game
00:01:24Featuring some of the funniest videos from the show
00:01:27With the original quips, wisecracks, and jokes
00:01:30From the show's host, Bob Saget
00:01:33The first thing you probably did
00:01:35Was drop this tape into your VCR
00:01:37Without reading the directions
00:01:38Don't feel too silly
00:01:40Half of America did exactly the same thing
00:01:43Now I'll give you a brief overview of the game
00:01:46But you have to promise
00:01:47To go back and read the rules
00:01:50Before you play
00:01:51Promise?
00:01:52Okay
00:01:52America, this is you
00:01:55The object of the game
00:01:59Is to be the first person
00:02:00To reach the $100,000 goal
00:02:03At the end of the game board
00:02:05Let's watch Daddy fly on airplane, Mom
00:02:08Okay, kids, stand back
00:02:10And let Dad show you how it's done
00:02:11There are three parts to game play
00:02:17Video vote
00:02:17Video question and answer
00:02:19And crazy caption
00:02:20Allison's excited
00:02:22How excited?
00:02:23This excited
00:02:24Happy day to do
00:02:26Happy day to do
00:02:30Yay!
00:02:33To play
00:02:34Draw a card from the shuffle deck
00:02:37If it's a video vote card
00:02:38You all watch three videos
00:02:41Then everybody else tries to guess
00:02:43How you rated them
00:02:44From least funny
00:02:45To funniest
00:02:46I keep forgetting
00:02:48Are we supposed to hibernate
00:02:49In the spring or the fall?
00:02:51Must be the fall
00:02:52If you draw a video question and answer card
00:02:57Everyone watches a clip
00:02:59Then you try to answer
00:03:00A question about it
00:03:02Alright, the camera's back from the shop
00:03:04Now try to hit it to me, son
00:03:05If a crazy caption card comes up
00:03:10The whole group watches a clip
00:03:12And writes a caption about it
00:03:14Then everybody tries to guess
00:03:16Who wrote which caption
00:03:18Here's a do-it-yourselfer saving big bucks
00:03:21He is single-handedly changing his car
00:03:24From front wheel drive
00:03:25To front seat drive
00:03:27In all three cases
00:03:32Whoever answers correctly
00:03:34According to the rules
00:03:35Which you promise to read
00:03:36Scores by moving their pawn
00:03:38Then you play another round
00:03:40I'm gonna peck at this kid's moccasins
00:03:42Cause I'm despicable
00:03:44You can't escape
00:03:46Alright then
00:03:47Now snap at your sandals
00:03:49Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap
00:03:51Now stop the tape
00:03:53And read the rules
00:03:54Now get ready to play
00:03:58America's Funniest Home Videos Game
00:04:01Everybody just loves a bubbly little baby.
00:04:06No, no, don't drink it.
00:04:07No, no, no.
00:04:14Does this video remind you of an ad for suntan lotion?
00:04:18If not, then where have you been for the past 20 years?
00:04:20This is Jerry Ann Campbell and Juba.
00:04:23Okay, let's pretend this is the world's youngest bride and groom.
00:04:36You may kiss the bride.
00:04:41You may tweak the nose of the bride.
00:04:45You may never see the bride again.
00:04:47We should scratch his nose.
00:04:54We should scratch his nose.
00:05:17Oh, she's just finished feeding.
00:05:30Now, how can you tell when a baby's full when they start overheating?
00:05:33She's interested in everything except you.
00:05:35Oh!
00:05:38We're going to fade now.
00:05:41Here's a cow that would just love to go home with Patty Maya.
00:05:49Of course, I just say that tongue-in-cheek.
00:05:57This is Zoe.
00:05:59This is his first time on a leash.
00:06:02Does he like it?
00:06:04Would you?
00:06:07Come on.
00:06:09Who's the boss now?
00:06:11Zoe likes to help around the house.
00:06:13Here he is helping his owner buff the kitchen floor.
00:06:22This man is not attempting water skiing.
00:06:24He's trying a new sport.
00:06:26Let's rip my arms out of their sockets.
00:06:27Ah!
00:06:28Ah!
00:06:29Ah!
00:06:29Ah!
00:06:30Ah!
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00:07:00Ah!
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00:07:02Ah!
00:07:03Ah!
00:07:04Ah!
00:07:05Ah!
00:07:06Yo, yo, taxi. Hey, I'm over here.
00:07:16Where you going, downtown?
00:07:21What are you, off duty? Hey, cabbie, over here.
00:07:29Patrick Asher waited until his parents were gone, set up the camera himself,
00:07:33and demonstrated his unusual musical talent.
00:07:36Okay, I'm in the position. Okay.
00:07:42And what a talent. He's disciplining himself as he plays.
00:07:46When he takes a bow, he completely disappears.
00:07:53This craftsman from Bavaria shows us how to refinish floors with an ancient European dog.
00:07:59Ja, das ist gut.
00:08:01Honest, this dog actually likes this.
00:08:06Told you. See, he wants more.
00:08:11He just loves to dust.
00:08:14And his owner loves him so much, he made sure there weren't any splinters on the floor.
00:08:17What do you do when someone gives you those charming trick candles that won't go out?
00:08:27First, you hyperventilate.
00:08:30Then you give him your best shot.
00:08:31Mmm, here's a new taste treat. Grapefruit.
00:08:41I guess grapefruit is an acquired taste.
00:08:50Here's a toddler tidbit.
00:08:57When you eat ice cream, always wear your mittens.
00:09:01This dog is a cross-dresser.
00:09:22He wants to wear this boy's clothes, starting with his socks.
00:09:28Look at this. This is one determined cross-dressing dog.
00:09:31This is a revolutionary new way to remove calluses.
00:09:44Now, how about that nose job?
00:09:46Oh, this feels terrific.
00:09:58Left.
00:09:59Higher.
00:10:01Right.
00:10:02Lower.
00:10:04Oh.
00:10:05Oh, yeah.
00:10:05Now, do the other side, will ya?
00:10:11Ah, you know how you can really make me happy?
00:10:14Use the drape attachment.
00:10:16I'm feeling great, but I think your vacuum's got a hairball.
00:10:23And there's the bell.
00:10:25Two out of three falls.
00:10:25No tailbiting.
00:10:27He has his shoulders pinned to the mat.
00:10:28Does he have shoulders?
00:10:29I think he does.
00:10:31He's kissing the canvas.
00:10:32No, he's licking the canvas.
00:10:33No, he's not licked yet.
00:10:34Hey, no hitting below the flea collar.
00:10:37Ah, chewing, chewing.
00:10:38Marmalade's out of that jam and wins best eight out of nine lives.
00:10:46To be my wedded husband.
00:10:48To be my wedded husband.
00:10:49To have and to hold.
00:10:53But if you really can't hold, you just have to excuse yourself.
00:10:57For better or worse.
00:11:00I gotta go to the bathroom tonight, please.
00:11:02All right.
00:11:04Hey, Jeffrey, you think that rope's gonna hold your weight?
00:11:13Oh, no problem.
00:11:13This is great.
00:11:23We're perfectly synchronized up and back.
00:11:26Did you hear that?
00:11:27It sounded like a chain breaking.
00:11:28I'm a wuss.
00:11:40Oh, no.
00:11:41Now he wants to dump more doggone dirt on me.
00:11:44Darn this dirt dumping desperado.
00:11:49Oh, the humiliation.
00:11:50Oh, no.
00:11:56What does he think this is?
00:11:57The Kentucky Derby?
00:12:01Here's the question of the week.
00:12:03Why am I putting up with this?
00:12:06I'll tell you why.
00:12:07Because I love that kid.
00:12:18This is the grandmothers versus the kids.
00:12:20The grandmothers are in the blue.
00:12:22And I think they're a tad overconfident.
00:12:24Sweetheart, I'm gonna go adjust the jib
00:12:35and see if I can get this old tub moving a little faster.
00:12:39What we need is a big gust of wind.
00:12:41How can you tell when the largest bratwurst in the world is cooked?
00:13:06You just poke it with a fork.
00:13:11I wouldn't pick up that hose if I were you.
00:13:31I wouldn't pick up that hose if I were you.
00:13:41I wouldn't pick up that hose if I were you.
00:13:51I wouldn't.
00:13:52Eh, no one's listening to me anyway.
00:13:54Go ahead, kid.
00:13:55Squirt yourself.
00:13:55Oh, boy.
00:14:04I shouldn't have drunk all that apple juice.
00:14:07Oh, boy.
00:14:09Oh, boy.
00:14:10Oh, boy.
00:14:11Oh, boy.
00:14:12Oh, boy.
00:14:13Oh, boy.
00:14:15Okay, we're coming to the end.
00:14:16Oh, boy.
00:14:18Oh, boy.
00:14:19All right, we made it.
00:14:20This is the homegrown version of the shower scene from Psycho.
00:14:27Now, listen as the Norman Bates character says...
00:14:29There she is, folks.
00:14:31She says...
00:14:32Can you take it through the curtain?
00:14:34Hell no.
00:14:35What's this?
00:14:36It's curtains for her.
00:14:40There she is, folks.
00:14:41Turn the house down.
00:14:42Watch this.
00:14:42You heard it.
00:14:43You heard it first on this broadcasting station.
00:14:45A few scoops of ice cream.
00:14:56I'm slipping.
00:14:57I'm sliding.
00:14:58With the hedge, I'm colliding.
00:15:02Weeds.
00:15:08Okay, I got this side of the wall.
00:15:10Oh, this prefab stuff.
00:15:11It's pretty easy.
00:15:13Harry, you grab the other side while I slide this wall in place.
00:15:15Just be sure it doesn't fall over.
00:15:18Harry?
00:15:19Harry, where are you?
00:15:20I'm in the truck.
00:15:22Harry, Harry.
00:15:23Yo, Harry, Harry.
00:15:24Yo, uh, Harry.
00:15:25Uh, Harry.
00:15:27Please get out of the truck.
00:15:29Hi, Harry.
00:15:33For you people who can't figure this out,
00:15:35this is Brent Mayer of Charlotte, North Carolina,
00:15:37and he's not icing a giant cake from the inside.
00:15:40No, he's spray-painting his ceiling.
00:15:43And not very well.
00:15:45This tape is kind of cool.
00:16:00It's from Carmine Artone of Chantilly, Virginia,
00:16:03and we still don't know how it's done.
00:16:04That guy's got one heck of a strong ankle.
00:16:10Hi, I'm Scott Sullivan,
00:16:15and right now I'm going to show you a magic trick
00:16:17that you can do at home.
00:16:19First of all, get down on your knees,
00:16:21like I am now.
00:16:22Then put both hands on the floor
00:16:24and turn them both into the center,
00:16:26like I am mine.
00:16:27Now pick either hand you want
00:16:29and start turning it toward the back.
00:16:35Kind of hurts, doesn't it?
00:16:37But you know,
00:16:38if you just grit your teeth
00:16:39and keep it going,
00:16:43you can finally get it
00:16:45back,
00:16:46around.
00:16:47Ah,
00:16:48to where?
00:16:50You start it.
00:16:51Pretty handy, eh?
00:16:59David Andorra has been studying magic
00:17:01for at least an hour,
00:17:02and he's going to turn this handkerchief
00:17:04into a pigeon.
00:17:06At least that's the plan.
00:17:08Problem number one,
00:17:09the pigeon shows up early
00:17:10and the handkerchief is still there.
00:17:13Problems two and three,
00:17:14the pigeon refuses to go into the box,
00:17:16and his other pigeon gets lonely.
00:17:21Anybody have David Copperfield's home number?
00:17:31Remember David who had trouble
00:17:33with the pigeons?
00:17:34I bet you can't forget him.
00:17:35Well, he's back with a rabbit
00:17:36because it can't fly away.
00:17:41All it can do is hop away.
00:17:45That brought the house down.
00:17:46David!
00:17:54Mommy,
00:17:55I've been thinking.
00:17:56I know what I want to do now
00:17:57when I grow up.
00:17:58I want to join the circus
00:17:59and be a trapeze artist.
00:18:01What do you think?
00:18:03Oh, yeah,
00:18:09I got my shovel
00:18:09and I'm helping Aunt Cindy.
00:18:11I got a big load of snow here.
00:18:13I'll bet she's going to give me
00:18:13something for helping, too.
00:18:15I'll bet it's going to be
00:18:15something really nice.
00:18:16I can't wait
00:18:17until she gives me something.
00:18:24Let's watch Daddy
00:18:25fly our airplane, Mom.
00:18:27Okay, kids,
00:18:28stand back
00:18:28and let Dad
00:18:29show you how it's done.
00:18:30This is the latest model airplane
00:18:38from the Kamikaze Toy Factory.
00:18:46I never want to see this glider again.
00:18:48Now, here's a mean trick to play on someone who loves you.
00:18:57Attack yourself with a rubber snake.
00:18:58Don't ever use Mexican jumping beans as bait.
00:19:00Don't ever use Mexican jumping beans as bait.
00:19:12Don't ever use Mexican jumping beans as bait.
00:19:25Hopped out.
00:19:28Hopped out, man.
00:19:29Hopped out?
00:19:30Yeah.
00:19:31Yeah.
00:19:31It feels like a twin.
00:19:32It's gone.
00:19:33Oh, darn it.
00:19:36He keeps on hopping out.
00:19:39It's just a hopper.
00:19:41It's just a hopper.
00:19:43Watch me, kids.
00:19:47They're off.
00:19:48I have a kid.
00:19:49He keeps on hopping out.
00:19:50Oh, there he goes.
00:20:03Well, needless to say,
00:20:04Lee Myers is the life of the party.
00:20:06Want some breath spray, Lee?
00:20:08Wait, I'm going to throw up.
00:20:12Now, he's waiting with bated breath.
00:20:14It's an old joke, but who cares?
00:20:16So is Lee.
00:20:18It's a pettuccine Alfredo.
00:20:20I don't think I'm hungry.
00:20:30This boy's got the world's first computerized dog.
00:20:34It's a laptop.
00:20:41Uncle Steve's cherry pie is usually better than this.
00:20:45I'll bet even my dog, Mike, wouldn't like this.
00:20:48Hey, Mike, he likes it.
00:20:49He'll eat anything.
00:20:51Here, have another spoonful of this slop.
00:20:55Oh, boy, Uncle Steve's going to think I ate it all.
00:20:59Quick, boys.
00:21:00Eat it up before Uncle Steve comes out.
00:21:02Go ahead now.
00:21:04Mmm.
00:21:06Oh, Blue, you're going to be old red when you're done eating this.
00:21:09OK, boys, you lick the plate clean.
00:21:11Now we'll play a little frisbee.
00:21:12You back off now.
00:21:13I need room to throw the frisbee.
00:21:15Oh, boys, come on.
00:21:16Back off.
00:21:17Oh, that's the last time you get pie.
00:21:24Hey, Billy said there's a man-eating bush over at the Wilsons.
00:21:28David Dillard of Mount Vernon, Washington is teaching his son how to do a wheelie.
00:21:38All you need is a bicycle, a little tug, and a big jerk.
00:21:45Now this little guy needs a tune-up on oil and a lube.
00:21:53Maybe he needs his head aligned and his ears rotated.
00:21:58I think someone off-camera just finished eating a big lunch.
00:22:12Ow.
00:22:13Ow.
00:22:14Oh, Lindsey, that was a big burp.
00:22:19This mutt thinks he's a boxer, and he's in training to get that postman who always rings
00:22:24twice.
00:22:25One, two, three.
00:22:34This is Minnesota Cats.
00:22:39Notice he has no tail.
00:22:41Left tail in the corner pocket.
00:22:43Look out, you don't scratch.
00:22:46Not only does he get the ball in the pocket, he gets it all in the pocket.
00:22:52Uh, hey, Birdie, your shoelace is untied.
00:22:55Oh, yeah?
00:22:56I wasn't hatched yesterday.
00:22:57Get away.
00:22:58I'll pick your eyes out, I tell ya.
00:23:00Ha, you flea-bitten furball.
00:23:02Now look, I'm picking my beak now, so just back off.
00:23:05Back off, I said.
00:23:07Get to the point where you can't even pick your beak anymore.
00:23:11Pick my beak.
00:23:13Now that's better.
00:23:14Oh, yeah.
00:23:15I'm sure glad I traded old Trigger in for this newfangled lawnmower here.
00:23:20Hey, whoa, whoa!
00:23:21Whoa!
00:23:22Ow!
00:23:23Oh, Nelly!
00:23:24Oh!
00:23:25Oh!
00:23:26Tarnation, you mechanical thing!
00:23:28Oh, no!
00:23:29Oh, I think I got lawn burn.
00:23:41All right, you can do it right here at home, honey.
00:23:46And you can go fast, the way, you know, you do, like, you can stand up on it like this.
00:23:51Ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:23:58Ron Bullard of Vicksburg, Virginia, is dressed in black because he's in mourning.
00:24:03He just lost his coordination.
00:24:09It don't work, Ron.
00:24:13Here's the largest selling car in Munchkin land.
00:24:16Now check out this feature.
00:24:18Instead of just parallel parking, it does something really cool.
00:24:21Perpendicular parking.
00:24:28Uh, boss, are you sure those boards are gonna hold?
00:24:31Sure, sure.
00:24:32Just throw in reverse and let it come down.
00:24:34I got my feet on those boards.
00:24:35Don't worry.
00:24:36Yeah, that's it.
00:24:37Now keep it coming.
00:24:38Keep it coming.
00:24:39Uh, I can't find reverse, boss.
00:24:41I found the tape deck, though.
00:24:42Just bring it back, will ya?
00:24:43It's looking good.
00:24:44Hold it steady.
00:24:45Hold it.
00:24:49Perfect.
00:24:50Here's your typical reception down at the high school gym.
00:25:03So far, bride two, groom nothing.
00:25:08Whoever catches the bouquet gets married next.
00:25:10These girls are desperate.
00:25:12Here's a fun new tradition.
00:25:19Bouquet football.
00:25:20And here's the snap.
00:25:31This is why you should always align the eye holes on your child's shopping bag before you let them go.
00:25:43When your father finds you jumping on the bed, he's gonna have you up against the wall.
00:25:52Here's the brother Mary Poppins doesn't talk about.
00:25:55Sidney Poppins.
00:26:01I don't know if we can get them to come over here.
00:26:06A man and his family with a simple wish.
00:26:08A closer look at a giraffe.
00:26:10Schmidt family, welcome to the Twilight Zoo.
00:26:13Yes, look at the giraffe!
00:26:15Oh, wow!
00:26:17Oh, my God!
00:26:21Oh, cow!
00:26:23There's a giraffe in our car!
00:26:28I can't believe it!
00:26:31Wowee!
00:26:35Henry?
00:26:36Yes, my darling?
00:26:37Are we dancing on the heating vent?
00:26:40Why do you ask, my darling?
00:26:42Because my buns are getting cold and my ankles are getting warm.
00:26:45Oh, my little baby.
00:26:46You're a fox when you waltz.
00:26:47I don't think I can wait to get you home.
00:26:48Oh, my little baby.
00:26:49You're a fox when you waltz.
00:26:50I don't think I can wait to get you home.
00:26:51Oh, kiss me, sugar hips.
00:26:52All right, are you ready to dance?
00:26:53Now grab your partner, spin her around.
00:26:54Watch out for those chairs or you're on the ground.
00:26:55Hee-haw!
00:26:56On the ground!
00:26:57Yeah, yeah.
00:26:58Come on.
00:27:02Nice!
00:27:03Oh, my little baby!
00:27:04You're a fox when you waltz.
00:27:05I don't think I can wait to get you home.
00:27:08Oh, kiss me, sugar hips!
00:27:09All right, are you ready to dance?
00:27:17Now grab your partner, spin her around,
00:27:19watch out for those chairs or you're on the ground.
00:27:21Hee-haw, on the ground.
00:27:23Yeah, yeah.
00:27:30Scarlet?
00:27:31Yes, Red?
00:27:32I don't think we should have worn a Velcro Forma wear.
00:27:39Let Joy be unconfined.
00:27:44That's Joy, and she should be confined.
00:27:46Let Joy be unconfined.
00:28:09You want a holly, or you want a bike that sounds like one?
00:28:17And there was upon the land a building.
00:28:22And that building was of such strength that nothing could put it asunder.
00:28:28Dynamite, even a ball of wrecking.
00:28:30Not even the balleth could knocketh downeth this building of strength,
00:28:33named the Building of Goliath.
00:28:35Then upon the land came a young shepherd named David,
00:28:38who threw a pebble at the Goliath building.
00:28:43And yea, verily, the building came tumbling down.
00:28:47Who'd have figureth?
00:28:54Oh, run, David, the smoketh cometh.
00:28:56Oh, man.
00:29:01I will make this car into a rainbow.
00:29:04For those of you who missed that,
00:29:06he just said,
00:29:07I'm going to make a scarf into a rainbow.
00:29:25He should have had instructions up his sleeve.
00:29:27Now, this man shouldn't be using a three-wood on a miniature golf course.
00:29:40Please be quiet.
00:29:41Bobby Abercrombie is addressing the ball.
00:29:43Oh, she fanned it.
00:29:44Her husband, Charles, is coming over,
00:29:46and he knows what the problem is,
00:29:48because he's an expert.
00:29:49She has to keep her head down.
00:29:50Remember, keep your head down,
00:29:52and always replace the divots
00:29:54from your husband's face.
00:30:03Nothing can stop Paul Ingalls' putt from going in,
00:30:06except an act of total stupidity.
00:30:07Oh, man, I hate golfers.
00:30:15I hate their ugly pants,
00:30:17and I hate that they wear my picture on their shirts.
00:30:20Ah, got your ball.
00:30:24You want your ball back?
00:30:27I got your ball right here.
00:30:29Come and get it, Wimpo.
00:30:30Now, in an earthquake,
00:30:38you should take the children
00:30:39immediately into the shelter of a doorway.
00:30:42And if you're naked,
00:30:43always run right into the dining room.
00:30:44An earthquake.
00:30:51Go get that.
00:30:52Ugh!
00:30:56If you think this is difficult,
00:30:58talk to the guy underwater
00:30:59and they're balancing the chair on his shoulders.
00:31:05Whenever there's a flood,
00:31:07most people run for a plumber.
00:31:08James Blank of Defiance, Ohio,
00:31:11ran for his waterboard.
00:31:13Cowabunga, dudes.
00:31:15All right, streets up.
00:31:19We out of power, aren't we?
00:31:20We had a stop sign.
00:31:22When towing a water skier,
00:31:30you usually need two people in the boat.
00:31:32One to watch the skier, of course,
00:31:33and one to watch where your boat's going.
00:31:36Land ho!
00:31:42I got a great idea.
00:31:43Let's see that again
00:31:44with a spotlight effect.
00:31:46Now here's a man who's too cheap to buy water skis,
00:31:54so he's skiing on his feet.
00:31:57Now watch while he tries to gather his aplomb
00:31:59and his pants at the same time.
00:32:01How's it going, Maude?
00:32:09You know my pants fell down 15 times today.
00:32:13You're not kidding?
00:32:13No.
00:32:15Eh, look at that.
00:32:20Okay, it's Granny's turn.
00:32:22Gee, my name is Granny,
00:32:24and I'm falling on my fanny.
00:32:25This is Vera Henson.
00:32:33She's a retired umbrella tester.
00:32:35Here she is reminiscing.
00:32:47Little Stephen Whitcomb just ate the hall clock.
00:32:50I think he's the jolly good fellow.
00:32:53I think he's the jolly good fellow.
00:32:55These two saw Annie one too many times.
00:33:02Don't worry, though.
00:33:03They'll be okay tomorrow.
00:33:05Ha, ha, ha, get it?
00:33:10Now this kid has perfect vision.
00:33:12He's just looking at his less-than-brilliant parents
00:33:15who put a pretzel on his face.
00:33:16Thank you, sir.
00:33:22There's only so much room at the top.
00:33:24Some people make it on their talent,
00:33:26and some make it by pushing others out of the spotlight.
00:33:28Oh, good career move.
00:33:37I'm going to go call my agent.
00:33:40Bernie!
00:33:41Have you gained weight since I saw you last?
00:33:47Why?
00:33:47Why?
00:33:52Tra-la-la, tra-la-ling.
00:33:54I'm being goosed by a spring.
00:34:01Oh, son, you shouldn't be on that darn thing in your pajamas.
00:34:05Now go put on some clothes and take off those pajamas this instant.
00:34:08Let me hear you count.
00:34:15One, two, three, four, five.
00:34:18All right.
00:34:20Five.
00:34:21Can you count higher than that?
00:34:25One.
00:34:25One.
00:34:28Yeah, that was higher.
00:34:3014, 15, 17, 18, 19, 15.
00:34:38Can you count backwards?
00:34:44One, two, three, four, five.
00:34:50When riding side saddle, it's always mondo impressive to have an ultra-exciting dismount.
00:34:55Sarah is so excited.
00:35:01She's never had a doll that talks when you hug it.
00:35:03Sarah, love the baby.
00:35:05Love the baby.
00:35:05Give me a hug and a kiss.
00:35:14She loves her face.
00:35:16Little does Bonnie know, it's the man of her dreams who's dressed like an ape.
00:35:39Well, the trick is, he's son of Kong.
00:35:44And the treat?
00:35:45Okay.
00:35:46Is an engagement ring.
00:35:53Yeah.
00:35:53Can you count lower than that?
00:35:56One.
00:35:58One, two, three, four, five.
00:36:02That's good.
00:36:07Well, just in case you're wondering who's talking, it's me, the horse.
00:36:11Yeah, I'm pulling this load of Canadian tourists up the river.
00:36:14They like to do this kind of thing up in Canada, eh?
00:36:18Now, keep your eyes on their body language as they freak out because they don't have a clue where I'm taking them.
00:36:24And neither do I.
00:36:25Oh, baby, this is fun.
00:36:27Oh, baby, this is fun.
00:36:29All right, we're going under.
00:36:31Come on, everybody, it's time for a little water sport.
00:36:38Hey, look, I'm a seahorse.
00:36:40Ah, spring, the blooming of the crocus, the sighting of the first robin, and the sinking of the last snowmobile.
00:36:51Now, don't try this at home.
00:37:05Riding an inner tube is tubular, lest the tube's got a tood.
00:37:09Oh, bummer tube, dude.
00:37:10This is Benji Boitano, star of Dogs on Ice.
00:37:23This man brings a new meaning to the word.
00:37:43Go get him, say hi to Frosty.
00:37:55Go say hi to Frosty.
00:37:59Go say hi to Frosty.
00:38:01Oh, they're going to squirt.
00:38:02Hi, Frosty.
00:38:03Dear Miss Manners, I have a serious problem.
00:38:27Every time I drink with a straw, my lap gets wet.
00:38:33You're looking at a Cheerio with a strong will to live.
00:38:45Mommy, I want to be like Scruffy when I grow up.
00:38:48Don't be silly, son.
00:38:49Now eat your soup.
00:39:00You've heard of doubling your pleasure and doubling your fun?
00:39:02Well, double their allowance so they won't share their gum.
00:39:18No wonder I've been sticking to the floor.
00:39:21I've got gum on my shoe.
00:39:23I'd better get rid of it.
00:39:24That's Lou Liretta mounting this swayback horse.
00:39:35The last person to ride it was Raymond Burr.
00:39:39Lou Liretta, come on down.
00:39:46Well, buckaroos, you know you can lead a horse to water, but you can't get on his back.
00:39:51That's what you get for wearing your spurs inside your pants.
00:40:03Just hold his head down.
00:40:04He'll be fine.
00:40:05Hold his head.
00:40:06Yeah, he'll be fine.
00:40:07Good call, lady.
00:40:09The last time they were seen was crossing the Canadian border.
00:40:12Oh, Herbie, I never want to forget this moment.
00:40:19You take my garter and I'll take your seat.
00:40:27Why is everyone clinking their glasses?
00:40:30They're trying to warn the bride that she has no chair.
00:40:32If you're not the director, don't sit in the director's chair.
00:40:40The Last Yeah
00:40:54All right, here's Scott Miller of the Hinsdale, Illinois Fire Department,
00:41:17and he is giving a demonstration right now on how to put out a grease fire.
00:41:20First, little baking soda. Mmm, baking soda and grease, just like Mom used to make.
00:41:27All right, the whole box is in there, and it looks like he's out of baking soda.
00:41:31How about the lid? Yeah, a lid usually puts out a fire.
00:41:35Well, usually. That's a high-quality grease he's using.
00:41:40I know what to get this guy for Christmas, a new watch and a potholder.
00:41:47This cat thinks he's cool, but actually he's a square, head, daddy-o.
00:41:53Here is the primary reason why you should never soak your underwear in milk.
00:42:11Look, everyone, it's Puss in Boots.
00:42:22Look, everyone, it's Puss in Boots.
00:42:24Whoa! What are you doing? Did I have a tuna sandwich for lunch?
00:42:41Let me check.
00:42:42Hey, albacore!
00:42:44Hello? Let me in. I forgot my key. I left it on my other collar.
00:42:57Let me in. I gotta go to the bathroom. Now.
00:43:06Why is it whenever you see something good on TV, before you know it, it gets taken right off?
00:43:14Okay, boys, now give me some room and go fetch that them there stick.
00:43:21Right. You get it.
00:43:23Got it!
00:43:26There are two boys in this picture. The one you see and his wiseacre buddy who's swimming underwater to surprise these little ducklings.
00:43:41What this little troublemaker doesn't know is that Mama Duck saw the whole thing and she doesn't like it one bit.
00:43:48Remember, don't put all your egg in one basket.
00:43:55Remember, don't put all your egg in one basket.
00:44:02Oh, you missed, buddy.
00:44:04Doggone basket moves on you.
00:44:07Put it in there, asshole.
00:44:10Doggone basket moves on you.
00:44:12Woot.
00:44:13.
00:44:14Woot.
00:44:15Woot.
00:44:16Woot.
00:44:17Woot.
00:44:18Woot.
00:44:19Woot.
00:44:20Which euros, expecting your bill.
00:44:22Whoa.
00:44:23Yay!
00:44:24Obviously, in an egg-tossing contest, nobody wants to wind up with egg on their face.
00:44:29I said, with egg on their face.
00:44:32Kristen is so happy she's finally outgrown diapers feels great having dry
00:44:41pants doesn't it well it's almost sundown and it's the tradition at the
00:44:50wee bit of nowhere trailer park to lower the American flag and Pete Green's pants
00:44:56oh let's see go ahead and get that flag down
00:45:05Sean did you say Merry Christmas I'm gonna bring Sean up
00:45:12honey after you adjust your bathing suit just turn that gas valve pull the cord and you'll start my
00:45:24motor this exciting Christmas clip has to do with the moon and the stars well
00:45:35here's dad putting a star on the tree and here comes a moon don't ever stand on a
00:45:46table to be closer to your cake
00:45:48Gesundheit
00:45:56I love my party whoo but there's two things I hate whoo trick candles and trick chairs whoo
00:46:11uh ma the cake was a nice thought but uh I wanted chocolate
00:46:20Mary Beth Russo is learning it's tough to puff out a candle
00:46:30Allison's excited how excited this excited
00:46:42happy day to do happy day to do
00:46:48this is how you can tell if someone's just eaten a horse burger
00:46:58and
00:47:17sacrebleu why did they put this doggy door so high
00:47:20Through the advancement of electronic science we are able to hear this dog's thoughts.
00:47:37Pushing a rock.
00:47:38Pushing a rock.
00:47:39Turn it around.
00:47:40Turn it around.
00:47:41Pushing the rock.
00:47:42Pushing the rock.
00:47:43Pushing the rock.
00:47:44Pushing the rock.
00:47:45Pushing the rock.
00:47:46Turn it around.
00:47:47Pushing the rock.
00:47:49I know this is a bowling ball. You know this is a bowling ball.
00:47:52But to Roxy here, it's the biggest jawbreaker in the world.
00:47:55I don't want to be the one to tell her there's no gum in the middle.
00:47:58Good girl.
00:48:03That's a good girl. Good doggy. Good girl.
00:48:07Good girl. Play the ball. Come on.
00:48:12Oh, no, Mom. He wants my haircut to look like his.
00:48:19Oh, no, Mom.
00:48:30Vacuum your kids' hair this afternoon and entertain guests this evening.
00:48:33Although it's doubtful you'll have any guests if they see you doing this.
00:48:42Hey, thanks, Mom. Now, where did you put my leather diaper?
00:48:49Wait till they get a load of me.
00:48:58I don't want to hear any more about it.
00:49:00A tip is out of the question.
00:49:03Aren't you handsome?
00:49:05Are you handsome?
00:49:07Say handsome.
00:49:08Say you're bald.
00:49:18Go ahead, say it. I can wait.
00:49:19And then say the biggest highlight of your day is sitting around on wicker furniture.
00:49:23Well, buddy, here's the answer to those no-hair blues.
00:49:26Jordan's magic hair formula.
00:49:28Just put a little dab on your head and two weeks later,
00:49:30Oh, boy, look out.
00:49:32You're Howard Cosell.
00:49:42What's that?
00:49:43I think I need a new flea collar.
00:49:48Hey, who are you?
00:49:49Oh, I'm Larry the Rat.
00:49:51Who are you?
00:49:52I'm Nutmeg the Dog.
00:49:54Want to be friends?
00:49:55Yeah, that'd be great.
00:49:56But don't tell the cat.
00:49:58Now take me to the kitchen.
00:49:59Oh, okay, Larry.
00:50:04Theodore, Theodore, you're wasting tissues.
00:50:09See what he did?
00:50:12He put Kleenex in his mouth.
00:50:14Oh, great observation.
00:50:16You humans are brilliant.
00:50:18You really?
00:50:19Yeah, look.
00:50:20That's incredible.
00:50:21He's putting his pouch full of paper.
00:50:22That's what you're doing now.
00:50:23Berries on the ground can ferment.
00:50:29It was a very good year.
00:50:30I keep forgetting.
00:50:42Are we supposed to hibernate in the spring or the fall?
00:50:45It must be the fall.
00:50:46Well, how many times do I have to tell you I'm not a rabbit?
00:50:56Get yourself a pair of glasses, will you?
00:50:58Here we are at the Tower of London where the guards stand at attention.
00:51:18They even fall down at attention.
00:51:20All right, listen to me.
00:51:31You didn't say anything.
00:51:32You don't know anything.
00:51:33And I'm going in now.
00:51:35Mom, my face is not a melon.
00:51:46You sure made a mess in this bathroom.
00:51:50Just when you thought it was safe to go on a date, it's prom night.
00:51:56Trisha should be down in a minute.
00:51:57I'm going to go get her.
00:51:58Come on in.
00:51:59Come on in.
00:52:03Hello, Mary Lou.
00:52:05Goodbye steps.
00:52:09Oh.
00:52:15I'm not knowing.
00:52:19Hey, Mom, I'm hungry.
00:52:21Is lunch ready yet?
00:52:25Yeah, no doubt about it.
00:52:28That's mine.
00:52:29Hello.
00:52:29Hello.
00:52:30When you take off your hat, remember where you left it.
00:52:39I don't know where to go.
00:52:41I can't find this.
00:52:43Golf sure is a great game, but it's not easy.
00:52:57Natalie Blake, she's one smart little human.
00:53:00She single-handedly simplified the hardest game in the world.
00:53:02I'm going to pick at this kid's moccasins because I'm despicable.
00:53:18You can't escape.
00:53:20All right, then.
00:53:21Now snap at your sandals.
00:53:22Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.
00:53:24Snap.
00:53:28What this diver didn't know was, this passive fish was raised by a school of angry sharks.
00:53:33this is how a cow tells you if your hands are too cold
00:53:48wait wait come back don't you find me attractive why are you running away from me don't play hard
00:54:00to get I'm in love with you you four-wheel drive beauty I'd walk a mile for a pickup come back
00:54:05get off my back oh man is this guy a tacky dresser or what he's wearing a red shirt and frilly pants
00:54:15what does he work in Vegas they're all dressed like showgirls I'm out of here that's a great
00:54:21idea I could use a cold drink hey where'd that vendor go
00:54:28I want to do it again
00:54:47I pledge allegiance to the flag of U.S. States of America and to the republic to Richard Sims one nation and their boss
00:55:05I'm invisible with liberty and this is for all
00:55:12yay
00:55:14back up son I can't get you all in
00:55:25you gotta back up
00:55:27I'm back up
00:55:28how's that
00:55:29that's as far as we can go
00:55:31no no no
00:55:32you back up
00:55:33you back up
00:55:34you back up
00:55:35you back up
00:55:36oh say you see by the dawn's early light o'er the ramparts we watched was so gallantly
00:55:40gleaming
00:55:49gleaming
00:55:53whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous night and the ramparts we watched was so gallantly gleaming
00:55:59Was so gallantly gleaming
00:56:04Whose broad stripes and bright stars
00:56:07Through the perilous night
00:56:11O'er the ramparts we watched
00:56:15Was so gallantly streaming
00:56:18And the rocket's red glare
00:56:22Came from stained air
00:56:25Gave proof through the night
00:56:30That our flag was still there
00:56:34All right, the camera's back from the shop.
00:56:38Now try to hit it to me, son.
00:56:48Ball three.
00:56:51Oh.
00:56:55Kids, stand back.
00:57:00Your dad's a professional at self-service car care.
00:57:03Now, kids, watch out for that oil on the ground.
00:57:05I wouldn't want you to slip.
00:57:06Whoa!
00:57:13Hi, remember that show, Night Rider?
00:57:15Well, I'm his talking cousin, Easy Rider.
00:57:17I've just been bought by this kid named Chris,
00:57:19and he's taken me home to live with him.
00:57:21This is where I'm going to live?
00:57:23I don't think so.
00:57:25I'm out of here.
00:57:27Chris is moving!
00:57:29Oh, my God.
00:57:30Chris!
00:57:33Are you all right?
00:57:34He's fine.
00:57:35Chris!
00:57:37Okay, okay, I'll stay.
00:57:38Stop hugging me.
00:57:39Honey, I got a great deal on a brand new car.
00:57:47It's 50% off.
00:57:49What do you think?
00:57:56Get away, it's my hose.
00:57:58Yeah, but Mom said we have to share.
00:58:01Okay, we'll share.
00:58:03I'll keep the hose, and you can have the water.
00:58:05Here's an urgent message to a little boy
00:58:13who left the water running at the motel.
00:58:20This is how fathers without coordination
00:58:22blow bubbles in the bathtub.
00:58:29Moon Doggy?
00:58:31Yes, Gidget?
00:58:32Promise me we'll always stay right here.
00:58:33You mean right here?
00:58:35Yes.
00:58:36Moon Doggy promise we'll always stay right here.
00:58:39Ah!
00:58:39Hey, you're a cute little birdie.
00:58:48You come here often?
00:58:49I like the strong, silent type.
00:58:51Ooh, you're my kind of chick.
00:58:53Did you have your beak done?
00:58:55You got great legs.
00:58:57Ooh, yeah, they go all the way up to your tail feathers.
00:59:00You want to come up to my cage and see my itchings?
00:59:02I got an itching right now.
00:59:04Ooh, that itch.
00:59:04It's for you, my little chickadee.
00:59:06They threw him behind bars, but they couldn't shut him up.
00:59:16He had to sing.
00:59:18Polly is unsaturated in...
00:59:20The Barking Bird of Alcatraz.
00:59:22All right, Kirsten.
00:59:33Let me let the cat out, and then I'll be right down.
00:59:36Down appears to be just one of the things this chair is stuffed with.
00:59:41All right, come here.
00:59:43Yay!
00:59:44Bye, Kirsten.
00:59:46Bye.
00:59:46Have fun.
00:59:47This chair is also an excellent investment, because if you order now, it comes complete
00:59:52with a family room and a family.
00:59:55All right, go ahead, Nancy.
00:59:57Cool.
00:59:57Cool.
01:00:01Boss, we should have built this carport three inches higher.
01:00:04Uh, don't be a numbskull.
01:00:05It's just the right height.
01:00:08All right, stop, Joe.
01:00:12Take this, Ellen.
01:00:13Yeah.
01:00:14You all right?
01:00:14Here's a do-it-yourselfer saving big bucks.
01:00:36He is single-handedly changing his car from front-wheel drive to front-seat drive.
01:00:41Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
01:00:44Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
01:00:54Larry Mansberger has made his own home-built plane, and here it comes in now for a safe but
01:00:59not successful landing.
01:01:04Well, the plane's intact, except for the wheel and maybe the nose, but a Beverly Hills doctor
01:01:09can fix that right up.
01:01:10And the wheel?
01:01:11Here it comes now.
01:01:12Tell him, I love you.
01:01:23I love you.
01:01:26Tell him, I love you.
01:01:28I love you.
01:01:30I love you.
01:01:30That's good, Dave.
01:01:37Try it again.
01:01:38You'll get it one of these days.
01:01:39Well, doesn't this look delicious.
01:01:49I made it especially for Bean.
01:01:51His first name's Haz.
01:01:52The cake's still a little too hot, so I think I'll take it for a little walk so I can cool
01:01:56down some.
01:01:57Dum-de-dum-de-doodly.
01:01:58Doodly-doodly-dum.
01:02:00Dum-de-dum-de-dum.
01:02:01Oh, my.
01:02:02Hmm, how am I going to get this door open?
01:02:04Hmm, well, maybe I can just take off my shoe and use my long toenails to pry it open here.
01:02:10I just...
01:02:10You've heard a one-on-one?
01:02:20Well, this is one.
01:02:22Go, hoop-head.
01:02:22Melanie rehearsed on a 30-foot stage.
01:02:33Here she's performing on a 20-foot stage.
01:02:35Can you tell?
01:02:37Woo!
01:02:43Yes, it's amateur night at the Don Ho Center for the Performing Arts.
01:02:48Her hands tell a story and so do her hips.
01:02:50Don Ho!
01:02:51Oh, my goodness.
01:02:59Nothing's unusual about a boy playing basketball unless he's joined by another boy in a tiger suit.
01:03:06Good costume.
01:03:08Pull my hands off, huh?
01:03:09Change the camera.
01:03:11Mom!
01:03:13Now, don't try this with your pet tiger.
01:03:16Get that!
01:03:16Get that!
01:03:17Oh, no!
01:03:26Now, keep your eye on the third woman from the right.
01:03:30She wants a rebound real bad.
01:03:32Scott is just about to become an advocate of the new mandatory rule.
01:03:49Wear a helmet during a basement basketball game.
01:03:51Oh, yeah, that felt good.
01:04:07Wait a minute.
01:04:08I don't want to go that way.
01:04:10I want to go that way.
01:04:11Okay, I think it's time for a little donkey break dancing.
01:04:14All right, enough showing off.
01:04:18I'm putting my foot down.
01:04:19Now, step on it.
01:04:20All right.
01:04:20Oh, yeah.
01:04:25Oh, boy.
01:04:28Okay, you made your point.
01:04:31Oh, no.
01:04:32Nice donkey.
01:04:32This is Chris Robinson of Sheridan, Arkansas, trying to make an impossible shot possible
01:04:42and maybe impress some cheerleaders.
01:04:49Lucky for us, we have an instant replay that turns into slow motion.
01:04:52Flickle?
01:05:05Yes, Mother?
01:05:06Come here.
01:05:07Your new glasses have arrived.
01:05:08Oh, great.
01:05:09Now I'll be able to see where I'm going.
01:05:14Sorry about that, Mr. Ed.
01:05:16Oh, forget about it.
01:05:18Put down the camera and remove the bucket.
01:05:33Todd the Turkey here, and it's time for Tag Team Turkey Trotting.
01:05:38Now, go tag Tilly, Teddy.
01:05:41Terrific.
01:05:42You're better than Teddy, Tilly.
01:05:43If I keep burning calories like this, hopefully no one will want me for Thanksgiving.
01:05:47This is Todd the Turkey talking and Tag Team Turkey Trotting.
01:05:52Here's how a farmer wipes his feet before going into the house.
01:06:20This is the world's biggest yo-yo.
01:06:37I wonder why he's dressed like that.
01:06:38This elephant will never forget how happy he is playing with his new toy.
01:06:51It's so hard to find a good yo-yo in the jungle.
01:06:52Yes.
01:06:55Steady.
01:06:55Yes.
01:06:57Good.
01:07:00Okay, kids.
01:07:01I'm only going to show you this once.
01:07:02Here's something even more useful than the yo-yo, the to-yo.
01:07:16This is called the oh-no-yo.
01:07:18There you have it, the yo-yo.
01:07:19Oh.
01:07:20And this man has perfected the throw-yo.
01:07:28Woo.
01:07:29Woo.
01:07:30Ah!
01:07:39This is exclusive footage of the Easter Bunny checking out of a well-known weight loss clinic in Switzerland.
01:07:44The fabulous Kenny Van Streeter has invented a monster named Irv.
01:07:56Irv's the dummy in the back.
01:07:58Irv really is a dummy, by the way, and Kenny is the master of disguise artists in the trash can.
01:08:03Now, the question that comes to many of our minds is, Kenny, why are you doing this?
01:08:11Well, no matter.
01:08:12Irv, take out the trash.
01:08:26Here's another guy you don't want your daughter to marry.
01:08:29You don't want your daughter to marry.
01:08:59Jim is wearing a basic double-breasted sport coat.
01:09:12Notice the contoured, funky design on the front of the coat.
01:09:16To match the sport coat, Jim is wearing a pair of plaid, double-knit, bell-bottom pants.
01:09:23These pants are certainly going to be a stitch.
01:09:26This is actually a dance review called Bring on the Circus.
01:09:35All these little poodles have been practicing for weeks just to do a somersault.
01:09:39And now, it's Tiffany Marsh's turn.
01:09:43Here I go.
01:09:46I'm going to do a somersault.
01:09:50Here I go.
01:09:54Here I go.
01:09:55Whoa!
01:09:55I don't need help, okay?
01:10:05I'm going to do a somersault.
01:10:08Circus boy, just take your little vest and move away.
01:10:11I'm going to do it by myself.
01:10:12Alex has turned his back so as not to be in the way of his friend's yo-yo.
01:10:19No!
01:10:22Oh, my God!
01:10:27Are you all right?
01:10:29Now, let your mom show you how to do it, son.
01:10:40Whoops!
01:10:41Careful!
01:10:43Now, let your dad show you how to do it, son.
01:10:48Now, don't worry.
01:10:50One day you'll grow up and you'll probably be a better bowler than me.
01:10:53Is this the way to do it?
01:10:59I guess not.
01:11:02It's coming, Dad.
01:11:03Look!
01:11:05Watch it, it's mine.
01:11:14Now, I'm going to tap the ball lightly with my terribly expensive deck shoes.
01:11:18Tap, tap.
01:11:19And now, I'm really going to rattle your cage.
01:11:23Mike is going to hit himself in A, the head, B, the leg, or C, the arm.
01:11:42These daredevils used to jump over rows of cars on their motorcycles.
01:11:45But due to budget cutbacks, they've been reduced to this.
01:11:51I've been told to tell you, don't try this yourself.
01:11:59The video camera is an excellent way to study and improve your golf swing.
01:12:03It also keeps track of where you left your clubs.
01:12:05Welcome to the East German Goober Diving Competition.
01:12:24We're all watching the lovely Friedrich Lehmann-Flaggen
01:12:27attempt a bottom-slapping, one-legged Goober Flip.
01:12:30And here he goes.
01:12:42This is a stunt gone wrong.
01:12:44You're watching a pro ski instructor, who's also a part-time tree surgeon,
01:12:48just dropping in to check on his patients.
01:12:50Oh, my Lord.
01:12:58I shouldn't have done it that way.
01:13:03Now put your arms straight out.
01:13:06Like this?
01:13:07Exactly.
01:13:08Let me check your harness there.
01:13:10I've never parasailed before.
01:13:12Oh, it's simple.
01:13:13The boat has a line, and when the boat pulls that line,
01:13:16it opens your parasail, and you're lifted gracefully into the air.
01:13:20Now don't forget to keep your arms straight out.
01:13:22Roger.
01:13:23Arms out.
01:13:23Ready for takeoff.
01:13:26Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:13:28Woo!
01:13:29Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
01:13:31Arms out, arms out, arms out.
01:13:40Not only is he man's best friend,
01:13:42he's man's best gardener, mowing the street.
01:13:46Here's the star of the Broadway show Cats.
01:14:02Moonlighting is a tollbooth operator on the New Jersey Turnpike.
01:14:09That'll be a dollar.
01:14:14Two-fifty.
01:14:16Three-seventy-five.
01:14:18Four and a quarter.
01:14:20Five-fifty.
01:14:27This dog's dancing to his favorite country western song,
01:14:31I Got an Itchy Butt Over You.
01:14:32This cat is breaking the first rule of hunting,
01:14:41which is, while making a frontal assault,
01:14:44don't leave yourself open for a counterattack from below.
01:14:47This is a case for cue cards at weddings.
01:15:00The minister whispers, you can't quite hear his instructions,
01:15:02and you wind up saying something like this guy did.
01:15:04I, Christopher, thank you, Tracy, to be my awful wife.
01:15:14To the right of the bride is the groom, who is perfectly groomed.
01:15:17His tuxedo is neatly pressed.
01:15:19The carnation in his buttonhole is freshly carnated.
01:15:21Steve, you may kiss the bride.
01:15:22And his mouth shows no sign of wedding breath.
01:15:25Oh, I love being a wedding photographer,
01:15:42and it's more than just the free food.
01:15:44Let me tell you two a little wedding poem
01:15:46to bring a photo-perfect smile to your newly-wedded faces.
01:15:49Something old, something new, something borrowed, something wet.
01:15:52Here's Gregory, the future senator from Illinois,
01:16:01with his campaign promises.
01:16:03Um, um, I like today we're here.
01:16:09Um, um, I like you, and I, I like you,
01:16:14and then you do not want to go to me.
01:16:18I'll translate this incredibly hip song for you
01:16:24since I'm fluent in baby babble.
01:16:33My diaper needs changing, I don't love you.
01:16:39Thanks.
01:16:40Hi, I'm Bob Saget calling from Funniest Home Videos.
01:16:48Well, then I'm not Bob Saget.
01:16:58Some people skip rope till they drop.
01:17:00Little Cara Donoghue is skipping rope till they drop.
01:17:02I wish Dad had bought us a sidecar for this horse.
01:17:23We now go to the Arnold Schwarzenegger look-alike contest
01:17:25for the final event.
01:17:27It's the highly competitive pouring of the cereal.
01:17:30Bummer, no prize.
01:17:30Curiously, he leans to the right but pours to the left.
01:17:41It's half and half.
01:17:42Half on the wall and half on his face.
01:17:51It took him an hour to get into his Halloween costume.
01:17:55I'm going to be.
01:17:56And it took him three hours just to walk next door.
01:17:59This cake is still being baked on its way to the birthday girl.
01:18:23She's 90-year-old Garnet Campbell of Independence, Kansas.
01:18:27After she blows out the cake, they're going to cut the wax.
01:18:30There are certain things in life that there are just no answers for.
01:18:52Like, why are these three guys standing up in the back of a truck?
01:18:58Or, why is this truck trying to get up this hill?
01:19:01And why don't they make trucks like they used to?
01:19:12This dog's easy to please.
01:19:14You give him some dirt and he jumps.
01:19:16Good boy.
01:19:16Brings new meaning to the phrase, eat dirt.
01:19:29I wish this table had legs.
01:19:32Christopher can't wait to get into that cake.
01:19:44Literally.
01:19:46Heads up.
01:19:48Oh, is that you, Mom?
01:19:55I don't want to eat it.
01:19:56I want to wear it.
01:19:58Maybe I can join the touring company of Phantom of the Opera.
01:20:01Oh, honey, it's Christmas.
01:20:06Let's just have a wonderful time and forget about the termites.
01:20:12Okay?
01:20:19Oh, just what I wanted.
01:20:20A Christmas tree stand.
01:20:27This guy couldn't move his car until that snowplow cleared things up behind him.
01:20:31Oh, great.
01:20:32Now his car can get out of there.
01:20:34The range of setbacks for the, uh, the car?
01:20:36The car is moving.
01:20:37Oh!
01:20:38Oh, I'm kidding.
01:20:39Oh, that's hard.
01:20:40That's hard.
01:20:40That's hard.
01:20:40That's hard.
01:20:42Oh, my God.
01:20:44We had electric.
01:20:52Ready, set, go!
01:20:55Kent City Center, uh, this is launch air 373.
01:21:00Launch air 373, this is Kent City Center, over.
01:21:02Uh, yeah, I need some help here.
01:21:04I'm kind of out of control.
01:21:06Whoa!
01:21:09Yeah, Kent City Center, uh, this is launch air, uh, 373.
01:21:14373, this is Kent City Center.
01:21:15We no longer have you on radar.
01:21:16Good day.
01:21:18I no longer have myself.
01:21:19Now, why would those guys eat grapefruit when they could have something normal, like this
01:21:41giant kosher garlic pickle?
01:21:43Yeah.
01:21:44Now, listen for the cackling.
01:21:57That's not the goose cackling.
01:21:59That's his wife.
01:22:05Here's another house that didn't meet the building code.
01:22:08What are you doing, Andy?
01:22:09Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:22:14The days of winter are cold and wet.
01:22:19Ugh.
01:22:20The days of spring are nice and rainy.
01:22:27The summer days are hot and very like a dessert.
01:22:33The end.
01:22:36What about the days of fall?
01:22:38The days of fall.
01:22:39This is why you should never name your cat Paddle.
01:22:47Catherine and Steve Lynn are getting married.
01:23:04And here comes the flower girl, Jennifer.
01:23:06I bet you're wondering what kind of flower she has.
01:23:09Crushed.
01:23:09Old MacDonald had a farm.
01:23:16Oh, look, we're in luck.
01:23:18A lady with a duck.
01:23:19On this farm he had a duck.
01:23:21E-I-E-I-O.
01:23:22With a
01:23:23Here and a
01:23:25There
01:23:27Here a
01:23:28There a
01:23:29Everywhere a
01:23:31Old MacDonald had a farm.
01:23:34E-I-E-I-O.
01:23:36E-I-E-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
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