- 2 months ago
Season 1 (1989-1990)
Season 2 (1990-1991)
Season 2 (1990-1991)
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TVTranscript
00:00Hi there, and welcome to America's Funniest Home Videos Home Videos.
00:29I'm Bob Saget, Bob Saget.
00:31And you obviously rented or purchased this tape because you just can't get enough of our show.
00:35Or you actually rented Driving Miss Daisy and the video store messed up.
00:39Anyway, nobody's here but you and me, so let's run our opening title sequence.
00:43What do you say? You better not fast forward through this either,
00:45because hundreds of people worked around the clock to make these titles look just like this.
00:50You'll see them in a second, and you'll see me in a second.
00:53I'm going through this door, and when I'm on the other side, comedy will ensue.
00:58You've got lots from coast to coast to make you smile.
01:08A real life look at each of you, to capture all that style.
01:13You're the red, white, and blue, the fun of things you do.
01:18America, America, this is you.
01:20America, America, this is you.
01:22America, America, this is you.
01:24Stories from your friends next door.
01:27They're not the same.
01:29You might be a star tonight, so let that camera roll.
01:34You're the red, white, and blue, the fun of things you do.
01:39America, America, this is you.
01:41America, America, this is you.
01:54I told you those opening titles were exciting.
01:56And that theme song, oh I can't get it out of my head.
01:58I'll be opening my lounge act with it one day.
02:00America, America, this is you.
02:03Just makes me want to go out and get singing lessons.
02:05Oh man, it just feels good to relax and get out of my show clothes, you know?
02:09Sorry.
02:10It sure is apropos that I'm doing the home video of home videos from home.
02:13Just so you know, this is not my real home.
02:16So why the heck am I paying the mortgage on this place?
02:18Well, look at it this way.
02:19In 30 years it won't be mine.
02:21Obviously this tape you're watching is different than the America's Funniest Home Videos you've come to know and love.
02:26For one, no commercials.
02:28Although I will be selling copies of this beautiful designer sweater if you order now.
02:32Oh golly, no I'm kidding.
02:33I could never knit more than two a week.
02:35Whoa, two jokes in a row.
02:37Also, if you want, you can put me on pause and get my face to look like this.
02:41Alright, I'm not just here to babble incessantly and make stupid faces.
02:45Although, those are my functions.
02:47This home video is a release of some of our best and favorite clips from our first season.
02:51Now that's a sporting thing for me to say.
02:53And ironically, our first set of clips covers the subject of sports.
02:59And here's the pitch.
03:01It's a high fly ball to center field.
03:03Going back for it.
03:04Some guy.
03:05He's got it.
03:14Now put your arms straight out.
03:16Like this?
03:17Exactly.
03:18Let me check your harness there.
03:20I've never parasailed before.
03:22Oh, it's simple.
03:23The boat has a line and when the boat pulls that line, it opens your parasail and you're lifted gracefully into the air.
03:30Now don't forget to keep your arms straight out.
03:32Roger.
03:33Arms out.
03:34Ready for takeoff.
03:35Hockey fans call Wayne Gretzky the great one.
03:46They call this guy the short one.
03:48That's right.
03:49That was a goal.
03:50He dreams of one day making it to the pros.
03:54But for now, he'd be content just to be able to stand up on all that equipment.
03:57Now here's a man who's too cheap to buy water skis, so he's skiing on his feet.
04:14Now watch while he tries to gather his aplomb and his pants at the same time.
04:27Finally, some golfers made it to the green and they're ready to putt out.
04:31Oh, it can be very lonely out on the course.
04:36Quiet.
04:37It's time to gently tap it in.
04:40Close it.
04:42Oh!
04:43Boy, those groundhogs are getting bigger all the time.
04:50This golfer has a large handicap and most of it's in his shirt.
04:54Okay, these fellows know how to have a good time.
05:08By gang tackling this little guy.
05:12But here is a play that is destined for the history books.
05:25Now spike it, Moose.
05:33Whirl, are you having trouble with your VCR?
05:39Of course you're not, it's just me doing my incredibly powerful VCR bit.
05:42And boy, it almost worked.
05:44Well, I've mentioned, I think many millions of times before,
05:46that our tapes should be funny or amazing.
05:49Well, here's one that's so amazing, it's not funny.
05:51And if you're on a horse while you're watching this, you might want to get off.
05:54Let's check that in slow-mo.
06:12It's always impressive at the rodeo if you actually sew your pants to the saddle.
06:25This man and horse were last seen heading east on I-90, 80 and parts of 10.
06:33Come on boy, fetch!
06:36I gotta get a dog.
06:37And while I'm at it, I better get a professional sports person to explain these unprofessional sports to me.
06:42And you.
06:43Daddy, can I have another turn on the airbag?
06:46Tell you what son, I'll flip you for it.
06:53Hey Brian, I forgot to tell you, the bridge is out.
06:56What was that?
06:57The bridge is what?
06:58You've heard of one-on-one?
07:05Well, this is one.
07:07Go, hoop head.
07:08Go, hoop head.
07:16Here's the brother Mary Poppins doesn't talk about.
07:18Sidney Poppins.
07:19Just learned to walk and now this.
07:26Now what are they laughing at?
07:40I'd like to see them try it.
07:50Here's one of America's favorite pastimes.
07:53Well, looks like he's got it.
07:54He's pulling in that rare speckled wide-mouthed blue visor.
08:00Man, I like being in the water.
08:02But I think I'll get out for a little while.
08:04Yeah, what the hey, I think I'll go back in.
08:06This is Chick Saget.
08:09Welcome to this fabulous pep rally and home team introduction.
08:13When your name is called, just run around the gym and burst through the paper.
08:17Here he comes.
08:21So one guy fell down, big deal.
08:23Well, here's our next player high-fiving his way to center court.
08:26He's looking good.
08:28And he's through the paper.
08:32So two guys fell down, big deal.
08:34Because the next player hears the roar of the crowd.
08:37And here he comes now.
08:38He gets high fives, low fives, and change for a five.
08:41He rounds the far turn.
08:42And he kicks into fifth gear.
08:44And that's some tough paper.
08:48Number six, home team nothing.
08:51This is the grandmothers versus the kids.
08:53The grandmothers are in the blue.
08:55And I think they're a tad overconfident.
09:04See the cheerleaders.
09:05See the team.
09:07Now see something entirely new.
09:10Cheerleader bowling.
09:11Everybody's saying that there's an important scout in the crowd.
09:20They really are.
09:22They say he's either from the Lakers or the Globetrotters or the American Glass Company.
09:26Let's see that again and feel the pain.
09:29Nothing's unusual about a boy playing basketball unless he's joined by his pet tiger.
09:45Now he's not in any danger.
09:48But his pants are.
09:56Now don't try this with your pet tiger.
09:58Oh, yeah, that felt good.
10:08Wait a minute.
10:09I don't want to go that way.
10:10I want to go that way.
10:12Okay, I think it's time for a little donkey break dancing.
10:17All right, enough showing off.
10:18I'm putting my foot down.
10:19Now step on it.
10:25Oh, yeah.
10:26Oh, boy.
10:28Okay, you made your point.
10:33Oh, no.
10:34Nice donkey.
10:40People have asked me, how the heck do I remember all the lines on our show?
10:44Well, it's actually very easy.
10:48You see, remembering lines is just a matter of association and knowing what you're talking about.
10:55You're going to love this next clip.
10:58It's about a little kid who just calls things as he sees them.
11:03These kids are watching a barbershop quartet.
11:04They're not listening.
11:05They're just watching.
11:06The kids second from the right noticed that one of the barbers got dressed in a hurry.
11:19Say your fly's open and your pants are dressed.
11:25One, two, three, four, five.
11:28All right.
11:30Can you count higher than that?
11:31Yeah, I want higher.
11:32Ma, the cake was a nice thought, but I wanted chocolate.
11:46Here's another house that didn't meet the building code.
11:58Some grandparents hand down the family treasures.
12:01This grandfather hands down the family dentures.
12:16No wonder I've been sticking to the floor.
12:18I've got gum on my shoe.
12:20I'd better get rid of it.
12:27This is an all points bulletin.
12:28Be on the lookout for an Easter egg thief.
12:30Yes, I said an Easter egg thief.
12:32Description, female, three feet tall, possessing a black shirt and an Easter egg stealing bucket.
12:37What do you do when someone gives you those charming trick candles that won't go out?
12:59First, you hyperventilate.
13:03Then you give them your best shot.
13:14Some guy just ran in with a tape and he said,
13:16You got to see this.
13:17You got to see this.
13:18Well, we got to see this because that guy's the producer.
13:21Ah, you know how it is.
13:22It starts as an itch.
13:25So you pull up one side.
13:30Then you do the other side.
13:34Well, then you might as well go ahead and pull the whole thing up and be done with it.
13:38Hey, who's gonna know?
13:46If there's one thing predictable about kids, it's that they're totally unpredictable.
13:50Mrs. Lorraine Pozak of Florida captured this song gone wrong.
13:54Oh, the other reindeer used a lot of cold in Maine.
13:59But for a rule that through that with your nose so bright,
14:03will you find I say tonight?
14:06Dine you with nice coins.
14:11Oh, it's calm.
14:13Oh, it's calm.
14:15Oh, it's calm.
14:16It's cold.
14:17Hear, let's urgent help.
14:18Today!
14:19Good, good.
14:20Happy morning.
14:24Thanks, Henley.
14:25Greetings!
14:28The days of winter are cold and wet.
14:31Ugh.
14:33The days of spring are nice and rainy.
14:37The summer days are hot and very like a dessert.
14:46The end.
14:48What about the days of fall?
14:51The days of fall.
14:58I have just been handed a script that I haven't been able to put down.
15:02And that's because our prankstering prop person put paste all over the back of it.
15:05Oh, sure they did. Well, pro that I am, I'll make use of this thing by saying,
15:09you don't need a big fancy sticky script like this one to make your own production video.
15:13Just look what these people did with just a camcorder and some imagination.
15:17I'm free!
15:20Oh, no!
15:26This dip is, this dip is divine.
15:30Marshall, Marshall, what's in this dip?
15:33Hi!
15:35Tonight I have peanut butter and marshmallow sour cream,
15:37but I come in three other exciting flavors.
15:39Chocolate clam, creamy garlic, and Hungarian surprise.
15:43I go extremely well at wedding showers, chamber mixers, bar mitzvahs, and stag parties.
15:49Woo!
15:50Have me at your next bash and let me amaze your guests.
15:53I can carry on meaningful conversations with them as they eat me!
15:57Look for me!
15:58Dip head!
15:59In the frozen novelty section of your nearest discount farm.
16:02You're welcome!
16:03You're welcome!
16:04Oh, you're welcome!
16:05I'm welcome!
16:06You're welcome!
16:07I'm welcome!
16:08I am welcome!
16:09I am welcome!
16:11Little talent of the ninthwert.
16:13Oh, my God.
16:43Oh, my God.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:43Oh, my God.
18:12People who lip-sync in your rearview mirror may appear larger than they are.
18:23Oh, my God.
18:24Oh, my God.
18:25Oh, my God.
18:26Oh, my God.
18:27Oh, my God.
18:28Oh, my God.
18:29Oh, my God.
18:30Oh, my God.
18:31Oh, my God.
18:32Oh, my God.
18:33Oh, my God.
18:34Now I see that the grass is cooler
18:43Is it too late for me
18:46To find my way home
18:48How could I be so wrong
18:51Leave me alone
18:53There it is, Christopher Cox from Hayward, California, by clothes
18:58You guessed it at a half-off sale
19:00Old MacDonald had a farm
19:04Oh, look, we're in luck
19:06A lady with a duck
19:07E-I-E-I-O
19:10With a
19:11Here, here, there, everywhere
19:19Old MacDonald had a farm
19:22E-I-E-I-O
19:25Well, I'm speaking to you now from this patio setting for a reason
19:37Patio setting
19:39Sounds like an old Irish singer, doesn't it?
19:41Hello, I'm patio setting
19:42We have two shows tonight
19:43Sorry
19:45So, the patio is where 87% of Americans keep their pets
19:50The other 13% aren't American
19:52You know, I think it'd be much simpler if I just said
19:56Let's take a look at some of your favorite animal clips
19:58Let's take a look at some of your favorite animal clips
20:00Hmm?
20:02Shall we?
20:03Sitting on Lara Jean Ferencz's lap is a kinkajou
20:06A nocturnal creature native to Mexico and South America
20:09They just like bright sunlight and prefer shady, out-of-the-way areas
20:14This pooch can't figure out why he always has a waxy build-up on his fur
20:35A nocturnal creature
21:05In electronic science, we are able to hear this dog's thoughts
21:07Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:08Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:09Turn it around, turn it around
21:11Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:12Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:14Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:15Pushing a rock, pushing a rock
21:16Turn it around, pushing a rock
21:17I keep forgetting
21:18Are we supposed to hibernate in the spring or the fall?
21:22Must be the fall
21:23When I was about four years old
21:29I was bitten by my next-door neighbor, Merwin Kruger's cat
21:33Ever since that time, I've been allergic to cats
21:35And avoided hanging out with kids named Merwin
21:37Sorry, Merwin
21:38But even if you're allergic to cats, you're gonna enjoy these cat clips
21:41Meow, you miniature mortals
21:44Scream for help, no one will hear you
21:47I am a 50-foot cat, the result of a freak scientific experiment
21:50The man responsible for my condition is on this train and I vowed revenge
21:57Dr. Sias, this is the moment I've been waiting for
22:01I'll get you now
22:01My paw, you'll pay for that
22:03He doesn't seem to be on this train
22:06Hmm, maybe he took the 510
22:08Here's the primary reason why you should never soak your underwear in milk
22:13Look, everyone, it's Puss in Boots
22:27What are you doing?
22:40Did I have a tuna sandwich for lunch?
22:42Let me check
22:43Yeah, I'll go
22:44Hello
22:52Let me in
22:54I forgot my key
22:55I left it on my other collar
22:56Let me in
22:57I gotta go to the bathroom
22:59Now
23:00Now this family set up the camera on the tripod to tape themselves watching TV
23:08They didn't have a clue that their kitty strolled by a candle and lit his tail for a moment
23:13Calm down, not to worry
23:18Look, it's out now, see?
23:20Why is it whenever you see something good on TV, before you know it, it gets taken right off?
23:27I was just thinking, I wish all of you watching this tape right now could have been at my wedding
23:37We could have used another 50 Lucite serving bowls
23:40But weddings aren't just about returning gifts
23:42Nope, they're about love and the sacred event which makes it contractual
23:46Keep your eye on the best man on the right
23:49Better make that the lower right
23:51Listen carefully to the pastor's instructions and the bride's response
24:00Here's a fun new tradition
24:18Bouquet football
24:19And here's the snap
24:21Have I mentioned that whoever catches the bouquet is the next bride?
24:37That's the brakes, kid
24:38To the right of the bride is the groom, who is perfectly groomed
24:50His tuxedo is neatly pressed
24:51The carnation in his buttonhole is freshly carnated
24:54And his mouth shows no sign of wedding breath
24:58Oh, I love being a wedding photographer
25:14And it's more than just the free food
25:16Let me tell you two a little wedding poem
25:18To bring a photo-perfect smile to your newly wedded faces
25:21Something old, something new, something bald, something wet
25:25One of these apples is not like the others
25:34I watch too much Sesame Street
25:37Anyway
25:37Oh, it's a bug
25:39One of our favorite wedding clips went on to win the weekly $10,000 prize
25:43Actually, it wasn't the wedding clip then
25:44It was just the proposal
25:46You see, the wedding took place on the same day we taped our first season's $100,000 grand finale show
25:51So the young couple missed a free trip to Hollywood and we missed their wedding
25:54Well, actually, I wasn't invited
25:57But I'm glad because I honestly think it's very tacky when people invite you to their weddings
26:00When they know you won't be able to make it
26:02Just to get a gift
26:03Huh, the nerve of some people
26:04Anyway, here's that wedding proposal that brought tears to our producer's eyes
26:08There's nothing in here
26:10Bonnie doesn't know that it's Jeff inside that monkey suit
26:13Oh, he's such a kidder
26:14Big-hearted, banana-loving Jeff wants to make sure that this is a Halloween Bonnie will never forget
26:19Well, the trick is, he's son of Kong
26:23The treat is, there's an engagement ring inside that pumpkin
26:27Bonnie Louise Hopkins, will you marry me?
26:36Cooking clips
26:50No, that's not when your hairdresser Raul has left your curlers in the heating unit too long
26:55When I think of cooking clips, I'm reminded of this informative set of videos
26:59Will you stop that?
27:03First, apply the chocolate to the whole vase
27:05Hey, hey, you missed a spot
27:07Next
27:12Add just a splash of milk
27:14Remember, just a splash
27:16A little spaghetti helps give a continental flavor
27:22Encore
27:26A few scoops of ice cream
27:32Finally, mix thoroughly until exhausted
27:38Oh, now
27:41This recipe serves 48 hungry people
27:44And here they are, celebrating the birthday of a blindfolded man
27:48Not him
27:49The blindfolded man is named Jim Kiss
27:51Now, remember the name Jim Kiss
27:53Because it is important to my joke
27:56And here is my joke
27:58Jim Kiss is about to get it
28:00In the kisser
28:02No matter how old I get
28:19Nothing tastes as good as a big bowl of strained beets
28:22Boy, they're even better after you eat them
28:26My mom eats to spend hours in the kitchen trying to pry the caps off those little jars
28:30But not every kid has a fond memory of those early foods
28:33Mmm, oh man
28:35Mmm, more beets, please
28:37Mmm
28:38Here's a new taste treat
28:40Grapefruit
28:41I guess grapefruit is an acquired taste
28:49Now, why would those guys eat grapefruit when they could have something normal
28:57Like this giant kosher garlic pickle
29:00There is a limit to the amount of strained carrots a person can eat
29:14A certain kind of applesauce at a certain time of day
29:24Can turn an unsuspecting toddler into W.C. Fields
29:27Ugh, lamb chops again
29:34Here's a toddler tidbit
29:41When you eat ice cream
29:42Always wear your mittens
29:44You never know what you'll see next on this tape
30:05In fact, I don't know what we're gonna see next
30:07So let's just both sit back and be surprised
30:10Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
30:40The montage you're about to see is a mixture of home videos and music.
31:08Well, really, it's a mixture of home videos, music, and water, and kids, and sports fanatics,
31:13and soap suds, and all kinds of water things.
31:38Well, really, it's a mixture of home videos, music, and music, and music, and music, and music, and music, and music.
31:45Well, really, it's a mixture of home.
32:07I've got to tell you,
32:35you're the best viewer of viewers we could have asked for.
32:38I'm not just kissing up.
32:39But I must say, I'm a little bit hurt by you.
32:41Yeah, you know who you are.
32:43That one guy who always fast-forwards through me
32:45to get to the videos quicker.
32:46But I forgive you, Dad.
32:48Well, usually we run out of time,
32:50but in this instance, we're running out of tape.
32:52Trust me, there's only a few feet left.
32:53So I was told to leave you with one more video, and I will.
32:56I don't know where I'll see you next.
32:58On the show, on a tape, or in front of your home.
33:01But I have to say, take care of yourselves
33:02and keep those cameras safely rolling.
33:04Now, here comes that lost clip
33:06that some of you might call your favorite pick.
33:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
33:14Okay.
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