- 5 minutes ago
I Married Joan 1952 Vol 2 -Part 2
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I married Joan
00:07What a girl, what a world, what a life
00:11Oh, I married Joan
00:15What a mind, love is blind, what a wife
00:18He's gay all day, she keeps my heart laughing
00:23Never know where her brain has blown
00:27To each his own
00:30Can he not ask why I married Joan
00:34The Joan Davis Show
00:36I Married Joan
00:38America's favorite comedy show
00:41Starring America's queen of comedy
00:44Joan Davis
00:46As Mrs. Joan Stevens
00:48And featuring
00:56Jim Backus
00:57As Judge Bradley Stevens
01:00By Mary Joan
01:09Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:22La-da-dum, la-da-da-da-dum
01:25Ah, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you
01:30Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33Oh, how can I help it?
01:35Being married to sweet, darling, wonderful you
01:37Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah
01:39Well, that takes care of my shower this morning
01:42Oh, breakfast in bed, what did I do to deserve this?
01:49You married me
01:50Huh?
01:52Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband
01:56And after all this time, it just occurred to you this morning
01:59Oh, no, darling
02:01Oh, honey, that's a good shootout
02:05No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear
02:11But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning
02:15I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having
02:18With all those old high school girlfriends of mine
02:20Just think I haven't seen them for 15 years
02:23Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early
02:26And, well, I was thinking
02:28Would I be as excited about seeing the girls
02:30If I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
02:34Oh, no, I, uh, I see
02:37Why won't the girls just turn green with envy
02:40When they hear that I'm married to a judge?
02:42Well, honey, uh, maybe some of the other girls married well, too
02:48Maybe, but to a judge
02:50Yes, I guess you're right
02:52You know, judges don't grow on trees
02:54Oh, no, no, let me do that for you, judge
02:58Oh, love her
02:59Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge
03:05Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance
03:09She was the flighty one of the bunch
03:11Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:14Me?
03:14Oh, I was the normal one
03:16Oh, yes, darling
03:19I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you
03:22For all the wonderful
03:23Charlie, I can't, you know
03:24Sorry
03:25But when I walk into that old classroom
03:28And meet all the girls
03:29Oh, I'm proud of you
03:31Believe me
03:32Joan, Joan, that I'm right
03:34Oh, I'm sorry
03:36I've had my breakfast
03:37Just excited, I guess
03:40Oh, thank you
03:43Thank you for marrying me
03:45You sweet, wonderful
03:46Honka judge, you
03:48Nimo
03:48Baby
03:50Baby
03:50Baby
04:04La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
04:34Joni, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39Joni! Gloria!
04:41Oh, oh, I'm never glad to see you.
04:45Guess what happened to me?
04:46I'm married to a judge.
04:47You never have to have a judge, Bradley James Stephen.
04:50He's awfully young.
04:51Is he a judge?
04:52Let me take a look at you.
04:56You haven't changed the bit.
04:58Oh, I'm going to come right over here.
05:00I want to hear all about you, what you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03I want to hear every little detail.
05:05Well, you know how I always love sports.
05:06Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stephens?
05:09Huh?
05:10Well, the man I married happens to be a judge.
05:12Girls!
05:14Minnie!
05:15Oh, is this wonderful!
05:17You know, I've been thinking about this by all the time.
05:19I made up my mind.
05:21I'm married to a judge.
05:22I should have.
05:23I wish I could have had a judge.
05:24I think this is something I would bring up to be a judge.
05:28Let me take a look at you.
05:31You haven't changed the bit, huh?
05:34Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I'm married to happens to be a judge.
05:38No!
05:39No!
05:39No!
05:40No!
05:40No!
05:41No!
05:41No!
05:42No!
05:42No!
05:43No!
05:43I never thought it would work on me.
05:45Whenever I make a sign like that, it never worked out.
05:47Judge Bradley J. Stephens, I've never had a judge.
05:49I've never had a judge before you know when I was a judge that you've...
05:52Let me take a look at you.
05:54You haven't changed the bit.
05:57Well, let's all sit down and tell us a little bit.
05:59Oh, it's always for you to get all talked about after 15 years.
06:02I made my mind up there when we asked you to be a judge.
06:04You're a judge, you're a judge, you're a judge.
06:05You're a judge, you're a judge.
06:06And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to...
06:09Oh, you're married, Joni.
06:10Yes, I am.
06:11Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12How about you, Manny?
06:12Are you married?
06:13No, I never found the time.
06:14Me either.
06:15What about you, Gloria?
06:16No, too busy.
06:17You know, I'll be saying that.
06:18And you travel around.
06:19I know, God.
06:20When you're traveling, I see.
06:21When I was in England, I...
06:22For a moment, I...
06:23Oh, no.
06:24Oh, no.
06:25She came home.
06:26But you know, of course.
06:27I don't mind.
06:28I will.
06:29I swear to you, Manny.
06:30Be careful with something and everything.
06:31Girls!
06:32Mrs. Faulkner.
06:33What does this say?
06:34Judge.
06:35Very good.
06:36Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be...
06:40Congratulations.
06:41Well, thank you, Manny.
06:42I really think I'm very fortunate myself.
06:44It was wonderful.
06:45It was so great.
06:46Congratulations, Gloria.
06:47For what?
06:48You mean, you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:54Well, of course.
06:55The papers were full of them.
06:57But what's that got to do with...
06:58Gloria?
06:59You are Babe Jones?
07:02What?
07:03You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
07:07I didn't recognize.
07:09Oh, my goodness.
07:10Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:16Well, what have you been doing, Manny?
07:18Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:19Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:21Oh, fooling around, huh?
07:23Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:25Oh, sure.
07:27Oh, Madame Minette, eh?
07:31Well, of course.
07:32It's the best.
07:33I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34Atta girl.
07:35Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette?
07:38How do you do...
07:40Madame Minette?
07:42But your name is Minnie.
07:44Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:47Well, what have you been doing, Marsha?
07:50Oh, working for the government.
07:51Civil service, huh?
07:52Mm-hmm.
07:53You might call it that.
07:54Oh, that's nice.
07:55And you're not married, huh?
07:56No.
07:57Well, did I tell you, girls, who I married?
08:00No.
08:01No.
08:02No.
08:03Well, did I tell you, girls, who I married?
08:05No.
08:06No.
08:07Jodie, what does he do?
08:08Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a...
08:13Come in.
08:14Dr. Bronson?
08:17No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:20It's just us girls.
08:21I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:23Oh, pardon me.
08:27They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:29The President desires to communicate with you.
08:31President?
08:32What President?
08:33Oh, I'm sorry.
08:34He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
08:36That President?
08:38I know, but something urgent has come up and he needs your advice.
08:44Come on.
08:45Come on.
08:46Come on.
08:47Come on.
08:48Come on.
08:49Come on.
08:50Come on.
08:51Come on.
08:52Come on.
09:14Tell the President that I advise against it.
09:16Yes, Doctor.
09:17And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:20Very good, Doctor.
09:21Good day, ladies.
09:27You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:33so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter.
09:39Their ambassador with our portfolio.
09:41Well, tell us what you've been doing, Joni.
09:44Yes, with your pep and ability, you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49Well, I'm president of the board of, um...
09:53I'm chairman of the bureau of, um...
09:55I'm head of the department of...
09:57I make great meatballs!
10:01What about an identity of my own?
10:04What on earth are you talking about?
10:06I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09That's what I'm talking about.
10:11I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14You're all upset!
10:16Don't you touch me!
10:18Not after the nasty thing you did to me!
10:21The nasty thing? What did I do?
10:23You married me!
10:25That was a nasty thing?
10:27The nasty thing?
10:29Joan, you said you hated me!
10:32Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38But, gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:44Like some certain other women that I know.
10:47Some certain other women.
10:49Oh, you mean your three high school friends.
10:51Yeah.
10:52They made a mark in the world because, well, they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:56Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap and we'll talk this over.
11:03Well, if I had had half the chance, I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:10Oh, now, Joanie.
11:12Well, I was, too.
11:14Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20You helped her?
11:21Yes.
11:22I got the lowest mark.
11:25Joan.
11:26You know, Brad, I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
11:29I just know it.
11:32Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36Yes, dear.
11:42Sure.
11:43If I hadn't been rushed into marriage, I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:49Madam Manette.
11:51I could have been Lady Joan.
11:55Imagine me, head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world, sitting in my office.
12:00The largest office in the world.
12:02Oh, what power I'd have.
12:03The whole country at my feet.
12:05The largest feet in the world.
12:08Yes, this is Lady Joan, sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:23Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:24What?
12:25The U.S. Treasury is a little low and you're worried about the budget?
12:30Two billion be enough?
12:31Glad to do it.
12:32Glad.
12:33Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:34What are you putting up for collateral?
12:36Oh, I see.
12:37You'll put up Texas.
12:38But I'm sorry.
12:39I'm already holding Texas for what the last boy borrowed.
12:42Yes, Brewster?
12:43The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
12:44Fine.
12:45Send them in.
12:46Oh, wait.
12:47Light me.
12:48Real cool.
12:49I'm sorry.
12:50I'm sorry.
12:51I'm already holding Texas for what the last boy borrowed.
12:57Yes, Brewster?
12:58The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:02Fine.
13:03Send them in.
13:04Oh, wait.
13:08Light me.
13:15Real cool.
13:17Oh, Lady Joan.
13:18How can you treat me like this after what we've been to each other?
13:21Please, Brewster.
13:22We're about to have a business conference.
13:24Business.
13:25Business.
13:26Is that all you care about?
13:27All I care about is you.
13:28I love you.
13:29Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:31I love you.
13:32Do you hear?
13:33I love you.
13:34Well, don't you have anything to say?
13:37Yes.
13:38What else is new?
13:40Look at you.
13:41So cool.
13:42So cruel.
13:43So sure of yourself.
13:45If only you can let yourself go enough to accept a man to accept marriage.
13:49Oh, silly boy.
13:52I'm a big power in business.
13:54A tycoonist.
13:56I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man and wind up in nothing.
14:09But, Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:11Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that and I shall remove you as Vice President and put you back to your old job.
14:19Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:21Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:34Staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business in the entire world.
14:44And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48And why?
14:50Because I'm single.
14:52Ashley.
14:56What?
14:57Joan, what about this shirt?
14:58You know how I hate starch in the collar.
14:59Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:02Husband?
15:03Starch?
15:04Shirts?
15:05Why, there must be some mistake. I'm Lady Joan.
15:07I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and...
15:12Brewster!
15:13Throw this bounder out of here!
15:18Staff!
15:19Remove this fellow!
15:26Oh, Brett!
15:32What about the starch in his shirt?
15:35All right, I'll take care of it.
15:38I'll take care of it.
15:50Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:54Sure.
15:56I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:59Babe Jones.
16:00With the proper breaks, I could have been...
16:04Babe Stevens.
16:06Why not?
16:10Keep it up, Babe. You're doing great.
16:13This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:16I know, I know, Babe.
16:18Here, have some hot soup.
16:30How much fiber?
16:31You've been in the water for four days.
16:32You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:33You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:38Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:39This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:40Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
16:41Oh, Fred, no!
16:42Joni, I tasted the salad dressing.
16:43It's terrible.
16:44It's terrible.
16:45It's terrible.
16:46It's flat.
16:47Well, it just needs a little salt.
16:48Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:55This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:59Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:03Oh, Fred, no!
17:08Joanie, I tasted the salad dressing. It's terrible. It's flat.
17:13Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:18Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:23But have some consideration for my feelings. Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:30Be a little diplomatic, huh? Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose. Diplomatic.
17:37People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:40Dr. Bronson. Gosh, diplomats.
17:45They're all over the place. London, Vienna, Paris.
17:50Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:53Right? I'm Bronson.
17:55Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:56I'm so relieved they've sent you, Doctor.
17:58The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:01The President of France is waiting to see you.
18:03Lead on, Bronson.
18:04Mr. President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:13Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:17My country's greetings, President, and felicitations from my president.
18:22But I can't waste time. I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:28But of course, whenever the great John Stevens, without Portfolio 1M, arrives anywhere in the world, history is in the making. I am honored.
18:37Naturally.
18:38Now, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
18:43If Sinaloa moves upon Bezarabia, and Bezarabia moves upon Indorazia, and Indorazia moves upon Pakistania, and Pakistania moves upon Ira Basque, serious repercussions will follow that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:59As serious as that, ma'amusea?
19:01As serious as that.
19:02If you say so.
19:03I say so.
19:04Then it must be so.
19:05Naturally.
19:06And at the same time, due to pressures from these outer fringes, and a power squeeze in the middle, France may well become the Pope.
19:17Good heavens, what must France do?
19:19There is only one thing France can do.
19:22What is that?
19:23Squeeze back.
19:25If you say so.
19:26I say so.
19:27Then it must be so.
19:29Naturally.
19:30Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:34Joan!
19:34Joan!
19:35You are a special courier with new orders?
19:38And your orders are to come home.
19:40The salad dressing is okay, but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:43We have a damn, Matt.
19:45I'm in Paris!
19:54Oh, Brad!
20:00That did it.
20:01It's no use, Brad.
20:05I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:08Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:11Well, honey, I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:14So you go out and make your mark in the world, and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:18But before you start out on your new venture, you have to be a good little housewife for one more night and fix a nice dinner.
20:24We're having company.
20:25Company?
20:26Company?
20:26Yes, Minnie called.
20:27She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:30Oh!
20:31Well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:32They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:35My last night as a housewife!
20:38Of course, where the line between right and wrong is not carefully drawn, then a person
20:44like myself, sitting in judgment upon others, must do a lot of soul searching.
20:49A judge must be free of pressure.
20:51Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:54Shh!
20:54Girls, you don't understand.
20:59Brad has released me.
21:00I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:04No more drudgery for me.
21:06You talk about drudgery.
21:08What do you think I'm up against?
21:10Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets, sales meetings, buyers, competitors stabbing you in the back?
21:16At least you get to stay home.
21:18I'm always on the move.
21:20No place to hang my hat.
21:21Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:25On your guard, watch yourself.
21:28Drudgery.
21:28You should talk.
21:30Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:32Do your road work for two hours.
21:34Breakfast.
21:35One lean lamb chop.
21:37Every day the same thing.
21:38Every day the same lamb chop.
21:40What are you girls complaining about?
21:42Well, what is it that you girls really want?
21:46A man to take care of me.
21:48One for me, too.
21:50One for me, too.
21:51What am I crying about?
21:57I've got a man.
22:00Have you, Johnny?
22:01Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:03Oh, that's right.
22:05She did.
22:06Yes.
22:06She certainly did.
22:08Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:10Judge, what about dinner?
22:12Save supper time for me.
22:13I'll meet you any place you say.
22:15I'll be there, too.
22:16I'd love to get that.
22:18Hold it.
22:21Now you girls, cut that out.
22:24But, Joanie, lover, I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:29I do.
22:31And here it is.
22:32On you.
22:33I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:45And, uh, incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:48Who was acting?
22:51Speak for me.
22:53You're a doll, Brad.
22:57Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:01Who doesn't?
23:04All right, dear.
23:05Good night.
23:07Goodbye, girls.
23:07See you 15 years from now.
23:09It's been swell.
23:11All right.
23:11Get in there.
23:12You were enjoying that, Brad.
23:14Bye, guys.
23:44See you 15 years from now.
23:45See you 15 years from now.
23:46See you 15 years from now.
23:47See you 15 years from now.
23:48See you 15 years from now.
23:49See you 15 years from now.
23:50See you 15 years from now.
23:51See you 15 years from now.
23:52See you 15 years from now.
23:53See you 15 years from now.
23:54See you 15 years from now.
23:55See you 15 years from now.
23:56See you 15 years from now.
23:57See you 15 years from now.
23:58See you 15 years from now.
23:59See you 15 years from now.
24:00See you 15 years from now.
24:01See you 15 years from now.
24:02See you 15 years from now.
24:03See you 15 years from now.
24:04See you 15 years from now.
24:05See you 15 years from now.
24:06See you 15 years from now.
24:07See you 15 years from now.
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