- 15 hours ago
With an aspiration to become a journalist, Andy, a smart but sensible young graduate, travels to New York. She starts working as an assistant to one of the city's biggest high fashion magazine editors, the cynical Miranda Priestly.
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:29CastingWords
00:01:35CastingWords
00:01:44CastingWords
00:01:44Sting!
00:01:45Sting, open up!
00:01:47It's Beaver!
00:01:48Sting!
00:01:49Come on!
00:01:50Sting!
00:01:50Beaver, bro!
00:01:51Open the door!
00:01:53Oh, fight!
00:02:07You can't kill us all.
00:02:08We will protect the Chosen One.
00:02:21We will protect the Chosen One.
00:02:51We will protect the Chosen One.
00:03:21Peace out, world. Peace out.
00:03:46Valentina! He was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago.
00:03:50I can't believe it.
00:03:51Justin Bieber? No.
00:03:56The six pups started to die in the last year.
00:04:01And they're all with that look.
00:04:04As if they were trying to tell us something.
00:04:07That look.
00:04:11There's only one person on Earth who would know how to interpret this look.
00:04:16It's a dead end, Valentina. No one has seen that man in years.
00:04:19Then God help us all.
00:04:22Shocking, stupefying, something out of a Hollywood disaster movie.
00:04:39Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described what happened today as Derek Zoolander, center for kids who can't read good and who want to learn to do other stuff good too, literally collapsed into the East River only two days after its official opening.
00:04:54Students and teachers were evacuated, and while Zoolander and his son, Derek Jr., were unharmed, sadly his wife, Matilda Jeffrey Zoolander, has reportedly died.
00:05:04I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt.
00:05:09A vigil is being held tonight for the other chiseled-cheeked lion of the mottling kingdom, Hansel, who is reported to have sustained permanent injury to his breathtaking face after being trapped beneath a burning beam.
00:05:27Although authorities are still investigating, the cause of the disaster is believed to be Zoolander's mind-boggling decision to build the reading center out of the actual materials that were used to construct the original architectural model.
00:05:41Clothing designer Jacob Mugberg, a.k.a. Jacobing Mugatu, was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms in a maximum security fashion prison for his role in the attempted assassination of the Malaysian prime minister.
00:05:55His co-conspirator, modeling agent Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness.
00:05:59I'll give you anything you want of that for cop to speak.
00:06:01In exchange for relocation in the witness protection program.
00:06:05Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.
00:06:11This footage was taken by a neighbor across from Zoolander's Soho loft.
00:06:16DJ, how did mommy make it soft?
00:06:19The Child Protection Agency removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr., late last night in a daring midnight raid, placing him in the custody of the state.
00:06:28Which is why it pains me to say that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling and live alone as a hermit crab.
00:06:37I will now be anonymous and known only as Eric Two-Lander.
00:06:44And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old.
00:06:49Incredible as it may sound, of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year, less than 2% can tell you what a fax machine is.
00:06:58Name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was.
00:07:02Name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was.
00:07:32Name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was.
00:07:39Go away.
00:07:43Eric, open up, it's me.
00:07:45I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way. No one lives here by that name.
00:07:49Right, I'm sorry. I mean, Eric, I've got your mail.
00:08:02Billy Zane
00:08:05It's been years
00:08:07Where's my regular male person, Ingvar?
00:08:10He couldn't make it
00:08:11I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by
00:08:13Got your Netflix?
00:08:17Oh, Jack Ryan
00:08:19And Jack Reacher
00:08:21Tonight's gonna be a total jack-off
00:08:23You got something else here
00:08:25What is it?
00:08:29Open it
00:08:30Greetings, Derek Zulaunder
00:08:47Are you a box troll?
00:08:50That's Alexania E. Taz
00:08:52Owner of the largest fashion empire in the world
00:08:54Because you are one of the world's
00:08:57true Thesian icons
00:08:59I have personally elected you
00:09:02To come to Rome
00:09:04The eternal city
00:09:07To model my newest collection
00:09:09By my hottest now designer
00:09:12Don Atari
00:09:15Who?
00:09:17Don Atari
00:09:18He's it in fashion right now
00:09:21People would die to be in this show
00:09:22I can't
00:09:23Am I ermid crap now?
00:09:26Flouting, Derek Zulaunder?
00:09:28I already told you
00:09:29It's like you're not even listening to me
00:09:31Because you are one of the world's
00:09:32Derek
00:09:37Eric
00:09:39Maybe it's time to engage with the world again
00:09:44Think about it, man
00:09:46This could be a sign
00:09:47What if it's a stop sign, Billy?
00:09:49I used to be a successful model slash fashion icon
00:09:53Now I'm just a model slash failure
00:09:57Slash guy who is still a model slash father
00:10:01Slash guy who killed his wife using cheap building materials that collapsed on her
00:10:06Slash guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that
00:10:10Slash guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft
00:10:13So they took away his son
00:10:14So Slash now is alone and hiding from the world
00:10:16Slash
00:10:18Slash, have you ever even tried to get your son back?
00:10:27You can do that?
00:10:29Yeah
00:10:29You hire a litigator
00:10:31He files the appropriate paperwork
00:10:32But I don't even know where he is
00:10:33First things first
00:10:36If you take this job that Alexania is offering you
00:10:40You could prove to child services that you are a productive member of society again
00:10:44Go to Rome
00:10:47Find yourself
00:10:50Become the father you were meant to be
00:10:53And get your boy back
00:10:56Safe journey, my friend
00:11:09Thanks, Billy
00:11:23Thanks, Billy
00:11:24Thank you
00:11:53What do you got?
00:12:08Ball and chain not happy.
00:12:20Sorry I'm late.
00:12:21Oh my gosh.
00:12:22I was finishing up Shavasana and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere.
00:12:27I'm okay though.
00:12:29Hi Natalka, you look beautiful.
00:12:32Really?
00:12:33Yes, really.
00:12:35Dinner is ruined.
00:12:39I told you not to wait for me, didn't I? Remember we talked about this.
00:12:43Can't we just take it slow?
00:12:45When I met you guys two years ago, it was the best orgy of my life.
00:12:49Let's get back to that feeling. It's there.
00:12:53Hansel.
00:12:57Every relationship has to evolve.
00:13:00Somehow you've managed to stay the same.
00:13:02But you're gonna have to change my man.
00:13:06Cause change she is a coming.
00:13:08What?
00:13:09What?
00:13:17Natalka.
00:13:18All of you.
00:13:19How is this even possible?
00:13:20We thought she'd be happy.
00:13:21Well I am happy.
00:13:23It's just a lot to process.
00:13:24And that's what I'm doing.
00:13:25To be honest, I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a...
00:13:28You mean a father?
00:13:29What?
00:13:30Uh huh.
00:13:31I...
00:13:32I...
00:13:33I want to check on these.
00:13:34On the camel here.
00:13:35Oh.
00:13:36Oh.
00:13:37Oh.
00:13:38Oh.
00:13:39Oh.
00:13:40Oh.
00:13:41Oh.
00:13:42Oh.
00:13:43Oh.
00:13:44Oh.
00:13:45Oh.
00:13:46Oh.
00:13:47Oh.
00:13:48Oh.
00:13:49Oh.
00:13:50Oh.
00:13:51Oh.
00:13:52Oh.
00:13:53Oh.
00:13:54Oh.
00:13:55Oh, oh.
00:13:56Oh, oh.
00:14:02Oh.
00:14:03Who am I!?
00:14:06Oh, my.
00:14:10Oh, my...
00:14:12Oh, um.
00:14:15Who am I?
00:14:16Who am I?
00:14:18Who am I?
00:14:20Hey, Hansel.
00:14:21Really insane.
00:14:22Got your netflix.
00:14:23I know, it's my bag.
00:14:43Excuse me, I think that's...
00:14:44No, trust me, this is my bag.
00:14:46Just look at the ticket right here.
00:14:48Never heard of him, honcho.
00:14:49Look right here at the ticket, and you can see that...
00:14:52Derek Zoolander.
00:14:57Hi.
00:14:59It's been a long time.
00:15:00Yeah, not long enough.
00:15:03Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should...
00:15:05Peace!
00:15:06Wait a minute!
00:15:08We haven't seen each other...
00:15:09Oh, since the building you designed fell on my face and ruined my career?
00:15:12Yeah, it's been a while.
00:15:14It was an accident!
00:15:15I didn't mean to...
00:15:16You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks
00:15:18and highly flammable rubber cement?
00:15:21That was just a little accident?
00:15:22Yeah.
00:15:24This is it.
00:15:25Forever.
00:15:26Because I promise you, this is the last time we will ever see each other.
00:15:31Right here, this moment.
00:15:32Goodbye forever.
00:15:35Works for me.
00:15:36Hope you're not an epiplectic, because we're about to get blinded.
00:15:51Yeah, here we go.
00:15:55Susan Boyer, right here!
00:15:56Susan Boyer!
00:15:57Susan Boyer!
00:15:58Take a picture of that!
00:16:00Watch it!
00:16:01I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, they don't know who we are.
00:16:07Derek!
00:16:08Hansel!
00:16:09Hey, boys, I'm Vip.
00:16:12Vip?
00:16:13Yeah!
00:16:14I'm in charge of social media for Donatari.
00:16:16I've been working for him since I was 10.
00:16:18How old are you now?
00:16:1911.
00:16:20Should we go to the hotel?
00:16:21It's pretty strange you and I both getting called back to the big stage like this.
00:16:40A gig's a gig.
00:16:41I'm just doing this to get my son back.
00:16:43Explain how doing a fashion show is going to accomplish that.
00:16:46Simple.
00:16:47Child services, here's I'm working again.
00:16:50KKK, a responsible parent.
00:16:52And they gave me my son back.
00:16:54Responsible parent.
00:16:56What, you don't think I could be one?
00:16:57No, it just brings up some junk from the past.
00:17:00I didn't have a father.
00:17:00It's kind of my big issue right now.
00:17:03You didn't have a father?
00:17:04Yeah.
00:17:05Well, my mom ever told me I was my dad who was a beat cop.
00:17:09Always on the road.
00:17:11The road away from little Hansel.
00:17:16Valentina, you're going to want to see this.
00:17:27Check out Mr. Disco Perichy.
00:17:36Full Lander is in Rome?
00:17:38Welcome to the Palazzo di Caca.
00:17:50The entire hotel is biodegradable and made from reclaimed human waste.
00:17:55This is the ultra-exclusive, fully toxic, zero-footprint suite.
00:17:59The masseuses at the spa are all homeless,
00:18:01and the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi.
00:18:04Wait, we're rooming together?
00:18:06Mm-hmm.
00:18:06There must be some mistake.
00:18:08I'll call Billy Zane.
00:18:09Good idea.
00:18:12Look, a tiny phone.
00:18:13That is so retro.
00:18:14I'm going to take a picture with my phone.
00:18:16This is Billy Zane.
00:18:17I'm not a hero.
00:18:19Well, Don and Ty is waiting for you down in the lobby.
00:18:21Oh, and don't drink the water or you'll die.
00:18:23I just have one question.
00:18:29Yeah?
00:18:30What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?
00:18:34You're asking me?
00:18:35Muchacho, I have no idea.
00:18:37For serious?
00:18:38No!
00:18:38Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face like,
00:18:40I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is.
00:18:42I was just acting cool because I thought you knew.
00:18:44I thought you knew!
00:18:46No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool.
00:18:48I miss not knowing things with you.
00:18:53Yeah, me too.
00:18:54Why didn't we do this sooner?
00:18:56Because we've both been in hiding since the day I killed my wife
00:18:58and permanently disfigured you.
00:19:00Oh, yeah, that's probably it.
00:19:03That was the day I lost the fire.
00:19:05The fire?
00:19:07Fire in my face.
00:19:10It's kind of my big issue right now.
00:19:12You've still got it, D-Zone.
00:19:14You're Derek Zoolander.
00:19:15You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look.
00:19:20I was there.
00:19:23That's not me anymore.
00:19:25Yes, it is.
00:19:27Hey, flash me that beautiful look.
00:19:29Give me that incredible magnum.
00:19:31No!
00:19:33Think fast.
00:19:34Magnum.
00:19:34Wait, no!
00:19:35Magnum, now!
00:19:38Come on!
00:19:39You've got this, but you've got to focus.
00:19:41Come on!
00:19:43Hansel, stop!
00:19:43You've got this!
00:19:44Maybe we could try a washcloth.
00:19:47Tequila!
00:19:48Hansel, no!
00:19:49No!
00:19:50It's not working!
00:19:52All right, you're right.
00:19:57Whew.
00:19:59What happened to us?
00:20:02You mean me.
00:20:05You still have it.
00:20:07No, I don't.
00:20:08Look at this face.
00:20:09It's a horror show.
00:20:10It's a horror show.
00:20:10It's a horror show.
00:20:14Come on, Hansel.
00:20:16It can't be that bad.
00:20:18It is.
00:20:19Take off your mask.
00:20:20No.
00:20:21No way.
00:20:22No one's ever seen me without this mask.
00:20:25And no one ever will.
00:20:27I think I know the real you.
00:20:30And it has nothing to do with the way you look.
00:20:31You mean that?
00:20:34Of course I do.
00:20:36Okay.
00:20:40No!
00:20:42It's disgusting!
00:20:43Put it back!
00:20:44I was wrong!
00:20:44Please put the mask back on!
00:20:45It's so gross!
00:20:46I can't be friends with you if you look like that!
00:20:47Please!
00:20:48Oh!
00:20:48This is disgusting!
00:20:50Please put it back!
00:20:50Please, Hansel!
00:20:51Put it back!
00:20:51I was wrong!
00:20:52No.
00:20:53This feels good.
00:20:55Could you please put the mask back on so I can concentrate on what you're saying?
00:20:58No!
00:20:58I'm done hiding.
00:21:00Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves.
00:21:03Know what that is?
00:21:05Look inward and connect with our authentic truth.
00:21:07No.
00:21:08I was going to say become the two biggest, hottest models in the world again.
00:21:12Okay.
00:21:13Okay.
00:21:13So what say we get you cleaned up, shave that billy goat beard, go downstairs and show these
00:21:18bumps what real fashion looks like?
00:21:28He said, yeah, if you wear some outfit, your hands up, we got you surrounded.
00:21:34I'm in the back, changing my outfit.
00:21:36He said, blip, we will sit in the house and I said, wait.
00:21:38Here I come.
00:21:39Here I come.
00:21:40Here I come.
00:21:41You boys, get ready.
00:21:42Cause here I come.
00:21:43Here I come.
00:21:44Here I come.
00:21:45Here I come.
00:21:45Uh, I'm so rubber one, honey.
00:21:47How much charisma could have number one stunt?
00:21:49And I'm a murk, half-eard, leading comp bar site.
00:21:51Oh, my God.
00:21:58Yes, dude.
00:22:00Yes.
00:22:00You guys look so lame.
00:22:02I love it, dude.
00:22:03You need to just dress up all old school just to meet me.
00:22:05So Jedi.
00:22:06You guys suck.
00:22:07Both of you guys suck.
00:22:07You look great, man.
00:22:09Thanks.
00:22:11I'm Don Tari.
00:22:12What up?
00:22:13What up, Hansel?
00:22:15Yeah.
00:22:16That's sick, dude.
00:22:17Wait a minute.
00:22:18I'll call Billy.
00:22:19I just said that.
00:22:21I know, like 15 minutes ago, right?
00:22:23Biff told me so I made these retro shirts with your old catchphrase on it, dude.
00:22:27Cool.
00:22:28Hey, let me introduce my collector, dude.
00:22:30They're all losers.
00:22:30I hate these guys.
00:22:31Got TRS-80, Kit, Rubik, my man, Gleek.
00:22:35Hey, dude, this guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever, dude.
00:22:38He's a genius.
00:22:39His tattoos are so stupid.
00:22:40He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders.
00:22:42Look at that.
00:22:42Pretty epic, huh?
00:22:43It sucks.
00:22:43I don't like it, dude.
00:22:45Why would I do this to myself?
00:22:47I never wanted this on me.
00:22:48I love it, dude.
00:22:48I got it when my grandfather died.
00:22:50That's really cool.
00:22:51So, uh, what's the deal with the show?
00:22:53Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw?
00:22:56Coliseum?
00:22:57Trevi Fountain?
00:22:58Spanish Steps?
00:22:59Uh, uh, what?
00:23:01No way, dude.
00:23:01Hey, those places are nart-nart-bobo.
00:23:03We're holding an abandoned medical waste facility on top of an industrial trash heap, dude.
00:23:07It's totally toxic, but it's super chill.
00:23:10Cool.
00:23:10Sounds dope.
00:23:11Yeah, fresh.
00:23:12Oh, what?
00:23:14He's like, sounds dope.
00:23:16Fresh.
00:23:17They're doing the voices and everything, dude.
00:23:19I didn't think guys would do the voices.
00:23:20That's sick, dude.
00:23:22Sounds dope.
00:23:23Sounds fresh.
00:23:25I don't like you guys, dude.
00:23:26It's an honor to have you.
00:23:27Hey, yo, re-treads.
00:23:44Hey, I want to introduce y'all to my muse.
00:23:46I'm basically, like, the biggest supermodel in the whole world right now, dude.
00:23:49This is all.
00:23:51All what?
00:23:52Yeah, all.
00:23:53So, are you, like, a male model or a female model?
00:23:58Well, it's not defined by binary constructs.
00:24:01That's cool.
00:24:02I don't like labels either.
00:24:03But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun?
00:24:07Do you have a wiener or a giener?
00:24:10All is all to all.
00:24:14By the way, all just married her himself, dude.
00:24:17Mono marriage is finally legal in Italy.
00:24:19I support that.
00:24:21Derek, pretty good, right?
00:24:23I'm sorry, uh, are you not comfortable with people, like, all in the workplace or something?
00:24:30No.
00:24:30Of course I am.
00:24:31I mean, like, if your son or whatever came up to you and was like,
00:24:33Hey, Dad, I really want to marry all.
00:24:35Like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that?
00:24:36Like, exactly what you want?
00:24:38Imagine all walking in being like, we're finally together.
00:24:42You would be, like, hell stoked for that, right?
00:24:44Yeah.
00:24:46I'd be, like, totally stoked.
00:24:48All is done here.
00:24:50Atari.
00:24:51See you, fools.
00:24:52Guys, Alexania Etos is here.
00:24:55The show must begin now.
00:24:58Wow.
00:25:00Alexania Etos.
00:25:01They say she doesn't walk, she just floats.
00:25:07She looks even better in person.
00:25:08I got those juices flowing again.
00:25:24Just put us out there.
00:25:26Let us do our thing.
00:25:30Come on, come on.
00:25:32Chop, chop.
00:25:33Lay down, lay down.
00:25:34Get in, get in.
00:25:36Take off your ropes.
00:25:36Derek, I have a really good feeling about this.
00:25:45I know.
00:25:46I feel so alive.
00:25:47I know.
00:25:56Oh.
00:25:56Oh.
00:26:00Old.
00:26:07Lamé?
00:26:08LeMay?
00:26:23Quit it all!
00:26:25Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog!
00:26:28Hold this down.
00:26:37Rules!
00:26:50Wow.
00:26:54So let me tell you what I think worked.
00:26:56I think we got to shake off some of the rust.
00:26:58I was trying out a few new looks, although it might have been hard to see through all the dates, or was it...
00:27:03Hansel, are you insane?
00:27:05We were a joke out there!
00:27:07A total laughing stick!
00:27:09What do you want me to say?
00:27:10I mean, I don't...
00:27:11I know we look like idiots, but I'm trying to make the best of it!
00:27:13Nook nook!
00:27:14Not now!
00:27:19You...
00:27:21too...
00:27:23were a mild thing.
00:27:25Diluc,
00:27:27your face is so handsome,
00:27:29and Hansel
00:27:31so stymie.
00:27:33Ridiculously stymie unhoiled.
00:27:37I'm sorry, I can't understand a word that you're saying.
00:27:40I want to invite you to be my guests
00:27:43at the most elite fishing event in Haustory.
00:27:48The Incrediball.
00:27:50Oh, what?
00:27:52The Incrediball?
00:27:53Is that like the MetBall?
00:27:54Is that like the MetBall?
00:27:55Ha ha ha ha!
00:27:57No, sweet, stupid Daruk.
00:28:01For the first time in the Haustory of Fission,
00:28:05all of the most imparted designers will come together under one real life.
00:28:11I trust you will be there
00:28:14with your hoiled and stymie faces.
00:28:22Dudes, holy shazbop.
00:28:23What?
00:28:25You guys are gonna be the centerpistle of Incrediball, eh?
00:28:28What does that mean?
00:28:29They're gonna be the centerpistle of Incrediball, eh?
00:28:31Huh?
00:28:33That was bananas, Johnny.
00:28:39I'm done.
00:28:40What?
00:28:41Derek, what are you talking about?
00:28:42Did you not hear what they just said?
00:28:43We're gonna be the center of the Incrediball.
00:28:45I can only pray that nobody from child services attended the show,
00:28:48or I'll never get little Derek back.
00:28:50What about all the attention?
00:28:51This is exactly what we were talking about.
00:28:53No, Ansel.
00:28:54It's exactly what you were talking about.
00:28:56We don't fit in anymore.
00:28:57Donatari, and all, and that creepy little VIP.
00:29:01I don't want any part of it.
00:29:02Derek.
00:29:03Derek!
00:29:05Derek!
00:29:06D-Rock!
00:29:27And I'm a trendy figure,
00:29:28I'll take a place to talk about...
00:29:29Derek Zoolander?
00:29:31Yes.
00:29:34Valentina Valencia, Interpol.
00:29:36Global Fashion Division.
00:29:38Fashion police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else.
00:29:41Besides, I'm out of fashion.
00:29:44I need to talk to you.
00:29:46It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber.
00:29:48His death is not my problem.
00:29:49Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world,
00:29:53and I think you are my only chance.
00:29:55chance what part of not my problem did you not understand none of it so you did understand the
00:30:04part about it not being my problem or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my
00:30:07problem oh no no no no derek i think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying
00:30:13but she doesn't accept it pencil it's all too confusing i thought coming here would help me
00:30:18find myself and possibly my son but this is more than i bargained for this hermit crab is crawling
00:30:25back into his planetarium i can use the database and interpol to help you find your son
00:30:32if you help me
00:30:35i think we gotta play ball with her she's got some kind of database or something that she says
00:30:43will help us find little derek
00:30:45and she's hot i trust her
00:30:55so before bieber died he tweet picked this look he posted it to the blog spot for his summer concert tour
00:31:09he was trying to send a message
00:31:25it's blue steel right
00:31:29what are you a fucking idiot
00:31:33yeah that's blue steel
00:31:37my question is is interplay one of those socialist things where they hire mentally impaired people
00:31:43i know that's right i heard your mother worked here
00:31:48oh snap
00:31:50my mother doesn't work here
00:31:54no more games okay is this blue steel or not
00:31:59not even close
00:32:01i knew what it was the moment i saw it
00:32:03it's an old one from the 90s it was for a body lotion campaign i did
00:32:07i called it aqua vitae
00:32:09fight
00:32:10out of here
00:32:11out of here
00:32:13out of here
00:32:16out of here
00:32:26out of here
00:32:28out of here
00:32:32out of here
00:32:35you
00:32:46still holds up
00:32:58notice the curvature of my right eyebrow
00:33:00it's night and day from blue steel
00:33:02He's right. When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies.
00:33:07Wow. I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved.
00:33:12Please accept my apologies, Derek.
00:33:15None taken.
00:33:27Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Acqua Vitae.
00:33:30Yes, signorina.
00:33:33Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal.
00:33:36Now you help me find my son.
00:33:38Sure. His name is Derek Junior?
00:33:41Yes.
00:33:42Have you ever Facebooked him?
00:33:44No, thanks. Matilda Facebooked, and it killed her.
00:33:49Found him. He's at the Orphanage del Piccolo Cletusii.
00:33:54Here. In Rome.
00:33:57Wait, what?
00:33:59He's in Rome.
00:34:01That's convenient, so we can hit that party at the Incrediball.
00:34:04A little too convenient.
00:34:07Someone wants you here, guys.
00:34:09But who?
00:34:11Listen to me.
00:34:12Be careful at the Orphanage, and trust no one at House of Aethos.
00:34:16Let's see what I can find.
00:34:17Let's see what I can find.
00:34:18Let's see what I can find.
00:34:23Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous.
00:34:33Hey, you're showing up. Feel good.
00:34:35That must be him.
00:34:36Where?
00:34:37That must be him.
00:34:38Where?
00:34:39Where?
00:34:40That must be him.
00:34:41Where?
00:34:42That must be him.
00:34:43Where?
00:34:44He's even more gorgeous than I imagined.
00:34:46You're alone.
00:34:47You're alone.
00:34:48You're alone.
00:34:49I'm alone.
00:34:50I'm alone.
00:34:51I'm alone.
00:34:52You're alone.
00:34:53that must be him
00:35:04where
00:35:05he's even more gorgeous than i imagined
00:35:14you're a lucky man
00:35:17you there boy
00:35:20what's his name
00:35:23who him that's just a palla that's fabrizio
00:35:28fabrizio what a beautiful name
00:35:32he used to be called derek jr really that's strange and it's my name
00:35:38hey fatlanders make you better go get a chia ball
00:35:43let's go what let's go why i can't do this why not he's fat the fat one is derek jr
00:35:57no that chubby kid's name was fatlander i heard them call him that don't you get it he switched
00:36:02the zoo part with fat that's how he came up with fatlander fat equals zoo
00:36:07you're saying that just because your son is fat that makes him some sort of terrible person
00:36:12maybe you're right no i'm asking does being fat make someone a terrible person
00:36:17and i'm agreeing with you i seriously think that my fat son might be a terrible person
00:36:25i mean it doesn't make him a good person i know that but but i don't know what to say i think you
00:36:29better bottle talk it out
00:36:43so i guess i have a lot to ponder you sure do
00:36:46what who's that i don't know it wasn't me
00:36:58ghost matilda is that really you yes derek i'm sorry i haven't been in touch but i've just been so
00:37:06dead listen you must love our son he needs you but beware of the headmaster
00:37:15what's happening to you love our son you and beware the headmaster
00:37:24hello i'm the headmaster derek zoolander i'm assuming because i've never met you ever
00:37:35mr hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son easily arranged come
00:37:45i should tell you your son is incredibly gifted hello if you want to find the spirits in the
00:37:52material world you need to talk to the ghost in the machine what who is this i have a message in a
00:37:59bottle for you so don't go to the police okay don't go to the police because there's a message in
00:38:07a bottle okay i got it now go prank call someone else idiot here they are now
00:38:13hey there sport i hear someone's a fat little smarty pants
00:38:28leave me to it then i'm gonna let you two catch up and maybe hit the spot back at the cock
00:38:33look i know you have a lot of unresolved feelings but i'm still your father you're not my father you
00:38:42weren't there that wasn't my choice i was there when you were little most kids play catch with their
00:38:49father they don't go with them to a thong shoot there's a lot of starving children in africa who would
00:38:54die to go to a thong shoot what look let me make it up to you let's go play ball catching now ball
00:39:02catching so how's the family reunion going great i'd like to check him out for a few hours if that's
00:39:08okay sure long as he's back by sundown he seems like a nice guy you seem like an idiot okay i think
00:39:19i know what would help right now what frozen chuck a lot of gelato
00:39:32you put the feeling into my heart you send my soul sky when your loving star to the book into my brain
00:39:44goes bang bang bang
00:39:46Oh, oh, oh.
00:40:03Hashtag oops.
00:40:06You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience to make you appreciate a good makeover.
00:40:13Am I right?
00:40:13Derek?
00:40:19Derek Jr.
00:40:26Are you mentally insane?
00:40:28What?
00:40:29What are you reading?
00:40:30I am la-la-la-la?
00:40:32No books.
00:40:33Think of your mother.
00:40:35What's the big deal?
00:40:37Mom read tons of books.
00:40:38And a one-ton book killed her.
00:40:41Books didn't kill Mom.
00:40:42You didn't.
00:40:43And you nearly killed me, too.
00:40:46Come on.
00:40:47Look at us.
00:40:48We look ridiculous.
00:40:50What?
00:40:50Okay, maybe your pants are a little loose.
00:40:52Are you serious right now?
00:40:53What?
00:40:54I don't want to be anything like you.
00:40:57You're a husband.
00:40:58And you were the most narcissistic, self-involved person I've ever met.
00:41:04But that's not how I think of me.
00:41:07I'm going back to school.
00:41:09Leader Derek!
00:41:10Come back here!
00:41:11I thought we were going to give each other facials!
00:41:13Come on, Sarah.
00:41:16I'm going to have a chance to speak with you.
00:41:20Wait!
00:41:21How did you learn to speak Italian?
00:41:23Because I'm smart.
00:41:26Mom was smart, too.
00:41:27The only stupid thing she ever did was fall in love with you.
00:41:31I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is
00:41:35I don't know what to say
00:41:39No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond
00:41:42You're like a walking tyrannosaurus
00:41:44You mean walking thesaurus
00:41:47I don't know
00:41:50I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever
00:41:54But we're too different
00:41:55And it's too late
00:41:57Thanks for the gelato
00:42:01Come on, come on
00:42:06Orgy
00:42:18Hi there, Hansel
00:42:23Hi
00:42:31I heard you are on the rebound
00:42:34No, no, no
00:42:36I'm still committed
00:42:37We're just taking a little time
00:42:39Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies
00:42:42Oh, damn it
00:42:45Hansel
00:42:46Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself
00:42:51Come on
00:42:56Hansel
00:43:06Hansel, let us in
00:43:10We want to apologize
00:43:13Hansel, let us in
00:43:24We want to apologize
00:43:26Come back to the big pile, Hansel
00:43:29Touch it
00:43:30Touch me
00:43:31I want to be dirty
00:43:32Hansel, I've had enough
00:43:33Everybody back up
00:43:34Back
00:43:35Back
00:43:35Back
00:43:36Hello
00:43:41Hello
00:43:41My gosh
00:43:44Oh, Hansel
00:43:58Okay, you guys have a talk
00:44:00I'm going to a bar
00:44:01That's a good idea
00:44:02Yeah, go
00:44:02Hey
00:44:03You are a basic bitch
00:44:06Come on
00:44:07Let's go
00:44:08Come on
00:44:09Out
00:44:09I can kill you
00:44:11Please, let me just explain
00:44:15Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain
00:44:18Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people
00:44:20When you don't even love yourself
00:44:23I hope they were worth it
00:44:28That's not fair
00:44:31Kiefer
00:44:32Kiefer
00:44:34Hey, where did everybody go?
00:44:39I wasn't done with that hippo
00:44:41Who am I?
00:44:51Who am I?
00:44:53Derek?
00:44:56Hey, Hansel
00:44:56Are you trying to figure out who you are also?
00:44:59Yep
00:45:00Who am I?
00:45:05Hey, Katie
00:45:06Yeah, it's like
00:45:08When will we find out who we really are?
00:45:11I know, right?
00:45:12Who am I?
00:45:14Neil deGrasse Tyson
00:45:15Even you don't know who you are?
00:45:18In an ever-expanding universe
00:45:19Slowly pulling itself apart
00:45:21Into nothingness
00:45:22What use does the question
00:45:25Who am I even have?
00:45:28Neil, I gotta say
00:45:30You're totally blowing my mind right now
00:45:32That's what I do
00:45:34I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson
00:45:36Bitch
00:45:36Woo!
00:45:39Hansel!
00:45:39Derek, you have to come to Interpol
00:45:42I have incredible news
00:45:43We did a full diagnostic on your aqua vitae look
00:45:46And a linguistics analysis on its etymology
00:45:49The direct translation is water of life
00:45:51But many have interpreted it another way
00:45:54The fountain of youth
00:45:57Okay, look, I only work there for a summer
00:46:00And no, they don't give happy endings
00:46:02No, Derek, the actual fountain of youth
00:46:06Can you imagine?
00:46:08If the fountain of youth indeed does exist
00:46:12An Alexania Aethos could market such liquid
00:46:15Do you ever get that feeling
00:46:18When you see a beautiful teenager girl
00:46:21With perfect skin
00:46:22And you want to kill her
00:46:24And take her skin
00:46:25And put it on your skin?
00:46:27We bought her that feeling
00:46:29House of Aethos
00:46:30You are in serious danger
00:46:41Don't stand so close to me
00:46:44Come on, it's this prank caller again
00:46:46Put it on the speaker
00:46:47What, why?
00:46:48Just put it on the speaker
00:46:49Who is this?
00:46:51I am your king of pain
00:46:53Every breath this guy takes on
00:46:55Like, what are you talking about?
00:46:57Jesus
00:46:58Just meet me at St. Peter's Basilica
00:47:00At midnight
00:47:01Sounds like this guy's really into Sting
00:47:04I model my life after Sting
00:47:07And Bieber was killed
00:47:09In front of Sting's villa
00:47:10What?
00:47:30Forgive me, Father
00:47:42I have many scenes that I would like to confess
00:47:44One of my scenes has to do with the death of Justin Bieber
00:48:02No way
00:48:11Hey, Derek
00:48:13Hey, Sting
00:48:15And hello, sweet Hansel
00:48:17Hi
00:48:19You two know each other?
00:48:22Sadly, we've never met
00:48:23And yet I feel like I've known you
00:48:26My entire life
00:48:28Tell me
00:48:31Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth?
00:48:35Yes
00:48:35Why does everybody keep asking me that?
00:48:38No, Derek
00:48:39Not the handjob joint you worked at in Soho
00:48:41The real Fountain of Youth
00:48:42It dates back some 6,000 years
00:48:45Its original location is thought to have been
00:48:48The Garden of Eden
00:48:50You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca?
00:48:57No, Derek
00:48:58The Garden of Eden
00:48:59The birthplace of Adam and Eve
00:49:03And Steve
00:49:06Steve?
00:49:10Who's Steve?
00:49:12Steve was the original supermodel
00:49:14The first of the pure bloods
00:49:16He was said to be so beautiful
00:49:18With a look so powerful
00:49:19That even the pools of water he gazed upon
00:49:22Could not reflect his beauty back to him
00:49:24That look
00:49:26That look was called
00:49:28El Nino
00:49:29But honestly
00:49:33I've never heard of Steve
00:49:34Countless lives throughout history
00:49:37Have been lost to make sure of that
00:49:38Evil forces have hunted his offspring
00:49:41For centuries
00:49:42For the legend states
00:49:45That if you wrench the still beating heart
00:49:48From the gorgeous body of a true descendant of Steve
00:49:51And drink its blood
00:49:53You will obtain eternal beauty
00:49:56So the Fountain of Youth is not a Fountain at all
00:50:00The Fountain of Youth is
00:50:02A person
00:50:03And not just anyone
00:50:05A direct descendant of Steve
00:50:07The Chosen One
00:50:09How do you know all this?
00:50:11Because I and many rockstars like me
00:50:13Are his protectors
00:50:15You see there are only a few genes
00:50:17That separate the greatest rockstars in history
00:50:19From male models
00:50:21Which genes are those?
00:50:24The ones for talent and intelligence
00:50:26Of course
00:50:27We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones
00:50:30But who is the Chosen One?
00:50:33We believe
00:50:33It is your son
00:50:35And that he is in grave danger
00:50:38But he is back at the school
00:50:40We have to get to him
00:50:41Before something terrible happens to him
00:50:42No wait
00:50:43Hansel
00:50:44Look into my eyes
00:50:45Is there anything you want to ask me?
00:50:49Anything at all?
00:50:52Do you really have sex for ten hours?
00:50:57No comment
00:50:58Fifty
00:51:00Farewell my handsome boy
00:51:04Farewell
00:51:05Goodbye Sting
00:51:06He's gone!
00:51:32It's like no one was ever here
00:51:36It was a wig
00:51:40What?
00:51:41It was a wig the whole time
00:51:43That was a wig?
00:51:44That headmaster wasn't a good guy at all
00:51:47No!
00:51:49No!
00:51:50No!
00:51:51No!
00:51:52No!
00:51:53No!
00:51:53Derek, relax!
00:52:00Don't do it
00:52:01Why do you want to go do it?
00:52:10Filippo
00:52:11Si
00:52:11I need you to pull up everything you have on the man who was arrested back in 2001 for brainwashing Zoolander
00:52:16Facial scans to be cross-referenced with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage
00:52:21It's a positive ID
00:52:25The headmaster didn't even have a name or papers
00:52:29Oh my god!
00:52:31It's the evil breakdancing DJ!
00:52:33He was arrested with Mugato and his accomplice back in 2001
00:52:36It's Katinka Ingeborg Oven
00:52:38Where are they now?
00:52:41Ingeborg Oven
00:52:41Disappeared off of the green
00:52:43Looks like the evil DJ came through the Swiss border with forged papers about three weeks ago
00:52:48I suppose they could have
00:52:50Driven to Rome and kidnapped Derek's son
00:52:53Exactly
00:52:55Which means the person behind all of this is
00:52:58Who?
00:53:07Who?
00:53:08Who?
00:53:09Who?
00:53:10Who are we talking about?
00:53:13Only Batu is in there
00:53:26For ten years there has only been one name on the list of visitors that he will allow
00:53:31Thank you
00:53:35For what?
00:53:38For helping us
00:53:39When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete
00:53:46My room was covered in pictures of Derek Zulander
00:53:50The most amazing matter of life
00:53:55Except I'm not one anymore
00:54:00My son called me a has-been
00:54:06I'm a has-been
00:54:07What kind of has-been were you?
00:54:14I was a swimsuit model
00:54:16My heart's a sorry
00:54:18I was never able to transition to print
00:54:22Or run away
00:54:23To your world of high fashion
00:54:26Because of these
00:54:29These intrusive, oversized naturals
00:54:33These things could never fit into a sample size
00:54:39Gross
00:54:41You need to go for this now
00:54:49Not later
00:54:49Now
00:54:50Hansel, are you serious?
00:54:52Yes
00:54:52While Matilda's warm in her grave
00:54:54Matilda's been dead for years
00:54:56You need to move on
00:54:57Honestly, by now she's just a couple teeth
00:54:59Piece of spine
00:55:01Maybe a little skull fragment
00:55:02Like that guy from Tales from the Crypt
00:55:04The Crypt Keeper
00:55:06Hansel, stop it
00:55:07I'm not ready
00:55:09The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there
00:55:28Be careful
00:55:30Be careful, Derek
00:55:30I'll try to get inside your head
00:55:33Don't worry
00:55:34It's close for business
00:55:36Give him hell, Derek
00:55:45You're going down, you're going down
00:56:03Listen to me
00:56:04You better listen to the hell
00:56:05I can't touch this
00:56:07No, no
00:56:08Don't mind I can't touch you
00:56:10You've got to
00:56:10No
00:56:11Shut up
00:56:12Members only
00:56:15Members only
00:56:17Epalets are not a crime
00:56:19Smart casual
00:56:21Smart casual
00:56:23Listen to me
00:56:24You can't touch him
00:56:25Mr. Hammer is wrong
00:56:28Derek Zoolander
00:56:35Derek Zoolander
00:56:53I've been expecting you
00:56:58What have you done with my son?
00:57:07Hands
00:57:08Our most overrated appendage
00:57:11When not allowed the use of them
00:57:14You'd be surprised how quickly feet can be trained to do the exact same thing
00:57:18Your son is doing wonderfully
00:57:30From what the school tells my offshore accountant
00:57:34He's incredibly smart
00:57:36Your accountant?
00:57:38Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage?
00:57:41When he was taken away from you, someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day
00:57:45Eight?
00:57:46You bastard
00:57:47I'm sorry
00:57:53I'd love to keep talking about this, but
00:57:55I seem to have developed a nasty edge
00:57:57I'd ask you to scratch it for me, but
00:58:02No doubt you'd think I was
00:58:03Just trying to trick you
00:58:04Or
00:58:09You're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you
00:58:12In which case
00:58:13I should do the opposite of that
00:58:16And help you
00:58:17Or don't help me
00:58:20I think that's even a better option
00:58:22You're trying to switch it around on me
00:58:27But I won't take the bait
00:58:28Sorry, Mukatu
00:58:30I'm going with my first instinct
00:58:32And helping you
00:58:33I really wish you wouldn't
00:58:38Too late
00:58:39The die is cast
00:58:41I'd prefer that you didn't
00:58:43I'm gonna do it
00:58:44Please don't
00:58:45Let me go
00:58:54Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay?
00:58:59If I do, will you let me go?
00:59:02No
00:59:03Which means you will let me go
00:59:06So I'll do it
00:59:08Oh my gosh
00:59:09Okay
00:59:10Chick and mate, Mukatu
00:59:15Your move
00:59:17You really are an idiot, aren't you?
00:59:22Like super, super white-hot
00:59:25Blazingly stupid
00:59:27For ten long years
00:59:32I've been plotting my escape
00:59:34From this dreadful place
00:59:36For ten long years
00:59:37Ten years
00:59:40Spent creating some of the most realistic
00:59:42And lifelike masks
00:59:44Ever made
00:59:45Ever made
00:59:45One for you
00:59:48And one for me
00:59:52And one for me
00:59:53All so that today
00:59:57You can become
00:59:59Me
00:59:59And I can become
01:00:03You
01:00:06That's it?
01:00:14You'll never get away with this
01:00:15All the guards here are former male models
01:00:19Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem
01:00:22Guard
01:00:23Guard
01:00:23Would that be all, Mr. Zoolander?
01:00:27That will be all
01:00:28No
01:00:30No
01:00:31Come back here, Mukatu
01:00:34Mukatu
01:00:36I don't know.
01:01:06Go get Derek!
01:01:16What?
01:01:16Go get Derek!
01:01:18And tell my orgy I love him!
01:01:25Talk!
01:01:28Where's my goddamn latte?
01:01:36Oh, and I'm here!
01:01:57What's that?
01:02:03I missed you too.
01:02:04I missed you too.
01:02:34I missed you too.
01:03:04Oh, Xenia?
01:03:15Oh, no.
01:03:16Hey, it's hard and rough.
01:03:17What?
01:03:19Donatari.
01:03:20What you doing here, don't you, Nick?
01:03:23Mugatu?
01:03:23What?
01:03:24No way, dude.
01:03:25I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude.
01:03:28You're like some dangerous criminal who tried to assassinate a world leader, dude.
01:03:32That was like some crazy retro bond shit.
01:03:34So corny.
01:03:35I loved it, dude.
01:03:36Who are you?
01:03:37Who are you?
01:03:38Uh, hello?
01:03:40I know you've been all shashanked out, but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion
01:03:45whatever.
01:03:46Donatari, baby.
01:03:47What?
01:03:49So you know who I am, right?
01:03:52Derelict was the dumbest, dude.
01:03:53You and Spongebob are honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude.
01:03:56And did you just escape from prison in the most ingenious way possible?
01:04:02Uh, what?
01:04:04And did you engineer the abduction and fattening of the son of Zoolander and the delivery of
01:04:08the chosen one for ritual sacrifice as the key to the fountain of youth?
01:04:13Did you?
01:04:15No.
01:04:15Did you do that?
01:04:17No.
01:04:17No?
01:04:18No.
01:04:19No?
01:04:20No.
01:04:21Did you say no?
01:04:22I said, no.
01:04:24So, I just want to ask you again.
01:04:29Do you know who I am?
01:04:37Whatever, you're...
01:04:40I'm a Yakubu who?
01:04:43Yakubi Mugatu.
01:04:45That's right!
01:04:46I'm Yakubi Mugatu, fashion genius.
01:04:49And you, you are no one!
01:04:52Do you understand me?
01:04:54No one!
01:04:57I'm the Mamba Pajamba!
01:04:59I'm the Mamba Pajamba!
01:05:02Todd!
01:05:07You'll take my name into death!
01:05:10You should know.
01:05:11I actually care about everybody and everything very truly...
01:05:13That's right!
01:05:15I just killed a little hipster!
01:05:17Yeah!
01:05:18Prison changed me deeply!
01:05:21It affected me psychologically!
01:05:23I'm a psycho!
01:05:25This is just the beginning!
01:05:27Watch out!
01:05:28Fire beware!
01:05:29Now, where is that chubby little bloodbound?
01:05:36Hansel!
01:05:37Guys, Mugat just killed Atari!
01:05:39You're serious?
01:05:40Also, they're gonna kill your son tonight!
01:05:43What?
01:05:44Hang on.
01:05:45I'm gonna try to get more intel.
01:05:46What's going on?
01:05:56Why did you kidnap me?
01:05:58I didn't kidnap you.
01:05:59Don't be a silly billy.
01:06:01I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown.
01:06:04That's what I am.
01:06:05Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake.
01:06:09Look.
01:06:10Come here.
01:06:11There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.
01:06:17Abundanza!
01:06:18Spicy, hot, pasta puranesca.
01:06:21Which means horse pasta.
01:06:23As in a whore who made this pasta.
01:06:28Doesn't that look delicious?
01:06:30Next!
01:06:31An all-you-can-eat lard bar.
01:06:35Squirt, piggy!
01:06:36Squirt!
01:06:37Squirt it!
01:06:38Squirt!
01:06:39Squirt!
01:06:41Green!
01:06:41Green!
01:06:42Green!
01:06:43Hot!
01:06:43Green!
01:06:44Green!
01:06:45All the lard you want!
01:06:47Fill your little tummy full of lard!
01:06:50Handsome, where's he now?
01:06:51He's okay.
01:06:52It's actually kinda nice.
01:06:53Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks.
01:06:55He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff.
01:06:58Oh, and some pasta too.
01:06:59No!
01:07:00Oh, no, you're right.
01:07:01He's fattening up for the slaughter.
01:07:04You can drop this stupid act.
01:07:06I know who you are.
01:07:07You're Jacob Moogbird.
01:07:09And you're supposed to be in jail.
01:07:10Hey, Jacob Moogbird died the day I put Ebony and Ivory on skinny satin neckwear.
01:07:17You hear me?
01:07:18Okay, I gotta make my move.
01:07:19Later.
01:07:20You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.
01:07:23I went to prison.
01:07:24You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta.
01:07:27We roll in two!
01:07:28You okay in there, little fella?
01:07:40We should call the police boat.
01:07:41They'll never get here in time.
01:07:43Who says swimsuit models are useless?
01:07:46Wait, what are you doing?
01:07:47How long can you hold your breath?
01:07:51What?
01:07:52Take me from behind, Derek.
01:07:54And grab me like your life depends on it.
01:07:57Not like this.
01:07:59Like this!
01:08:00For safety.
01:08:01And buoyancy.
01:08:02Wait, what?
01:08:04We are swimming back to Rome.
01:08:05Oh, okay.
01:08:06Okay.
01:08:06I just talked to your dad, and we've got to get you out of here pronto.
01:08:15I never want to see him again.
01:08:17What are you talking about?
01:08:18Your dad's a great guy.
01:08:19He loves you like you're his own.
01:08:21I am his own.
01:08:22He's literally the worst father ever.
01:08:25Do you know what would break your mom's heart to hear you bugging out on your dad like this?
01:08:30You knew my mom?
01:08:31Oh, yeah.
01:08:33One of the most amazing women I ever met.
01:08:36Really?
01:08:37He didn't want to cross her in the sack.
01:08:39Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band.
01:08:44Wait, what?
01:08:45I remember there was one night.
01:08:47She had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots.
01:08:51I was driving the freight train.
01:08:52Your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose.
01:08:55She had a mouth like Chinese finger cuffs.
01:08:57You know where you try to pull out, but it just keeps getting tighter.
01:09:01Stop it!
01:09:02God!
01:09:03Look, I'm not going.
01:09:05Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood.
01:09:10What?
01:09:11Here he comes.
01:09:12Everything's going to be okay.
01:09:14It's okay.
01:09:15It's okay.
01:09:15I was exaggerating.
01:09:24It's D-Day, little dumpling.
01:09:26You're an amazing swimmer.
01:09:44What are we doing there?
01:09:47Don't talk with your mouth full.
01:09:48Don't talk with your mouth full.
01:09:56Don't talk with your mouth full.
01:10:26It's fucking wet.
01:10:32It's ruined.
01:10:33How are we going to reach Hansel?
01:10:34We need a phone.
01:10:35Wait a minute.
01:10:39Like this one?
01:10:49Eric.
01:10:49Hansel, where are you?
01:10:50I don't know.
01:10:51There's some kind of tunnel.
01:10:52I think we're underneath the Incrediball.
01:10:54Smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse.
01:10:56It's the Caracalla bus.
01:10:58I'll drop a pen or a needle or whatever, and you can track my coordinates.
01:11:00Cool.
01:11:01They'll never let us in looking like this.
01:11:08Herman!
01:11:08Hmm.
01:11:09Hunter!
01:11:09Hunter!
01:11:10Well done!
01:11:1015 years old, he says.
01:11:12We need your представля to the
01:11:33Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet?
01:12:03we have to get in there every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance
01:12:09I'm sure this one's no different come on
01:12:18this is definitely it if I feel around here long enough I should be able to find the
01:12:24Derek Hensel boy am I glad to see you guys Hensel my son is gonna die hating me hating you
01:12:44last time I saw him he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you really yes he said that yes
01:12:50I mean I'm kind of paraphrasing and you had to read between the lines but
01:12:53basically shut up can we talk about these later yeah come on let's go
01:12:57that's Alexander Wang and Vera Wang
01:13:27make-ups tell me you're thicker they are all here for the sacrifice
01:13:33in the beginning of time God created Adam and Eve and Steve
01:13:35in the beginning of time God created Adam and Eve and Steve
01:13:40Mugatu Mugatu Mugatu Mugatu Mugatu
01:13:52Adam and Eve.
01:13:55And Steve!
01:14:22Wait, we don't have backup yet.
01:14:28Jacobin Mughalto has delivered us the chosen way.
01:14:36And behold, God expunged Steve from the garden only to redeem us with eternal use.
01:14:43No.
01:14:44Bathed in the blood of the fat little chosen one.
01:14:47Derek!
01:14:48Derek, don't.
01:14:49No!
01:14:52I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr.
01:14:59I love you.
01:15:00Look, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you were by far the best one.
01:15:04I was a mistake?
01:15:05I think so.
01:15:06To tell you the truth, you're having so much sex I can't remember.
01:15:08Tell me about it, muchacho.
01:15:10Ugh.
01:15:11You're beautiful.
01:15:12You have the fire.
01:15:13You just need to believe it.
01:15:15The fire?
01:15:16The fire in your face.
01:15:18I lost it the day I killed your mom.
01:15:20Oh, look.
01:15:21It's a sad, scared little boy talking to his fat son about their feelings.
01:15:27You were responsible for all this.
01:15:30You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison.
01:15:32You made Donatori and Alexania hire me to set this trap.
01:15:35But enough is enough.
01:15:36Enough is enough.
01:15:38Eat my blade, Junior.
01:15:40Time to die, chubby checker.
01:15:46Magnum Buddy, now.
01:15:48I can do it.
01:15:49I can do it.
01:15:50I can do it.
01:15:51I can do it.
01:16:03Ow!
01:16:04Oh.
01:16:05Hey.
01:16:06Back to God work at all.
01:16:07Oh.
01:16:08It just doesn't hold up, does it?
01:16:10You slewed the whole thing out, Derek, but you failed to deslew the most important piece
01:16:14of the puzzle.
01:16:15I own the construction company that built the center for kids who can't read good.
01:16:21I personally made sure they cut corners.
01:16:24Literally.
01:16:25But that means that...
01:16:27That's right, Juju Bean.
01:16:28That's how I killed your mother.
01:16:31On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls.
01:16:35Dad, it wasn't you.
01:16:36It wasn't.
01:16:38Wait.
01:16:39You called me Dad.
01:16:41Oh, I guess I did.
01:16:43Now you don't have the ceremonial night, which means no fountain of youth.
01:16:48Come on, Derek.
01:16:49We need the blood.
01:16:51Stop being so emotional, Derek.
01:16:53Just give him the goddamn knife.
01:16:55Derek, we need the blood.
01:16:56Blood of Steve.
01:16:57Blood of Steve.
01:16:58Blood of Steve.
01:16:59Blood of Steve.
01:17:00Blood of Steve.
01:17:01Blood of Steve.
01:17:02Blood of Steve.
01:17:03Give him back the knife, Derek.
01:17:05Blood of Steve.
01:17:06Blood of Steve.
01:17:07Mugato.
01:17:08Vogliamo sangre.
01:17:09Blood of Steve.
01:17:10Shut up, Valentino.
01:17:11Blood of Steve.
01:17:12Blood of Steve.
01:17:13Just shut up, everyone.
01:17:14Shut up.
01:17:15There is no fountain of youth.
01:17:18What?
01:17:20I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve.
01:17:23Are you serious?
01:17:24You actually believe that crap?
01:17:26What?
01:17:27It's literally, it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
01:17:31I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on.
01:17:35Oh, please.
01:17:36Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at men's warehouse.
01:17:39Oh, look.
01:17:40It's the white witch from Narnia.
01:17:42Oh, no, I'm sorry.
01:17:44It's just Anna Winner.
01:17:45I'll knock your teeth out.
01:17:47I'll rip your goddamn tongue out.
01:17:49Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger, brought to you by white privilege.
01:17:53You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life.
01:17:56Asshole.
01:17:57I don't understand.
01:17:58You're saying the legend isn't true?
01:18:00Why are you doing all of this, then?
01:18:02Because, Mark, by Mark Jacobs, I knew that there'd only be one thing that would gather
01:18:08the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit.
01:18:13Todd, yours!
01:18:20Todd, silks!
01:18:21For years, you all left me to die in a stinking cell.
01:18:30Well, now, it's my turn.
01:18:36I was living a peaceful life of reclusion.
01:18:38Why drag me into this?
01:18:41Because my big issue is, I hate you, Derek Zoolander.
01:18:46And then why kill all those pop stars?
01:18:49Why kill Justin Bieber?
01:18:52Really?
01:18:53You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber?
01:18:59Todd! Pooch!
01:19:07It's a bomb!
01:19:08Not just any bomb.
01:19:10A device designed by Philippe Stark
01:19:13in collaboration with Al Qaeda for their new spring explosive collection.
01:19:18Todd! Floor!
01:19:22When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava,
01:19:25it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion.
01:19:29Leaving only me.
01:19:31You can't kill fashion!
01:19:32I'm afraid fashion already killed itself.
01:19:35You got through!
01:19:36I'm coming across!
01:19:40Derek!
01:19:41He is a temporal construct of the mind.
01:19:44Yes.
01:19:45It doesn't exist.
01:19:50It's hot!
01:19:51It's hot!
01:19:52It's hot!
01:19:59Jesus!
01:20:00Stop it, Hansel!
01:20:01Stop it!
01:20:03Derek!
01:20:04Toast me the knife!
01:20:05You got it!
01:20:06I'm going to die!
01:20:07Stop it!
01:20:09Sorry.
01:20:17This is stupid.
01:20:18What the hell is your problem?!
01:20:21You guys are the absolute worst.
01:20:24Put the bomb down, Mugatu.
01:20:26You're the bubble butted Playboy model trying to take me down.
01:20:30Swimsuit model. Sports Illustrated cover. Three years in a row.
01:20:33Come on, my sexy sister.
01:21:03Look, there's sexy fighting.
01:21:19Awesome.
01:21:23Tommy likey.
01:21:28Hey, idiots.
01:21:29Maybe this will get your attention.
01:21:31I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed.
01:21:33Huh?
01:21:38Do it now, Magnum.
01:21:40Do it.
01:21:41Fly, baby.
01:21:42Fly.
01:21:44Bust it out.
01:21:52Yes.
01:21:53I knew it.
01:21:54I knew it.
01:21:55Hansel, I need your help.
01:22:07Aaron, let me try.
01:22:10It's not working.
01:22:12Derek, it's not working.
01:22:13I can't hold it, Hansel.
01:22:15I don't have it.
01:22:16You've got your son.
01:22:17I've got nothing.
01:22:19Not anymore, Hansel.
01:22:22Who's your daddy now?
01:22:24I don't know who my daddy is.
01:22:26That's the whole point.
01:22:28Hansel.
01:22:28What?
01:22:31I am your father.
01:22:32Holy shit.
01:22:35Sting?
01:22:36Let's do this now.
01:22:39Synchronicity.
01:22:39Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's.
01:23:00I'm not fat!
01:23:04He's plus size.
01:23:07And I've got the fire.
01:23:14El Mino!
01:23:16It's real!
01:23:17He's so beautiful.
01:23:23Bellissimo.
01:23:29The prophecy was true!
01:23:32He is the chosen one!
01:23:41At all, he's still so hot right now.
01:23:47No way!
01:23:56It's a glitter bomb!
01:24:10Looks like you still have it.
01:24:11I guess I do.
01:24:13Well, we do.
01:24:14Your face!
01:24:20How bad is it?
01:24:22Welcome to my world, bro.
01:24:23Hansel!
01:24:24Hansel!
01:24:25Orgy!
01:24:26I had some!
01:24:27What are they doing here?
01:24:33I knew how much they meant to you, so I called them on the way over.
01:24:36You did that for me?
01:24:37You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.
01:24:45Why are you so beautiful?
01:24:48We've missed you so much.
01:24:49I've missed you too.
01:24:51And I'm ready to be a father to all our children.
01:24:56Minus one.
01:24:59What?
01:24:59I lost my baby.
01:25:02No.
01:25:03I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea.
01:25:07We're going to be a family, and that's all that matters.
01:25:17Wait.
01:25:19Are you sure?
01:25:20You're right.
01:25:22We shouldn't.
01:25:24Hey.
01:25:25It's okay, Dad.
01:25:26I don't think Mom would mind.
01:25:35Matilda.
01:25:37Go to her, Derek.
01:25:39You're cool with it?
01:25:40I'm totally cool with it.
01:25:42I'm dead.
01:25:44Literally nothing bothers me anymore.
01:25:47Oh, and guess what?
01:25:48We've got to live stream all of this to every fashion blog on the planet.
01:25:52Everybody loves you guys again.
01:25:55Did you hear that?
01:25:56We did it!
01:25:57We're back and famous and totally self-realized.
01:26:01Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
01:26:02If you're thinking...
01:26:04Lava pool party!
01:26:08No!
01:26:10No!
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