- 1 day ago
Two has been Vegas icons plot to scam the beauty pageant world by producing a fake beauty pageant on the Las Vegas strip. All hell breaks loose when the two are consumed by greed, fame and fortune.
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00:00:00Sattay Bazi ki isse behter jaga nahi hai khata re-charge karao
00:00:17Dao se paise pao, moke ka fayda uthau
00:00:21Aur khud ko ameer banao, bhavya jeevan pao
00:00:25One next bet per dao lagao
00:00:27Alisha ghar nahi liena chate kya
00:00:29Hoori dunia nahi guhna chate kya
00:00:31Sapani ho jate sek je basrat ho
00:00:33One next bet sports batting ne diya mujhe rashta
00:00:37Huwa meera rajan season ni ki se vasta
00:00:39Main kar sakta hoon to, tum bhi kar sakte ho
00:00:59Sampai jumpa
00:01:01Sampai jumpa
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00:02:01Sampai jumpa
00:02:03Sampai jumpa
00:02:05Sampai jumpa
00:02:07Sampai jumpa
00:02:09and crush dreams, I'm going to have to start it again and lug my way back.
00:02:16That's what she said.
00:02:26Two Vegas icons crumbled.
00:02:30Tonight, the grand re-reopening of the casino just off the Vegas trip.
00:02:35Police believe the celebrity-has-been duel of Jackie Fontaine and Kitchity-Katchity staged a fake beauty pageant to benefit the OTB Foundation.
00:02:49The duel's shady dealings were exposed during the night's events, causing the two to flee the scene.
00:02:56Their getaway car was found just a few hours outside of Vegas.
00:02:59Police believe there was a struggle inside the car, causing it to flip off the side of the road.
00:03:06Jackie Fontaine was found wandering the Mexican border, while Kitchity-Katchity still remains at large.
00:03:16Oh no, Becky, they're right here right now.
00:03:23It's something to do with the OTB people.
00:03:27They're here right now, a motion picture company is right in here right now.
00:03:31And they're taking my photograph right now as we speak.
00:03:34That's why I can't talk too long, sweetheart.
00:03:36No, it's something about all the girls that Jackie has assembled at one point, you know, with the big tushies and everything.
00:03:44I don't know, some kind of scandal or something.
00:03:47I know, I have to go, this might help.
00:03:49Maybe they're going to get him off.
00:03:52Oh, you're so funny.
00:03:55I don't think it's anything like that, though.
00:03:59I know, my dear boy.
00:04:01Okay, goodbye.
00:04:03Tau Tad, I said hello.
00:04:04Oh, you know, Becky is just full of herself.
00:04:09She's as excited as I am about everything.
00:04:12She can talk up a storm, you know.
00:04:15Anyways, let me get back to my sandwich here.
00:04:18Look at that, this beautiful sandwich that I made.
00:04:20Jackie used to love when I made sandwiches like this.
00:04:23You know, he used to have girls over all the time in his bedroom and stuff.
00:04:28And they would always be practicing.
00:04:33I would hear them practicing all night, you know, na, na, na, na, things like that.
00:04:39And I'd go, Jackie, your father's going to kill you if you mess up those sheets again.
00:04:44And then I would realize his father's not coming home ever again.
00:04:48He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
00:04:51Anyways, I may get myself a drink here.
00:04:55Fuck.
00:05:25Oh, yes.
00:05:31Let's go watch Pat Sajak, shall we?
00:05:39Jersey born.
00:05:41I knew I was destined for fame and fortune.
00:05:44When at the age of seven, I won a local telling contest.
00:05:48I dropped the mic and started shouting Zing Pow Wow.
00:05:52And a star was born, babies.
00:05:54Oh, yes.
00:05:55Ah, those friggin' birds.
00:05:57Oh, right.
00:05:58We need the birds or we're not a legit documentary.
00:06:03Let me show you what he looked like when he was on that show.
00:06:07Here he was, little Jackie.
00:06:10Oh, no, no.
00:06:11He used to poop himself a lot.
00:06:14Jackie did.
00:06:15I think it was God's way of saying,
00:06:18you need to pay attention to your little son.
00:06:21And I would rub his little tush.
00:06:23Did you want any sandwich?
00:06:29And then, here's Jackie sent me this from Las Vegas.
00:06:33He's a lovely boy.
00:06:35He always enjoyed sending me things from afar, away.
00:06:39And then, I'm so proud of this.
00:06:43He got me an award.
00:06:45I don't know what it's for, because the placard came off of it.
00:06:48But he said, Ma.
00:06:49He used to call me Ma.
00:06:51You're a star in my book.
00:06:52And I used to cry a lot about things like that.
00:06:56This was the 70s.
00:06:58Jackie was hot.
00:07:00Buster Guy was the hot show.
00:07:03Jackie was doing live shows five nights a week.
00:07:06I don't know where he found the energy, but, boy, he had it.
00:07:10And there was this, uh, this other kid, this new kid, who had his own act.
00:07:17Uh, it was really taking off.
00:07:19It was like this Yakov Smirnoff thing.
00:07:21Like, he was talking about how his country was different from our country.
00:07:25Total ripoff.
00:07:25But, uh, it was the 80s, so nobody cared.
00:07:29I brought the kid into the lights.
00:07:32And I was the only one who saw more than just a little purple-colored rat squeaky toy.
00:07:38He met that clackety-cookety.
00:07:41Whatever his name was.
00:07:43That little furry thing.
00:07:44I don't, to this day, understand.
00:07:46Ah, here's his secret.
00:07:48Kitcheny-catchety ain't got no papers.
00:07:50He got in the U.S. of A. by being a mule for his cousin, Kuday.
00:07:54Word is, Kitcheny owes Kuday a buttload of cash.
00:07:58No pun intended.
00:08:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:08:00You know, they met at my table.
00:08:03When they first come here, they didn't know so.
00:08:06Mostly, they'd just sit around trying to cheat each other.
00:08:09Hey, the gang's all here.
00:08:12I don't believe it.
00:08:13You two old cronies are still alive.
00:08:15Oh, man.
00:08:17You know, they just did get along all the time.
00:08:19Drugs and booze and women.
00:08:21Women, yeah.
00:08:21That's what was the problem.
00:08:22The women, the booze, the drugs.
00:08:24And then they'd fight over the women.
00:08:25Then they'd fight, yeah, right.
00:08:26But I think they loved each other.
00:08:29Kitcheny-catchety became the fan-favorite breakout star for the TV show Buster Guy.
00:08:34After a pay dispute at the end of the first year as a series regular, he moved out to L.A. and we took him on.
00:08:42He went commercial, man.
00:08:44He really went Uncle Tom on his mind.
00:08:46He left us.
00:08:50We knew he didn't have the right temperament for a kid's show, but we had the opportunity to replace Ranger Robb on his TV show, and we jumped on it.
00:09:03And he made it work.
00:09:06The statistics don't lie.
00:09:07Kids love purple.
00:09:10He was miserable artistically, spending money as fast as he was making it.
00:09:17And word of the drinking and the life he was living was being put out for the public.
00:09:25So, mid-season, we replaced him with the YouTuber Poopy.
00:09:32He said he was never going to share the spotlight again.
00:09:36I should have seen it coming.
00:09:42His drooling like Pavlov's dogs at any mention of a gig.
00:09:46His outrageous temper tantrums when the Hennessy ran out.
00:09:51Hitchity-catchity had an agenda that put old Beezlebub himself to shame.
00:09:55Yeah, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.
00:09:59I had created a monster.
00:10:03Oh, yes!
00:10:05He was so done doing anything with kids.
00:10:13He hated kids.
00:10:16They made him sick.
00:10:18So he flew off to Vegas and went to find Jackie for help.
00:10:25That's when he wrote Bible School Sluts from Outer Space.
00:10:32He wanted to show off his acting chops.
00:10:36He wanted to reinvent himself.
00:10:38And he needed to do something big.
00:10:40Something...like...like Ten Commandments big.
00:10:50Heavenly Star Command?
00:10:52Do you copy?
00:10:56Oh no! Kitchipoo!
00:11:02You there, girl! Get me off!
00:11:06No one would touch him.
00:11:08No one.
00:11:10He was broke when that flopped.
00:11:14He said he wanted to go to Vegas and relive the glory days.
00:11:20He said he had to go hook up with Jackie again.
00:11:24He left me with nothing.
00:11:28Nothing!
00:11:30But me with this.
00:11:32Dear Sweetness.
00:11:34As you well know, I've messed up.
00:11:36Unfortunately, the only solution is to leave L.A. forever.
00:11:40I'm behind six months on the utilities.
00:11:42I owe the bank 50k and I also owe Rizzo a thousand and Kermit 500.
00:11:48I think.
00:11:50As you well know, I didn't spend it on other women,
00:11:52but on the horse races.
00:11:54Please, kiss the Corvette for me.
00:11:56I'm behind on the car payments too.
00:11:58I also owe 800 to Elmo.
00:12:00Careful!
00:12:02Sincerely, your Kitchy Pie.
00:12:04Hey, hey, hey now.
00:12:06You questioning the validity of OTB?
00:12:10You having the audacity to make judgment of the existence of the very affliction
00:12:16that has crippled so many of my friends and colleagues.
00:12:20Unbelievable.
00:12:21You're just like all the other lame brains.
00:12:24I bet you'd even go as far as to accuse me and Kitchity Catchity of making this OTB horror up.
00:12:32Well, I'll have you know that OTB is as real as it comes.
00:12:37Causing broken kneecaps, lost wages, divorce, and even degenerative degenerate syndrome.
00:12:44Like that what has attacked my buddy Kitchity Catchity.
00:12:48Yes.
00:12:49He, my friends, is on the top of the spectrum of affliction diseases.
00:12:54Yeah.
00:12:55You go Google that.
00:13:01Oh, yeah.
00:13:02I love you.
00:13:04Oh, hey.
00:13:05Welcome to the Up All Night Show with me, your host, with the most...
00:13:11Jackie Fontaine.
00:13:13That's right.
00:13:14I put the zing pow wow back in your dusty old box.
00:13:17Oh, I love that so much.
00:13:19Entertainment is in our blood.
00:13:20Yes, it is.
00:13:29Oh, yeah.
00:13:30Come on out, baby dog.
00:13:32Yeah.
00:13:33Where's Kitchity Catchity at, huh?
00:13:42It's Kitchity Catchity time.
00:13:44You see, some time after I lost my show and started running out of money, I wasn't feeling so well.
00:13:54I went to my doctor and that's when he said, unfortunately, you've come down with OTB.
00:14:02Oh, God, no.
00:14:03Not the OTB.
00:14:04I can't believe it.
00:14:05Is there anything that Jackie could do for you, huh?
00:14:07Yes, there is, Jackie.
00:14:08You see, medical research has come a long way.
00:14:09Yes.
00:14:10But they need funding.
00:14:11So I thought to myself, what can I do to bring awareness to OTBs?
00:14:18And I said to myself, you do what you do best, old boy.
00:14:19Exploiting hot young for personal gain.
00:14:21A beauty pageant to bring awareness to OTBs.
00:14:25Oh, yes.
00:14:26A beauty pageant to bring awareness to OTBs.
00:14:28And I said to myself, you do what you do best, old boy.
00:14:33Exploiting hot young for personal gain.
00:14:36Oh, yes.
00:14:37A beauty pageant to bring awareness to OTBs.
00:14:41That is a great idea.
00:14:45Truly inspirational idea you got there.
00:14:48With beauties like Baby, why they would just blow the ignorant minds.
00:14:54Yes.
00:14:55Oh, it's great.
00:14:56Yes.
00:14:57Yes.
00:14:58But I can't do this alone.
00:15:00Jackie Fontaine, I need your help.
00:15:03To lead people to water so that they may drink from the cup of knowledge.
00:15:09Only you with your clear blue eyes with a roguish snap.
00:15:13Yes.
00:15:14Providing us many years of quality entertainment.
00:15:17As well as providing DNA for half the cast of the Jersey Shore.
00:15:20Hey, hey, hey.
00:15:21Will you help bring awareness to my cause?
00:15:23Yes.
00:15:24Help me bring awareness to OTBs.
00:15:28Yes, I will.
00:15:29Calls were made and ads placed and favors were redeemed.
00:15:34We reserved time on my super access cable television show.
00:15:38Which was full of chutzpah.
00:15:40Oh, the magic was in motion, babies.
00:15:44And then somehow, all this beauty pen.
00:15:47And all in the name of the OTB.
00:15:50Thank you for calling Jackie Fontaine's Cavalcade of Celebrities and Super Spotlight.
00:15:58Salute to the Troops and Variety Showcase of the Star-Palathon.
00:16:02Made of Celebrities.
00:16:04Super Spotlight.
00:16:05Salute.
00:16:06I'm a mom.
00:16:09I'm a nurse practitioner.
00:16:10A professional poker player.
00:16:12I'm a librarian.
00:16:14President of my local bingo club.
00:16:16I'm someone's brother.
00:16:17I'm a detective.
00:16:18I'm a granddaughter.
00:16:20And I'm also an American.
00:16:22Proud American.
00:16:24I'm an American.
00:16:25American.
00:16:26American.
00:16:27American.
00:16:28And I suffer from OTB.
00:16:29I suffer from OTB.
00:16:31And I suffer from OTB.
00:16:32It's really f***ed.
00:16:34A lot.
00:16:35Yes, Grandpa.
00:16:36Yes, yes, yes.
00:16:37I will tell them.
00:16:38And I have bookies to pay.
00:16:40Please stand united.
00:16:42Let's stand united.
00:16:44Let's all stand together.
00:16:46Let's all join together and support the Miss OTB pageant.
00:16:51For his sake.
00:16:53Hi folks, Jackie Fontaine here.
00:16:55And did you know that 60% of the 20% of the people you just saw are dealing with the awful affliction of OTB in their lives?
00:17:04But did you also know that stars and celebrities and rich people and more important people are dealing with OTB too?
00:17:12Like my good friend here, Kitchity Katchity.
00:17:15Please, won't you see it from the bottom of your heart to help support the OTB Foundation?
00:17:22You can come out and support the Miss OTB beauty pageant with beautiful women.
00:17:28So please, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for America.
00:17:33Do it for the man above.
00:17:35But please, do it.
00:17:37So here's a hot bell, zing pow wow to you.
00:17:40And thanks for your support.
00:17:42Have we got your support sweetheart?
00:17:44Yeah, I am baby.
00:17:46See?
00:17:47Thanks folks.
00:17:48Right off the bat, the word on the street is that the pageant was rigged.
00:17:55Really, I can't say that I don't blame people for saying that.
00:17:58After all, it was being held for free at our old stomping grounds, a casino.
00:18:03Yes, we hosted the Miss OTB pageant and we couldn't be happier about it.
00:18:08Jackie and Kitchity were like prodigal sons of family returned to home.
00:18:15Now, of course, nothing is for free in this world, even if it is the casino stage, a stage that we had to share the rental of between the local junior high production of our town and the Vegas ladies quilting awards banquet.
00:18:30But also, it didn't hurt that the casino was owned and built by an ex-small-time bookie from the rough side of the tracks of Milwaukee, Butch, the bookie of Bob, an old friend of ours, who it was rumored had passed away recently from OTB.
00:18:49Now, his son, Butch the bookie took over.
00:18:52And, of course, the bookie junior, Butch, didn't seem to fall too far from the craps tree, if you know what I mean.
00:19:01I'm Butch Snyder Junior, and I run this magical place, the casino, in downtown Las Vegas.
00:19:10You know, all casinos have lobbies, but at the casino, have we got a lobby.
00:19:19You know, all casinos and all hotels have rooms, but at the casino, have we got rooms.
00:19:31And, of course, all casinos have restaurants, but at the casino, have we got a restaurant.
00:19:44Yes, there's no casino in the world, like the casino, in downtown Las Vegas.
00:19:52I was Jackie's personal assistant for about 20-plus wonderful years.
00:19:56He liked to refer to me as the gopher woman.
00:19:58Go for this, go for that, he would say.
00:20:00Oh, he was just like one of those baby headless monkeys you want to roll around on the floor with.
00:20:06And only him, I might add.
00:20:08I used to clean his home and did his laundry.
00:20:12Hand-washed.
00:20:14No, Jackie never paid me, in fact, he owed me money.
00:20:18Hey, guys, thanks for coming down here and waiting for us.
00:20:26Our little deer here, she's not much of a day person.
00:20:30Sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I am.
00:20:34Oh, yeah, I had to be there.
00:20:38Yeah, but this pageant, it's been really good for us, except for the fact that it's being hosted at the casino.
00:20:46But, I mean, our girl here, she's got a schedule to keep now, and goals to strive and aim for, and she's meeting a lot of new people.
00:20:56So, I think it's been really good for her.
00:21:26I just love my life as a dancer.
00:21:32I've met some really interesting people, and I've learned a whole lot about myself.
00:21:37Yep.
00:21:38I just love it when I learn important stuff, all by accident.
00:21:44I never thought I'd be in a pageant, so I thought it'd be a good idea to use it as a platform to promote my charity idea I came up with.
00:21:52We are a family with standards, you see.
00:21:56And, um, as a charity...
00:21:59Mom, give that to me.
00:22:00You just gotta show it.
00:22:02You just wanna...
00:22:03As a charity-minded, charity-minded people...
00:22:08I just wanna, I just wanna help people who are in difficult times.
00:22:12So, the resource I came up with for my charity is PETA and like...
00:22:16Charity.
00:22:17Our family has an obligation, and if that involves a noble charity, well then I say, so be it.
00:22:24You see, you know, I had actually never even heard of this Jackie Fountain before, or this, uh, itchy fellow.
00:22:32Um, his name is Kit Kat.
00:22:34And, uh, but I wouldn't know because I wasn't allowed to watch anything on TV where you didn't...
00:22:39Again, we're a charity-minded people.
00:22:41And we are often blinded by good intentions.
00:22:46Oh. Bullshit.
00:22:48What?
00:22:49Yeah, right!
00:22:50Because you said college is for fools and IT schools are scams, all the commercials at late at night.
00:22:56No, no, no, we will have no talk of trade schools on film.
00:23:03Young lady.
00:23:05So, tell everyone then, why is it such a crime to work with your hands?
00:23:13Out of the mouths of babes.
00:23:15I blame this on her father.
00:23:17Ugh.
00:23:18It's that Castilian blood of yours.
00:23:20Makes her say the darndest things.
00:23:22You say the darndest things.
00:23:23You do.
00:23:24You do.
00:23:25You just, you just...
00:23:26No.
00:23:27Ew!
00:23:28Don't make out with me on TV!
00:23:29Don't make out.
00:23:30Stop it!
00:23:31Oh, Brittany!
00:23:32So, I know you didn't get to see it that well earlier, but it says, ask me about OTV.
00:23:41And I have the guys on here.
00:23:43And then, um, I researched, like, what areas of the world are guys going to have a lot.
00:23:47That is lovely, dear.
00:23:48Like I said, charity-minded.
00:23:54Now, come this way.
00:23:57These are my prized possessions.
00:24:00Besides Brittany, of course.
00:24:02You all right, honey?
00:24:03Okay.
00:24:04Here is my Miss Lovely Eyes.
00:24:08And here, I won for Bowling Night Queen.
00:24:11Gonna score tonight.
00:24:13Ooh!
00:24:14And over here is...
00:24:16We don't talk about that one.
00:24:17And this is Healthy Living Queen.
00:24:19Still working on that.
00:24:22And here is my piece de resistance.
00:24:26Miss Nevada Supreme.
00:24:301980.
00:24:31Oh, oh, oh!
00:24:33And look here!
00:24:34Here I am on my wedding day!
00:24:39As you may know, Mr. Teran is no longer with us.
00:24:44Oh, look.
00:24:45We were so in love.
00:24:47Our love was almost...
00:24:49Almost too much.
00:24:51The highs were so high.
00:24:54It was...
00:24:55Intense.
00:24:57It was almost abnormal.
00:25:00Yes, it was...
00:25:01It was so intense that I...
00:25:06I had him deported.
00:25:07I can't say that it was easy being a single mother alone raising a young daughter.
00:25:14But rest assured, friends, my little girl will grow up to know the most important thing in this life is being a beautiful woman.
00:25:24You all look so pretty!
00:25:25It's a little intimidating.
00:25:26What are you?
00:25:27Some kind of lesbian bad lady?
00:25:28Oh, oh no.
00:25:29I get mistaken that for a lot.
00:25:30That a lot.
00:25:31Uh, I...
00:25:32This is for charity.
00:25:33Yeah.
00:25:34Charity is what got you in the dark.
00:25:35What a snap!
00:25:46What a snap!
00:25:55Shhh!
00:25:56Thank you all for coming and trying out for the first ever pageant to benefit OTB.
00:26:05I'm Toby and I'll be your coach for the run of this magical experience that will change
00:26:11your life forever.
00:26:13Now please let me introduce you to our co-founder and local Las Vegas icon, Mr. Jackie Fountain.
00:26:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, I see how well, oh ladies and gentlemen, it's going from Jersey
00:26:29and boy am I, you know, what's hurting, hey, welcome ladies to the first annual OTB beauty
00:26:35pageant cavalcade a celebrity super spotlight salute to the truth and you, you right now
00:26:40are meeting the host with the most or maybe you ladies are going to be the most with the
00:26:45moist.
00:26:46I kid, I kid, yeah, you know, but anyways, you're all going to make history tonight.
00:26:53Maybe a hysterectomy.
00:26:54See, that's a joke.
00:26:55Send that right in there to you.
00:26:59Oh.
00:27:00Oh.
00:27:01Oh.
00:27:02Oh.
00:27:03Oh.
00:27:04Oh.
00:27:05Oh.
00:27:06Oh.
00:27:07Oh.
00:27:08Oh.
00:27:09Really?
00:27:10Oh, jeez.
00:27:11Oh.
00:27:12Okay, whatever.
00:27:16And where do you think you're going?
00:27:23This is Miss Kelly, personal trainer.
00:27:25I see why you call me here, we have a lot of work ahead of us.
00:27:32What?
00:27:34Mom, I don't have time. I'm going to work.
00:27:36There will be no work in this house, young lady!
00:27:40Come on, you...
00:27:42And what is this?
00:27:45That's my ukulele.
00:27:48I've been...
00:27:50You thought you were going to play this in the talent portion, didn't you?
00:27:54Well...
00:27:55Didn't you?
00:27:57Yes?
00:27:59Let me guess, this is one of those, it's so lame that it's hip things, right?
00:28:05Do you guys not get it? You don't get the irony?
00:28:07Typical hipsters. Big and diet with no definition.
00:28:11I'm so sad.
00:28:13What?
00:28:15Oh, Mom, please!
00:28:17Mom, no!
00:28:19No!
00:28:20Let's get one thing straight.
00:28:22Miss Kelly has agreed to work with you on the side
00:28:25and help mold you into the image of a perfect pageant goddess!
00:28:29And there is no room for ironic hipster garbage!
00:28:33Mom, what are we going to do by the talent?
00:28:35What are we going to do now?
00:28:37What all sexy and sophisticated young women do?
00:28:41Modern dance.
00:28:43Lum film TIié
00:29:03Which部分 directions.
00:29:07Ready?
00:29:09No, no, no.
00:29:11Please, excuse me, just a minute, please, please.
00:29:27There's something really special about that girl right there.
00:29:36There's something really special about that girl right there.
00:30:06Oh, excuse me.
00:30:16I'm so sorry, what happened to me, just a little hug, something to carry with me when I cry.
00:30:34Oh, yeah, you're pushing the buttons there, sissy.
00:30:38Oh, am I?
00:30:39You are a big button pusher.
00:30:41I don't know, big.
00:30:43No, yeah, no, no, no, you don't know.
00:30:45Yeah, I was seeing Kitchity on the side.
00:30:51What of it?
00:30:54And let me tell you, that little purple guy, he knows how to please a little man.
00:31:00That little purple fur, he knows how to hit all the red spots.
00:31:04That's something that Jackie could never do.
00:31:08Ah, brother, how could I let my animal magnetism take over like that?
00:31:15How was I to know that my lovemaking would start the shit storm of the century?
00:31:20Little did I know that this was the start of my own undoing.
00:31:24This was all that purple little swifter needed in order to put his plan into action.
00:31:30He knew I would have her bums up, and he knew I would be too busy wheeling and dealing.
00:31:37He knew my must, man breeze available at all drugstores for $29.99, would fill the air with
00:31:44animalistical urges and innuendos.
00:31:47I had her sexy long legs with those black new war stilettos from Kmart shaking in the
00:31:54nether regions.
00:31:55Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know that if you play with your shit, you end up with a sandbox
00:32:01for the plates.
00:32:02Oh, baby, Jesus.
00:32:04Oh, well, why didn't I exercise a little self-control?
00:32:08Why couldn't I see that sissy, that amazing dreamboat of a woman, was after more than just
00:32:15Jackie's manhood?
00:32:17Psst, camera boy, come here.
00:32:19Come in here.
00:32:25Call it a mother's intuition, but there is something not quite right here, and I am going
00:32:32to find out what it is.
00:32:35Hike down over there, we're having a meeting.
00:32:37Cell phone backstage.
00:32:38Blowing up my stage, okay.
00:32:41Brittany, honey, you just look so fabulous.
00:32:44I'm so nervous, I can't throw up.
00:32:48That just means you're ready for office.
00:32:50But I tell you what, if you need to do that, go find the trash can.
00:32:53Okay, sugar?
00:32:53All right.
00:32:57Okay, girls.
00:32:58It's about go-to time.
00:32:59Now remember, this is for charity.
00:33:01So suck him in and stick him out.
00:33:04Hey, Chief!
00:33:04Oh, my son.
00:33:05Bring him that purple little right out.
00:33:07Get my hand out.
00:33:07Who died and made you grand poobah?
00:33:09Oh, well, speaking of poobah, how about this, Queenie?
00:33:11I had to discover you and Kitchity in the smut magazines, huh?
00:33:14Well, they're okay.
00:33:14Have a good time.
00:33:15Oh, when I get my hand...
00:33:16Oh, I bet you're nesting in there.
00:33:21You come out right now.
00:33:22Oh!
00:33:25You lost your mind.
00:33:26Oh, my life.
00:33:26You lost your...
00:33:27Oh, damn it.
00:33:28Look at that perfect little hideout right there, huh?
00:33:31You come out right now and face me.
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:34Oh!
00:33:36Oh!
00:33:37Oh, God.
00:33:39Oh!
00:33:40Oh!
00:33:41Ah!
00:33:42Ah!
00:33:44Where are you?
00:33:45You're going to pay for this.
00:33:48Oh, yeah, you fucking giddy.
00:33:52You are going to get up out of that chair like a man
00:33:56and face me like a man,
00:33:57you little purple rag wearing the gypsy cab driving son of a bitch.
00:34:02You old piece of coal.
00:34:03Your white sheets are showing.
00:34:04What are you doing with my Elaine, huh?
00:34:06Oh, time out.
00:34:07Oh, you stay out of this.
00:34:08Hey, at least someone around here can still taste the pipe.
00:34:10Oh, you little pecker.
00:34:11You look like the grimace of stock ring.
00:34:13You dress like a hate crime.
00:34:14You were nothing but backup talent.
00:34:15Oh, yeah.
00:34:15Well, no matter how much you paint that lighting guy,
00:34:18that wig always looks fake.
00:34:19Oh, really?
00:34:19Well, I'll tell you.
00:34:21Well, you're a tough guy, huh?
00:34:22What do you think about this, huh?
00:34:23Stop it.
00:34:23Yeah.
00:34:24Yeah, you like that.
00:34:25You don't like that.
00:34:25I'm going to keep pushing there, huh?
00:34:27I'm a man with a man.
00:34:27What do you think about that?
00:34:29Does a real man steal another man's wife?
00:34:31Jackie, you get out of here.
00:34:33I swear, if you screw up this gig for me tonight,
00:34:36I will wire brush your saggy old man balls
00:34:38until you crap your defense.
00:34:40Do you get me, Fontaine?
00:34:42Oh, you don't talk to me that way.
00:34:44Ex-wife or no ex-wife.
00:34:46You're a has-been, Fontaine.
00:34:48Now and forevermore.
00:34:50I'm just getting started.
00:34:51You understand?
00:34:52You little purple piece of crap, huh?
00:35:12So, I'm really nervous.
00:35:17What about you?
00:35:18I don't get nervous.
00:35:20I'm a dancer.
00:35:22Really?
00:35:22You don't get nervous?
00:35:24Look, this is my me time before the show.
00:35:27If you're looking to make friends,
00:35:29why don't you take your little lesbian dyke bag
00:35:32and your hairy little legs
00:35:33and go down the street and try the local dyke bar.
00:35:35I'll even give you a topic.
00:35:38Power tools.
00:35:41No, I don't know what your problem is with me,
00:35:44but I've been really nice to you and everyone here.
00:35:47I mean, we're here for charity.
00:35:50Reality check, honey.
00:35:51I don't do charity.
00:35:53Butch the bookie junior owns the casino
00:35:56and he made a deal with Jackie and KK
00:35:59and all of Vegas for this pageant.
00:36:01So, you see, I can't lose.
00:36:04So, you see, this pageant isn't really about charity losers.
00:36:09It's about winners and that would be me.
00:36:14You think I can't do this?
00:36:17Think again because I can
00:36:19and I'm going to show you.
00:36:20I'll show all of you.
00:36:23Then you might want to shave your upper lip, toots.
00:36:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:36:32You all think I can't do this?
00:36:34Well, I can.
00:36:36I'm going to show you all!
00:36:42Hey, what's wrong?
00:36:52Look what they did to you.
00:36:56This is it!
00:37:06Hello, Jackie.
00:37:10I was just looking for something.
00:37:12Oh, really?
00:37:13Yes.
00:37:14What'd you lose?
00:37:16I was looking for a condom.
00:37:23Really?
00:37:25I thought maybe we could
00:37:26find a use for it.
00:37:31Call me Mrs. Robinson.
00:37:34Oh, Mrs. Robinson.
00:37:37Co-co-co-choo.
00:37:40Operating's getting done.
00:37:41I bet you do.
00:37:43Let me tell you something, baby.
00:37:45You're going to take a Jackie ride.
00:37:48Oh.
00:37:48Here we go.
00:37:49It's an e-ticket.
00:37:50Yeah.
00:37:51Oh.
00:37:51All the way.
00:37:52All right, Jackie.
00:37:53All right, Jackie.
00:37:54Oh.
00:37:55But first.
00:37:56Yes.
00:37:57But first,
00:37:58let me prepare the moon for you.
00:38:00Okay.
00:38:02Come on.
00:38:03Here, touch me.
00:38:04There you go.
00:38:05Yeah.
00:38:05Yeah.
00:38:06Oh, yeah.
00:38:07Okay.
00:38:08Let me prepare something, okay?
00:38:10Yes, Jackie.
00:38:11Prepare.
00:38:11Come with me.
00:38:12Come with me, okay?
00:38:14I know you've been waiting for this.
00:38:15You know you wanted this.
00:38:17Let me put some music on first.
00:38:19Take power.
00:38:20Take power.
00:38:20Take power.
00:38:21There.
00:38:22There.
00:38:23There.
00:38:23No, no, no.
00:38:25It's almost there.
00:38:26Hold on a second.
00:38:26Take power.
00:38:27Take power.
00:38:28Jackie.
00:38:28Take power.
00:38:29Take power.
00:38:33Take power.
00:38:34Take power.
00:38:34You got it.
00:38:35Oh, sissy.
00:38:37Sissily, sissy.
00:38:38Sissy.
00:38:39Come on.
00:38:41Oh, my fields, Jackie.
00:38:46What the?
00:38:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:50Joey.
00:38:51Jackie.
00:38:54Jackie.
00:38:55Jackie.
00:38:56Mom.
00:38:57That might be the wrong.
00:38:57Oh, my.
00:38:58Oh my God!
00:39:00No! What? What did you say?
00:39:02Oh my God! That wasn't me!
00:39:04What? No! No!
00:39:06Brittany! Brittany, this is not what it looks like.
00:39:08No, not at all. I was not...
00:39:10I was teaching that snatch lesson.
00:39:14I was... What?
00:39:16Shut up, you little man!
00:39:18No, you know what I'm telling you.
00:39:20I think I'm gonna be sick.
00:39:22I know, this is three hours.
00:39:26You won the one-ex-patch.
00:39:28You won the one-ex-patch.
00:39:30I'll give you a new one-ex-patch.
00:39:32It's the end.
00:39:34Tell me this.
00:39:36I'm here.
00:39:38Where is our old son?
00:39:40Look at this.
00:39:42It's not the last one.
00:39:44Give me money for the next day.
00:39:46I'll give you money.
00:39:48I'll start the game.
00:39:50It's bad!
00:39:52Don't get the name of a fool's hole.
00:39:54Oh, not in here.
00:39:56That's a brand new carpet I got.
00:39:58No, no, no, no.
00:40:00That's true.
00:40:02Now look.
00:40:03Okay, you know.
00:40:04That's it.
00:40:05No more dance moves.
00:40:06Mom, you're sick in the head!
00:40:08No, I did it all for you!
00:40:10Mom, the 60s are over!
00:40:11No, I did it all for you!
00:40:13Brittany!
00:40:14I'm all for you!
00:40:20Brittany, are you okay?
00:40:25I've been better, though!
00:40:27Huh?
00:40:29That was sarcasm.
00:40:31Oh.
00:40:32Well, hey, I got somebody here that wants to talk to you.
00:40:37Oh, I bet they do.
00:40:39Oh.
00:40:40That was sarcasm.
00:40:42Oh.
00:40:43Right.
00:40:44I'm learning.
00:40:45Okay.
00:40:46So, someone wants to thank you for all your hard work.
00:40:50What?
00:40:51Who wants what?
00:40:53Go on, Ruby.
00:40:54Tell her what you told me.
00:40:56Well, the other day I was over at Jackie's house doing yard work as he has me do when I got a touch of the heat stroke and fell into the pool.
00:41:04But luckily, I had one of your bags, which I use as a flotation device.
00:41:09Oh, I screamed for hours and hours, but no one could hear me.
00:41:13I think Jackie had the television on too long.
00:41:16If it wasn't for the Roman noodles and the water purifier kid, I would have surely drowned.
00:41:20Oh, are you okay?
00:41:22Hope you're okay.
00:41:23I think so.
00:41:25After I got a bit of strength back, I kicked my legs like one of the Rockettes and made it out.
00:41:31You saved my life.
00:41:33You and your wonderful bags.
00:41:35Oh my gosh.
00:41:36Oh my gosh.
00:41:39Wow.
00:41:40Well, I'll leave you two kids alone now.
00:41:43Time for me to go take a delicious bowel movement.
00:41:46Good luck, Ruby.
00:41:48Oh my gosh.
00:41:50Thanks for reminding me why I got into this pageant in the first place.
00:41:55Well, that's not all.
00:42:04Oh, I mean, thanks for this and for bringing me home.
00:42:10Well, I thought someone might have forgotten about their most beautiful feature.
00:42:16Uh, oh my god.
00:42:17They're boobs?
00:42:18No, they're heart.
00:42:19Oh.
00:42:20You play?
00:42:21Oh, yeah.
00:42:22I mean, I play a little.
00:42:23Mostly I play guitar.
00:42:24But you work for that kitschy OTB creep.
00:42:35I don't, you don't look like L.A. trash.
00:42:37What's your deal?
00:42:38Well, first of all, thank you for the compliment.
00:42:42And, uh, second, that's a good question.
00:42:46I mean, I was an intern on his show when he had a show.
00:42:50And you could say I work for him, but mostly I'm an actor.
00:42:55That takes a lot of guts to, like, move out to L.A.
00:42:57And there's nothing more gratifying than filling the world's hearts with joy.
00:43:01I know I'm not a big star or anything, and I probably never will be one, but I got into this game to fill those hearts with joy.
00:43:10And if I have to prop up a glutton and a drunk to do it, then so be it.
00:43:15I mean, I'm sure one day your dream will come true.
00:43:18And when it does, people will fall in love with the real thing.
00:43:22Oh.
00:43:31Well, I wonder if it's over, then I'll be on my way.
00:43:37But I'll come around swinging, when the fire is all burned down.
00:43:45It's hard to believe in love, so never let your guard down.
00:43:52Cause I'll come back swinging.
00:43:55You walk, you talk, like you've been around, way down
00:43:59Oh, I can feel it
00:44:02You scream, you shout, you let it out
00:44:06Make me a believer
00:44:08How many lies do we have to hide
00:44:13When two walls don't make it wide
00:44:16How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:20Till I get to do
00:44:23How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:27Till I get to do
00:44:31How many lies do we have to hide
00:44:35When two walls don't make it wide
00:44:38How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:42Till I get to do
00:44:46How many times
00:44:57Zing powwow, babies
00:44:59This was it
00:45:01The night we had worked our asses to the bone for
00:45:04The ladies were all puffed up like people
00:45:07The celebrity judges were in place
00:45:10The lights ablaze and the money was falling out of the sky into our laps
00:45:15Hello, I'm here with Butch Jr., owner of this fine Nevada casino
00:45:21Nestled in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip
00:45:23Thanks for joining us tonight, Butch Jr.
00:45:26Thank you so much
00:45:27And you know what, I'm really glad that you said that we are in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip
00:45:31Because we here at the casino, we're all about heart
00:45:33You know, some folks at home, they might think that we in the casino business are responsible for OTB
00:45:39But I'm here to tell you and all of them that is simply not true
00:45:42In fact, this evening, I am going to donate $50,000
00:45:46So not only good looking, but also a giver as well
00:45:49Well, we appreciate that
00:45:51Thanks for joining us
00:45:51Oh, thank you, you are too kind
00:45:52I'm sorry
00:45:54I turn under the dance
00:45:56Seat powwow, seat powwow
00:45:58That's the paperwork to do
00:45:59Hey, seat powwow
00:46:01Good, Jackie, good to see you
00:46:03It's the man of the hour, Mr. Jackie Fontaine himself
00:46:07Pleasure to meet you
00:46:08Yes, it is
00:46:09Nobody can fill up a casino like my buddy Butch here
00:46:13Well, we do aim to please
00:46:14Oh, yeah
00:46:15Hey, speaking of aiming
00:46:16Why don't you learn how to aim a little better when you're in the men's room, huh?
00:46:18Look at my shoes
00:46:19Oh
00:46:20Made you look
00:46:21This guy
00:46:22You stepped right into that
00:46:24But seriously, folks
00:46:25I kid, I kid all the time
00:46:26We're just trying to kind of clear up a few things
00:46:29I'm just trying to get an interview with Kitchity Katchity tonight
00:46:31You know, we want to hear a little bit more about his condition
00:46:35About the response from the community
00:46:36We also want to know where the proceeds are being
00:46:39Where they're being utilized
00:46:41Oh, of course
00:46:41Yeah, everybody wants to know that
00:46:43And the community
00:46:43We love the community
00:46:45Thank you, community
00:46:46Yeah
00:46:46You know, I've been trying to get a hold of the OTB people
00:46:49Because we need to know how to put those things to use
00:46:51But they don't want to answer any of their phones or anything
00:46:53I don't know
00:46:54It's like maybe they got like a disconnector or something
00:46:57Like
00:46:58We've been looking for you, Jackie
00:46:59Oh, I say
00:47:01We just wanted to thank you, you know
00:47:03For all the good work you're doing for the OTB community
00:47:06Oh, well, hey, thanks, guys
00:47:08Yeah, you know, I tell you
00:47:09Rock Gold the Strangler
00:47:11I didn't know you were out of jail yet, huh?
00:47:14You too
00:47:14Hey, good to see you guys
00:47:16Hey
00:47:16Hey, uh, butchie
00:47:17Hey, the whole gang's here
00:47:19Come on over
00:47:20Hey, when we heard what you and Kitchity Catchy were doing
00:47:22And, uh, you know
00:47:23You didn't need to contact us
00:47:24And now here you are
00:47:26Using the name of the OTB Foundation
00:47:27Yeah, you can understand
00:47:29Why we was a little upset with you
00:47:30Thanks to this good woman right here
00:47:32See, she contacted us on behalf of Jackie
00:47:34And Kitchity Catchy
00:47:36In the OTB pageant
00:47:37She explained to us
00:47:38There may have been a little miscommunication
00:47:40Between the two parties
00:47:41Yeah
00:47:41Yes
00:47:42I, Sissy Tehran
00:47:45Miss Nevada
00:47:46Nineteen
00:47:47I took it upon myself
00:47:50To contact these fine gentlemen
00:47:53And their little group
00:47:55As the moral authority of this state
00:48:01And with Jackie's blessing
00:48:03And the blessing of Mr. Cat
00:48:06Tall Kitchen
00:48:08The sick purple thing
00:48:10I offer a welcoming hand to this pageant
00:48:14Which is based around such a wonderful charity
00:48:17As you may know
00:48:18I come from a charity-minded family
00:48:21It's the way I was raised
00:48:22And the way I raised my daughter
00:48:24My beautiful little girl
00:48:26Contestant number 13
00:48:27Gorgeous kid at that
00:48:29The young lady's not so bad herself
00:48:31In a real class act
00:48:32Oh, stop it
00:48:34You're too sweet
00:48:35Oh, and I would like to tell your viewers
00:48:39If anyone thinks
00:48:40That I am with Jackie
00:48:42Just to benefit my little girl
00:48:43Well, that is simply a lie
00:48:45Our love
00:48:46Is true
00:48:48As a matter of fact
00:48:50We're engaged
00:48:52And your little TV audience
00:48:55Is the first to know
00:48:56Ladies and gentlemen
00:49:01Hello
00:49:02My name is Butch Snyder Jr.
00:49:05And I would like to welcome you
00:49:06To the first annual
00:49:08Jackie Fontaine
00:49:09Kitchity
00:49:10Catchity
00:49:11Cavalcade of Beauty
00:49:12And
00:49:13Super Spotlight of Talent
00:49:15Celebrity Tribute to the Troops
00:49:17OTB Beauty Pageant Super Show
00:49:19Benefiting, of course
00:49:21The Jackie Fontaine
00:49:23OTB Foundation
00:49:24And now
00:49:25It is my privilege
00:49:26To introduce to you
00:49:26This evening's host
00:49:28The king of comedy
00:49:30The man with the golden throat
00:49:32Mr. Jackie Fontaine
00:49:34Here's Jackie
00:49:35There she is
00:49:42Who knows what we see
00:49:45Who knows if it's she
00:49:49We just know
00:49:50It might be
00:49:52Miss OTB
00:49:54Miss OTB
00:49:57Hey
00:49:59Ladies and gentlemen
00:49:59Sing Powwow
00:50:00I'm Jackie Fontaine
00:50:01And thank you very much
00:50:02For being here
00:50:03At the first annual
00:50:04Jackie Fontaine
00:50:06Kitchity Catchity
00:50:07Beauty Pageant
00:50:08To benefit the OTB Foundation
00:50:10But first
00:50:11Let's bring it down
00:50:11Let's center ourselves
00:50:13Let's remember
00:50:13Exactly why we're here
00:50:15Not for glitz
00:50:15Not for glamour
00:50:16Not for glitter
00:50:17We're here because of this horrible disease
00:50:19OTB
00:50:20That's right
00:50:21I got a phone call
00:50:22From a very very high profile celebrity
00:50:25A good friend of mine
00:50:26Called me and said
00:50:27Jackie
00:50:27I got the OTB
00:50:29And before those damn vultures
00:50:31In the media
00:50:32Pick me apart
00:50:33Like
00:50:33Like a Costco
00:50:34Rotisserie chicken
00:50:36I want to come out on my own
00:50:38On your program
00:50:38The Up All Night Show
00:50:40And he did
00:50:40And that's where we decided
00:50:42The whole world
00:50:43Needs to know about him
00:50:44And ladies and gentlemen
00:50:46That celebrity
00:50:47Is a good friend of mine
00:50:49Kitchity Catchity
00:50:50Butch
00:50:53Butch get over here
00:50:54I'm sorry Jackie
00:50:55No no no no
00:50:55Butch
00:50:56I promised I wouldn't cry
00:50:57You've got to suck it up
00:50:58You've got to suck it up
00:50:59Just like your dad did
00:51:00Butch Senior
00:51:00He does
00:51:01You want a goddamn casino
00:51:02And we're going to beat OTB together
00:51:04And you'll get over there
00:51:05Okay
00:51:06And control yourself
00:51:07But first ladies and gentlemen
00:51:08A lot of people don't know shit
00:51:09About OTB
00:51:11But you know what
00:51:12These ladies right here
00:51:13They know everything there is
00:51:15To know about OTB
00:51:17And that's why
00:51:18They're giving up tonight
00:51:19They're giving up their bodies
00:51:21They're giving up their talent
00:51:22They're giving up
00:51:23Who knows what else
00:51:24To fight OTB
00:51:26And that's exactly what
00:51:27We're going to do
00:51:28Because one of these ladies
00:51:29Is going to be crowned
00:51:30Miss OTB
00:51:31And help us stomp out
00:51:33OTB
00:51:34My heart was beating
00:51:36And my palms were sweating
00:51:38I don't know
00:51:38Maybe it was the diet pills
00:51:40Or maybe it was just the fact
00:51:43That I was back in the game baby
00:51:45The game I love
00:51:46The game I rule
00:51:47The game of entertainment
00:51:49And celebrityism
00:51:51A world filled with fast chicks
00:51:54Loose money and fun
00:51:56It was just a crown away
00:51:58I was tuned in to my machismo
00:52:02Spilling pheromones out of my glands
00:52:05And my entertainment abilities
00:52:07Were all heightened to their peak
00:52:09I was ready for the comeback
00:52:11Yet something
00:52:13Something somewhere
00:52:15Was pulling at my boxer shorts
00:52:17And it wasn't a groupie this time
00:52:19I couldn't put my finger on it
00:52:21But I did smell the slight aroma
00:52:25Of a purple furry little rat
00:52:27But did I listen to my gut?
00:52:29No!
00:52:30No, I was too caught up in the excitement
00:52:33I want to tell you that I
00:52:45I think you're looking just fine
00:52:48I want to tell you that I
00:52:50I want you by my side
00:52:53The way you move your body
00:52:55The way I feel inside
00:52:58I want to take you for a ride
00:53:01Wanna be with you
00:53:05Do you want me to?
00:53:08Wanna be with you
00:53:11You're the one that I want
00:53:13You're the one that I need
00:53:16You're the one that I want
00:53:19We can make it tonight
00:53:22If you're here, it'd be more than okay
00:53:25Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
00:53:31If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay
00:53:35Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
00:53:41You're the one that I want
00:53:43You're the one that I need
00:53:46You're the one that I want
00:53:48You're the one that I want
00:53:49You're the one that I need
00:53:51You're the one that I need
00:53:52You're the one that I need
00:53:53You're the one that I need
00:53:54You're the one that I need
00:53:55You're the one that I need
00:53:56You're the one that I need
00:53:57You're the one that I need
00:53:58You're the one that I need
00:53:59You're the one that I need
00:54:00You're the one that I need
00:54:01You're the one that I need
00:54:02You're the one that I need
00:54:03You're the one that I need
00:54:04You're the one that I need
00:54:05You're the one that I need
00:54:06You're the one that I need
00:54:07You're the one that I need
00:54:08You're the one that I need
00:54:09You're the one that I need
00:54:10You're the one that I need
00:54:11You're the one that I need
00:54:42I'm going to do dance, modern dance, I'm going to dance to a song.
00:55:03I think you forgot something.
00:55:08Forgive me for intruding on their cute little sexually frustrated scene.
00:55:19I guess I should always keep my thoughts to myself.
00:55:22But you see, the truth is that the brilliant producers of this film asked me to talk over
00:55:28this cute little scene because they never secured the rights to the song.
00:55:33These two youths are strumming.
00:55:36It's a damn shame because they're actually pretty good kids.
00:55:40If you like that touchy-feely kind of crap, you know.
00:55:43In my day, we would just put the sheet music upside down, ad-lib a few verses, and zing-pow-wow,
00:55:50babies, no lawyers, no subpoenas.
00:55:53Things can get lost in translation, but hell, who's listening?
00:55:58And most of the dives I played are filled with sterno-bums and bimbos.
00:56:02But I digress.
00:56:04Oh, well, looks like a little beaver and gaga duet is almost done.
00:56:09Hey, let's just keep this between us.
00:56:12Oh, yes, yes, yes.
00:56:16Oh, that's my little girl.
00:56:18Oh, I'm so proud of you, Brittany.
00:56:20I don't need this anymore.
00:56:22Congratulations.
00:56:23Oh.
00:56:27Yes, thank you, ladies.
00:56:29Oh, aren't they all talented?
00:56:31Fantastic job.
00:56:32Well, ladies and gentlemen, as in all beauty pageants, that time has come in this evening
00:56:37for us to have our very first elimination in this period.
00:56:41Who will it be, huh?
00:56:43Big drum roll, ladies and gentlemen.
00:56:46Aha.
00:56:47Our first contestant to be eliminated tonight, oh, is number 13, Brittany.
00:56:56Thank you, Brittany.
00:56:58You can go ahead and go off right over there.
00:57:01Now, ladies and gentlemen, you see how easy that was?
00:57:05All you have to do is be one notch below and you're out.
00:57:09But that's not going to happen to you.
00:57:12Now, the next one is the hula hoop contest.
00:57:16You know the things I do for people?
00:57:26God damn it.
00:57:27Fuck me.
00:57:28You know, you got that money?
00:57:29Yes, Jackie.
00:57:30Oh, good, good, good.
00:57:31I'm a...
00:57:32That's my girl.
00:57:33You know, that son of a bitch, that purple little rag.
00:57:35I know he's up to something.
00:57:37Because I got the OTP people so far up my ass, I can taste their cheap cologne.
00:57:41But you know, it's okay.
00:57:43It's okay.
00:57:44You know why, sweetheart?
00:57:46Because we got the monies, huh?
00:57:49Yes, Jackie?
00:57:51That's right, yeah.
00:57:52I knew I could count on you, Ruby, huh?
00:57:55But I'm taking...
00:57:55Jackie!
00:57:56Are you insane?
00:57:57Rockle the Strangler is out there.
00:57:59If this blows up in our face, Jackie, you're on your own.
00:58:02I'm a respectable man in the community.
00:58:04You're good, I know, okay?
00:58:05I promise you, Butch, I'll take care of it, okay?
00:58:07Don't worry.
00:58:08Don't worry.
00:58:08Don't worry.
00:58:08Don't worry.
00:58:08Don't worry.
00:58:08You've got five minutes to get out there and fix it, Jackie.
00:58:11I'll do it.
00:58:12Five minutes!
00:58:12I'll do it two and a half minutes.
00:58:13Do it!
00:58:14Okay!
00:58:14Jesus Christ, what the hell?
00:58:16I'll tell you what, this is the kind of bullshit that's going to get us up there.
00:58:21Yes, what I tell you about this kid is fool all the time.
00:58:24Yes, Chef.
00:58:24Shit!
00:58:25Listen to them out there.
00:58:26I love you, you shit.
00:58:31Hey, everybody, I'm Marshall.
00:58:32So, this is a song I just wrote about someone I met.
00:58:39I know this girl
00:58:41She's got that hourglass figure
00:58:45Yeah, I know this girl
00:58:49She's my favorite picture
00:58:52She walks like a dream
00:58:56And she's got these and sweeter to me
00:59:01And Brittany?
00:59:03I want you to know that I am so proud of you.
00:59:06You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
00:59:10And it doesn't matter how pretty you are or where you end up in life.
00:59:15The woman you are inside is all that matters.
00:59:21Oh, Mom!
00:59:22She's my pride and my joy
00:59:27Joe!
00:59:28Joe!
00:59:29Joe, it's Marvin!
00:59:30Marvin, your cousin!
00:59:32You know that new sound you was looking for?
00:59:35Well, take a listen to this!
00:59:37If she called out to me, yeah!
00:59:39Oh, God!
00:59:40Oh, what is this?
00:59:41Movie of the week?
00:59:42You little rat!
00:59:43Can't you see we're having a moment?
00:59:45When did you get that back?
00:59:46Give it to me!
00:59:58Give it to me!
01:00:01I think you better do it!
01:00:03Give me that!
01:00:06I'll save you later!
01:00:07Don't worry!
01:00:08Oh, you fluffy, purple, little perpetrated you!
01:00:11I knew you were up to something!
01:00:12You're never gonna get this!
01:00:13Hey!
01:00:14Don't worry!
01:00:14What the fuck do you think you're doing?
01:00:19Oh, you!
01:00:22Morty!
01:00:23Get him!
01:00:25I think that purple thing is a homosexual!
01:00:31Morty!
01:00:32Yeah!
01:00:33Where the hell is Nifty?
01:00:34Oh, uh...
01:00:36Yeah, uh...
01:00:37Uh, the, uh...
01:00:38The OTB got...
01:00:39What?
01:00:40That OTB got another one!
01:00:42I know, boss!
01:00:43Wait a minute!
01:00:44Yeah?
01:00:44What the hell is that in your pocket?
01:00:46Oh, uh...
01:00:47This?
01:00:48Uh, nothing, uh...
01:00:49It's just the, uh...
01:00:50Well...
01:00:51Morty!
01:00:52It's the OTB, boss!
01:00:54It's got me!
01:00:54I'm sorry!
01:00:55The OTB is back!
01:00:57Baby!
01:00:57No, Morty, please!
01:00:58No, no!
01:00:59God damn you, Fontaine!
01:01:02I see things you never believe...
01:01:06You're gonna...
01:01:07You're gonna...
01:01:08Okay!
01:01:09Hey!
01:01:09Hey, folks!
01:01:10Yeah!
01:01:10Guess what?
01:01:11It's that moment now
01:01:12that we're gonna...
01:01:13We're gonna crown
01:01:14the Miss, uh...
01:01:15OTB...
01:01:16Growth!
01:01:17Contestants!
01:01:17Come out here now!
01:01:18It's the moment
01:01:19we've all been waiting for!
01:01:21It's over gonna...
01:01:23Gather round, gather round, gather round!
01:01:25All the way!
01:01:25All the way!
01:01:26Come closer!
01:01:26Closer!
01:01:27Closer!
01:01:27Yes!
01:01:28Oh!
01:01:29Yeah, you hold this!
01:01:29For me, okay?
01:01:30Ladies and gentlemen!
01:01:31We're gonna now crown
01:01:32the Miss...
01:01:34The Miss, uh...
01:01:35OTB...
01:01:36is gonna be...
01:01:39uh...
01:01:40Sparkles!
01:01:43Congratulations, everybody!
01:01:44Way to go, baby!
01:01:45Sparkles!
01:01:47Yes!
01:01:48Oh, no!
01:01:48I gotta save Jackie!
01:01:54Stay back!
01:01:57There's no need for any excitement.
01:01:59There's no need for anybody to get hurt.
01:02:02Somebody doesn't...
01:02:02Give me that money!
01:02:03I'm gonna blow this bitch's brains out!
01:02:04Oh, no!
01:02:06Jack, we're getting the wrong bag!
01:02:07Shh!
01:02:09Oh!
01:02:10Marshall!
01:02:11Brittany,
01:02:12sometimes a woman
01:02:13has got to stand up for her man!
01:02:15We need a weapon!
01:02:16Uh...
01:02:17Uh...
01:02:17Uh...
01:02:18Uh...
01:02:19I...
01:02:19I...
01:02:20No...
01:02:20I...
01:02:20I...
01:02:21No...
01:02:21Brittany!
01:02:22Brittany!
01:02:23You don't know what you're doing!
01:02:27Let her go!
01:02:28It's gonna be okay, honey!
01:02:30Shut the fuck up, bitch!
01:02:31Ah, no!
01:02:33Listen!
01:02:33I know you.
01:02:36I know this looks bad.
01:02:37But this isn't you.
01:02:39This is the OTB talking.
01:02:41Am I right?
01:02:42I don't know.
01:02:43I...
01:02:43I was doing so good!
01:02:45Yeah.
01:02:46You were doing great.
01:02:47And then you got into this casino
01:02:49with all the lights and the sound
01:02:50and it brought you back.
01:02:52You just got a little lost.
01:02:54All the lights?
01:02:56They sounded so pretty!
01:02:57Yeah.
01:02:58You just got a little lost.
01:03:00I don't...
01:03:02I don't...
01:03:02Oh!
01:03:03Oh!
01:03:19Dickie!
01:03:21Dickie!
01:03:22Dickie!
01:03:22Hey, who's dick do I have to suck
01:03:27to get my dick shot?
01:03:28God, now, ladies!
01:03:29Yikes!
01:03:29Hello, lover.
01:03:41Believe it or not,
01:03:43I'm letting you go.
01:03:45Even though I was the one
01:03:48who was talking to the OTB people
01:03:50and I was the one
01:03:53talking to the others,
01:03:55pumping them
01:03:55and pumping you
01:03:58for answers
01:03:58to your true motives.
01:04:01Still,
01:04:02I wouldn't want anyone
01:04:04locking you up in a cage.
01:04:06Why would I do that?
01:04:08I can't have you.
01:04:10We don't belong to each other.
01:04:12People don't belong
01:04:13to other people.
01:04:15A free spirit,
01:04:17a wild thing,
01:04:19a tough guy like you.
01:04:22All you need
01:04:23are garbage cans
01:04:25and rats galore.
01:04:27So, scram.
01:04:29Go!
01:04:30Get out of here!
01:04:31Go!
01:04:31Go!
01:04:34You're just chicken.
01:04:35That's all.
01:04:37You got no guts.
01:04:38You're afraid
01:04:40someone is going
01:04:41to lock you
01:04:41in that cage.
01:04:43Well, baby,
01:04:44you are already
01:04:45in that cage
01:04:46and it's a cage
01:04:47you've built yourself.
01:04:49And your cage
01:04:50isn't west
01:04:50by Tupola, Texas
01:04:52or east
01:04:53of Somaliland.
01:04:55No.
01:04:56It's wherever you go
01:04:57because no matter
01:04:59where you go,
01:05:00you always end up
01:05:01running right back
01:05:02into yourself.
01:05:05Oh!
01:05:08Well, kids,
01:05:30here we are.
01:05:31Like I said
01:05:31in the beginning,
01:05:32I'd work my way
01:05:33backwards.
01:05:34Well, now you know
01:05:35as much as I do.
01:05:37How greed,
01:05:38narcissism,
01:05:39nepotism,
01:05:40and womanism
01:05:40took our little plan
01:05:42down to its knees.
01:05:44Oh, Uncle Jackie
01:05:45can blame himself
01:05:46for letting it blow up.
01:05:47But the mastermind
01:05:49of deceit
01:05:49is that little
01:05:50purple-coated pubic hair
01:05:51kitchity-katchity.
01:05:53You see,
01:05:53I thought I was free,
01:05:54white,
01:05:55twenty-one,
01:05:56money in hand
01:05:56and my genitals
01:05:57still in working order.
01:05:59But the fat lady
01:06:00ain't sung yet,
01:06:01you see.
01:06:01I should have
01:06:03seen it coming.
01:06:04That is what she said.
01:06:06He did it again to me.
01:06:08I messed myself good
01:06:10when that little
01:06:11sock puppet
01:06:12ambushed me
01:06:12on the way to Mexico,
01:06:14popping up
01:06:14in my backseat,
01:06:15sticking his filthy gun
01:06:17in my good air.
01:06:18He was never,
01:06:19ever gonna share
01:06:20any of anything with me,
01:06:22just like before.
01:06:23I should have known.
01:06:24All right,
01:06:25you little fucking
01:06:26purple faggot.
01:06:27Sing powwow this,
01:06:28motherfucker.
01:06:29афot.
01:06:31Get out of the way!
01:06:33Find me!
01:06:33Get out of the way!
01:06:34Get out of the way!
01:06:48Get out of the way!
01:06:57bleep.
01:06:58Come on.
01:07:28No, not you.
01:07:42Singapal, baby.
01:07:58Here goes the neighborhood.
01:08:05You know I'm his mother.
01:08:17You know I'm his mother.
01:08:26You know, me and Mr. K didn't always see eye to eye.
01:08:34The morning that he died, I went out and got him a racing ticket one last time.
01:08:44And you know what?
01:08:47It's a winner.
01:08:51So, he went out a winner.
01:08:57I just sleep at night thinking about my poor Jack.
01:09:00Oh, look at that prison cell.
01:09:02No one can noodle with.
01:09:04No one can kiss his head.
01:09:06Apply his creams.
01:09:07He needs his creams.
01:09:08Oh, Jackie.
01:09:09You need your creams, baby.
01:09:11Jackie.
01:09:12Oh, yeah.
01:09:15We're still trying to get over it.
01:09:22Oh, yeah.
01:09:23Absolutely.
01:09:24People and the media, of course, have just tarnished our name.
01:09:28We look so bad and we're just really trying to work through it and come out looking better
01:09:34and on top.
01:09:35I mean, I just can't believe that happened.
01:09:37That's...
01:09:38That's so awful.
01:09:39It's not who we are.
01:09:40Exactly.
01:09:41We're way better than that.
01:09:42Exactly.
01:09:43We're really nice people.
01:09:45So nice.
01:09:46I don't understand.
01:09:47I don't get into that.
01:09:48Sadly, Sparkles and I broke up the next week.
01:09:55I really hope it works out for them.
01:09:58May they burn in hell for what they did.
01:10:02And so, I wrote a book about it.
01:10:05Revenge is sweet.
01:10:12Yeah!
01:10:14Christmas!
01:10:16Jacky's like chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe.
01:10:23You can never get rid of him.
01:10:25Yeah, that's right.
01:10:26The more you pull, the more he sticks to you.
01:10:29Jacky will always make a comeback.
01:10:31And we'll be right there.
01:10:32Yeah, we'll be there.
01:10:33I'll be there as long as we can.
01:10:35You know, there's an old saying.
01:10:38Scared money never wins.
01:10:40But I tell you.
01:10:43Stupid money is an entirely different subject.
01:10:48And these two wrote the book on stupid.
01:10:50You know, kitschity-catsy, which camera are we on?
01:10:52Fuck you.
01:10:53And fuck you, Jacky.
01:10:54Fuck all of you.
01:10:55Thank you, good afternoon.
01:10:58My name is Detective Johnson.
01:11:00I'm from the crime scene unit.
01:11:02This is where we found the vehicle, a Lincoln Continental.
01:11:07We believe there was a struggle inside the car that caused the car to go off the road and flip over.
01:11:14Mr. Catchity was thrown from the vehicle.
01:11:18Mr. Fontaine, on a trail of blood, we believe, crawled through where the front window would have been.
01:11:26This was not unusual.
01:11:28What was unusual was the impressions of a woman's high-heeled stiletto footprints all over where the body would have been.
01:11:37But when we found Mr. Fontaine, we believe from the state he was in, and obviously the brutality of this crime scene,
01:11:46we believe Mr. Catchity, uh, Mr. Fontaine, killed and ate Mr. Catchity.
01:11:55The Catchity!
01:11:56The Catchity!
01:11:57Toarts catcettle androphy trap.
01:11:58The Catchity!
01:11:59The Catterous Guard.
01:12:00The Catchity!
01:12:01The Catchity!
01:12:02Oh!
01:12:03The Catchity!
01:12:04Pete!
01:12:05The Catchity!
01:12:06The Catchity!
01:12:07The C àsmar Glass!
01:12:08The Catchity!
01:12:09To迷惑ост raises a investigation of trouble!
01:12:12The Catchity!
01:12:13The Catchity!
01:12:14The Catchity!
01:12:16The Catchity!
01:12:17The Catchity!
01:12:18The Catchity!
01:12:19That's where you're dealing with, huh?
01:12:20Are you doing...
01:12:21... cómo you're going, huh?
01:12:22You're dealing with me....
01:12:24Oh
01:12:49Monkey if I have to show you that one more time
01:12:54Yeah, how do you come up with that stuff? I've heard that a million times
01:12:57As a matter of fact, remember the time I was talking about Betty and her gout?
01:13:03You know when Betty come over and she popped something on her foot
01:13:08Murderer
01:13:09I didn't know if she was having a period
01:13:11You killed Kitchity Kitchity
01:13:13You killed Kitchity Kitchity
01:13:17That is...
01:13:18That's nobody, that's you
01:13:20You killed Kitchity Kitchity
01:13:22You left him in the desert to die
01:13:25Listen here pal
01:13:26You better keep your mouth shut, you understand?
01:13:29You left Wing Fudge packing all the way
01:13:32No, no, no!
01:13:33You son of a bitch!
01:13:34Ah!
01:13:41Ah!
01:13:43Ah!
01:13:44Ah!
01:13:45Oh!
01:13:46Oh!
01:13:50What's happened to me?
01:13:53What have I become?
01:13:56Oh my god
01:13:57Sorry, guys.
01:14:07Who was that guy?
01:14:09Oh, hey.
01:14:10Sing pow wow, Jackie Fontaine here.
01:14:13Hey, welcome to my new humble abode, okay?
01:14:17We're downsizing, you know?
01:14:19That's the best way to go.
01:14:20That's what, you know, the corporate people do it all the time.
01:14:22I learned my lesson, okay?
01:14:24We're downsizing and outsourcing and all that stuff.
01:14:28Matter of fact, I got my very own telemarketer man boy right here.
01:14:33Julio, say hello, Julio.
01:14:35Hola.
01:14:35Hola.
01:14:36I don't know if he said blow me or hello or goodbye or whatever.
01:14:39But, you know, I'm learning.
01:14:41He's teaching me.
01:14:42I'm teaching him, you know?
01:14:43Hey, El Morocco.
01:14:48Anyways, we're going to be back in Vegas.
01:14:50We're going to be everywhere.
01:14:51Hey, you need to get that out of there.
01:14:53Okay?
01:14:54Anyways, you know, um, would you put that preparation at your way, too?
01:14:58Jesus Christ.
01:14:59Anyways, I tell you, help nowadays, you know?
01:15:02You can't buy help.
01:15:04You can't get help.
01:15:06I'll tell you what.
01:15:07Speaking of help, would you be quiet back there?
01:15:11It's my moment.
01:15:13I sure do miss my little pal.
01:15:16Kitchity-katchity.
01:15:17I'll tell you what.
01:15:19That little guy, he brought so much joy to my life.
01:15:23God rest his soul.
01:15:25But, you know, he'd want us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and continue on.
01:15:28And that's what we're going to do, okay?
01:15:30All right.
01:15:31See you later.
01:15:33Julio, let me show you how it's worked.
01:15:34We've got to start putting this shit back together, okay?
01:15:36Okay.
01:15:37Put them pinatas in the place.
01:15:38Oh, hey.
01:15:58See?
01:15:59Pow wow.
01:16:00You're the old Uncle Jackie here.
01:16:02You know, as long as I've been in show business, well, a night like this is very difficult.
01:16:07Because, unfortunately, this is Uncle Jackie's last and final show.
01:16:13I know.
01:16:14I know.
01:16:14But don't worry.
01:16:16Old Uncle Jackie will get by somehow, you know?
01:16:18I'm like one of them old dirty panties.
01:16:21I mean, panties.
01:16:23I'm going to show up somewhere and you know it.
01:16:26But, you know, before they pull the plug on your Uncle Jackie here, I want to share something for you, okay?
01:16:33I got a letter from a fan.
01:16:34And this fan calls himself my number one fan.
01:16:39And I believe him.
01:16:41I'd like to read this letter to you.
01:16:43Dear Jackie, I'm just a small-town kid from one of those crappy countries.
01:16:51We don't get much like you big shots out here in America.
01:16:57But the goulash ain't bad.
01:16:59But when I watch you on TV doing one of your live from Las Vegas shows, it makes me feel like I could be someone.
01:17:11You inspired me to dream.
01:17:13And I know this is your very last show, but could you sing the Buster Guy theme song one last time?
01:17:24Signs, best regards, your biggest fan.
01:17:28And why couldn't all of you out there take a lesson from that?
01:17:32True fan?
01:17:33Well, I'll tell you what, number one fan.
01:17:35It's been a while.
01:17:36Well, I'm going to do my best.
01:17:39Yeah, could you put the cue card up there?
01:17:40Good.
01:17:41Okay, here we go.
01:17:43Who's that cat roughing up that chump?
01:17:48Who's that dick beating down a pimp?
01:17:53Who's that dude kicking ass on the fly?
01:17:57Watch out!
01:17:59It's Buster Guy!
01:18:01Buster Guy!
01:18:03Private Eye!
01:18:05He's that cat in disguise!
01:18:08Buster Guy!
01:18:10Private Eye!
01:18:13Buster Guy!
01:18:15Private Eye!
01:18:18Kiss him off and say bye-bye!
01:18:22Buster Guy!
01:18:24Private Eye!
01:18:25He's the cat that'll kill you high!
01:18:28Watch out!
01:18:29Bang, bang!
01:18:30It's Buster Guy!
01:18:36Get over here!
01:18:40Yes.
01:18:41Yes.
01:18:43You know, I was thinking.
01:18:45Were you?
01:18:46Well, yeah, I guess I was too.
01:18:50The whole thing was just stupid.
01:18:54Yeah, it was.
01:18:55But it was, really.
01:18:56Yeah, it was.
01:18:57We've had a lot of things beneath us, huh?
01:18:59Just dumb!
01:19:01Yeah, it was pretty dumb.
01:19:05Stupid.
01:19:07Yeah.
01:19:07We've had a lot of things.
01:19:08We've had a lot of things.
01:19:08We've had a lot of things.
01:19:09We've had a lot of things.
01:19:09We've had a lot of things.
01:19:10We've had a lot of things.
01:19:10We've had a lot of things.
01:19:11We've had a lot of things.
01:19:11We've had a lot of things.
01:19:12We've had a lot of things.
01:19:13We've had a lot of things.
01:19:13We've had a lot of things.
01:19:14We've had a lot of things.
01:19:14We've had a lot of things.
01:19:15We've had a lot of things.
01:19:16We've had a lot of things.
01:19:17We've had a lot of things.
01:19:18We've had a lot of things.
01:19:18We've had a lot of things.
01:19:19We've had a lot of things.
01:19:20We've had a lot of things.
01:19:21We've had a lot of things.
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