- 4 months ago
Two has been Vegas icons plot to scam the beauty pageant world by producing a fake beauty pageant on the Las Vegas strip. All hell breaks loose when the two are consumed by greed, fame and fortune.
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00:00:00Sattay Bazi ki isse behter jaga nahi hai khata re-charge karao
00:00:17Dao se paise pao, moke ka fayda uthau
00:00:21Aur khud ko ameer banao, bhavya jeevan pao
00:00:25One next bet per dao lagao
00:00:27Alisha ghar nahi liena chate kya
00:00:29Hoori dunia nahi guhna chate kya
00:00:31Sapani ho jate sek je basrat ho
00:00:33One next bet sports batting ne diya mujhe rashta
00:00:37Huwa meera rajan season ni ki se vasta
00:00:39Main kar sakta hoon to, tum bhi kar sakte ho
00:00:59Sampai jumpa
00:01:01Sampai jumpa
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00:02:01Sampai jumpa
00:02:03Sampai jumpa
00:02:05Sampai jumpa
00:02:07Sampai jumpa
00:02:09and crush dreams, I'm going to have to start it again and lug my way back.
00:02:16That's what she said.
00:02:26Two Vegas icons crumbled.
00:02:30Tonight, the grand re-reopening of the casino just off the Vegas trip.
00:02:35Police believe the celebrity-has-been duel of Jackie Fontaine and Kitchity-Katchity staged a fake beauty pageant to benefit the OTB Foundation.
00:02:49The duel's shady dealings were exposed during the night's events, causing the two to flee the scene.
00:02:56Their getaway car was found just a few hours outside of Vegas.
00:02:59Police believe there was a struggle inside the car, causing it to flip off the side of the road.
00:03:06Jackie Fontaine was found wandering the Mexican border, while Kitchity-Katchity still remains at large.
00:03:16Oh no, Becky, they're right here right now.
00:03:23It's something to do with the OTB people.
00:03:27They're here right now, a motion picture company is right in here right now.
00:03:31And they're taking my photograph right now as we speak.
00:03:34That's why I can't talk too long, sweetheart.
00:03:36No, it's something about all the girls that Jackie has assembled at one point, you know, with the big tushies and everything.
00:03:44I don't know, some kind of scandal or something.
00:03:47I know, I have to go, this might help.
00:03:49Maybe they're going to get him off.
00:03:52Oh, you're so funny.
00:03:55I don't think it's anything like that, though.
00:03:59I know, my dear boy.
00:04:01Okay, goodbye.
00:04:03Tau Tad, I said hello.
00:04:04Oh, you know, Becky is just full of herself.
00:04:09She's as excited as I am about everything.
00:04:12She can talk up a storm, you know.
00:04:15Anyways, let me get back to my sandwich here.
00:04:18Look at that, this beautiful sandwich that I made.
00:04:20Jackie used to love when I made sandwiches like this.
00:04:23You know, he used to have girls over all the time in his bedroom and stuff.
00:04:28And they would always be practicing.
00:04:33I would hear them practicing all night, you know, na, na, na, na, things like that.
00:04:39And I'd go, Jackie, your father's going to kill you if you mess up those sheets again.
00:04:44And then I would realize his father's not coming home ever again.
00:04:48He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
00:04:51Anyways, I may get myself a drink here.
00:04:55Fuck.
00:05:25Oh, yes.
00:05:31Let's go watch Pat Sajak, shall we?
00:05:39Jersey born.
00:05:41I knew I was destined for fame and fortune.
00:05:44When at the age of seven, I won a local telling contest.
00:05:48I dropped the mic and started shouting Zing Pow Wow.
00:05:52And a star was born, babies.
00:05:54Oh, yes.
00:05:55Ah, those friggin' birds.
00:05:57Oh, right.
00:05:58We need the birds or we're not a legit documentary.
00:06:03Let me show you what he looked like when he was on that show.
00:06:07Here he was, little Jackie.
00:06:10Oh, no, no.
00:06:11He used to poop himself a lot.
00:06:14Jackie did.
00:06:15I think it was God's way of saying,
00:06:18you need to pay attention to your little son.
00:06:21And I would rub his little tush.
00:06:23Did you want any sandwich?
00:06:29And then, here's Jackie sent me this from Las Vegas.
00:06:33He's a lovely boy.
00:06:35He always enjoyed sending me things from afar, away.
00:06:39And then, I'm so proud of this.
00:06:43He got me an award.
00:06:45I don't know what it's for, because the placard came off of it.
00:06:48But he said, Ma.
00:06:49He used to call me Ma.
00:06:51You're a star in my book.
00:06:52And I used to cry a lot about things like that.
00:06:56This was the 70s.
00:06:58Jackie was hot.
00:07:00Buster Guy was the hot show.
00:07:03Jackie was doing live shows five nights a week.
00:07:06I don't know where he found the energy, but, boy, he had it.
00:07:10And there was this, uh, this other kid, this new kid, who had his own act.
00:07:17Uh, it was really taking off.
00:07:19It was like this Yakov Smirnoff thing.
00:07:21Like, he was talking about how his country was different from our country.
00:07:25Total ripoff.
00:07:25But, uh, it was the 80s, so nobody cared.
00:07:29I brought the kid into the lights.
00:07:32And I was the only one who saw more than just a little purple-colored rat squeaky toy.
00:07:38He met that clackety-cookety.
00:07:41Whatever his name was.
00:07:43That little furry thing.
00:07:44I don't, to this day, understand.
00:07:46Ah, here's his secret.
00:07:48Kitcheny-catchety ain't got no papers.
00:07:50He got in the U.S. of A. by being a mule for his cousin, Kuday.
00:07:54Word is, Kitcheny owes Kuday a buttload of cash.
00:07:58No pun intended.
00:08:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:08:00You know, they met at my table.
00:08:03When they first come here, they didn't know so.
00:08:06Mostly, they'd just sit around trying to cheat each other.
00:08:09Hey, the gang's all here.
00:08:12I don't believe it.
00:08:13You two old cronies are still alive.
00:08:15Oh, man.
00:08:17You know, they just did get along all the time.
00:08:19Drugs and booze and women.
00:08:21Women, yeah.
00:08:21That's what was the problem.
00:08:22The women, the booze, the drugs.
00:08:24And then they'd fight over the women.
00:08:25Then they'd fight, yeah, right.
00:08:26But I think they loved each other.
00:08:29Kitcheny-catchety became the fan-favorite breakout star for the TV show Buster Guy.
00:08:34After a pay dispute at the end of the first year as a series regular, he moved out to L.A. and we took him on.
00:08:42He went commercial, man.
00:08:44He really went Uncle Tom on his mind.
00:08:46He left us.
00:08:50We knew he didn't have the right temperament for a kid's show, but we had the opportunity to replace Ranger Robb on his TV show, and we jumped on it.
00:09:03And he made it work.
00:09:06The statistics don't lie.
00:09:07Kids love purple.
00:09:10He was miserable artistically, spending money as fast as he was making it.
00:09:17And word of the drinking and the life he was living was being put out for the public.
00:09:25So, mid-season, we replaced him with the YouTuber Poopy.
00:09:32He said he was never going to share the spotlight again.
00:09:36I should have seen it coming.
00:09:42His drooling like Pavlov's dogs at any mention of a gig.
00:09:46His outrageous temper tantrums when the Hennessy ran out.
00:09:51Hitchity-catchity had an agenda that put old Beezlebub himself to shame.
00:09:55Yeah, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.
00:09:59I had created a monster.
00:10:03Oh, yes!
00:10:05Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:10:10He was so done doing anything with kids.
00:10:13He hated kids.
00:10:16They made him sick.
00:10:17So he flew off to Vegas and went to find Jackie for help.
00:10:25That's when he wrote Bible School Sluts from Outer Space.
00:10:32He wanted to show off his acting chops.
00:10:36He wanted to reinvent himself.
00:10:38And he needed to do something big.
00:10:40Something...like...like Ten Commandments big.
00:10:50Heavenly Star Command?
00:10:52Do you copy?
00:10:56Oh no! Kitchipoo!
00:11:02You there, girl! Get me off!
00:11:06No one would touch him.
00:11:08No one.
00:11:10He was broke when that flopped.
00:11:14He said he wanted to go to Vegas and relive the glory days.
00:11:20He said he had to go hook up with Jackie again.
00:11:24He left me with nothing.
00:11:28Nothing!
00:11:30But me with this.
00:11:32Dear Sweetness.
00:11:34As you well know, I've messed up.
00:11:36Unfortunately, the only solution is to leave L.A. forever.
00:11:40I'm behind six months on the utilities.
00:11:42I owe the bank 50k and I also owe Rizzo a thousand and Kermit 500.
00:11:48I think.
00:11:50As you well know, I didn't spend it on other women,
00:11:52but on the horse races.
00:11:54Please, kiss the Corvette for me.
00:11:56I'm behind on the car payments too.
00:11:58I also owe 800 to Elmo.
00:12:00Careful!
00:12:02Sincerely, your Kitchy Pie.
00:12:04Hey, hey, hey now.
00:12:06You questioning the validity of OTB?
00:12:10You having the audacity to make judgment of the existence of the very affliction
00:12:16that has crippled so many of my friends and colleagues.
00:12:20Unbelievable.
00:12:21You're just like all the other lame brains.
00:12:24I bet you'd even go as far as to accuse me and Kitchety-Katchety of making this OTB horror up.
00:12:32Well, I'll have you know that OTB is as real as it comes.
00:12:37Causing broken kneecaps, lost wages, divorce, and even degenerative-degenerate syndrome.
00:12:44Like that what has attacked my buddy Kitchety-Katchety.
00:12:48Yes.
00:12:49He, my friends, is on the top of the spectrum of affliction diseases.
00:12:54Yeah.
00:12:55You go Google that.
00:13:01Oh, yeah.
00:13:02I love you.
00:13:04Oh, hey!
00:13:05Welcome to the Up All Night Show with me, your host, with the most...
00:13:11Jackie Fontaine.
00:13:13That's right.
00:13:14I put the zing pow wow back in your dusty old box.
00:13:17Oh, I love that so much.
00:13:19Entertainment is in our blood.
00:13:20Yes, it is.
00:13:29Oh, yeah.
00:13:30Come on out, baby dog.
00:13:32Yeah.
00:13:33Where's Kitchety-Katchety at, huh?
00:13:42It's Kitchety-Katchety time.
00:13:44You see, some time after I lost my show and started running out of money, I wasn't feeling
00:13:53so well.
00:13:54I went to my doctor, and that's when he said, unfortunately, you've come down with O-T-B.
00:14:03Oh, God, no.
00:14:04Not the O-T-B.
00:14:05I can't believe it.
00:14:06Is there anything that Jackie could do for you, huh?
00:14:07Yes, there is, Jackie.
00:14:08You see, medical research has come a long way.
00:14:09Yes.
00:14:10But they need funding.
00:14:11So I thought to myself, what can I do to bring awareness to O-T-Bs?
00:14:18And I said to myself, you do what you do best, old boy.
00:14:19Exploiting hot, young for personal gain.
00:14:21A beauty pageant to bring awareness to O-T-Bs.
00:14:25Oh, yes.
00:14:26A beauty pageant to bring awareness to O-T-Bs.
00:14:28And I said to myself, you do what you do best, old boy.
00:14:33Exploiting hot, young for personal gain.
00:14:36Oh, yes.
00:14:37A beauty pageant to bring awareness to O-T-Bs.
00:14:41That is a great idea.
00:14:45Truly inspirational idea you got there with beauties like Baby.
00:14:50Why they would just blow the ignorant minds.
00:14:54Yes.
00:14:55Oh, it's great.
00:14:56Yes, but I can't do this alone.
00:14:59Jackie Fontaine, I need your help.
00:15:03To lead people to water so that they may drink from the cup of knowledge.
00:15:08knowledge, only you with your clear blue eyes with a roguish snap, providing us many years
00:15:16of quality entertainment, as well as providing DNA for half the cast of the Jersey Shore.
00:15:21Hey, hey, hey. Will you help bring awareness to my cause? Yes. Help me bring awareness to
00:15:27OTBs. Yes, I will. Calls were made and ads placed and favors were redeemed. We reserved
00:15:35time on my super access cable television show, which was full of chutzpah. Oh, the magic was
00:15:43in motion, babies. And then somehow, all this beauty pen, and all in the name of the OTB.
00:15:55Thank you for calling Jackie Fontaine's Cavalcade of Celebrities and Super Spotlight. Salute to the
00:16:00Troops of Rave, showcases the star's palestine. Made of Celebrity, Super Spotlight. Salute!
00:16:08I'm a mom. I'm a nurse practitioner. Professional poker player. I'm a librarian.
00:16:15President of my local bingo club. I'm someone's brother. I'm a detective. I'm a granddaughter.
00:16:21And I'm also an American. Proud American. I'm an American. American. American. American.
00:16:28And I suffer from OTB. I suffer from OTB. And I suffer from OTB. It's really f***ing a lot.
00:16:36Yes, Grandpa. Yes, yes, yes. I will tell them. And I have bookies to pay. Please stand united.
00:16:43Stand united. Let's all stand together. Let's all join together and support the Miss OTB pageant.
00:16:51For his sake. Hi, folks. Jackie Fontaine here. And did you know that 60% of the 20% of the people
00:16:59you just saw are dealing with the awful affliction of OTB in their lives? But did you also know that
00:17:06stars and celebrities and rich people and more important people are dealing with OTB too? Like
00:17:13my good friend here, Kitchity Katchity. Please, won't you see it from the bottom of your heart
00:17:20to help support the OTB Foundation? You can come out and support the Miss OTB beauty pageant with beautiful
00:17:28women. So please, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for America. Do it for the man above. But please,
00:17:37do it. So here's a hot bell, zing pow wow to you. And thanks for your support.
00:17:42Have we got your support, sweetheart? Yeah, I am, baby. See? Thanks, folks.
00:17:51Right off the bat, the word on the street is that the pageant was rigged.
00:17:55Really, I can't say that I don't blame people for saying that. After all,
00:17:59it was being held for free at our old stomping grounds, a casino. Yes, we hosted the Miss OTB pageant. We
00:18:07couldn't be happier about it. Jackie and Kitchity were like prodigal sons, a family returned to home.
00:18:15Now, of course, nothing is for free in this world, even if it is the casino stage, a stage that we had
00:18:23to share the rental of between the local junior high production of our town and the Vegas ladies
00:18:29quilting awards banquet. But also, it didn't hurt that the casino was owned and built by an ex-small-time
00:18:37bookie from the rough side of the tracks of Milwaukee, Butch, the bookie of Bob, an old friend of ours,
00:18:45who it was rumored had passed away recently from OTB. Now, his son, Butch, the bookie took over.
00:18:53And of course, the bookie junior, Butch, didn't seem to fall too far from the craps tree,
00:18:59if you know what I mean. I'm Butch Schneider Jr., and I run this magical place,
00:19:07the casino in downtown Las Vegas. You know, all casinos have lobbies, but at the casino,
00:19:15have we got a lobby. You know, all casinos and all hotels have rooms,
00:19:25but at the casino, have we got rooms. And of course, all casinos have restaurants,
00:19:37but at the casino, have we got a restaurant. Yes, there's no casino in the world like the casino
00:19:49in downtown Las Vegas. I was Jackie's personal assistant for about 20-plus wonderful years.
00:19:56He liked to refer to me as the gopher woman. Go for this. Go for that, he would say.
00:20:01Oh, he was just like one of those baby headless monkeys you want to roll around on the floor with.
00:20:07And only him, I might add. I used to clean his home and did his laundry. Hand washed.
00:20:14No, Jackie never paid me. In fact, he owed me money.
00:20:23Hey, guys, thanks for coming down here and waiting for us. Our little dear here,
00:20:29she's not much of a day person. Sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I am. Oh,
00:20:35yeah, I had to be there. Yeah, but this pageant, it's been really good for us.
00:20:42Uh, except for the fact that it's being hosted at the casino. But I mean, uh, our girl here,
00:20:48she's, uh, you know, she's got a schedule to keep now and, uh, goals to strive and aim for,
00:20:54and, uh, she's meeting a lot of new people. So I think it's been really good for her.
00:21:06Wha...
00:21:10Whoop.
00:21:19What?
00:21:19Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:21:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:21:28I just love my life as a dancer.
00:21:33I've met some really interesting people.
00:21:35And I've learned a whole lot about myself.
00:21:38Yep.
00:21:39I just love it when I learn important stuff.
00:21:41All by accident.
00:21:43I never thought I'd be in a pageant.
00:21:46So I thought it'd be a good idea to use it as a platform to promote my charity idea.
00:21:52We are a family with standards, you see.
00:21:56And as a charity...
00:22:00Mom, give that to me.
00:22:01You've got to show it.
00:22:02As a charity-minded people.
00:22:08I just want to help people who are in difficult times.
00:22:13So the resource that came up for my charity is PETA.
00:22:17Our family has an obligation.
00:22:20And if that involves a noble charity, then I say so be it.
00:22:25You see, you know, I had actually never even heard of this Jackie Fountain before.
00:22:29Or this itchy fellow.
00:22:33His name is Kit Kat.
00:22:35And, uh, but I wouldn't know because I wasn't allowed to watch anything on TV where he didn't...
00:22:41Again, we're a charity-minded people.
00:22:43And we are often blinded by good intentions.
00:22:46Oh, bullshit.
00:22:50Yeah, right.
00:22:52Because you said college is for fools and IT schools are scams and all the commercials are late at night.
00:22:58We will have no talk of trade schools on film, young lady.
00:23:04So tell everyone then, why is it such a crime to work with your hands?
00:23:13Out of the mouths of babes.
00:23:16I blame this on her father.
00:23:18It's that Castilian blood of yours.
00:23:21Makes her say the darndest things.
00:23:23You say the darndest things.
00:23:24You do.
00:23:24You do.
00:23:24You just...
00:23:25You just...
00:23:25No.
00:23:26No!
00:23:26Don't make out with me on TV!
00:23:28Don't make out.
00:23:29Stop it.
00:23:30Oh, Brittany.
00:23:33So I know you didn't get to see it that well earlier, but it says, ask me about OTV.
00:23:42And I have the guys on here.
00:23:44And then, um, I researched, like, what areas of the world are guys on here.
00:23:48That is lovely, dear.
00:23:49Like I said, charity-minded.
00:23:52Oh, my!
00:23:55Now, come this way.
00:23:56These are my prized possessions.
00:24:01Besides Brittany, of course.
00:24:02You all right, honey?
00:24:04Here is my Miss Lovely Eyes.
00:24:07Oh, sure.
00:24:08And here I won for Bowling Night Queen.
00:24:12I'm gonna score tonight.
00:24:14Ooh!
00:24:14And over here is...
00:24:16We don't talk about that one.
00:24:18And this is Healthy Living Queen.
00:24:20Still working on that.
00:24:21And here is my pièce de résistance.
00:24:27Miss Nevada Supreme.
00:24:321980...
00:24:32Oh, oh, oh!
00:24:34And look here!
00:24:34Here I am on my wedding day!
00:24:39As you may know, Mr. Terran is no longer with us.
00:24:45Look, we were so in love.
00:24:47Our love was almost, almost too much.
00:24:52The highs were so high.
00:24:55It was intense.
00:24:58It was almost abnormal.
00:25:00Yes, it was, uh, it was so intense that I...
00:25:04I had him deported.
00:25:07I can't say that it was easy, being a single mother, alone, raising a young daughter.
00:25:15But rest assured, friends.
00:25:17My little girl will grow up to know.
00:25:20The most important thing in this life is being a beautiful woman.
00:25:28You all look so pretty!
00:25:30It's a little intimidating.
00:25:34What are you, some kind of lesbian bad lady?
00:25:36Oh, oh, no.
00:25:40Um, I get mistaken that for a lot.
00:25:42That, that a lot.
00:25:43Uh, I...
00:25:44This is for charity.
00:25:46Yeah, charity's what got you in the door.
00:25:48Oh, snap!
00:25:55Shh!
00:25:59Thank you all for coming and trying out for the first ever pageant to benefit OTB.
00:26:04I'm Toby, and I'll be your coach for the run of this magical experience that will change
00:26:11your life forever.
00:26:13Now, please let me introduce you to our co-founder and local Las Vegas icon, Mr. Jackie Fountain.
00:26:23Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:26:25Yeah, I see how well!
00:26:26Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's going from Jersey.
00:26:29Boy, am I, you know, what's hurting.
00:26:31Hey, welcome, ladies, to the first annual OTB beauty pageant cavalcade a celebrity super
00:26:37spotlight salute to the truth.
00:26:38And you, you, right now, are meeting the host with the most, or maybe you, ladies, are going
00:26:44to be the most with the moist.
00:26:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:26:47I kid, I kid!
00:26:48Yeah, you know, but anyways, you're all going to make history tonight.
00:26:53Maybe a hysterectomy.
00:26:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:26:56See that joke?
00:26:57Zing that right in there to you.
00:26:58Thank you!
00:26:59Thank you!
00:27:00Thank you!
00:27:01Oh.
00:27:02Oh.
00:27:03Oh.
00:27:04Oh.
00:27:05Oh.
00:27:06Oh.
00:27:07Oh.
00:27:08Oh.
00:27:09Oh.
00:27:10Really?
00:27:11Oh, jeez.
00:27:12Okay, whatever.
00:27:15And where do you think you're going?
00:27:21This is Miss Kelly, personal trainer.
00:27:25I see why you called me here.
00:27:28We have a lot of work ahead of us.
00:27:31What?
00:27:32Mom, I don't have time.
00:27:34I'm going to work.
00:27:35There will be no work in this house, young lady.
00:27:40Come on, you...
00:27:41And what is this?
00:27:44That's my ukulele.
00:27:47Hi, Ben.
00:27:48You thought you were going to play this in the talent portion, didn't you?
00:27:53Well...
00:27:54Didn't you?
00:27:56Yes?
00:27:58Let me guess.
00:27:59This is one of those it's so lame that it's hip things, right?
00:28:04Do you guys not get it?
00:28:05You don't get the irony that the...
00:28:06Typical hipster.
00:28:07It's big and diet with no definition.
00:28:09I'm so sad.
00:28:10What?
00:28:11Come on.
00:28:12Oh, mom!
00:28:13Please!
00:28:14Mom!
00:28:15No!
00:28:16No!
00:28:17No!
00:28:18Let's get one thing straight.
00:28:20Miss Kelly has agreed to work with you on the side and help mold you into the image
00:28:25of a perfect pageant goddess and there is no room for ironic hipster garbage!
00:28:32Mom, what are we going to do about a talent?
00:28:34What are we going to do now?
00:28:35Nothing!
00:28:36What all sexy and sophisticated young women do?
00:28:40Just...
00:28:41Modern dance!
00:28:42Modern dance!
00:30:14Excuse me.
00:30:22I'm so sorry.
00:30:24Just a little something I carry with me when I cry.
00:30:31That's not what I'm saying.
00:30:32That's not what I'm saying.
00:30:33That's not what I'm saying.
00:30:34That's not what I'm saying.
00:30:35Oh, yeah.
00:30:36You're pushing the buttons there, sissy.
00:30:38Oh, am I?
00:30:39You are a big button pusher.
00:30:40I don't know.
00:30:41Big.
00:30:42Big.
00:30:43Oh, yeah.
00:30:44No, no, no.
00:30:45You don't like that.
00:30:46Yeah.
00:30:47I'm just seeing Kitchity on the side.
00:30:48What of it?
00:30:50And let me tell you, that little purple guy, he knows how to please a little man.
00:31:00That little purple fur, he knows how to hit all the right spots.
00:31:04That's something that Jackie could never do.
00:31:09Oh, brother.
00:31:11How could I let my animal magnetism take over like that?
00:31:14How was I to know that my love making would start the shit storm of the century?
00:31:19Little did I know that this was the start of my own undoing.
00:31:24This was all that purple little swifter needed in order to put his plan into action.
00:31:30He knew I would have a bums up, and he knew I would be too busy wheeling and dealing.
00:31:37He knew my must, man breeze, available at all drugstores for $29.99, would fill the
00:31:43air with animalistical urges and innuendos.
00:31:46I had her sexy long legs with those black new war stilettos from Kmart shaking in the
00:31:53nether regions.
00:31:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:31:55We all know that if you play with your shit, you end up with a sandbox for the plates.
00:32:01Oh, baby.
00:32:02So why didn't I exercise a little self-control?
00:32:07Why couldn't I see that sissy, that amazing dreamboat of a woman, was after more than just
00:32:14Jackie's manhood?
00:32:16Psst!
00:32:17Camera boy!
00:32:18Come here!
00:32:19Come in here!
00:32:21Call it a mother's intuition, but there is something not quite right here, and I am going
00:32:27to find out what it is!
00:32:29Hike down over there, we're having a meeting!
00:32:30Cell phone backstage.
00:32:31Blown up my stage.
00:32:32Okay.
00:32:33Brittany!
00:32:34Honey, you just look so fabulous!
00:32:35I'm so nervous, I can't throw up.
00:32:36That just means you're ready for office.
00:32:37But I tell you what, if you need to do that, go find the trash can.
00:32:38Okay, sugar?
00:32:39Alright.
00:32:40Okay, girls, it's about go-to time.
00:32:42Now remember, this is for charity, so suck them in and stick them out!
00:32:46Hey, T!
00:32:47Oh, my God!
00:32:48You're in that purple little writer!
00:32:49Who died and made you grand poobah?
00:32:50Oh, my God!
00:32:51I'm so nervous.
00:32:52I'm so nervous.
00:32:53I'm so nervous.
00:32:54I can't throw up.
00:32:55I'm so nervous.
00:32:56I can't throw up.
00:32:57That just means you're ready for office.
00:32:58But I tell you what, if you need to do that, go find the trash can.
00:33:00Okay, sugar?
00:33:01Alright.
00:33:02Okay, girls, it's about go-to time.
00:33:03Now remember, this is for charity, so suck them in and stick them out!
00:33:04Hey, T!
00:33:05Oh, my God!
00:33:06Now get my hand-
00:33:07Who died and made you grand poobah?
00:33:09Oh, well, speaking of poobah, how about this, Queenie?
00:33:11I had to discover you and Kitchity in the smut magazines, huh?
00:33:14Well, they're okay.
00:33:15Have a good time.
00:33:16Oh, when I get my hand-
00:33:17Oh!
00:33:18On him.
00:33:19Oh, I bet you're nesting in there.
00:33:20You come out right now!
00:33:21Oh!
00:33:22You lost your mind!
00:33:26Oh, my life, you lost your-
00:33:27Oh, damn it!
00:33:28Look at that perfect little hideout right there, huh?
00:33:31You come out right now and face me-
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:34Ah!
00:33:35Oh!
00:33:36Oh!
00:33:37Oh!
00:33:38Oh!
00:33:39Oh!
00:33:40Oh!
00:33:41Ah!
00:33:42Ah!
00:33:43Ah!
00:33:44Where are you?
00:33:45You're gonna pay for this!
00:33:47Ah!
00:33:48Back of you!
00:33:49Fucking giddy!
00:33:51You are gonna get up out of that chair like a man and face me like a man, you little purple
00:33:57rag wearing the gypsy cab driving son of a bitch!
00:34:00Yeah, there you old piece of coal!
00:34:02Your white sheets are showing!
00:34:03What are you doing with my Elaine, huh?
00:34:05Oh!
00:34:06Time out!
00:34:07Ah!
00:34:08You stay out of this!
00:34:09Hey, at least someone around here can still taste the pipe!
00:34:10Oh!
00:34:11You little pecker!
00:34:12You look like the grimace of stock ring!
00:34:13You dress like a hate crime!
00:34:14You were nothing but backup talent!
00:34:15Oh, yeah!
00:34:16Well, no matter how much you paint that lighting guy, that wig always looks fake!
00:34:19Oh, really?
00:34:20Well, huh?
00:34:21I'll tell you, you're a tough guy, huh?
00:34:22What do you think about this, huh?
00:34:23Stop it!
00:34:24Yeah?
00:34:25Yeah, you like that?
00:34:26You don't like that?
00:34:27I'm gonna keep pushing there, huh?
00:34:28What do you think about that, huh?
00:34:29Does a real man steal another man's wife?
00:34:31And Jackie, you get out of here!
00:34:33I swear, if you screw up this gig for me tonight, I will wire brush your saggy old man balls
00:34:38until you crap your Depends!
00:34:40Do you get me, Fontaine?
00:34:42No!
00:34:43You don't talk to me that way!
00:34:44Ex-wife or no ex-wife!
00:34:45You're a has-been, Fontaine!
00:34:47Now and forevermore!
00:34:49I'm just getting started, you understand?
00:34:51You little purple piece of crap, huh?
00:35:12So, I'm really nervous.
00:35:17What about you?
00:35:18I don't get nervous.
00:35:20I'm a dancer.
00:35:21Really?
00:35:22You don't get nervous?
00:35:24Look, this is my me time before the show.
00:35:27If you're looking to make friends, why don't you take your little lesbian dyke bag and your hairy little legs
00:35:33and go down the street and try the local dyke bar.
00:35:36I'll even give you a topic.
00:35:38Power tools.
00:35:40No, I don't know what your problem is with me, but I've been really nice to you and everyone here.
00:35:47I mean, we're here for charity!
00:35:49Reality check, honey.
00:35:51I don't do charity.
00:35:53Butch the bookie junior owns the casino and he made a deal with Jackie and KK and all of Vegas for this pageant.
00:36:01So you see, I can't lose.
00:36:03So you see, this pageant isn't really about charity loses.
00:36:09It's about winners.
00:36:11And that would be me.
00:36:12You think I can't do this?
00:36:16Think again, because I can!
00:36:18And I'm gonna show you!
00:36:20I'll show all of you!
00:36:22Then you might want to shave your upper lip toots.
00:36:25Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:36:32You all think I can't do this?
00:36:34Well, I can.
00:36:35I'm gonna show you all!
00:36:37Hey!
00:36:38What's wrong?
00:36:39Look what they did to you.
00:36:53This is it!
00:36:54Oh!
00:36:55Oh!
00:36:56Oh!
00:36:57Oh!
00:36:58Hello, Jackie!
00:36:59Ha ha ha ha!
00:37:00I was just looking for something.
00:37:01Oh really?
00:37:02Yes.
00:37:03Hello, Jackie.
00:37:09I was just looking for something.
00:37:12Oh, really?
00:37:13Yes.
00:37:14What'd you lose?
00:37:17I was looking for a condom.
00:37:23Really?
00:37:25I thought maybe we could find a use for it.
00:37:30Call me Mrs. Robinson.
00:37:33Oh, Mrs. Robinson.
00:37:38Coo-coo-coo.
00:37:40Oh, well, it's getting done.
00:37:41I bet you do.
00:37:43Let me tell you something, baby.
00:37:45You're going to take a Jackie ride.
00:37:48Oh, it's an e-ticket.
00:37:50Yeah.
00:37:51Oh, all right, Jackie.
00:37:53All right, Jackie.
00:37:54Oh, but first.
00:37:57But first, let me prepare the moon for you, okay?
00:38:02Come on.
00:38:02Here, touch me.
00:38:04There you go, yeah.
00:38:05Here.
00:38:06Oh, yeah.
00:38:07Oh, okay.
00:38:08Okay.
00:38:08Let me prepare something, okay?
00:38:10Yes, Jackie, prepare.
00:38:11Come with me.
00:38:12Come with me, okay?
00:38:14I know you've been waiting for this.
00:38:15You know you wanted it.
00:38:17Let me put some music on first.
00:38:19Take power.
00:38:20Take power.
00:38:20Take power.
00:38:21Oh, no, no, no.
00:38:24Oh, no, no.
00:38:25It's almost there.
00:38:26Hold on a second.
00:38:26Take power.
00:38:27Oh, Jackie.
00:38:28Take power.
00:38:29Oh, my seal, Jackie.
00:38:43What the?
00:38:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:50Joey.
00:38:50Jackie.
00:38:52Jackie.
00:38:53Jackie.
00:38:55That might be their own clothes.
00:38:58Oh my God!
00:39:00No!
00:39:01What? What did you say?
00:39:02That wasn't me!
00:39:03Oh my God!
00:39:04That wasn't me!
00:39:05No!
00:39:06No!
00:39:07Brittany!
00:39:08Brittany, this is not what it looks like.
00:39:10No, not at all.
00:39:11I was not teaching that snatch lesson.
00:39:15What?
00:39:16Shut up, you little man.
00:39:18No, you know what I'm telling you.
00:39:19I think I'm going to be sick.
00:39:25I don't know.
00:39:26This is the last three hours.
00:39:28If you win one expert, you'll give me a new gift.
00:39:34Finally!
00:39:36Just tell me this.
00:39:38I'm here.
00:39:40Where is our old man?
00:39:42Look at this.
00:39:43This isn't the last one today.
00:39:46I'll give money for a drink.
00:39:48I'm going to get 60.
00:39:50One expert!
00:39:51How much you are.
00:39:55Oh, not in here.
00:39:56That's a brand new carpet I got.
00:39:57No, no, no, no.
00:39:59That's your restaurant.
00:40:01Now look.
00:40:02Okay, you know.
00:40:03That's it.
00:40:04No more dance moves.
00:40:06Mom, you're sick in the head!
00:40:08No, I did it all for you!
00:40:09Mom, the 60s are over!
00:40:10No, I did it all for you!
00:40:12Brittany!
00:40:13It was all for you!
00:40:15Brittany!
00:40:16Are you okay?
00:40:17I've been better, though!
00:40:18Huh?
00:40:19That was sarcasm.
00:40:20Oh.
00:40:21Well, hey.
00:40:22I got somebody here that wants to talk to you.
00:40:24Oh, I bet they do.
00:40:25Oh.
00:40:26That was sarcasm.
00:40:27Oh.
00:40:28Right.
00:40:29I'm learning.
00:40:30Okay.
00:40:31So, someone wants to thank you for all your hard work.
00:40:34What?
00:40:35Who wants what?
00:40:36Go on, Ruby.
00:40:37Tell her what you told me.
00:40:38No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:40No.
00:40:41No.
00:40:42No.
00:40:43No.
00:40:44No.
00:40:45No.
00:40:46No.
00:40:47No.
00:40:48No.
00:40:49No.
00:40:50No.
00:40:51No.
00:40:52No.
00:40:53No.
00:40:54No.
00:40:55So, Jake.
00:40:56Tell her what you told me.
00:40:57Well, the other day I was over at Jackie's house doing yard work as he has me do when
00:41:02I got a touch of the heat stroke and fell into the pool.
00:41:05But luckily, I had one of your bags, which I use as a flotation device.
00:41:10Oh, I screamed for hours and hours, but no one could hear me.
00:41:14I think Jackie had the television on too long.
00:41:16If it wasn't for the Roman noodles and the water purifier kit, I would have surely drowned.
00:41:21Oh.
00:41:22Are you okay?
00:41:23Hope you're okay.
00:41:24I think so. After I got a bit of strength back, I kicked my legs like one of the Rockettes and made it out.
00:41:32You saved my life. You and your wonderful bags.
00:41:35Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Wow.
00:41:40Well, I'll leave you two kids alone now. Time for me to go take a delicious bowel movement.
00:41:47Good luck, Ruby.
00:41:48Oh my gosh.
00:41:49Thanks for reminding me why I got into this pageant in the first place.
00:41:56Well, that's not all.
00:42:05Oh, I mean, thanks for this and for bringing me home.
00:42:11Well, I thought someone might have forgotten about their most beautiful feature.
00:42:18Oh my God, their boobs?
00:42:19No, their heart.
00:42:22Oh.
00:42:26You play?
00:42:29Oh, yeah. I mean, I play a little. Mostly I play guitar.
00:42:33But you work for that kitschy OTB creep. You don't look like L.A. Trash. What's your deal?
00:42:39Well, first of all, thank you for the compliment. And second, that's a good question. I mean, I was an intern on his show when he had a show.
00:42:50Oh, wow.
00:42:52You could say I work for him, but mostly I'm an actor.
00:42:55That takes a lot of guts to move out to L.A. and...
00:42:58There's nothing more gratifying than filling the world's hearts with joy.
00:43:01I know I'm not a big star or anything, and I probably never will be one, but I got into this game to fill those hearts with joy.
00:43:10And if I have to prop up a glutton and a drunk to do it, then so be it.
00:43:15I mean, I'm sure one day your dream will come true, and when it does, people will fall in love with the real thing.
00:43:22Oh.
00:43:23When there's nothing left to say
00:43:28Well, the good time is over
00:43:32Then I'll be on my way
00:43:36But I'll come around swinging
00:43:39When the fire's all burned down
00:43:43It's hard to believe in love
00:43:47So never let your car down
00:43:51Cause I'll come back swinging
00:43:54You walk, you talk like you've been around
00:43:58Way down, oh, I can feel it
00:44:02You scream, you shout, you let it out
00:44:06Make me a believer
00:44:08How many lies do we have to hide
00:44:13When two walls don't make it wide
00:44:16How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:20Till I get you, too, you and me
00:44:31How many lies do we have to hide
00:44:35When two walls don't make it wide
00:44:38How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:42Till I get you, too, you and me
00:44:49How many times can I say goodbye
00:44:53Sing powwow, babies
00:44:59This was it
00:45:01The night we had worked our asses to the bone for
00:45:04The ladies were all puffed up like people
00:45:07The celebrity judges were in place
00:45:10The lights ablaze and the money was falling out of the sky into our laps
00:45:15Hello, I'm here with Butch Jr., owner of this fine Nevada casino nestled in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip
00:45:23Thanks for joining us tonight, Butch Jr.
00:45:26Thank you so much, and you know what, I'm really glad that you said that we are in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip
00:45:31Because we here at the casino, we're all about heart
00:45:33You know, some folks at home, they might think that we in the casino business are responsible for OTB
00:45:38But I'm here to tell you, and all of them, that is simply not true
00:45:42In fact, this evening, I am going to donate $50,000
00:45:46So not only good looking, but also a giver as well
00:45:49Well, we appreciate that, thanks for joining us
00:45:51Oh, thank you, you are too kind
00:45:53I'm sorry, I don't understand
00:45:55Sing powwow, sing powwow
00:45:57She's got some paperwork to do
00:45:59Hey, sing powwow
00:46:00What are you doing?
00:46:01Good, Jackie, good to see you
00:46:02It's the man of the hour, Mr. Jackie Fontaine himself
00:46:06Pleasure to meet you
00:46:07Yes, it is
00:46:08Nobody can fill up a casino like my buddy Butch here
00:46:12Well, we do aim to please
00:46:14Oh, yeah, hey, speaking of aiming
00:46:15Why don't you learn how to aim a little better when you're in the men's room, huh?
00:46:18Look at my shoes
00:46:19Oh
00:46:20Made you look
00:46:21This guy
00:46:22You stepped right into that
00:46:23But seriously, folks, I kid, I kid all the time
00:46:26We're just trying to kind of clear up a few things
00:46:28I'm just trying to get an interview with Kitchity Katchity tonight
00:46:31You know, we want to hear a little bit more about his condition
00:46:34About the response from the community
00:46:36Oh
00:46:37We also want to know where the proceeds are being
00:46:39Where they're being utilized
00:46:40Oh, of course
00:46:41Yeah, everybody wants to know that
00:46:42And the community
00:46:43We love the community
00:46:44Thank you, community
00:46:45Yeah, yeah
00:46:46You know, I've been trying to get a hold of the OTB people
00:46:48Because we need to know how to put those things to use
00:46:51But they don't want to answer any of their phones or anything
00:46:53I don't know
00:46:54It's like maybe they got like a disconnector or something
00:46:57Like...
00:46:58I've been looking for you, Jackie
00:46:59Oh, I'd say
00:47:00We just wanted to say
00:47:01We just wanted to thank you, you know
00:47:03For all the good work you're doing for the OTB community
00:47:06Oh, well, hey, thanks, guys
00:47:07Yeah, you know, I tell you
00:47:09Rock Golda Strangler
00:47:10I didn't know you were out of jail yet, huh?
00:47:13You too
00:47:14Hey, good to see you guys
00:47:15Hey, hey, butchie
00:47:17Hey, the whole gang's here
00:47:18Come on over
00:47:19Hey, when we heard what you and Kitchity Catchy were doing
00:47:22And, you know, you didn't even contact us
00:47:24And now here you are using the name of the OTB Foundation
00:47:27Yeah, you can understand why we was a little upset with you
00:47:29Thanks to this good woman right here
00:47:31See, she contacted us on behalf of Jackie and Kitchity Catchy in the OTB pageant
00:47:36She explained to us there may have been a little miscommunication between the two parties
00:47:40Yeah
00:47:41Yes
00:47:42I, Sissy Tehran, Miss Nevada, 19...
00:47:48I took it upon myself to contact these fine gentlemen and their little group
00:47:58As the moral authority of this state
00:48:01And with Jackie's blessing and the blessing of Mr...
00:48:05Cat...
00:48:06Tall...
00:48:07Kitchen...
00:48:08The sick purple thing
00:48:10I offer a welcoming hand to this pageant which is based around such a wonderful charity
00:48:16As you may know, I come from a charity-minded family
00:48:20It's the way I was raised and the way I raised my daughter
00:48:23My beautiful little girl contestant number 13
00:48:26Gorgeous kid at that
00:48:28Gorgeous kid at that
00:48:29The lady's not so bad herself
00:48:30In a real class act
00:48:32Oh, stop it!
00:48:33You're too sweet!
00:48:35Oh, and I would like to tell your viewers
00:48:38If anyone thinks that I am with Jackie just to benefit my little girl
00:48:43Well, that is simply a lie
00:48:45Our love is true
00:48:48As a matter of fact, we're engaged
00:48:52And your little TV audience is the first to know
00:49:00Ladies and gentlemen, hello
00:49:02My name is Butch Snyder Jr.
00:49:04And I would like to welcome you to the first annual Jackie Fontaine
00:49:09Kitchidi, Katchidi, Cavalcade of Beauty
00:49:12And Super Spotlight of Talent
00:49:15Celebrity Tribute to the Troops
00:49:17OTB Beauty Pageant Super Show
00:49:20Benefiting of course the Jackie Fontaine OTB Foundation
00:49:24And now, it is my privilege to introduce to you
00:49:26This evening's host
00:49:28The King of Comedy
00:49:30The Man with the Golden Throat
00:49:32Mr. Jackie Fontaine
00:49:34He's Jackie!
00:49:36There she is
00:49:41Who knows what we see
00:49:45Who knows if it's she
00:49:48We just know it might be Miss OTB
00:49:53Miss OTB
00:49:57Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, sing Powwow
00:50:00I'm Jackie Fontaine
00:50:01And thank you very much for being here
00:50:03At the first annual Jackie Fontaine and Kitchidi Katchidi Beauty Pageant
00:50:08To benefit the OTB Foundation
00:50:10But first, let's bring it down
00:50:11Let's center ourselves
00:50:12Remember exactly why we're here
00:50:14Not for glitz, not for glamour, not for glitter
00:50:16We're here because of this horrible disease, OTB
00:50:20That's right
00:50:21I got a phone call from a very, very high profile celebrity
00:50:24A good friend of mine called me and said
00:50:26Jackie
00:50:27I got the OTB
00:50:28And before those damn vultures in the media
00:50:31Pick me apart like
00:50:33Like a Costco rotisserie chicken
00:50:35I want to come out on my own
00:50:37On your program
00:50:38The Up All Night Show
00:50:39And he did
00:50:40And that's where we decided
00:50:41The whole world needs to know about him
00:50:44And ladies and gentlemen
00:50:45That celebrity
00:50:47Is a good friend of mine
00:50:48Kitchidi Katchidi
00:50:49Kitchidi Katchidi
00:50:52Butch
00:50:53Butch, get over here
00:50:54I'm sorry Jackie
00:50:55No, no, no, no, Butch
00:50:56I promise I wouldn't cry
00:50:57You've gotta suck it up
00:50:58You've gotta suck it up
00:50:59Just like your dad did, Butch Senior
00:51:00He does
00:51:01You want a goddamn casino
00:51:02Yes
00:51:03And we're gonna beat OTB together
00:51:04Now you get over there
00:51:05Okay
00:51:06And control yourself
00:51:07But first, ladies and gentlemen
00:51:08A lot of people don't know shit about OTB
00:51:10Okay
00:51:11But you know what?
00:51:12These ladies right here
00:51:13They know everything there is to know about OTB
00:51:16And that's why they're giving up tonight
00:51:19They're giving up their bodies
00:51:21They're giving up their talent
00:51:22They're giving up who knows what else
00:51:24To fight OTB
00:51:26And that's exactly what we're gonna do
00:51:27Because one of these ladies is gonna be crowned
00:51:29Miss OTB
00:51:31And help us stomp out OTB
00:51:34My heart was beating
00:51:35And my palms were sweating
00:51:37I don't know
00:51:38Maybe it was the diet pills
00:51:40Or maybe it was just the fact
00:51:42That I was back in the game, baby
00:51:44The game I love
00:51:46The game I rule
00:51:47The game of entertainment and celebrityism
00:51:50A world filled with fast chicks
00:51:53Loose money and fun
00:51:55It was just a crown away
00:51:58I was tuned in to my machismo
00:52:01Spilling pheromones out of my glands
00:52:04And my entertainment abilities were all heightened to their peak
00:52:08I was ready for a comeback
00:52:11Yet something
00:52:13Something somewhere was pulling at my boxer shorts
00:52:16And it wasn't a groupie this time
00:52:19I couldn't put my finger on it
00:52:21But I did smell the slight aroma of a purple furry little rat
00:52:26But did I listen to my gut?
00:52:28No
00:52:29No, I was too caught up in the excitement
00:52:32I want to tell you that I
00:52:45I think you're looking just fine
00:52:47I want to tell you that I
00:52:50I want you by my side
00:52:52I want you by my side
00:52:53The way you move your body
00:52:55The way I feel inside
00:52:57I want to take you for a ride
00:53:02Wanna be with you
00:53:05Do you want me to?
00:53:08Wanna be with you
00:53:11You're the one that I want
00:53:13You're the one that I need
00:53:15You're the one that I want
00:53:18We can make it tonight
00:53:21If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay
00:53:25Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
00:53:30If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay
00:53:35Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
00:53:40You're the one that I want
00:53:43You're the one that I need
00:53:45You're the one that I want
00:53:48We can make it tonight
00:53:50You're the one that I need
00:53:52You're the one that I need
00:53:55You're the one that I need
00:53:57You're the one that I need
00:53:59We can make it tonight
00:54:02You're the one that I need
00:54:06You're the one that I want
00:54:09We can make it tonight
00:54:39I'm going to do a dance
00:54:50Modern dance
00:54:53I'm going to dance to a song
00:55:00I think you forgot something
00:55:08Forgive me for intruding on their cute little sexually frustrated scene
00:55:19I guess I should always keep my thoughts to myself
00:55:22But you see, the truth is that the brilliant producers of this film
00:55:27Asked me to talk over this cute little scene
00:55:30Because they never secured the rights to the song
00:55:33These two youths are strumming
00:55:35It's a damn shame because they're actually pretty good kids
00:55:39If you like that touchy-feely kind of crap, you know
00:55:42In my day, we would just put the sheet music upside down
00:55:47Ad-lib a few verses
00:55:49And zing-pow-wow, babies
00:55:51No lawyers, no subpoenas
00:55:53Things can get lost in translation
00:55:56But hell, who's listening?
00:55:58And most of the dives I played are filled with sterno bums and bimbos
00:56:02But I digress
00:56:04Oh, well, looks like a little beaver and gaga duet is almost done
00:56:08Hey, let's just keep this between us
00:56:12Oh, yes, yes, yes
00:56:16Oh, that's my little girl
00:56:17Oh, I'm so proud of you, Brittany
00:56:20I don't need this anymore
00:56:22Congratulations
00:56:22Yes, thank you, ladies
00:56:29Oh, aren't they all talented?
00:56:31Fantastic job
00:56:32Well, ladies and gentlemen
00:56:33As in all beauty pageants
00:56:34That time has come in this evening
00:56:37For us to have our very first elimination in this period
00:56:41Who will it be, huh?
00:56:43Big drum roll, ladies and gentlemen
00:56:46Aha
00:56:47Our first contestant to be eliminated tonight
00:56:51Oh, is number 13
00:56:53Brittany
00:56:55Thank you, Brittany
00:56:57You can go ahead and go off
00:57:00Right over there
00:57:01Now, ladies and gentlemen
00:57:03You see how easy that was?
00:57:05All you have to do
00:57:06Is be one notch below
00:57:08And you're out
00:57:09But that's not gonna happen to you
00:57:11Now, the next one is
00:57:14The hula hoop contest
00:57:16You know, the things I do for people
00:57:25God damn it
00:57:27Fuck me
00:57:27You know, you got that money?
00:57:29Yes, Jackie
00:57:30Oh, good, good, good
00:57:31I'm a
00:57:31That's my girl
00:57:33You know, that son of a bitch
00:57:34That purple little rag
00:57:35I know he's up to something
00:57:36Because I got the OTP people
00:57:38So far up my ass
00:57:40I can taste their cheap cologne
00:57:41But, you know, it's okay
00:57:43It's okay
00:57:44You know why, sweetheart?
00:57:46Because we got the monies, huh?
00:57:49Yes, Jackie?
00:57:51That's right, yeah
00:57:52I knew I could count on you, Ruby, huh?
00:57:55What?
00:57:55Jackie!
00:57:56Are you insane?
00:57:57Rockle the Strangler is out there
00:57:59If this blows up in our face, Jackie
00:58:01You're on your own
00:58:02I'm a respectable man in the community
00:58:04You're good, I know, okay?
00:58:05I promise you, Butch, I'll take care of it, okay?
00:58:07Don't worry
00:58:08Don't touch it, Sue
00:58:09You've got five minutes
00:58:10To get out there and fix it, Jackie
00:58:11I'll do it for that
00:58:12I'll do it two and a half minutes
00:58:13Do it!
00:58:14Okay!
00:58:14Jesus Christ, what the hell?
00:58:16I'll tell you what
00:58:17This is the kind of shit
00:58:18That's gonna get us up there
00:58:20Yes, what I tell you about this
00:58:22Kid is full all the time
00:58:23Yes, Chef
00:58:24Listen to them out there
00:58:26I love you, you
00:58:27Shit is bad
00:58:28Hey, everybody, I'm Marshall
00:58:32This is a song I just wrote
00:58:34About someone I met
00:58:35Britney, I want you to know
00:59:04That I am so proud of you
00:59:05You are the best thing
00:59:07That ever happened to me
00:59:09And it doesn't matter
00:59:11How pretty you are
00:59:12Or where you end up in life
00:59:14The woman you are inside
00:59:17Is all that matters
00:59:18Oh, Mom!
00:59:22She's my pride and my joy
00:59:27Joe!
00:59:29Joe, it's Marvin
00:59:30Marvin, your cousin
00:59:32You know that new sound
00:59:34You was looking for?
00:59:35Well, take a listen to this
00:59:37If she'd call out to me
00:59:39Yeah
00:59:39Don't you know I'd be running
00:59:43Well, I'm stumbling
00:59:44Now I'm on my way
00:59:46Oh, what is this?
00:59:52Movie of the week?
00:59:54You little rat
00:59:55Can't you see we're having a moment?
00:59:57Why did you get that bag?
00:59:58Give it to me!
00:59:59Give it to me!
01:00:01I think you better do it
01:00:03Give me that
01:00:06I'll save you
01:00:07Don't worry
01:00:08Oh, you fluffy purple
01:00:10Little purple
01:00:10I'm afraid of you
01:00:11I knew you were up to something
01:00:12You're never gonna get this
01:00:13Hey, don't worry
01:00:14What the fuck do you think you're doing?
01:00:19Oh, you
01:00:20Morty
01:00:22Get him
01:00:24I think that purple thing
01:00:26Is a homosexual
01:00:27Morty
01:00:32Yeah
01:00:32Where the hell is nifty?
01:00:34Oh, uh
01:00:35Yeah, uh
01:00:36The, uh
01:00:38The OTB got
01:00:39What?
01:00:40That OTB got another one
01:00:42I know, boss
01:00:43Wait a minute
01:00:44Yeah?
01:00:44What the hell is that in your pocket?
01:00:46Oh, uh
01:00:47This?
01:00:48Uh, nothing
01:00:49It's just the, uh
01:00:50Morty
01:00:52It's the OTB, boss
01:00:53It's got me
01:00:54I'm sorry
01:00:55The OTB is back
01:00:56No, Morty, please
01:00:58No, no
01:00:59God damn you, Fontaine
01:01:02I see things you never believe
01:01:05You're gonna find
01:01:08Okay
01:01:08Hi
01:01:09Hey, folks
01:01:10Yeah
01:01:10Guess what?
01:01:11It's that moment now
01:01:12That we're gonna
01:01:13We're gonna crown
01:01:14The Mr. OTB
01:01:16Girl, contestants
01:01:17Come out here now
01:01:18It's the moment
01:01:19We've all been waiting for
01:01:21It's all we're gonna
01:01:22Gather round
01:01:23Gather round
01:01:24Gather round
01:01:24All the way
01:01:25All the way
01:01:26Come closer
01:01:26Closer
01:01:27Closer
01:01:27Yes
01:01:27Yeah, you hold this
01:01:29For me, okay
01:01:30Ladies and gentlemen
01:01:31We're gonna now crown
01:01:32The Miss
01:01:33The Miss
01:01:34Uh
01:01:35OTB
01:01:36Uh
01:01:37Is gonna be
01:01:39Uh
01:01:40Sparkles
01:01:41Congratulations, everybody
01:01:44Way to go, baby
01:01:45Sparkles
01:01:46Yes
01:01:48Oh, no
01:01:48I gotta save Jackie
01:01:49Stay back
01:01:54There's no need for any excitement
01:01:59There's no need for anybody to get hurt
01:02:01Somebody doesn't
01:02:02Give me that money
01:02:03I'm gonna blow this bitch's brains out
01:02:05Oh, no
01:02:05Jack, you're getting the wrong bag
01:02:07Oh, no
01:02:08Marshall
01:02:10Oh, Brittany
01:02:12Sometimes a woman has got to stand up for her man
01:02:15We need a weapon
01:02:16Oh
01:02:17Oh
01:02:17Oh
01:02:18Oh
01:02:18Oh
01:02:19I
01:02:19I
01:02:19I
01:02:19I
01:02:20I
01:02:21I
01:02:21I
01:02:21I
01:02:21I
01:02:22I
01:02:22I
01:02:22I
01:02:23I
01:02:23I
01:02:24I
01:02:25I
01:02:25I
01:02:26I
01:02:27I
01:02:28I
01:02:29I
01:02:30I
01:02:31I
01:02:32I
01:02:33I
01:02:34I
01:02:34I
01:02:34I
01:02:34I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:35I
01:02:36I know this looks bad
01:02:37But this isn't you
01:02:38This is the OTB talking
01:02:40Am I right?
01:02:42I
01:02:43I
01:02:44I was doing so good
01:02:45Yeah
01:02:45You were doing great
01:02:47And then
01:02:47You got into this casino
01:02:49With all the lights
01:02:50And the sound
01:02:50And it brought you back
01:02:52You just got a little lost
01:02:53All the lights
01:02:55They sounded so pretty
01:02:57Yeah
01:02:58You just got a little lost
01:03:00I don't
01:03:01I don't
01:03:02I don't
01:03:02Hey who's dick do I have to suck to get my dick shot?
01:03:28Not now
01:03:29Lazy
01:03:29Hello lover
01:03:39Believe it or not
01:03:43I'm letting you go
01:03:45Even though I was the one
01:03:48Who was talking to the OTB people
01:03:50And I was the one talking to the others
01:03:54Pumping them
01:03:55And pumping you for answers to your true motives
01:04:00Still
01:04:02I wouldn't want anyone locking you up in a cage
01:04:06Why would I do that?
01:04:08I can't have you
01:04:10We don't belong to each other
01:04:12People don't belong to other people
01:04:14A free spirit
01:04:17A wild thing
01:04:19A tough guy like you
01:04:21All you need are garbage cans and rats galore
01:04:26So scram
01:04:28Go
01:04:29Get out of here
01:04:31Go
01:04:31You're just chicken
01:04:35That's all
01:04:36You got no guts
01:04:38You're afraid someone is going to lock you in that cage
01:04:42Well baby
01:04:44You are already in that cage
01:04:46And it's a cage you built yourself
01:04:48And your cage isn't west by Tupola, Texas
01:04:52Or east of Somaliland
01:04:54No
01:04:55It's wherever you go
01:04:57Because no matter where you go
01:05:00You always end up running right back into yourself
01:05:03Ow!
01:05:18Well kids here we are
01:05:31Like I said in the beginning
01:05:32I'd work my way backwards
01:05:34Well now you know as much as I do
01:05:36How greed, narcissism, nepotism, womanism
01:05:40Took our little plan down to its knees
01:05:43Oh Uncle Jackie can blame himself for letting it blow up
01:05:47But the mastermind of deceit is that little purple coated pubic hair
01:05:51Kitchity-catchity
01:05:52You see I thought I was free, white, twenty-one
01:05:55Money in hand and my genitals still in working order
01:05:58But the fat lady ain't sung yet you see
01:06:01I should have seen it coming
01:06:04That is what she said
01:06:06He did it again to me
01:06:08I messed myself good
01:06:10When that little sock puppet ambushed me on the way to Mexico
01:06:13Popping up in my backseat
01:06:15Sticking his filthy gun in my good air
01:06:17He was never, ever gonna share any of anything with me
01:06:22Just like before
01:06:23I should have known
01:06:24All right you little fucking purple faggot
01:06:27Sing powwow this motherfucker
01:06:54All right you have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have
01:07:24No, not you!
01:07:42Zingapal, baby!
01:07:54There goes the neighborhood.
01:08:24You know, I'm his mother.
01:08:30You know, me and Mr. K didn't always see eye to eye, but the morning that he died, I went
01:08:39out and got him a racing ticket one last time.
01:08:44And you know what?
01:08:47It's a winner.
01:08:51So, he went out a winner.
01:08:57I just sleep at night thinking about my poor Jack.
01:09:00Oh look at that prison cell.
01:09:03No one can oodle with, no one can kiss his head, apply his creams, he needs his creams.
01:09:08Oh, Jacky, you need your creams, baby, Jacky, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
01:09:15He has wings and creams on his car, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
01:09:21I mean...
01:09:22Well, we're still trying to get over it.
01:09:23Oh yeah, absolutely.
01:09:24People and the media, of course, have just tarnished our name, we look so bad and we're just, we're
01:09:31really trying to work through it and come out looking on better and on top.
01:09:35I mean, I just can't believe that happened, that's...
01:09:37That's so awful.
01:09:38It's not who we are.
01:09:39Exactly.
01:09:40Like, we're way better than that.
01:09:41Exactly.
01:09:42We're, we're really nice people.
01:09:44So nice.
01:09:45I don't understand.
01:09:46I don't know.
01:09:47I don't get into that.
01:09:48Sadly, Sparkles and I broke up the next week.
01:09:55I really hope it works out for them.
01:09:58May they burn in hell for what they did.
01:10:02And so, I wrote a book about it.
01:10:05Revenge is sweet.
01:10:07Yeah!
01:10:08Christmas!
01:10:09Jackie's like, chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe.
01:10:11You can never get rid of him.
01:10:12Yeah, that's right.
01:10:13The more you pull, the more he sticks to you.
01:10:16Jackie will always make a comeback.
01:10:18And we'll be right there with you.
01:10:19Yeah, we'll be there.
01:10:20I'll be there as long as we can.
01:10:21You know there's an old saying, scared money never wins.
01:10:25But I tell you, stupid money, is your son and I will be right there.
01:10:31And you can never get rid of him.
01:10:33And you can never get rid of him.
01:10:34You can never get rid of him.
01:10:36Yeah, that's right.
01:10:37You can never get rid of him.
01:10:38The more you pull, the more he sticks to you.
01:10:42Jackie will always make a comeback.
01:10:43And we'll be right there with you.
01:10:44Yeah, we'll be there.
01:10:45Stupid money is an entirely different subject, and these two wrote the book on stupid.
01:10:50You know, kitschity-catchy, which camera are we on?
01:10:52Fuck you, and fuck you, Jackie. Fuck all of you.
01:10:58Thank you, good afternoon. My name is Detective Johnson.
01:11:01I'm from the crime scene unit.
01:11:03This is where we found the vehicle, a Lincoln Continental.
01:11:07We believe there was a struggle inside the car
01:11:10that caused the car to go off the road and flip over.
01:11:15Mr. Catchity was thrown from the vehicle.
01:11:19Mr. Fontaine, on a trail of blood, we believe,
01:11:23crawled through where the front window would have been.
01:11:26This was not unusual. What was unusual
01:11:29was the impressions of a woman's high-heeled stiletto footprints
01:11:34all over where the body would have been.
01:11:37But when we found Mr. Fontaine, we believe from the state he was in,
01:11:40and obviously the brutality of this crime scene,
01:11:45we believe Mr. Catchity, uh, Mr. Fontaine,
01:11:50killed and ate Mr. Catchity.
01:11:54Are you going on? You don't know?
01:12:11That's not a dead cop.
01:12:13You don't know who you're dealing with, huh?
01:12:18I'm taking him with me.
01:12:20I don't know, Muppet.
01:12:26Back down!
01:12:46So...
01:12:49Monkey, if I have to show you that one more time...
01:12:54Daddy, how do you come up with that stuff? I've heard that a million times.
01:12:57As a matter of fact, remember the time I was talking about Betty and her gout?
01:13:03You know, when Betty come over and she popped something on her foot...
01:13:08Murderer!
01:13:09I didn't know if she was having a period.
01:13:11You killed Kitchity Kitchity!
01:13:14You killed Kitchity Kitchity!
01:13:17You killed Kitchity Kitchity!
01:13:22You left him in the desert to die!
01:13:24Listen here, pal. You better keep your mouth shut.
01:13:27You understand?
01:13:28Okay?
01:13:29You left wing, Fudge, back in Halloween!
01:13:32No, no, no!
01:13:33You son of a bitch!
01:13:34No!
01:13:35No!
01:13:50What's happened to me?
01:13:51What have I become?
01:13:54Come oh my god
01:14:00Sorry guys
01:14:08Oh, hey hey hey sing pow wow Jackie Fontaine here. Hey, welcome to my new humble abode
01:14:16Okay, we're downsizing, you know, that's the best way to go. That's what we you know that the corporate people do it all the time
01:14:22I learned my lesson. Okay, we're downsizing and and and outsourcing and all that stuff matter matter of fact
01:14:28I got my very own telemarketer
01:14:31Man boy right here Julio say hello Julio. Oh, I don't know if he said blow me a hello
01:14:38Goodbye or whatever, but I you know I'm learning he's teaching me. I'm teaching him, you know, hey el morocco
01:14:48Anyways, we're gonna be back in Vegas. We're gonna be everywhere as me
01:14:52You need to get that out of there. Okay
01:14:54Anyways, you know, um, would you put that preparation each way to Jesus Christ? Anyways, uh, I tell you help nowadays
01:15:02You know, you can't buy help. You can't get help you. I'll tell you what speaking of help. I
01:15:09Would you be quiet back there? It's my moment. I
01:15:13Sure do miss my little pal
01:15:16Kitchity catchity
01:15:18I'll tell you what that little guy. He brought so much joy to my life
01:15:22God rest his soul
01:15:24But you know, he'd want us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and continue on and that's what we're gonna do. Okay?
01:15:30All right
01:15:31See you later Julio. Let me show you how it's work. We got to start putting this shit back together. Okay? Okay, put them pinatas in the place
01:15:38Ah, yeah
01:15:40Oh
01:15:42Oh
01:15:44Oh
01:15:46Oh
01:15:52Oh
01:15:54Hey
01:15:56Oh, hey
01:15:58See pow wow your old uncle jackie
01:16:00You know as long as I've been in show business
01:16:02Well a night like this is a very difficult because unfortunately this is uncle jackie's last and final show
01:16:11I know I know but don't worry
01:16:14Don't worry
01:16:16Old uncle jackie will get by somehow. You know, I'm like one of them old dirty panties. I mean
01:16:21Pennies
01:16:22I'm gonna show up somewhere that you know it
01:16:25But you know before they pull the plug on your uncle jackie here. I want to share something for you
01:16:31Okay, I got a letter from a fan
01:16:34And this fan calls themselves my number one fan and I believe him
01:16:40I'd like to read this letter to you
01:16:44Dear Jackie
01:16:45I'm just a small town kid from one of those
01:16:49Crappy countries
01:16:51We don't get much like you big shots out here
01:16:54In America
01:16:56But the goulash ain't bad
01:16:59But when I watch you on TV doing one of your live from Las Vegas shows
01:17:06It makes me feel like I could be someone
01:17:08You inspired me to dream
01:17:13And I know this is your very last show but could you sing the Busta Guy theme song one last time
01:17:22Signs, best regards
01:17:25Your biggest fan
01:17:27Why couldn't all of you out there take a lesson from that? True fan?
01:17:31True fan
01:17:33Well, I'll tell you what number one fan
01:17:34It's been a while
01:17:36I'm gonna do my best
01:17:38Yeah, could you put the cue card up there?
01:17:39Good
01:17:40Okay, here we go
01:17:42Who's that cat
01:17:44Roughing up that chump?
01:17:47Who's that dick
01:17:49Beating down a pimp?
01:17:51Who's that dude kicking ass on the fly?
01:17:56Watch out
01:17:58It's Busta Guy
01:18:01Busta Guy
01:18:03Private Eye
01:18:05He's that cat in disguise
01:18:08Busta Guy
01:18:10Private Eye
01:18:11Kiss him off and say bye bye
01:18:21Busta Guy
01:18:23Private Eye
01:18:25He's the cat that'll kill you high
01:18:28Watch out
01:18:29Bang Bang
01:18:30It's Busta Guy
01:18:32Busta Guy
01:18:36Get over here
01:18:40Yes
01:18:41Yes
01:18:43You know, I was thinking
01:18:45Were you?
01:18:46Well, yeah, I guess I was too
01:18:49The whole thing was just stupid
01:18:54Yeah, it was
01:18:55Beneath us really
01:18:56Yeah, it was
01:18:57We've had a lot of things beneath us, huh?
01:18:58Just dumb
01:19:00Yeah, it was
01:19:02It was pretty dumb
01:19:04Stupid
01:19:06Yeah
01:19:28Oh, yeah
01:19:29I'm sorry, it was
01:19:33I've had a lot of things beneath us, huh?
01:19:35I've had a lot of things HI
01:19:36And I linked to this community
01:19:37It's really good
01:19:38But there's a lot of things with it
01:19:39It's really good
01:19:40Yeah
01:19:42Oh, yeah, it's really good
01:19:43And I didn't see it
01:19:44It's really good
01:19:45It's really good
01:19:46Yeah, it's really good
01:19:47And I feedback
01:19:49You made a lot of things
01:19:50It was really good
01:19:51It was really bad
01:19:52You made a lot of things
01:19:54I wanna tell you that I, I think you're looking just fine
01:20:00I wanna tell you that I, I want you by my side
01:20:06The way you move your body, the way I feel inside
01:20:10I wanna take you for a ride
01:20:13Wanna be with you, do you want me to?
01:20:20Wanna be with you
01:20:23You're the one that I want
01:20:26You're the one that I need
01:20:28You're the one that I want
01:20:31We can make it tonight
01:20:34If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay
01:20:37Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
01:20:43If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay
01:20:48Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way
01:20:53You're the one that I want
01:20:55You're the one that I need
01:20:58You're the one that I want
01:21:00We can make it tonight
01:21:03You're the one that I want
01:21:05You're the one that I need
01:21:08You're the one that I want
01:21:10You're the one that I want
01:21:12You're the one that I need
01:21:17You're the one that I need
01:21:19You're the one that I want
01:21:22We can make it tonight
01:21:25You're the one that I want
01:21:27You're the one that I need
01:21:28You're the one that I want
01:21:32We can make it tonight
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