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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:17Can you pack it in with a harpsichord?
00:19We know what century it is.
00:21Charming.
00:22Right, weird one.
00:24No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:28Come on, you know who you are.
00:29You're all of you.
00:31I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:33because the date on the arse-wiping newspaper
00:35is still the same date as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:40What is the problem?
00:41I don't see the point of it.
00:43Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:46What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:49Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:51and you go to the special room for doing a shit
00:53and someone's in there already?
00:54Well, you just have to wait.
00:56Wait? To do a shit?
00:58How is this a step forward?
01:00Answer, it isn't.
01:02It's worse.
01:03We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
01:05and then hurling them out the window.
01:07But imagine if everyone did that.
01:09I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:11Everyone does do that.
01:12It's called London.
01:13But this flush technology is so exciting.
01:16It's the future.
01:17Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:20and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:23Why is that good?
01:24Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:25Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:27Look, don't fixate on the splashing.
01:29I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:30What's good is that when you've finished,
01:33you pull the handle and the shit just goes.
01:36Forever.
01:37You don't have to worry about it.
01:38I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window.
01:40I don't give it another thought.
01:41No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road.
01:45It's in the river.
01:46Where the poor people go to wash.
01:48Yes, but you're missing the point.
01:50Fuck them.
01:51We have a nice tidy house.
01:52Not really.
01:53There's still piss everywhere.
01:55But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:57What?
01:58You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want to piss.
02:02For a piss?
02:03We're supposed to go in there whenever we want to piss.
02:06Like, every time.
02:07It's just not workable.
02:09You go in the room, you come out of the room.
02:11I have other things to do.
02:13And how do you piss in there anyway?
02:15You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:18Because what's going to happen?
02:19Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:22That's basically all they're for, isn't it?
02:24Soak up the piss?
02:25You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:28You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:33Oh, that was creepy.
02:34Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:39What kind of future are you imagining?
02:41One full of witches and no shit.
02:44In what single way would that be better?
02:47Hmm?
02:55Hi.
03:02Don't need a tray for the case.
03:04Um, sorry?
03:05Don't need a tray for the case.
03:06Um, don't need a tray for the case!
03:09Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear.
03:11Case in the tray.
03:12Oh, but then...
03:13Case in the tray.
03:14Yes.
03:15In a tray.
03:16In a tray.
03:17Yes.
03:17Case in the tray.
03:18Shoes off.
03:23Oh.
03:24Should I take my shoes off?
03:25No.
03:29Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:31In the tray?
03:32Yes.
03:33Yeah.
03:35Is that switched off?
03:37Yeah.
03:37Is it?
03:38Um, I don't...
03:40Oh, I turned it on now.
03:43On?
03:43It can't be on.
03:44You're trying to crash the aeroplane.
03:46No.
03:46Off.
03:47Yeah, sorry.
03:47What are you doing?
03:50I'm taking my belt off.
03:52Who told you to strip?
03:53Sorry, sometimes...
03:54Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:56Sorry.
03:57You can smell your socks.
03:59You're so sweaty.
04:00Sorry, I...
04:01I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
04:04You look very shifty and guilty.
04:06Yes.
04:07Sorry.
04:08Do we need the case after this?
04:09Passport ready?
04:10Yes.
04:10Get your passport ready.
04:11Yes.
04:11Passport ready!
04:12Passport!
04:13Get your passport!
04:14Passport ready!
04:15Get your passport ready!
04:16Have you got your passport?
04:18Is it ready?
04:19What's it you doing?
04:20Look at that, man.
04:21Leave it.
04:22Leave it.
04:22Move it on.
04:23Where is it?
04:24Is it in the tray?
04:24Yes.
04:25You're right.
04:26You're right.
04:27You're right.
04:28You're right.
04:29Previously on Swearie Aussie Drama.
04:35Fucking fuck, fuckface.
04:37What the fuck's going on?
04:39One cock sucking minute with one fucking number and the fucking next with a fucking other.
04:44You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick.
04:47Fuck off, you smelly old asshole.
04:49I've cocked up fucking fuck all.
04:51Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock.
04:53Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick, or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:58If you're still drawing breath, I don't want your cunt fucking farm, you dozy old twat.
05:11Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm, you dick-breath old prick?
05:16Fuck yeah, and I'd tell him a fucking gen and fuck him up the ass for fucking free.
05:21He cocked up the count.
05:23I've fucking kept this fucking farm together by the skin of my fucking teeth,
05:28and I'll beat seven shades of shit out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface in the fucking place
05:35before I let you give it a fucking way!
05:43I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:48For fuck's sake.
05:49For crying out fuck!
05:51This is my fucking farm!
05:54Welcome to the fucking family.
05:56A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
06:12It's a symbol.
06:14Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:22It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:34Four sliding wheels.
06:42Five levels of readjustable handles.
06:45I know.
06:47We won't put it on the line.
06:48We won't put it on the line.
06:49We'll put it on the line.
06:50Why would you say okay?
06:51This is my fucking foot.
06:52We'll put it on the line.
06:53A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
06:54Cannon-eyed the suitcase.
07:08It will fuck you up.
07:12If we had the budget, then that sketch would be about cars, wouldn't it?
07:17So the car goes past, everyone goes, wow.
07:20Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars.
07:21It wouldn't be an exaggeration, because that's literally what they'd do.
07:25Like, you'd be amazed at a Mazda. Really?
07:27Maybe if you time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:29but otherwise it's just a normal car, isn't it?
07:31And if you've time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:33you've just seen the inside of a time machine,
07:36which would also totally recontextualise the Mazda
07:38as comparatively mundane.
07:40Mm. They are good, though.
07:43What, Mazdas?
07:44No, just all normal cars now are much better than they used to be.
07:47I mean, just in terms of defrosting.
07:48You know, it's 1991, and you're getting into your second-hand
07:52Datsun cherry on a cold and frosty morning.
07:54That is half an hour of intense shit.
07:57Scraping it, spraying it with cans of poison,
08:00kicking it, blowing on it, begging the fucking thing to go.
08:03You're just so old.
08:05This is like an oral history project.
08:08You're like a historical person telling us about the Spitting Jenny.
08:11Yes.
08:12I'm old enough to remember when crisp packets had little windows in
08:15so you could see the crisps inside.
08:17Was good.
08:18Yeah, the crisp packets was good, but, you know,
08:19not the dog shit, the racism or the cars.
08:22You could literally see the crisps you were going to get
08:25rather than an idealised representation of them.
08:27So if there were too many that were a little bit green round the edges,
08:30you could just move on.
08:31What? Crisp used to be green on the edge?
08:33Britain, some of them, yes.
08:34Not most, but a few.
08:36Would you eat them anyways?
08:37Invariably.
08:43Is it...
08:44Is it OK to come through?
08:46Are you ready?
08:47Come on, sir, we've got a lot of people waiting.
08:49It's not all about you.
08:50Right.
08:50Wait!
08:52Come on, then!
08:55No, no, no, no, no.
08:56Go back, go back, go back, go back.
08:57No, no, no.
08:58No.
08:58Do it like this, with a wiggle.
09:03Ignore the beep, it's because I've got a gun.
09:05Come on, then!
09:07What are you doing?
09:11Ricky told me if it's on you go.
09:14Hat!
09:15Hat!
09:16Hat!
09:17Oh, yeah, sorry.
09:19Sorry.
09:21Trey!
09:21Trey!
09:22Trey!
09:23Trey!
09:23Trey!
09:24Yes.
09:25Wait!
09:26Come on, then!
09:30Watch.
09:31Oh, sorry.
09:32Watch.
09:33Yeah, my bad.
09:34Give it to me.
09:35That's fine, now.
09:41Have a lovely flight.
09:43Oh, thank you.
09:44Body pass!
09:45Ah!
09:46Body pass!
09:47Ah!
09:47Ah!
09:48Ah!
09:48Ah!
09:48And I was eight years old, and I suppose I realised, that's it.
10:02He's not coming back.
10:04My dad's not coming back.
10:06That must have been a horrible moment.
10:08Well, yeah, it was.
10:12And as I think I've said before, I don't think I've really escaped from that moment.
10:18That must be very difficult.
10:19Yes, it is.
10:24And I suppose I've been hoping that, as I've been coming here every week for the last three years,
10:31that you would, in some way, not cure me, exactly, but, um, okay, cure me.
10:40I mean, tell me what to do in order to feel better.
10:43It's understandable that you would want that.
10:45Well, I do want that.
10:46Of course you do.
10:48But you don't seem to be doing that.
10:50That must be hard.
10:51It is hard.
10:52So, how does it feel when I don't seem to do anything to help you?
10:57It feels shit.
10:59Of course.
11:00Okay, good.
11:02So, I'm going to press you.
11:04I feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain from a combination of what has happened to me and what I'm like.
11:09Well.
11:10And I understand that what I am like may be a product of what has happened to me.
11:13And?
11:14And that some of the things that have happened to me may be because of what I'm like.
11:18Mm-hmm.
11:19Yes, mm.
11:19So, what are you going to do to fix me?
11:22Well, that's not really how we work.
11:25Okay.
11:25If I wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer and I asked them to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and they said that's not really how we work, I wouldn't pay them, would I?
11:38I wouldn't give them £300 and then come back the next week with another £300 and ask them again to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and then keep doing that every week since COVID, constantly contemplating the gaping hole where there should now be a tumble dryer.
11:53It's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer as the analogy because, in a sense, you've been tumble dried, haven't you?
12:05In what sense?
12:07I don't have to back these things up.
12:09I'm just trying to help.
12:11If you're trying to help, tell me what to do so that I feel basically okay most of the time.
12:17What should I do with all my shit?
12:19Well, I suppose if you press me, my advice would be, you know, put it out of your mind.
12:31Put it out of my mind?
12:32Yes.
12:33Put it out of your mind.
12:35When you're thinking about it, just stop and think about something else.
12:41That's it?
12:42I suppose when it comes down to it, yes, that's it.
12:45You just have to put it out of your mind.
12:47I can't.
12:51Really?
12:53You know, just think about something.
12:55Really?
12:57Really.
12:58Really?
12:59Wow.
13:01Okay, then.
13:03Well, in that case, here's someone who can sell you some crack.
13:10Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:21Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:23It was the TV scoop of the decade in which one of the most powerful men in the world, in a sort of soft power sense anyway, was humbled, and the people of Britain got to have a huge guilt-free laugh at a posh twat destroying his life in front of millions.
13:40I have a peculiar medical condition, which is that I don't sweat.
13:48Or I didn't sweat at the time.
13:50It was such a massive deal that the story of how it was achieved had to be told in a drama almost immediately after it had happened.
13:59You could make him look like a dick.
14:01Brilliant idea, Sam.
14:02But that wasn't the end of it, because another channel made a slightly different drama about exactly the same thing.
14:10I'm going to make him look like a dick.
14:13Sam, get us a round of teas and coffees, please.
14:16Right away.
14:18Now, at last, a drama about how those two dramas about how the Prince Andrew interview came to be made has come to be made.
14:25Because what's the alternative? Make up a new story for a drama? I don't think so. That doesn't work.
14:33Everything has got to be based on a true story or a remake, otherwise it will lose money.
14:38Hi there. I'm the real Emily Maitless.
14:40Pleased to meet you. I'm Amerson. Well done on the Prince Andrew interview. That's certainly put the world to rights.
14:46Thank you. And of course, I'm mainly why that interview happened, so I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:51Great idea. Let's do it. We could use some of the money we made destroying the High Street.
14:55By the way, why didn't you go to Netflix?
14:58Welcome to Netflix.
14:59I'm Sam McAllister, the person who mainly made the Prince Andrew interview happen, rather than anyone on screen who usually take credit for these things.
15:07Of course.
15:08So, I thought we could make a drama about it. Otherwise, there's a risk that everyone will stop banging on about it.
15:14Well, we can't have that. Let's do it. We can use some of the money we made from televising Princess Diana's bulimia.
15:21Some stories have to be told. Twice.
15:25With slightly different takes on how the admin was done.
15:30This research is riddled with errors. And that's not how you spell Ghislaine?
15:34It's Prince Anthony. Is that right?
15:36It's Andrew, Emily.
15:37Oh, you're a lifesaver.
15:39How's my hair?
15:40Yeah.
15:40Coming to ITV this autumn.
15:43The true story of how the two dramas which both told how the Prince Andrew interview on Newsnight got made were themselves made.
15:50It's just been announced. The BBC are doing their own version of this with James Corden playing both Prince Andrews.
15:58SHIT!
16:07Let me show you what I mean.
16:09OK.
16:10We've recently developed all sorts of new ways of analysing web traffic.
16:14Yeah.
16:15It's very, very clever and illuminating.
16:17Great.
16:18It's really no longer as simple a metric as number of views.
16:22Oh.
16:23And this is where you come into the kitchen.
16:26You have a problem with your washing machine?
16:28So, yes, we can actually see what bit viewers are focusing on most.
16:33I think I can guess which bit.
16:35You might be surprised.
16:36I'm going to need my big spanner.
16:41OK.
16:41So, here...
16:42Sounds like I'm talking about my big cock.
16:44Yes, except we've just been looking at your big cock, so we know you don't mean that.
16:49Yep.
16:50You literally do mean that you need...
16:53Different sized spanner.
16:55And actually, this is where we see a real uplift in views.
16:59Really?
17:00Yes.
17:01It builds from here and peaks at this point, 4 minutes 12 seconds, when you take the front
17:07off the washing machine and start to replace the drum.
17:10Do you see this bit?
17:13Yes, we see this a lot with the Electrolux.
17:15Have you got the part?
17:17No.
17:18I'll have to order it in.
17:19Yes, that's the absolute viewing numbers peak.
17:22And then it drops off a cliff when you start having sex again.
17:26Although there is then another peak in the follow-up video when you arrive with the
17:31replacement part from Electrolux.
17:32Lots of views for you sticking it in.
17:35So they do want to see that...
17:36I can't believe how badly I expressed that.
17:39They want to see you repair the washing machine, not have a fuck with the lady.
17:43Not have a fuck with the lady?
17:45No.
17:45That's what the analysis is telling us.
17:48But I've always been the sexy...
17:50The sexy plumber.
17:52Yes.
17:52You're a big star, Barry.
17:54A stalwart of the industry.
17:56You always get the highest number of hits.
17:58Turning up in your boiler suit with your tools.
18:01Getting down to business.
18:02Well, this is it.
18:03It's always been sex and plumbing.
18:06And I suppose, cynics that we are, we've all been sort of assuming that the sex was the
18:12draw.
18:13But...
18:13But...
18:15They're watching for the plumbing, Barry.
18:17That's what they want.
18:19Plumbing tips.
18:20You've been doing this for a long time and without realising it, you've become a damn
18:24good plumber.
18:25They don't want to see...
18:26Damn good plumber.
18:28I don't want to...
18:29A really damn, damn good plumber.
18:32Look...
18:33I'd take the compliment, Barry.
18:35The internet is full of porn.
18:37But a genuinely helpful step-by-step guide to replacing a U-bend is like a hen's tooth.
18:44I don't know what to say.
18:44You wear your knowledge so lightly.
18:47In all the other instructional videos online, the men doing the explaining take ages because
18:52they're so thrilled with themselves.
18:54You're different.
18:55You just spend that time getting blown and then do the plumbing bit super quickly.
18:59It's much less patronising.
19:04Are you going to stop paying me to have sex?
19:06We are, yes.
19:07And start paying me to do plumbing?
19:09Indeed.
19:10So, obviously, I've called you in here to discuss a pay rise.
19:17Okay, but what's funny about that punchline?
19:19Well, it's making the satirical point that plumbers are expensive.
19:23More expensive than porn stars?
19:25Obviously, I have no idea.
19:26But plumbers are expensive.
19:27God, yeah.
19:28I think people will relate to that.
19:30Bloody plumbers.
19:31Okay, I just don't know if that's, like, is that what we want the show to say?
19:36I find it comforting.
19:37You know, bloody plumbers, bloody weather, nice old complaints, you know where you are.
19:43Okay, but I just feel like it's a sketch about porn.
19:47For me, it's about plumbing.
19:49I think it's nice to start with a sexual theme and then move immediately away from it.
19:55I think that's nice.
19:56For me, the classic plumber in porn scenario is a fantasy about escaping the plumber's astronomical bill.
20:03You know, can I fuck my way out of this?
20:06That's not what I...
20:07I just think the sex industry is something that we need to confront, you know?
20:10Like, not the sex workers.
20:11Obviously, what they're doing is amazing, or yes.
20:16But the industry, that's what I'm saying.
20:18The industry is something we want to confront.
20:21Like, the client, they're the problem.
20:24And we want to make a sketch where we say,
20:25the people who hold the means of production, they're wrong.
20:29Plumbers are so expensive.
20:33But what...
20:34What if the boiler goes?
20:36Hmm?
20:37It could go at any moment.
20:41You have to be kidding.
20:42Leave him.
20:42And unless my demands are met, I will activate the ray and trigger the destruction of the entire world.
20:58Please, you can't do this.
21:00Oh, I most certainly can.
21:02We beg of you.
21:03We need more time.
21:05We want to live.
21:05We all want to live.
21:06Cease your pathetic snivelling.
21:09The second I pull this lever, the death ray will charge,
21:13and the entire world will be annihilated in 56 years.
21:22What?
21:23The world as you know it, the entirety of the...
21:27No, we heard that.
21:28What was the second bit?
21:30In 56 years.
21:34So it'll take...
21:36A death ray of this magnitude needs an amount of time to charge,
21:40and in this case, yes, it will take 56 years.
21:4356 years?
21:44The second I pull this...
21:4656 years?
21:47The world will end forever!
21:50No, no, absolutely.
21:51It's still bad.
21:53Still?
21:53Oh, yeah, it's terrifying for sure.
21:56The entire world's destroyed!
21:59It's just difficult to get up a sense of urgency with that as a time frame.
22:03That's what it is, yeah.
22:05I mean, I don't want to die.
22:06I don't want my kids to die.
22:08No, that thing about the kids is completely valid.
22:10But then...
22:11It's just...
22:11I don't...
22:12It's not quite...
22:13What are you talking about?
22:1456 years, it's sort of...
22:17I don't know.
22:17Like, personally, I'm better with a deadline.
22:20Same, same.
22:21I mean, aren't we all?
22:22For me, it's the not knowing.
22:23Ugh, the not knowing is so much worse.
22:25Yeah, just get it done, do you know what I mean?
22:26Yeah, it's like a bit of a relief.
22:28Thank you, yes.
22:29It is, isn't it?
22:30Yeah.
22:30You cannot want the world to end in 56 years.
22:34We don't.
22:35No, no, no, no, no.
22:35But also...
22:37I mean, what can we do, really?
22:38You can meet my demands.
22:40Oh, God, and we absolutely would.
22:43But we're already juggling so much already.
22:46Oh, you can say that again.
22:47You could walk around in the knowledge that the world is ending
22:52and you're doing nothing to stop it.
22:55I mean, we don't want to,
22:57but it's hard to make it a priority.
23:00Well, do you know, this has been a real wake-up call for me.
23:03Yeah.
23:04Really?
23:05What?
23:05No, just transfer the funds into my account.
23:08We will let everyone know.
23:10Yeah.
23:10Why have I been in such a funk?
23:12It's only 56 years.
23:16This can be avoided.
23:18Shut the door, shall we?
23:19Do you know what?
23:27They don't deserve it.
23:29Let the oceans boil them to death, they pricks.
23:32Let the oceans boil them to death.
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