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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the Church Elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:13Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:15At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:20Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:24New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:28Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:30Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:33Like your what? What is going on?
00:35We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:37For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:43Ha, yeah, good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:48The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:53What's the problem?
00:54Nothing, it's nothing.
00:55Is not laughter sinful?
00:56Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
00:58Shun him.
00:59Shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:01Shun him!
01:02Shun him!
01:03Shun him!
01:04Shun him!
01:05Shun him!
01:06Shun him!
01:07Shun him! Get out!
01:08I didn't mean it. I repent.
01:09Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:10Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:13No, of course not. This is New England.
01:15New England, Satan!
01:16New England, and there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:19He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:20He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:21He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:25What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore?
01:28She speaks of knee tremblers. Shun her!
01:30Shun her!
01:31Shun her!
01:32Shun her!
01:33Take her hat buckle!
01:34No, not my hat buckle. I need it for if my head changes size.
01:38As well it might, as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:42He said sexual! Shun him!
01:44Shun him!
01:45Shun him!
01:46Shun him!
01:47Shun him!
01:48Shun him!
01:49Just a thought. Is Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:51I don't think so.
01:53That's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:56He has a daughter called Lucifer! The devil has sprung from his loin! Shun him!
02:01Shun him!
02:02Shun him!
02:03Shun him!
02:04Shun him!
02:05But also shun her, for she said loin.
02:06Ah!
02:07I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
02:09Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:10Shun the dyslexic!
02:11Shun her!
02:12Shun the dyslexic!
02:13Shun her!
02:14Shun her!
02:15Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:19Shun him!
02:20Shun him!
02:21I'm already shunned!
02:22Shun him again for good measure!
02:24Fuck off, Andrew. Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:28We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:31Talk to the hand, John. The face isn't listening.
02:33He exhorts us to address his hand. He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:38Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure! Shun him!
02:43Shun him!
02:44Shun him!
02:45Shun him!
02:46Shun him!
02:47Say what I think she said.
02:48She just called you a wanker.
02:49Shun him once again!
02:50Shun him!
02:51Shun him!
02:52Shun him!
02:53Shun him!
02:54Shun him!
02:55Shun him!
02:56You're a among the a**.
02:57Shun him on lot of sweaters...
02:58Shun him, Joel!
03:02fucking brick what the fuck what the fuck you fucking sell who the fuck are you fucking you
03:09fucking bitch mind your own business you old fucking bastard you lost the fucking right to
03:15tell me who the fuck when you lost the fucking farm i'll fucking kill the fucker what the fuck
03:23i've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin and i'll be
03:29fucked before i lose the fuck out of this stupid little fucking cunt i thought you loved me you
03:35dick breath dog fuck so did i you fucking bitch i was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm
03:44fair fucking up i'm fucking lying i fucking love you you stupid fucking bitch you fuck
03:52this is my fucking farm now
04:10right there's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here
04:19wait just one fucking moment fuck shit piss cunt who the fuck are you i'm your fucking mother
04:28so wash your fucking mouth out you dozy fucking bitch
04:31hello there what happened to that bloody report i don't know detective well you'd better start
04:51thinking quick love or your cid career is going to be as short as that skirt you stupid tart
04:57treasured memories i was actually the last actor on british television
05:05to wolf whistle at a school girl in a way the audience was invited to find fun
05:11but times change and rightly so
05:15since then i've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older
05:20a judge who's even older and then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical
05:26and a free jigsaw just for applying
05:29and when i say jigsaw i mean the cardboard puzzle not the power tool
05:33which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance
05:37anyway we must get on
05:40this is turning into an amazingly long advertisement
05:43but then you are watching daytime on itv4 where the advertising is basically free
05:49and the repeat of the sweeney this is in the middle of
05:52has had to have six minutes cut out of it
05:54for reasons you can probably guess
05:57so we've got all the time in the world
06:00or have we
06:04because we all know
06:06that we haven't got forever
06:08good boy
06:10benji's at peace now
06:20he won't be suffering anymore
06:22to be honest he was more or less okay
06:25but he did keep shitting in the lounge
06:27and if you're shitting in the lounge
06:30you might want to consider the deathly tass
06:33cut your losses plan
06:35for a reasonable price
06:37you can pay the ultimate price
06:39and your loved ones
06:40will have the peace of mind
06:42of knowing that they can start getting your smell
06:44out of all that lovely property equity
06:47meanwhile you check in
06:49to one of our luxurious
06:51clinic cum crematoria
06:53kick back in a joint and muscle
06:55soothing motorized recliner
06:57our nurses humorously refer to them as
07:00electric chairs
07:02though of course you'll be killed
07:04by poison injection
07:05and select a delicious last meal
07:08from our menu of michelin adjacent dishes
07:11just call the number below
07:14or get your now nearing retirement themselves
07:17children to go to the website to apply
07:20death lit us
07:22when you're getting in the way
07:23call it a day
07:25for you
07:28WHOA
07:30ΓΊs Colin
07:32yeah
07:34we got this deal
07:34we got this deal
07:35we got these things
07:35for sure
07:37separate
07:37f
07:442000
07:44It's Platform 10.
08:01Sorry?
08:02Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley, it's leaving from Platform 10.
08:05You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from Platform 10.
08:10How do you...
08:10It's that way. The East Coast Mainland trains all leave from over there.
08:13Go and get on it. I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
08:19Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
08:21Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
08:24You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence.
08:26Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Anjian, posing as a history of art postgraduate.
08:31You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:34Look, I really don't...
08:35I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over, I don't know why I did this.
08:39It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:43Three months. Three months I had you under surveillance.
08:48Watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like that dozy prick you are.
08:53Smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist and then just walking off without apologising.
08:57Picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs.
09:01Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead.
09:03That coat!
09:04And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
09:09Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
09:13That was a very small space!
09:15My mother can parallel park better than you when she's 84.
09:18And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
09:25Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
09:30Who are you?
09:31The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:33To monitor your wretched affair.
09:35With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:37Oh, so much better!
09:38Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:40I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:43I...
09:43You bliming...
09:45You bliming...
09:46You bliming...
09:47You bliming...
09:48You bliming...
09:49You bliming...
09:50You bliming...
09:51You bliming...
09:52You bliming...
09:53That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
10:00Morning, Jim.
10:01Morning.
10:02So, we're recording our radio play next week, but we've got a list of sound effects.
10:06Just general sounds and noises that we'd like to get in the can first.
10:10Mm-hmm.
10:11Just think where we couldn't find library sounds that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
10:15Work my magic?
10:16Yep.
10:17So, there's quite a bit to get through.
10:18I'll just dive straight in.
10:20First up, a woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
10:24Yeah, no problem.
10:25I can do that with my cock.
10:27Your what?
10:28My cock.
10:29I can make that noise with my cock.
10:31No offence.
10:32Oh, yeah.
10:33That's...
10:34That's okay.
10:35Do you need us to...
10:36No, no, no.
10:37I'll do it when you've gone.
10:38I'll just make a note.
10:39Pavement feet.
10:40Cock.
10:41Okay, what's next?
10:44Right.
10:45Um...
10:46We...
10:48We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB, uh, going into soft clay and gravel and then coming up against a Roman wall.
10:56Got it.
10:57Yep.
10:58I can do that with my cock.
10:59Right.
11:00So, I'll need some oven gloves, 15 large pebbles and a packet of gummy bears or Haribo, something like that.
11:07And then, obviously, my cock, which I've got.
11:10Okay.
11:11Um...
11:12We need, uh...
11:13Uh...
11:14A waterfall.
11:15A medium size, not massive.
11:17And, uh, it's in woodland and there's a storm incoming, so it's raining quite hard and there's a distant helicopter.
11:23Right.
11:24Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:26Uh, hang on.
11:28British woodland or tropical?
11:29Tropical.
11:30Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:32Because of the humidity, my cock works best.
11:34I'll need, uh, a soda stream, a flappy menu, four trout fillets, rainbow or brown, doesn't matter.
11:41And my cock, which, obviously, I've got with me.
11:44Oh, and lube.
11:45Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.
11:48Lube.
11:59Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
12:01Really?
12:02The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
12:04Yeah.
12:05Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:08Won't sound right.
12:09You try that if you like, but I'm telling you, if you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk,
12:15then I'm gonna need three reams of A4, some highlighter pens, a bottle of Prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes,
12:22a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick, a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup, and my cock.
12:31Okay, uh, okay, we're nearly there now, so just, uh, we need a loose shutter banging in the wind,
12:36and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau in Provence.
12:40Okay, um...
12:56Done.
12:57You're not gonna use your cock for that?
12:59No.
13:00It's gonna get down.
13:03That's not gonna work.
13:06Ah, that's on me.
13:11Oh, I'm exhausted.
13:15It's day 12 of middle-aged Man Island.
13:18The boys have completed their tasks for the day, and now it's time to chillax and have some them time.
13:24Could you do something?
13:38What?
13:39Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken, so, um...
13:43Oh.
13:44They want us to do something?
13:46Or...
13:47Speak?
13:48For the programme?
13:49Oh, yeah, programme.
13:52Better out than...
13:53Actually, I hate people who say that.
13:55Okay.
13:57Let's chat.
13:58I can't think of anything to say, actually.
14:08Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
14:11Okay, well...
14:12Yeah, alright.
14:13You be the woman.
14:14You start us off, and then...
14:16I'll get us going.
14:17Okay.
14:18Um...
14:21How are you?
14:22Fine, thanks.
14:28God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:32We could talk about the Second World War again.
14:34We did that all last week.
14:36That was a good week.
14:37Yeah.
14:39Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
14:41You know, men love talking about the Second World War, blah, blah, blah.
14:44But, the Second World War was...
14:46A, very important.
14:48And B, brilliant.
14:50I don't know you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:52Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:54What?
14:55Even better than the Great War?
14:57See, that's the kind of joke that, if we were at home, someone would...
15:01Roll their eyes and say,
15:03That's a dad joke.
15:04But, yeah.
15:05It's just a joke.
15:06Actually, it was a serious question.
15:08What's your favourite war?
15:10Punic.
15:14Sorry.
15:15It's Wednesday night.
15:16It's for the bins.
15:18Mine was last night.
15:22There's no way she would have done it.
15:27But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:33Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
15:35At best.
15:36That's the youth end.
15:37No, I think we can appeal to young people, because we've got that sketch about...
15:40Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:42Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:44No, no, no.
15:45It's the one where we say, wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
15:47I mean, it was harder to have a wank, but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:51Oh, that's been cut.
15:52Channel 4 said we had too many sketches that relied on wanking and we can only have 11, max.
15:57Okay.
15:58I suppose middle-aged men island is just like a fun dig at guys our dad's age.
16:02Or mine and Kael and Lara's dad's age.
16:04Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
16:06Is that all?
16:07Are you sure that's right?
16:09I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dads so much as...
16:12It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
16:15Well, of course, I...
16:16It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
16:19Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
16:21Aging is very now, very contemporary.
16:23In the past, people were a lot younger.
16:25You were?
16:26No, I mean, well, yes, but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
16:30Oh, here comes another history lesson.
16:32In previous ages, in the middle ages, but people were younger.
16:36The average age was lower because people died younger.
16:39A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.
16:43Yes, it's actually very now to have dementia.
16:46Yeah, decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
16:48Not that we're decrepit.
16:49If only, we're not that cool.
16:50Yeah, I just think...
16:51Although I do have recurring back issues and Rob had open-heart surgery.
16:54OK, I think we're speaking at cross purposes here, David.
16:56Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
16:58I know we're middle-aged, but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
17:01Always has been.
17:02Bill Cotton used to say...
17:03Shut up.
17:04Channel 4, in particular, desperately try to appeal to young people.
17:07Oh, it's like a lechy uncle dancing at a wedding sometimes.
17:10Yeah, let's do the quiz where everyone shows their balls.
17:13Or vaginas.
17:14Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.
17:16I just think we should pay lip service to that
17:19and not just be constantly banging on about how old we are.
17:22Like this bit that we're doing now, where we go on about being old,
17:25when these young people, some of them women...
17:27Are just saying or vaginas.
17:29That's literally all I've said except this.
17:31Yeah, but you said it so well.
17:32Like, I want to say or vaginas now.
17:34In a way, Stevie, you have.
17:36Introducing Branboozled.
17:41The great new board game for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
17:45Hooray!
17:46You've been branboozled.
17:48Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
17:54You've taken all my bran, you little scamp.
17:57Mmm...
17:58Bran.
18:00Throw the dice and spin the dial.
18:02Collect the bran and branboozled your opponents
18:04before you yourself are branboozled.
18:05Oh, I've been branboozled!
18:11More bran for me.
18:14Branboozle.
18:15The great new game that's getting all the family eating lashings of pure bran.
18:19Excessive bran consumption may cause rectal warping.
18:24Morning, Jim.
18:25Hi.
18:26That's all done.
18:27Do you want to have a listen?
18:28Oh, yes, please.
18:35Uh, so this is, uh...
18:47This is the rolled-up carpet being dragged down the flight of stairs with a dachshund yapping in the background.
18:53Oh, yeah.
18:54And you...
18:55Um...
18:56You used your cock for this one?
18:58I think so.
18:59Not this one.
19:00Not this one.
19:10I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
19:12Great.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Come to think of it, I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
19:27Yeah, I thought so.
19:28It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are.
19:39I never imagined I would have this opportunity, but of course, times change.
19:45With this particular piece, I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor, but on the overall energy he gives off.
19:53It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theatre.
19:56In the olden days, I would never have had the chance to be in this wonderful stage annotation of The Matrix playing Neil.
20:04Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
20:06Hmm?
20:07Your character is called Neil.
20:09That's right, yes.
20:10And, of course, the thing about Neil is that, like most of us, he doesn't know he's in The Matrix.
20:16Until somebody calls his agent and says, would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:20And, uh, you think Sir Charlie gives off the right energy to play Neo?
20:24Yes. As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me, I could immediately see that he gives off exactly the right energy.
20:31Even though he's 78?
20:32Yes.
20:33Aren't there younger actors that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:37Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices to see an adaptation of The Matrix won't have heard of them, whereas they all remember Sir Charlie from all the Merchant Ivory shit he did in the 80s.
20:47Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
20:49Well, I'm delighted, but as I say, Neil is absolutely devastated. Neil takes the red pill and discovers he's in The Matrix for eight shows a week, including bank holidays for 12 weeks, and I couldn't be happier.
21:01I'll just put this here if that's for it, Tony.
21:03Yes, I don't know. That's fine, huh?
21:04I don't want to get in the way.
21:06It's week two of rehearsals, and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry are grappling with the iconic scene where Neo uploads martial arts into his brain.
21:14Okay, so Tank just inserted the program, he's pressed the button, and all that knowledge flashes into your head in just a few seconds, and then you open your eyes, and you say the line.
21:29All right, Tony, leave it with me.
21:30Right, so he's pressed the button.
21:32Press the button.
21:37I know Kung Fu.
21:42All right, Tony.
21:43It's just...
21:47Try it again.
21:48Of course, of course.
21:50Press the button.
21:55I know Kung Fu.
21:58Yeah, it's...
22:00I think I know what it is.
22:01Yes.
22:02You're saying the line like Kung Fu is an old friend that you've just remembered.
22:07Yes.
22:08But it isn't.
22:09No.
22:10It's a martial art.
22:11That I've forgotten.
22:12No.
22:13Because it's been years.
22:14No.
22:15How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:16No.
22:17He's not Kung Fu.
22:18It's been years.
22:19We're improvising.
22:20No.
22:21He's not Kung Fu.
22:22Oh, I see.
22:23I'm saying, I know Kung Fu.
22:24But Kung Fu's not here.
22:26I could be Kung Fu.
22:27I don't mind.
22:28I don't mind.
22:29Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
22:30Could we try that, Tony?
22:31I think that would really help.
22:33For me.
22:34Okay.
22:36So, let's press the button.
22:38I know Kung Fu.
22:39Hi.
22:40You see, the problem is, Tony.
22:54I'm saying I know Kung Fu, but Kung Fu's standing right there, so it doesn't make any sense.
22:59Yes.
23:00You don't say it to him.
23:02And he's not Kung Fu.
23:04And Kung Fu isn't a person.
23:07Well, all right, Tony, but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
23:13May I suggest a cup of tea?
23:15A cup of tea for you, Tony?
23:37Land Challenge, wouldn't you?
23:38A cup of tea.
23:39Let's go.
23:40We'll celebrate.
23:42We'll celebrate.
23:43With the magic of tea for you.
23:44We'll celebrate.
23:46Sam
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