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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the Church Elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:13Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:15At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:20Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:24New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:28Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:30Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:33Like your what? What is going on?
00:35We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:37For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:43Ha, yeah, good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:48The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:53What's the problem?
00:54Nothing, it's nothing.
00:55Is not laughter sinful?
00:56Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
00:58Shun him.
00:59Shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:01Shun him!
01:02Shun him!
01:03Shun him!
01:04Shun him!
01:05Shun him!
01:06Shun him!
01:07Shun him! Get out!
01:08I didn't mean it. I repent.
01:09Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:10Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:13No, of course not. This is New England.
01:15New England, Satan!
01:16New England, and there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:19He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:20He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:21He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:25What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore?
01:28She speaks of knee tremblers. Shun her!
01:30Shun her!
01:31Shun her!
01:32Shun her!
01:33Take her hat buckle!
01:34No, not my hat buckle. I need it for if my head changes size.
01:38As well it might, as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:42He said sexual! Shun him!
01:44Shun him!
01:45Shun him!
01:46Shun him!
01:47Shun him!
01:48Shun him!
01:49Just a thought. Is Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:51I don't think so.
01:53That's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:56He has a daughter called Lucifer! The devil has sprung from his loin! Shun him!
02:01Shun him!
02:02Shun him!
02:03Shun him!
02:04Shun him!
02:05But also shun her, for she said loin.
02:06Ah!
02:07I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
02:09Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:10Shun the dyslexic!
02:11Shun her!
02:12Shun the dyslexic!
02:13Shun her!
02:14Shun her!
02:15Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:19Shun him!
02:20Shun him!
02:21I'm already shunned!
02:22Shun him again for good measure!
02:24Fuck off, Andrew. Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:28We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:31Talk to the hand, John. The face isn't listening.
02:33He exhorts us to address his hand. He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:38Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure! Shun him!
02:43Shun him!
02:44Shun him!
02:45Shun him!
02:46Shun him!
02:47Say what I think she said.
02:48She just called you a wanker.
02:49Shun him once again!
02:50Shun him!
02:51Shun him!
02:52Shun him!
02:53Shun him!
02:54Shun him!
02:55Shun him!
02:56Shun him!
02:57Shun him!
02:58Shun him!
02:59Shun him!
03:00Shun him!
03:01You lazy fucking prick
03:03What the fuck?
03:05What the fuck you fucking sell?
03:07Who the fuck are you fucking you fucking bitch?
03:10Mind your own business you old fucking bastard
03:13You lost the fucking right to tell me who the fuck when you lost the fucking farm
03:18I'll fucking kill the fucker
03:22What the fuck?
03:24I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin
03:28And I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt
03:33I thought you loved me you dick breathed dog fuck
03:37So did I you fucking bitch
03:40I was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm
03:44Fair fucking up
03:46I'm fucking lying, I fucking love you you stupid fucking bitch
03:51You fuck
03:53No
03:55Oh no
04:00No
04:06Fuck
04:07This is my fucking farm now
04:14Right
04:15There's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here
04:20Wait just one fucking moment
04:22Fuck
04:23Fuck
04:24Shit
04:25Piss
04:26Cunt
04:27Who the fuck are you?
04:28I'm your fucking mother
04:29So wash your fucking mouth out you dozy fucking bitch
04:44Hello there
04:45What happened to that bloody report?
04:48I don't know detective
04:49Well you'd better start thinking quick love
04:52Or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt
04:56You stupid tart
05:01Treasured memories
05:02I was actually the last actor on British television to wolf whistle at a school girl in a way the audience was invited to find fun
05:12But times change
05:14And rightly so
05:16Since then I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older
05:21A judge who's even older
05:22And then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical and a free jigsaw just for applying
05:30And when I say jigsaw I mean the cardboard puzzle not the power tool which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance
05:38Anyway we must get on
05:41This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement
05:44But then you are watching daytime on ITV4 where the advertising is basically free
05:50And the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of has had to have six minutes cut out of it
05:55For reasons you can probably guess
05:58So we've got all the time in the world
06:00Or have we?
06:03Because we all know that we haven't got forever
06:08Good boy
06:10Benji's at peace now
06:16He won't be suffering anymore
06:19To be honest he was more or less okay
06:21But he did keep shitting in the lounge
06:24And if you're shitting in the lounge
06:27And if you're shitting in the lounge
06:31You might want to consider the deathly tass cut your losses plan
06:35For a reasonable price you can pay the ultimate price
06:39And your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing that they can start getting your smell
06:45Out of all that lovely property equity
06:48Meanwhile you check in to one of our luxurious clinic cum crematoria
06:52Kick back in a joint and muscle soothing motorised recliner
06:57Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs
07:02Though of course you'll be killed by poison injection
07:05And select a delicious last meal from our menu of Michelin adjacent dishes
07:11Just call the number below
07:14Or get your now nearing retirement themselves children to go to the website to apply
07:19Deathlit us, when you're getting in the way, call it a day
07:25Whew
07:27Or a day
07:28Or get your now
07:33أياه
07:37أياه
07:39أَا
07:43أَا
07:46أَا
07:48It's Platform 10.
08:01Sorry?
08:02Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley, it's leaving from Platform 10.
08:05You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from Platform 10.
08:10How do you...
08:10It's that way. The East Coast Mainland trains all leave from over there.
08:13Ow.
08:14Go and get on it.
08:15I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
08:19Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
08:21Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
08:24You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence.
08:26Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Anjian, posing as a history of art postgraduate.
08:31You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:34No, I really don't...
08:35I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over, I don't know why I did this.
08:39It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:45Three months.
08:47Three months I had you under surveillance, watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like that dozy prick you are.
08:53Smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist and then just walking off without apologising.
08:57Picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs.
09:01Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead.
09:03That coat!
09:04And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
09:09Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
09:13That was a very small space!
09:15My mother can parallel park better than you when she's 84.
09:18And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
09:25Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
09:30Who are you?
09:31The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:33To monitor your wretched affair.
09:35With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:37Oh, so much better!
09:38Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:40I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:43I...
09:44You blimmin'...
09:45A drink?
09:50Yeah, right.
09:53That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
10:00Morning, Jim.
10:01Morning.
10:02So, um, we're recording our radio play next week, but we've got a list of sound effects, just general sounds and noises that we'd like to get in the can first.
10:11Mm-hmm.
10:11It's a thing where we couldn't find library sound that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
10:15Work my magic, yep.
10:17So, there's quite a bit to get through, um, I'll just dive straight in.
10:20Um, first up, a woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
10:25Yeah, no problem, I can do that with my cock.
10:27Your what?
10:28My cock.
10:29I can make that noise with my cock.
10:31No offence.
10:32Oh, yeah, that's...
10:34That's okay, uh...
10:35Do you need us to...
10:37No, no, no, I'll do it when you've gone, I'll just make a note.
10:39Pavement, feet, cock.
10:42Okay, what's next?
10:45Right, um...
10:47We...
10:47We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB, uh, going into soft clay and gravel and then coming up against a Roman wall.
10:57Got it.
10:58Yep, I can do that with my cock.
11:00Right.
11:00So, I'll need some oven gloves, 15 large pebbles and a packet of gummy bears or Haribo, something like that.
11:08And then, obviously, my cock, which I've got.
11:09Okay, um, we need, uh, a waterfall, medium-sized, not massive, and, uh, it's in woodland and there's a storm incoming, so it's raining quite hard and there's a distant helicopter.
11:23Right.
11:24Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:27Uh, hang on.
11:28British woodland or tropical?
11:30Tropical.
11:30Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:32Because of the humidity, my cock works best.
11:35I'll need a soda stream, a flappy menu, four trout fillets, rainbow or brown, doesn't matter, and my cock, which, obviously, I've got with me.
11:45Oh, and lube.
11:46Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.
11:49Lube.
11:59Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
12:01Really? The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
12:05Yeah.
12:05Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:08Won't sound right.
12:09You try that if you like, but I'm telling you, if you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk,
12:15then I'm going to need three reams of A4, some highlighter pens, a bottle of Prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes, a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick, a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup, and my cock.
12:29OK, OK, we're nearly there now, so just, uh, we need a loose shutter banging in the wind, and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau in Provence.
12:41OK, um...
12:43Done.
12:58You're not going to use your cock for that?
13:00No.
13:02He's going to get down to it.
13:04That's not going to work.
13:06Ah, it's on me.
13:07It's day 12 of Middle-Aged Man Island.
13:18The boys have completed their tasks for the day, and now it's time to chillax and have some them time.
13:24Could you do something?
13:39What?
13:40Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken, so, um...
13:44Oh.
13:45They want us to do something, or speak, for the programme?
13:49Oh, yeah, programme.
13:50Better out than...
13:54Actually, I hate people who say that.
13:56OK.
13:57Let's chat.
14:06I can't think of anything to say, actually.
14:10Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
14:12OK, well, yeah, all right.
14:14You be the woman, you start us off, and then they'll get us going.
14:18OK.
14:19Um...
14:20How are you?
14:23Fine, thanks.
14:28God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:32We could talk about the Second World War again.
14:35No, we did that all last week.
14:37That was a good week.
14:37Yeah.
14:39Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
14:41You know, men love talking about the Second World War, blah, blah, blah.
14:44But the Second World War was...
14:47A, very important.
14:48And B, brilliant.
14:51I don't know you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:53Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:54What?
14:55Even better than the great war?
14:59See, that's the kind of joke that, if we were at home, someone would roll their eyes and say,
15:03that's a dad joke, but yeah, it's just a joke.
15:07Actually, it was a serious question.
15:09What's your favourite war?
15:11Punic.
15:14Sorry.
15:15It's Wednesday night.
15:16It's for the bins.
15:19Mine was last night.
15:20But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:33Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
15:35At best.
15:36That's the youth end.
15:37No, I think we can appeal to young people, because we've got that sketch about, um...
15:41Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:42Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:44No, no, no.
15:45It's the one where we say, wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
15:47I mean, it was harder to have a wank, but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:51Oh, that's been cut.
15:52Channel 4 said we had too many sketches that relied on wanking, and we can only have 11, max.
15:58Okay.
15:58I suppose middle-aged men island is just like a fun dig at guys' our dad's age.
16:02Or mine and Kael and Lara's dad's age.
16:05Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
16:07Is that all?
16:08Are you sure that's right?
16:10I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dad's so much as...
16:13It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
16:16Well, of course, I...
16:17It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
16:20Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
16:22Ageing is very now, very contemporary.
16:24In the past, people were a lot younger.
16:26You were?
16:27No, I mean, well, yes, but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
16:31Oh, here comes another history lesson.
16:33In previous ages, in the middle ages, but people were younger.
16:37The average age was lower because people died younger.
16:40A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.
16:44Yes, it's actually very now to have dementia.
16:46Yet decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
16:48Not that we're decrepit.
16:50If only, we're not that cool.
16:51Yeah, I just think...
16:52Although I do have recurring back issues, and Rob had open-heart surgery.
16:55Okay, I think we're speaking at cross-purposes here, David.
16:57Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
16:59I know we're middle-aged, but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
17:02Always has been.
17:03Bill Cotton used to say...
17:04Shut up.
17:05Channel 4, in particular, desperately try to appeal to young people.
17:08Oh, it's like a lechy uncle dancing at a wedding sometimes.
17:11Yeah, let's do the quiz where everyone shows their balls.
17:14Or vaginas.
17:15Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.
17:18I just think we should pay lip service to that, and not just be constantly banging on about how old we are.
17:23Like this bit that we're doing now, where we go on about being old, when these young people, some of them women...
17:28...are just saying, or vaginas.
17:30That's literally all I've said except this.
17:31Yeah, but you said it so well.
17:33Like, I want to say all vaginas now.
17:35In a way, Stevie, you have.
17:40Introducing Branboozled.
17:42The great new board game for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
17:46Hooray!
17:47You've been branboozled.
17:49Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
17:50You've taken all my bran, you little scamp.
17:57Mmm.
17:59Bran.
18:01Throw the dice and spin the dial.
18:02Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents before you yourself are branboozled.
18:06Oh, I've been branboozled.
18:11More bran for me?
18:14Branboozle.
18:15The great new game that's getting all the family eating lashings of pure bran.
18:20Excessive bran consumption may cause riptile warping.
18:24Morning, Jim.
18:25Hi.
18:27That's all done.
18:27Do you want to have a listen?
18:28Oh, yes, please.
18:45Uh, so this is, uh...
18:47This is the rolled-up carpet being dragged down the flight of stairs with a Dachshund yapping
18:52in the background.
18:54Oh, yeah.
18:55And you, um, you used your cock for this one?
19:00I think so.
19:00Not this one.
19:01I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
19:13Great.
19:14Yeah.
19:24Come to think of it, I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
19:27Yeah, I thought so.
19:36It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are.
19:40I never imagined I would have this opportunity, but of course, times change.
19:44With this particular piece, I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor,
19:50but on the overall energy he gives off.
19:53It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theater.
19:56In the olden days, I would never have had the chance to be in this wonderful stage adaptation
20:02of The Matrix playing Neil.
20:04Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
20:07Hmm?
20:07Your character is called Neo.
20:10That's right, yes.
20:11And of course, the thing about Neil is that, like most of us,
20:14he doesn't know he's in The Matrix until somebody calls his agent and says,
20:18would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:21And you think Sir Charlie gives off the right energy to play Neil?
20:24Yes.
20:25As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,
20:28I could immediately see that he gives off exactly the right energy.
20:32Even though he's 78?
20:33Yes.
20:34Aren't there younger actors that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:38Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices to see an adaptation of The Matrix
20:42won't have heard of them, whereas they all remember Sir Charlie
20:45from all the Merchant Ivory shit he did in the 80s.
20:48Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
20:50Well, I'm delighted, but as I say, Neil is absolutely devastated.
20:54Neil takes the red pill and discovers he's in The Matrix for eight shows a week,
20:58including bank holidays, for 12 weeks, and I couldn't be happier.
21:03I'll just put this here.
21:04Yes, I don't know.
21:05That's fine, huh?
21:05I don't want to get in the way.
21:06It's week two of rehearsals, and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry
21:10are grappling with the iconic scene where Neil uploads martial arts into his brain.
21:16Okay, so Tank just inserted the program, he's pressed the button,
21:22and all that knowledge flashes into your head in just a few seconds,
21:26and then you open your eyes, and you say the line.
21:29All right, Tony, leave it with me.
21:31Right, so he's pressed the button.
21:32Press the button.
21:33I know Kung Fu.
21:42All right, Tony.
21:45It's just...
21:47Try it again.
21:49Of course, of course.
21:50Press the button.
21:55I know Kung Fu.
21:58Yeah, it's...
22:00I think I know what it is.
22:02Yes.
22:02You're saying the line, like, Kung Fu is an old friend that you've just remembered.
22:08Yes.
22:08But it isn't.
22:09No.
22:10It's a martial art.
22:11That I've forgotten.
22:13No.
22:13Because it's been years.
22:15No.
22:15How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:17He's not Kung Fu.
22:18It's been years.
22:19We're improvising.
22:20He's not Kung Fu.
22:22Oh, I see.
22:23I'm saying, I know Kung Fu, but Kung Fu's not here.
22:26I could be Kung Fu.
22:28I don't mind.
22:28Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
22:30Could we try that, Tony?
22:31I think that would really help.
22:33For me.
22:35Okay.
22:35So, let's press the button.
22:40I know Kung Fu.
22:49Hi.
22:50You see, the problem is, Tony, I'm saying I know Kung Fu, but Kung Fu's standing right
22:58there, so it doesn't make any sense.
23:00Yes, you don't say it to him.
23:03And he's not Kung Fu.
23:05And Kung Fu isn't a person.
23:08Well, all right, Tony, but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
23:14May I suggest a cup of tea?
23:18Cup of tea for you, Tony?
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