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00:00I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
00:11I guess I was just attracted to the simplicity of it.
00:15You know, the communal living, everyone under one roof,
00:19the shared mealtime, the constant presence of the team members in their special clothes.
00:25They had this hierarchy of star symbols, and the compound that I was put in, it had four stars.
00:34And that meant you couldn't get hot food at night?
00:37Yeah, I mean, we could get food at night, but only sandwiches.
00:44They would come into your room when you were out, and you could tell, you know, that they'd been there.
00:51How could you tell?
00:53They'd tidy up.
00:55They'd make your bed and tuck the sheets in really tight, like abnormally tight,
00:59like no human could get into that bed.
01:02If they came in at night, they'd leave a chocolate on your pillow.
01:06Why?
01:07Some kind of warning.
01:10You know, we can come and go as we please.
01:13You know, today it's a chocolate, but tomorrow it could be a turd or a horse's head.
01:18Although, in fairness, it was always a chocolate.
01:24They also communicate through towels.
01:27You'd leave a towel on the floor or on the side of the bath, and they'd take it from you
01:32and replace it with a different but identical towel,
01:36and leave it on the radiator near the sign saying that they were trying to save the planet via towels.
01:43Which planet?
01:46They didn't say.
01:47It was the keys that broke me.
01:49They would give you a key, you know, for your numbered room, but it was heavy.
01:55It was like some kind of anvil.
01:58And if you wanted to go out, they would say, leave your key.
02:01Leave your key with us.
02:04And I didn't want to leave my key.
02:06I didn't want to, but it was so heavy.
02:10It was so heavy, you see.
02:14So I would leave my key.
02:19And then they started to ask for money.
02:21Money?
02:22They suddenly wanted hundreds and hundreds of pounds.
02:26I'm so sorry.
02:27They'd been keeping a record of everything I'd eaten.
02:30And then they said it cost, like, five times what it would cost to buy in the shop.
02:36In the end, I just paid what they wanted.
02:38Every penny.
02:39It was the only way.
02:40I paid, and then I just ran.
02:42I left everything.
02:43And was that the last contact you had with them?
02:47No.
02:48They emailed me the next day,
02:51asking if I wanted my stuff.
02:54Like they were taunting me.
02:55It was so horrible.
02:56I told them to just burn it.
03:00I'm a bit worried about that hotel sketch, because...
03:04Oh, it's a hotel?
03:06Well, yes.
03:07Sorry, I thought it was a cult.
03:09I think how it works is they talk about it like it was a cult,
03:12but it's actually a hotel.
03:14Hence, comedy.
03:16But what I'm worried about is that people in the hospitality sector
03:19have had a really rough time, actually,
03:21and I'm just worried that they're going to see that sketch
03:23and go, oh, they're laughing at us.
03:25It's just very negative.
03:27It is very negative,
03:28but my worry isn't that we're laughing at the hospitality sector.
03:32It's worse.
03:34We're laughing at people that get into cults.
03:36You know, nitwits and wallies and clots.
03:38Oh, don't say clots.
03:40Very offensive to stroke survivors.
03:42Of course, and people who died of strokes.
03:44Yeah, but they don't tend to write in.
03:46Yeah, I mean, like, their ghost or their families.
03:49I meant their families.
03:50Look, we can't be punching down to, at or on, nitwits, wallies
03:53or people who work in hotels.
03:54We just can't do that.
03:55Yeah, it'd be very harsh and negative to be punching down to
03:58or of people who just happen to be wrong about everything.
04:02OK, so let's write a lovely positive sketch
04:05about something that we love.
04:07Lara, what are your passions?
04:08What are you passionate about?
04:10Golf.
04:10I'm crazy about golf.
04:12Crazy golf?
04:13No, just regular golf.
04:14I just love it.
04:15Golf is my happy place.
04:16You know, the green, the holes, the holes.
04:20You want to see a picture of me in my happy place?
04:23Oh, you do look very happy.
04:25OK, great.
04:26Let's just do a lovely sketch about golf
04:28where no one gets hurt.
04:30Not people who love golf, not people who hate golf.
04:32Not people who've never heard of golf.
04:35What kind of moron has never heard of golf?
04:41Previously on Swery Aussie Drama.
04:44This is my fucking farm.
04:45This fucking farm's my fucking farm now.
04:49This is my fucking farm now.
04:52It's my fucking farm again.
04:54Sorry, whose fucking farm is it?
04:57I found a fucking wheel.
04:59Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:15It's yours, you nobber.
05:20Shit.
05:21What are you trying to blow this fucking farm sky fucking high?
05:36Too fucking right.
05:37I love the tits of you, you stone-cold cunt.
05:41Want to run a fucking farm?
05:42Come on.
05:50Take a fucking seat.
05:56Not so fucking fast.
05:58what the fuck
06:06the fuck psych
06:07who the fuck are you
06:11so all we need is your dbs check and you can start with a new turn
06:28oh brilliant and how do we do the dbs check do you need anything from me oh it's a straightforward
06:35process but the format has changed recently we used to just rely on your criminal history but
06:40that only told us if you'd been caught or not and let me tell you there are a lot of very clever
06:45pedos out there so uh if you wouldn't mind oh i go through that yes uh clarence will be conducting
06:58the check today okay
07:00hello
07:13i'm here for the dbs check
07:18scared are you you've surprised me what if i was a child what do you mean what if i was a child
07:26what would you do if i was a child i don't know incorrect the answer i was looking for was not
07:31assault you that's strike one of three oh god um
07:35you have a bag of sweets do you a eat them b put them away to be eaten at the time of your choosing
07:43or c lure a child into your van well not c obviously interesting i thought this was going
07:49to be a form or a child comes to you for help with a minor injury do you a contact their parents
07:54b dial 111 c flirt is this a joke do you think this is funny no um i would contact their parents and
08:03then dial 111 obviously oh you think you're so clever don't you you think you're so above board
08:09sexually i am i've got kids of my own oh i can't be a nonce some of my best friends are children
08:16that's not what i said this is a lineup of various children who do you think's the fittest
08:23none of them bearing in mind these are photos of children from the 1970s who are adults now so
08:28this is fine still none of them it's multiple choice i'm afraid you can have a fitters in athletic
08:33i'd have to see them do a bleep test first b none or c third child on the right b none oh very
08:39convenient question four but if you had to pick if you had to would it be a one b two or c i can't
08:45choose c i can't choose i haven't finished c i can't choose they're all quite hot not that one
08:51not which one who do you mean apart from that one obviously he's a minger no i mean not that one as
08:55in not option c and i don't think you can call a child a minger oh so you do have an opinion about
08:59which child is hotter no i don't i'm gonna look me in the eye and tell me that that child is not
09:04less attractive than the other children that child is me by the way when i was a young lad
09:08and i don't mind saying it i was a munter no you weren't a munter you've got a lovely angelic face
09:15okay you fancy me as a child no you have an answer question four because i don't agree with any of
09:20them correct if you had to choose between being a pedo and doing 9-11 which would you go for i'm i'm
09:27leaving all right gary glitter sorry there's absolutely so it seems you passed the dbs check
09:36with no obvious issues oh okay great so shall i just see you in september but i'm afraid we can't
09:48let you proceed because you failed the 9-11 check so you're probably a terrorist
09:52okay so lovely positive golf sketch um exterior day golf course it's a beautiful day golfer one
10:09says what a lovely game of golf i'm having good that's a nice naturalistic bit of exposition and
10:14maybe golfer two says yes it's excellent isn't it i love golf and golfer three says and not just golf
10:23there are so many beautiful things in this world that we should be grateful for that's lovely
10:29why don't we write more sketches like this this is going really well isn't it i'm i'm not worried
10:35about it you know whenever there's a joke you worry yeah you do you worry you know will they laugh
10:42will it upset someone will it get translated into another language where it turns out it's a slur
10:46do you worry yeah you're right it's jokes isn't it the problem has been jokes i suddenly understand
10:53why everyone loves ted lasso oh that does feel a bit negative rob no no i don't mean it negatively
10:59i think they're really onto something no jokes no problem just pleasant interactions between people
11:05of good faith there's literally nothing to object to this is great well let's try something a bit
11:12visual uh golfer one takes a shot golfer two says good shot fucking hell i love this i could watch this
11:21all day and then maybe aliens land and the golfers get scared for a second oh is that stressful no no
11:27let me finish and then the head alien says can we play huh oh yeah and then they just have a lovely
11:35time yeah and then maybe one of the aliens starts wanking
11:40Sebastian we are thrilled that you're gonna be reading your novel here well thank you for having
11:52me of course we have a few minutes before the event and i did have a bit of a cheeky request
11:58actually oh cheeky so you know we sponsor a young writers competition of course wonderful yeah and
12:04we actually have the short story finalists and they're just over there in that corner and i know
12:09it's a bit last minute but it would mean the world to them if you would just go and and maybe say hi
12:14and maybe have like a quick selfie with them that would be no problem whatsoever i'd be delighted
12:20yeah there's absolutely no fucking way he's doing that oh okay yes i guess it was a bit of a cheeky
12:28shall i go over now i mean it's no trouble i'm here oh yes if you would that would be so look he's
12:33got a fucking book to promote he's not here to make fucking friends with some snot-nosed kids
12:37maybe they could come here um and i could sign a book for each of them i mean the books are here
12:42would that make sense that is so generous that would be i'll just go and i'll fetch them quickly
12:47where the fuck are you going it's not happening how many times do i have to tell you it's event
12:51signing car i tell you what i don't have any lunch plans maybe um if they're free i could take them
12:57to that lovely trattoria around the corner and um maybe they could pick my so-called brains about the
13:03writing process i mean i doubt they've got much to learn from me they're clearly so talented but
13:07i'd be happy to lend them the benefit of my experience such as it is well that would be lovely
13:14he's fucking sick of this he wants to go the event's off you've blown it i'm really looking
13:20forward to the event car now he's going sebastian thinks you're a dick it's been absolutely lovely
13:26so his wife was dying he knew that everyone knew that so he goes over to calais to one of those
13:54whereas is to get a cheap deal on booze for the funeral you know the wake this is pre-brexit
13:58pre-brexit so financially it makes sense yeah good idea is it though financially speaking it's no
14:05brainer but my question is is it on on like okay morally speaking cheap booze for a do great but when
14:16the do is a funeral of a loved one who's still alive does that taste a bit funny i'd say anything less
14:22than five euros for a box is always going to taste funny no matter where you get it i mean
14:26is it all right my question is did he tell her yeah good question did he say to tell you what love
14:34i'm very sorry you're dying but we will have to offer some hospitality when that happens so i'm
14:39getting ahead on that and the great news is i've got an absolute bargain on a perfectly coiffable
14:44coat their own yes he did well in that case that's outrageous see this is a thing it divides opinion
14:52that's why it's a good one brought this up at christmas lunch and people went really quiet just
14:56thinking about it is that what you want christmas day oh yeah no point dragging it out if there's a
15:02pause in the conversation so you can get dishes in the kitchen or you can make a little noise in the
15:06back of your throat so that susan gets the dishes in the kitchen oh too right yeah you gotta push
15:10through it you gotta screw up your paper hat and start beating all this shit from the crackers
15:13big light on tell the kids to clear all this mess up yeah that's right cloth off table back to normal
15:18size and you can make a start on the tree yeah absolutely if possible i like to get the tree down
15:23by the end of moana they complain of course but i just say to them look it's a musical you can easily
15:27hear the songs over the hoover yep that's right in-laws in a cab slam see you at easter house back to
15:32normal and then it's done it's over you've done it normal you don't have to do it anymore
15:38because you've done it it's finished apart from the all-day baileys
15:42don't really like baileys i don't really mean baileys i mean lager but around christmas we call
15:50it baileys
15:51stephen it's finally happening she's asked for a word right yes can she say anything else
16:04she had something important to tell us okay i'm ready i'm getting ready just remember we've got
16:13one chance to do this right oh hello love do you want to sit down
16:20your mum says you've got something on your mind it's okay sweetie take your time i'm letting her take
16:30her time all the time you need for a while now i wanted to tell you guys something but something
16:37stopped me anyway i just can't carry on not saying i want you to know all of me well we want to know you
16:43too love and and we're we're ready to accept whatever whatever it is you want to tell us
16:51about your sexuality right it's all right love you can say it okay mum dad i'm i'm a right slag
17:03i just want to say thank you so much for trusting us enough to share that with us
17:13oh god that feels good to say aloud it feels so much lighter honestly i think i've always known
17:20since you were a little girl that i was a right slag that you were a right slag and you're not upset
17:26no of course not and your father's not upset either are you love no of course not i accept and
17:33love you whatever whether or not you you're a a right slut stephen dad i knew you'd be like this
17:42what what what what have i said she's not a slut i'm a slag okay a right slag i'm sorry i i just
17:49want to make sure i've understood help me to understand what what exactly does being a right slag
17:58mean to you just that i really like it up me right up i don't know how else to say it i'm a slag
18:06bag a hoe bag i'm over easy i'm happy with all that terminology some people would call me the village
18:11bike and you'd be okay with that just who i am it's who she is stephen but you're not a slut um
18:19no dad a slut gets stuff in return for sex money a flat maybe i give it away for free i put it about
18:28a lot with anyone anyone at all i'm a slag i gobble for britain and i'd like to know that you
18:37my parents support me as i do that is that so weird i suppose not no love in fact i tell you what
18:45on your graduation day next summer me and your mum will be there and in the audience watching you
18:50accept your certificate your special scroll and we'll be as proud as punch and if a stranger sitting
18:59next to me says is that your daughter she looks like a right slag is she i won't get angry
19:08i i won't hit him i'll say you're absolutely right she really is a filthy whore stephen what
19:21i don't know shopping took longer than expected so i'm just gonna try and beat the traffic i'm sorry
19:38i can i help you we are the goom who said that you must help us pat mills
19:55how do you know my is this telepathy our people are dying please help us
20:01how can i help you we are the goom we have pulled all our resources into the making of a teen comedy
20:09called high school faux pas right we've mocked up a trailer here on the laptop we would love it if you
20:18would give us some feedback okay i'm just in a bit of a hurry so our people are dying
20:28i'll take a look it's better if you use the headphones this is fine
20:36oh i'm not wearing any underwear i have to get to my first day of high school
20:42where's that boss i'll never get there
20:48hey kid i'm jj and i'm going to high school need a lift hey what you'll have to share though
20:59i'm taking my friend benny along to lose his virginity benny's a werewolf
21:06high school faux pas the new comedy for anyone who's ever been to high school certificate to be
21:16confirmed
21:19we do not know what high school is i see
21:25i'm probably not the target audience for this did you like it
21:29did you like our male lead matt rainford i would have liked to see more of him maybe
21:38a lot of people said they liked him what did you like least um i'm i wasn't too sure about the sound
21:46levels you didn't use the headphones yeah even so is that the finished we have another idea for
21:54a musical about a policeman oh called policeman faux pas matt rainford's on board okay well the title
22:04maybe
22:11what our deadly foe
22:15no
22:17we shall email you a link to our site
22:19no no i'll google it you should go now pat mills
22:27we are sorry if you have not beaten the traffic
22:33benny's a werewolf i'm jj need a lift need a lift need a lift
22:49god
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