- 2 months ago
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00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Michelle Wolfe!
00:00:30Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's great to be here. I actually haven't done a lot
00:00:43of stand-up this year. I took the first seven months of the year off because I had a baby.
00:00:52It died. No, I'm kidding. The baby's fine, guys. The baby's totally fine. But here's
00:00:59what they don't tell you about having a baby. A lot harder to tell dead baby jokes after
00:01:05you've had a baby. No one warns you about that. They warn you about everything else. They
00:01:11say your body's going to change. You're never going to sleep. No one, not a single one of
00:01:16you, pulled me aside and was like, hey, you know those dead baby jokes you love? Well,
00:01:21they're going to be a lot harder when you have an alive baby because you're going to feel.
00:01:29You're going to have a lot of regular bitch emotions. And you're going to want to recycle.
00:01:35And I know most of you didn't even like dead baby jokes to begin with. They weren't for
00:01:41you. And look, the baby, no, she's doing great. She's doing really good. You know who else is
00:01:48doing good? Me. Thanks for not asking. You remember me? I'm the one who's almost always
00:01:58holding the baby. And I do. I think one of the reasons I'm doing well is because I try
00:02:05to be like the best mom that I can be. I try to be like a good example and like a nice person
00:02:11and loving and caring. And I really try hard. But then I also still get to be a piece of
00:02:18shit on stage who tells dead baby jokes. And I genuinely believe that's the balance every
00:02:27mother needs. Because you weren't always a good person. Maybe the whole reason you have
00:02:33a baby is because you weren't a good person. But you're a mom now. You're a mom now. But
00:02:42who you were before still is in there. It's still in there. And you got to get it out somewhere
00:02:47or you're going to put it in the baby. And don't worry, she's not even going to hear
00:02:54these jokes. She's never going to hear these jokes because she's in the bottom of a well.
00:03:02Well, I don't know. Don't make them so perfectly baby sized.
00:03:12She learned to crawl. She'll either learn to climb or she won't.
00:03:15I do think being a mom has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Like, any gay men here?
00:03:31I've amassed quite a few gay male fans over the years. I would like to say to you all publicly
00:03:38now, we're through. Yeah, gay men, I'm not sure I like you guys anymore. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you.
00:03:46I'm mad at you. First of all, I know when you say you're mad at gay men, gay men are like,
00:03:49sure you are, bitch. You know? You like it. You love it. Oh, my God, you're...
00:03:56You guys were, they were grasping each other. Like, it was like, we do. She hates us.
00:04:03Here's the thing. This is why I'm mad, okay? So gay guys, you wanted your rights. That's not the part I'm mad about.
00:04:07That's fair. You wanted your rights, and we wanted to help you fight for your rights.
00:04:12We wanted to help you for two reasons. One, because we thought equality was, like, a good thing.
00:04:17And two, you had a great slogan. Your slogan was, love is love. And a lot of us, especially us white women,
00:04:23were like, oh, my God. Yeah.
00:04:32That's, like, just what it is.
00:04:37You guys revamped Live, Laugh, Love, and we needed that.
00:04:49So you guys wanted your rights, we helped you fight for them, and then you got them.
00:04:53And gay men, let's admit it, you guys won, all right? Charlie, you got the Chocolate Factory.
00:04:58You got the Chocolate Factory, you turned it into, like, a weird sex palace.
00:05:05The Oompa Loompas have very different jobs now.
00:05:10They're not mad about it.
00:05:12And all those things. I'm not mad about any of those things. I'm happy all those things happen.
00:05:20What I'm mad about is that women, we started losing our rights, and all you gay guys were like, okay, bye.
00:05:26Sorry about all that abortion stuff.
00:05:35Maybe I'll take the baby.
00:05:44Is it going to be mixed? I would love if it were mixed.
00:05:46I thought we were on a really good path towards equality.
00:06:02And then Netflix put that Jeffrey Dahmer documentary out.
00:06:06And they put it under the LGBTQ category.
00:06:12Which is fair, he was gay, you know?
00:06:14Not the headline of the story.
00:06:18That wasn't the final episode. It wasn't like,
00:06:20and can you believe it? Gay!
00:06:31So Netflix puts it under the LGBTQ category,
00:06:34and then a lot of people got angry,
00:06:36so Netflix took it out of the LGBTQ category.
00:06:39And that made me really angry,
00:06:41because you don't just get the good gays.
00:06:50You gotta take all the gays!
00:06:55Yeah, sure, sometimes you're Elton John, and that's great.
00:06:59And other times you eat people.
00:07:01Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
00:07:04I'm a white woman.
00:07:05We don't just get the good white women.
00:07:06You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:10And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:11You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:21And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:30Honestly, I thought the whole thing should have made gay men feel more equal.
00:07:34You know, it's like, look at gay guys.
00:07:36They can lure people back to their homes, murder, and eat them too.
00:07:41They're just like straight men.
00:07:42I really, we did, uh, we, we did, we lost abortion this year.
00:07:54I don't know where it went.
00:07:55Oh, it's probably in the alley.
00:07:56Could be worse, could be in the well.
00:08:06And we lost abortion, and they overturned Roe v. Wade.
00:08:14And my problem with the abortion debate for the last several years actually hasn't been with Republicans.
00:08:19Because Republicans have been very clear about what they've wanted, okay?
00:08:23Republicans, love or hate Republicans, you've got to admit, those guys are planners.
00:08:28They see a problem, and they will chisel away at it until the swastika.
00:08:41They've been trying to overturn Roe v. Wade since it became a thing.
00:08:44They've been playing the short game, the long game, and they finally got it done.
00:08:48Now, Democrats, Democrats also had a strategy to make sure Roe v. Wade wouldn't be overturned.
00:08:53And Democrats' strategy was, don't worry, it's not gonna happen.
00:08:59Democrats' strategy is the same reason you need an abortion.
00:09:12They're like, don't worry, baby, it's, it's not gonna happen.
00:09:15Democrats are very frustrating, because they're the least effective group of people I've ever met.
00:09:24It's like everyone else is running a regular race, and Democrats are like, let's go three-legged.
00:09:30And everyone's like, no, we're just gonna run regular.
00:09:34And they're like, well, we're in this together, so...
00:09:42And it's super frustrating, because they have a lot of good ideas.
00:09:45They talk about a lot of things that sound really good.
00:09:47They just can't get anything done.
00:09:50They can't, they just, they don't plan for any obstacles or problems.
00:09:54They just, and they can't get anything done.
00:09:57You know who Democrats remind me of?
00:09:59Democrats remind me of that old guy who started Jurassic Park.
00:10:04Because I think we can all agree a dinosaur park is a fantastic idea.
00:10:10We would all love a dinosaur park.
00:10:13We would love that.
00:10:14But this guy didn't plan for anything.
00:10:16He wasn't like, what if there's a storm?
00:10:23On my dinosaur island in the middle of the ocean.
00:10:31I'm not saying I would necessarily ever vote Republican,
00:10:35but I would definitely pick one to run Jurassic Park.
00:10:37They would have kept the dinosaurs very separated.
00:10:48And, if you remember this, one of the fatal flaws was,
00:10:52all the dinosaurs were supposed to be female.
00:10:54And so they weren't supposed to be able to have babies.
00:10:56But then somehow, they ended up having babies.
00:10:59Republicans won't let this happen.
00:11:04They'd be like, these lesbian dinosaurs can't have kids.
00:11:08Isn't Jurassic Park so much more terrifying
00:11:12when you think of it as a lesbian dinosaur island?
00:11:19You're like, I want to go.
00:11:21I just feel like there's going to be a lot of rules.
00:11:33Republicans, also very good.
00:11:34They're very good at naming things.
00:11:35They've got pro-life.
00:11:37I think we can all agree, pro-life is great.
00:11:39That's fantastic.
00:11:41Pro-choice, pro-choice is so dumb.
00:11:43It just sounds bad.
00:11:44You just sound like an annoying girl
00:11:46who can't decide what to order.
00:11:48You're like, what are you going to get?
00:11:52Pro-life is great. Pro-life is good.
00:11:55And we can all agree, we're all pro-life most of the day.
00:11:59Like, all of us like life most of the day.
00:12:03There's a solid 95% of the day.
00:12:06There's like 5% of the day where we're like,
00:12:08I don't know about life.
00:12:10This is...
00:12:12But we also know that Republicans are only like pro-life technically.
00:12:18You know? Like, not in practice.
00:12:20Because if they were actually pro-life, they'd care about things like,
00:12:23you know, healthcare and education and gun safety and...
00:12:26You know, they'd care about things like trees.
00:12:34And they wouldn't be like, who needs clean water?
00:12:38You can just drink oil.
00:12:40I'm like, I don't have oil either.
00:12:45So, like, they're technically pro-life, you know?
00:12:49It's kind of like if a pedophile called themselves pro-child.
00:12:52It is technically true.
00:13:02Super pro-child.
00:13:07I'm gonna let you guys sit in that.
00:13:14Is there anything more mom than drinking a warm beverage that's cold?
00:13:18So we are, now we're living in the world where we have to have all the babies, right?
00:13:31We have to have all the babies.
00:13:33So you'd hope that they, like, create, like, some sort of infrastructure for us.
00:13:36Because it's like, it's not just like one person having a baby.
00:13:40It's like, we're collectively having the future.
00:13:42And we should care about that.
00:13:45Because, like, you know, I don't think right now is going too great.
00:13:49So maybe we should just, like, you know, with the future just, I don't know, try something different.
00:13:55You know?
00:13:57And you'd hope there'd be, like, some infrastructure, you know?
00:14:00Things like healthcare and education.
00:14:02But also, like, you know, caring about moms.
00:14:04You know, you remember them?
00:14:07Uh...
00:14:09Yeah, yeah.
00:14:10Not everyone's even clapping.
00:14:11That's great.
00:14:13Uh...
00:14:15Feels fair.
00:14:16You're probably like, I'm annoyed at my mom.
00:14:18Uh...
00:14:20I don't care that she made me.
00:14:21She called me, like, three times today about her password.
00:14:24And...
00:14:29And we should, we should.
00:14:31You know, like, hopefully we get to a place where we can, like, you know, give, like...
00:14:36Have things like, uh, maternity care and lactation support.
00:14:40And...
00:14:42Paid leave.
00:14:44And...
00:14:46You know, pretend to give a fuck about women just, like, a little bit.
00:14:50Just, like, uh...
00:14:52One or two centimeters dilated amount.
00:14:57And hopefully that all does happen.
00:14:59But unfortunately, all those things are long-term goals.
00:15:02I do think there's something we can do in the short-term for women.
00:15:05Something we can do for women right now that will almost immediately change things for the better.
00:15:10And that is, you can make us clothes that have some fucking pockets.
00:15:13I don't know who told you we don't want pockets, but she's a lying bitch.
00:15:28We want pockets.
00:15:29I bought a blazer the other day.
00:15:30I thought it had pockets.
00:15:32It looked like it had pockets.
00:15:34They were false pockets.
00:15:36I was furious.
00:15:38It's decorative fruit all over again.
00:15:40Don't put grapes in front of me that I can't eat.
00:15:45And, man, you're riddled with pockets.
00:15:48You're lousy with pockets.
00:15:50You've got them everywhere.
00:15:51Your pants are looser, so your pockets are bigger.
00:15:53You've got pockets in your shirts.
00:15:55You've got pockets all over your jackets.
00:15:57You've got... you have so many pockets.
00:15:59You have a pocket for decorative fabric.
00:16:03And you have big hands.
00:16:05Man, you have objectively larger hands.
00:16:07And you're only carrying one thing.
00:16:10We asked you to get two things, but you couldn't find the second thing.
00:16:13Even though it's exactly where we said it was.
00:16:18And then, meanwhile, us women, we have very few pockets, and we have these little hands.
00:16:25We have small, little hands that you like because it makes your penis look bigger.
00:16:29We have these tiny little hands, and we're carrying so many things.
00:16:37We have our keys, and the coffee, and a phone, and the emotions of the entire family.
00:16:46And I know. I know what you're thinking.
00:16:47What about your purse?
00:16:48Okay, first of all, our purse is full.
00:16:50Second, we're not allowed to take our purse everywhere anymore, because all you men were bringing guns places.
00:17:03And for some reason, that means we're not allowed to bring our purse everywhere, which is crazy.
00:17:09Because we weren't hiding your stupid gun in our purse.
00:17:11If we were, a lot of those shootings never would have happened.
00:17:22We would have been like, okay, hold on. I'm looking.
00:17:32Here, you want this? It's an unwrapped tampon.
00:17:36Well, I don't know. You think they're very scary.
00:17:41How about a snack?
00:17:44You might not want to shoot so many people after you've had a snack.
00:18:00Just a lot. There's so much for women to take care of and do.
00:18:04There's just, you know, and then I also worry.
00:18:07I worry because, like, I don't think there's, like, a lot of good female role models.
00:18:11You know, like, I have a daughter, and I want her to have female role models.
00:18:14And I'm not going to be one.
00:18:17And there's, like, not, you know, there's not a lot of women to look up to.
00:18:21Because we don't highlight women who, like, accomplish things, you know?
00:18:24Like, I said this joke the other day, and some guy was like, what about Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:18:28And I was like, she's so dead.
00:18:34Like, she's been so dead.
00:18:37And also, you know, what did she really do?
00:18:43You know, couldn't even say she was a lesbian.
00:18:45There's just not, there's not a lot of female role models.
00:18:56Like, I personally love, I love Martha Stewart.
00:18:59Martha Stewart is 81 years old, and she's, she's 81 years old, and she's a billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:06And then also recently, she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
00:19:10Yep, and see, this is the entire problem.
00:19:15I said she was an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman, and none of you clapped.
00:19:21And then I said she posed in a swimsuit, and everyone got very excited.
00:19:26She's an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:32You've lost your wooing privileges.
00:19:35As soon as she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, everyone was like,
00:19:39is 81 the new 21?
00:19:41And it's like, first of all, God, I hope not.
00:19:45But also, that's not the significant thing.
00:19:48The significant thing is that she's a, she's an incredible, talented businesswoman.
00:19:54But no one cares until she puts on a swimsuit and lays down on a couch.
00:19:58Which, anyone can look good in a still photo in a swimsuit.
00:20:02You know what, I'm gonna need that cover to be a live photo.
00:20:04I'm gonna need to be able to press on the cover of that photo.
00:20:08And see you get up from that couch.
00:20:15But I think this is what happened.
00:20:16I think people saw an old woman who does crafts on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:21And they were like, oh, maybe that means me, a younger woman who also does crafts,
00:20:26could someday be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:31And here's the thing you must remember.
00:20:34Martha Stewart is extraordinary.
00:20:36You aren't.
00:20:43Martha Stewart is an incredible, talented, hardworking woman.
00:20:46She started her career as a model.
00:20:48She started as, um, as a model.
00:20:50But she's very smart.
00:20:51She knew that wasn't gonna last forever.
00:20:53And she was like, okay, well everyone eats and has a house.
00:20:56So...
00:20:58I'm gonna get into the eating and having a house business.
00:21:02And she did, and she made millions of dollars.
00:21:05And then she went to jail for like a little bit of time.
00:21:07And then she got out and she made hundreds of millions more.
00:21:14And now she's just dipping her toe back in the modeling world.
00:21:19She's incredible.
00:21:20She's talented.
00:21:21She's hardworking.
00:21:22You have a little bit of a mustache.
00:21:27But this is the thing.
00:21:28I think people, I think, undersell talent and hard work these days.
00:21:32We undersell it.
00:21:33Like, because we see everybody doing everything on social media.
00:21:36And we, I say we because I do it too.
00:21:38We scroll through it all day.
00:21:39And people are just being, like, kind of shitty at everything.
00:21:42You know, like doing, like, stupid lip syncs or those dumb TikTok dances.
00:21:46You know, the ones that are like,
00:21:51And then you see that dance and you think,
00:21:53Oh my gosh, I think I can do that dance.
00:21:55Yeah, of course you can.
00:21:56It's a bad dance.
00:21:59It's a bad dance that doesn't take any skill.
00:22:02All those people that do TikTok dances,
00:22:04They look like they're not good at sex.
00:22:09They all look like people who give up in the middle of a blowjob.
00:22:15Do you know what Martha Stewart looks like?
00:22:16Martha Stewart looks like she decides when you come.
00:22:19I'm sure Martha Stewart hasn't finished blowjobs, but not because she couldn't.
00:22:32It's because you weren't ready.
00:22:34The other reason I think people got excited when they saw Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit,
00:22:49It's because she's an older woman.
00:22:52And they were like, it goes back to all this body positivity stuff where they're like,
00:22:56See, look, old women can wear swimsuits too.
00:23:00And it's like, uh, first of all, you didn't know that.
00:23:05Have you not been to the gym in the morning?
00:23:07Cause if you've been to the gym in the morning, you know old women can wear swimsuits and they can also definitely not wear swimsuits.
00:23:18Like just like right in front of you too.
00:23:20You can just be like, hey, can I help you?
00:23:22And she'll be like, no, no, I'm doing good.
00:23:24I'm like, oh, okay.
00:23:25Cause we're just the only two people in the locker room.
00:23:29And there's just so many other benches.
00:23:38Like, I can't smell chlorine and not picture a naked old lady.
00:23:43But I think people got excited about Martha Stewart being on the cover of Sports Illustrated cause it's all this body positivity stuff.
00:23:56And I personally have always hated the body positivity movement.
00:23:59Yeah, I hate it.
00:24:00I don't believe you guys.
00:24:01I don't believe you guys at all.
00:24:03You're always, it's, you're always like, no, no, I love my, my thighs and my cellulite and the way my legs fit into my foot with no real ankle.
00:24:13You know what you sound like?
00:24:16You sound like a closeted gay guy trying to convince people he likes vaginas.
00:24:22Like no, no, no, I love a vulva and a labia and the way if you, you turn your head to the side and you squeeze the lips together.
00:24:29It's like you're having a little conversation.
00:24:34Hey, how are you?
00:24:37I'm good.
00:24:40Maybe tonight we'll just talk.
00:24:43We can share some secrets.
00:24:47Is it just me or the more I do that, the more it looks like it might feel good.
00:24:50I don't know.
00:24:51Guys.
00:24:53That's for a different show.
00:24:54I'm a mom now.
00:25:00So there was the, there was the body positivity movement and then there was another movement that came after it.
00:25:06It didn't last very long because it was so dumb.
00:25:08It was, it was even worse.
00:25:09It was called body neutrality.
00:25:11And this movement was, some of the people came over from body positivity and they were like, okay, you're right.
00:25:16I don't love my body.
00:25:18But I do appreciate that it works.
00:25:20And I'm like, all right guys.
00:25:23Um, we're working too hard here.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:29Do you want to know the secret?
00:25:30Here's the secret.
00:25:31Just hate your body.
00:25:34Hate your body and be free.
00:25:37I don't care if you're fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape.
00:25:41Just hate your body cause it's gross.
00:25:45We're all gross.
00:25:47We're all animals who don't have fur.
00:25:50It's weird.
00:25:57You've seen hairless cats.
00:25:58That's who we are.
00:26:00We're all just hairless cats walking around on our hind legs pretending that's okay.
00:26:08Just hate your body and be free.
00:26:12And if you want to look nice, if you want to look nice, you should look nice.
00:26:16You should try, you know, like you should get dressed up.
00:26:19But you should look in the mirror before you leave the house.
00:26:21You should look in the mirror and still find at least one thing that makes you go.
00:26:27And then leave anyway.
00:26:29Leave anyway and go have a good time with your friends who also hate their bodies.
00:26:39And we all know if any of your friends don't hate their bodies,
00:26:42if any of your friends like their bodies,
00:26:43they're not your real friends anyway because they have a terrible personality.
00:26:49Like, do you think I leave the house every day and think my hair looks great?
00:26:56Listen, my hair's doing the best it can.
00:26:59My hair is the same as like a stupid kid.
00:27:04You know, like you ask the mom, you're like, how's Max doing in math?
00:27:07And you're like, the best he can.
00:27:16I just hate, I hate all the body positivity.
00:27:19I hate all of it because we try so hard.
00:27:22Women are always trying so hard to look good and it's such a fucking waste of time.
00:27:26And then drag queens, you come along, you're not helping us out at all.
00:27:33You're putting in so much effort, it's crazy.
00:27:37You're like, like, I see drag queens where they're like, how did you make those eyelashes?
00:27:41And they're like, oh, I weaved three together.
00:27:43And I'm like, you gotta stop, that's crazy.
00:27:45You can't give us more work to do. This is crazy.
00:27:52I'm mad at drag queens. I'm also mad at drag queens. This is why I'm mad.
00:27:56You guys, you guys get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's fierce and fabulous.
00:28:02And then women, we get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's difficult.
00:28:06Yeah, feels like there's a bunch of double standards.
00:28:16Like in a couple of years ago at the Met Gala, which is like Vogue's big like fashion event,
00:28:22all these celebrities come, they dress up in gowns.
00:28:24And this one year, Blake Lively, she was wearing this like really beautiful gown
00:28:27and she like ascended the stairs to the Met Gala.
00:28:30And then like a bunch of men surrounded her and unfurled her dress
00:28:33and it splayed down the stairs and it changed colors
00:28:36and it was this big like wow moment.
00:28:38And it did. It looked very, very cool.
00:28:41And then I saw online all these people were like,
00:28:44um, drag queens have been doing that move for years.
00:28:49She stole this from them.
00:28:52And it's like, all right, you want to start pointing fingers, buddy?
00:28:54You stole the whole dress thing from us.
00:28:59Where you want to start?
00:29:03It's like if they found diamonds in the Congo and Belgium was like,
00:29:07hey, that's our thing.
00:29:10Yeah, I thought I'd lighten up a drag queen joke with a joke about colonization.
00:29:22Back to the real problem, drag queens.
00:29:25Like this year for Pride Month, uh, Target, they made these swimsuits that for,
00:29:34they were for women and they had a place to tuck your penis.
00:29:38And, and I'm not, I'm not mad that that swimsuit exists.
00:29:42I'm just wondering, can we use that as a pocket?
00:29:44Maybe we can have a place to tuck our penis like right here.
00:29:58And I don't know if you know this, uh, a lot of our penises are the same size and shape as a phone, so...
00:30:09And you never know if we're gonna have a right or left penis, so you might as well just put two pockets.
00:30:17A lot of people, I guess a lot of people are mad at drag queens because, um, they're reading to children.
00:30:36I wanna be very clear, that's not why I'm mad at drag queens.
00:30:39Um, I'm not mad about that, and I also just don't believe it's happening.
00:30:44Because I don't think those two people are awake at the same time.
00:30:54That's like seeing a vampire and a rooster together.
00:30:57I mean...
00:31:02Oddly enough, in this example, vampires are children, and roosters are drag queens because...
00:31:08Cocks, you get it.
00:31:12I don't need to explain that to you, you're very smart.
00:31:20But it is, you know, like now, I just, I think a bit differently about a lot of things now that I have a baby.
00:31:25And I, I'm a little bit of an older mom.
00:31:29I'm a, I found out I was pregnant when I was 37, so I'm like an old mom.
00:31:32I'm a young dad, but I'm an old mom.
00:31:41And 37 is too old to decide if you wanna have a baby.
00:31:45You know, cause you know how good life can be.
00:31:49I think everyone should decide, everyone should decide or have a baby in their young 20s.
00:31:53Like in your young 20s, before you're like, you have any money, you don't know who you are, you're still trying to figure stuff out.
00:32:00Every day's a struggle.
00:32:02And then you see that little baby smile and it just gets you through.
00:32:07I was 37 and successful.
00:32:12Like I've been on private jets.
00:32:14There's no baby smile that's better than skipping the TSA.
00:32:20And I wasn't sure, you know, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, you know, I think there's like, um, there's like a bunch of different types of women.
00:32:32I don't know if you know that.
00:32:33Uh, there's...
00:32:35There's not just one kind.
00:32:36Uh, and like there's, um, there's women who know they definitely wanna have babies.
00:32:39And then there's women who know they definitely don't wanna have babies.
00:32:40And there's...
00:32:41And then there's women who would love to have babies, but who are struggling.
00:32:43And then there's this other group that I found myself in, that's like the, uh, women who are like,
00:32:45I don't know if you know that.
00:32:46I don't know if you know that.
00:32:47I don't know if you know that.
00:32:48Uh, there's...
00:32:49There's not just one kind.
00:32:50Uh, and like there's, um, there's women who know they definitely wanna have babies.
00:32:55And then there's women who know they definitely don't wanna have babies.
00:32:58And there's...
00:33:00And then there's women who would love to have babies, but who are struggling.
00:33:04And then there's this other group that I found myself in, that's like the, uh, women who are like,
00:33:10I don't know.
00:33:13And, uh, that's when you don't know.
00:33:15Uh, and you either decide to have a baby or you run out the clock.
00:33:22And so I decided to have a baby.
00:33:24I was like, let's roll the dice on this.
00:33:26And a baby's a wild thing to roll the dice on.
00:33:30You know, it's like, I don't know.
00:33:31Maybe I can ruin both of our lives.
00:33:37Maybe I can start some generational trauma.
00:33:44Give you something to pass on to your daughter.
00:33:54And like, once I decided to have a baby, it's not like that went away.
00:33:57You know, it's not like I, all of a sudden, like I decided, I was like, I'm gonna have a baby.
00:34:00And then I was always like, I'm excited.
00:34:02Let's do all the things.
00:34:03I was still like, I don't know.
00:34:05I just kept getting more and more pregnant and being like.
00:34:18And, uh, and, and like I had, I had a little bit of a hard time with it because like, I also like, I have older friends who have older kids.
00:34:24And those aren't people you should ask their opinions about if you should have a baby or not.
00:34:30You need to ask other people who also have babies.
00:34:33Because they'll be like, no, you have a baby too.
00:34:35And we'll be in it together, you know, in the good times and the bad.
00:34:38But we'll raise our kids together.
00:34:40I have older friends who have older kids.
00:34:42And you ask them about having kids and they'll be like, oh my gosh, I love my family more than anything.
00:34:47Also, today I was on the way to Target and I was just thinking about never going home.
00:35:06No, I love those guys.
00:35:07I love them.
00:35:09They got me this necklace with all their birthstones on it.
00:35:12Feels a little bit like an electric fence collar.
00:35:23Turns out this is a job.
00:35:25I'm the boss and all of the employees.
00:35:27So.
00:35:30But it's so fun.
00:35:38And part of the reason that I think like moms think like that is because like, like moms,
00:35:41moms love their kids like a crazy amount.
00:35:44That's the other reason I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids.
00:35:46Because like, like I was scared of that amount of love.
00:35:50Like it's a lot of love.
00:35:51Like even if you don't have kids, you have a mom and you know your mom loves you like an annoying amount.
00:35:56Like you're just like, get over it, lady.
00:35:59And like I was, I was scared about that amount of love.
00:36:06But then I also realized it's the exact amount you need to love kids to make sure that they survive.
00:36:13You know, like I think if moms love kids any less, like a lot of us probably wouldn't be here.
00:36:18Like I think a lot of moms would have been like, this one's broken.
00:36:20We're gonna throw it back.
00:36:23Like I think a lot of moms would have taken that long minivan ride into a lake, you know?
00:36:29Like no, have as many snacks as you want.
00:36:32You can have screen time for the rest of your life.
00:36:48I can hear it calling in the air tonight.
00:36:53Hold on.
00:36:54Hold on.
00:37:01But that amount of love, you know, it seemed like it's a scary amount of love.
00:37:05And I was also worried because like, I love my job.
00:37:08I love what I do.
00:37:10And like logically, I knew it was gonna be possible to keep doing.
00:37:13But like logistically, I knew it was gonna be like really difficult.
00:37:17You know, like I travel all the time.
00:37:19That means I'm gonna have to bring like people to help me with the baby.
00:37:22And that's extra, you know, hotel rooms and flights.
00:37:25And then I gotta think about like, do I wanna be traveling that much with the baby?
00:37:28Is that fair to the baby?
00:37:29You know, just to be like going from like hotel to hotel and airports all the time.
00:37:33And it's like, where are we gonna put the well?
00:37:36And...
00:37:41It's just like a lot of moving pieces, you know?
00:37:44And I also realized that I'm really lucky, you know?
00:37:47Like I got to decide how much time I wanted to take off work and then how much I work now, you know?
00:37:53Like I got to take seven months off.
00:37:55Seven months is like, feels like a luxurious amount of time, you know?
00:37:59In Sweden, they would call that five months too early, you idiot.
00:38:03But in America, they say it's six months too long, you whore.
00:38:08And...
00:38:19And I also, I got to go back to a job that I love.
00:38:22Like a lot of women don't get to get that much time or any time off at all.
00:38:26And they have to go back to a job that they don't even like.
00:38:29Which is like, I mean, you have to go back to work, like your body's like a car accident.
00:38:33Like literally the frame of the car is your body.
00:38:37Like did you know, did you know your bones move when you have a baby?
00:38:41Like your bones are in a different position.
00:38:44You have to go back to work with your bones in different places.
00:38:48And you're just walking around like it's normal.
00:38:50And you're back there and there's like some shitty guy named like Jerry.
00:38:54Who's like, hey Jill, where's the data?
00:38:57And you're like, this isn't a heist movie, Jerry.
00:39:01But I emailed you the spreadsheets a couple hours ago.
00:39:05And of course you did.
00:39:06Of course you emailed Jerry the spreadsheets.
00:39:08But Jerry didn't see them because Jerry's an idiot.
00:39:11Jerry's always been an idiot.
00:39:14But here's the thing.
00:39:15Jerry didn't leave to have a baby.
00:39:17So he might not be smart, but he's there.
00:39:22And he's not like officially ahead of you.
00:39:25But he's like, he's a little ahead of you.
00:39:30And Jerry knows.
00:39:31It's the only thing Jerry knows.
00:39:32But Jerry knows.
00:39:33So he's very condescending now.
00:39:35And you're back at work.
00:39:36And you don't like your job.
00:39:38And you might not want to be there.
00:39:39Or maybe you're grateful to be there.
00:39:41And also that makes you feel guilty about not wanting to be with your baby.
00:39:46And you thought maybe, oh, I could breastfeed here.
00:39:48But the closet they gave me is too small.
00:39:50And I think there's someone like watching.
00:39:52And there's just like a lot of emotions going on.
00:39:56And a lot of things happening in your head.
00:39:58And I just say all this to say, I'm surprised that more women don't shoot The Office.
00:40:03They probably would, but they're just like, I can't find my...
00:40:13Where is it?
00:40:15Oh, you know what?
00:40:16I put it here.
00:40:17I put it in my penis pocket.
00:40:18I put it in my penis pocket because the cold steel felt good on my stitches.
00:40:28Don't get grossed out about that.
00:40:30Don't you dare get grossed out about that.
00:40:32That's how you got here.
00:40:34You got here because your mother tore her vagina.
00:40:37You don't say, ooh.
00:40:38You say, thank you, mommy.
00:40:49This is the thing.
00:40:50This is the thing I will never understand.
00:40:52Like, man, at some point you're going to have to explain this to me.
00:40:54Because you guys, I know, periods are gross.
00:40:58Birth is gross.
00:40:59I understand that.
00:41:00But you like gross things.
00:41:03Why don't you like this?
00:41:05This is right up your alley.
00:41:07It's literally up your alley.
00:41:10You like movies where people are shot and there's blood in the water.
00:41:15And you love when people are blown to pieces.
00:41:18You love Mortal Kombat.
00:41:20Every finishing move in Mortal Kombat is the grossest thing I've ever seen.
00:41:24Meanwhile, some woman's like, I need a tampon.
00:41:27And you're like, ew, that's so yucky.
00:41:33You know what?
00:41:34Actually, that's not a bad finishing move in Mortal Kombat.
00:41:37Taking out a tampon.
00:41:44Your own, not your opponent's.
00:41:48Like, finish him.
00:41:54Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
00:41:57Fatality.
00:42:08So I was worried.
00:42:09I was worried about having a baby.
00:42:12Because also, it's like, one of the reasons I think I was successful in comedy is because I didn't have a baby.
00:42:18This is like a lot easier to do without a baby.
00:42:21I know a lot of, like, male comics, they have, like, families and then they're like, oh, yeah, I miss my family so much when I'm on the road.
00:42:27I'm like, you should try taking them.
00:42:29You're not going to miss them at all.
00:42:34And they're there all the time.
00:42:38And, you know, they talk a lot about in comedy how comedy is, like, sexist and misogynistic.
00:42:45And I don't know if you know this, um, all jobs are.
00:42:56I feel like we only talk about sexism in the fun jobs, but it's, like, also at, like, CVS.
00:43:02And, like, I have a microphone.
00:43:04I can talk about it, you know?
00:43:05Like, they don't have, I mean, I guess they have an intercom, so.
00:43:09They could be like, um, there's sexism on aisle, all of them, all the aisles.
00:43:19And I'm not saying sexism doesn't exist in comedy, but after having a baby, do you know who I found out the most sexist people are?
00:43:26Babies.
00:43:29That baby doesn't come out and it's not like, all right, I'm going to split my time between the both of you, all right?
00:43:34Ready?
00:43:35Mom, Dad, we're all in this together.
00:43:37We're a team.
00:43:38Hut, hut.
00:43:40That baby comes out, you give that baby to the dad, that baby's like, who the fuck is this guy?
00:43:48He doesn't smell like us.
00:43:49Who is this?
00:43:52His nipples have nothing.
00:43:56Yeah, I think he's going to eat me.
00:44:00Of course I'm upset.
00:44:01I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now.
00:44:09Just the other day, I could feel walls all around me.
00:44:13Now there's no walls.
00:44:14I feel like I'm falling all of the time.
00:44:17I'm freaking out.
00:44:18And then you give me to this guy, who the fuck is this guy?
00:44:24I think every dad knows this.
00:44:25I think every dad knows.
00:44:26That baby might have learned to love you, but when that baby came out, it didn't give a fuck about you.
00:44:36That baby will hold you back more than a man ever could.
00:44:41And so you do get away.
00:44:42You do break away from that crazy baby grip.
00:44:45And you get back to work.
00:44:46That baby's not leaving your head all day.
00:44:48That baby's in your head.
00:44:49It's made a home in your head all day long.
00:44:52It's like, oh, you're at work?
00:44:53That's interesting.
00:44:54I thought we were having skin time.
00:44:55Oh, are you doing a presentation?
00:44:59I wonder how I'm doing developmentally.
00:45:10Oh, you're in a meeting and you can't check your phone?
00:45:12Hmm.
00:45:13Maybe I died.
00:45:18Maybe I died and you couldn't save me because you needed a work-life balance.
00:45:25To be fair, to be fair, I'm sure men think about their families at work, too.
00:45:40I'm sure at some point in the day, you're like, that's right, I do have a family.
00:45:45Oh, my God, I have two.
00:45:47I always forget about the second family.
00:45:56Don't tell them that.
00:45:57They hate that.
00:46:06So I wasn't sure.
00:46:07I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby.
00:46:09But I was sure about what I wanted to do with the birth.
00:46:13I was going to lean all into the birthing experience.
00:46:16So I decided to have a home birth.
00:46:18Any other home birth moms?
00:46:21That is consistently the number.
00:46:25One.
00:46:28Normally one lady who probably smells like tea tree oil.
00:46:35Use it as deodorant.
00:46:36Use it as whatever you want.
00:46:37It's good for everything.
00:46:43Here's what I will say.
00:46:44All jokes aside.
00:46:45No jokes here.
00:46:46If you are, if you're pregnant, you want to be pregnant, and you haven't thought about
00:46:51home birth, or you're thinking about it right now for the first time, I strongly encourage
00:46:56you to look into it.
00:46:57Because I will say, hands down, best experience of my life.
00:47:06Absolutely unbelievable.
00:47:07It was amazing.
00:47:08You really found out how powerful and capable you are as a woman.
00:47:13And it's also probably why we don't encourage women to have home births.
00:47:16Because, you know...
00:47:20That would be terrible.
00:47:21And...
00:47:22And...
00:47:23But there is...
00:47:24Okay, so the joke reason why I had a home birth, because it's funnier, uh...
00:47:34Is that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby.
00:47:36You know?
00:47:37And so...
00:47:38You know, if the baby came out, and I was like, oh, whoopsie, I could have been like,
00:47:48hey, look at that sunrise.
00:47:49And then just, you know...
00:47:52That's so crazy, a hawk just flew in.
00:47:57Does that happen at a lot of home births?
00:47:59Do hawks steal a lot of the babies?
00:48:13There's a couple big differences between home births and hospital births.
00:48:16Um, like, uh, at a home birth, you're surrounded by people who, like, love and care about you
00:48:21and want you to be able to, like, progress naturally and are encouraging.
00:48:24And then at a hospital birth, you're surrounded by people who are like,
00:48:27oh, no, it's an emergency! It's Thursday!
00:48:30So we have to cut you open!
00:48:35So that's a point in the home birth column.
00:48:38Um...
00:48:39But a point for hospital births is that, um, a lot of...
00:48:42You know, most hospitals, like, plastic and linoleum, you can, like, wipe stuff down pretty easy.
00:48:48And at home, everything's absorbent.
00:48:50Uh...
00:48:52So then later, when people come over, you can be like, this is where we had the baby.
00:48:57Would you like some spaghetti?
00:49:07I love to serve my guests spaghetti. I don't know.
00:49:13And really, I wanted to lean into this, so I was gonna have one of those water births.
00:49:16I was gonna get a birthing pool, uh, and I didn't know this about birthing pools.
00:49:20Do you know they're just regular inflatable pools?
00:49:24There's not, like, a special one for birth. It's just the same one you can use in your yard with your sad family.
00:49:29But I was excited about this, so that'd be, like, a gentle transition into the world.
00:49:38Uh, but I ended up not being able to use the birthing pool, because I ended up having a really quick labor.
00:49:43I couldn't use it because my baby, she came too fast, which is the last time she's gonna get to say that.
00:49:51Please don't take my baby, please.
00:49:55I don't even want to tell that joke. It's just there, and I have to.
00:49:58But this one, I am gonna need you guys to prepare yourselves for this one, because, uh, just trust me.
00:50:07Uh, so, after I had the baby, I, uh, drank a placenta smoothie.
00:50:15All right, well, first of all, we mixed it with berries, okay?
00:50:19So it tasted of berry.
00:50:21But also, your body made the placenta, and it nourished your baby and gave it everything it needed to be born.
00:50:29And then you have the baby, and you have the placenta, and eating part of it is supposed to help you recover both physically and mentally.
00:50:37And I know, even after saying all of that, you're still like, that's fucking gross.
00:50:44But here's the thing.
00:50:46You've swallowed cum!
00:50:52And what'd that help you recover from?
00:50:56Your body didn't even make that.
00:50:58His body made that.
00:51:00Who is he?
00:51:04How long's that been in there?
00:51:08What's he been eating?
00:51:09What's he been eating?
00:51:17But now, now I have this really great baby, rolled the dice, came out good.
00:51:21Uh...
00:51:23And I have this really great baby, now she does, like, baby talk, you know?
00:51:26She'll be like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:28And I talk back to her, but I talk back to her like I'm talking to you guys right now.
00:51:32Because I'm, I'm a fun mom.
00:51:34And...
00:51:36So she'll be like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:37And I'll be like, oh, that's interesting.
00:51:38Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:40Wow, I think so too.
00:51:42Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:43Thank you so much for sharing.
00:51:45Which is like, wrap it up, you know?
00:51:52And I like to think, I like to think she's like telling me about her, a dream she had, or, I don't know, maybe something she saw when we were out on a walk.
00:52:00And that's really nice if that's what it is, you know?
00:52:03But what if it's not?
00:52:06What if she's like, damn Jews?
00:52:11That's why I don't talk baby talk.
00:52:13I don't know the language.
00:52:16I don't want to accidentally be saying something super racist.
00:52:20And even worse, I have a half black baby.
00:52:23What if she's saying the n-word to me?
00:52:25She can say it.
00:52:26I don't want to accidentally be saying it back to her.
00:52:31She's going to be like, I have a racist bitch of a mom.
00:52:35And I have to be like, yeah, I agree with you on the Jew thing.
00:52:38It's very interesting.
00:52:42It's very interesting.
00:52:43It's very interesting being the white part of a half black baby situation.
00:52:47Because, you know, like, I'm a white woman, and it's, you know, I just have to be on guard to not be one.
00:52:53You know?
00:52:54So, like, we were at the airport bookstore, you know, like our local bookstore.
00:53:01And I think we can all agree baby books are garbage.
00:53:08But I thought I'd buy one so she could look at it for 30 seconds before she tried to lick everything on the plane.
00:53:14And so I, there's this whole series of baby books that's like, if I were a puppy, if I were a giraffe, if I were a unicorn, if I were a dinosaur, if I were an octopus.
00:53:27And then the last one in the series is, if I were a monkey.
00:53:31And I'm like, your dad's going to have to buy you this one because I'm not, you're not getting me with this.
00:53:36I'm not showing up to the counter as a white woman with a black baby and a book about a monkey.
00:53:40You're not getting me.
00:53:46Because I think all of us white people know, all of us white people know that there are times where we're accidentally racist, right?
00:53:51I mean, there's also times where we're very much on purpose racist.
00:53:56But there's times when a lot of us are accidentally racist.
00:53:59And you just hope the times you're accidentally racist happen in the privacy of your own home.
00:54:04But I can't be accidentally racist at home because home is where the black people are.
00:54:17And my husband, he's the black one in the half black situation.
00:54:22You can't miss him, unless it's dark.
00:54:29People get really mad at him because they're like, oh, you married a white woman.
00:54:32You've abandoned black families.
00:54:35And I understand the logic behind that.
00:54:38But I just want to like reframe it a little bit, you know, like as a white woman would.
00:54:42And I don't think of it so much as like he abandoned black families as he stopped a white family from happening.
00:54:51So he's really a hero.
00:55:02And there's only really been one time that like as a mom that I've gotten like truly furious.
00:55:04And that was when I was buying clothes and, um, do you know what baby clothes have?
00:55:22Pockets.
00:55:24They have tiny little pockets for, I don't know, your worries.
00:55:27And I do, I am, I find myself, I'm lucky enough to breastfeed.
00:55:38Um, breastfeeding's weird though.
00:55:40It is weird.
00:55:41Um, I've always been very supportive of breastfeeding moms, you know, like especially like in public.
00:55:45I'm way more comfortable breastfeeding in public than I thought I would be.
00:55:50I thought I'd feel really weird about it.
00:55:52Yeah.
00:55:54I'll do it, I'll do it anywhere.
00:55:55And, but like I also understand people's discomfort with it because like, even if you support it, you like don't know how to show your support.
00:56:03You know, like it's kind of, I feel the same way as like when I like, um, see like, like a person with one arm.
00:56:08You know, like, and you like make eye contact with them.
00:56:11You don't want to like look away right away.
00:56:12Like, you know, like, but like you also don't want to make a big deal out of it.
00:56:17You just want to be like, Hey, look, you and me just walking down the street.
00:56:22Two people and you're, but if you need help, I can help you.
00:56:27But I also know you do this all the time.
00:56:30So it's not, you don't need help, but you got it.
00:56:33But if you don't, you know, and it's hard to know what people do.
00:56:37It's hard to know what face that is. You know, it's, it's hard to know how to say that all with your face.
00:56:46So I, I, I get it. I get when people are uncomfortable, you know, and in, in America, you know, cause they just care about women so much.
00:56:54They, um, they put those like breastfeeding sheds in a lot of airports.
00:57:00Um, so nice of them.
00:57:04Uh, I personally, I personally have never used one.
00:57:07I don't think I ever would use one.
00:57:09Um, mostly because I've never seen a woman go in, but more importantly, I've never seen a woman come out.
00:57:14Also, I'm almost positive. If you open the door to that, you're going to see a guy in there being like, yeah, I milk stuff too.
00:57:27But I was, there was one day I was, I was breastfeeding my baby and she, she finished eating and I, I lift her up above my head.
00:57:44And yeah, exactly what you think is going to happen is about to happen.
00:57:49So I lift her up above my head and I think to myself, one of these days I'm going to do this and my baby's going to throw up all over my face.
00:57:56And this is how connected me and my baby are.
00:57:59No sooner did I finish that thought than my baby threw up directly into my mouth.
00:58:08It was so direct that none of it got on my face.
00:58:12It was just directly from her mouth into my mouth.
00:58:16She reversed baby birded me.
00:58:25And I was, I was shocked. I, but like I was holding the baby.
00:58:28So you can't freak out when you're holding the baby cause you're holding the baby.
00:58:34So I just swallowed it.
00:58:38And I know that sounds gross, but it's still not come.
00:58:46It went from my boob to her mouth right back into my mouth.
00:58:54Who is he?
00:58:57Thank you very much. I'm Michelle Wolf.
00:59:01Have a good night.
00:59:16Thank you very much.
00:59:18Please, please.
00:59:19I'll leave me alone.
00:59:21If you can derive me right,
00:59:25Make my love your home.
00:59:31The moon..
00:59:34Is rising somewhere in your eyes..
00:59:38Yeah, this is real.
00:59:42The life we came from sure.
00:59:44I'm shivering, sure I'm scared
00:59:49But I'm all yours
00:59:51So breathe, breathe, breathe, darling
00:59:55You can let my love go home
01:00:00Make my love go home
01:00:14Make my love go home
01:00:44Make my love go home
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