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Am I The A hole (2025) Season 1 Episode 1 - Bill Splitting Angst and a Gassy Girlfriend
#Am I The A hole
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#Am I The A hole
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FunTranscript
00:00Hello and welcome to Am I the Arsehole?
00:12If you've ever asked yourself that question, here's a quick test.
00:15If right now you're watching this whilst pretending not to hear a baby monitor,
00:19yeah, you're an arsehole.
00:20Here to help me define the parameters of morality in this new godless age
00:24to titans of virtue, please welcome Jamali Maddox and GK Barry.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:31Jamali, what's the most arsehole thing you've done in a relationship?
00:36Man, it's a long list.
00:38Yeah, this is the one I got in a lot of trouble for.
00:41I don't think I was being an arsehole, but...
00:43So I started dating a girl, but I had paid for the dating app
00:47and it hadn't run out yet.
00:50So I was still window shopping.
00:54I wasn't committing, but I was having a look
00:56and I feel like I'm not made of money.
00:58I think, like, you should, you know.
00:59So you'd paid for the app, so you were still swiping...
01:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was still swiping.
01:04..while you were with a girl?
01:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:05And this was frugality driving this.
01:09It was you going, I bet me, come on, I paid the money.
01:11Come on.
01:12Yeah, it was a financial decision.
01:14I can't believe you paid for it.
01:16LAUGHTER
01:17Yeah, I have no shame in my game.
01:21Let's go with that, let's go with that.
01:22Let's keep everybody happy, OK.
01:24What about you, Grace?
01:25What's the most arsehole thing you've ever done in a relationship?
01:28So, when I was younger, on the day that I had my first kiss,
01:34I thought I'd get it out of the way and also give my first blowjob,
01:37so I was just done with it.
01:39And then I dumped him and got with his best friend.
01:43So you kissed a boy...
01:46Yeah.
01:46..and then you...
01:47That's why I had to turn gay, I was awful to men.
01:52Now, at the end of the show,
01:53we'll be deciding tonight's biggest arsehole,
01:55and before you ask, as host, I've got immunity.
01:59Right, let's crack on.
02:00We all know why we're here.
02:02Let's meet our first contender, Sarah.
02:04APPLAUSE
02:06All right, now, why do you think you might be the arsehole?
02:20Am I the arsehole?
02:22Because I told a guy that he's putting on weight
02:24after just three dates.
02:27Ha!
02:29Sorry, three dates?
02:31Yeah.
02:31Where did you take him to eat?
02:34What?
02:34Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet,
02:36and you stayed there for weeks?
02:37No.
02:38We were just...
02:39We went to a pub each day,
02:40and, um, yeah, over the course of two weeks,
02:43um, we'd be met each other each weekend.
02:46He was just getting bigger and bigger.
02:48What?
02:51How much weight could you put on in two weeks?
02:53I don't know if that's, like, a...
02:54I feel like maybe that's nice,
02:56cos if I was getting a little bit bigger,
02:58I'd like someone to maybe say,
03:00I've got a referral code for Monjaro,
03:02or something, like, I wouldn't mind that.
03:05I'm so glad you brought this up,
03:06cos you have...
03:07I knew you'd be, yes.
03:08..bloomed.
03:08Yeah!
03:12I'm huge now.
03:13Stop it.
03:14Uh, so, what, you just...
03:15Why did you...
03:16You found him less attractive?
03:17What was the...
03:18Yeah, so, like, the first two dates,
03:20like, I had a great connection with him mentally,
03:22and I found him quite attractive,
03:23and then after the third date,
03:25I just felt something was a bit off,
03:27um, I didn't enjoy the dates as much,
03:28and then the next morning I woke up
03:30and it just dawned on me,
03:31he was just getting a bit too, um, too big,
03:33and his face was very round and bloated,
03:35and I had to tell him, yeah.
03:37The heart wants what the heart wants.
03:38I mean, you're very honest to sort of tell him.
03:40And now, did you stay with the guy?
03:42Yeah, so I told him,
03:43and then he said, oh, um, give me a week,
03:45and then he lost a weight,
03:46and then we stayed together for, like, a year and a half.
03:49And were you fine dating a guy with zero self-esteem?
03:55I like this, because do you know what?
03:57You hadn't slept with him,
03:58you knew you were going to sleep with him.
03:59You don't want to fuck a man that can't find his own dick.
04:02So I think...
04:03You didn't get that fat!
04:04Well, you don't know I'm trying to envision,
04:06but I think you did what you had to do.
04:08How did you tell him that he was fat?
04:10Uh, I told him over WhatsApp.
04:13I thought I'd be the nicest way,
04:15rather than face-to-face,
04:16cos that'd be more embarrassing for him.
04:17Absolutely.
04:17So I'm a nice person.
04:18And did he take it on the double chin?
04:21Well, we've got the message.
04:23Here's the message you sent.
04:24Oh, OK.
04:26Hey.
04:29I'm so sorry,
04:30but I've noticed you've become more rotund
04:32as the dates have gone on,
04:34and I'm becoming less attracted to you.
04:40OK, um...
04:42It's not great.
04:43No.
04:43It's not looking good for you, I'm afraid.
04:45It's not, no, no.
04:46OK.
04:47Are you in a relationship now?
04:48Uh, no, I've been single for eight years.
04:52It tracks.
04:54OK.
04:54Uh, well, you had a shot of happiness,
04:56and you blew it.
04:57Yeah.
04:58I think I did the right thing.
05:00Have you, have you had any,
05:02I mean, what's the, uh,
05:03what's the worst thing you've said to a partner?
05:04Grace?
05:05I don't think I've said anything like that to them.
05:08But I also think,
05:10good, because a lot of men will just say it behind your back
05:13to their mates,
05:14and you've watched shows where they do,
05:16well, she's fatter than my usual type.
05:17Fuck off.
05:18So I think the fact that you said that to him,
05:21I like it.
05:21I think that's actually quite ballsy, Jimmy.
05:24Yeah.
05:24Well, I think that, honestly, early on,
05:26of, like, it wasn't doing it for you,
05:27it wasn't doing it for you.
05:27I mean, you're an arsehole, but we approve.
05:29Yeah.
05:31We're not anti-arsehole on this show.
05:33We like arseholes, but the right kind of arseholes.
05:35I think it's kind of,
05:36you can't help what you find attractive,
05:38and you want it as more than a guy.
05:40Exactly.
05:40What are we thinking?
05:41What are we thinking?
05:42Is she an arsehole or not?
05:44Uh, yeah.
05:46But it's just, because you really got to, like,
05:49uh, no offence.
05:51OK.
05:52That's going to be awful.
05:53Some offence.
05:54Yeah.
05:55Let's be honest, some offence.
05:56You really got to break down what's going on here.
05:58Her whole persona is,
06:00I'm an arsehole, and I like being an arsehole.
06:03It's even, like, with the glasses,
06:04and I look like a villain from a cartoon.
06:07Like, everything.
06:10It's the Incredibles.
06:11It's the lady that does the dresses in the Incredibles.
06:14You've just been the fringe.
06:15I love it.
06:16OK.
06:16So it's, like, her whole persona is arsehole.
06:19And it's not a bad thing.
06:20I love it.
06:21But it's, that's the persona,
06:23so I think she is an arsehole.
06:24I'm empathetic with this,
06:25because I broke up with a girl once
06:26because she put on weight.
06:28Well, I say, she put on weight.
06:29Pregnant?
06:34It's the same, same.
06:36Regardless, I'm leaving.
06:38Um, no, we will not go halves.
06:40Um...
06:41I think you, I think you're an arsehole,
06:44but I think you've just got...
06:45He, this guy clearly had very low self-esteem,
06:47and you have got very high self-esteem.
06:50That's a good thing,
06:52but, eh...
06:53I think you're adorable,
06:56but you are the arsehole.
06:57Thank you, Sarah.
06:58APPLAUSE
06:59Um, I think the result was wrong,
07:10because, um, I don't think I'm an arsehole.
07:13It was really great that Grace was backing me.
07:16Um, I think as a female as well,
07:18I think she just got where I was coming from.
07:20So, yeah, it was good.
07:22I think if that was reversed,
07:23that would be such an easy decision.
07:25The fact that it's a woman saying it to a man,
07:27you're like,
07:28oh, I don't know, that's her personal preference.
07:30OK, let's have a look at tonight's intray.
07:33Am I the arsehole for ghosting a boyfriend
07:35because the way he talked to his cat gave me the ick?
07:39I'm out of it.
07:40You're out?
07:41Yeah, because I...
07:42I speak to Noodle as if he's got one brain cell.
07:47Noodle?
07:48My dog.
07:49Right.
07:50The poodle, it rhymes.
07:51Noodle the poodle?
07:54Yes.
07:55I get it.
07:56OK.
07:57Jamali, a guy with a cat?
07:58Yeah, I think it depends what he's saying to the cat.
08:02True.
08:04What is acceptable to say to a cat?
08:05Have you got an idea?
08:06What's good?
08:09Hey, what's up, man?
08:10You know what I mean?
08:11You're good?
08:11And the cat just goes...
08:12Oh, I love it.
08:16Yeah.
08:17Do you have any pits?
08:18I've got, yeah, loads.
08:18I feel like you've got a crow.
08:19I feel like you've got a crow.
08:22What is that?
08:22It just lands on your arm.
08:25No, fucking pirate.
08:26Jesus.
08:27I've got great cats.
08:29Parkour and pumpkins.
08:30Adorable.
08:32I've got my new guy.
08:33You're laughing at my cat's name?
08:34I can't imagine you rubbing a kitten's tummy.
08:36Like, I just...
08:37It's that evil person on the chair stroking it.
08:41That's how I see you.
08:44That's it.
08:46All right, where's, uh...
08:48Oh, Sierra, where's Sierra?
08:49Hi, Sierra.
08:50Why do you think you might be an arsehole?
08:54I don't think I'm the arsehole for this,
08:55but it sounds a bit arsehole-y.
08:57But I was jealous of my brother when he was in a wheelchair.
09:00And...
09:01It doesn't...
09:04Hear me out.
09:05It doesn't sound great.
09:08I used to push him over when he was in the wheelchair
09:11and when no-one was around.
09:13And then he'd kind of just be flailing on the floor.
09:15Incredible.
09:17Incredible.
09:18Now, what...
09:19OK, we're going to need a lot of detail here.
09:21Why was your...
09:22Why was your brother in a wheelchair?
09:24Because you pushed him over before?
09:25So, he got into, like, a really bad car crash
09:29at around three years old.
09:31It was his birthday.
09:32Oh, my God.
09:33And he was going to school to give his birthday cake
09:36to his peers.
09:39But he, like, was really excited,
09:41ran across the road to get to my dad's car,
09:43and then he got ran over by a learner driver.
09:46Oh, my God.
09:48OK, so, your brother's in a wheelchair.
09:51Why were you...
09:51Why are you jealous of him?
09:52Oh, he used to...
09:53But, so, this whole, like, nine months in the hospital,
09:5718 surgeries, kind of, like,
10:00it made him sort of the favourite.
10:02Yeah, I know, yeah.
10:03Yeah.
10:03Yeah, these children in hospital,
10:05they get all the attention.
10:07I hear you.
10:09Unbelievable.
10:09But was it by the 14th surgery
10:11you thought he was just milking it?
10:14100%.
10:15There was no need for the skin graft.
10:17He could have done that.
10:19Is...
10:20Is he OK now?
10:22Yeah, he's fine now.
10:23He's still an arsehole,
10:24but he's fine now.
10:27He's not the biggest arsehole in the family, though, is he?
10:30LAUGHTER
10:31APPLAUSE
10:32APPLAUSE
10:33APPLAUSE
10:34APPLAUSE
10:34APPLAUSE
10:35APPLAUSE
10:35Unbelievable.
10:39I mean, we're going to talk to some other people,
10:41but I think this may be the end of the show.
10:43I mean, this is...
10:44LAUGHTER
10:44Can I ask what you do for a living?
10:47What do you do?
10:48I'm in real estate.
10:49Oh, you should have said that to begin with.
10:54You're not an arsehole.
10:55You're a c***.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56APPLAUSE
10:57APPLAUSE
10:58APPLAUSE
10:59OK, am I the arsehole for breaking up with my boyfriend
11:07because of his obsession with Disney?
11:09Yeah, weird, grown adults going to Disneyland.
11:12You're 35.
11:13I don't know.
11:14I mean, if they're both, like...
11:15If they're both kids, if they're both 17,
11:17I think fine if he's still into Disney.
11:18If you're 12 and he's 45, that is...
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22OK.
11:23Time for a break now.
11:24Don't go anywhere.
11:25Do anything or check what else is on,
11:26because that would be an arsehole move.
11:28See you in two.
11:29APPLAUSE
11:30Hello and welcome back to Am I the Arsehole,
11:43the show where people seek moral validation from strangers,
11:46just like you do on Instagram.
11:48All right, I'm ready for another one.
11:49Levi, come on out.
11:50APPLAUSE
11:52Levi, why might you be the arsehole?
12:02That's a good question, so...
12:04Well, thanks, man.
12:06I make a living.
12:08Um, so, yeah, I might an arsehole
12:10for splitting the bill on the first date.
12:13You know what you are?
12:15You're a feminist.
12:16APPLAUSE
12:18So, give me some context.
12:25How did you meet this girl?
12:26I slid in the DMs.
12:28Let's just say that.
12:2920, 25, I slid in the DMs
12:31and I saw a lady that was attractive
12:32and I invited her out.
12:34But it took me a while to actually get to that point
12:37because she was actually ignoring me.
12:38So, after months of what seemed of pestering her,
12:42she actually accepted a date.
12:45So, I took her on a date to Nando's,
12:47a very upper echelon.
12:50Nando's is a solid first date.
12:52Yeah, yeah.
12:52It's a solid...
12:53It's...
12:53Who doesn't like Nando's, right?
12:54Everyone, like...
12:55There's something for everyone.
12:56Yeah.
12:56And then, what happened?
12:58I mean, the date was going...
13:00The date was going well.
13:01You know, the vibe was there,
13:02the connection was there,
13:03the jokes were flying.
13:04But it just got to the point
13:05where it was, you know, the bill...
13:07Um...
13:08LAUGHTER
13:08The bill came up
13:10and I paid for the bill.
13:12You know, as Nando's,
13:13you have to pay through the app.
13:14But, of course, I gave her my own bill
13:16for her to pay half of the bill.
13:18Oh!
13:20Yeah.
13:21For her to pay 50% of the bill.
13:24Yes, we know what splitting the bill is.
13:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:27Look, I don't think Nando's is a bad first date,
13:29but I think you could probably...
13:30It's not like...
13:31Me, personally,
13:33I split the bill on first dates.
13:35Don't make it sound emotional, bruv.
13:36You're trying to make it sound sweet.
13:38No, me, personally.
13:39You ain't slicking me, bruv.
13:41But, no, honestly,
13:42I split the bill
13:43because, um...
13:44I don't know...
13:45I don't know her like that.
13:46I don't know if I like her.
13:47You know?
13:48If she is my wifey,
13:50I will pay for the date.
13:51But if she is just her first date,
13:53I'm splitting the bill.
13:54So how...
13:54How attractive would a woman have to be
13:56for you to...
13:57I'm getting this.
13:58Um, it doesn't matter about attraction,
14:01it's about connection.
14:03I mean, he's very smooth.
14:06I'm thinking about fucking this guy.
14:09I'll buy dinner.
14:10Uh, what?
14:11Uh, so it's about connection?
14:13Mm-hm.
14:15Uh...
14:15Bullshit.
14:21Obviously, like...
14:23Obviously, women,
14:24we do have rights now,
14:26and that's great.
14:27Wait a second, I'm going to...
14:28No, I know.
14:30I know.
14:32Listen.
14:33I think whoever invites the person out
14:35should pay.
14:37If you've told me,
14:38let's go somewhere,
14:39and I've left my home,
14:41you're fucking paying.
14:42The next day,
14:43then maybe if I go,
14:44why don't we go here,
14:45I'll pay.
14:46You can't ask to split it
14:48when you've also already paid.
14:50That's insane.
14:51You're like Nat West.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:53Am I the only one thinking this?
14:56No.
14:56OK, thank you,
14:58because these two...
15:00Well, I don't know.
15:00So, what happened after the date?
15:02You drove her home,
15:03you went back to yours?
15:03What happened?
15:04I mean, after the date,
15:05I dropped her to the bus stop.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:08You hear that sound there?
15:10You hear...
15:10Well, you know what the sound was
15:11when you say I dropped her to the bus stop?
15:12That was all the moisture
15:14from every vagina in this room.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Wicking away.
15:19No, honestly,
15:20the vibe was just cold after.
15:22It was super cold.
15:23Yeah.
15:23Yes, it was.
15:23Really?
15:24I mean...
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26I want to hear from her.
15:27Shayla?
15:27Um, hello.
15:44Hi.
15:44Hi.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:45I don't know if you remember Levi.
15:51Unfortunately, yeah.
15:52So, you did Nando, split the bill,
15:56dropped you at the bus stop.
15:59Bus stop.
15:59Yeah, so, um...
16:01It's not a rom-com, is it?
16:03He dropped me to the bus stop
16:04and, literally, I felt like I could hear
16:05the skid marks of the car going,
16:07SCOO!
16:07As soon as he dropped me.
16:09Why didn't you drop her home?
16:10A gentleman would drop her home.
16:11No, you didn't want me to drop you home.
16:12No, I did,
16:12because after the stint of you making me
16:15pay you back,
16:16transfer you the money to your account,
16:18I thought, at least you could do...
16:19You made her transfer the money?
16:21Yes.
16:21Oh, man.
16:23He wouldn't leave until I transferred it.
16:25But you only went out with him
16:26because he pestered you, right?
16:27Yeah, because I thought,
16:28I might as well go.
16:29He might be OK.
16:30And he was a bit charming,
16:31so I thought, you know, why not?
16:32And then when he started getting out the notepad
16:34and his phone calculator...
16:36He got out his phone calculator?
16:38Yeah, and he had a pen and paper notepad
16:40and he literally slipped it over to me
16:42and goes,
16:43that's your half, by the way,
16:44can you transfer it to me?
16:45I didn't coerce her to actually transfer the money.
16:47I gave her the option.
16:49If she wanted to, she could.
16:51But if she didn't want to, it's OK.
16:52You gave her the option to pay cash or transfer.
16:59You have crazy big hands for a human.
17:03Like, like, crazy.
17:06It's not the only thing that's big.
17:07I bet you'd only put half in, though.
17:21I mean, this is...
17:22This is pretty easy, isn't it?
17:24It's obvious, yeah.
17:25But, you know what?
17:25Oh, Jamali.
17:26Listen, I agree with you.
17:30If she went on a date with a guy who said,
17:33I'm taking you Nando's,
17:35you have to expect,
17:37this is the guy who's going to turn up.
17:39Like, you can't, like...
17:40He didn't take you, like, somewhere extravagant
17:42and then go...
17:43He wasn't selling a dream.
17:45I would argue he is selling a dream.
17:46Everything he's saying is selling a dream.
17:50He is saying the worst stuff
17:51in the smoothest voice.
17:54Yeah!
17:54All right, so what...
17:56OK, what advice would you give to me?
17:58Yeah, what advice?
17:59I want to know.
18:00Super easy.
18:02Pay for dinner.
18:05That's it.
18:06And if you don't have the coin to pay for dinner,
18:08don't ask her out until you do.
18:09I mean, this guy...
18:16We don't need to debate this much longer, do we?
18:18No, absolutely not, yeah.
18:19This guy...
18:20Ladies, can you raise your hands
18:21if you think he's an arsehole?
18:24OK, does anyone think he is not an arsehole?
18:28Who thinks he's not an arsehole?
18:30No-one's put their hand out.
18:32Hmm.
18:33I'm happy to tell you, you are the arsehole.
18:36Levi and Shayla.
18:37APPLAUSE
18:38So I just want to just let the 50-50 people know
18:51it's OK to go 50-50
18:53and just be you and be yourself.
18:56Power to 50-50.
18:58I'm in a relationship now,
18:59and he pays for everything.
19:01I think because of my trauma,
19:03I accidentally put it on him at the beginning,
19:05and then now I'm settled.
19:06It's like he handles...
19:08He's like he's a provider,
19:09and he doesn't know what kind of cheapskates
19:10I was dating before.
19:12Mmm.
19:12But he provides.
19:14I don't meet guys like this.
19:15I don't think you've got to pay.
19:17I'm not that guy, but I think you have to offer.
19:18No, I like the fake purse getting out,
19:21and they go, ah, OK.
19:22Yeah.
19:23But think of that little dance that people do,
19:25of, no, no, we'll go 50-50.
19:27No, no, no, I've got this.
19:28Great, why not?
19:29Why, it's the first date?
19:30You're making a...
19:31We all need to turn, guy.
19:32This is ridiculous.
19:33So who paid for your first date with a...
19:35Who paid?
19:36No-one pays, right?
19:37You just go, we're lesbian, actually, we don't.
19:39And I'm in for free.
19:40I'm so sorry, but neither of us can pay, because...
19:42LAUGHTER
19:43OK, let's have a look at my intray.
19:46Am I the arsehole for spending the money
19:47I saved on an engagement ring on a tattoo?
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51What do you think?
19:52But if it was a tattoo of the girl,
19:54maybe that's all right.
19:57It feels like he's out of a relationship,
19:59and he's thought, right...
20:00Oh, yeah, then spend your money how you want.
20:02Drugs, whatever you want to do to get over that,
20:04that's fine.
20:05What's the worst tattoo you got, Jamal?
20:07Oh, mate, I'm fucking covered in them.
20:09I've got my one, where it's my handwriting
20:11and what I think dyslexic's spelt like.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16That is money well spent.
20:26Where's Sam?
20:29Hi, Sam.
20:30Why do you think you might be an arsehole?
20:33So am I the arsehole for shouting at a teenage girl
20:35for not giving her seat up on the subway?
20:38So you shouted at a teenage girl
20:40for not giving her seat up to a pregnant lady on the tube?
20:44Yep, and it's the first time.
20:45Where was it?
20:46Was this...?
20:47So we were at Victoria Station,
20:49we all got on,
20:50and her and her girlfriend took the seats,
20:52and they saw the woman in front of her,
20:53and she was rubbing her belly,
20:55and she was really sweating,
20:56and she was uncomfortable.
20:57You could see that she was pregnant.
20:58They just pretended that they didn't see her,
21:00so then I went up to her and I asked her,
21:02do you mind getting up and swapping with the pregnant woman?
21:04Well, that's the voice you used, yeah.
21:06Oh, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
21:07I think what you've failed to realise here
21:09is that a teenage girl in London...
21:11Eh...
21:11Eh...
21:12No.
21:12She might have been pregnant too.
21:15It's very true.
21:16This is very true.
21:18APPLAUSE
21:19No, I don't think you are.
21:26I think you're an everyday hero,
21:28is what you are.
21:29Thank you very much.
21:30APPLAUSE
21:31Yeah, wow.
21:36No, you're not having it?
21:37She's a busybody, mind your business, bro.
21:38You're out there shouting at the bottom of the bus, man.
21:44Shut up.
21:46I wouldn't have been involved.
21:48I'd be like, hey, shh.
21:51As soon as the girl got up, the teenager got up,
21:54I would have slipped in there as well.
21:57This now feels like public transport.
22:01I love it.
22:02All right.
22:03Am I the arsehole for insisting on planning my wedding
22:05when my boyfriend is paying for the entire thing?
22:09No.
22:09That's the dream, isn't it?
22:11Yeah.
22:12No man has ever said,
22:13oh, I wish I'd been more involved in my big day.
22:16Well, someone has said that,
22:17but that is a guy marrying another guy.
22:21Time for a break now,
22:22so why not grab yourself a nice hot cup of tea
22:24and throw it in an arsehole's face?
22:26See you in a bit.
22:26APPLAUSE
22:27Welcome back to Am I the arsehole?
22:41The show that's like a country vet.
22:43We are up to our elbows in arseholes.
22:46OK, next up, I have three potential arseholes.
22:48All we've got to do is decide who is the worst.
22:51Come on out, Dan, Yavita and Liam.
22:52APPLAUSE
22:53Dan, why do you think you might be the arsehole?
23:08Am I the arsehole for tricking toxic men
23:11into thinking that they're balding?
23:13Yavita?
23:15Am I the arsehole for farting in front of my boyfriend
23:17and not being sorry about it?
23:20Liam?
23:21Am I the arsehole for intentionally staying parked
23:24in a parking space,
23:25even if I can see others who want that space?
23:27OK, Dan, tell us more.
23:28So I worked as a barber back in New Zealand for many years,
23:31and you get all sorts of customers
23:32come through the barber shop.
23:33Most of them are decent, ordinary people,
23:36and you give them a decent and ordinary haircut.
23:39But sometimes you get characters come through the shop
23:41who might tell you a bit too much about their life.
23:43Maybe they are cheating on their wife.
23:45Maybe they've just raised the rent on a single mother.
23:48And at the end of the haircut,
23:49I show them their hair in the mirror and I go,
23:51it looks like you're actually going bald
23:53at the back there.
23:56Because what I would do is I'd grab the thinning scissors
23:58and very skillfully and carefully
24:00create an illusion that they were...
24:04..losing their hair.
24:07APPLAUSE
24:07You do tell your barber too much.
24:16Like, if I was having an affair,
24:18my barber would be the first one to know.
24:20It's something about someone touching your head, I think.
24:22It's just like, you feel like,
24:23oh, I guess we're friends.
24:25I'm worried you might be a piece of shit
24:27because you're aware that barbers could do this,
24:30and you look like you haven't had your hair cut
24:31in, like, four years.
24:32So, it makes me wonder about what you've done.
24:36Yeah.
24:38So, what was the worst thing someone said in your chair?
24:41I had a guy who worked out of a hostel
24:44and he was charging 100 quid an hour
24:46teaching other backpackers
24:48the art of seduction, as he called it.
24:50So he was a male pick-up artist
24:52and he would basically charge people money
24:54to teach them how to neg a woman.
24:57And I thought, oh,
24:58you were going to take a little bit more off the top, mate.
25:01I think this guy's all right, isn't he?
25:05Yeah, he's like a modern-day messiah.
25:07I think...
25:08Is there anyone who's been borderline,
25:10like, you don't know if to fuck up their hair?
25:11Like, you think, ah, you're a bit toxic,
25:13but I don't know, I can't judge it.
25:15I think the litmus test is,
25:16anyone worse than a parking warden?
25:19That's a good gauge, you know,
25:20because I guess parking warden's that thing of,
25:21it is a shitty job,
25:22but they are just working class,
25:24so you can't really...
25:24Yeah, exactly, so they're going to leave
25:26with the haircut they asked for.
25:27But if it's a parking warden who's, uh...
25:29His logic is fucking sound, man.
25:31You're impenetrable.
25:34I tend to agree.
25:35If it's a parking warden and he's got his AirPods
25:37and he's listening to, like, an Andrew Tate podcast,
25:40then maybe, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:41But don't you run the risk of them
25:43just looking like Andrew Tate?
25:44And it's kind of like...
25:46That was his...
25:48That's his origin story,
25:49is he had lovely hair.
25:51There's some guy cut it all off
25:52and he's like, fucking women.
25:54All right, OK, I'm not sure if you're the arsehole.
25:58Let's go to Yavita.
26:00Remind us of your question.
26:02Am I the arsehole for farting in front of my boyfriend
26:04and not being sorry about it?
26:07Oh, let it brave, girl.
26:08Love that for you.
26:09OK, so...
26:11Whereabouts are you from?
26:13I'll give you free guesses.
26:14People never land that.
26:15OK, we're not on a date.
26:18OK.
26:18OK, so you fart in front of your boyfriend
26:20and you're sorry, but you're not sorry.
26:23I just feel like there's a time in the relationship
26:25where you can introduce it, right?
26:27And it's OK.
26:28Like, don't you feel like this is exactly
26:30that you're in love, you're comfortable
26:33and someone else is comfortable
26:34with accepting that?
26:35Like, it just happens.
26:36Like, it's a normal human being thing to do, right?
26:39Yeah.
26:40Yeah, right?
26:41Yeah, everybody farts, yeah.
26:42And you don't want any mystery
26:44in your relationship whatsoever.
26:45I just think that when it happens,
26:47don't treat me like, I don't know,
26:48I've committed a war crime.
26:50Yeah, but how quickly are you farting
26:52in front of people?
26:54When we moved in, I would say maybe, like,
26:56a year and a half into it.
26:58OK, Jesus.
26:59Yeah, fine.
27:00Thank you!
27:00Yeah, because once it happened, like,
27:02in the morning, right, and you're like,
27:03oh, my God, I can't believe you woke me up like this.
27:05You need to go and see a doctor.
27:06And I'm like...
27:08Were you squatting over his face?
27:09What?
27:09I mean, you woke him up with a fart?
27:14Happened once, but, yeah,
27:16that was a bit of a loud one, I guess.
27:17I mean, that's kind of impressive.
27:21What was that?
27:22Are we under attack?
27:24Is there a war crime going on?
27:27You ever woke yourself up with a fart?
27:28Yes.
27:28Who the fuck is here?
27:30It's like grabbing the bat behind your bed.
27:33Who's in my ass?
27:34It feels like, uh...
27:38It feels like the pride in it is the thing.
27:40I think it's the fact that the reaction from him,
27:44it's like it's something so unnatural.
27:46It's like when he farts,
27:47it smells like Chanel No. 5, or, you know...
27:50Like, what?
27:50Do you know what I mean?
27:51It's like he just...
27:51You know what?
27:52I'm with you,
27:53and I agree with 90% of what you're saying,
27:55but I feel like you've weaponized your fart.
27:58Well, now I did, yes.
27:59It sounds like, but you're not just farting
28:01because you go, it's gas.
28:02It's like you've made it a punishment for him.
28:05You're like, yours doesn't smell like Chanel.
28:07Smell my shit.
28:08And it's like, you've just become mad about farting.
28:12Grace, what do you think?
28:13I think after a year,
28:15you should be able to rip some arse.
28:18Like, at least...
28:19Yeah, I don't think that that should be not allowed.
28:24Oh, she means fart.
28:25Yeah.
28:27I don't know.
28:28OK, all right, it's interesting.
28:31Liam, let's hear yours again.
28:33Am I the arsehole because I intentionally stay parked
28:36in a car parking space,
28:37even if I can see someone else who wants that space?
28:41Like, just to spite them, or are you doing something?
28:43So, if I'm leaving a busy shopping centre
28:46and the car park's absolutely heaving,
28:49he has me walking back to the car with the trolley,
28:51you know, and I can see someone, you know,
28:54caught on my eye,
28:54following me and start indicating in my space
28:58while I'm sort of, you know, loading the boot up
29:00with my shopping.
29:01What gives them the right to dictate for me to move
29:04out of that space?
29:05Who says I'm ready to move?
29:07Er, the fact you've been...
29:09Oh, sorry, I should explain.
29:10We've got a little thing going on called society.
29:12And we're all just trying to get along.
29:15So, that.
29:16Well, to be fair, though,
29:17if that is the case,
29:18then why are they holding up everyone else behind them,
29:20indicating they're getting into the space
29:21which doesn't exist?
29:24This guy's an arsehole.
29:25Yeah.
29:27Have you got your scissors with you?
29:29He needs to be balding.
29:30Yeah.
29:32It's like, your logic is
29:33that they're the bad people
29:35because they're crane traffic.
29:37But it's like, I know the water's polluted.
29:39I shouldn't then go,
29:40I might as well take a shit in it as well.
29:42Like, it's...
29:43Just because some things fuck,
29:45it doesn't mean you should fuck it more.
29:47Yeah, but I could be working in the car.
29:49I could be working...
29:49How do they know what I'm doing?
29:50Do you know what I mean?
29:51OK.
29:53I don't know why you want to stay there for so long.
29:55Like, if you're in a shop
29:57and you're packing in your groceries,
30:00you can't stay there anyway
30:02because you've got maybe chicken in your car.
30:04Yeah.
30:04So you need to go.
30:05Yeah.
30:05So are you saying then that you stay there
30:07just to piss people off?
30:09Just to get a sort of a moral victory
30:10because, you know what I'm saying?
30:12Like...
30:12Jimmy, I don't think I can make this show anymore.
30:14These people are fucking insane.
30:16What the fuck is he on about?
30:18What the fuck are you saying?
30:20These people are fucking mad.
30:25I mean, he's an arsehole
30:27because he wants to cause
30:30such a mass effect of
30:32disgrievance for no...
30:35Like, he's gaining nothing from this.
30:37Yeah.
30:39I feel like what you need is a hug.
30:42And I'm not the guy for that.
30:45Fair enough.
30:46All right, what do we think?
30:47Which one is the worst arsehole?
30:49I think it...
30:50Surely it's got to be Liam.
30:53Because it's obviously not Dan,
30:55but Yavita,
30:55there's something going on with her.
30:59I've...
30:59I'm going to say Yavita, man.
31:03You've weaponised the farting.
31:05It's just not on.
31:06I think...
31:07I think Dan is a hero.
31:10He's an Adonis cutting people's hair.
31:12He's got so much to spare as well.
31:15Yavita, I think,
31:15it's just a natural bodily function.
31:17And you're taking, like,
31:18a little bit too much pride in it,
31:20but fine.
31:21Liam, you're a sociopath.
31:25And also, you are the worst arsehole.
31:29Dan, Yavita and Liam.
31:30I think the people in my story
31:42who I was talking about,
31:43people who were, you know,
31:44trying to get into my space,
31:45I think they're kind of the arseholes
31:46and I'm not the arsehole.
31:48I don't know.
31:49I feel like we're all cute little arseholes
31:51just deep down there, you know?
31:52I think Yavita's story,
31:54I think...
31:54I don't think she's an arsehole whatsoever.
31:56And I don't think I am either.
31:57So, on that basis,
31:59I'm sorry, Dan.
32:00But, you know,
32:01how do you?
32:02They did go light on me,
32:03you're not wrong.
32:04They were pretty easy on me.
32:06I mean, he technically is
32:07gaslighting people's hair.
32:09So...
32:09And he gets paid for it.
32:11Genius.
32:12OK, time now to see
32:13if we've got any arseholes
32:14in our studio audience.
32:15I'm going to ask you
32:15a series of questions.
32:16If the answer is yes,
32:18stay standing.
32:18If the answer is no,
32:19sit down.
32:20Everyone on your feet.
32:21If you don't want to stand up,
32:22you can just raise your hand.
32:24OK, question one.
32:25Stay standing if
32:26you've asked a friend
32:27who's invited you out to something,
32:29who else is going?
32:31LAUGHTER
32:31Arseholes.
32:37OK.
32:37OK, stay standing
32:39if you've ever bought clothes,
32:41not taken the tags off,
32:42worn them to an event,
32:44and then return them.
32:45surprising number of men i would have thought the faff of returning stuff
32:57too much bother um okay stay standing if you put on a different voice when talking to a builder or
33:03mechanic oh we've got some hardcore artholes in this audience okay stay standing if you put your
33:14feet on train seats i thought i do that okay stay standing if you've ever not washed your bedding for
33:23longer than a month oh no we've got some proper skanks this lady tried to sit down and her husband
33:30just took his hand and guided her back up excellent um okay stay standing if you've ever driven an
33:40electric scooter to work ah there are some dreadful people in here this evening okay stay standing if
33:50you've ever dumped someone over text congratulations you're the biggest arsehole in the audience great
34:01okay time for a quick break but when we get back tonight's biggest arsehole is getting named and
34:10shamed see you in a minute welcome back to am i the arsehole uh we're very close to revealing
34:27tonight's biggest arsehole uh now some arseholes sadly couldn't join us in the studio tonight but
34:32they did send in videos let's take a look am i the arsehole for refusing to date guys who don't
34:38drive i was seeing a guy once who didn't drive and whenever he was in the passenger seat i just kind
34:44of felt like his mom that was dropping him off at football and i was thinking about dating this guy
34:49once but then i found out he didn't drive he just had this orange moped and i'm thinking am i going to
34:54sit on the back or in a sidecar like wallace and gromit maybe it's sexy to have a moped if you're a 19
34:59year old italian guy but not if you're 35 from bogner regis do you know what the sad thing is i'm 34
35:06and i don't drive i ride a moped okay why i don't live in bogner regis so i think it's a weird thing
35:14with how come you don't drive we just i can drive i just ain't got a license um yeah well this guy might
35:21have valid reason for not having a car like what well maybe he knocked over someone's kid brother
35:29could happen um uh i think uh i think not an arsehole yeah um let's have another one am i an
35:37arsehole for swiping right on all the men on my cousin's tinder so she was annoying me stressing
35:44me out so she left her phone lying around while she went to the kitchen to make some random food
35:49so i went onto a tinder and i swiped right on all the men that are not her type i literally went for a
35:55good like 50 60 men and she come back and there were so many men that just weren't her type all
36:00on her tinder texting hey hey hey and she was not happy about that but am i an arsehole for doing
36:07that i don't think i am yeah he's an arsehole isn't he sometimes opposites attract he could have done
36:14her a favor there also she's on tinder you've really got to take what you're given i think the difference
36:18it's your cousin you shouldn't do it to you but your mate you should but it's something about your
36:23friend where i think with your friend there's something fun in that you know like my favorite
36:28thing to do is i go on my friends when he gives me his phone it's on the instagram and i'll go to
36:32someone's profile and i'll go years and i'll like a photo so they just look like the most insane stalker
36:40excellent give it some baby reindeer vibes nice uh i think uh i think an arsehole to do that to his
36:50cousin yeah i think an arsehole uh okay uh let's take a look at another one am i the arsehole for
36:55hiding food in my room i just like snacks i like biscuits and i like to eat them you know just to
37:02comfort myself after coming back from from work and i don't want to come back one day to find they've
37:07all been finished by a flatmate but is it wrong with me not to share he looks like a guy that he
37:13talks about having flatmates but he lives alone oh i just want him to be okay
37:24i just he's not an arsehole he's just got he's he's okay he's just got some biscuits in his room
37:31you're not an arsehole mate you're all right i also matched your pillow to your shirt
37:37and you know you know he does the voices of these roommates ain't there like where are the biscuits
37:43and he eats them more quietly oh where's the biscuits all right let's uh let's take a look at
37:50the uh the last one am i the arsehole for running out on a one night stand and stealing their hotel
37:57room key basically i arrived i knew instantly when i saw them this is not for me so i made an excuse to
38:05nip out for something knowing full well i was not going back to that room because they thought
38:10i was coming back they insisted that i take the room key so i didn't really have a choice i stood
38:17in the hallway panicked wanted to put it under the door but they would have seen me and i didn't really
38:22want to have the awkward i'm just not that into you chat so i ran and i took the key with me
38:30well this is i mean this is sad because if it's one of those hotels where the lights
38:35you've got to put the key in so the guy's sat in the dark going any day now he'll be back
38:41it's a one night stand as well and that was too much commitment for him
38:44what do you think grace nice arsehole i don't think he's an arsehole i wouldn't ever give my
38:51room key to someone that's nipping out as well you don't know who they're going to bring back i
38:55think not an arsehole um okay let's have a final look through my intro am i the arsehole for not
39:00telling a man that the research he was mansplaining to me was my own oh grace you might not be aware
39:07mansplaining here we go yeah i just wanted you to be clear thank you thank you you understood didn't
39:15you oh well done love thanks what um yeah that's i mean that that's an arse all right the mansplaining
39:24thing is an arse am i the arsehole for turning the front lawn of my rental home into a wheat field
39:29yeah it was teresa may that wrote that how big does your front lawn got to be to have a field
39:41that is i mean this is a straight up nutter isn't it yeah i'm just renting the house what are you
39:46doing planting wheat that's like that's a prepper you're never getting him out all right okay am i
39:53the arsehole for sleeping on the sofa because my boyfriend of six months constantly dutch ovens me
39:59get her back yeah we need your vita back this guy's perfect they'd be so happy together am i the
40:10arsehole for secretly serving meat to my vegan partner that's awful it's it's well you're not
40:16respecting their beliefs but also they're a vegan so they're probably an arsehole as well it's
40:22that is a score draw yeah but they must think that corn's like so close to the mark mustn't they
40:29they must be going this is fucking beef we had it once with my my girl's vegetarian we had like
40:34the impossible burger that one in the in the states and like we she had to make me like half of hers
40:39going this is this can't be real really this can't be vegan but it was that's what i told her
40:48okay it's time to decide who's tonight's biggest arsehole a little reminder for you is it sarah who's not
40:54fattest but she is fattest levi who split the bill before the girl split or liam will pay and display
41:02but won't go away uh jamaali grace i think we've got to be surely levi levi the 50 50 guy yeah okay
41:11what what what do you think jama it's two strong contenders i think it's levi or liam do you know what
41:18i've got i've got to go with levi man you're going you're going levi you're going levi i'm going
41:24levi uh i tell you the tonight's biggest arsehole welcoming back it's levi everyone
41:34i think you knew i think you knew all along wow look at my tiny hands
41:39congratulations you are tonight's biggest arsehole how how do you feel i feel honored honestly
41:47i do i do yeah i feel honored okay maybe he's not understood okay now you got you got to make
41:54amends so we're going to make you make a pledge okay so repeat after me i apologize to shayla i
41:58apologize to shayla for making her split the bill at nando's for making her split the bill at nando's
42:05i pledge to make amends by not being such a cheapskate oh i don't like that last word
42:12well maybe change then okay i pledge to make amends by not being such a cheapskate
42:21and by recognizing if i keep making dates pay for breasts and thighs i will never get to see breasts
42:27and thighs wow who wrote this ai i'm operated by ai
42:36and by recognizing if i keep making dates pay for breasts and thighs i will never get to see breasts
42:43and thighs i've got a little something for you
42:49i think you know where you can stick that
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