00:00Tom, welcome to Us Weekly.
00:01Well, it's great to be here.
00:02So excited to have you here.
00:04Congratulations, getting back on the road for my crazy ex-wife tour.
00:07Comedy tour, yes.
00:08Comedy tour.
00:09It's great.
00:09This is my first sort of organized tour before COVID for sure.
00:14So it's fun.
00:15Yeah.
00:15Why was now the perfect time to get back out there?
00:17Well, I need the money, number one.
00:20You know, I have four ex-wives and two little kids.
00:23Yeah, I'm a single dad with a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old, but it's also fun work.
00:30Sure, yeah.
00:30You know, and people come out, surprisingly.
00:33I'm always honored.
00:34And then I get to spend, they're on a date or with their mom or dad or whatever.
00:39And so that's my adult time when I'm there because my whole life, my kids, their sports,
00:44their acting, their friends.
00:45We have a lot of sleepovers in my place.
00:47So it's all about kids.
00:49And then when I get out here, I really enjoy that people come.
00:52And we talk for an hour after each show too, which is my favorite part.
00:56But it's great fun.
00:58I always feel good.
00:59I'm always like, well, do I, oh man, I have to get up there.
01:03What if it, and then afterwards I always feel good.
01:05Yeah.
01:05You know, it's like a 12-step meeting.
01:07I always don't want to go.
01:08Then I'm like, I go and I'm like, oh, that felt pretty good.
01:11Right.
01:11That's how I feel about all plans that I make.
01:13I don't want to go.
01:14And then afterwards you're like, this is so fun.
01:15Oh my gosh.
01:17Yeah.
01:18That's fantastic.
01:19Yeah.
01:19So what can, when we come to the show, what are we expecting?
01:22Are we dishing all on the crazy ex-wives?
01:24Well, first of all, again, I have four ex-wives.
01:27And you can have three ex-wives and still kind of go, women, money.
01:31But if you have four ex-wives, you go, oh my God, it's me.
01:34And it is me 100%.
01:35I haven't had a day in eight years.
01:37No rushing on that.
01:39People say, my crazy ex-wife, oh, I know which one's that.
01:42It's Roseanne.
01:44And I'm like, she's not even close to my craziest ex-wife.
01:47Because we didn't have kids together.
01:48Yeah.
01:49You know, the worst thing she did was go on Saturday Night Live and say that I had a three-inch penis,
01:54which is confidential information.
01:57You know, you can take that to the grave.
01:59But even if 747 looks small, when it flies over the grand caddy.
02:03You know, that's not, but my fourth ex-wife had kids.
02:06So, you know, usually you have kids.
02:09I hate you, I hate you, but I love the kids more.
02:12Let's do this parenting thing.
02:14But it doesn't always happen.
02:15And, you know, you have to figure out a way, because a lot of stuff, it's public record,
02:19that is, was, it sounds sort of harsh.
02:21Like, she swatted the kids and I, where she called the police.
02:25Like, he's very violent.
02:27He's crazy.
02:28He's got a lot of guns.
02:29And the cops come in hot.
02:31And I meet him outside and say, slow down.
02:33Call your supervisor, because you've been here a lot.
02:35In fact, she called the cops so much that a judge put a court order.
02:38You could read it.
02:39It says, you could not call the police under any circumstances for anything.
02:43You will never see that.
02:44But I mean, I said, listen, guys, the kids are asleep.
02:48It's a school day.
02:48I'm not waking them up.
02:49You got to take my word.
02:50They're fine.
02:51And I got no guns.
02:53And then the cops leave and I have to wake up the kids.
02:55We got to hide the guns now.
02:57For real.
02:58Your mom is ruining everything.
02:59That's not even a joke.
03:00I'm like, oh my God.
03:01But you have to find a way to make that, you know, funny.
03:05And it's so crazy because so many things have happened like that.
03:10But I'm just grateful every day, you know.
03:12Probably makes me a better dad.
03:13I don't take anything for granted, you know.
03:15And my son's like, Daddy, why don't you have a Lambo?
03:19And I'm like, I could have a Lambo.
03:21But eight years ago, I got you guys.
03:22The court is very, very expensive.
03:24So, you know.
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