- 13 hours ago
Abbott Elementary - Season 5 Episode 2 -
Cheating
Cheating
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00It's always on me to upgrade this dusty-ass school, so I hooked up our old speaker system to Bluetooth,
00:04and now I can make announcements for my phone from anywhere.
00:07In fact, I'll make one right now.
00:09Attention! I have an important update regarding our school.
00:12My teeth are getting whiter.
00:14Ooh, I should tell them about the Bin Laden documentary I just watched.
00:17The bronze iron, the bronze iron, six, seven.
00:21The bronze iron, the bronze iron, six, seven, seven.
00:23What is happening?
00:25The kids are hopping on your Bluetooth.
00:27You didn't password protected?
00:28Thanks for your hindsight, Melissa.
00:30Welcome to the Keeping the Trash podcast.
00:33Topic one, they're selling your trash to Malaysia.
00:35That's what I sound like?
00:37Oh, my God.
00:45I love this song.
00:51I'll just get it past we're protected and I'll shut this all.
00:54Hold on now.
00:54No, it's okay. It's a vibe.
00:58Here we go.
01:07Look at me bringing Dora to the school once again.
01:11We found the first student in when he gets here.
01:30Hello.
01:31It is such a blessing to have our new counselor here to help the children.
01:37And she's doing an outstanding job.
01:39She's also quite tall.
01:41My name is Elena.
01:41Alomar.
01:42I'm the new counselor here.
01:44Abbott is the newest school in my rotation.
01:46So now I'm responsible for the well-being of 20 schools, which means I need to get out
01:50of here.
01:51Thanks.
01:52Such a wonderful addition to Abbott.
01:54She really is.
01:55And I have to thank myself for bringing her here, mostly because I haven't been thanked
01:59by anyone or anything.
02:02She's whatever.
02:05She's always so professional with how everything needs to be done.
02:08I don't need any more rules.
02:09And what rules do you follow now?
02:12Well, first of all, I follow the rule of threes.
02:14Mm-hmm.
02:15Second of all, I'm here most days, aren't I?
02:19I got a rule for y'all.
02:21You need to wait two hours between washes before you run that dishwasher in the lounge or else.
02:25Or else what, Mr. Johnson?
02:27Or else you'd be washing your dishes in brown water and not the good kind.
02:31The good kind?
02:36Why the bad water gotta be brown, Jacob?
02:38Yeah, Jacob, why?
02:39Come on in.
02:42Come on in.
02:42Come on in.
02:43Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
02:47Don't be rude.
02:49Say good morning to me.
02:50Good morning, me.
02:51Oh, good morning.
02:53He can't call me me, though.
02:55Oh.
02:56Yeah.
02:56That's my bad, big dog.
02:57I'll, uh, make sure he says misname next time.
03:00Yes.
03:01Tariq's girlfriend's son, Nick, is in my class this year.
03:05Truth is, Tariq's been surprisingly involved.
03:08He's killing it as head of the PTA.
03:10Very invested in Nick.
03:12They said it couldn't be done.
03:14I was they.
03:16You know, Tariq, I have got to hand it to you.
03:17You have taken on a lot of responsibilities.
03:20So, proud of you.
03:22Yeah, it's pretty, uh, hey, hey, Greg.
03:25Hey.
03:25What's up, bud?
03:26Hey.
03:27What's up?
03:27Hey, uh, I just want to let you know you don't got to worry about nothing going on with me and Ogre
03:30over here, okay?
03:31It would be inappropriate to date a co-worker, so.
03:34Oh.
03:34You don't work here.
03:35You famously don't work anywhere.
03:37Did I miss the show?
03:38This Janine Tariq-Gregory Love triangle about to get messy.
03:42We're going back to my classroom.
03:43Yeah, I'm going to head on.
03:45What are you doing here?
03:46Being entertained, I hope.
03:47I put your kid in your class for the drama.
03:50I have the only second grade class, and there isn't going to be any drama.
03:52There better be.
03:53Now that I'm in this monogamous relationship, I'm bored as hell.
03:57All right, son.
03:57Have a good day.
03:59And remember, forgot what I was going to say.
04:03I'm going to just freestyle.
04:05Nick, that's my son.
04:06Y'all know that he don't want.
04:08Hey.
04:08Better than I say two.
04:09Because, baby, who is you?
04:11I'm just an old designer.
04:12I ain't show up in no suit.
04:14I'm smoking.
04:15I'm excited.
04:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
04:18Sorry.
04:18I'm not better.
04:19I'm going to just go.
04:21You miss it, don't you?
04:24Miss you, Auntie?
04:25Yeah?
04:26Can I go to the bathroom?
04:28Oh.
04:31Of course you can.
04:32Jake Witt Morton tried to scare me that teaching middle school was going to be a nightmare.
04:35But here's the thing.
04:36You just got to meet the older kids where they're at.
04:38And one of the ways I do that is I let them have one curse word a day.
04:41And they love it.
04:44Okay.
04:45So I got some good news and some bad news.
04:47Good news is all you zaced your assessment test.
04:51Yep.
04:51Hold up.
04:52What's the bad news?
04:53The bad news is we were going to go over the answers.
04:56But now you get 10 minutes to play on your phone.
04:59I hope that's chill.
05:00Woo!
05:01Oh, yeah.
05:02You know, Jacob, I don't know why you had such a hard time with the older kids.
05:07You know, you just got to treat them with respect so you can suck it.
05:12I'm happy for you.
05:14Yeah, well, eat it.
05:15Because not only do they love me, but they also aced the test I just gave them.
05:19Really?
05:20That's impressive.
05:20You got some of my less focused goofballs in that class.
05:23Yeah, you can sit on it, Gregory, because some of us, and by some, I mean me, know what
05:28we're doing around here, so kiss my greats.
05:32What?
05:36Uh, Barbara.
05:37Barb.
05:38Why are you doing that?
05:39Doing what?
05:40Well, you just ran the dishwasher with three cups, two spoons, and nary a plate to be found.
05:45It's a huge waste of water.
05:46And you know, we can't start it for two hours.
05:48Jacob, I have been waiting for it to fill up so my mug will be clean.
05:52And I have pushed it as late as I can.
05:54Well, if you just want a particular mug, can't you use the sponge in the sink?
05:58Excuse me.
05:59That mug is the mug that Gerald gave me in honor of being a soon-to-be glamour.
06:05And this manicure is a work of art, not a cleaning tool.
06:15Did you see that?
06:17Whatever happened to community?
06:19Shared spaces can be tricky.
06:20That is a great point.
06:24Uh, may I?
06:27I think it is time Barbara learned the power of a publicly posted post-it note.
06:35There we go.
06:37Thank you for reminding me of the power of the pen.
06:40I didn't say anything.
06:42You heard me not say anything, right?
06:43So glad Mr. Menti teached math this year.
06:47I wish I could steal the answer sheets for all my classes.
06:49If you started getting straight A's, we'd definitely get caught.
06:53Yo, keep it down.
06:54Mr. D's right over there.
06:56He can't hear nothing with that big-ass hat on.
06:58Cam Newton-looking ass.
06:59Your students are cheating, and they had unkind words for my gardening hat.
07:07What are you talking about?
07:08The hat with the wide brim.
07:10The one that Janine got me.
07:11They hate it.
07:12Okay.
07:12And it was hurtful.
07:13I feel like it framed my-
07:14About the kids cheating on the test, you gagoots.
07:17How would that even happen?
07:18Oh, they found the answer key, took a photo, and sent it to the whole class.
07:21No, I let the answer key in my desk.
07:26I gotta lock my drawers now?
07:27What is this, my family staying with me?
07:30Yeah, you don't really have to think about that kind of thing with the littles.
07:32Yeah, you just leave answer keys out, wear a stupid hat, no one says nothing.
07:35Okay, no one said it was stupid.
07:37This will not stand.
07:42Okay.
07:42Yeah.
07:43What are you gonna do?
07:44Oh, I'm gonna get him.
07:45Don't you worry.
07:46Well, based on everything I know about you, I'm actually very worried.
07:50You the new janitor?
07:52No.
07:53Work hard, play your cards right, maybe someday.
07:56Mr. Johnson?
08:01To all, only run when full.
08:05Jacob.
08:06Well, who's this for?
08:08Could be Melissa.
08:09Oh, probably Janine.
08:11It's for you, lady.
08:12You know, that Jacob is becoming aggressively more passive with every year.
08:22I mean, this is ridiculous, right?
08:24I don't know.
08:25I mean, everyone should advocate for themselves.
08:32Exactly.
08:33And I will advocate as clear as day, so there is no miscommunication.
08:40You don't know me, Miss Alomar.
08:43Uh-uh.
08:44I had a down year last year.
08:47But this year, I am feeling mighty spicy.
08:55Wait, wait, wait.
08:56Time out.
08:57They got you back here in the nosebleeds?
08:58That's my scene.
09:00Unacceptable, dude.
09:01We literally know me.
09:02We could just put you at the front of the class.
09:04Come on.
09:06Hey, hey.
09:07Excuse me.
09:07I'm sorry, twin, but this is a VIP section.
09:10You got anything fragile in here?
09:12My pickle!
09:13Yeah, I know your pickles.
09:16I'm so sorry.
09:17Ignore him.
09:18Go ahead.
09:19All right.
09:19So, anyway, we need to say I'm working on it.
09:22Hey, remember, you're not just another kid in this class, okay?
09:26You're special.
09:27Because there was a time when I was the only man that your teacher knew.
09:30Okay.
09:31Hello.
09:31Yeah, and I'm single.
09:32All right.
09:33So sorry.
09:33What?
09:34What were you saying?
09:35Okay.
09:36Real quick, I made a list here of all the stickers that Nick would prefer,
09:40and he don't like to read on Thursdays, so let's just not do that.
09:44Okay.
09:44Got to go.
09:45Busy, busy, busy.
09:47Okay, Brainiacs, so since the last quiz was...
09:51Light work.
09:52Yeah.
09:52Yeah.
09:53Yeah.
09:53Light work.
09:55So I figured that we would have another quiz on all the stuff we learned this week.
09:59That shouldn't be a problem, right?
10:00No.
10:01No problem.
10:02Okay, so I tell you what I'm going to head to the bathroom as soon as I get back on my
10:07hand out the quizzes.
10:08I got my phone, keys, stapler in its place, answer key right in my unlocked drawer.
10:16Okay.
10:18So factoring in a little chit-chat with Barb, maybe a story from Mr. J.
10:21I should be back in exactly 10 minutes.
10:24You probably didn't notice it because I was so subtle.
10:27I planted fake answers to the quiz in my desk.
10:30These kids are about to find out what the Shementi name means.
10:34It means scheme.
10:35Schementi, the original pronunciation.
10:37They changed it at Ellis Island.
10:39And then Nick pulls a homemade hall pass out of his pocket that reads VIPP in Tariq's handwriting,
10:45yells, yer, and then goes out the door.
10:48Huh?
10:48I told y'all there'd be drama.
10:50Y'all the reason I don't have to steal anybody's password to Peacock.
10:53Why don't you just talk to Tariq?
10:55Well, because he's come so far as a human adult and a father figure.
10:59I don't want to discourage him.
11:02Maybe I'll just talk to Nick about it.
11:04Huh?
11:04Talk to a child about it.
11:06Awfully protective of an ex.
11:08I made O'Shawn flush his phone and empty his cloud.
11:11He's a really lucky man.
11:14Are you sure Tariq doesn't have Janine's phone number?
11:18I'm sure he does.
11:19Ooh!
11:20So tell me something and include my question in your answer.
11:22How do you feel about your girlfriend getting into a spousal battle with her ex-lover over their shared son?
11:29I'm leaving.
11:30Janine?
11:30No, this show.
11:33Here.
11:34Hey.
11:36Why is the dishwasher running?
11:38Uh, to wash dishes?
11:40That's what she wants you to think.
11:41Huh.
11:42Did you run the dishwasher with just a spoon in it?
11:57Jacob, you are unusually sweaty today.
12:00That is not an answer.
12:02Of course not.
12:04I put a single cup in there as well.
12:06Wow.
12:08Okay.
12:09You are being crazy.
12:11And I can say that because a mental health professional, Ms. Alomar, agreed with me.
12:15Backwards!
12:17She agreed with me.
12:19Well, I thought your church was against lying.
12:21Oh.
12:23Father God, forgive me.
12:24Because I'm about to show this young man his pants on fire.
12:28Let's go talk with Ms. Alomar.
12:31After you?
12:32No, after me.
12:33Oh, you.
12:36Is everything okay?
12:37Why are you moist?
12:38The dishwasher.
12:40And the brisk walk over here.
12:42Barbara ignored the note that you suggested I might.
12:44Please tell this confused young man that you are completely on my side.
12:47No, she's on mine.
12:48Mine.
12:49I'm with the student.
12:57What is her problem?
12:57She got a light attitude.
12:58Okay.
13:00I can't wait to see how well all of my genius students have done.
13:06You probably won't even need this pen except to write A-plus on all of them.
13:10Right?
13:13Um.
13:18Okay.
13:19You got all the answers right?
13:21Boom!
13:23So glad I saved my curse for that.
13:27It's impossible.
13:28You were supposed to get them all wrong.
13:29We knew the answers in your drawer were fake.
13:31So how'd you cheat then?
13:33We talked to each other.
13:34And remembered the stuff you lectured about.
13:36The stuff you made us read.
13:37The class discussion.
13:38And we aced it.
13:40Got you again, Mr. Mentee.
13:42You seemed way smarter when we were in second grade.
13:48Beaten by a bunch of bumbling sixth graders.
13:52Feels like when the Eagles lose to the Cowboys.
13:54Um, so we got to talk.
13:58Nick said he couldn't get access to a green crayon, which has led to this autumnal foliage.
14:04And girl, it ain't autumn.
14:05It is autumn, Tariq.
14:07No, it ain't.
14:08It's fall.
14:09She's supposed to be a teacher.
14:10I'm about to put Nick in the transfer portal immediately.
14:13All right.
14:13You know what, Tariq?
14:14You need to leave.
14:15Why do you still got him sitting in the cheap seats?
14:17His biggest fear is the back of people's heads.
14:20You're going to give him PTSD.
14:20All right, guys, one second.
14:23Nick is not going to get special treatment anymore, all right?
14:26All of my kids are special.
14:28It's not a punishment.
14:29It's fair.
14:32What?
14:32If I knew that you were going to treat my future son like this, I would have never dated you.
14:38What?
14:38Tariq cannot take criticism.
14:40One time I told him a song of his wouldn't work because nothing rhymes with orange.
14:43He told me to go forage in the storage for some porridge.
14:47Basically made my point for me.
14:50Hi.
14:51How's it going, Ms. Anderson?
14:52It's Ms. Alomar.
14:53Oh, well, please don't tell me you're going to ask my opinion on something.
14:56Now, why would I do that when I have so many amazing opinions of my own?
14:58I'm sorry.
14:59It's just I'm at capacity, and the kids are great, but...
15:03But what?
15:04Could we...
15:06Some of the teachers here, they're kind of a lot.
15:11First of all, don't be talking about my staff.
15:13Second of all, spill the tea, girl.
15:15It's just the teachers keep coming to me to settle their petty problems.
15:19Welcome to what I have to deal with every single day with these needy-ass teachers.
15:23You must have a lot of patience.
15:26You know what?
15:27I think I have more patience than anybody I know.
15:30Mm-hmm.
15:31Did you go to Harvard?
15:32Harvard, I did go there.
15:34I forget sometimes.
15:36No wonder this is such a well-run school.
15:39God, it's so nice talking to someone who is a consummate professional.
15:44I heard that.
15:46Ava, Ava, you were absolutely right about that counselor.
15:50She is manipulative, dismissive, and rude.
15:53She must go.
15:54Mm-hmm.
15:55Listen, I've known both of you way longer than I've known her.
15:59Yes.
16:00And that's why I must take her side on this.
16:02What?
16:03She said y'all getting on her nerves.
16:05Interrupting her when she's with the kids, doing the job she's supposed to do.
16:09She's not going anywhere.
16:10But I am a Harvard-trained consummate professional who is extremely patient.
16:16Now get the hell out.
16:17So, how'd the, uh, revenge go?
16:22Not well.
16:24Okay, what happened?
16:25Okay, so I planned, like, the fake answer key to a test.
16:28Uh-huh.
16:29And these little cheaters figured it out.
16:31So they quickly, like, cracked open their textbooks, studied up on the material, took the test, and did great.
16:37So they learned?
16:38Yeah, exactly.
16:39How am I supposed to counter that?
16:40I don't think you should.
16:43Hello, Melissa.
16:44How are they super easy-to-handle middle schoolers?
16:46Jacob, I swear to God.
16:47I'm too fast.
16:48You can't catch me.
16:49So it seems Melissa the bully is herself getting bullied by a bunch of little kids.
16:54I was going to tell her to eat it, but I, I got too scared.
16:59Look, I love my first graders, but it is a completely different vibe when I'm with the older goofballs.
17:05Yes, they are more challenging.
17:07They keep you on your toes.
17:08They sure do.
17:09Mm-hmm.
17:09And, you know, I could have figured out their next move.
17:12I'm just, you know, a little rusty.
17:15Second graders made me soft.
17:16Why are you smiling?
17:21I got to get back in the fighting shape.
17:26Melissa, you do know you cannot fight the children, right?
17:28I know.
17:29I'm not going to-
17:30Just making sure.
17:30I'm not going to fight them good.
17:33I'm going to teach them.
17:38Have you not been doing that this whole time?
17:39There's no fighting over the brushes.
17:43If you want another, they're-
17:45Tariq?
17:51Tariq, I can see you.
17:53Bang.
17:55You always could, Janine.
17:56Oh, my God.
17:57Look, I've been reflecting.
18:00I've, you know, been looking at the mirror, the man in there, Michael Jackson, he had a monkey.
18:07What was I saying?
18:09I think you were trying to apologize.
18:11No.
18:11No, no, that's, nah.
18:14Dad, no, that, that was it.
18:16Look, I just want the best for Nick.
18:18And that is a teacher who treats all the kids fairly.
18:21Wow.
18:23I'm really happy to hear you say that.
18:25Thank you, Tariq.
18:26You really have grown.
18:27I know.
18:29It's pretty lame.
18:31Oh.
18:32Boo!
18:33No kiss?
18:34No fantasy sweet?
18:36Tariq's short-ass seasons are terrible finales.
18:40Oh, God.
18:49Hey, Barbara, can I, can I talk to you?
18:51Jacob, I have not touched your precious dishwasher.
18:54I know.
18:55I just, I was thinking about Ms. Alomar, and, you know, she's here for the kids, and they really like her.
19:02Indeed they do.
19:03So, in the spirit of fostering a healthy atmosphere and setting a good example, I brought you a peace offering.
19:09The glamour options were limited, but I think this one also suits you.
19:13Number one diva.
19:16I can work with that.
19:17Thank you, Jacob.
19:19And quite honestly, I was feeling bad, too.
19:22And so, I purchased these, so that I could wash my single mug without ruining my manicure.
19:31Oh.
19:32Hmm.
19:33Oh!
19:34Hey, uh, just the person we want to see.
19:36Ms. Alomar, we would...
19:37Oh.
19:40What is the problem?
19:42Listen, you are not in trouble, okay?
19:46I can respect when I got got, but you just can never cheat again, okay?
19:52Yeah.
19:52Yeah.
19:53Okay.
19:54It did make me realize how much I have to teach you.
19:58Like, when you're...
19:58Write this down.
19:59When you are pulling a job, you got to keep the conspiracy small, okay?
20:04You got too many loose lips.
20:06Those goofballs, they gossip more than the real housewives.
20:09You know it's true.
20:10Worse, you burned your best scheme on a test you already had in the bag.
20:14And now that I know you know it, the next ones are going to be even harder.
20:18Bring it.
20:19Oh, I will.
20:20I'm going to be on you from here on out.
20:23It's going to be a good year.
20:25Okay.
20:26Crack those textbooks.
20:28Let's get into it.
20:30Did you know you can use a dishwasher to cook salmon?
20:36Let me demonstrate.
20:38First, season your salmon in taste.
20:42Then you wrap your salmon up, like so.
20:45You select the salmon option on your dishwasher.
20:49Let's just buy some pans.
20:55Here's one I prepared earlier.
20:56After one cycle, you should have a perfectly cooked salmon that looks just like this.
21:07Damn, it's overdone.
21:09I think I'll wash this at home.
21:11She's a bit of an odd duck.
21:13Speaking of duck, you can also use a dishwasher to cook duck.
21:17Now, the duck a la wrong.
21:21Are they here for the right reasons?
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