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Jim.Jefferies.And.Friends.2025.S01E01
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00:00Strap yourselves in, because it's time for Jim Jeffreys and Friends.
00:04Starring Arge Barker, Mel Bottle, Canadian superstar Glenn Wool and Nicky Osborne.
00:12Now, please welcome Jim Jeffreys.
00:21Thank you, sir.
00:24Don't think it goes unnoticed, mate.
00:27Only one of you did the standing ovation.
00:30Thank you, sir.
00:32No, no, no.
00:35First of all, this won't get on the show, but well done, Channel 7.
00:39Eh?
00:39Channel 7, the only network that would fucking have me on.
00:43There was something...
00:44Channel 7 go like this.
00:46I'll just give him a game show.
00:48And they're like, have you Googled his material?
00:50Nah.
00:50Just...
00:51I think he says **** a lot.
00:55Yeah, give him a game show.
00:58And then the game show did well, and they're like this, do you want to do a stand-up show?
01:02And I'm like, ah, well, there'll be a lot of swearing.
01:05And they were like, we're Channel 7, we don't care, we'll put it on at 9.30.
01:09Nowhere else in the world would fucking put this level of swearing on network TV except for Australia.
01:16God bless you.
01:18One of my favourite things about Australia, right, is that we're the only nation in the world
01:23that have a practical joke that we've all agreed on.
01:29And the entire nation has done this.
01:31And if you tell other people, if you tell kids or foreigners about this, you're a fucking rat fuck.
01:41And what's that practical joke?
01:43Drop bears.
01:44Two fucking rioters.
01:45That's why I never want this show to air overseas.
01:49Just in here.
01:51We can't let the others know.
01:54I fucking love the drop bears.
01:56I've done it to me children.
01:58Every girl I've ever brought back to Australia, I've fucking done the drop bears.
02:02It's brilliant.
02:02But my wife, I got married during COVID to a British woman.
02:10I moans a lot.
02:11Anyway, so, you know how they are.
02:20Anyway, so I got married to a British woman, right?
02:24And so, during COVID, I got her pregnant because what else was there to do?
02:29There was nothing to do.
02:30You can only watch so many TV shows before you've got someone fucking pregnant.
02:35Anyway.
02:36See, that's the worst thing about being heterosexual, right?
02:40Worst thing about being heterosexual is that we have kids.
02:45Now, I know we're in Melbourne, so there's a lot of you like this.
02:49Oh, I think you'll find that gay people can have kids as well.
02:52Not by accident!
02:53But I love them.
03:01I love them.
03:07Anyway, so my wife, pregnant.
03:09We came out to Australia to film a documentary that never saw the light of day.
03:13We're out here, and my wife's pregnant, and she's the first day in Australia, and we have
03:18to do something out in the bush, right?
03:20And they're filming us, and we just met the crew, and we're walking along, and we're walking
03:24through the bush, and you start subtle with it, don't you?
03:27Right?
03:27You don't go in too hard.
03:29You don't get to the edge of the bush and go, bloody drop bears in there.
03:32You've got to give it a bit of this.
03:39Just a subtle.
03:43Until eventually, she's like, what?
03:45What's going on?
03:46I'm like, it's nothing.
03:52No, we're good.
03:52No, we are.
03:53We're good.
03:54We're good.
03:55What is it?
03:56And I go, okay, well, I don't want to upset you.
04:00Now, the guy's filming us over there.
04:01I go, I don't want to upset you, but there's these animals called drop bears, and they're
04:08like koala-like animals that are in the trees, and when they see you, they drop down, and
04:14then they grab you on the face, and they start clawing your face off.
04:20But they're very rare, right?
04:24So I wouldn't worry about it.
04:26And then the cameraman dropped his camera like this.
04:31My cousin died from one.
04:40And then right there, I don't even know that guy's name.
04:42Me and him now?
04:44We're fucking mates for life, right?
04:46We're mates for life.
04:48We're in, because that's your job as an Australian, is to join in.
04:52When you hear others mention the drop bears, you confirm.
04:55All right, so now my wife, who's pregnant, is terrified all day.
05:01Great joke, right?
05:03Later on in the day, she's getting her make-up done before we do the next bit of the documentary.
05:09A woman from the crew, British girl, right?
05:12You know the type.
05:13Straight from fruit picking, right?
05:15Now she's putting the make-up on my wife, and she goes,
05:21don't let those boys upset you.
05:24Don't let those boys upset you.
05:26I've only ever seen two of them.
05:28And I'm like, oh, good for you.
05:33Because she had had the drop bear joke played on her.
05:36And your reward is, then you become part of the drop bear joke, and you pass it on to others.
05:44So now my wife's really terrified.
05:46I thought, that's the fucking end of it, right?
05:49And then out of nowhere, my wife's in the make-up chair.
05:51I've only ever seen two.
05:52Then a bloke who had nothing to do with production.
05:55Who was just walking through the bush.
05:58You know the type of bloke, old fella.
06:01He's got a plastic bag, and it just has an apple in it.
06:03And he walked out, and he went, no, they're bad this season.
06:13So that really did happen.
06:15And then at the end, my wife comes back to LA.
06:18We're in LA.
06:19She's talking to her friend.
06:21She's, you know, pregnant.
06:22She's talking to her agent.
06:24My wife's an actress.
06:24She's talking to her agent on the phone.
06:26And she's like this, oh, yes, we had a lovely trip to Australia.
06:29It was wonderful.
06:30It was a shame it got shut down.
06:31But I tell you what, I was scared of those.
06:33And then she starts telling this person.
06:38She's like, they're bears with claws that fall from trees.
06:41And I'm like, oh, no.
06:45It's gone too far.
06:48Her agent's going to think that she's mentally challenged.
06:50And my wife got off the phone, and I went, hey, the drop bear thing.
07:03It's not true.
07:06What?
07:08None of it's true.
07:09She goes, but the cameraman and the man with the bag and the apple.
07:13They were just fine Australians.
07:22Except here's the deal.
07:25Now you are part of it.
07:30Now you can tell.
07:32When that child comes out of you, in a few short years together, we can tell him or her about the drop bears.
07:43And my wife said, I'll never tell our child about drop bears.
07:47And I went, then you'll never be Australian.
07:49My father is in the audience.
08:07My dad and my uncle Brian, they look like the two old c***s from The Muppet Show, don't they?
08:12Now, if you've ever enjoyed my comedy over the years, if you've found me funny, if you've liked my work, that man, you have to thank that man.
08:24Because all I've done my whole life is impersonate him.
08:29He's the funniest man on earth.
08:32But also, if you have found me irritating, opinionated, and a bit of an arsehole at times, you can thank him.
08:40You can thank him.
08:42He's also, it all comes to him.
08:47He is what he is.
08:48I brought him up that way, I suppose.
08:50And I'm very proud of him.
08:53Yes.
08:54Coming up, Mel Bottle, Nicky Osborne, Glenn Wolfe, and Arj Barker.
09:02My Aussie friends always try to convince me, he's saying,
09:04Arj, mate, the snakes are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
09:10And I'm like, really?
09:12Are you telling me the snakes are sitting up all night fucking Googling me?
09:15This is Jim Jefferies and Friends.
09:24This is Jim Jefferies and Friends.
09:27Ladies and gentlemen, an ex-comedian is an American comic who's an Australian household name.
09:39You all know him.
09:41Please go crazy.
09:42For Mr. Arj Barker.
09:44Thank you very much.
09:52Great time.
09:54First, I just...
09:55That's why my baby's here.
09:56Okay.
09:58Well, I actually wanted to say that if there are any babies here, welcome.
10:02Stay as long as you'd like.
10:09And by all means, drink up.
10:15You know, I'm...
10:22Yeah, I'm delighted to be in front of a positive group of people.
10:26I'm feeling a little emotional because it's actually a really important day in my family.
10:30It's my beloved, great-great-grandfather's birthday today.
10:35And thank you.
10:36He did pass a while back, but, you know, it's always a reflective day.
10:43He would have been 247 today.
10:49Kind of hard not to think what if things had gone differently, I guess.
10:57I mean, to be fair, we weren't super close.
11:01He died when I was only negative 84.
11:06I am still trying to hang on to my New Year's promises I made to myself.
11:10I did the most classic one.
11:12I said, I'm going to exercise more.
11:13And I don't mind when I'm home, go out in the garage, hang out with the dogs.
11:17But I'm on the road a lot.
11:19And then I got to go to the gym.
11:21And I hate going to the gym.
11:22Hate it!
11:23Because I just sweat so much at the gym.
11:27I really do.
11:28Because I don't have a membership.
11:35I'm not supposed to be there.
11:37It's super stressful.
11:39And it's also really uncomfortable working out in a janitor's uniform.
11:46But most health experts say that, you know, if you eat the right foods, like, you get everything you need from your diet.
11:52You need a good variety of healthy food.
11:54You get everything you need.
11:55But just in case, I do still take a once-a-day multi-painkiller.
12:01Because it has everything I need.
12:03It has Nurofen for my neck pain.
12:05It has some Panadol for the pain in my lower back.
12:07And it has just a touch of morphine for the pain in my childhood.
12:15I did go to a natural healer recently.
12:17And the first thing he said, we got to get you off gluten.
12:20And I said, well, I'm not celiac.
12:21I don't have that condition.
12:22He said, it's not about that.
12:23It's about how it's going to make you feel, Arch.
12:26I said, all right, well, I'm paying this guy money.
12:28I might as well give it a shot.
12:29And I just checked backstage.
12:31I'm now, it's hard to believe I'm nearly six weeks gluten-free.
12:34And I just want to say this.
12:36If anybody here tonight is even considering quitting eating gluten for any reason at all,
12:41I want to tell you this.
12:42It's actually not that bad.
12:44It isn't.
12:46In fact, the only thing that I really miss is happiness.
12:53But under that, I'm going to really notice.
12:55Do you know what gluten is?
12:57It's so simple.
12:58Technically, gluten is the protein which makes food edible.
13:05And gluten is primarily found in fucking everything.
13:10Of course, that's not entirely true.
13:12And since I have become a bit of an expert, I don't mind enlightening you.
13:15The main foods which do not contain gluten are apples.
13:23You know, so it's not that bad.
13:30About 35 species of apple.
13:33So this healer, he's also the king of natural supplements.
13:37And so now he has me taking turmeric.
13:39Have you heard of turmeric?
13:40Turmeric and magnesium four times a day, which is a lot.
13:45But he said, I should do that because he doesn't think that I'm getting enough diarrhea.
13:53And I got to tell you, it's really doing the trick.
14:01This is a lovely audience.
14:05Unfortunately, we don't have much time left.
14:07And I'm not referring to the performance.
14:09I mean, like, read the news.
14:12Put two and two together.
14:15I was reading an article about climate change the other day.
14:17And it was quite a good article.
14:19But more than once, they referred to it as a climate predicament.
14:22And I was like, nah, guys.
14:24I think maybe 15, 20 years ago, sure.
14:27Climate predicament.
14:28But I think we're past that now.
14:30I think we're pretty much in a straight-up dickament by this point.
14:36It's climate predicament, folks.
14:39And I also want to go on the record and say that I think predicament is the worst flavor of chewing gum.
14:47I care about the environment.
14:51I love the environment.
14:52It's one of my favorite places.
14:53Like, when the weekend comes, where'd Arge go?
14:55Have you looked in the environment?
14:56Because I love nature.
15:00I love hiking.
15:01I don't hike much in Australia because I'm aware of what lives out there.
15:05So I'm a little nervous.
15:06And my Aussie friends always try to convince me.
15:09They say,
15:09The snakes are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
15:15I'm like, really?
15:16Are you telling me the snakes are sitting up all night fucking Googling me?
15:19Is Arge Barker deadly?
15:27And he kills us?
15:28How does we know the good Arge Barker's from the bad Arge Barker's?
15:32If Arge Barker's stepped on us, how long does we have to get to the hospital's end?
15:36Does we have 20 minutes or 30 minutes?
15:38Any other questions, fellas?
15:40Well, that's actually a really good one.
15:42Why does we have arms?
15:43How does we type in some fear snakes?
15:45Well, I think you're a lizard who actually infiltrated this joke.
15:53And you're taking dictation from the snakes.
15:56That's what I think is going on.
15:59I am a big animal lover, but my favorite animals are my dogs.
16:04I am a first-time dog owner.
16:07And I'm goo-goo-ga-ga over those little girls.
16:10I love my dogs.
16:11Like, they're like a crowbar.
16:13They rip my heart wide open.
16:15And the love that's coming out, it's not dog love or species-specific.
16:19It's just love.
16:19It just means I would do anything for them.
16:22Anything.
16:23I would run into a burning building for my dogs.
16:28Even if they weren't in there.
16:30I say, fuck it, I'm going in.
16:33Tell them I did it for them.
16:36And people say, well, you're an idiot, Arge,
16:37because if you drop dead in your kitchen, your dogs would eat you.
16:40Well, I sure hope so, because we don't waste food in my house.
16:42And hopefully my spirit will be floating over them like, good girls.
16:48Finish your dad.
16:54But the dog owners here, are you dog owners here?
16:57Yeah, you know this is true.
16:58This is true, right?
16:59If you're not in charge, they'll take over the house.
17:01And as much as I love my dogs, they know I'm in charge.
17:04For instance, bedtime, guess what?
17:06They know they're not sleeping on my bed.
17:08They're sleeping on their bed.
17:09And that's it.
17:10No more conversation.
17:11Admittedly, their bed is on my bed.
17:17But they know that they cannot leave their bed for any reason during the night.
17:21Unless, A, I'm asleep.
17:26Or they want to.
17:28There's not going to be any more discussion on that.
17:30I'll tell you that right now.
17:31You know, and if any of you ever were a guest in my home, you would know that I was in charge.
17:38Because if you go to someone's house and they're not in charge of their dog,
17:41the second you walk through that door, the dog sees you as a target.
17:45And they know that the very split second food comes out,
17:49that dog's going to be sitting one inch from you.
17:51Sitting there on the floor, giving you the saddest eyes in the history of sadness.
17:55Just like, I'm so sad right now.
17:58But maybe if I could just have some of your foods,
18:01then I guess I wouldn't be as sad anymore.
18:03That'd probably help me out a whole lot, actually.
18:07Because we don't do that shit in my house.
18:10In my house, if you want something,
18:12you bark loud and you bark aggressively.
18:17And you snarl if need be.
18:19Or you can get your ass off the kitchen table.
18:24Because I want to be real clear about one thing.
18:26Dad didn't build special table stairs for this nonsense.
18:34Thank you very much.
18:35Good night, everybody.
18:42After the break,
18:45Glenn Woolf,
18:47Nikki Osborne,
18:48and Mel Bottles.
18:50I kind of identify as my kid's dad.
18:53And don't get this mixed up.
18:54I'm not saying, oh, I think I'm male, or I'm confused about my gender.
18:57That's not what I'm saying.
18:58What I'm saying is,
18:59I don't help with the baby that much.
19:01Guys?
19:02Yeah.
19:17Ladies and gentlemen,
19:19our next comedian comes from rural Queensland.
19:21She's been on every TV show you can imagine
19:24on other channels that I can't mention right now.
19:27Ladies and gentlemen,
19:28Please welcome Mel Buddle.
19:30Hello, g'day.
19:32Oh, thank you.
19:34Thanks, Mel.
19:36Oh, this is fun. This is really fun.
19:38I've got an 18-month-old little boy at home.
19:40And he's good. He's a good boy. He's pretty cool.
19:42You've got to say that. You've got to keep the chatter positive.
19:44You can't say what you really think or people call the government.
19:48What I really think is my hand fits right around his neck.
19:50Anyway, um...
19:52But I didn't carry the baby.
19:54I'll be honest with you. A really nice woman is
19:56I didn't carry the baby in my body because I'm in showbiz.
19:58Didn't have to.
20:00I just don't think I could do this job being pregnant.
20:04I don't think I could do it.
20:06Like, I don't think you would hear a word that I say.
20:08Because I don't hear anything pregnant women say.
20:10Like the big bellies and stuff.
20:12Because the voice in my head is so loud.
20:14Just going, yuck.
20:16You led him, didn't you?
20:18You fucking grub.
20:20What a disgusting woman.
20:24But no, my missus did it.
20:26She carried the baby.
20:28Why is that?
20:29Because I had an option.
20:30That's why.
20:32Nah, it's because she's not that good at rock, paper, scissors, if I'm honest.
20:34Anyway, um...
20:36Hmm...
20:38Yeah, I don't know.
20:40This is weird to say.
20:41This is a bit weird to say.
20:42I'm going to tell you this for a minute.
20:43I kind of identify as my kid's dad.
20:45I know that's weird to say.
20:46And don't get this mixed up.
20:47I'm not saying, oh, I think I'm male or I'm confused about my gender.
20:50That's not what I'm saying.
20:51What I'm saying is, I don't help with the baby that much.
20:56There's a few women in the audience.
20:57Did you hear that, Daryl?
20:58That's funny.
21:00Said she didn't help.
21:02I might mention it twice when we're on the car on the way home.
21:06My favourite bit of the show.
21:10I think the role of dads has changed the most over the years, right?
21:15Because I saw a dad recently.
21:16I saw a Melbourne dad getting around.
21:18This is what he had going on.
21:19He had a baby strapped to his chest, right?
21:21And he's walking.
21:22He's oodle, doodle, poodle, noodle.
21:25If you wanted a pet, you should have got a dog, idiot.
21:27Anyway, he's walking his bath mat, cross shower cap thing.
21:31And in addition, he's also pulling one of these carts behind him
21:36that they've all got these days.
21:38And in the cart, there's two more kids.
21:41Sir, you're a father of three.
21:42It is time to purchase a motor vehicle, okay?
21:45For Finch and Scout and fucking Peach or whatever it is.
21:48Anyway, I think dads have had a very different expansion to their role, right?
21:55Because when I was growing up in the 80s, dads weren't like that.
21:57Dads didn't do that.
21:58No.
21:59Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I didn't see much of my dad at all.
22:03Now, my parents were married.
22:04We all lived in the same house.
22:05But dad's busy.
22:06Dad's at wine club.
22:07Dad's in the shed.
22:08Dad's under the house.
22:09Dad's just wherever you are not.
22:10So...
22:11You saw your dad in the 80s when you saw a viennetta.
22:15That was it.
22:16Remember that mum would make a special dinner.
22:20With spaghetti bognese with garlic bread and a salad.
22:23Whoa!
22:24Right?
22:25Then a viennetta with a birthday cake candle would come out in it.
22:28And dad would go, uh-oh, it's someone's birthday.
22:31He didn't know who, not his job, right?
22:34Do you remember the slice of viennetta that you would get as well?
22:38That your mum would give you?
22:40Your mum would be like, with a scalpel, shaving off the tiniest, thinnest,
22:44little fucking slither of viennetta.
22:46And then the bit dad would get would be like,
22:48uh, junk the size of a Bible.
22:50And your mum would go, take that over to your father.
22:53What do I want to be when I grow up?
22:56A dad, please.
23:01You know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
23:03not a lot of your dad growing up.
23:04But Saturday mornings, some very special Saturday mornings,
23:07my dad would come into my room and he'd say to me
23:09the most beautiful sentence a father can say to his child,
23:12which is this,
23:13do you want to come to the dump with me?
23:16Yes, I do.
23:18Oh my God, I want nothing more than to go to the dump with you.
23:22Wow.
23:23And you'd rub it into your mum a bit.
23:24Remember that?
23:25You'd be like, well, dad and I are going to the dump.
23:26Just us, see you later.
23:27Just dad and I, off to the dump.
23:29Not you, you're not invited.
23:30Mum would be like, have fun, you too.
23:32Pouring a first glass of wine for the day at 10am.
23:35Oh.
23:36I'm from Queensland, so that's the gesture for pouring a glass of wine.
23:39It's a cask.
23:40Just...
23:44Sort of translate cross-culture there.
23:48Did anyone else have a nightie mum?
23:50A mum that was just in a nightie your entire childhood?
23:53Like, she would pick you up from school at 3 o'clock.
23:57You'd be home at 10 past 3, 3.15, bang, nightie on.
24:02Just a really clear visual symbol that you're not going anywhere and don't ask.
24:09Saturday morning she'd wake up, take off her sleep nightie,
24:12put her day nightie on, she's ready to go.
24:15Far away in my brain, right, next to going to the dump with dad,
24:19is going to a landscape supply store as well.
24:22Right?
24:23This is the precursor to Bunnings.
24:25And let me say this, like, you would just leave for the day
24:28and go out with your dad with what I have on me right now.
24:31Absolutely nothing.
24:32You would just get in the car and go.
24:35You hearing me under 35s?
24:36No drink bottle.
24:37Nothing.
24:39No bento-style lunchbox.
24:43Nothing.
24:44No ration, no sunscreen, no digital device, no iPad, no backpack,
24:47no self-esteem.
24:48Nothing!
24:49So the landscape supply store was one of the most boring places you could go with your dad.
24:54And you would get there, and there's only one highlight,
24:56which was you would get to hear your dad's man voice.
24:59Because all Aussie men have a voice that they put on to impress other men.
25:02Right?
25:03You've all got one.
25:04Like, so you would just, like, you'd hear your dad's normal voice.
25:06He'd say stuff like,
25:08Righto, get in the car.
25:09Come on.
25:10Where's your shoes?
25:11How do you lose your shoes between the front door and the fucking car?
25:13Jesus Christ.
25:14Right?
25:15But then at the landscape supply store, he'd meet the bloke serving him.
25:18Right?
25:19Going to sell him some topsoil or something.
25:20And your dad would just go,
25:21Hey, how you going?
25:22How you going?
25:23You're a good bloke, aren't you?
25:24Look at you.
25:256'9", 6'10", 6'12".
25:26Hey, look at you.
25:27Do you want to come to my house?
25:28Are we doing characters?
25:29What the fuck?
25:30Can I be Rose from the Golden Girls, please?
25:34It was boring though.
25:36The landscape supply store was so fucking boring.
25:39And this is what you did in the 80s when you were born.
25:41You did this.
25:44That's it.
25:45That's all you did.
25:46Was that?
25:47That's all there was to do.
25:48Bit of this.
25:49And even that would be too much for your dad.
25:50He'd be like,
25:51Do that somewhere else.
25:52Fuck off.
25:53Come and do that near that man with the orange tinted glasses.
25:56He likes you.
25:57Go on.
26:00Been looking at you for hours.
26:03Bring me back one of his minties.
26:07So you just do it smaller.
26:08Just do...
26:12Then out of the corner of your eye,
26:13you would spot a drink machine, right?
26:16A soft drink machine.
26:17The old school ones filled with cans.
26:19And you would think,
26:20if I play my cards right,
26:21I'm going to get one of those, right?
26:22And you would begin your campaign.
26:25Because you weren't allowed to make a direct request.
26:28It's the eighties.
26:29You can't just ask for a soft drink.
26:31You know that actually only came in direct requests in 1999.
26:34That's when it was legal for you to ask your parent for something, right?
26:38So you do this.
26:39You'd be doing your bored stuff.
26:40And you just start your campaign by saying,
26:43Feeling thirsty.
26:48Feeling like I might need a drink in a minute.
26:50Feeling like it's time to have something interesting to drink.
26:55Hmm.
26:56And your dad would hear you.
26:57Would acknowledge you.
26:58Right?
26:59But he wouldn't turn his back to give you any eye contact.
27:01He'd say this.
27:02He'd go,
27:03There's water in the car.
27:04Do you remember the water in the car?
27:06Two litre home brand vinegar bottle.
27:09Filled up with water.
27:10Wrapped up in a towel with two rubber bands around it,
27:13kept in the boot.
27:14And if you ever said,
27:15Why is it wrapped up in a towel, Dad?
27:17So it doesn't fudder around and drop me fucking metal
27:19every time I go around a fucking corner.
27:20That's why.
27:21Fucking hell.
27:25I'd be like,
27:26Oh, that's for the radiator.
27:27I'm a person.
27:28Anyway, ah.
27:30But you would think to yourself,
27:31if I do this right,
27:32if I'm really good and not annoying and so quiet
27:35and do all the right things and ask really nicely,
27:37I'm a chance of a 60 cent can of passiona here.
27:42Oh, beautiful memories.
27:43Beautiful memories.
27:44Yeah.
27:45My son won't have any of those memories.
27:46He's got two mums though.
27:47Sucked in.
27:48What a loser.
27:50Imagine he's standing up in 20 years time.
27:52He's just here going,
27:53You know when you go out for the day with mama,
27:55and not mummy,
27:57and you go to the bulk Whole Foods supply store
28:00in the Subaru Forester
28:02with Lacey the Rescue Greyhound
28:05and you think to yourself,
28:06Oh, if I'm really good,
28:07if I play my cards right,
28:09I'm a chance of a tamari roasted almond here.
28:14I'm going to leave you on that.
28:15I'm Mel Votto.
28:16Good night.
28:18After the break,
28:19war of Jim Jeffries and friends,
28:22Nicky Osborne
28:23and Canadian superstar,
28:25Glenn Wool.
28:26Got a six-year-old,
28:27he loves Toy Story.
28:28Walked by me,
28:29put this Toy Story toys in his arms.
28:31I said, be careful.
28:32Last time I had a Woody and a Buzz,
28:34your mom got pregnant.
28:35This is Jim Jeffries and friends.
28:48Now, I've never told this on stage.
28:52This happened very recently.
28:53So, what I do every now and again,
28:54I ring up my dad,
28:55and if I've got a good pub joke,
28:56you're sitting at home.
28:57I ring him about three times a week.
28:58I ring him up and I go,
28:59Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:00I tell him a joke.
29:01And that's, you know.
29:02So, the joke was,
29:03it's an old pub joke.
29:04What's better than eating Amanda in?
29:05Eating Amanda out, right?
29:06It's a fun little joke, right?
29:07So, I call up Dad and I said,
29:10Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:12And I said, Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:14And he goes, what is it?
29:16I go, what's better than eating Amanda in?
29:18And he paused for a moment and he went,
29:21fun little joke, right? So I call up Dad, and I said, Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:29And he goes, what is it? I go, what's better than eating a mandarin? And he paused for
29:32a moment and he went, eating pussy. Now, you know when you're in maths class, right, and
29:45there's an equation on the board, and you've gotten it right, but not the way the teacher
29:49reckoned. You're like, I don't know how I got there, but I've got the right answer somehow.
29:57I know what went through his thought process. I've known this man my whole life. He went,
30:02what's better than eating a mandarin? Well, there's not much better than eating a mandarin.
30:05What a wonderful fruit a mandarin is. It stays in sections so you don't get juice on your
30:11hands. That's very good, and they've all but eliminated the pips. The peels, you just put
30:17them in your pocket, leave them in the centre console in your car. They cause no trouble.
30:23The Asians like to use them in cooking. A lot of mandarin stuff in cooking, the Asians.
30:29Ah, Asian women. Licking pussy.
30:31Ladies and gentlemen, this next comic that I'm bringing out, I have been friends with
30:48for 20 years, but more importantly, I've been a fan of for 20 years. I work with him across
30:55the UK. I've worked with him here in Australia now. I'm a huge fan of this guy. He's an important
31:01voice in comedy. Can you please welcome Mr. Glenn Wall?
31:06Hello. Good to see you. My name's Glenn. I'm originally from Canada.
31:21Thank you. I'm in a mixed generation marriage. My wife's a millennial. I'm generation X. And
31:29I'm not proud of that, but I'm proud of that. Problem with that age gap is sometimes me and
31:35my wife will be having a text conversation back and forth on our intelligent phones. And
31:40because she's a millennial, every once in a while, she will break into a pointless acronym.
31:46And I'm just like, would you use the whole fucking sentence? We are not being charged by
31:53the letter. Is there any reason we're trying to hide our dinner plans from the Nazis?
32:01I've got to break out the Enigma machine to figure out what the hell Icy Me means.
32:07You ever had Icy Me? Icy YMI? Yeah, I didn't know what it was. I had to Google it and everything.
32:16It's in case you missed it. That's what it's the acronym for. I know. It was like the BTW fiasco.
32:27I know. I got that one. I was just like, what do you want a sandwich?
32:34You ever got BT? Anybody know what BTW is? Oh, you fucking assholes.
32:40Look at all the millennials sitting there going, hmm, we know what it is. It's by the way, by the way.
32:50Made me feel old. I feel like a goddamn dinosaur. But I'm here to tell you that your goddamn millennial
32:57acronyms are not obvious. And even a genius would have trouble with them.
33:04Like in the 1940s, if you walked up to Alan Turing and just said, LGBTQ+.
33:10You reckon he'd crack that code?
33:17Got a six-year-old. He loves Toy Story. And what kid doesn't?
33:22Walked by me, put his Toy Story toys in his arms. I said, be careful.
33:26Last time I had a Woody and a Buzz, your mom got pregnant.
33:29But she don't know the whole story.
33:38Me and his mother had a lockdown baby.
33:41It was very hard to masturbate in a house that your spouse never left.
33:49There was only so many times you could go up to the loft.
33:54Check on the Christmas decorations.
33:56So in the end, I had to jack off the old-fashioned way by fucking my wife.
34:12That's how they used to do it back in the olden days.
34:15They actually used to masturbate inside their partners.
34:20That's why their families were so big.
34:23What they would do, they'd use their wife's vagina as a makeshift hand, if you will.
34:34I'm getting a divorce.
34:40Yeah, I am. I've been trying to hide it.
34:42Fucking, but yeah.
34:44It wasn't because of that bit, but...
34:47Yeah, I felt bad all those other times in the show.
34:51I'm talking about having a wife, and my inner monologue's like, you don't have a wife.
34:56I know. Don't feel sorry.
34:58Yeah.
34:59I know.
35:00And she made me move to England and have kids.
35:03And then she dumped me.
35:06And that's not fair.
35:08I know. I fucking...
35:10I now just live in a field in England.
35:14It sucks.
35:17But at least I'm allowed to be honest about how I feel about England now.
35:21Because I used to have a wife, and I couldn't say all of the things that I felt to keep the peace.
35:27And now, fuck it.
35:29Like, I hate the royal family.
35:31There you go.
35:33Fucking bunch of inbred pedophiles, if you ask me.
35:37Like, tell me this.
35:38Does Prince Andrew enjoy his wanks more now that he's a minor royal?
35:44Yeah.
35:46Take it back tonight.
35:47I gotta get it.
35:51I feel like...
35:52Look, I don't hate all...
35:54There's parts of the royal family I like.
35:56I like the pageantry.
35:59I watched the coronation.
36:00I enjoyed that.
36:01Charlie got his hat.
36:02Sure, that's cool.
36:05My particular favorite on the day was Camilla.
36:10Little Cheshire Cat grin on her face.
36:14Last time she smiled like that, a car was upside down.
36:17In a Paris tunnel.
36:21Folks, it's great to see you.
36:24I've been glad.
36:25Good night.
36:32Ladies and gentlemen, it's Glenn.
36:33Whoa!
36:35Don't go away.
36:36Up next, Nikki Osborne.
36:39We should just make Chappelle Corby Barley Barbie, shouldn't we?
36:42Yeah?
36:43Actually, no.
36:43She should be the face of Jenny Craig.
36:45I lost 4.5 kilos in 30 seconds.
36:48Ask me how.
36:49Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian, she's been on Dancing with the Stars, but more importantly, she's extraordinarily funny.
37:11Please welcome the outrageous Nikki Osborne.
37:17Hello!
37:21Oh, it's so great to be here.
37:22How good's this?
37:25Yes?
37:26Do you like my outfit?
37:27Yes.
37:28Tell you what, it's hard as a female comic to work out what to wear, because you want to look really good, right?
37:34But at the same time, you want to be likable and relatable.
37:37So I said to my mum before coming to this gig, maybe I should do like a Pamela Anderson, come make-up free.
37:43You know what she said?
37:45No, you don't have the tits for it.
37:49And then my husband pipes up and he says that I should wear something really revealing, because that way if I bomb, I can kick off an OnlyFans page.
37:58I know, they have little faith.
38:03But it's great to be here.
38:10I look like slutty mechanic Barbie.
38:16She's the one who gives you the full service.
38:19I finally went and saw the Barbie movie.
38:21We've all seen it?
38:23Yeah, there's a few gay fans of Jim.
38:25I didn't pick that.
38:26I went to see it, because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
38:30I wanted to see what our Margot had done for Australia.
38:34And I've got to say, she's let us down.
38:37No, hear me out.
38:39Where's Bogan Barbie?
38:41Now, what would Bogan Barbie come with?
38:43Pack of tinnies?
38:44Pack of winnies?
38:46Subscription to Gogglebox?
38:49Or if she came in a box set, would she come with two kids with shit made-up names and a tradie Ken doll called Brett?
38:56What other Barbie should there be?
39:01What about backpacker Barbie?
39:03No, she'd just go missing.
39:04No, actually, no.
39:10They could sell her in bits in a box of sand.
39:18And that way you can piece her all together.
39:21It could be a family project.
39:24Piece her together and work out who she was.
39:26Or what about Barley Barbie?
39:30What would Barley Barbie come with?
39:31A bintang singlet?
39:33A fucking stomach parasite?
39:36Or would she come with a boogie board bag with extra storage in it?
39:42We should just make Chappelle Corby Barley Barbie, shouldn't we?
39:46Yeah?
39:47As you know, she should be the face of Jenny Craig.
39:49I lost 4.5 kilos in 30 seconds.
39:52Ask me how.
39:59Or what about vaccine Barbie?
40:03Yep, maybe not.
40:07Yeah, no, I'm not going to go there.
40:09Not at all.
40:10Because we went a bit crazy during COVID, didn't we, Melbourne?
40:13Went a little bit mad.
40:14Like, there were lovely women at Coles having biffos over shit tickets.
40:19I never understood the bog roll hoarding.
40:22Did you understand it?
40:24No.
40:24But as far as I was concerned, the more bog roll, the bigger the arsehole.
40:30So anyway, when they announced the second lockdown,
40:32husband and I looked at each other.
40:34We packed up our bags, packed up the kids, sold the house
40:37and moved somewhere where education is not important.
40:39Queensland!
40:40Oh, but moving to a new state means moving to new schools,
40:46which means meeting new mothers.
40:50God, we're ****.
40:54But you know what you've got to do, don't you, ladies?
40:58For that first assembly,
41:00you've got to don your least offensive country road
41:03and then you've got to wade through a sea of beige
41:07until you can find someone, something, someone
41:11that's got something in common with you.
41:13You know, day drinkers.
41:15So I hit it off with these drunks
41:17and we organised playdates really quickly
41:20because that's, you know, that's your mission.
41:22And then within 24 hours, they all cancelled.
41:26Now, this has happened before.
41:28And I went to my husband.
41:29I said, it's happened again.
41:31He's like, what did you do this time?
41:32I'm like, firstly, **** off.
41:35Secondly, I don't know.
41:37And he's like, oh, did you bang on
41:38about what you do for a living?
41:41And I'm like, no.
41:42I simply said that I dabble in film and television.
41:45He's like, well, do they know you as Nicky Osborne
41:48or your married name, Nicky Starr?
41:50And I'm like, no, my married name.
41:52I'm not going to drag my kids down
41:54with my professional reputation.
41:55And he's like, well, they must be Googling you.
41:58So let's Google you.
41:59So we Googled me.
42:00Turns out I am a porn star.
42:07And my filmography includes
42:09European Bitch Fuckers 3.
42:14Twisted and fisted.
42:16And nice girls like anal.
42:24So now all the dads want a play date.
42:30I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:31Thank you so much for having me.
42:33Nicky Osborne.
42:38Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause
42:40for all the comedians you've seen tonight.
42:43My name's Jim Jeffries.
42:45Thank you so much.
42:47Good night.
42:47Good night.
42:47I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:48I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:49I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:50I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:51I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:52I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:53I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:54I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:55I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:56I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:57I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:58I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:59I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:00I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:01I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:02I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:03I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:04I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:05I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:06I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:07I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:08I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:09I'm Nicky Osborne.
43:10I'm Nicky Osborne.
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