- 1 day ago
Sam (Perry Lang) and Max Grimm inherit an undertakers school bankrupted by its corpse-happy director (Paul Bartel).
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00When some loud bragger tries to put me down and says the school is great, I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school, it's number one in the state.
00:00:30I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:00I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:07I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:14I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:21I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:28I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:33I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:40I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:45I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:52I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:01:56I tell them right away, now what's the matter buddy, ain't you heard of my school?
00:02:03Speaking off the record as your uncle's attorney and close friend, I'm glad he's dead.
00:02:26The will is a complex one.
00:02:29In layman's terms, what this means is that you boys are your Uncle Willard's sole heirs and beneficiaries.
00:02:37You will become the owners of the Grimm Mortuary as soon as you have fulfilled the conditions of the will.
00:02:47What conditions?
00:02:48That you graduate from the Grimm Mortuary Academy, the school your uncle founded when the mortuary was built.
00:02:56I don't want to become a mortician, I want to be a doctor!
00:02:59Max, please.
00:03:02So, how much is this mortuary worth?
00:03:06Something in excess of two million dollars.
00:03:09What? Wow, forget it. I won't become an embalmer for ten million dollars.
00:03:14I can understand that. But there's nothing in the will about your becoming mortician.
00:03:20Your uncle simply wanted to be certain you would have an appreciation of the business he was leaving you.
00:03:26Okay, we'll do it. We'll think about it.
00:03:30Max, you have 24 hours.
00:03:33Congratulations, Max! Your letter from Africa, Motonga University, admissions department? Yeah.
00:03:46Man, you applied to a lot of colleges, didn't you?
00:03:48Yeah, and they all turned me down. This is my last hope.
00:03:52What?
00:03:58Shit, it's written for Tottenham. Let me take a peek at it. I know all that African stuff.
00:04:03Yeah?
00:04:05Oh, I'm sorry, Max.
00:04:07What?
00:04:08You didn't qualify.
00:04:10Mr. Schuyler, could I possibly go home just a little early today?
00:04:15There's a crisis in my brother's. He's not coping too well.
00:04:19Grim, don't bust my balls. I pay you eight hours, you're gonna work eight hours.
00:04:24You see that yucky bastard over there in the Volvo? The one with the Ray-Bans and the Brooks Brothers shirt?
00:04:28I want you to stick his ass in a BMW. Capiche?
00:04:32Hey, how much for that little turbo stud over there?
00:04:35I don't know a heck of a lot about these turbo studs.
00:04:38Uh, Curling Getty discontinued it. But basically, it's a bar mitzvah on wheels.
00:04:44I know all about it. Does this one have all the original sex toys?
00:04:48Gosh, I think so. It's not really a family car.
00:04:52I'm not buying it from a wife, asshole.
00:04:56Uh, just give me the keys and let me take it for a demo.
00:04:58Keys are in it.
00:05:05Grim, are you insane?
00:05:07I told you to put the Uppy in the Beamer, not the Reamer.
00:05:09That car's a killer. No one's supposed to drive it.
00:05:11The sexual safety balloon's defective. There's a short in the vibrator.
00:05:13It was on its way to the wrecker. You see that Cadillac over there?
00:05:16I drive that because I got brains.
00:05:17You drive that fucked over VW because your head's swollen with baby vomit.
00:05:20Listen to me.
00:05:21You listen to me, you toxic vagina.
00:05:23If anything happens to that guy, it's my balls.
00:05:25Geek.
00:05:27Hey, Jose! How's B? Go see Schuyler. Checks came in early.
00:05:36Hey, you fat ass shmuck! Get the fuck out of here!
00:05:39Come back here! I want you to see that car, goddammit!
00:05:41Max?
00:05:42I'm home!
00:05:46Max!
00:05:47Oh, no. Not again. Don't come in here!
00:05:51Oh, Max.
00:05:52Oh, Max.
00:05:53Oh, no.
00:05:54Oh, no.
00:05:55Oh, no.
00:05:56Don't come in here.
00:05:57Oh, he's my car, goddammit!
00:05:58Max!
00:06:01I'm home!
00:06:04Max!
00:06:06Oh, no.
00:06:11Not again.
00:06:12Don't come in here!
00:06:14Oh, Max.
00:06:18Tammy wants to marry a doctor, not an embalmer, Sam.
00:06:27Tammy, we were just talking about you.
00:06:32Hi, Max.
00:06:33I stopped by just to see if you'd heard from the medical school yet.
00:06:36I brought along the nurse's uniform.
00:06:39Oh, yeah, Sam and I are going to mortuary school.
00:06:42We inherited a mortuary. Isn't that great?
00:06:44I'm afraid I can't see you anymore, Max.
00:06:46Why? What do you mean?
00:06:46I'd rather die than marry a gut plumber.
00:06:50Oh, you may as well take back your nurse's uniform.
00:06:52I had it dry cleaned.
00:06:54Maybe at the mortuary you'll find some other nurse to help you with your little problem.
00:07:00What problem?
00:07:01Well, let's just say that your brother has certain inadequacies
00:07:05that make a relationship with a girl like I impossible.
00:07:10Goodbye, Max.
00:07:16What was that about?
00:07:18Oh, she's right. I got a problem.
00:07:21What problem?
00:07:25With kissing.
00:07:27Kissing.
00:07:31Well, first of all, Max, there's no problem that money can't solve.
00:07:35Tammy will break out the knee pads and mouthwash when she finds out how rich you are.
00:07:40Oh, by the way, Sam, Jerry Bus called.
00:07:50He and Jack want to meet you at Spago for dinner after the Lakers game tonight.
00:08:07Maps to the stars, Holmes.
00:08:10Two dollars.
00:08:12Schuyler!
00:08:13Is that you?
00:08:14Schuyler, hey!
00:08:16Work with me.
00:08:18Grim?
00:08:19Sam Grim?
00:08:20The mortuary king?
00:08:22That's me, babe!
00:08:23Oh, congratulations on your great success.
00:08:27What happened to your legs?
00:08:29I lost them in a poker game.
00:08:31I'm blind, too, you know, and I have hemorrhoids the size of monkey heads.
00:08:36Oh, but how do you live?
00:08:38I sell maps, return tricks.
00:08:41For three bucks, I can make a man feel real good.
00:08:45Come work for me at the mansion.
00:08:47You can always use a man with no legs.
00:08:48Oh, you're a saint.
00:08:53Oh!
00:08:53Oh, put him in the trunk!
00:08:56Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:08:58I'd like to make a, uh, big deposit.
00:09:23Ooh!
00:09:26Is all that money really yours?
00:09:29Uh-huh.
00:09:29And the nurses, too?
00:09:31That's right, and, uh, it isn't easy keeping them all satisfied.
00:09:35Well, what about your problem?
00:09:37What problem?
00:09:38Listen, Max, what do you say we go out right now and get married?
00:09:45Marriage is a disease.
00:09:47And we're the cure.
00:09:49Tammy, you had your chance.
00:09:52Now eat your heart out.
00:09:55Girls?
00:09:55Girls?
00:09:56Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:10:17Come on, Max.
00:10:19It's game time.
00:10:20Forget it.
00:10:20I'm not going.
00:10:21Max, it's two million dollars.
00:10:25Frankly, Sam, I don't give a damn.
00:10:27Grimm Mortuary and Academy. You kill him, we chill him.
00:10:30Excuse me, we're Sam and Max Grimm, and we...
00:10:32Listen, I've been waiting almost one hour. Where the hell is Truscott?
00:10:35I told you, Dr. Truscott is in the embalming room and cannot be disturbed.
00:10:40This bill is eight months overdue.
00:10:42If I don't receive payment by next week, he's gonna find himself without lullaby baby caskets. Got it?
00:10:48Ah, pinhead.
00:10:51We have an appointment with Dr. Truscott.
00:10:54Oh, well, have a seat. I'll let him know you're here.
00:11:03What a tragedy that such a beautiful woman should be struck down in her prime,
00:11:08transformed into a cold, motionless object of desire.
00:11:13But how fortunate that I possess the sacred knowledge and the chemicals
00:11:20that permit me to memorialize you, to transform you and preserve you forever.
00:11:29His perfect breasts, this mound of Venus, his ruby lips, this mound of Venus.
00:11:44Before I bestow my gift of eternal preservation, let me endow you with another, more earthly, sensual pleasure.
00:11:57Thank you, Dr. Truscott.
00:11:59There are two gentlemen who say they have an appointment.
00:12:02In a minute, Helen!
00:12:04I hereby endow into your sacred flesh...
00:12:07Forget it, Paul.
00:12:09The mood's broken.
00:12:11I'm gonna have that intercom torn out.
00:12:13It's worse than call waiting.
00:12:15You know, Paul, most people like a little sexual motion.
00:12:19Oh, no, no, no.
00:12:20I find that very disorienting.
00:12:23Can we pick up after my interview?
00:12:26Do I have to take another ice bath?
00:12:29You know how much it means to me.
00:12:32Huh.
00:12:35Dr. Truscott will see you now.
00:12:38Ah, the brother's Grimm, I presume.
00:12:49Dr. Truscott.
00:12:50Sam Grimm.
00:12:51How do you do?
00:12:52Max.
00:12:55Delighted.
00:12:58You boys bear a distressing resemblance to my dear friend Willard Grimm, our late founder.
00:13:03He was our uncle.
00:13:04Oh, yes.
00:13:06That would explain it, of course.
00:13:08And you were his nephews.
00:13:10And now you want to carry on in the family tradition.
00:13:13How touching.
00:13:14We're anxious to begin our studies.
00:13:16Impetuous youth.
00:13:17Surely you understand that we're in mid-semester.
00:13:20Why, our students have already mastered the basics of bereavement.
00:13:23The essentials of embalming.
00:13:25See, I told you.
00:13:26Come on. Sit up.
00:13:27I don't mean to discourage you boys.
00:13:29As nephews of Willard Grimm, I'm naturally eager to offer you every opportunity.
00:13:33You can start classes this afternoon if you wish.
00:13:35But be prepared to work hard.
00:13:38Harder than you've ever worked in your lives.
00:13:41How do you do, boys?
00:13:43May I introduce Miss Mary Purcell, my assistant?
00:13:46Your uncle was a great man and we shall miss him terribly.
00:13:49Did you know our uncle Willard well?
00:13:52As well as anybody could know your uncle.
00:13:54He was in our thoughts always.
00:13:56Even when he was too ill to be here in person.
00:13:58Well, class will be beginning soon. Ouch!
00:14:01What is it, Miss Purcell?
00:14:03It's these.
00:14:04My breasts.
00:14:05They're so sore they ache.
00:14:07The nipples strain against the bodice.
00:14:10I can't imagine why.
00:14:15Miss Purcell loves to quote the classics.
00:14:18Well, I'd better take you boys to class.
00:14:21You don't want to be late on your first day of school.
00:14:23This way.
00:14:25I don't know.
00:14:27You tell me.
00:14:30I told you I need a carton of cigarettes every day.
00:14:33And if I don't get a carton of cigarettes every day, I get very unhappy.
00:14:36And when I get very unhappy, I make those around me very unhappy.
00:14:40Abbott, you're not in prison anymore.
00:14:44Quiet, class.
00:14:45We have a few announcements before we begin.
00:14:48Class, I'd like to introduce two new students.
00:14:51They're starting a little late, but we have high hopes for them.
00:14:54Sam and Max Grimm.
00:15:01Unfortunately, I have bad news for two other students.
00:15:04Mr. Capshaw and Mr. Brody.
00:15:08Your tuition checks failed to clear at the bank this month.
00:15:11You are therefore expelled from this academy, effective immediately.
00:15:15Kindly collect your things and leave at once.
00:15:18Hey, you can't do that.
00:15:20My tuition is paid for by the state.
00:15:22Helen, would you show Mr. Brody to the street?
00:15:25No.
00:15:26No.
00:15:27No.
00:15:28No, you can't do this to me.
00:15:32Troublemaker.
00:15:33Now, class, I thought it would be nice
00:15:36if we introduced ourselves to the new students.
00:15:39Mr. Dixon?
00:15:42I'm Don Dixon.
00:15:44Some of you may have seen my robot creations at Animal World.
00:15:48The boxing rabbits and the singing flamingos
00:15:51were all designed and built by me.
00:15:53I like the Beatles, long walks on the beach at sunset,
00:15:58and I have some ideas that hopefully will revolutionize the industry.
00:16:06Oh, and I'm a Capricorn.
00:16:09My name is Abbott Smith.
00:16:14I'm on parole from Packerville,
00:16:16where I do a time for a triple homicide and some burglary.
00:16:20I'm here on a rehab program.
00:16:23I like to ski, play chess, and barbecue.
00:16:27I'm also working on a novel.
00:16:32Oh, I'm a Sagittarius.
00:16:42I'm Valerie Levin, and my favorite band is Radio Werewolf.
00:16:46I used to be president of their fan club.
00:16:49I wanted to be a part of their band, but they wouldn't let me,
00:16:53so I decided that being a mortician would be the next best thing.
00:16:57Of course, I'm interested in the cosmetic band.
00:17:00My favorite flavors are chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.
00:17:05And my favorite possession in the whole wide world
00:17:08is my little dog, Mouse.
00:17:11And we're both Virgos.
00:17:13Hello, Malachem. My name is Larry Hush.
00:17:17My name is Larry Hush.
00:17:19Larry doesn't speak English,
00:17:22but his family has given a great deal of money to the academy,
00:17:26so we have decided to waive the English and the site requirements in this case.
00:17:32My name is James Dandridge.
00:17:37James Dandridge is my name, Jim Dandridge for short.
00:17:40I'm the jack of all trades, the master of the more.
00:17:43Entrepreneur by day and bomber by night.
00:17:46And draining blood from their bodies is my life.
00:17:49What somebody's got to do, it might as well be me.
00:17:52But I'll tell you one thing, it won't be sweet.
00:17:55Cause I'ma start a chain of D's for that special occasion.
00:17:58For every race, color, treat your sexual equation.
00:18:02I'm a Leo.
00:18:07I think that's enough introductions for now.
00:18:10I'm going to turn the class now over to...
00:18:13Excuse me.
00:18:14Max and I would just like to say
00:18:16that we're very excited about being here.
00:18:18Right, Max?
00:18:19Uh, uh, ever since Max and I were tiny little orphans,
00:18:25we've had a dream.
00:18:27When all the other kids were killing themselves, playing war,
00:18:30my brother Max and I were picking up all the little dead bodies.
00:18:36Okay.
00:18:37Is that it?
00:18:39That's, that's it.
00:18:41Why don't you take your seats?
00:18:43And I'll turn the class back to Miss Persella.
00:18:46Uh, can I, um, ask me?
00:18:50Today, class, we're going to talk a little about casket side manner
00:18:54and body display.
00:18:56Here's a hypothetical situation.
00:18:58It's 100 degrees in the shade.
00:19:00The air conditioning is on the blink,
00:19:02but you've done your best to fix the face of the poor bastard
00:19:06who got hit in the head with a baseball bat,
00:19:08but he still looks like the Phantom of the Opera
00:19:10and he stinks of the heat.
00:19:12His girlfriend files by and she faints.
00:19:17What do you do?
00:19:21Fuck her!
00:19:23You, Max, come here.
00:19:36I don't know.
00:19:37Mouth to mouth, you stupid dick.
00:19:39Oh, I can't.
00:19:56I'm sorry.
00:19:57I've got this thing up.
00:19:58Hey, it's okay, Maxie.
00:19:59It's okay.
00:20:00Sit down.
00:20:01I'll take over.
00:20:02So, little lady, what seems to be the problem?
00:20:07How about a little mouth to mouth?
00:20:10Give it to her, baby.
00:20:12Mm-hmm.
00:20:13Uh-huh.
00:20:14Yeah!
00:20:15Yeah!
00:20:16Yeah!
00:20:17Yeah!
00:20:18Yeah!
00:20:19Yeah!
00:20:20Yeah!
00:20:21Yeah!
00:20:22Yeah!
00:20:23Yeah!
00:20:24Yeah!
00:20:25Yeah!
00:20:26That's enough.
00:20:27Uh, you can take your seat now.
00:20:36Oh.
00:20:37Hmm.
00:20:38Whew!
00:20:40Well, now I'd like to talk about the special problems
00:20:45that sometimes come up when displaying the body.
00:20:51For example, sometimes the loved one is decapitated.
00:21:11Sorry to bother you, Dr. Trusclan, but they're bringing in the Hollyhead girl.
00:21:15Who?
00:21:16You know, the cheerleader who choked on popcorn at the drive-in.
00:21:20Oh, yes.
00:21:21Her boyfriend was with her when it happened, and he's waiting for you now in the chapel.
00:21:25Thank you, Helen.
00:21:40Oh, my.
00:21:50You must be Miss Hollyhead's boyfriend.
00:21:51Randy Sapson.
00:21:52I'm Paul Truscott, director of Grimm Mortuary.
00:21:53What was Miss Hollyhead's first name?
00:21:54Linda.
00:21:55Linda.
00:21:56Such a lovely name.
00:21:57What a shame.
00:21:58I blame myself.
00:21:59I bought her the popcorn.
00:22:00She didn't even want any.
00:22:01I killed her.
00:22:02Now, now.
00:22:03All that's not going to bring Linda back, is it?
00:22:05Try to pull yourself together, Red.
00:22:06There are just a few questions I need to ask you about the loved one.
00:22:07Yes, sir.
00:22:08What was her religious affiliation?
00:22:09Catholic.
00:22:10Excellent.
00:22:11And, uh, was she a native of Southern California?
00:22:12Yes, she was.
00:22:13Yes, she was.
00:22:14Yes, she was.
00:22:15Yes, she was.
00:22:16And, uh, at the time of her death, was she still, uh, a virgin?
00:22:17Yeah.
00:22:18Oh, no.
00:22:19I didn't want to see her.
00:22:20I didn't want to see her even wanting any.
00:22:21I killed her.
00:22:22Now, now.
00:22:23All that's not going to bring Linda back, is it?
00:22:24Try to pull yourself together, Red.
00:22:25There are just a few questions I need to ask you about the loved one.
00:22:29Yes, sir.
00:22:30What was her religious affiliation?
00:22:32Catholic.
00:22:33Excellent.
00:22:34And, uh, was she a native of Southern California?
00:22:39Yes, she was.
00:22:41And, uh, at the time of her death, was she still, uh, a virgin?
00:22:45Yeah.
00:22:46Yeah.
00:22:47Yeah.
00:22:50It was her 17th birthday.
00:22:53We were supposed to go all the way that night after the movie.
00:23:00If I hadn't bought that fucking popcorn.
00:23:03No, no.
00:23:05Linda's with God now.
00:23:06I'm sure she doesn't blame you for anything.
00:23:08Try to pull yourself together.
00:23:10Let's see if we can get through the rest of these questions.
00:23:13Uh, what is her father's profession?
00:23:16Richard Selzman.
00:23:18And you did say she was a virgin?
00:23:22Yes, sir.
00:23:23And, uh, she was a junior in high school at the time of her death?
00:23:28Yes, sir.
00:23:30And she was a virgin?
00:23:32She hadn't yet been to bed with a man?
00:23:34She hadn't had sexual intercourse at the time of her death?
00:23:42A lot of you have been asking when we would get the chance to work on a real corpse.
00:23:45Well, today's the day.
00:23:47And you're particularly lucky, class, because the corpse we're going to work on is none other than...
00:23:52Uncle Willard!
00:23:53Uncle Willard!
00:23:54The founder of Grimm Mortuary.
00:23:56It ain't appropriate to put nobody on display with a wild ass fucking fruity smile like this or something.
00:24:01Hey, watch it. That's my uncle.
00:24:02He's nobody's uncle now, pal. He's just a piece of fucking dead meat.
00:24:05Wonderful. Thank you very much.
00:24:06Quiet.
00:24:07I'll show you in a moment how we'll wipe the smile off his face.
00:24:11But first, we have to drain him with this.
00:24:14Oh, my God!
00:24:16Holy shit.
00:24:17After which, we'll pump his body full of embalming fluid.
00:24:21I thought it would be a beautiful gesture if we let one of the new students, for whom this corpse has special meaning, do the job.
00:24:29Would you like to do the honors?
00:24:34Very sensitive.
00:24:35You pussies. Give me that!
00:24:38No, Abbott, why don't you do it?
00:24:40Very good, Abbott.
00:24:50There is no room for cheap sentiment or weak stomachs in the mortuary business.
00:25:04Max, you all right?
00:25:10Oh.
00:25:11I'll be okay with it.
00:25:12Jesus, Sam, I don't think I'll be able to handle this.
00:25:15Oh.
00:25:16It's okay.
00:25:17I'm sorry.
00:25:18It's okay.
00:25:19I know it's a little rough.
00:25:20Max, you gotta look at the big picture.
00:25:23Two million dollars.
00:25:25I know, but I just don't think I'm coming out for this.
00:25:29Oh, sure you do.
00:25:30Oh!
00:25:31I'll buy you a little lunch.
00:25:34Forget the dipstick dip shit and serve the television dinners.
00:25:41This is our meal ticket.
00:25:42We gotta ride this one into the beach.
00:25:44But, Sam, we don't serve.
00:25:46That Valerie is a luscious, fabulous woman, and she's interested in you.
00:25:50Don't bullshit me, Sam.
00:25:51Not to tell the way she looks at her lips.
00:25:53Oh, yeah, when I would have fooled myself from the whole class.
00:25:55Look at me.
00:25:56Hey, your uncle must have really been something.
00:25:58He took twice the normal amount of embalming food.
00:26:01Oh, please.
00:26:06Geek.
00:26:11Oh!
00:26:12I like this place.
00:26:13I love the people.
00:26:14I love the food.
00:26:15Gosh.
00:26:16You're having the best day.
00:26:18Shut up, Sam.
00:26:19Gosh, I am so sorry.
00:26:21How insensitive of me.
00:26:23It's okay.
00:26:24She didn't mean anything by it.
00:26:25Hi.
00:26:26Uh, can I talk to you boys for a second?
00:26:29Certainly.
00:26:30Now, look, I know you guys aren't here for your help.
00:26:33See, I can tell that by the look on this motherfucker.
00:26:35Where are you from?
00:26:36The way I'm seeing it, you're probably gonna take over this place real soon.
00:26:41I'm partying it.
00:26:42You're gonna need a right-hand man, and I've got all kinds of ideas on how to run this place.
00:26:46I don't think so.
00:26:48Well, I could kick your slim ass.
00:26:50Is that true about you and Radio World?
00:26:52Why don't you two get acquainted?
00:26:53We'll be conferencing.
00:26:54Do you like their music?
00:26:55Well, I'll tell you the truth of the mirror.
00:27:00Really?
00:27:01Well, they're gonna be in concert this weekend at the arena.
00:27:04It's gonna be huge.
00:27:05That's why you need to wear a pair of rubber gloves.
00:27:07You can catch all kinds of these.
00:27:09Would you like to go?
00:27:11I couldn't believe my eyes.
00:27:14Yeah.
00:27:15Yeah, that'd be great.
00:27:16Hey, terrific.
00:27:22How are the Grimm brothers doing in their studies?
00:27:25I don't think that the Grimm brothers are cut out for the mortuary business.
00:27:29You should have seen the older one freak when I started to embalm his uncle.
00:27:33I knew they wouldn't last the minute they walked through the door.
00:27:36There is something about the younger one, though.
00:27:38Oh, really, Mary?
00:27:40He is aggressive.
00:27:42He's smart.
00:27:43He's sexy.
00:27:45And really good-looking.
00:27:47Oh, I don't find him attractive at all.
00:27:50I just think that he's gonna excel in a number of areas.
00:27:54Have you lost your mind?
00:27:56Don't you know what happens if they graduate from the Mortuary Academy?
00:27:59Didn't you read that copy of Willard's will I had stolen from his attorney's office?
00:28:02Paul, what are you talking about?
00:28:04I'm talking about sole ownership of the mortuary, building and grounds.
00:28:09Do you mean his nephews get it all?
00:28:11If they graduate, get the picture.
00:28:13And if they fail?
00:28:14Ownership reverts to present management.
00:28:16In other words, me, or us, if we become partners.
00:28:21Oh, Paul, is that a proposal?
00:28:23Not exactly.
00:28:24Keep on rubbing.
00:28:25We'll see what happens.
00:28:26Oh, Paul, I love you.
00:28:28Let's do it.
00:28:29Let's do it in the garage.
00:28:31Let's do it in the hearse.
00:28:32Oh, let's do it in the mud.
00:28:34Let's do it in the mud.
00:28:35And then we can talk about it.
00:28:37That sounds lovely.
00:28:39But there's some things I have to take care of around here tonight.
00:28:43Hey, Larry!
00:28:44Bonnie!
00:28:45This chalier is really good, Abby.
00:28:46Really?
00:28:47Won the Blue Ribbon five years running at Vacaville.
00:28:48Really?
00:28:49The Anstain Gizain?
00:28:50Where'd you get that, Larry?
00:28:51Remember when you got lost at Macy's and I had to buy this little porta potty?
00:29:06No.
00:29:07Yeah, I found you an hour later caught by the guards, crying your little lies out.
00:29:12I remember.
00:29:13his little port-a-potty no yeah i found you an hour later caught by the guards crying your
00:29:18little eyes out i don't remember he had to take a tinkle larry oh that's really cute how old were you
00:29:3018. guys like you used to get lost in the joint all the time but they never got found
00:29:43oh poor max your meal there an animal larry what good would that do hey larry
00:29:57i didn't know you were in the water and power max hey sam what's all this food don't come in here
00:30:05sam is that max max you're ruining the tapioca just leave me alone let me go quietly to sleep and
00:30:24freeze to death max uh why don't you get him out of here and i'll go get a blanket
00:30:29about max does the light really go off when you close the door max i understand
00:30:40y'all need somebody to love like i i have this little dog max no really max he's he's the sweetest little
00:30:50thing he's so tiny except every week i have to hide him because my mother has all these fat women over
00:30:57for diet seminars i love him so and you're gonna love him too max i don't need a dog
00:31:10i need a i need a girl to love me oh well i guess that'll never happen
00:31:24so
00:31:32so
00:31:36Linda, it's Paul Truscott.
00:31:57Would you come out for a moment?
00:31:58I'd like to talk to you, if I may.
00:32:06I hope I'm not disturbing you.
00:32:22Behind my back?
00:32:24See if you can guess.
00:32:27Clever girl, how did you know?
00:32:29For you.
00:32:30Yes, they're my favorite, too.
00:32:32I spoke with Randy today.
00:32:34Such a sweet boy.
00:32:36But not right for you.
00:32:37Somehow I see you with someone older.
00:32:41Someone who could appreciate your subtleties.
00:32:44My beard?
00:32:45Do you like it?
00:32:46I've always worn it.
00:32:48Some women tell me it tickles when I...
00:32:51You know.
00:32:54Let me be frank.
00:32:56I find you very attractive,
00:32:58but I'm not interested in any fly-by-night casual romance.
00:33:02I've had my heart broken too many times.
00:33:07What?
00:33:11What?
00:33:14Oh, darling.
00:33:15Nothing would give me more pleasure.
00:33:17It's what I long for, but...
00:33:19I don't think we should.
00:33:20Not on our first date.
00:33:23I'd better go now,
00:33:24before we do something we'll both regret.
00:33:26I don't think he'll be fine.
00:33:28I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:33:38Shlach Yehoshua bin Nun.
00:33:40Min hashitim shinayim,
00:33:42anashim meraglim her shlimor.
00:33:45Min hashitim shinayim meraglim
00:33:47rov hastecha aneni aneni emet nishtecha.
00:34:08Larry, you've got to learn to concentrate.
00:34:11Whoa!
00:34:17Now, the most important thing in dumping ashes is to do it
00:34:20in one swift, decisive gesture.
00:34:23Here, Max, you do the offer.
00:34:26Uh, I feel sick. Somebody else please me.
00:34:29Max, we're flying over Santa Anita at 3,000 feet.
00:34:32Just dump some fucking ashes.
00:34:35Oh, my love!
00:34:42Get off me, you squid.
00:34:46The trail's over! That's it! Kill the fans!
00:34:52Max, you owe the Academy $50 for that urn,
00:34:56$100 for my dress,
00:34:59in addition to a $25 shampoo
00:35:01to get the loved one out of my hair.
00:35:04That's a hundred and seventy-five dollars, Max.
00:35:09Now, cremation is a real art form.
00:35:12It's also a great way to make a quick buck.
00:35:16How long has it been in?
00:35:18I think it should be done by now.
00:35:19Just leave it in.
00:35:21No, no, leave it in any longer and it'll be ruined.
00:35:25We might as well see if it's ready.
00:35:27Valerie, be careful.
00:35:30Ow!
00:35:31It's too hot.
00:35:33Evan.
00:35:35You can trust these.
00:35:40Oh, damn, man.
00:35:42That's what I call bingling good.
00:35:48You'll learn more about the mortuary business
00:35:50in the next five days than you ever thought possible.
00:35:54We are going to reveal to you
00:35:56professional secrets of grim mortuary
00:35:58that are worth hundreds of dollars on the black market.
00:36:02and if any of you ever reveal them,
00:36:05we will track you down and kill you.
00:36:09Fucking A!
00:36:10Miss Purcell,
00:36:11will any of these activities bring us into conflict with the police?
00:36:15The only thing you have to worry about, Mr. Dixon,
00:36:19is direct conflict with me.
00:36:21Get down, bitch!
00:36:22All right!
00:36:23All of you!
00:36:24Get in the wagons!
00:36:26Get in the wagons!
00:36:27Get in the wagons!
00:36:33Get in the wagons!
00:36:38A police radio is indispensable in mortuary work.
00:36:43A police radio is indispensable in mortuary work.
00:36:59Multiple collision on Sunset Boulevard, westbound.
00:37:02Bodies in roadway. Proceed code 3.
00:37:06Nixon, floor it.
00:37:10Is this going to be gory, Ms. Purcell?
00:37:13I can't promise anything. All I can do is hope.
00:37:28Great. We're the first ones here.
00:37:30Oh, shit. This looks like Platoon.
00:37:33I haven't seen as much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be a cell-bought bride.
00:37:36Oh, my God. This is gross.
00:37:38I feel sick.
00:37:40You're like Bobble and Bobble, B.H. Dave.
00:37:42Don't worry, Lyra. You get a chance to use the bathroom later.
00:37:46Get tags on these bodies as quick as you can.
00:37:49Go ahead.
00:37:53Oh, man.
00:37:54He ain't got no dick.
00:37:58Hey, hey. What the hell is going on around here?
00:38:01Oh, hi, Aunt. And you're a little late, aren't you?
00:38:03Don't be such a fucking hog, Mary.
00:38:05There's more than enough bodies to go around here.
00:38:07Tony. Tony. We got here first.
00:38:09To the victors belong the spoils.
00:38:11Smoking does kill us.
00:38:13It's fun taking that one.
00:38:14The fuck you are.
00:38:21What are you talking about?
00:38:22What are you talking about?
00:38:23Hang all those bodies. Come on.
00:38:27Get your hands off my desk.
00:38:31Get them.
00:38:34Get them.
00:38:35Ah!
00:38:38We have team. Load up the meat.
00:38:40Get my pounds on the bench.
00:38:43Freeze!
00:38:44Here you go.
00:38:44Well, class, all in all, you seem to have survived Blitz Week in pretty good shape,
00:39:14and I'm very proud of you.
00:39:16But it is not over yet.
00:39:20Quiet.
00:39:21Put your books away and prepare for a pop oral.
00:39:24I got your pop oral right here.
00:39:27Are we being graded on this?
00:39:30Yes, we are being graded on this.
00:39:31It is probably the single most important exam of the term.
00:39:36But, Miss Priscilla, silence!
00:39:39Will there be questions on cosmetology?
00:39:41That is my very first question.
00:39:44What is the red substance we put on the loved one's lips in order to improve his appearance in the casket?
00:39:53Oh, God. I know this.
00:39:56It comes in a tube. We use it in everyday life.
00:39:58Put it on the lips.
00:40:00Oh, it's lip, um...
00:40:03No helping, Mr. Grimm.
00:40:07It's lip something. I just can't think of the word.
00:40:11Oh, that's close enough. It's lipstick.
00:40:13You pass the test.
00:40:16Sam, your turn next.
00:40:19I got this one waxed.
00:40:21In the 16th century, in some European countries, it was against religious custom to give funeral rites to the practitioners of certain occupations.
00:40:33I want you to name three of those occupations and cite specific names and dates.
00:40:41Uh, that wasn't in the book.
00:40:43Uh, that wasn't in the book.
00:40:44Street sweepers.
00:40:45Uh, that wasn't in the book.
00:40:46Uh, street sweepers.
00:40:47Wrong.
00:40:48Winemakers.
00:40:49Wrong.
00:40:51Devil worshipers.
00:40:52Wrong.
00:40:53Actors, Mr. Grimm.
00:40:54People of the theater.
00:40:55That's the correct answer.
00:40:57What were the other two?
00:40:59There weren't any others.
00:41:00It was a trick question.
00:41:06Dixon, what do we call the place where the bodies are put to final rest?
00:41:10And I'm going to give you a hint.
00:41:13It often has stones and markers indicating locations of graves and the names of the deceased.
00:41:21Cemetery?
00:41:22Wonderful!
00:41:23Well, at least some of us have been doing our homework.
00:41:26Max Grimm.
00:41:33What is the chemical composition of formaldehyde?
00:41:36M.
00:41:37At what temperature does it vaporize?
00:41:41Uh...
00:41:442 CH 3 OH plus OH.
00:41:50Wrong!
00:41:51What is this?
00:41:52Miss Purcell, I think Max was right.
00:41:54Oh, wow.
00:41:56Well then, in which hand do I hold the eraser?
00:42:00How the hell should I know?
00:42:03The left one.
00:42:04Wrong.
00:42:05You failed the test.
00:42:15Emergency!
00:42:16Emergency!
00:42:17Emergency!
00:42:18Emergency!
00:42:20I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Purcell, but there's an urgent message for Miss Valerie.
00:42:25Oh, that's all right. I've finished anyway.
00:42:26Class is dismissed.
00:42:27What is it?
00:42:28You're wanted at home right away.
00:42:30I hope it's nothing serious.
00:42:31The test results will be posted at 5 o'clock.
00:42:35Mary!
00:42:36Paul!
00:42:37Mary, where's the Levenstein body? What are you doing?
00:42:40I gave it to Abbott for his cremation project. The ashes will be ready in five days.
00:42:44You've got to stop him. The Levensteins have changed their mind. Now they want an open casket ceremony.
00:42:50Open casket? You told me I could roast him!
00:42:53Now Abbott, calm down. There's been a change of plans. We need him dressed and ready for an open casket ceremony in a couple of hours. Snap to it!
00:43:03Fuck!
00:43:05I'll raise all the legs to UCBS Medical Center.
00:43:09If to dash viz, can't you finish Kevin affairs?
00:43:13Chicken legs!
00:43:15Larry, if they were going to execute you for having a brain to be hanging in there, that was the man! Chicken legs! What are you, a fucking alien?!
00:43:21Where's that foot?
00:43:24I wonder what happened to Valerie? She's been gone an awful long time. I hope she's okay. We're supposed to go to that concert tonight.
00:43:30Thanks for reminding me. I still don't have a date.
00:43:33Well, look who's here.
00:43:36Larry!
00:43:37What happened? Are you okay?
00:43:38Is your mom okay?
00:43:40My mom's okay. Except for the blood stain on her dress.
00:43:45What?
00:43:46She, uh... She... She sat on Mouse!
00:43:52Hi! Rispy dog!
00:43:54Oh, my God, Valerie. He's up there pissing on that big fire hydrant in the sky.
00:44:01Oh!
00:44:03He looks, uh... Uh, peaceful.
00:44:07At least he didn't suffer.
00:44:10Well, that all depends on whether or not your mama got a big ass.
00:44:13Hey, hey, Dixon, wasn't your specialty dogs at Animal World?
00:44:18Do you think you could, uh...
00:44:21Yeah.
00:44:23But I need a place to do it. I, I need, I need equipment supplies.
00:44:27Do you think somebody could sneak us into one of them mortuary workrooms?
00:44:30Sam, you could do that.
00:44:32Sure, babe.
00:44:34Valerie, could I borrow a mouse tonight?
00:44:37I promise not to hurt him.
00:44:38How you gonna hurt the damn dog? He's already dead.
00:44:40He's already dead.
00:44:43Bye.
00:44:45I'm sorry.
00:44:47Come on, huh?
00:44:48Max, just throw it, throw it. Come on, throw it him!
00:44:51Max!
00:44:53Max, just...
00:44:54It is therefore with appreciation that I accept your kind invitation to the Mortuary Science Symposium in the Virgin Islands.
00:45:01I am hoping accommodations may be available for my, uh, fiancé.
00:45:10Come on, Maxie.
00:45:12Oh, dear. I'll give you the rest of this later, Helen.
00:45:16Shall I call the police?
00:45:20Oh, heavens no. I can handle the O'Rourke brothers.
00:45:24Let them in, Helen.
00:45:30Nick! Sean, how nice to see you.
00:45:33Cut the bullshit, Truskin. You know why we're here.
00:45:35Where's our coffin?
00:45:36Uh, refresh my memory. Which coffin is that?
00:45:39The Mother of Pearl, inlaid, silk-line, triple-reinforced, fumed oak, super deluxe, O'Rourke special edition, prick-head!
00:45:45Get face! Vary that $15,000 wholesale which you've had on consignment for the last 18 months!
00:45:51Oh, that coffin. Did you boys want it back?
00:45:54We happen to know you sold it two days ago!
00:45:56For $20,000! We want our money now, butthead!
00:45:58That's absurd. Why, I hadn't heard from you boys in so long.
00:46:01Somebody told me you were both in prison. Then I sold that casket for peanuts to some charity case.
00:46:06You call Samuel Lenstein a charity case?
00:46:08Where did you get that name?
00:46:09We have our source of shithead heaves richer than God!
00:46:11Now, give us the money or we'll take the coffin with us right now!
00:46:14I'll, I'll have a check drawn to you first thing next, uh, tomorrow morning.
00:46:18Nice try, trust it.
00:46:19Okay, Sean. The tight bastard ain't coming across. Let's go get what's ours.
00:46:22Now, wait a minute, boys!
00:46:23Hey! Kid! Sean! Come on!
00:46:27Come on, guys!
00:46:28Give me!
00:46:29I'm sitting here, Chad! I'm feeling you, man!
00:46:31I'm speaking to you!
00:46:33What, what, what, Chad?
00:46:36Wait! So, you can't go in there!
00:46:39A charity case my ass! That's a special edition, all right!
00:46:42Oh! Oh! Oh!
00:46:45Oh!
00:46:46Oh!
00:46:47Hey, lady, your daily department's gonna leak like a cheap prophylactic!
00:46:51Mr. Casket!
00:46:52Happy trails, doctor!
00:46:54I demand an explanation!
00:46:57My dear Mrs. Levenstein, I discovered only moments ago that this casket was defective.
00:47:02You can see for yourself what the caustic chemicals in the lining have done to your dear loved one's body.
00:47:08Oh!
00:47:09Thank God we caught it before the damage got any worse.
00:47:12Well, this is absolutely outrageous!
00:47:15Naturally! I demanded that the manufacturers take back the casket immediately!
00:47:19I apologize for any inconvenience or embarrassment you may have suffered.
00:47:23I, I don't know what to say!
00:47:26We'll have your loved one tucked away in one of our elegant post-modern all-pine numbers in a moment,
00:47:31but first I do have to speak to you about the additional costs.
00:47:35Uh!
00:47:36Uh!
00:47:37Uh!
00:47:38Uh!
00:47:39Uh!
00:47:40Uh!
00:47:41Watch it!
00:47:42You're gonna hit the fat boys!
00:47:44Hey, Max, throw it in here!
00:47:45Throw it in here!
00:47:46Come on, hit the fat dork!
00:47:48Paul, the O'Rourke brothers are taking away the special edition casket!
00:47:55Please, Mary, I don't want to talk about it.
00:47:57But didn't you just sell that casket to the Levensteins for thirty thousand dollars?
00:48:01Frankly, Mary, I don't remember what the Levensteins paid,
00:48:04but it certainly wasn't that casket and it wasn't thirty thousand dollars.
00:48:08Now, what about the Grim Boys? Have you flunked them out yet?
00:48:11Soon, Paul, soon.
00:48:13The sooner the better, Mary, for the good of everyone involved.
00:48:17Now, if you'd excuse me...
00:48:47Helen?
00:48:48Grim Martuary and Academy. You snuff them, we stuff them.
00:48:52I have something personal to ask you.
00:48:54One moment, please. If it's about my period, I haven't had one for fifty years.
00:48:59Not that personal.
00:49:02Listen, Helen, has Dr. Trescott been getting any funny calls?
00:49:08No. Just the usual creditors, you know, threatening his life.
00:49:14No. I mean female calls. Ladies. Girls.
00:49:17Well, no, Mary. And I certainly would have remembered if he did.
00:49:21Because I haven't had my period for him.
00:49:23That's enough, honestly.
00:49:24Oh, Mary. Back when I was still having my period, I found out that the best way to keep a man interested is to play the field a little.
00:49:29You know, like, uh, diddle around?
00:49:44You mean fuck around?
00:49:45You mean fuck around?
00:49:57Hi, Sam.
00:49:58Oh. Oh, hello, Miss Purcell. What did I do wrong now?
00:50:04You don't have to be in trouble to get my attention. So what's wrong with your car?
00:50:09Oh, we're in a cheerful mood. Got another pop oral for me?
00:50:13Well, Sam, I know that seems terribly unfair, but we do have to think of the good of the school. Maintaining high standards and all.
00:50:20Right.
00:50:21Hey, I don't want you to think that I have anything against you personally. It's quite the opposite.
00:50:26Are you saying you find me attractive?
00:50:28Yes. You're intelligent and hardworking and serious and absolutely attractive.
00:50:37Attractive? Me?
00:50:39Yes, you. What are you doing tonight?
00:50:42I got a couple tickets to see Radio Werewolf.
00:50:44Oh, Radio Werewolf. Wow, they're my favorite band. I suppose you already have a date.
00:50:49No, as a matter of fact, I don't. Would you like to be my date, Miss Purcell?
00:50:53Would you call me Mary? And I'd be delighted. And let's take my car, because it works.
00:51:00I'd be delighted.
00:51:18Everything smells like formaldehyde to me lately.
00:51:21Oh. Don't you like formaldehyde?
00:51:24What a pity.
00:51:26Well, you're very young still.
00:51:29A toast.
00:51:31To my new, handsome friend.
00:51:39You know, you look pretty swell in that dress.
00:51:42So thoughtful of Randy to drop it off.
00:51:44So, what would you like to do tonight?
00:51:47Dinner?
00:51:50Hmm?
00:51:51I'm really looking forward to this concert.
00:51:54And maybe afterwards...
00:51:57I might have a little surprise for you.
00:52:14Wow, your date's really trashed, isn't she?
00:52:17She didn't eat her fries or anything.
00:52:19I guess her eyes are a little larger than her stomach.
00:52:23She looks like a girl I used to know in high school. Weird.
00:52:27Did you know a girl named Linda Hollyhead?
00:52:29The worst thing happened. She was eating popcorn.
00:52:32We're visiting from Europe and we have to be in Las Vegas in an hour.
00:52:35How much do I owe you?
00:52:36Four dollars for the hamburgers and 75 cents for me.
00:52:39And this ought to cover it. Keep the change.
00:52:41I'm so nervous. Don't you think that this should be over by now?
00:52:51Look, Dixon's a perfectionist. He's using all his skills on Mouse.
00:52:55I should have never left Mouse and attended with all those fat women at giant seminars.
00:53:00That dog's a chair.
00:53:03Is everything all right?
00:53:04He's doing fine. He's doing great.
00:53:06But there's just one question.
00:53:08We've got to figure out which one of these sounds most like his voice.
00:53:11Okay? Are you listening?
00:53:17All right.
00:53:21Here's the last one, though.
00:53:24I love the last one.
00:53:26But I really think that the first one sounds more like Mouse.
00:53:31Wait a minute. What about Hee Haw?
00:54:01That was such a great concert of a total radio werewolf freak man.
00:54:11What the fuck are we doing here?
00:54:13Oh, I've got to check up on somewhat something.
00:54:16It's only going to take a minute. Why don't you come with me?
00:54:22It's a little spooky here at night.
00:54:24I think it's romantic.
00:54:31That son of a bitch!
00:54:39Is there anything wrong?
00:54:42Nothing.
00:54:44Nothing that an hour or so with a nice, healthy young man like you
00:54:50isn't gonna make right.
00:55:01Hey, we're all out of pate.
00:55:07I'm getting horny.
00:55:09Whose idea was it anyway not to bring along any one of the female persuasion?
00:55:14Yeah, we need a little yin with our yay.
00:55:17Well, I'm going on a little reconnaissance mission.
00:55:20You never know what you'll find lying around on the beach.
00:55:31Don't you think you've had enough?
00:55:32I just can't take it anymore, Max.
00:55:33I know.
00:55:34I remember when Uncle Willard was...
00:55:35Oh, screw Uncle Willard, Max!
00:55:36Mouse is dead!
00:55:37Valerie!
00:55:38Jim!
00:55:39Jim!
00:55:40Is he okay?
00:55:41Girl, we ain't got no time for that right now.
00:55:42Just answer this question.
00:55:43Did Mouse ever wag his tail?
00:55:44Why, is there something wrong with Mouse's tail?
00:55:45Well, Dixon isn't there working on it right now.
00:55:46When did Mouse wag his tail?
00:55:47Well, Dixon isn't there working on it right now.
00:55:48When did Mouse wag his tail?
00:55:49Well, when he was hungry.
00:55:50Uh-huh.
00:55:51When he was happy.
00:55:52Uh-huh.
00:55:53When he had to go to the bathroom.
00:55:54Uh-huh.
00:55:55Practically all the time.
00:55:56Good.
00:55:57You can help.
00:55:58Wait, please.
00:55:59Can I see him?
00:56:00Not now.
00:56:01Valerie, just keep moving.
00:56:02No, Max!
00:56:03Put down his tail!
00:56:04No, Max!
00:56:05Can I see him?
00:56:06No, Max!
00:56:07Can I see him?
00:56:08No, Max!
00:56:09Can I see him?
00:56:10Can I see him?
00:56:11No, Max!
00:56:12Can I see him?
00:56:13Can I see him?
00:56:14No, Max!
00:56:15I've got to see him!
00:56:17Mouse!
00:56:18Mouse!
00:56:19Mouse!
00:56:20What have they done to you?
00:56:21Valerie, no.
00:56:22It's too early.
00:56:23You don't want to see him in this state.
00:56:25No, but I just want to see his tiny little face.
00:56:28Just for a minute.
00:56:29Please.
00:56:30All right.
00:56:31But just for a moment.
00:56:33And don't try to talk to him.
00:56:35He won't know you.
00:56:36Talk to him.
00:56:37Why, yes.
00:56:39Once the heat sensors are in,
00:56:41you'll be amazed at what he can do.
00:56:44Oh.
00:56:45Uh-uh-uh!
00:56:46No!
00:56:47Ah-uh-uh!
00:56:48No!
00:56:49Oh!
00:56:50Oh!
00:56:51Ah-uh-uh-uh-uh!
00:56:53No!
00:56:54Ah!
00:56:55Ah!
00:56:56Oh!
00:57:04Linda?
00:57:05Linda?
00:57:06Linda?
00:57:07Linda?
00:57:11Linda!
00:57:12Linda?
00:57:14Linda?
00:57:38She's dead.
00:57:40Who's dead?
00:57:42What are you talking about?
00:57:44Look for yourself.
00:57:46Probably fucked her to death.
00:57:48Oh, my God. Should we call the police?
00:57:50Not if we don't want to lose our jobs at Val Schledowitz.
00:57:52Tell her knee-bombed Thomas Suckerman Klein.
00:57:54Just leave her here.
00:57:56People think she drowned.
00:57:58Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm looking for my fiancée.
00:58:00She seems to have gotten lost last night.
00:58:02Well, what did she look like?
00:58:04She's about 5'2", brown hair, brown eyes.
00:58:08I haven't seen her around here.
00:58:10No.
00:58:12Why, there she is in your sleeping bag.
00:58:14Oh, that girl.
00:58:16Why didn't you say something?
00:58:18Found her here last night.
00:58:20She's very cold and exhausted.
00:58:22That's right. We were just trying to keep her warm.
00:58:24She's a real party animal.
00:58:26Shut up, will you?
00:58:28Look, mister, we gotta get going.
00:58:29She's still sleeping at off.
00:58:30We don't want to impose.
00:58:32Bye.
00:58:33She can keep the sleeping bag.
00:58:34Bye.
00:58:39I'm so glad you're safe.
00:58:41I was terribly worried.
00:58:43We'll overlook whatever happened between you and those young men.
00:58:48I know you could never feel anything for them.
00:58:53Come on, darling. Let's go home.
00:58:55I'll never forget this night, but now we have decisions to make.
00:58:58A future to plan.
00:59:00See, I told you I could fix it.
00:59:07The carburetor is a delicate piece of machinery.
00:59:10Eh, it's not so delicate.
00:59:12It just needs a little diddling with.
00:59:14You certainly have a point there.
00:59:16So you're not mad at me anymore, are you?
00:59:18No, I'm not mad at you.
00:59:48Oh, Madonna, there'll be plenty of time for foreplay when we're on our honeymoon.
01:00:00Well, I want you to lie perfectly still.
01:00:07Open up!
01:00:08Damn.
01:00:09You gotta call the police.
01:00:11That won't be necessary, Mary. It's only me.
01:00:14I got here a little early.
01:00:18What were you doing in here?
01:00:20Just cleaning up. Checking the bodies.
01:00:22Why was the door locked?
01:00:24A habit, I guess.
01:00:26Isn't the Hollyhead girl a little overdue for burial?
01:00:30Her parents can't quite bring themselves to make the final arrangements.
01:00:34They'd better hurry up. She's not getting any fresher.
01:00:37Wasn't that the grim boy I saw driving away as I arrived?
01:00:41How should I know?
01:00:42Perhaps you just came to say a last goodbye to the old place.
01:00:45Yes.
01:00:47Has Helen sent them notice of their failure and expulsion yet?
01:00:51I don't think so.
01:00:53Well, the sooner she does, the sooner you and I become partners.
01:00:57I hope I'm making myself perfectly clean.
01:00:59Paul, can we talk about...
01:01:01If you'll excuse me, Mary, I have a number of things to attend to.
01:01:05Go ahead. Try it, Valerie.
01:01:09Sit, Mouse. Beg.
01:01:11I gotta work on that.
01:01:14Wag your tail, Mouse.
01:01:16Try patting him. I've been having trouble with the tail.
01:01:20Go ahead. Go ahead. It's okay.
01:01:21What? He's gonna bite you?
01:01:24I'll work out the kinks later tonight.
01:01:27By the time I'm through with him, he'll be fetching the morning paper.
01:01:30Dixon, show her that little thing that you were showing me.
01:01:33What?
01:01:34Oh, Valerie.
01:01:36Clap your hands twice.
01:01:38Right by his left ear.
01:01:40May I require the meaning of this brouhaha?
01:01:51My dog, Mouse, died, Dr. Prescott, and Dixon fixed him up for me.
01:01:57Yes, sir.
01:01:58Your dog?
01:01:59Yes.
01:02:00May I remind you, students, that this is a mortuary academy.
01:02:04We deal in the art of embalming loved ones,
01:02:07not stuffing and animating vulgar house pets.
01:02:10You just hold on, you bubble-headed test tool.
01:02:12Am I to understand that this desecration took place on mortuary property,
01:02:16using mortuary equipment, wasting mortuary materiel?
01:02:19Please. It was the only way.
01:02:21I detect the delinquent hands of the brothers Grimm in this fiasco.
01:02:24That's right, Dr. Truscott. It was our idea,
01:02:26and we'll take full responsibility for it.
01:02:28Max, Max.
01:02:29Uh, we figured it was okay since we were gonna, you know,
01:02:31end up owning this place sooner or later.
01:02:33Well, you have another think coming.
01:02:35You're expelled, the two of you.
01:02:37Get out!
01:02:38Get your things and get out!
01:02:39What?
01:02:40Sam and Max wasn't even here.
01:02:42I did all the work.
01:02:43They only did it for me.
01:02:44Hey, chief.
01:02:45Back off!
01:02:46You're expelled too, you pathetic recidivist.
01:02:49All of you!
01:02:50Get out!
01:02:51Out of my sight!
01:02:52Your careers are with your diplomas in the crematorium oven.
01:02:55I don't expect to see any of you around here again,
01:02:57and if I do, you'll all be arrested for trespassing!
01:03:01Good day!
01:03:02More come in every day, but none of them ever seem to get paid.
01:03:09Well, how long has this been going on?
01:03:11I don't know.
01:03:12Months.
01:03:13There's no reason for this.
01:03:16The mortuary's been in the black ever since I've worked here.
01:03:19Where's Dr. Truscott?
01:03:21In his office, I think.
01:03:23Tuesday at 11.45 a.m.
01:03:28What day does it arrive in the Virgin Islands?
01:03:30Not until Sunday?
01:03:31I guess that'll have to be all right.
01:03:33I'd like to book one first-class cabin to St. Thomas.
01:03:36Now, I wonder if you have refrigeration facilities on your ship.
01:03:39You do?
01:03:40In the cargo hold.
01:03:42I see.
01:03:44My fiancé has a very rare medical condition.
01:03:47She requires extremely low temperatures at all times.
01:03:50I trust that won't be a problem?
01:03:51All right.
01:03:52I'll be down to pick up the ticket this afternoon.
01:03:54No.
01:03:55Just one way.
01:03:56I won't be returning.
01:03:57Ever.
01:04:06Oh, miss.
01:04:07Yes?
01:04:08Excuse me.
01:04:09Mm-hmm?
01:04:10I'm looking for a traveling ensemble for my fiancé.
01:04:13Oh, why, certainly, sir.
01:04:14Would you like something for a cold or a warm climate?
01:04:17Warm?
01:04:18Mm-hmm.
01:04:19But she'll want to cover up.
01:04:20I need something with a high neck and a floor-length skirt
01:04:23and do you have any parkas with odor-eaters in them?
01:04:27I beg your pardon?
01:04:30Odor-eaters.
01:04:32The most horrible things just happened!
01:04:37It's on TV!
01:04:39Come on!
01:04:41The enormously popular group, the radio werewolf,
01:04:45was apparently taking joyrides on the stolen bakers
01:04:49rejoining pretty dolls on the scene.
01:04:52They came from a white Transylvania ghetto and they died
01:04:55on this Beverly Hills Boulevard far from home.
01:04:58The irony of this would not have been lost on these acerbic youths
01:05:01whose name, Radio Werewolf, summed up an era in popular music.
01:05:05Smothered by a brass-shaped balloon meant to protect them,
01:05:08they died quickly but prematurely.
01:05:11Let's talk to a fan.
01:05:12They're not dead.
01:05:13They've pulled this shit before.
01:05:15Bernie Verkowitz, their manager for the last two months.
01:05:18They're not dead!
01:05:19You can't kill Radio Werewolf!
01:05:21These are wonderful kids, you know, a little wild sure,
01:05:25but I mean, who can hold that against them?
01:05:27They had more music in their rotten teeth
01:05:29than most musicians have in their whole heads.
01:05:32You talk about them as if they're still alive.
01:05:35No comment.
01:05:37This is Christy Doll.
01:05:38Back to you, Nancy.
01:05:40First, Mouse is squashed.
01:05:43Then we're all expelled.
01:05:45And now this, Radio Werewolf dead.
01:05:48Hey!
01:05:49Come on, everybody, look.
01:05:50We have to get our acts together.
01:05:51Now, what are we gonna do?
01:05:52I know what to do.
01:05:53I've got a plan.
01:05:54But I need your help.
01:05:56And if it works, I can pretty much guarantee
01:05:59that all of you will graduate.
01:06:08Looks like she's been through the wringer.
01:06:10Let's just say she's been around.
01:06:12Are you sure this is legal?
01:06:14All is fair in love and war.
01:06:17What do you say, Dixon?
01:06:19Do you think you can do it?
01:06:21I'll need epoxy, some foam rubber,
01:06:25a merkin, and a stiff drink.
01:06:45Can I help you?
01:06:46Yes, I'd like to see something in a vacuum cleaner.
01:06:49Is there any particular make or model you're interested in?
01:06:53I want something strong that'll really suck up the dirt.
01:06:57Oh, well, if you want something industrial,
01:06:59we've got this little item.
01:07:02Uh-huh.
01:07:06Are there two L's in unconditionally?
01:07:08Yes.
01:07:10And don't forget irrevocably.
01:07:13Oh, well, I don't care if you're looking for this.
01:07:16I've got this little bit.
01:07:18Okay.
01:07:23Everything is...
01:07:24I've got this little bit of a knife.
01:07:26I've got this little knife.
01:07:27You can't know how I've longed for this.
01:07:31You can't know how I've longed for this moment.
01:07:45Mary?
01:07:46Well, we had a little something,
01:07:48but warm-bodied women like Mary
01:07:50don't really understand the needs of a man like me.
01:07:53Of course I'll be gentle.
01:08:01Oh, what is that delightful scent?
01:08:08Is it Tiger of the Valley?
01:08:11No, no, don't move.
01:08:14I can't wait any longer.
01:08:27You disgusting convert.
01:08:29Somebody get me out of this thing.
01:08:31I think sign this, Casanova.
01:08:33You better sign it, Dr. Truscott,
01:08:34or you'll be singing soprano.
01:08:36What is it?
01:08:37Well, it's a statement declaring
01:08:39that all students in the current class
01:08:41graduate with full honors.
01:08:44And transferring the ownership
01:08:46of the grand mortuary and the academy
01:08:48to me and my brother.
01:08:51Are you behind this, Mary?
01:08:52Every inch of the way.
01:08:54It looks like you'll be having
01:08:56a skid row honeymoon with Kathy the cadaver.
01:08:59Don't you dare refer to her that way.
01:09:01As for your paper, you can't forget it.
01:09:03I'm not signing anything.
01:09:05Should I turn it up from wood floors
01:09:07and rinoleum to shag and deep pile?
01:09:11Let her rip.
01:09:12Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:09:14Second thought, if anybody has a pen,
01:09:18would you like the ferruz at first?
01:09:20Very funny.
01:09:22Stop!
01:09:22Turn this thing off!
01:09:24Kill it, Abby.
01:09:24Somebody get me my robe.
01:09:33Why, certainly.
01:09:35You people are sick.
01:09:37Coming from you, that's a compliment.
01:09:40I suppose you think you're very smart
01:09:42strong-arming me this way.
01:09:43Well, I'm happy to say the joke's on you.
01:09:46What do you mean?
01:09:47This mortuary is on the brink of bankruptcy.
01:09:50When the credit is foreclosed next week,
01:09:52you fellows are going to find yourself
01:09:53the proud owner of half a million dollars of debt.
01:09:56No way.
01:09:57I'm afraid he might be telling the truth.
01:10:00I'm going to take a shower now.
01:10:02And while I do,
01:10:03I would appreciate it very much
01:10:05if someone would remove that contraption
01:10:07from my fiancée.
01:10:08Good night.
01:10:10If you people can't make a substantial payment
01:10:19within the next 48 hours,
01:10:21the bank will be forced to take over the mortuary
01:10:23and sell it at auction.
01:10:25Am I making myself clear?
01:10:29Truscott's a real douchebag.
01:10:33This isn't fair.
01:10:34These aren't our debts.
01:10:35These are the debts of the old proprietor,
01:10:37Paul Truscott.
01:10:40Mr. Harding, can't we have a little more time?
01:10:44This mortuary has had more than enough time.
01:10:47The bank has run out of patience.
01:10:49Excuse me for interrupting.
01:10:50I just wanted to say goodbye to the new owners.
01:10:52Linda and I are off to St. Thomas.
01:10:54We'll send you a postcard.
01:10:55Paul, she's perfect for you.
01:10:57But you know she'll last longer
01:10:58if you keep her out of the sun.
01:11:01Goodbye, everybody.
01:11:01You're in good hands with Mr. Harding.
01:11:05Charming man.
01:11:05What could we sell
01:11:19that could generate that kind of money?
01:11:20You could start with some of the inventory,
01:11:23the heavier pieces of equipment.
01:11:24No, no.
01:11:24Then we couldn't function as a mortuary.
01:11:27There's got to be a way out of this.
01:11:30Excuse me,
01:11:31I'm looking for the head of the mortuary?
01:11:33That's me.
01:11:35Hi, I'm Bernard Berkowitz,
01:11:36manager of Radio Werewolf,
01:11:38and I'd like to give my boys
01:11:39the most fabulous funeral money can buy.
01:11:42Oh, how were you expecting to pay
01:11:44for this fabulous funeral?
01:11:45Well, frankly, I'm broke.
01:11:47Okay.
01:11:48Welcome to the club.
01:11:49But I thought possibly you guys
01:11:51were Radio Werewolf fans.
01:11:54Well, wait a minute, Mr. Berkowitz.
01:11:55You said Radio Werewolf?
01:11:56My boys, God bless them.
01:11:58Well, they're a musical group, aren't they?
01:11:59They were supposed to play at a party
01:12:01my son was invited to tomorrow.
01:12:03The Bialy Stock Bar Mitzvah,
01:12:05the greatest cash-drop gig
01:12:07I ever negotiated in my life.
01:12:09One million dollars for two cents.
01:12:11A million dollars?
01:12:13Are you saying that these guys
01:12:14are getting paid a million dollars
01:12:16to play at a private party?
01:12:17That's right.
01:12:18Said he'd do anything for that kid of his,
01:12:20including hiring a band
01:12:22that reminded him of his days in detox.
01:12:24And now they're dead?
01:12:25Oh, that is criminal.
01:12:27You know, if those little shits
01:12:28and let two more days, we'd all be rich.
01:12:31Has anyone seen Dixon anywhere?
01:12:33I still can't get Mouse's tail to work,
01:12:35and it's driving me crazy.
01:12:37Dixon!
01:12:38Dixon.
01:12:39Dixon.
01:12:40He's probably in the workroom dog.
01:12:41Tell him that we want to talk to him now.
01:12:43Mr. Berkowitz,
01:12:44were the Radio Werewolf guys
01:12:46badly injured in the accident?
01:12:47You know, maimed?
01:12:49Hardly a mark on them.
01:12:51They were killed by some stupid safety bag.
01:12:53Look, Bernie.
01:12:55Now, if it were possible,
01:12:58don't ask me how,
01:13:00to arrange them to play tomorrow night
01:13:02for one set only here at the mortuary,
01:13:05can you still get that million?
01:13:08Are you out of your mind?
01:13:09Are you out of your mind?
01:13:12I know it's a big job,
01:13:13and you may not be up to it.
01:13:14We need it by tomorrow night.
01:13:15Oh, please, Dixon, you've got to do it.
01:13:18Dixon.
01:13:19Dixon.
01:13:19Dixon.
01:13:19Dixon.
01:13:20If you do it,
01:13:25you'll save the mortuary.
01:13:26No.
01:13:27You'll be a hero.
01:13:28No.
01:13:29You'll have a job with us for life.
01:13:30No.
01:13:31We'll get you a girl.
01:13:33No.
01:13:36You'll make a lot of kids very happy.
01:13:47Okay.
01:13:48I'll do it.
01:13:49But I ain't making any promises.
01:13:55Hey, baby, won't you take a chance?
01:13:58Say that you'll let me have a dance.
01:14:00Let's dance.
01:14:03Let's dance.
01:14:06Don't shake the rock and slam the hill.
01:14:10Any of a dance that you want to do.
01:14:12But let's dance.
01:14:16Hey, baby, I can thrill my soul.
01:14:18Hold me tight.
01:14:20Don't you let me go.
01:14:22Let's dance.
01:14:25Let's dance.
01:14:29This bitch.
01:14:33Shalom, Mr. Berkowitz.
01:14:35I gotta hand it to you, Berkowitz.
01:14:39Ernie Lifkin is sitting at home eating his heart out.
01:14:42His son didn't have anything half this spectacular for his bar mitzvah.
01:14:45That was a great hoax about the band Dine, Mr. Berkowitz.
01:14:47Yeah, you got us a lot of publicity.
01:14:50That's the name of the game, you know.
01:14:51Yeah, nice touch.
01:14:52Having the party at the mall, too.
01:14:53Yeah, yeah.
01:14:55Well, come on, let's go in and check it out.
01:14:57Hey, baby, if you're all alone, baby, you'll let me walk you over.
01:15:03Let's dance.
01:15:05Let's dance.
01:15:08Don't do the shame, go up, watch that and slam the hill.
01:15:12Any of a thing that you want to do.
01:15:14Honey, please.
01:15:16I couldn't help but notice it, but you got some big-ass motherfucking titties,
01:15:21and I was just running there for phone number when you were doing it.
01:15:23Look here.
01:15:24I don't give my telephone number to no titty freak.
01:15:27A titty freak?
01:15:28I ain't no titty freak.
01:15:29I'm a young, black, rising entrepreneur,
01:15:30and I just so happen to own part of this martial rave.
01:15:32Now, what you got to say about that?
01:15:33Oh, 555-1860.
01:15:39You are the most beautiful girl I am ever dancing for.
01:15:43But I thought you said you were blonde.
01:15:44No, I am just trying to learn English.
01:16:02Mary, can I ask you something?
01:16:04Sure, Sam.
01:16:05What is it?
01:16:07Well, when we, uh, you know, clocked,
01:16:12did you do it just to make Dr. Trescott jealous?
01:16:17Yes.
01:16:18But, Sam, I fixed your car for you because I liked you,
01:16:20and I didn't think of Dr. Trescott when we, uh, you know?
01:16:25I know.
01:16:30Hold that kiss.
01:16:31Dixon, what's going on?
01:16:38I'm having a hard time keeping them on their feet.
01:16:42I don't care if they're kneeling.
01:16:44The crowd on the other side of that curtain represents our future.
01:16:47Standing or kneeling, they gotta be ready in 15 minutes.
01:16:50Don't worry, they'll play fine.
01:16:51Oh, Dixon!
01:16:58Okay, quiet, everybody.
01:17:00Quiet, please.
01:17:01I have an announcement to make.
01:17:05Radio Werewolf is splitting up.
01:17:07Oh, no!
01:17:11This will be their last historic performance.
01:17:13And we know it's going to be a concert to remember.
01:17:21This is a boss party you threw for your boy, Barney.
01:17:24Benny.
01:17:25So what's your racket, anyway?
01:17:27I buy, I sell.
01:17:29What about you?
01:17:30I'm on parole.
01:17:31I'm doing ten years at Vacaville for a triple homicide.
01:17:33And some burglary.
01:17:35I could use a man like you.
01:17:37Give me a call tomorrow.
01:17:39We'll have lunch.
01:17:40Great.
01:17:41Oh, sorry, Ben.
01:17:42That wine's going to be all over it.
01:17:44It's okay, Anders.
01:17:45Don't worry about it.
01:17:49Come on.
01:17:51Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.
01:17:55You asked for them.
01:17:57You paid for them.
01:17:59And here they are.
01:18:00The fabulous Radio Werewolf.
01:18:12I never heard such an ugly noise.
01:18:32Dad, this is the happiest day of my life.
01:18:34Money can buy happiness, can't it?
01:18:37Don't you forget it.
01:18:38Here.
01:18:39Where's my wallet?
01:18:40I wanted you.
01:18:54Valerie.
01:18:55Whatever happens, meet me on the roof in a few minutes.
01:18:59Okay?
01:19:00I'll be there.
01:19:00Sixty Cadillachurst.
01:19:08She's not an enemy object.
01:19:11White Huxley's foosie.
01:19:15Fifty thousand miles of funerals.
01:19:18A child just hurts for eternity.
01:19:21The gangsters and psycho gone.
01:19:22Dad.
01:19:23Dad.
01:19:23Because I'm in love.
01:19:24I love you.
01:19:32I love you too.
01:19:36Should we try a kiss?
01:19:39Anything might happen.
01:19:41What's life without risk?
01:19:43So if you're driving down a desolate highway.
01:19:55Headlights burning red like a demon's eyes.
01:19:58You'll see a shadow in your rear view mirror.
01:20:02We'll have no fear and just knock it in.
01:20:04From a super-sized door to a coal-mack fence.
01:20:08Head-glass pastoral.
01:20:09Half-frored just blowing in the wind.
01:20:11She's a hitchhiker's night and a magician's dream.
01:20:16She's a cat with my baby.
01:20:19But she knows who comes first.
01:20:20Because I'm in love with my 1960 Cadillachurst.
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