00:00What are my six rules for friendship between child-free people and parents coming from someone who is happily child-free, but whose friends are mostly moms?
00:07This is Having People Over, my 30-day series all about hosting, gathering, and building community at any budget to celebrate my upcoming book, Having People Over.
00:16Number one, starting off controversially by saying most gatherings should be child-friendly by default.
00:20I've said this before, but while there will obviously always be adults-only gatherings, most gatherings should include children, and that's actually the default in like 99% of the world.
00:28And as a host, it's always easy to make small adjustments that make a party more welcoming for kids, like having little sippy cups you can put their drinks in, or a few foods that are kid-friendly.
00:36Even just cutting food up into small pieces is fine.
00:38Even as a non-parent, it's not hard to have a few kid-friendly games and toys on hand.
00:42Now taking this back to parents, rule number two is you have to get genuinely excited about things that are not kid-related.
00:47So often child-free people are left kind of resentful because it feels like everything they do and try and accomplish is sort of a consolation prize for not having kids.
00:54Because while we've so normalized like celebrating and making an event out of things like getting married and having children, like almost nothing else in life has that same status.
01:02So as a parent, make sure that you are celebrating your child-free friend for things that are important in their lives, even if it's not child-related.
01:08Number three is that the child-free person must accept the 80-20 rule at the beginning of the child's life.
01:13If your friend has just had a child, like especially if they've just given birth, you need to accept that you're going to be putting in 80% of the effort for at least that first little period while the baby's super young.
01:22Because their entire world's just turned upside down and they probably still love you and want you in their life just as much, but just simply do not have the ability to be a present friend in the way that they did before having that kid.
01:32Number four is while most gatherings should be child-free, it is on the parents to make sure that they at least carve out some time for their friendships where they can communicate and kids are not around.
01:41Not even because the kids shouldn't be around, but because it's often really hard for parents to be present and engaged in a conversation and actually listen actively to the other person if the child is within reach.
01:50So even if it's just like phone calls after the kid goes to bed or running errands while they're at school or whatever it is, like the parent needs to carve out time where they can be fully present for their friend too.
01:58Kind of on the flip side, parents should include child-free people in child-centric moments if they want to join.
02:04Something I noticed when I decided not to have children was that some of the parents in our life like just straight up did not invite us to anything child-related.
02:10Not all child-free people are this way, but I am someone who would love to come to your child's birthday party.
02:15I would love to be included in that part of their life, and I want to build a bond with your kid.
02:18So definitely check in with each other, but don't get in the habit of only including parents in moments that are centered around the child.
02:24Lastly, number six is make the husband step the fuck up.
02:27Basically, all of this goes out the window if the father is not an active and equal co-parent because the woman then has basically no time for a meaningful social life.
02:34In fact, the only mom friends I feel like I've truly lost are the ones who are basically solo parents while also working full-time, and I suspect I am not the only friends that they lost.
02:41So make that man step up so you get to have a social life too.
02:45He's not babysitting.
02:46He's parenting his own goddamn child.
02:48That's all.
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