Sam

Quick Plot

2 months ago

Sam

Transcript

00:00Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

00:03Beep. Beep.

00:11Hallucination.

00:13Hallucination.

00:15Excuse me.

00:23Tea?

00:25Got anything stronger?

00:27Oh, it's strong tea. It's a special blend.

00:30Good?

00:35Yeah.

00:36A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.

00:38Whenever I want.

00:39You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?

00:43Good for one thing, and one thing only.

00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.

00:49I guess he forgot to give me my present.

00:51Who's the female of the female of the female of the female?

00:52Oh my God.

00:53Oh my God.

00:55Oh my God.

00:58Shit.

00:59Shit.

01:01Hi, can I help you?

01:02Oh, my God!

01:08Shit.

01:11Shit.

01:14Hi, can I help you?

01:15Where's Doc?

01:16I'm sorry, who are you here to see?

01:17Doc?

01:19Dr. Andrew Bellamy, OBGYN.

01:21It says they're right there on the door.

01:22Well, Dr. Bellamy's with a patient right now.

01:24Okay, well, I need to see him now.

01:27Okay, young lady, please calm yourself down.

01:29Yes, please.

01:30Oh, mind your own business, Ms. STD.

01:34Okay, you know what?

01:35I will set up an appointment for you.

01:37Hey, let's...

01:39Don't mess with me, bitch!

01:47Doc?

01:49Look what fucking happened to me, dude.

01:51Look at me!

01:51Miss, please, I am in the middle of an examination here.

01:55Would you tell Trashmouth Sally here to wait her turn?

01:58Oh, shut the hell up, lady.

02:00Doc, you got...

02:01Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security.

02:04Angie, that won't be necessary.

02:06Help me with Miss Goldfarb here.

02:07We're going to move you to another room.

02:09Thank you, Dr. and Angie.

02:10What a yuck!

02:11No.

02:12Angie, I won't be long.

02:15Doc, I don't know what happened, man.

02:17I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad.

02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building.

02:23Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?

02:25Doc, you got to believe me.

02:26I feel like I'm in this nightmare.

02:28Like, I just keep waiting to wake up.

02:31Dude, it's me.

02:33It's Sam.

02:34Women are demented.

02:36They babble incoherently.

02:37They cry at the drop of a hat.

02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.

02:41Another Sam Wellman expert opinion on women.

02:44Damn straight.

02:45There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat.

02:48It's about time you found yourself a nice woman and you settled down.

02:52Huh?

02:53Like you and Cynthia?

02:54Don't go there.

02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris you haven't banged yet?

03:01I got a hot one tonight, Doc.

03:04Sam.

03:05Sam!

03:05Sam Wellman, your best friend!

03:08Okay, very good.

03:10How much is he paying you?

03:12Ask me something.

03:13Ask me anything.

03:13Oh!

03:15You were nine years old.

03:16You showed it to Lauren Abramsky.

03:18She kicked you in the nuts.

03:18You told your mom you fell off the swing.

03:20He told you that?

03:21I was there, dude.

03:22I practically carried you home.

03:24Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?

03:25I am the prick!

03:28Oh!

03:31DNA!

03:33Miss, please put down the scissors.

03:35Doc, DNA.

03:37DNA, get a DNA test done.

03:38Great, please, the scissors before someone gets hurt.

03:41Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit.

03:43We get a DNA test done?

03:45Yeah.

03:46Okay, sure, great.

03:48Now, give me the scissors and go home and get some rest.

03:50Huh?

03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it.

03:52You'll do it right away.

03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave, it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.

03:56Yeah, okay.

03:56Yeah, sure, great.

03:57Okay, so you're gonna do it.

03:58Uh-huh.

03:59Okay.

03:59Just relax.

04:00Okay.

04:01Go home.

04:02Okay.

04:02Get some rest.

04:03All right.

04:08Fucking Sam.

04:10Jesus.

04:14Hey, Lou, what's up?

04:14Excuse me, can I help you?

04:15Uh, I can't right now, Lou.

04:17I got a situation.

04:18Excuse me, miss.

04:19Uh.

04:20You're here to see who?

04:23Oh, right.

04:24I'm sorry.

04:25I am Sam Wellman's cousin.

04:28I, uh, gave you the keys.

04:32Yeah, Sam, he's a great guy.

04:33Uh-huh.

04:34Yeah, let me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit.

04:37That's great, miss.

04:39Samantha Wellman.

04:40Samantha Wellman.

04:41Lou, but you knew that already.

04:43Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.

04:47Is that right?

04:47Yeah.

04:59Doc.

05:00Huh?

05:00I knew that you called.

05:01Do.

05:02Yo, yo, yo, you get those test results back yet?

05:04Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady,

05:08but this stopped being funny a long time ago.

05:10Now, where the hell is Sam?

05:12Doc, come on, dude, it's me, it's Sam, you gotta...

05:15Dad!

05:17Dad!

05:18Hey, baby.

05:19Hey, hey, hey.

05:21How's it going?

05:22Good.

05:23Oh.

05:25Oh.

05:26Oh.

05:33You gotta be kidding me.

05:34All right, lady, you win.

05:36Now, where the hell is Sam?

05:38Oh, my God, I am so sick of Sam.

05:43Okay.

05:45Okay.

05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snugly very quickly,

05:50or Susu is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's balls.

05:52And I guarantee you're not gonna like it.

05:55Boo-Boo, what's the matter?

05:57I'm sorry.

05:59I just left something at work.

06:02I have to go to work?

06:03Yeah.

06:07At 11.30 at night?

06:14Oh, my God.

06:15It must be crazy.

06:16Okay, but you'll process that right away.

06:33Rush job.

06:34I'll do my best.

06:35Maybe tomorrow.

06:37No promises.

06:38Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?

06:41Where the hell is he?

06:42We have a very important lunch meeting today.

06:44I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.

06:46Yes, and?

06:48And he hasn't answered,

06:49and he isn't answering his emails either.

06:54Now you slip with a fish is done, sheesh.

07:03Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.

07:07My cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day.

07:11She's got just as much experience as me

07:13and can cover my accounts just as well as me

07:15until I get back from...

07:20from...

07:23no.

07:24Till I get back.

07:27Huh.

07:29Cousin Samantha, huh?

07:32Well, as long as she's hot.

07:34Morning, morning.

07:47Excuse me, can I help you?

07:50Margaret.

07:53Do I know you?

07:55Right, um, indirectly.

07:57I am Sam Wellman's cousin.

07:59Samantha, what a pleasure to meet you.

08:02Sam has just told me some.

08:05Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.

08:08That didn't come out right.

08:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

08:10It's fine.

08:11Um, see, Sam and I have a very complex relationship.

08:15But look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.

08:18Look, I hope everything is okay with your family.

08:20I mean...

08:20Oh, yeah.

08:21Yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.

08:23I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavallo.

08:26Sure, let me show you.

08:27No, it's fine.

08:27I know it.

08:29Sam.

08:30Right.

08:32Samantha Wellman.

08:33Sam's fine.

08:33Everything's good.

08:34He will be back soon.

08:36Nice to meet you, Miss Wellman.

08:37Oh, please, Mel.

08:39Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy.

08:41Cool?

08:42Yeah, up, up.

08:43Come on.

08:43Go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?

08:46Sure.

08:47Look great in that dress.

08:48Oof.

08:49Sid, so, Samantha.

08:59So, Seymour.

09:01Welcome to the family.

09:03Yeah, no.

09:04Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?

09:07Let's not talk about business yet.

09:09We gotta get to know each other, right?

09:10Family.

09:11One of the family.

09:13Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?

09:15Her ass?

09:16Except, no, her eyes.

09:20Oh, yeah, okay, what?

09:23You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.

09:26Dinner, tonight.

09:28Oh, you know what?

09:29I can't, I actually, I have plans.

09:32Cancel them.

09:33Yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go.

09:34I'm gonna go.

09:34I have to work.

09:37Work, work, work.

09:38You know, see a seat.

09:39I'm gonna work.

09:40Who are those for, Sam?

09:47No, they're for you, Susu.

09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry.

09:54And one red rose for I love you.

09:57Oh.

10:02No.

10:03Just let me check really quick to see who it is.

10:10If that's Sam and you answer it, we are so over.

10:14Johnny, did you get the results?

10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.

10:18I've never seen such a spot-on correlation between male and female DNA.

10:22What?

10:23I've seen identical twins that were never near this close.

10:25Now, um...

10:27Who do these belong to, anyway?

10:29Thanks, Johnny.

10:30I owe you one.

10:33So, uh, what was that all about?

10:35If I'm not being too inquisitive.

10:37It's a long story.

10:40Good.

10:41So write me a letter.

10:43Okay.

10:45You son of a bitch.

10:47Okay.

10:48Okay, okay.

11:01Oh.

11:08Doc.

11:09Doc, did you hear?

11:10Yeah.

11:11Oh, yeah.

11:11I heard.

11:12So now you believe me?

11:14I don't know what to believe.

11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?

11:16That's what the man said.

11:18Yes!

11:21Oh.

11:23I don't necessarily believe you.

11:27Okay, you dumb bastard.

11:29What more proof do you need?

11:30But I don't necessarily think that you're lying, either.

11:33I just...

11:34Jesus.

11:37Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.

11:40That's what Sam always said.

11:43Said?

11:44Dude, I'm not dead.

11:45I'm standing right here.

11:46Oh, God.

11:47I need a drink.

11:47Jesus.

11:55Doc.

11:56You're my best friend.

11:59Actually, you're my only friend.

12:02Doc, you gotta believe me.

12:03Man, you gotta help me.

12:04I just...

12:05I don't know where to turn.

12:07I wanna...

12:08I wanna help you, Sam.

12:13Sam, that's a good start.

12:14But I don't know how.

12:16Well, God damned if I know.

12:20When did this happen?

12:23So I go into this little shop down in the village.

12:25I talk to some funny old dude.

12:28I go home.

12:29I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick.

12:30Do you remember where this place was?

12:33Well, I don't know exactly.

12:35Well, come on.

12:37Come on.

12:39So where's this magical shop?

12:42I'm telling you, this is the street.

12:46Sure.

12:46Um, excuse me.

12:49Hi, excuse me.

12:50I'm sorry.

12:50Is there, um, like a little brick-a-brack shop on this street?

12:54A what?

12:54You know, like, um, uh, a shop with, like, a whole bunch of old crap in it.

12:58It'd be, like, 50 years ago.

12:59You know what the rent is like around here?

13:04You know what the rent is like around here?

13:06Really?

13:08Okay, okay, fine.

13:09Maybe it's not this street.

13:11Maybe you're not Sam.

13:12I have patients in the morning, and I'm gonna go.

13:14No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.

13:16Just, can we meet tomorrow, then?

13:18At our spot?

13:19You know what I'm talking about?

13:21I do, but do you?

13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.

13:24Well, deal?

13:28Cool.

13:38She even eats like him.

13:40All right, let's go to your office.

13:43I want you to examine me.

13:46What?

13:48No!

13:49No, ew, no way!

13:51Maybe you can find something.

13:53Like my cock.

13:55No.

13:57Why the hell not?

13:58Because it's weird, that's why.

14:01I'm not looking for your cock.

14:03I'll send you a referral or something.

14:05I don't want another gynecologist.

14:07I want you.

14:08You're my best friend.

14:09Nice talking to you.

14:17Oh, see.

14:20Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.

14:22I'm sorry, who are you?

14:25Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.

14:28She's just filling in for Sam while he's off on some little sabbatical.

14:32Family business.

14:33Oh.

14:34Oh, nothing serious.

14:36Uh, but excuse me.

14:37I gotta take a leak.

14:39A pee.

14:39A pit.

14:40I'm gonna use a little girl's room.

14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.

14:47Seymour.

14:49That girl needs a makeover.

14:50Yes, miss, what can I get you?

14:55Okay, um, let's see, a pint and a shot of whiskey, please.

14:59And, um, actually, can you give me the whiskey while you pull the pint?

15:02Certainly.

15:03Enjoy.

15:03You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink.

15:13A drink.

15:14Are you seri-

15:14Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?

15:17You don't have to get nasty.

15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.

15:21Maybe two.

15:22Okay, you know what?

15:23Barkeep.

15:24Here.

15:25Cancel the pint.

15:27Screw off, man.

15:29You're lost, baby.

15:30Let me just go.

15:50Get rid of whoever is, all right?

15:55Yeah.

15:56Yes.

15:57Jesus.

15:58Yes.

16:01Doc.

16:02Please, no.

16:04I'm bleeding.

16:05Now is not a good time.

16:07I have been hemorrhaging all night down there.

16:11You're menstruating.

16:13What?

16:13You're having your period.

16:15I'm riding the cotton pony!

16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize that office hours haven't begun?

16:22Doc, what am I gonna do?

16:24You buy yourself some tampons.

16:26Oh, my God.

16:27Okay, you need to leave right now.

16:29You need to get out of here.

16:30Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.

16:32Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?

16:34Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature talk to me like that.

16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe it.

16:40I'm having this creature.

16:41Talk to me like that.

16:42Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on.

16:44Please.

16:44Do I have to throw you out myself?

16:47Oh, try it.

16:48I do kickboxing.

16:50Chick's only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?

16:52Oh, yeah.

16:56Yeah?

16:56Yeah.

16:57Stop it!

16:58Stop!

16:59Stop!

17:00Stop!

17:01Stop!

17:02Stop!

17:03Stop!

17:04Stop me!

17:05Stop!

17:06No!

17:07All right!

17:08Enough!

17:09Enough!

17:10She started it!

17:11Sam, I think you better go.

17:15Sam?

17:16Did you just call her Sam?

17:19Samantha, she's, uh, Sam's cousin.

17:22Oh, okay, well, this makes perfect sense.

17:25Shut up! Why doesn't she go?

17:27Because she is my fiancé,

17:30and you are my patient.

17:34Don't ever do this.

17:36Wait, no, can we just talk about this?

17:39Later.

17:40Well, wait, wait, but later, later, or never later?

17:42Just go.

17:43Oh!

17:45Wait.

17:49Well, what am I supposed to do with these?

18:06Oh, and don't forget the pearls.

18:09You're Samantha.

18:11My 1.30.

18:12Yeah, no.

18:14No, I'm, uh...

18:16I'm, uh, I gotta go.

18:18Come here.

18:23Turn around.

18:27My studio tomorrow, 3 p.m.,

18:29and let's do try to be on time now, shall we?

18:33Dear dear, put these on.

18:37Uh, yeah, man, listen.

18:39Uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.

18:41I am here to teach you to be a girl.

18:46What?

18:46Hey.

18:47I'll be right back.

18:48No, we're going to teach you.

18:48There's a direct conversation

18:49where you're going along.

18:58Most of the problems are you.

19:08I can turn around the world.

19:08You're just soaring to the strength of earth.

19:42All right, Mrs. Smith.

20:12Doc, please just hear me out.

20:19No.

20:20Doc, please.

20:23You have five minutes.

20:24I paid for an hour.

20:25I'll reimburse you.

20:26Four minutes, 50 seconds.

20:28Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?

20:32Well, I tried calling you.

20:34I've tried emailing you.

20:35It's been two weeks.

20:37I was hoping you'd get the message.

20:39What message?

20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened and totally screwed everything up.

20:47Do you think I was just going to forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?

20:51Doc, we're dudes.

20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.

20:58We are not dudes, Sam.

21:00Only one of us is a dude.

21:03That's the problem.

21:06That's always going to be the problem.

21:09Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?

21:12Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?

21:15Having this face staring back at me every morning?

21:19Okay, relax.

21:20It's not such a bad face.

21:23Maybe you could get used to it.

21:24No, Doc, no.

21:26I'm not going to get used to this.

21:28I don't want to live this life anymore.

21:30Hey, don't talk like that.

21:34You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so...

21:41I don't know.

21:42Maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.

21:46You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.

21:51You're serious?

21:52That's a heart attack.

21:54What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.

22:03How much more?

22:04We're talking about serious stuff.

22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.

22:08Major, major stuff.

22:11How major are we talking?

22:11You sure you want to do this?

22:30Give it some time, okay?

22:32Take a minute.

22:33How about we...

22:35We'll just...

22:36We'll get over and...

22:39Okay.

22:41Let's just...

22:42Keep this between the two of us.

22:43Right?

22:46Mom's the word, pal.

22:50You know, I'm...

22:51I'm starving.

22:53You want to grab a bite?

22:55In the minute...

22:56I need you to explain something to me.

23:01The doctor is in?

23:03I, uh...

23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.

23:11You skipped your period.

23:13What?

23:14Oh, my God.

23:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

23:17I, um...

23:18You know, I look at girls, nothing.

23:20I look at guys, nothing.

23:22I look at porn, nothing.

23:24So, what, am I frigid?

23:26Do I have some kind of mental problems?

23:27I mean...

23:29I don't know.

23:30I feel like a fucking female eunuch.

23:34What?

23:35What?

23:35A little louder.

23:36I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.

23:38Look.

23:40It's complex.

23:42Complex?

23:42You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.

23:46Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.

23:49Most can't.

23:50Yeah, but that's just plumbing.

23:52It takes them a little longer to warm up,

23:55but with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.

23:57Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.

24:01Their arousal is more subtle.

24:03It's more intricate.

24:05Which, translated from New Age cycle babble, means what?

24:08They have to really like the person they're with

24:10to feel fully aroused.

24:12Let's face it, women are complicated.

24:15Yeah, you're telling me.

24:20Oh, shoot.

24:22The office meeting got pushed up.

24:25I gotta go.

24:29No.

24:31What's wrong?

24:33Um, can I just call you later

24:35and maybe talk more about the issue?

24:39Sure.

24:40Uh, remember to stay out of trouble.

24:44Promise.

24:46You look so nice, Samantha.

24:49Thanks, Margaret.

24:51So do you.

24:52Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.

24:54I punch up the graphics in the proposal,

24:56added some extras.

24:57Wow.

24:58Nice work, Margaret.

25:04Wow.

25:05Yes, it's still tingling.

25:07Yeah.

25:09Feels like it just...

25:10Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.

25:12You look...

25:13Stunning.

25:15I mean, stunning.

25:18Come over here and sit next to Seymour.

25:20I'm fine.

25:21Right over here.

25:24Samantha, as I recall,

25:25you had some wonderful ideas

25:27about our internet campaign.

25:29Oh, yes.

25:29And before I begin,

25:32I would like to just say

25:34thank you to Margaret

25:35for all the wonderful work

25:36that she did on these reports.

25:40Now, as you can see from this chart,

25:42the models that we used

25:44on this season's online campaign

25:46scored highest

25:47between the ages of 34 and 44.

25:51And the numbers start to less...

25:52An excellent presentation, Sam.

25:54May I call you Sam?

25:55I prefer it, actually.

25:57We will be in touch about the details.

26:00I look forward to it.

26:02I think this calls

26:03for a little promotion.

26:05We'll go over the specifics

26:06in my office.

26:07Cocktails mandatory.

26:09How about we skip the cocktails

26:11and settle on a 20% raise?

26:13Huh?

26:13A raise!

26:15I think that's a capital idea.

26:17And a bonus, too.

26:19I mean, after all,

26:20she's earned it, hasn't she?

26:21I suppose we could do a bonus, but...

26:24Seymour,

26:26remember our little understanding,

26:28don't you?

26:28Oh, of course.

26:30Meow, baby.

26:31Oh!

26:36I think a raise this big

26:38deserves a hug!

26:42You don't know what you're missing.

26:45And another thing.

26:47That promotion,

26:48it's going to Margaret.

26:50Huh?

26:51She earned it.

26:53Actually, she should have gotten it

26:54three years ago,

26:55but you and Sam were too busy

26:56stealing all of her ideas

26:57to give it to her.

26:58I don't know about that.

27:01I do.

27:02And I'm sure Lulu would love

27:04to hear about Margaret's contributions

27:06over the years.

27:08You would do that?

27:09us girls have to stick together.

27:16Samantha.

27:17Hey, Margaret.

27:18You know,

27:19you didn't need to say that

27:20about me in the meeting

27:21and to Mr. Cavallo.

27:23Actually,

27:24I did.

27:25I don't know how to thank you.

27:28Just...

27:29keep doing what you're doing.

27:32Thanks again.

27:33Of course.

27:34That feels good, Sam.

27:49Sam?

27:55What is it, Susu?

27:57You just called me Sam.

28:01No, I didn't.

28:02Yes, you most certainly did.

28:05What the...

28:06What the hell

28:07is going on right now?

28:09What are you talking about?

28:11Is it that cousin of his?

28:13That little tramp

28:15that showed up here

28:16faking her period?

28:17She wasn't faking it.

28:18Oh, so now you're

28:19defending her?

28:20No, what?

28:21I...

28:21You're...

28:22That's not what I said.

28:23Oh, my God.

28:26Oh, my God.

28:27You're gay.

28:30What?

28:31That's it.

28:31I've been a perfect fool.

28:35You and Mr. Sleazebag

28:37have been having

28:37a secret affair

28:38behind my back

28:39in all this time.

28:40I thought you were straight.

28:42Oh, my God.

28:43Oh, my God.

28:45I'm straight.

28:47Can we just talk this over?

28:49There's nothing to talk about.

28:51Goodbye.

28:56So how bad a fight was it?

28:58I didn't say we had a fight.

29:01You didn't have to.

29:03You got that post-fight look.

29:06Droopy shoulders,

29:07a little mopey around the edges.

29:08Sam,

29:09I don't want to talk about it.

29:11All right, fine, man.

29:12Suit yourself.

29:13Hey, dude.

29:19What about me?

29:21What about you?

29:22Well, I might be a few pounds lighter,

29:23but I can still catch a football.

29:24Sam,

29:25we don't play tackle football with women.

29:28End of discussion.

29:29Dude,

29:29I still got the chops.

29:30Please close.

29:31Sexist pig.

29:32I heard that.

29:34Ready?

29:35Yeah, I think so.

29:36All right, guys.

29:37Let's play some football.

29:39Yeah, this chick.

29:40Her name's Samantha.

29:42She's Sam's cousin.

29:43Yeah, Steve.

29:45Sam's telling me all about you, dude.

29:47Congratulations on the wedding,

29:48by the way,

29:49from what Sam tells me,

29:50you're getting quite a girl.

29:53Okay.

29:54Quite a girl.

29:55Are you kidding about playing?

29:57Yeah, she's kidding.

29:58No, no,

29:58she's not kidding.

29:59We're all great football players

30:01in my family,

30:02and believe me,

30:03guys,

30:03I know how to handle a ball.

30:07I'm sure you do.

30:08One play.

30:09No.

30:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:11Yeah, I know.

30:12Okay.

30:13Okay, let's let it play.

30:14One play.

30:15Come on.

30:15Let's go.

30:17Come on.

30:18Woo!

30:19Woo!

30:19I'm not your fucking head, Sam.

30:20Jeez.

30:22See it?

30:23Go.

30:27Oh!

30:28Got it!

30:28Oh, shit!

30:29You fucking teeth!

30:33You got off of me!

30:35Steve's got brown in my ass!

30:37Oh!

30:39Fuck her!

30:40Wait, what?

30:41Get off!

30:41Steve!

30:43God!

30:44David for Georgette!

30:45What?

30:46Better shut this girl up!

30:47Relax, dude!

30:47I know how much you hurt the ass, Clay!

30:49Relax!

30:50Come on!

30:50No, you know what?

30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia anyway.

30:54Don't call her a bitch, Steve.

30:55Oh, she's a bitch.

30:57Okay, so now I'm a bitch.

30:58Oh, you're a grade-A bitch.

31:00I told you not to call her a bitch.

31:02Oh, sorry, little bitch.

31:04You fucking-

31:04Guys, guys, get off of me!

31:05You fucking ass!

31:05Come on!

31:06Guys, come on!

31:07Come on!

31:07Take some shit!

31:08Relax!

31:09Come on, relax!

31:10Listen!

31:11Come on, we're all friends.

31:12Shake hands.

31:13Come on!

31:14Uh-huh.

31:16We're friends.

31:16Doc, come on, man.

31:24It's okay.

31:24Let it go.

31:25No.

31:26It's not okay, all right?

31:29Nothing is okay.

31:32Doc.

31:33You were right.

31:34She left me.

31:36Are you happy now?

31:37No.

31:38No.

31:39No.

31:40No.

31:41No.

31:42No.

31:43No.

31:44No.

31:45No.

31:46No.

32:01Peace offering.

32:04Listen, Doc, um, I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want,

32:13then...

32:14Lately, I don't know what I want.

32:16I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.

32:22Well, at least you have balls.

32:26Oh, God.

32:30You're having a muscle spasm.

32:31No, it's fine.

32:32It's fine.

32:32I'll just take some aspirin.

32:33Who's the doctor here?

32:34Lay down.

32:36Come on.

32:37Come on.

32:38Come on.

32:39Come on.

32:40Turn it over.

32:41Okay.

32:42Yeah.

32:43Right there?

32:44Oh, God.

32:45Yeah.

32:46How does that feel?

32:47Oh, much better.

32:49Better.

32:49I, uh, have to use the john.

32:59Oh, my God.

33:00Oh, my God.

33:12She's alive.

33:15You.

33:16Yes.

33:17Me.

33:18I think it's time that, uh, you know, you and I had a little talk.

33:31Uh, what would you like to talk about?

33:35The fact that you stole my man and I'd like him back.

33:41Decent men in this city are few and far between.

33:46Oh, you forgot rich.

33:48Women like me, okay?

33:52Successful career women.

33:55Women who think about tomorrow.

33:58Women who plan maybe five, ten years ahead in their life.

34:02We sometimes, we have to settle.

34:06Settle.

34:07Settle.

34:08Or were you born yesterday?

34:10Actually, about a month ago.

34:12How much?

34:13What?

34:15You heard me.

34:17How much do you want to, uh, let him go?

34:22I'm sorry.

34:23Are you trying to buy me off?

34:28You're obviously the type, you know.

34:30I mean, if it walks like a duck.

34:33How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?

34:40Andrew.

34:42I, I'm, I'm so sorry.

34:50Just please.

34:51Please what?

34:52We are so done.

35:02Okay.

35:03Okay.

35:04All right.

35:05Well, when you change your mind and you come begging, don't bother calling, okay?

35:08Because I'm changing my number.

35:09Change your hairstyle while you're at it.

35:13It's really not a good look on her, you know?

35:21Look, Doc, I would say that I'm sorry, but you know, I'm, I'm just, I'm just not.

35:26Please.

35:33You just did me the biggest favor of my life.

35:36Yeah?

35:38Were you really gonna belt her?

35:41Hell yeah.

35:43Spunky little thing, aren't ya?

35:44In a manner of speaking?

35:54Damn.

35:55What?

35:56I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding.

35:59You're still going to that thing?

36:01You saw, we shook.

36:03Well, I would go with you, only...

36:05You are going with me.

36:07Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that.

36:11Tough.

36:13We're a team.

36:15Package deal.

36:16Anybody who doesn't like it, can shove it.

36:20I can't zip this thing off.

36:31What do you think?

36:32Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?

36:34I...

36:37Uh...

36:38Oh, hashtag clue.

36:40A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness.

36:43It's sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women.

36:46And hormonal overload in the men.

36:48Well, the straight ones at least.

36:50All the gay ones eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here.

36:54Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.

36:55Oh, I'm not her boyfriend.

36:56They say rather loudly.

36:59So, Doc, what do you think?

37:01Is this the one?

37:02This the one?

37:04Yeah.

37:05It's good.

37:06It's fine.

37:07Write it up, Marie.

37:08Excellent choice.

37:13What?

37:14Oh, nothing.

37:15I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding.

37:20Your what?

37:21The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention.

37:26Okay.

37:28For example, the stocking check.

37:34Oh, my goodness.

37:37Is that a run?

37:39How perfectly awful.

37:40Yeah.

37:41Works like a charm every time.

37:42Whatcha gonna have the gams to back it up?

37:43Oh, my God.

37:44What?

37:45Sam, what's going on?

37:49What?

37:51Is everything alright?

37:52Oh, my God.

38:06Sam, what's going on?

38:09What? Is everything all right?

38:13You're downstairs.

38:15Yeah, just come on up.

38:17Come on in.

38:22How's it going?

38:25Um, yeah, good, good.

38:27Yeah, I think, um, probably.

38:31Probably? What's wrong?

38:33You know what? I'm sorry.

38:35I, um...

38:37I'm gonna go. This can wait.

38:39Oh! Oh, hey!

38:40Hold on, what's wrong?

38:42I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.

38:46What's going on?

38:48Well, it's, um, it's about the issue.

38:53The issue?

38:55Yeah.

38:56Uh, the issue. Oh.

38:58The issue. The...

39:01You're still having problems with the arousal thing.

39:03Oh, God, no, no. Actually, um, it's been fine.

39:07Uh, how fine? Like, um, you know, once a day?

39:12More.

39:15Two, three times a day?

39:18More than three times?

39:19Yeah.

39:20Per day?

39:21Yeah.

39:22How much more?

39:23Six.

39:27Today?

39:28Tonight.

39:29You know what, Doc? I'm so sorry.

39:31I'm really embarrassed.

39:32I think...

39:33Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.

39:35Whoa, come on. It's fine.

39:36What's going on?

39:38I don't know. It's just that, you know, she's, um...

39:43She's being really specific about, about, um, who she wants.

39:49Like, if I, um, if I think of, um, this one person, she gets, like, really, really happy.

39:57And then, if I think about anyone else, she gets, like, really cranky.

40:01So, uh, who's the lucky, uh...

40:10No! No! Fuck! Oh, fuck, no!

40:13Yeah, Doc, you know what? Oh, my God, I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry.

40:16You know what? Just forget that I said anything.

40:18Oh, no, no, no, you know what? Just wait, hold on.

40:21Uh, um...

40:24Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here, because you come in, and then you are honest with me,

40:30and what I do is I play 20 questions with you, and, uh, um, that's not fair,

40:34because what you're dealing with is, uh, you're trying to compact, like, 30 years of female psychological development into a few early short months,

40:43and, and, um, I think that what you're gonna find is that, uh, in time, the sexual focus, uh, shifts, and it expands,

40:53and that, uh, there are techniques you can use, um, to, uh, uh, uh...

41:02I'm babbling.

41:03Yeah.

41:07Because I'm completely full of shit.

41:09Yeah.

41:10Yeah.

41:14Sam!

41:17Buddy!

41:19We used to chase babes together.

41:22You know, we would, uh, we'd get hammered together.

41:24I can't help it. She won't listen to me.

41:29Time out.

41:32Time out. Let's, um, let's breathe.

41:35Breathe.

41:38Oh, it's good. Right like that.

41:40We're gonna breathe.

41:42We had a moment, and, uh, the moment passed.

41:46And we're fine.

41:48You're fine! I'm in heat!

41:50Sam! Oh, sit! Just...

41:53Why don't you sit? Why don't, um...

41:55Um...

41:56Yeah, uh, eat some chips.

41:59And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer.

42:01We're gonna get a beer, and we're gonna talk this out.

42:04Oh.

42:10Oh.

42:15Oh.

42:17Oh.

42:18That's nice.

42:20You, you know, we are gonna look back at this,

42:24and we're gonna...

42:25Oh.

42:28Oh, God, you...

42:31threw...

42:32so...

42:35good.

42:40Um...

42:42That's...

42:43Those are, uh, it's just androgens.

42:45Those are pheromones, and that's a chemical...

42:49Uh-uh.

42:50Uh-uh.

42:54What?

42:56I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to...

43:00cuddle.

43:03Ugh.

43:07Wow.

43:20Ye olde curiosity shop.

43:37Tonight at midnight.

43:40To make the choice.

43:50songfake.

44:12Congratulations.

44:14Thanks, Doug.

44:15Thanks for coming.

44:16for coming. And, uh, you're here. It was a beautiful ceremony. Thank you. So you're Sam's

44:25cousin. Same blood runs through our veins. I've heard a lot about you. Only good things,

44:31right? So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway? Oh, uh, he's like a new person. Sort of feels

44:40like he's with us here in spirit. Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time.

44:46Come on, Sam, Manta. Let's go get a cocktail. Enjoy. You know, when I was a guy, I used to

44:54do this for girls. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't think I've ever done this for a woman.

45:02You know, I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry. Thanks, Doc. What's wrong, Sam?

45:11You seem sad, I noticed in the car on the way over. Let's just talk about it later, okay?

45:21You know what? I think, I think they might be playing our song.

45:26We have a song. We do now. Come on.

45:32May I have this dance? And it does a bear as shit. Of course you may.

45:39So, what's it like?

45:51What's what like?

45:53Being a woman.

45:55It's like, uh, someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.

46:00Which means?

46:04Um, which means when I walk into a room, I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.

46:13Either they're happy or horny or sad, or if they have a chance in hell of stealing you

46:22away from me.

46:24Anybody in here, uh, giving you any competition?

46:31See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?

46:34Yeah.

46:35Well, she'd have a shot at you.

46:37If she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex, and...

46:41If...

46:43Yeah?

46:47If you weren't totally smitten with me.

46:49Oh, I'm smitten, huh?

46:54Crazy in love.

46:58Wow.

46:59You're good.

47:08Feelings mutual, by the way.

47:09I know it's you, Sam.

47:25But you're different.

47:29Good different?

47:30No.

47:33Not good.

47:34Amazing.

47:49When's the last time you kissed me like that?

47:52It's all right.

47:53What?

48:02What?

48:02Do you have a hot date or something?

48:03Come on, you're spoiling my after?

48:05Oh.

48:07I have to talk to you outside.

48:10Right now.

48:10I need a favor.

48:20Anything.

48:22Can you drive me down to the village?

48:24Now?

48:25What for?

48:27Do you trust me?

48:28Of course I trust you.

48:30Then just please don't ask any questions.

48:33Okay.

48:34If that's the way you want it.

48:36Okay, but we have to leave right now.

48:40I need to be there by midnight.

48:41Okay.

49:06Doc.

49:08No.

49:08Sam.

49:09No.

49:10No.

49:36No.

49:38No.

49:39No.

49:40No.

49:41No.

49:41Yes.

49:48No.

49:51No.

49:52It says now.

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