- 3 months ago
Sam
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
00:12Hallucination. Hallucination.
00:16Excuse me.
00:24Tea?
00:26Got anything stronger?
00:28It's strong tea. It's a special blend.
00:30Good?
00:35Yeah.
00:36A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.
00:38Whenever I want.
00:39You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?
00:43Good for one thing, and one thing only.
00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.
00:49I guess he forgot to give me my present.
00:51I'm not very fond of the female.
00:52No!
00:53No!
00:54No!
00:55No!
00:56No!
00:57No!
00:58No!
00:59No!
01:00No!
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01:47No!
01:48No!
01:49No!
01:50No!
01:51No!
01:52No!
01:53I'm in the middle of an examination here. Would you tell trash mouth Sally here to wait a turn?
01:58Oh, shut the hell up, lady! Doc, you got- If you do not behave, I will call security.
02:04Angie, that won't be necessary. Help me with Miss Goldfarb here. We're gonna move you to another room.
02:09Thank you, Doctor and Angie. What a yuck! No! Angie, I won't be long.
02:15Doc, I don't know what happened, man. I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad!
02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building. Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:25Doc, you gotta believe me. I feel like I'm in this nightmare. Like, I just keep waiting to wake up!
02:31Dude! It's me! It's Sam!
02:34Women are demented. They babble incoherently. They cry at the drop of a hat.
02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.
02:41Another Sam Wellman expert opinion on women.
02:44Damn straight. There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat.
02:47It's about time you found yourself a nice woman and you settled down. Huh?
02:52Like you and Cynthia? Don't go there.
02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris you haven't banged yet?
03:00I got a hot one tonight, Doc.
03:04Sam. Sam! Sam Wellman, your best friend!
03:08Okay, very good. How much is he paying you?
03:11Ask me something. Ask me anything. Oh! You were nine years old. You showed it to Lauren Abramsky.
03:17She kicked you in the nuts. You told your mom you fell off the swing.
03:20He told you that?
03:21I was there, dude. I practically carried you home.
03:24Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?
03:25I am that prick!
03:28Oh!
03:31DNA!
03:33Miss, please put down the scissors.
03:35Doc, DNA. DNA, get a DNA test done.
03:38Great. Please, the scissors before someone gets hurt.
03:41Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit. We get a DNA test done. Yeah.
03:46Okay, sure. Great. Now, give me the scissors and go home and get some rest. Huh?
03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it. You're gonna do it right away.
03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave, it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.
03:56Yeah? Okay.
03:56Yeah, sure. Great.
03:57Okay, so, but you're gonna do it.
03:58Uh-huh.
03:59Okay.
03:59Just relax.
04:00Okay.
04:01Go home.
04:01Okay.
04:02Get some rest.
04:03All right.
04:03Fucking Sam. Jesus.
04:14Hey, hey, Lou. What's up?
04:14Excuse me. Can I help you?
04:16Uh, I can't right now, Lou. I got a situation.
04:18Excuse me, miss.
04:18Uh.
04:20You're here to see who?
04:23Oh, right. I'm sorry. I am Sam Wellman's cousin. I, uh, gave you the keys.
04:30Yeah, Sam. He's a great guy.
04:33Uh-huh.
04:34Yeah, he'd let me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit.
04:37That's great, miss.
04:38Samantha Wellman. Samantha Wellman.
04:41Lou, but you knew that already.
04:44Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.
04:47Is that right?
04:47Yeah.
04:48Yeah.
04:59Doc.
05:00Huh?
05:00I knew that you called.
05:01Dude, yo, yo, yo, you get those test results back yet?
05:03Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady,
05:08but this stopped being funny a long time ago.
05:10Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:12Doc, come on.
05:13Dude, it's me. It's Sam. You gotta...
05:15Dad! Dad! Dad!
05:18Hey, baby.
05:19Hey, hey, hey, hey.
05:21How's it going?
05:21Good.
05:22Good.
05:23Aw.
05:25Mmm.
05:34You gotta be kidding me.
05:34All right, lady. You win. Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:38Oh, my God. I am so sick of Sam.
05:40Okay. Okay.
05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snugly very quickly,
05:50or Susu is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's balls.
05:52And I guarantee you're not gonna like it.
05:54Boo-Boo, what's the matter?
05:57I'm sorry.
06:00I just left something at work.
06:01I have to go to work?
06:03Yeah.
06:03Uh...
06:07At 11.30 at night?
06:14Oh, my God. It must be crazy.
06:29Fuck.
06:30Okay, but you'll process that right away.
06:33Rush job.
06:34I'll do my best.
06:35Maybe tomorrow.
06:37No promises.
06:38Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?
06:41Where the hell is he?
06:42We have a very important lunch meeting today.
06:44I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.
06:46Yes, and...?
06:48And he hasn't answered, and he isn't answering his emails either.
06:51Now you slip what the fish is done, sheesh.
07:03Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.
07:07My cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day.
07:11She's got just as much experience as me,
07:13and can cover my accounts just as well as me,
07:15until I get back from...
07:21From...
07:23No.
07:24Till I get back.
07:28Huh.
07:29Cousin Samantha, huh?
07:32Well, as long as she's hot.
07:34Morning, morning.
07:48Excuse me, can I help you?
07:50Margaret.
07:53Do I know you?
07:55Right, um, indirectly, I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
07:59Samantha, what a pleasure to meet you.
08:02Sam has just told me so.
08:05Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.
08:08That didn't come out right.
08:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
08:11Um, see, Sam and I have a very complex relationship,
08:15but look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.
08:17Look, I hope everything is okay with your family, I mean.
08:20Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.
08:24I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavallo.
08:26Sure, let me show you.
08:27No, it's fine, I know.
08:29Sam.
08:31Right?
08:31Samantha Wellman.
08:33Sam's fine, everything's good, he will be back soon.
08:36Nice to meet you, Ms. Wellman.
08:37Oh, please, Mel.
08:39Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy, cool?
08:41Yeah, up, up, come on.
08:43Uh, go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?
08:47Sure.
08:47Look great in that dress.
08:48Oof.
08:54Sid, Saul, Samantha.
08:57So, Seymour.
09:01Welcome to the family.
09:02Yeah, no.
09:03Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?
09:06Let's not talk about business yet.
09:09We gotta get to know each other, right?
09:10Family.
09:11One of the family.
09:12Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?
09:15Her ass?
09:16Exactly.
09:17No.
09:18Her eyes.
09:19Oh, yeah, okay, what?
09:22You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.
09:26Dinner tonight.
09:27Oh, you know what?
09:29I can't, I actually, I have plans.
09:31Cancel them.
09:33Yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go.
09:34I'm gonna go.
09:34I have to work.
09:37Work, work, work.
09:38You know, see a seat.
09:39I'm gonna work.
09:40Work.
09:44Who are those for?
09:45Sam?
09:48No, they're for you, Susu.
09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry,
09:54and one red rose for I love you.
10:03No.
10:04No.
10:05Just.
10:05Don't.
10:06Let me.
10:07Don't.
10:07Check really quick.
10:08See who it is.
10:10If that's Sam, and you answer it, we are so over.
10:14Johnny, did you get the results?
10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.
10:18I've never seen such a spot on correlation between male and female DNA.
10:22What?
10:23I've seen identical twins that were never near this close.
10:25Now, um.
10:27Who do these belong to anyway?
10:29Thanks, Johnny.
10:31I owe you one.
10:33So, uh, what was that all about?
10:35If I'm not being too inquisitive.
10:37It's a long story.
10:41Good.
10:42So, write me a letter.
10:43Okay.
10:45You son of a bitch.
10:47Okay.
10:48Okay, okay.
11:01Oh.
11:08Doc.
11:09Doc, did you hear?
11:10Yeah.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:11I heard.
11:12So now you believe me?
11:14I don't know what to believe.
11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?
11:17That's what the man said.
11:18Yes!
11:21Oh.
11:24I don't necessarily believe you.
11:27Okay, you dumb bastard.
11:28What more proof do you need?
11:29But I don't necessarily think that you're lying either.
11:33I just...
11:35Jesus.
11:35Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.
11:40That's what Sam always said.
11:43Said?
11:44Dude, I'm not dead.
11:45I'm standing right here.
11:46Oh, God.
11:46I need a drink.
11:47Jesus.
11:55Doc.
11:56You're my best friend.
11:57Actually, you're my only friend.
12:02Doc, you gotta believe me.
12:03Man, you gotta help me.
12:04I just...
12:05I don't know where to turn.
12:07I wanna...
12:09I wanna help you, Sam.
12:13Sam, that's a good start.
12:14But I don't know how.
12:16Well, God damned if I know!
12:20When did this happen?
12:21So I go into this little shop down in the village.
12:25I talk to some funny old dude.
12:28I go home, I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick.
12:30You remember where this place was?
12:33Well, I don't know exactly.
12:35Well, come on!
12:37Come on!
12:39So where's this magical shop?
12:42I'm telling you, this is the street.
12:44Hmm.
12:46Sure.
12:48Um, excuse me.
12:49Hi, excuse me.
12:50I'm sorry.
12:50Is there, um, like a little brick-a-brack shop on this street?
12:54A what?
12:54You know, like, um, uh, a shop with like a whole bunch of old crap in it.
12:58It'd be like 50 years ago.
12:59You know what the rent is like around here?
13:04You know what the rent is like around here?
13:08Okay, okay, fine.
13:09Maybe it's not this street.
13:11Maybe you're not Sam.
13:12I have patience in the morning, and I'm gonna go.
13:14No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.
13:15Just...
13:17Can we meet tomorrow then?
13:18At our spot?
13:19You know what I'm talking about?
13:21I do, but do you?
13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.
13:24Well, deal?
13:28Cool.
13:29She even eats like him.
13:42All right, let's go to your office.
13:43I want you to examine me.
13:45What?
13:48No!
13:48No!
13:49No!
13:49Ew!
13:50No way!
13:50Maybe you can find something.
13:53Like my cock.
13:55No.
13:57Why the hell not?
13:58Because it's weird, that's why.
14:01I'm not looking for your cock.
14:03I'll send you a referral or something.
14:05I don't want another gynecologist.
14:07I want you.
14:08You're my best friend.
14:09Nice talking to you.
14:17Yo, let's see.
14:20Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.
14:23I'm sorry.
14:24Who are you?
14:24Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.
14:28She's just filling in for Sam while he's off on some little sabbatical.
14:32Family business.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh, nothing serious.
14:36But excuse me.
14:37I gotta take a leak, a pee, a pit.
14:40I'm gonna use the little girl's room.
14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.
14:46Seymour, that girl needs a makeover.
14:53Yes, miss, what can I get you?
14:55Okay, um, let's see.
14:57A pint and a shot of whiskey, please.
14:59And, um, actually, can you give me the whiskey while you pull the pint?
15:02Certainly.
15:03Enjoy.
15:08You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink.
15:13A drink.
15:14Are you seri-
15:15Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?
15:17Hey, you don't have to get nasty.
15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.
15:21Maybe two.
15:22Okay, you know what?
15:23Barkeep.
15:24Here.
15:25Cancel the pint.
15:27Screw off, man.
15:29You're lost, baby.
15:37Oh.
15:38Let me just go.
15:49Get rid of whoever it is, all right?
15:55Yah.
15:57Yes.
15:58Jesus.
16:01Doc.
16:02Please, no.
16:03I'm bleeding.
16:05Now is not a good time.
16:07I have been hemorrhaging all night down there.
16:12You're menstruating.
16:12What?
16:13You're having your period.
16:15I'm riding the cotton pony!
16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize that office hours haven't begun?
16:22Doc.
16:23What am I gonna do?
16:24Buy yourself some tampons.
16:26Oh, my God.
16:27Okay, you need to leave right now.
16:29You need to, you need to get out of here.
16:30Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.
16:32Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?
16:33Oh!
16:34Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature talk to me like that.
16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe it.
16:40I can't believe it.
16:41I can't talk to me like that.
16:42Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on.
16:44Please, please.
16:45Do I have to throw you out myself?
16:47Oh.
16:48Try it.
16:48I do kickboxing.
16:50Chicks only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?
16:55Yeah?
16:56Yeah?
16:57Yeah?
16:57Stop it!
16:58Yeah?
16:58Stop!
16:58Stop!
16:59No!
16:59No!
17:04Stop!
17:04Stop me!
17:05No!
17:07All right!
17:07Enough!
17:09Enough!
17:10She started it!
17:12Sam, I think you better go.
17:16Sam?
17:17Did you just call her Sam?
17:19Samantha, she's Sam's cousin.
17:23Oh, okay.
17:24Well, this makes perfect sense.
17:25Shut up!
17:26Why doesn't she go?
17:27Because she is my fiancé and you are my patient.
17:34Don't ever do this.
17:35Okay.
17:36Wait, no.
17:37Can we just talk about this?
17:39Later.
17:39Wait, wait, wait.
17:40But later, later, or never later?
17:42Just go.
17:43Oh!
17:45Wait.
17:53Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
17:55Oh, and don't forget the pearls.
18:09You're Samantha.
18:11My 1.30.
18:12Yeah, no.
18:13No.
18:14No.
18:15I'm a...
18:17I'm a...
18:17I gotta go.
18:18Come here.
18:23Turn around.
18:23My studio tomorrow, 3 p.m., and let's do try to be on time now, shall we?
18:33Dear dear, put these on.
18:34Uh, yeah, man, listen, uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.
18:41I am here to teach you to be a girl.
18:45Well.
18:46What?
18:46Oh!
19:07Oh!
19:08Oh!
19:10Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:12Oh!
19:13Oh!
19:13Oh!
19:14Oh!
19:45All right, Mrs. Smith.
20:15Doc, please just hear me out.
20:19No.
20:20Doc, please.
20:23You have five minutes.
20:24I paid for an hour.
20:25I'll reimburse you.
20:26Four minutes, 50 seconds.
20:28Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?
20:32Well, I tried calling you.
20:34I've tried emailing you.
20:35It's been two weeks.
20:37I was hoping you'd get the message.
20:39What message?
20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened and totally screwed everything up.
20:47Do you think I was just going to forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?
20:51Doc, we're dudes.
20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.
20:58We are not dudes, Sam.
21:00Only one of us is a dude.
21:03That's the problem.
21:06That's always going to be the problem.
21:09Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?
21:12Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?
21:16Having this face staring back at me every morning?
21:19Okay, relax.
21:20It's not such a bad face.
21:23Maybe you could get used to it.
21:24No, Doc.
21:25No.
21:26I'm not going to get used to this.
21:27I don't want to live this life anymore.
21:30Hey, don't talk like that.
21:34You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so...
21:41I don't know.
21:42Maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.
21:46You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.
21:51You're serious?
21:52That's a heart attack.
21:53What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.
22:03How much more?
22:04We're talking about serious stuff.
22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.
22:08Major, major stuff.
22:11How major are we talking?
22:11How major are we talking?
22:23Are you sure you want to do this?
22:30Give it some time.
22:32Okay?
22:32Take a minute.
22:34How about we just...
22:37We'll get over and...
22:39Okay.
22:41Now let's just keep this between the two of us.
22:43Okay?
22:46Mom's the word, pal.
22:47You know, I'm...
22:51I'm starving.
22:53You want to grab a bite?
22:56In the minute...
22:56Um...
22:57I need you to explain something to me.
23:01The doctor is in?
23:03I, uh...
23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.
23:11You skipped your period.
23:13What?
23:14Oh, my God.
23:14No.
23:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:17No.
23:17I, um...
23:18You know, I look at girls, nothing.
23:20I look at guys, nothing.
23:22I look at porn, nothing.
23:24So what, am I frigid?
23:26Do I have some kind of mental problems?
23:27I mean...
23:29I don't know.
23:30I feel like a fucking female eunuch.
23:34What?
23:35What?
23:35A little louder.
23:36I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.
23:38Look.
23:40It's complex.
23:42Complex?
23:42You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.
23:46Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.
23:49Most can't.
23:50Yeah, but that's just plumbing.
23:52It takes them a little longer to warm up, but with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.
23:57Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.
24:01Their arousal is more subtle.
24:03It's more intricate.
24:05Which, translated from New Age cycle babble, means what?
24:08They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused.
24:12Let's face it.
24:13Women are complicated.
24:15Yeah.
24:16You're telling me.
24:16Oh, shoot.
24:22The office meeting got pushed up.
24:25I gotta go.
24:29No.
24:31What's wrong?
24:33Um, can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?
24:38Sure.
24:40Uh, remember to stay out of trouble.
24:44Promise.
24:46You look so nice, Samantha.
24:49Thanks, Margaret.
24:51So do you.
24:52Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.
24:54I punch up the graphics in the proposal.
24:56Added some extras.
24:57Wow.
25:01Nice work, Margaret.
25:04She's still tingling.
25:07Yeah.
25:09Feels like it just...
25:10Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.
25:12You look...
25:13Stunning.
25:15I mean, stunning.
25:18Come over here and sit next to Seymour.
25:20I'm fine.
25:21Right over here.
25:22Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our Internet campaign.
25:29Oh, yes.
25:31And before I begin, I would like to just say thank you to Margaret for all the wonderful work that she did on these reports.
25:40Now, as you can see from this chart, the models that we used on this season's online campaign scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44.
25:50And the numbers start to less...
25:52An excellent presentation, Sam.
25:54May I call you Sam?
25:56I prefer it, actually.
25:57We will be in touch about the details.
26:00I look forward to it.
26:02I think this calls for a little promotion.
26:05We'll go over the specifics in my office.
26:07Cocktails mandatory.
26:09How about we skip the cocktails and settle on a 20% raise?
26:13Huh?
26:14A raise!
26:15I think that's a capital idea.
26:17And a bonus, too.
26:18I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?
26:22I suppose we could do a bonus, but...
26:24Seymour, remember our little understanding, don't you?
26:29Oh, of course.
26:30Meow, baby.
26:31Oh!
26:36I think a raise this big deserves a hug!
26:39Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
26:45And another thing.
26:47That promotion, it's going to Margaret.
26:50Huh?
26:51She earned it.
26:53Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago,
26:55but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her.
26:58I don't know about that.
27:01I do.
27:02And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years.
27:08You would do that?
27:11Us girls have to stick together.
27:16Samantha.
27:17Hey, Margaret.
27:18You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting and to Mr. Cavallo.
27:23Actually, I did.
27:25I don't know how to thank you.
27:26Just keep doing what you're doing.
27:32Thanks again.
27:34Of course.
27:44That feels good, Sam.
27:49Sam?
27:49Sam?
27:49What is it, Susu?
27:57You just called me Sam.
28:01No, I didn't.
28:03Yes, you most certainly did.
28:05What the...
28:06What the hell is going on right now?
28:09What are you talking about?
28:12Is it that cousin of his?
28:13That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?
28:17She wasn't faking it.
28:18Oh, so now you're defending her?
28:20No, what?
28:21I...
28:21You're...
28:22That's not what I said.
28:23I...
28:23Oh, my God.
28:26Oh, my God, you're gay.
28:30What?
28:31That's it.
28:32I've been a perfect fool.
28:35You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back in all this time.
28:40I thought you were straight.
28:42Oh, my God.
28:43Oh, my God.
28:45I'm straight.
28:46Can we just talk this over?
28:49There's nothing to talk about.
28:51Goodbye.
28:56So, how bad a fight was it?
28:59I didn't say we had a fight.
29:01You didn't have to.
29:03You got that post-fight look.
29:06Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges.
29:08Sam, I don't want to talk about it.
29:11All right, fine, man.
29:12Suit yourself.
29:17Hey, dude.
29:19What about me?
29:21What about you?
29:22Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.
29:24Sam, we don't play tackle football with women.
29:28End of discussion.
29:29Dude, I still got the chops.
29:30He's close.
29:32Sexist pig.
29:33I heard that.
29:34Ready?
29:35Yeah, I think so.
29:36All right, guys.
29:37Let's play some football.
29:39Yeah, this is a chick.
29:41Her name's Samantha.
29:42She's Sam's cousin.
29:44Yeah, Steve.
29:45Sam's told me all about you, dude.
29:47Congratulations on the wedding, by the way.
29:49From what Sam tells me, you're getting quite a girl.
29:53Okay.
29:54Quite a girl.
29:55Are you kidding about playing?
29:57Yeah, she's kidding.
29:58No, no, she's not kidding.
30:00We're all great football players in my family, and believe me, guys, I know how to handle a ball.
30:07I'm sure you do.
30:08One play.
30:09No.
30:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:12Okay.
30:13Okay, let's let her play.
30:14One play.
30:15Come on.
30:15Let's go.
30:17Come on.
30:18Woo!
30:19Woo!
30:19I have to go to that Sam.
30:20Jeez!
30:23Sit.
30:23Go.
30:23You fucking Steve!
30:33You got off of me!
30:35Steve, stop grabbing my ass!
30:39Fuck her!
30:40Wait, what?
30:41Get off!
30:41Steve!
30:43Go!
30:44Save it for Georgette!
30:45What?
30:46You better shut this girl up!
30:47Yeah, I know how much she likes the ass, Clay.
30:49Relax.
30:50Relax.
30:50No, you know what?
30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia.
30:53Don't call her a bitch, Steve.
30:55Oh, she's a bitch.
30:57Okay, so now I'm a bitch.
30:58Oh, you're a grade-A bitch.
31:00I told you not to call her a bitch.
31:02Oh, sorry.
31:03Little bitch.
31:04Guys, guys, get off!
31:05Fucking ass!
31:06Come on!
31:07Guys, come on!
31:07Guys, come on!
31:07Take some shit!
31:08Relax!
31:09Come on, relax.
31:10Listen.
31:11Come on.
31:12We're all friends.
31:12Shake hands.
31:13Come on.
31:14Uh-huh.
31:15Come on.
31:16We're friends.
31:17Doc.
31:22Come on, man.
31:24It's okay.
31:24Let it go.
31:25No.
31:26It's not okay, all right?
31:29Nothing is okay.
31:32Doc.
31:33You were right.
31:34She left me.
31:36Are you happy now?
31:37Peace offering.
32:04Listen, Doc.
32:05Doc, um, I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want, then...
32:14Lately, I don't know what I want.
32:17I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.
32:22Well, at least you have balls.
32:26Oh, God.
32:30You're having a muscle spasm?
32:31No, it's fine.
32:32It's fine.
32:32I'll just take some aspirin.
32:34Who's the doctor here?
32:35Lay down.
32:35Come on.
32:40Turn over.
32:41Okay.
32:43Right there?
32:44Oh, God, yeah.
32:45How does that feel?
32:47Oh, much better.
32:56I, uh...
32:57I have to use the john.
32:59Oh.
33:00Oh, my God.
33:12Oh, my God.
33:14She's alive!
33:15Oh, my God.
33:16She's alive!
33:17You!
33:18Oh, my God.
33:31Oh, my God.
33:31You and I had a little talk.
33:32Uh, what would you like to talk about?
33:36The fact that you stole my man and I'd like him back.
33:42Decent men in this city are few and far between.
33:47Oh, you forgot rich.
33:51Women like me, okay?
33:54Successful career women.
33:56Women who think about tomorrow.
33:59Women who plan.
34:01Maybe five, ten years ahead in their life.
34:03We sometimes, we have to settle.
34:08Settle?
34:09Settle, or were you born yesterday?
34:12Actually, about a month ago.
34:13How much?
34:15What?
34:17You heard me.
34:18How much do you want to, uh, let him go?
34:22I'm sorry.
34:24Are you trying to buy me off?
34:28You're obviously the type.
34:30You know, I mean, if it walks like a duck.
34:34How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?
34:41Andrew.
34:41I, I, I'm, I'm so sorry.
34:51Just please.
34:52Please what?
34:53We are so done.
34:58Okay.
34:59All right, well, when you change your mind and you come begging, don't bother calling, okay?
35:09Because I'm changing my number.
35:10Change your hairstyle while you're at it.
35:12It's really not a good look on her, you know?
35:22Look, Doc, I would say that I'm sorry, but you know, I'm, I'm just, I'm just not.
35:27Huh?
35:31Please.
35:34You just did me the biggest favor of my life.
35:37Yeah?
35:39Were you really gonna belt her?
35:42Hell yeah.
35:43Spunky little thing, aren't you?
35:46In a manner of speaking?
35:54Damn.
35:55What?
35:56I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding.
35:59You're still going to that thing?
36:02You saw we shook.
36:04Well, I would go with you, only...
36:06You are going with me.
36:08Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that.
36:11Tough.
36:12We're a team.
36:15Package deal.
36:16Anybody who doesn't like it can shove it.
36:20I can't zip this thing up.
36:31What do you think?
36:33Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?
36:36I...
36:38Uh...
36:39Oh, hashtag glue.
36:41A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness.
36:44It's sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women.
36:47And hormonal overload in the men.
36:49Well, the straight ones at least.
36:51All the gay ones eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here.
36:54Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
36:56Oh, I'm not her boyfriend.
36:57They say rather loudly.
37:00So, Doc, what do you think?
37:01Is this the one?
37:04Yeah.
37:05It's good.
37:06It's fine.
37:07Write it up, Marie.
37:09Excellent choice.
37:10Thanks.
37:11What?
37:12Oh, nothing.
37:13I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding.
37:20Your what?
37:21The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention.
37:26Okay.
37:27For example, the stocking check.
37:33Oh, my goodness.
37:37Is that a run?
37:38How perfectly awful.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Works like a charm every time.
37:46But you gotta have the gams to back it up.
37:51Oh, my God.
37:53Sam, what's going on?
38:10What?
38:11Is everything all right?
38:14You're downstairs.
38:15Um, yeah.
38:16Uh, yeah, just come on up.
38:18Come on in.
38:24How's it going?
38:26Um, yeah.
38:27Good, good.
38:28Yeah, I think, um, probably.
38:32Probably.
38:33What's wrong?
38:34You know what?
38:35I'm sorry.
38:36I, um, I'm gonna go.
38:38This can, this isn't, this can wait.
38:40Oh, hey.
38:41Hold on.
38:42What's wrong?
38:43I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.
38:47What's going on?
38:49Well, it's, um, it's about the issue.
38:54The issue.
38:56Yeah.
38:58Uh, the issue.
38:59Oh.
39:00The issue.
39:01The...
39:02You're still having problems with the arousal thing.
39:04Oh, God.
39:05No, no.
39:06Actually, um, it's been fine.
39:09Uh, how fine?
39:10Like, um, you know, once a day?
39:13More.
39:16Two, three times a day?
39:19More than three times?
39:20Yeah.
39:21Per day.
39:22Yeah.
39:23How much more?
39:24Six.
39:28Today?
39:29Tonight.
39:30You know what, Doc?
39:31I'm so sorry.
39:32I'm really embarrassed.
39:33I think...
39:34Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
39:36Whoa, whoa, come on.
39:37It's fine.
39:38What's going on?
39:39I don't know.
39:40It's just that, you know, she's, um...
39:45She's being really specific about, about, um, who she wants.
39:50Like, if I, um, if I think of, um, this one person, she gets, like, really, really happy.
39:58And then if I think about anyone else, she gets, like, really cranky.
40:02So, uh, who's the lucky, uh...
40:11No!
40:12No!
40:13Fuck!
40:14Oh, fuck!
40:15No!
40:16Yeah, Doc, you know what?
40:17Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
40:18I'm so sorry.
40:19You know what?
40:20Just forget that I said anything.
40:21Oh, no, no.
40:22You know what?
40:23Just wait.
40:24Hold on.
40:25Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here, because you come in, and then you are
40:30honest with me, and what I do is I play 20 questions with you, and, um, that's not fair,
40:35because what you're dealing with is, uh, you're trying to compact, like, 30 years of female
40:41psychological development into a few early short months, and, and, um, I think that what
40:46you're gonna find is that, uh, in time, the sexual focus, uh, shifts, and it expands, and
40:54that, uh, there are techniques you can use, um, to, uh, uh, uh...
41:03I'm babbling.
41:04Yeah.
41:08Because I'm completely full of shit.
41:12Yeah.
41:14Sam!
41:18Buddy!
41:20We used to chase babes together!
41:22You know, we would, uh, we'd get hammered together.
41:25I can't help it.
41:26She won't listen to me.
41:30Time out.
41:33Time out.
41:34Let's, um, let's breathe.
41:39Oh, it's good.
41:40Right like that.
41:41We're gonna breathe.
41:43We had a moment, and, um, the moment passed.
41:47And we're fine.
41:48You're fine!
41:49I'm in heat!
41:51Sam!
41:52Oh, sit!
41:53Just...
41:54Why don't you sit?
41:55Why don't, um...
41:56Um...
41:57Yeah, uh, eat some chips.
42:00And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer.
42:03We're gonna get a beer, and we're gonna talk this out.
42:05Oh.
42:06Oh.
42:12Oh.
42:16Oh.
42:18That's nice.
42:20You...
42:21You know, we are gonna look back at this, and we're gonna...
42:25And we're gonna...
42:29Oh, God.
42:30You...
42:32Threw...
42:33So...
42:36Good.
42:40Um...
42:42That's...
42:43Those are, uh, it's just androgens.
42:46Those are pheromones, and it's a chemical...
42:48Uh-uh.
42:50Uh-uh.
42:51What?
42:56I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to...
43:01Cuddle.
43:03Ugh.
43:07Wow.
43:21Ye olde curiosity shop.
43:38Tonight at midnight...
43:40To make the choice.
43:51I don't care.
43:52I really need to.
43:53I'm getting the chance of leaving a needed challenge.
44:00The...
44:01I'm having to really love and get another chance for your kids.
44:03Be sure.
44:08Sound of opportunities.
44:09I'm helping you grow your kids.
44:11I've been happier when your kids come and I remember that they were passing as me.
44:14kräctulation!
44:15thanks doc thanks for coming and uh you're here it was a beautiful ceremony thank you
44:23so you're sam's cousin same blood runs through our veins i've heard a lot about you only good
44:31things right so uh how is sam doing anyway oh uh he's like a new person sort of feels like he's
44:41with us here in spirit well uh we don't want to hoard all of your time come on sam mantha let's
44:48go get a cocktail enjoy you know when i was a guy i used to do this for girls
44:55oh who am i kidding i don't think i've ever done this for a woman
45:01you know i think you've grown your own brand of chivalry
45:06thanks doc what's wrong sam you seem sad i noticed in the car on the way over
45:16let's just talk about it later okay
45:20you know what i think i think they might be playing our song
45:26we have a song we do now come on may i have this dance it does a bearish of course you may
45:39so what's it like
45:48what's what like being a woman it's like uh someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial
46:00which means um which means when i walk into a room i pretty much know what's going on with
46:12everybody whether they're happy or horny or sad or if they have a chance in hell of stealing you away
46:22from me anybody in here uh giving you any competition
46:28see that blonde over there by the punch bowl yeah well she'd have a shot at you
46:37if she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's rolex
46:40and if if you weren't totally smitten with me oh i'm smitten huh crazy in love
46:55wow you're good
47:00feeling's mutual by the way
47:10i know it's you
47:20sam
47:22but you're different
47:26good different
47:30no
47:31not good
47:34amazing
47:39when's the last time you kissed me like that
47:51tonight
47:53what do you have a hot date or something come on you're spoiling my after all
48:05i have to talk to you outside
48:08right now
48:11i need a favor
48:19anything
48:21can you drive me down to the village
48:24now
48:25what for
48:26do you trust me
48:28of course i trust you
48:30then just please don't ask any questions
48:32okay
48:34if that's the way you want it
48:36okay but we have to leave right now
48:39i need to be there by midnight
48:41doc
48:53no
48:54sam
48:55no
48:56Doc.
49:07No.
49:09Sam.
49:10No.
49:26No.
49:56No.
50:26No.
50:46The mademoiselle says key, I turn my head, it's me.
50:53Could it be true, or a turn of a screw, or just those birds and bees?
51:03The mademoiselle says key.
51:12The mademoiselle says key.
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51:15
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