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Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) - Full HD Movie Uncut
Transcript
00:00Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:40Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:29And always...
01:31Once upon a time there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Nottapini.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Nottapini was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for me.
02:02Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for me.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:05Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:12Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:20Eliza!
02:21Sweetheart!
02:22Yeah?
02:25Eliza!
02:27Well, farewell, daughter!
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just...
02:33I was going to just come and see you now.
02:35I'm getting ready to go on my long journey.
02:37I shall miss you, my father.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you a special gift of some kind
02:49and bring it back from the trip and things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:03Well, I just...
03:07But I'd like to give you whatever you desire.
03:10You know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you know.
03:18It's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll really try.
03:37Well, okay.
03:40Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, babe.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:52Yes, dear.
03:53There you go.
03:55There you go.
03:56You can shove that in there later, Father.
03:57Yes.
03:57Yes.
04:00Where's your hat?
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not politely.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:07Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:10Excuse me.
04:10Lyle, not a penny started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny.
04:43He had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
04:55Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:08I wonder if a friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a long
05:35and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:48You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:49As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:16We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump and to marry someone like our master, a handsome prince.
06:44But he isn't handsome, he's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:54You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:56I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:03I don't pay you six pence a week.
07:25My good woman.
07:51I'm a weary traveler who would see if he could stay here, get some lodging for after his long trip.
07:59Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me now.
08:02Who's at the door, Deborah?
08:04It's a weary traveler, of great body and charm, who wishes lodging for the evening.
08:11Do you play games?
08:14Well, a little. I'm not very good at it.
08:18Great. Enter my good man.
08:21I must warn you, uh...
08:27Oh, oh, the floor's slippery. There's danger here. No, uh...
08:32I'm going to have to work for my supper. It's... I'll chop some wood.
08:39No, I said, uh, expecting to get your name.
08:43Oh, I... Lyle, not a penny.
08:45Lyle, I must warn you. Master is very sensitive, and he has a short fuse. He mustn't gasp for some sort of evulsion when we first see his face.
08:57Why would I be so rude? My goodness, I mean, I'm not an old-for-shill-mannered peasant.
09:02Hello, I'm Lord Beastington, and you are?
09:07I'm...
09:07Holy shit, this is my mother of God!
09:10Mr. Lyle, holy shit, Jesus Christ, mother of God. Interesting name.
09:17Religious, yet, uh, decadent.
09:19Problem?
09:23Um...
09:24Too big, too big!
09:27Oh, really?
09:28You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.
09:32Hmm.
09:32Yes, uh...
09:34Here, let me see. Let me see.
09:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:39Not bad, not bad.
09:41Could use a little cleaning, and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.
09:47You know, most people think braces are for children, but I've worn them up until just recently.
09:55They've done wonders for my smile.
10:01Beautiful.
10:03Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.
10:06Yes, uh, I've got the crack of dawn, so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.
10:10What's the rush?
10:11Uh, what's the rush?
10:13We could have something...
10:14We could have something to eat.
10:18Something to eat.
10:21And maybe, perhaps you could join me in a game or two.
10:28Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
10:31What the fuck...
10:32Uh, sir?
10:40Sorry, uh...
10:41What again did you say this game was called, uh...
10:43Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker, and his brother.
10:48It's called Monopoly.
10:50Oh.
10:52Here we go.
10:52Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
10:58Castle
10:58That's 30 points for me
11:00Castle
11:01Sir
11:04Sire
11:05Is that not
11:06Quassel
11:07Just
11:08It's kind of like
11:11Quassel to me
11:12But
11:12No it's Castle
11:14Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
11:15Castle
11:16Castle
11:17Isn't Castle like
11:19Sea
11:20Sea
11:20Castle
11:21What's the matter
11:21Can't you see
11:22Castle
11:23Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
11:24Castle
11:25What's the matter
11:25You can't see
11:25No no
11:26I
11:26I
11:27I
11:27What's wrong with you
11:28Are you doubting my intelligence
11:30No I'm not
11:33No sir
11:34Of course not
11:35Sire
11:35Looks good to me
11:37Good
11:3730 points
11:38Castle
11:3840 points for you
11:3930 points
11:40It's enough
11:41Just what I get
11:41Here's your turn
11:43Yes sir
11:44Sire
11:44S-H-E-R
11:54W-O-O-D
11:56Sherwood
11:57Sherwood Forrest
11:58Just like Sherwood Forrest
11:59Uh
12:00I win again
12:02Uh
12:04But
12:05That's
12:05That's
12:06I don't think
12:07That's
12:07That's not a proper noun
12:08It's not
12:09It's a proper noun
12:12It's proper
12:12Sherwood Forrest
12:13Is proper
12:14What's the matter
12:14With you
12:14No no
12:15It's a word
12:15Yes
12:15It's a good word
12:16It's a word
12:17But
12:17The
12:18Capital letters
12:19For Forrest
12:20I'm Sherwood
12:21The capitals
12:23Look
12:24Capitals
12:24G
12:25Capital G
12:25There's a capital M here
12:28Right
12:28Is that a capital
12:29That's
12:29That's a capital
12:30Capital M
12:31Right
12:31Capital to me
12:32What's the matter
12:32With you
12:33Yeah
12:34Far be it from me
12:35But
12:36Something
12:37Not quite
12:38I don't understand you
12:40You're always complaining
12:41About when I make a word
12:43You shouldn't do that
12:43Yes
12:44Sherwood Forrest is a word
12:46What's the matter
12:46Just like a word
12:48I win
12:48Come on
12:48Did I tell you
12:50That I have
12:51A new set of thumbscrews
12:53Oh
12:54Looks good to me
12:56Yes
12:57I win again
12:59You win again
12:59That's right
13:00Stupid me
13:01Another mistake
13:02Well
13:04It's getting late
13:05I'm gonna have to give it up
13:07We're bad here
13:08Come on
13:09We can play another game
13:10It was over so fast
13:11Oh
13:12That's
13:12No
13:12You're just too good
13:13I'm losing everything
13:15Stupid me
13:16Make all these mistakes
13:17But you're improving
13:18Look
13:20You got wife here
13:20Yeah
13:21I got wife
13:22Well
13:23I think I should just
13:25Leave it at that
13:26You know
13:26And take off to bed
13:27I'm not so good
13:28I sort of warned you before
13:29I'm not really good
13:30At games
13:31And you're really good
13:32Boy
13:33I'll tell you
13:33You're the best
13:34I've ever run across
13:35All right
13:36All right
13:36Mr. Holy Spirit
13:38Jesus Christ
13:38Mother of God
13:39I'll join you for breakfast
13:42At dawn
13:42On a very early riser
13:44Oh good
13:46Lord Beast
13:47Tomorrow
13:48Tomorrow
13:50Sure wouldn't work
13:56It's crazy
13:57Yeah it's crazy
13:59That guy is ugly
14:05How the hell am I ever gonna get to sleep
14:09Oh
14:10Hades
14:12Hades
14:13Hades
14:13Hades
14:13Oh
14:14Up walking all day long
14:18Trying to sell leeches
14:19Doesn't do a bit of good
14:20Nobody wants leeches
14:21In this day and time
14:22Oh
14:23I gotta think of something
14:26Beautiful
14:27I don't wanna have nightmares
14:28All night long
14:29Nightmares
14:30I hate nightmares
14:30Think of being shish kebab
14:33By unicorns
14:34Oh
14:34Gremlins
14:36I know
14:38I'll think of my daughter beauty
14:42No
14:44This time of night
14:46I better not think of beauty
14:47It's
14:48I know
14:49I'll think of the queen
14:52She's a little high there maybe
14:56I know
14:59I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon
15:02After the tennis
15:04I was happy to be leaving
15:06That ugly baron's domain
15:08Goodbye Lord Beast
15:10Beastingsland
15:10Thanks a lot
15:12You won't regret taking those leeches off my hand
15:17They're good steel
15:18As Lion was about to leave the grounds of Beastland
15:29He passed a rose bush
15:31Filled with beautiful pink roses
15:33Remembering the request of his daughter beauty
15:36He plucked one of the roses
15:38Hey
15:45Hey
15:47Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
15:51Well I just thought it was
15:52You know
15:53I give you room and board
15:54My maid bucks your brains out
15:56When you steal a rose from me
15:58I should put you in my dungeon
16:00Give you a good thrashing
16:01Well I meant no harm
16:02It's just that my beautiful
16:04Beautyist daughter beauty asked
16:05That I bring her a rose
16:07A little
16:07Nice little rose
16:08And I can't give my daughter
16:10The finer things in life
16:12Very well
16:14Very well
16:14I'll not thrash you
16:15You're a beautiful human being
16:18You know
16:19Unconditioned
16:20That the beautiful daughter beauty
16:22Visit my home for a few days
16:24Beauty is fine and delicate
16:28I'm afraid that she would be
16:29Maybe a little afraid
16:31You understand
16:32Did I mention to you
16:39That I have snakes in my dungeon?
16:43Beauty will be right over
16:44Take the first ox cart down
16:45I'll send it right over
16:46Alright good
16:47And if you don't make good on your promise
16:49I'll find it
16:52Yes sir
16:53Have a nice day
16:58Dodgers I've returned
17:06Oh father
17:08Father
17:08I have missed you so
17:10Beauty
17:10Look what I have brought you
17:14Oh it's so beautiful
17:17Smell it
17:19Where is Eliza?
17:23Well where else?
17:24Oh
17:24Sit down beauty
17:36Can we talk?
17:45Of course
17:46You know that
17:48That really beautiful rose
17:50That I brought back for you
17:51Yes
17:52Yeah
17:52Well
17:53It wasn't exactly free
17:56You see I got a little bit tired
17:57On the trip
17:58And I took this break
17:59And stayed at this mansion
18:00Lyle explained everything
18:02Well almost everything
18:04About the house
18:05The hideous Lord Beesland
18:07And so forth
18:09But since you know all that
18:11We thought you might want to know
18:13What's going on in Eliza's room
18:14And so would I
18:18But it's only going to be a couple of days
18:22A couple of days sweetheart
18:24Sounds awful
18:26He sounds terrible
18:27Papa
18:27Please don't make me do it
18:29Father
18:30Did you bring me any gifts?
18:33Uh
18:34I'm afraid
18:36Your daughter
18:37I
18:37Didn't
18:39My trip wasn't too bound to fall
18:40It was
18:41You wiener
18:42What's the matter
18:45With little Miss Muffet?
18:47It's terrible
18:48A wealthy baron
18:49Insists that I
18:50Come and spend a few days
18:52At his house
18:52Because father picked one of his roses
18:54For me
18:56Rich baron
18:58What are we waiting for?
19:01Uh
19:01Well I'm afraid he only
19:02Requested beauty
19:03Do you know the psychological damage
19:05That you do to me
19:06When you favor her all the time?
19:08You don't understand
19:09This
19:10This baron is an extremely
19:11Ugly hideous guy
19:13Hey he's rich
19:15I mean how bad can he be?
19:17Hmm
19:17Q-U-A
19:18That's the L-E
19:19Castle
19:20I don't understand
19:20He said classic
19:21Where do you get classic from?
19:23I don't understand
19:23Very strange man
19:25Nice man
19:26I don't understand
19:27I don't understand
19:27I don't understand
19:28I don't understand
19:28I don't understand
19:29Jesus H. Christ
19:37Son of a bitch
19:39Art you have a different name
19:40From your father
19:41Perhaps you'd like to
19:43Freshen up
19:44Before
19:44Before
19:46Before
19:48Dinner
19:50Dinner
19:52I'll take you to your room
19:54The beast was immediately charmed
19:56By the virginal beauty
19:57Eliza of course
19:59Was quite jealous
20:00My dear
20:04Tell me
20:10Do you know anything about
20:12Monopoly?
20:15Come
20:15I'll show you
20:16I'll show you
20:17I'll show you
20:17It's very easy
20:22It's a game with words
20:24See
20:25Spell words
20:27What's a quassel?
20:30What do you mean quassel?
20:31It's castle
20:32Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
20:33Castle
20:34What's the matter to you?
20:35You're just like your father
20:36Meat
20:40My favorite
20:41My favorite
20:41My favorite
20:43My favorite
20:43My favorite
20:44My favorite
20:45My favorite
20:46My favorite
20:47My favorite
20:48My favorite
20:49My favorite
20:50My favorite
20:51My favorite
20:52My favorite
20:53My favorite
20:54My favorite
20:55My favorite
20:56My favorite
20:57My favorite
20:58My favorite
20:59My favorite
21:00My favorite
21:01My favorite
21:02My favorite
21:03My favorite
21:04My favorite
21:05My favorite
21:06My favorite
21:07My favorite
21:08My favorite
21:09Oh yeah, no, no, I can't eat sweets.
21:33It's alright.
21:34You know, be gone, be gone.
21:40Ah, beauty.
21:44Why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?
21:50As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:57I was speaking only to beauty.
22:00You may retire for the evening.
22:04Ah, beauty.
22:14It's often said that beauty is only skin deep.
22:17But ugliness goes to the back.
22:20Do you believe that?
22:22Certainly not.
22:24I have so much love and passion inside me.
22:28But my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
22:32That's very sad.
22:34People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal.
22:40Yeah.
22:41Yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:46And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things.
22:58People.
22:59Birds.
23:00Are you finished?
23:01No.
23:02Quite.
23:03I agree with you.
23:04You agree with me.
23:05Oh, beauty.
23:06Oh, beauty.
23:07So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak
23:13to me.
23:14It's you.
23:15You're different.
23:16Beauty, could you...
23:17Could you find it in your heart, too?
23:18Make love to me.
23:19Oh, no.
23:20Wait a minute.
23:21Oh, please, beauty.
23:22Please.
23:23I would be so grateful.
23:24Listen, I'm...
23:25I'm nice and I'm empathetic and...
23:26And you know all that, but...
23:27I'm sorry.
23:28I...
23:29I just...
23:30I can't.
23:31I'm sorry.
23:32I'm sorry.
23:33I'm sorry.
23:34I'm sorry.
23:35I'm sorry.
23:36I'm sorry.
23:37I'm sorry.
23:38I'm sorry.
23:39I'm sorry.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:41I'm sorry.
23:42I'm sorry.
23:43I was wrong.
23:44Let's...
23:46Let's enjoy the fire and the heat.
24:14Why does that bitch have all the luck?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:29Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:33Well, of course.
24:35Who are you?
24:38Just as I said.
24:40The master's my father.
24:42Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.
24:45Lucky for you.
24:47You know, you really are quite attractive.
24:52Much more than your sister.
24:54Well...
24:56You sure not have to say the right things.
24:59Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:06Not only that.
25:11I believe in...
25:12You think he might not come?
25:14Constantly.
25:16Hmm.
25:17Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of us?
25:20Men are such great treasures.
25:27No, they aren't.
25:29I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs.
25:33But most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:42They're not smooth and silky.
25:47Or curvaceous.
25:50And slick.
25:54Or supple.
25:57And round.
26:00Understanding.
26:03Giving.
26:06I mean...
26:07Man doesn't even...
26:09Farewell, Lord Beastie.
26:11You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty.
26:19Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.
26:25Just one brief moment of love-making.
26:28Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life, and give anything your heart deserves.
26:33Anything.
26:38Lord Beastie, you are so charming, and brilliant, and witty, but...
26:44I'm sorry.
26:45I cannot.
26:47Oh, no!
26:49Oh, no!
26:50Why me?
26:51What's the matter with him?
26:54Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
26:58No.
26:59He's offered to marry me, and take care of me for the rest of my life, and bestow great riches upon me.
27:05If only I would make love to him.
27:08And I refused.
27:09Why you?
27:13Why you?
27:14Why you?
27:16There, there, Lord Beastie.
27:18There, there.
27:19I'll take love to you.
27:21That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about the...
27:25taking care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:28Oh, my daughters, you returned safely.
27:34Oh.
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes.
27:39They're all waiting for you now.
27:41Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, uh, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck, uh, called.
27:47They'll, uh, be a little bit late from, uh, Sherwood Forest, but, uh, little John and Maid Marian, they're, uh...
27:53Wow!
27:59What is wrong, my dear?
28:02Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:07Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
28:11But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it, and he would talk.
28:23You must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25I did.
28:28Well, then why aren't they, uh, melancholy, my dearest?
28:31I'm not sure.
28:33I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:36Ah!
28:37Jesus!
28:38Eight Christ!
28:39You're right to turn him down.
28:40You'd regret it the rest of your life if you did.
28:42But don't you see?
28:43I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:05But I cared for him.
29:06I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:09Don't you see?
29:10He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true.
29:14Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:24I'm fine, Ed.
29:25But if you'd fall in love, and if you'd be a Mary, and...
29:29Would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly?
29:33A kid.
29:35So Beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington!
29:49You, here I...
29:51Beauty, you've returned.
29:52Yes, I've returned my life.
29:55Oh, you have.
29:57But...
29:58Why?
30:03Oh, Beauty.
30:06May I undress you?
30:10Oh...
30:12Let me do it.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:21Yes.
30:23Oh, my God.
30:24It worked.
30:25It worked.
30:26Beauty.
30:28I love you.
30:30You're so...
30:32You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:37You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch, and it could only be removed if a beautiful and kind woman who really and truly cared for me made love to me.
30:55It's remarkable.
30:56It's remarkable.
30:57It's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny pays off.
31:05It pays off.
31:06Absolutely.
31:07It pays off.
31:08Absolutely.
31:10Beauty.
31:12Will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:15Oh, yes.
31:16Well, here we are.
31:17This is my grade school.
31:18PS 48.
31:19Charlie.
31:20Charlie.
31:21Charlie.
31:22And over here, this is my father.
31:23I see the resemblance.
31:24And over here, is my pen's eye.
31:25Hmm.
31:26Here we are.
31:27Here we are.
31:28This is my grade school.
31:29PS 48.
31:30Charlie.
31:31And over here, this is my father.
31:44I see the resemblance.
31:46And over here, is my pen's eye.
31:49Hmm.
31:51hmm
31:53there
31:57my window
31:59what a pain
32:01why didn't i ever think of fucking him
32:03it was a beast
32:07oh my good woman
32:21have you a room for a wealthy adventurer
32:25upon whom a witch has cast
32:27a horrible spell
32:29right this way
32:31yes yes
32:37oh my very own beast
32:39wait
32:41i can't get this mask off
32:43help me please
32:45please
32:47please
32:49please
32:51that's wrong
32:53and there you have it my children
32:55everyone came
32:57or at least almost everyone
32:59in my
33:01eyes
33:03you're beautiful
33:04to me
33:05oh
33:07oh
33:09oh
33:11oh
33:13oh
33:15oh
33:17oh
33:19oh
33:21oh
33:22oh
33:23oh
33:25oh
33:26oh
33:27oh
33:28oh
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