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00:00My first movie, and I'm playing two dual roles, and I mean, it's really cool.
00:10Enter Lindsay Lohan, a Long Island 6th grader who beat out thousands of other hopefuls to make her movie debut.
00:16America is in love with Lindsay Lohan. Her latest movie, Mean Girls, is a smash.
00:21And the winner for Breakthrough Female is...
00:23Lindsay Lohan.
00:25One of the most famous women in Hollywood. She's known as Lilo, two of her friends.
00:29Please welcome Lindsay Lohan.
00:31By age 30, she wants to find true love, have a house to call home, and win an Oscar.
00:35See, that's a lot of pressure.
00:38One of the most popular hot young stars in Hollywood, now in hot water with her boss.
00:43She's out and about every night in this city.
00:45She's partying too much, and it's affecting her work.
00:50A 20-year-old star checked into rehab on Wednesday.
00:52Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning.
00:55She was ultimately placed under arrest for driving the vehicle under the influence of alcohol.
00:58Two DUI cocaine possession.
01:01Maybe she's got a real problem.
01:02So there's alcohol and cocaine.
01:04That's 90 days in jail.
01:06Lindsay Lohan hauled off to jail.
01:08The girl is always in trouble.
01:09She's been fired from her latest movie.
01:11The party's over for the party girl.
01:12Lindsay Lohan is free this morning after posting $40,000 bail.
01:16Those just aren't getting better for Lindsay Lohan.
01:18Ordered back to jail.
01:19These new allegations could be a major setback.
01:22You're no different than anyone else.
01:24So please don't push your luck.
01:28All eyes are watching her now that she's out of rehab.
01:31Nobody has been given more second chances than this girl.
01:34I think this is going to be the perfect comeback for her.
01:36She's doing this Oprah sit-down.
01:37I'm dying to see her be completely candid.
01:43Okay.
01:44So you and I just spoke a few minutes ago and off camera to try to clarify what our intentions
01:53are for this conversation.
01:54And you said...
01:57My intention is to just, you know, be me.
02:00Have an open conversation that's about your truth.
02:07Right.
02:07And I'm here to help facilitate that.
02:10Well, so you've been out now, what, four days?
02:12Yeah.
02:12Four days out of rehab.
02:14So let me start by asking, how are you feeling?
02:17I feel really good.
02:19It's, you know, it's strange being confined for three months straight.
02:25And then kind of trying to acclimate back into my real life or just daily life in general.
02:32I was in California, so now I just came out here.
02:35But you're confined in a very beautiful place.
02:37No, yes, of course.
02:38Yeah, yeah.
02:39I mean, I was at Betty Ford for about a month and then moved over to Malibu.
02:43And what's it like being confined in rehab?
02:49Um, I mean, Malibu, the nice thing was is that we did go out and have hikes.
02:55So that's nice to kind of have, you get to go off-site so you're not just in the same place.
02:59Because it could, you know, it's really safe there and it tends to become a bubble.
03:03So according to reports, this was your sixth time in rehab.
03:07First in 2007 at the Wonderland Center.
03:10It was 30 days.
03:11Right.
03:12And when you went there?
03:15That was all me.
03:16That was all you.
03:17Yeah, I wanted to go there.
03:19It was actually, I tried Ambien at the time.
03:21And it was really scary.
03:23Was it an Ambien addiction?
03:25It wasn't an addiction.
03:26It was just a scare.
03:27It was, I'd taken it for about a month at that time.
03:30Uh-huh.
03:31And I didn't know the side effects.
03:32Okay.
03:33So Ambien is what a lot of people use just to try to help them get to sleep.
03:36Yeah.
03:37And then three months later that same year, 45 days at the Promises Center.
03:41Was that voluntary?
03:42That was court-ordered.
03:43After you had done?
03:45After I had my first DUI.
03:47My first DUI, yeah.
03:47Um, and I was, yeah, I was really terrified.
03:52I didn't know what to expect.
03:54Um, I didn't know how long I was going to have to be there.
03:56It was summer.
03:57I felt like I was going to be missing out.
03:59Uh-huh.
04:00Um, and I think that was a lot of what I went through for a bit of time.
04:03Resentment that you were there.
04:05Resentment that I was there, that it wasn't my choice.
04:08Yes.
04:08That I wasn't in control.
04:09Okay, so back in for the third time the same year, August 2007, at Cirque Lodge in Utah.
04:15That was court-order two.
04:16Why were you sent there?
04:17Well, what happened was after Promises, I got out, and I got a second DUI within two months of leaving.
04:25Then the discussion was with the court, she's going to have to go back into treatment.
04:28Uh-huh.
04:29Um.
04:29So you were drinking and driving?
04:31Yeah.
04:31Uh-huh.
04:31Because I didn't take Promises seriously.
04:34You know, there are moments where you, at that age for me,
04:38I related on and off, but I didn't see, I didn't really acknowledge that there could be an issue, there would be.
04:46Um, I was like, I just turned 21, I want to be able to have fun, and so I did the same thing again.
04:51Mm-hmm.
04:52You know, it's like the definition of insanity, doing the same things over and over.
04:56And expecting a different result.
04:58Okay.
04:58So then in July of 2010, two weeks in jail, and then rehab in August at UCLA Medical Center,
05:06and then in September, Betty Ford.
05:07What was it like in July of 2010, hearing that you were going to go to jail?
05:14Terrifying.
05:17On July 6, 2010, Lindsay appeared in court for violating probation after missing alcohol counseling sessions.
05:26She claimed she had permission to skip the classes because of her work schedule.
05:30I did do everything that I was told to do and did the best I could to, you know, balance jobs and showing up.
05:39I'm sorry.
05:40It's just been such a long haul, and I don't want, I don't want you to think that I don't respect you and your terms,
05:48because I really did think that I was doing what I was supposed to do, and I mean that with all my heart.
05:53The judge sentenced her to 90 days in jail.
05:59Do you understand and set the terms and conditions of your probation?
06:04Yes.
06:04Due to jail overcrowding, she served just two weeks.
06:07Did you think that you would go, or did you think it would be yet another assignment to some rehab?
06:13Um, I had been court-ordered to a certain amount of driving classes that I had to complete,
06:19and I moved the ones that I was doing because it was a far drive, there was something with that,
06:24and then I went away to India.
06:26I did a documentary on trafficking of children,
06:28and so I was starting to find myself in a really good place.
06:33Um, and then when I got back from India, it was, it hit me that I still had to go to court,
06:40and all of this was still going on, and, um, my mom's brother, one of my uncles, had passed away.
06:44Um, so I was just, everything was just hitting me at once.
06:48And, you know, the discussion was, I was sitting with Sean,
06:53and we were talking about, are we going to fight this?
06:56Are we going to take it to trial, or are we going to...
06:58And part of my decision was, at that point, I, I strangely, you know,
07:07being in my addiction and everything, and having all the chaos around me that I was so comfortable with,
07:15I, I somewhere inside knew and kind of wanted to go to jail.
07:22You subconsciously, yeah, I hear that, I hear that.
07:25Um, and I think that that was subconsciously being put out there by me, just by my actions.
07:30Why?
07:30Or lack thereof.
07:31Why?
07:32Was it a cry for help?
07:33I think it was just to find some peace.
07:37Really?
07:39And just have no choice but to just sit and be.
07:43Mm-hmm.
07:43Um, and I was, uh, I'll never forget that moment.
07:47How desperate is that, that going to jail feels like peace?
07:50Yeah.
07:51Yeah.
07:51It's terrifying.
07:53Mm-hmm.
07:54Um, and just seeing, excuse me, my mom and my sister's face in that courtroom,
08:04and my dad was just heartbreaking.
08:07It was horrible.
08:09What were you feeling when you saw it?
08:10I just remember this rush of heat coming over me and just not knowing what to expect.
08:16Were you feeling embarrassed?
08:20Were you feeling ashamed?
08:21Were you feeling that you had disappointed them?
08:24Were you feeling sorry for them or sorry for yourself?
08:27Um, them and everyone in my life.
08:30Mm-hmm.
08:31The people that work with me, that have been with me for years.
08:33Mm-hmm.
08:34Definitely lots of shame, tons of guilt.
08:38Um, embarrassment, yeah.
08:40Mm-hmm.
08:40I don't think the embarrassment was, you know, as prominent as this, as the shame and the guilt.
08:46Mm-hmm.
08:47I think that definitely played a bigger role.
08:49Mm-hmm.
08:50And then May of this year, Betty Ford again, and then you move yourself to Cliffside.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Yeah.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Why were you assigned again?
08:59What happened again?
09:02This time, we, this wasn't as much of, of being assigned, I don't think, this time.
09:07What was it?
09:08This was more me sitting with Sean and talking to her.
09:11And it's always such a circus when I go to court.
09:13It's just so humiliating.
09:14Mm-hmm.
09:15And it just, it's just yet another situation where it just draws the focus back to me being
09:20just this celebrity that's troubled.
09:22Yeah.
09:22And it makes me so frustrated.
09:26And I was just, I think I've just hit, I'm just, I was, just hit a wall, just tired.
09:31Mm-hmm.
09:32When I spoke to Sean, I had said, I think the best option is for me to go to treatment
09:38and take these three months to really just take care of myself and find myself and...
09:44Tell the world who Sean is.
09:46Sean Holly is my attorney.
09:48She's family to me.
09:49She's been through a lot with me.
09:51And she's stood by me.
09:52And, um, I just love her.
09:55She's, and she has such a great spirit.
09:57And she really cares about me.
09:58And she just wants the best for me.
10:00Mm-hmm.
10:01What is your drug of choice or drugs of choice?
10:10So what I'm telling you is you need to follow the laws just like everybody else.
10:15Look around this room.
10:17Everyone in this room has to follow the law.
10:20You're no different than anyone else.
10:23So please don't push your luck.
10:33So rehab for you is, uh, an opportunity to do what?
10:38This time, the other times it was more, you know, it tended to be a punishment.
10:46Right.
10:47Um.
10:47Because I was going to ask you, when it's court ordered, how could it have any effect if you are
10:52the whole time, particularly your first time at Promises, you said, if the entire time you're
10:57in resistance, you're pushing against it?
10:59Well, I don't think in the past I've ever fully surrendered to the fact that I just need to
11:04shut up and listen.
11:06In this case, I wasn't fighting at all.
11:12I wasn't.
11:13I just let go and was able to just be like, okay, you know, you probably do know what's
11:19best.
11:20Yeah.
11:20Because my best idea of doing what I think has not worked for me in the past.
11:24So this is the first time you can say that you surrendered to the process.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Yeah.
11:31What else is different about this time in rehab versus all the other times?
11:37I came into it just really willing, really craving more spirituality, um, really open
11:50and ready to get really honest.
11:53Um.
11:54And neither time have you been before?
11:56No, I was always guarded.
11:57Would you say you were in denial before?
11:59A little bit.
12:00Mm-hmm.
12:01Definitely in the beginning.
12:02Mm-hmm.
12:03Absolutely.
12:04Um.
12:05So what is it you are?
12:06And the fear of, like, not being able to, well, that means I can't go out and have a
12:11drink with my friends ever again.
12:13Mm-hmm.
12:13Um, and it's not about that.
12:15I think that all I can do is live in each moment and take every moment as it comes.
12:20Yeah.
12:21And live, as cliche as it might sound, like, one day at a time.
12:24I think that's, I don't have control over tomorrow.
12:27Yeah.
12:28What did you learn this time about yourself that you did not know before?
12:32I think just learning how to ground myself and to know that I don't need, I don't need
12:41to go to outside things or outside, you know, places or substances to feel anything.
12:49Mm-hmm.
12:50It's all here.
12:53Are you an addict?
12:54Yeah.
12:55And what is it you are addicted to?
12:58What is, what is your drug of choice or drugs of choice?
13:01Alcohol.
13:02Alcohol.
13:03Yeah.
13:04Because that's, and that's, that in the past was a gateway to other things for me.
13:09Um.
13:09Other things like?
13:10I'd never abused, I'd tried cocaine with alcohol.
13:12Mm-hmm.
13:13And I'd never done those things without cocaine.
13:14That's when you were arrested the first time, correct?
13:16Yeah, possession, I had it.
13:17Yeah, possession, yes.
13:18Um.
13:19And then I read that you'd said that you really hadn't done cocaine but three or four times.
13:23I really hadn't done it.
13:25I really haven't done it more than 10 to 15 times.
13:28Of course I said three or four.
13:29I was terrified of judging, being judged.
13:31Mm-hmm.
13:32Um.
13:33So what is the truth?
13:34I've done it like 10 to 15 times.
13:36Um, and it's always, it's always, everything's come.
13:40Do you enjoy doing it?
13:41No.
13:41No.
13:42So why do you do it?
13:43The next day.
13:43Why do you do it?
13:44Because it allowed me to drink more.
13:46I think that's why I did it.
13:48When I did it.
13:48And it was like a party thing.
13:50Like, people would have it and I would do it.
13:52And, and it wasn't something that.
13:54So were you snorted, injected, smoked it?
13:57Oh my, yeah, no, I snorted it.
13:59Snorted, yeah.
13:59I've never injected anything other than getting B12 shots.
14:02Okay.
14:04But, yeah.
14:06It went, it went hand in hand with drinking.
14:08Mm-hmm.
14:09And partying.
14:10Yeah.
14:10Mm-hmm.
14:11So is, the addiction is to alcohol.
14:15And alcohol is always the symptom.
14:17Being an alcoholic is all, I know it's a disease.
14:19I've done hundreds of shows about it.
14:21But it's always a symptom of something else that's going wrong in your life that needs healing.
14:26Because you're using that to cover up or to repress.
14:31So are you now ready at this time in your life
14:35to heal whatever it is that's kept you from being who you need to be?
14:42That's what I've been doing for the past few months.
14:45And it's a process.
14:47And I continue to do it every day, which is just, a lot of stuff went on when I was young
14:53with my family.
14:54And I grew up in a very chaotic home.
14:56And there were moments of everything just being wonderful and perfect.
14:59And then things being so uncontrollable and chaotic that, you know, it's something that
15:09people go through.
15:10And unfortunately, I waited too long to face it, even though I've been going to see a therapist
15:14for years and years.
15:15I was going to ask you this.
15:17As you were talking about going back, you know, the six times that you've been to rehab
15:22and all of the dysfunction around you and chaos, do you think you are or were addicted to chaos?
15:31I think so.
15:32Yeah.
15:33Really?
15:33It was a comfortable chaos for me.
15:36So what was chaotic to some other people from the outside looking in was normal.
15:39You know, that was without it.
15:44And there's something to be said about me learning to be comfortable with things just being okay.
15:50Yeah.
15:50What's going to be different this time?
15:54I'm not taking Adderall.
15:56That's a big deal.
15:59Adderall is a prescription drug used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD.
16:06It's a stimulant in the same addictive category as cocaine and morphine.
16:11The drug is reportedly abused by students and young celebrities who believe it helps them
16:16lose weight and stay awake for long periods of time.
16:20Were you addicted to Adderall?
16:23Yes, because that's all I knew.
16:26You know, I was convinced that it did ground me, but I noticed how much calmer I am.
16:31Without it?
16:32Yeah.
16:32Which I, it did calm me before, because I am very hyperactive.
16:36Were you taking it to be calm?
16:37A lot of, I heard a lot of women take it to, to keep, to keep themselves from eating.
16:41Yeah, that didn't happen to me.
16:43I could go to sleep.
16:44I could eat on it.
16:45I wasn't, it wasn't like that for me.
16:46I know a lot of people that do that as well.
16:48So you were taking Adderall for ADD?
16:51Yeah.
16:51Yeah.
16:52But the more that I've spent time working on just myself with no other, I don't need it.
17:00I don't.
17:01So what are you on now?
17:03Vitamins.
17:04You're on just vitamins now?
17:06Yeah.
17:06You're not on any prescription drug?
17:09No.
17:09No.
17:09I take Nexium, because I have acid reflux.
17:14And so, when you say you're ready, and you're looking for more spirituality in your life,
17:20you're ready to do what?
17:22To get the thing that keeps, you know, has made me the happiest my whole life back,
17:30which is just, you know, work really hard and stay focused and prove myself in the way
17:36that I, that I did before in the past and that I lost.
17:39You know, I have to regain the trust of people in my career that have their doubts.
17:43And I, and I fully respect that on their behalf.
17:46What does it feel like to you to be both an adjective and a verb for bad behavior and
17:54child star gone wrong?
17:55What does that personally make you feel?
17:59Um, I hate that.
18:01Come on, there you go, Lindsay, way to go.
18:04I hate that.
18:05I hate that label and that title.
18:07And that's not what I ever aspire to be.
18:10And it's not what I want in my life.
18:12Do you think you can turn it around?
18:14Yeah.
18:15Yes.
18:16As long as I stay honest with myself and just do the work that I'm willing to do and
18:23have been willing to do and am doing, then there's nothing that can stand in my way of
18:29that.
18:29I'm my own worst enemy and I know that and I've been.
18:34I cannot imagine what it would be like to have $7 million per picture and you're 18 years
18:42old.
18:42Did you lose your mind?
18:43And now, an exclusive moment from Oprah's next chapter, brought to you by Chevrolet.
18:53Had you always wanted to be in film?
18:55Did you want that?
18:56Yeah.
18:57From putting on shows for my dolls and watching, you know, Marilyn Monroe movies and Judy Garland
19:02movies and such with my grandmother.
19:03I always loved being in front of a camera or in front of people.
19:08Um, which can go both ways if you're not cautious of it.
19:12Yeah.
19:13Yeah.
19:13This exclusive moment has been brought to you by Chevrolet.
19:16Find new roads.
19:17What's your take on your life and how you got to be in this position six times out of rehab?
19:39Where did you first start to go off track, do you think?
19:42When I moved to L.A., which was around, like, around Mean Girls after Mean Girls after filming
19:47that, I think it was just, I had a moment where I could just kind of, where I wasn't working.
19:53How old were you?
19:5417, 18.
19:55And your mom let you move by yourself?
19:57No.
19:57She didn't want me to.
19:58Mm-hmm.
19:59Um, and I was stubborn.
20:01Mm-hmm.
20:02As 18-year-olds can be sometimes.
20:03Mm-hmm.
20:04And I was around people just to have people around so I wasn't lonely.
20:10Mm-hmm.
20:10And I didn't recognize what, I didn't, you know, pay close enough attention to what was going on.
20:16What was going on?
20:18Just people around for the wrong reasons.
20:21Yeah, hangers on.
20:22Yeah.
20:22Yeah, because by that time, were you, yes, by the time Mean Girls, you were a movie star.
20:28At just 19 years old, Lindsay's five films, including The Parent Trap.
20:33Mind-boggling.
20:35Freaky Friday and Herbie Fully Loaded had earned more than half a billion dollars at the box office.
20:42How much money were you making?
20:45Too much.
20:46Yeah, I read that you're making seven million a picture.
20:48Yeah, that was for just my luck, yeah.
20:50Yeah.
20:50And I wasted so much money.
20:53I was living at a hotel, and I had an apartment.
20:56I wasn't really being guided.
20:58Yeah.
20:58Who was there to help you when you started making bucket loads of money?
21:05No one, really, when I think about it.
21:07How did you know how to handle things?
21:10I didn't think about it.
21:12So.
21:12I didn't know.
21:13Let's go back to Parent Trap.
21:15You were phenomenal in that movie.
21:18And all the critics said so.
21:20And you were the darling child.
21:23Are you sure I'm Annie?
21:24Well, of course I'm sure.
21:26But it's kind of hard to be 100% positive, isn't it?
21:29So you auditioned at 10, and by the time the movie came out and we saw you, you were...
21:3412.
21:3412 years old.
21:35Yeah.
21:3512 years old.
21:36And I've read that that was the happiest day of your life.
21:40Oh, yeah.
21:41Getting into that film.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Okay.
21:42So let's track this.
21:44So you're 12 years old.
21:45Parent Trap comes out.
21:47You're an instant star.
21:48And then you have movie after movie.
21:51And then Mean Girls.
21:52And then, wow, you blow up.
21:54Mm-hmm.
21:55And now you're getting $7 million per picture.
21:59I cannot imagine what it would be like to have $7 million per picture and you're 18 years old.
22:07Ask Chanel and Maxfield in hotels.
22:11Yeah, it's scary.
22:11Did you lose your mind?
22:13I think I just didn't...
22:15I didn't...
22:17From friends' plane tickets to have them visit and...
22:21And...
22:22Just overspending.
22:24So things started to go wrong when you moved to California at 18 years old and you're making
22:29millions of dollars and you were surrounded by other people who don't necessarily have your
22:35best interest and you had nobody to guide you.
22:38Who's helping you invest your money?
22:40Or who's helping you decide?
22:41Yeah, that wasn't happening.
22:42That was not happening.
22:43So you're just a girl.
22:45You're living the life that...
22:47And I didn't listen to my family when they would say, come move back to New York.
22:50Right before kind of everything started to go down.
22:52So you didn't have any guidance and you thought because you're making all of that money, as
22:57people do, that you knew what you were doing.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Well, and I didn't...
23:02I don't think I really...
23:04It's not that he didn't care.
23:06Yeah.
23:06But that...
23:06I didn't want to face it.
23:07I think that was a lot of it.
23:09A lot of running from a lot of things that were going on.
23:13Because it was easier to sit to, you know, keep myself distracted.
23:17Okay.
23:18When you get the first DUI, is that a wake-up call?
23:23A little bit.
23:24I don't think it was fully.
23:26Okay.
23:26You're either awake or you're not.
23:28So were you awake...
23:28Was it a wake-up call?
23:30No.
23:30No.
23:31No.
23:31When I say a little bit, I mean it was scary at first, but it didn't really hit me.
23:37So no.
23:37Yeah.
23:38Scary, you would have preferred not to have been caught, but it didn't say, okay, I'm not
23:42going to do that again.
23:43Right.
23:44Because...
23:44Because I'm an addict.
23:47Right.
23:48Because you'd think that in that situation, someone would be like, holy...
23:52I need to check myself.
23:55Yeah.
23:56I would have thought that, particularly after going to jail in 2010,
24:01that that would have been enough to scare you straight, or at least spending that time
24:06in jail.
24:07That scared me.
24:08That scared you?
24:09Yeah.
24:09That was my biggest wake-up call.
24:11Okay.
24:11But it didn't scare you enough to stop the behavior?
24:15I started to change a lot of things after that.
24:18Mm-hmm.
24:19So when did you start to realize, was it over a period of time or all of a sudden, that maybe
24:28I do have a problem?
24:29Over a period of time.
24:35Over a period of time.
24:38The perception in the public, I think, is that your parents have exploited you and taken
24:45advantage of you.
24:46Do you feel that at all?
24:47We all know that alcoholism is a disease.
24:55Right.
24:57But what I really want to know is what within you is causing you such dis-ease with yourself?
25:10I think a lot of, it has been in the past, a lot of lack of self-will.
25:19Like, in terms of wanting to, I didn't crave to want to feel great.
25:24Because I hadn't, I haven't felt the way I've been feeling recently and feel now in a very
25:29long time.
25:30Mm-hmm.
25:30Like, I feel, I feel whole again.
25:33Mm-hmm.
25:34And I feel, I have such, I have such a desire to want to keep this feeling and stay this
25:43way.
25:44Mm-hmm.
25:44And I will, I'm willing to do whatever it takes and whatever people that have more
25:49experience with me and their recovery and things like that have.
25:52Mm-hmm.
25:52That I really want.
25:54Mm-hmm.
25:54And I really want to be on set.
25:57Like, that feeds me.
25:58Mm-hmm.
25:58That's...
25:59You really want to act.
26:00Yeah.
26:00Because you really are extraordinarily talented.
26:03I mean, unlike a lot of young women who get attention and became famous for doing absolutely
26:10nothing but walking a red carpet, you actually have talent.
26:15Yeah.
26:16And do you feel like you've abused that in some way?
26:22Yeah.
26:23I think, you know, I'm a very spiritual person and I've become more spiritual as time has gone
26:29on.
26:29And, you know, I'm lucky enough to be...
26:32What does that mean when you say I'm a very spiritual person?
26:34Just, I'm really in touch with whether it's prayer or meditation.
26:39And, you know, there are so many powers greater than me.
26:44Yeah.
26:44In the world.
26:45And I've been blessed and lucky enough to have been given a gift to share with other
26:50people.
26:51Mm-hmm.
26:51And I think for so long I've, like, kept that so locked down and chained down just by creating
26:59this whirlwind of garbage around myself.
27:01Yeah, because you're addicted to chaos.
27:02Right.
27:02Yeah.
27:03And I think it's just been so eye-opening for me.
27:07Mm-hmm.
27:07And being able to find a way to appreciate what I have and share it with other people,
27:16but also be mentally in a much better place.
27:20Because ultimately, you know, I am a spiritual seeker.
27:22I know that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
27:26Right.
27:26I live that every day.
27:28And what I know for sure about spirituality is that it's ultimately about self-awareness.
27:34Mm-hmm.
27:34It's about being fully self-actualized and self-awareness.
27:40What do you know about yourself now that you wish you'd known six rehabs ago?
27:49Um, I've always known things about myself.
27:53I've just chosen to not recognize them and act on them.
27:56Mm-hmm.
27:56Like, I've always been aware of my faults.
27:59You want to change now.
28:00Why?
28:01Did you just get tired?
28:02Tired.
28:03Mm-hmm.
28:04I've lived so many lives in one lifetime at this point.
28:08Mm-hmm.
28:09And it's not interesting to me anymore.
28:13Mm-hmm.
28:14So many people have, you know, talked about, blogged about, felt that you were headed down the wrong track.
28:21Did you ever think that you would end up in some disaster situation that you wouldn't be able to come back from?
28:29Like a car accident or hurting someone else or being out of control and...
28:36Yeah, especially thinking about it now with such a clear head.
28:41Mm-hmm.
28:43Thank God.
28:44Mm-hmm.
28:44I have some serious guardian angels.
28:46Mm-hmm.
28:48Because I would never have been able to forgive myself had I hurt someone else.
28:53Or even just, you know, it's hard enough knowing what I've put my family and loved ones through.
28:58Mm-hmm.
29:00Are you still...
29:00It's hard to see them cry.
29:01Are you close to your family?
29:03Yeah.
29:03Mm-hmm.
29:04Who are you closest to?
29:04Well, I'm closest to everyone on the same level.
29:09Lindsey grew up in Long Island, the oldest of four children.
29:12When she was just four years old, her father, Michael, served jail time in a stock fraud case.
29:19Since then, he's been arrested more than nine times.
29:23Lindsey's mother, Dina, has often been targeted by the tabloids, accused of mismanaging her daughter's career
29:28and partying with Lindsey when she was underage.
29:31After nearly 22 years of a rocky marriage, Lindsey's parents officially divorced in 2007.
29:39You know, the perception in the public, I think, to a great extent, is that your parents have exploited you and taken advantage of you.
29:49Do you feel that at all?
29:50No, nobody's perfect.
29:53You know, I love my parents.
29:56Mm-hmm.
29:56And I'm not going to say that it hasn't, you know, certain situations I would have preferred to have been handled differently.
30:05Mm-hmm.
30:05Um, certain things I would have preferred to have been kept within my family in private.
30:10Mm-hmm.
30:11But that's in the past, and I can't change that.
30:12Certain things I read and actually heard the tape of you calling your father.
30:17And screaming at my mom.
30:17And when your mother was out of control, and...
30:21She wasn't out of control.
30:22I was more out of control.
30:23Well, she appeared to be...
30:24Well, based upon the conversation, it seemed like she...
30:26It was a...
30:26It was a bad mother and daughter fight.
30:28Last year, during a fight with her mother, Lindsay made a frantic phone call to her father, which he secretly recorded and made public.
30:38The tape went viral.
30:40Lindsay was heard accusing Dina Lowen of being on cocaine.
30:44You know, I said a lot of things that were not true.
30:47So she hadn't taken cocaine?
30:49I was saying spitefully, no, no.
30:50Your mother had not taken cocaine?
30:51No.
30:52But you were telling your father that your mother had taken cocaine?
30:54And I shouldn't be smiling.
30:55That's sick.
30:56But, because it's just not funny.
30:58It's just so absurd to me that I...
30:59Why did you do that then?
31:00So was that a whole...
31:00I was so angry in that moment.
31:02With your mother?
31:03Yeah.
31:03What had happened?
31:04What is the truth of what happened?
31:06We just had a...
31:07It was just a long night, and I was out with friends, and I'd come back to the hotel, and we were going back to Long Island, and...
31:11Was she partying with you?
31:13No.
31:13She had gone back to the hotel, and then I went to get her.
31:16And I was just...
31:17On one.
31:20And I think a lot of the things that I didn't...
31:22Okay, explain that.
31:23On one.
31:23I was...
31:24I hadn't slept enough, and I was acting out.
31:27Mm-hmm.
31:28And I was acting like a crazy person.
31:30Mm-hmm.
31:30So you called your dad.
31:32So I knew what was the one thing that would really trigger her, and set her off, or hurt her.
31:38And cause more chaos.
31:40Yeah, but I wasn't thinking clearly.
31:42Mm-hmm.
31:43And that's not something that I'm proud of.
31:45Yeah.
31:45I was really ashamed by that.
31:48So the point I'm trying to make is somehow that private conversation that you were having with your father...
31:54Yeah.
31:55...ends up in the...
31:57Yeah.
31:58...exposed to the public.
32:00Yeah.
32:00That killed me.
32:01And that was their own battle.
32:06Mm-hmm.
32:07Mm-hmm.
32:08Why would your father betray you?
32:10I don't know.
32:13I don't think it was towards me.
32:15I think it was, you know, his own thing with my mom.
32:18Mm-hmm.
32:19Which is something that they, they, over time, have been working on.
32:24Mm-hmm.
32:24You know, I'm seeing them this week for lunch, the two of them.
32:28Together?
32:29Yeah, and my sister.
32:30Wow.
32:32Yeah.
32:33It's nice being in the right place, and, you know, good things happening.
32:37Do they get along?
32:38Yeah.
32:39Your mother and father?
32:40Yeah.
32:40They do.
32:42So you never felt that your mother exploited you, or used you, or...
32:47I don't think anything was intentionally done in that way.
32:52I think it was just, you know, and I hate what a bad rap people give my parents.
32:59Because they're just parents, really, at the end of the day.
33:02Mm-hmm.
33:03And trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves, and...
33:10I've, I've asked, you know, in sitting with my parents recently, just that keep our life private.
33:17Like, please.
33:18Mm-hmm.
33:18So you do not feel at any time that your parents have sold you out?
33:22No.
33:23I don't think so.
33:25I mean, not to say that when I wasn't really speaking to my dad, he had any right to say the things he did.
33:31Okay.
33:31So, the other question, this is the last, I'm going to get off your parents.
33:34And you don't think in any way that there's toxicity in the relationship between either of your parents, your mother or your father, and you.
33:43No.
33:44You do not.
33:44Not at this point.
33:46You know, I don't blame anyone for my mistakes.
33:49I don't blame anyone for driving a car while drinking.
33:51I don't blame anyone for me having to go to court.
33:53Mm-hmm.
33:54That's my, I did that.
33:55Mm-hmm.
33:55I did that, and I'm not proud of it.
33:59But all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing now.
34:06Mm-hmm.
34:06And not have those things in my life anymore, and not have, not go down that path.
34:12A lot of people feel that you've been given so many chances and keep blowing it.
34:19What do you want to say to those people?
34:25Guys, you have to let me walk, okay?
34:27All right.
34:28This way.
34:29This way, Lindsay.
34:29This way, Lindsay.
34:30Hey, run away.
34:32Easy, anybody, marry me.
34:38It's interesting, because when it was announced that I was doing this interview with you, oh, my God, people have such strong feelings.
34:46A lot of people are rooting for you.
34:47And then a lot of people were upset with me for wanting to talk to you because, in their judgment of you, feel that you've been given so many chances and that you have had so much and that you are so gifted, but feel that you've had everything and keep blowing it.
35:14What do you want to say to those people?
35:16Um, I have, I am, I'm very, I'd rather say blessed.
35:21Mm-hmm.
35:22And it's a, it's a process of growing up and recognizing and being just so tired.
35:31Yeah.
35:31And exhausted by the chaos, which is what it really is, that I have had no right in my past to complain about, you know, being followed by cameras and people making up stories.
35:46But there's something to be said about me moving forward, that if I'm going to put myself in a public situation, you know, that's open season for people to say whatever they're going to say.
35:55Yeah.
35:56That's, I can't control that.
35:57And that's what I can control not putting myself there.
36:00Okay, what I want, what I want to know from you is, I know that in your heart of hearts, there have been moments where you would, like, feel like, if people only knew.
36:10Yeah.
36:11If people only knew.
36:13Uh, fill in the blank.
36:23People only knew the real, you know, parts of the real sides of things and just were open to hearing that.
36:30The reason why.
36:31Because that's not interesting.
36:32Yeah.
36:32Normalcy is not interesting.
36:34I'm not going to sell any papers.
36:34Growing up in a chaotic home with two parents who really love you and just want you to do well is not interesting.
36:41Yeah.
36:41That's, there's no story there.
36:43Me really trying to be happy and accepting that I am happy now, that's boring.
36:49And then that's another story that can't be written.
36:51Mm-hmm.
36:52So, it's really frustrating.
36:54But I can't control that.
36:56I can, I can control that I stay on my path of recovery and I stay on my path of feeling this way.
37:04And what does that path of recovery look like for you?
37:10Um, just.
37:11Staying present.
37:14Mm-hmm.
37:15And clear-headed and focused is the most important thing for me.
37:18Mm-hmm.
37:19I will kill him and I won't get away with it.
37:27I will kill him and I won't get away with it.
37:27Lindsay's received some solid reviews for her role in the provocative new thriller, The Canyons.
37:36The New Yorker magazine called her performance electrifyingly alive.
37:41You have this new movie, The Canyons.
37:48When you were doing Canyons, it's pretty provocative.
37:51Did you?
37:51Yeah.
37:52Pretty provocative.
37:53It's pretty out there.
37:54You're pretty out there, sister girl.
37:56Whoa.
37:58It was, it was.
38:01Yeah.
38:02And I was nervous.
38:03I was scared.
38:04Scared about going that far.
38:06Yeah.
38:06Yeah.
38:06It helped that it was shot in dark and that kind of, it was that kind of energy.
38:12And, and I just, I was really grateful to just, you know, be on set with someone like
38:18Paul Schrader.
38:19And that was a really cool experience for me.
38:22And that, you know, the process of doing this movie, we didn't go to set and have trailers
38:26and have all these teams of people.
38:29It wasn't that.
38:30Right.
38:30Low budget.
38:31Yeah.
38:31And it was great.
38:32It was very, it was raw and it was real.
38:34And I know every time you go on set, there's a certain anticipation because your reputation
38:40now, not just as an actress precedes you.
38:42Like people think there's going to be some acting out or something.
38:45Did you, you feel that?
38:48I feel that people have thought that.
38:49Yeah.
38:50And that they're surprised when I'm early.
38:52So why do you have this reputation?
38:54I think because I had, I was so distracted in the past, too, that, you know, I wasn't
39:04on point with that, of being on time and that.
39:07And not thinking about other people's time.
39:08Yeah.
39:09And not, more than that, not even appreciating my own time, too.
39:14Mm-hmm.
39:14Mm-hmm.
39:16I get that.
39:17You know, just like you were saying before, I've been given a lot of chances and I'm really
39:20lucky to still have the support and someone like you even coming and sitting to do this
39:25interview with me.
39:26And I'm grateful for it.
39:28Well, we're going to do more than an interview.
39:31Mm-hmm.
39:31So I'm interested in this docu-series that we're doing because I am interested in your
39:38life being actualized in the way that you say you really want it to be.
39:44I'm really interested in seeing what that looks like when somebody has been down and has the
39:51courage to say, I'm going to keep moving forward.
39:54Right.
39:54Yeah.
39:55And to do that in a really truthful, honest way.
39:59That's what I see.
40:00That's what I want to do.
40:01Yeah.
40:02So my expectation is that now you're ready to do that, correct?
40:06Yeah.
40:06Yeah.
40:07Well, let me just share a concern that I have because I heard that you're planning on going
40:11to Europe.
40:13Yes.
40:14Why?
40:15I actually have booked, I don't want to give myself away and have people there waiting.
40:20Okay, good.
40:21No, okay.
40:21So, but I hear you're planning, because Europe is a big, it's large, there's lots of countries.
40:25I'm doing meditation and yoga.
40:26So don't tell me where you're going.
40:27Don't tell me where you're going.
40:28But I'm just saying, I read this in something and I didn't even believe it.
40:31And then somebody on my team said, yes, it's true, you're planning on going to Europe and
40:36you now are four days out of rehab.
40:38That, that concerns me.
40:40So can you tell me what that's all about?
40:41My brother is going to be coming with me and I'm going to be doing a yoga and meditation
40:46type of retreat.
40:48So that's basically what I'm doing.
40:50Okay.
40:50So this is the thing.
40:51I'm wondering if it is, have you thought through, is that the best decision for you
40:58at this time, only a few days out of rehab going to Europe?
41:03Because for me, I mean, I have an addiction too.
41:05I have a food addiction.
41:06So it would be like coming out of rehab and going into a potato chip factory.
41:12I understand what you're saying.
41:13Yeah, you know, it feels...
41:14I get it.
41:15Yes.
41:15Yeah, I understand.
41:16Yeah.
41:17But one of the reasons I question it is because there's something about Europe being the playground
41:22for, you know, fun and pleasure.
41:26There's something about that when you're over there.
41:29You just feel like, well, I should have this.
41:31Well, why shouldn't I?
41:32But I'm different.
41:33You're different?
41:34I'm different.
41:35Really?
41:36I feel different.
41:37I'm in a different headspace.
41:40I don't want those things that I wanted before.
41:44And every day that goes by...
41:46So you're not going to party?
41:47No.
41:47You're not going to party?
41:47No.
41:47Definitely.
41:48No.
41:48Okay.
41:49I'm not here to tell you what to do because I'm not your... I'm not your coach.
41:52I'm just here asking you to think about, is that the best decision for you?
41:58You don't think it's better for you to stay in New York where you have the coach and look
42:04for your apartment and do all those things that you... I'm just asking you to consider
42:08that.
42:09Okay.
42:11Consider it.
42:11I'm going to.
42:13Okay.
42:14Because I want you to win.
42:18I want you to win.
42:22Thank you for doing this.
42:23Thank you for having me.
42:35So how are we...
42:36Face the camera.
42:37Yeah, face the camera.
42:38Sit up a little bit.
42:39There we go.
42:41Look.
42:41How old are you anyway?
42:43Ten and a half.
42:43Ten and a half?
42:44Yeah.
42:45Are you a tall ten and a half or...
42:46In your class, are you the tallest one?
42:50No.
42:51The shortest one?
42:52No.
42:52Are you the most medium?
42:55I don't know.
42:56No.
42:57I don't have everybody stand in a line and say, am I the tallest, the medium, or the short?
43:01I thought they did that the first day of school.
43:03No.
43:03You make everybody sort of stand up and see who's the tallest.
43:06No, I do it at home.
43:07I bring a little blue.
43:16Yeah.
43:17Oh.
43:18Oh.
43:19Oh.
43:24Oh.
43:25Oh.
43:29Oh.
43:31Oh.
43:34Oh.
43:35Oh.
43:35Oh.
43:36Oh.
43:36Oh.
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