- 4 weeks ago
Ralph Barbosa- Planet Bosa
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01All right, y'all ready? Y'all ready?
00:08Ladies and gentlemen, Ralph Barbosa!
00:30All right, y'all ready?
00:37What's up, everybody?
00:41Hell yeah.
00:46Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much for coming to my show.
00:51I love you too, bro.
00:53I just been having fun, man. I'm recently single.
01:01Thank you. Thank you. I cheated, but thank you.
01:05I'm playing. I didn't cheat. I would never, ever hurt a woman.
01:11I just... I'm single. I don't know.
01:15I like being single. I like dating around, you know? It's fun.
01:19I'm 28 now. I'm experienced enough that I can see stuff I don't like coming a mile away.
01:25Like, I don't like when women have trust issues.
01:27I'm sorry somebody gave you trust issues, but I ain't got no time for that.
01:32Like, I was with this one girl, and I was just being straightforward.
01:35I was like, hey, before we mess around, just please don't leave me hickeys.
01:40I don't like that.
01:42And she got mad. She was like, why?
01:44You got hoes?
01:50Yes.
01:54I'm not that good looking. It took me a very long time to accumulate these hoes.
02:01Don't fuck this up for me.
02:03Hey, hoes don't like that joke.
02:10Women laugh at it, but hoes don't, so if you didn't laugh...
02:16You see how now they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:21I didn't get it at first.
02:23All right, yeah, but you know, I'm out here having some fun.
02:33I know what I like and what I don't like.
02:35Like, I like a woman from a broken home.
02:39The less parents I have to meet, the better.
02:42I like girls, I like girls who don't wear, like, way too much makeup.
02:50Like, I get it.
02:51Sometimes you guys like to put on a lot, like, for sport.
02:57Yeah, I see, I see those videos y'all be making.
03:00You're like, here's how you apply a shitload.
03:03And...
03:06But I'm not talking about that.
03:07I'm talking about sometimes you just, you're just going out to dinner.
03:11Or you're just going to the bar and y'all put on way too much.
03:14And you can always tell when a girl put on way too much makeup.
03:17Cause when y'all take it off, we're just like, oh shit.
03:22I'm like, hey, you're an artist.
03:27And a liar.
03:28I think I'm too smart for most women that I date.
03:35I can't help it.
03:36God made me just a maniacal genius.
03:40Like, I went out with this one girl.
03:43And when we were leaving the restaurant, they were giving out free lollipops.
03:47I took a strawberry and a green apple.
03:50She was like, which one are you going to keep?
03:53I said, I want a green apple, but I feel like you want that one too.
03:56So I'm going to let you have it.
03:58She was like, aw, that's how I know you care about me.
04:01You gave me the one you wanted.
04:07In my mind, I was like, you stupid fucking...
04:11I never wanted a green apple.
04:15I never wanted you, bitch.
04:16Nah, I'm just...
04:18That's too mean. That's too mean. I'm not...
04:21I'm not that mean, man.
04:24If anything, I feel like I'm a sucker for women.
04:26Women have a lot of power over me, man.
04:29Whatever they say goes.
04:31Like, I've been doing my best not to get high with strangers.
04:35And it's easy to say no.
04:37It's usually just some dude after a show like, hey, you want to smoke out my car?
04:42I'm like, I'm okay, guy.
04:43But if a woman was to try to give me high?
04:48Man, I don't care.
04:50I'll be like, yeah, I love heroin.
04:52What's up?
04:54I feel like girls are really big on traveling nowadays.
05:01Girls love to travel.
05:03So if you're dating somebody and y'all start to get serious,
05:07eventually, y'all gotta travel together.
05:09It's gonna happen.
05:10But that can be tough on your pockets.
05:14That's why I only go out with girls who are here illegally.
05:23Undocumented women, y'all are done traveling.
05:29Y'all have reached your final destination.
05:31They don't want to go anywhere.
05:37Well, I mean, they do, but they can't.
05:40That's my excuse for not even taking them on dates.
05:43I'll be like, let's just stay home tonight.
05:45I don't want them to take you from me, baby.
05:48Let's go under the covers where they can't find you.
05:54We're gonna play hide the illegal.
05:56Nah, I'm sorry.
05:57Hey, that's a dumbass joke.
06:02But it's just a joke.
06:04But I like when I say it,
06:06because I look around at the audience,
06:07and I can tell by the faces y'all make,
06:09I can tell who's illegal in here.
06:13A couple girls were licking at me like,
06:15fuck that joke.
06:20Play it cool, bitch.
06:21They're gonna find you.
06:22Nah.
06:27Hey, I didn't, I didn't even know this.
06:33And maybe this is me just being like ignorant,
06:36or maybe a little privileged,
06:37that I was born on this side of the line.
06:40But I didn't know that a lot of people who are undocumented
06:44don't like to be called illegals.
06:47This girl I was dating got real mad at me.
06:49She was like, I'm not illegal.
06:51Stop calling me illegal.
06:52I'm undocumented.
06:56I said, bitch, it is illegal to be undocumented.
07:01Just be yourself.
07:03I was like, you're an artist.
07:08But I like, I like being single,
07:10going out with other of my single friends.
07:12Like I was out,
07:13it was like six of us Mexican dudes,
07:15and then my buddy Zach was with us.
07:17He was the only white dude in the crew that night.
07:21And Zach was the only one talking to a girl,
07:23which I'm cool with.
07:24I'm a great wingman.
07:25That girl was looking at us like,
07:27dang, you know, all these Mexicans, one white dude.
07:30She goes, how do y'all even know each other?
07:33And this is how I know I'm a badass wingman,
07:35because without even thinking about it,
07:37I was like, oh, we, we work on his property.
07:40The other Mexicans I was with,
07:48they're no sabo kids.
07:49They don't even know Spanish.
07:51But I was like, right, guys?
07:53They're like, si.
07:56Neta.
08:02I live, I live with my dad right now.
08:05But I want to move out,
08:06because it's hard to, you know, have sex.
08:10And it's the only thing holding me back right now,
08:14you know?
08:16You ever have quiet sex?
08:18Or like, you ever live with somebody else's parents?
08:21Like, if you're a dude,
08:22you ever live at your girl's parents' house?
08:23It was horrible.
08:26I lived with a girl once,
08:27and I remember her mom's room
08:29was right next to her room.
08:32The only time we could have sex
08:33was if I camouflaged the sweet sounds of love
08:36with my snoring.
08:40Every night, I was in there like,
08:42mmm, mmm, mmm.
08:51It's hard having quiet sex.
08:52You gotta, like, whisper, yell, dirty talk.
08:54I was like, you like that?
08:59Sounded like a little demon.
09:00You like that, bitch?
09:06I remember this one night,
09:07she was like, go faster.
09:08I was like, shit, I'll try.
09:10Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.
09:16It sounded like we had baby pigs running around.
09:21I said,jon come in here, we're watching farm videos.
09:29Finish her off with a, .
09:35The next morning, her mom was like,
09:38hey, you slept good last night.
09:42I said, you're fucking right I did. Give me some.
09:51But yeah, I live with my dad. It's cool.
09:54All my family, they're real good to me.
09:57They help me with my son when I'm not in town.
09:59My dad and my stepmom, they put in a lot of effort
10:02to have a good relationship with my son.
10:05And I love that.
10:06But my dad and my stepmom, they also put in a lot of effort
10:09to have a good relationship with my son's mom.
10:13And I don't need that.
10:14I don't.
10:16So now she's getting too comfortable, man.
10:18My baby mama, she comes over all the time
10:20without even telling me.
10:22One time, I came home and my baby mama was there,
10:25but I had a girl with me.
10:27It was awkward.
10:27The girl was like, who is that?
10:30I was like, oh, that's my sister.
10:31I had to play it off.
10:35I grabbed my baby mama by the head
10:36and gave her a noogie.
10:37I was like, stay out of my room, caca head.
10:41Like, I just...
10:43Bro, we went right back to court.
10:45No, but I shouldn't.
10:50I shouldn't make fun of him.
10:52I'm scared all the time, man.
10:54I used to live in a little ghetto-ass neighborhood.
10:56Every time I'd get home at night,
10:58I was like afraid that somebody would rob me or something.
11:01Now, now I live in a nice neighborhood.
11:04It's so safe.
11:06But honestly, it's so safe that I'm scared again.
11:09They do shit that's not normal out there.
11:13The other night, I went walking through a park,
11:16like 10 p.m. at night, just to clear my head.
11:19And this little white girl comes up to me.
11:21She was like eight years old, by herself.
11:23She was like, hi.
11:26I said, hell nah.
11:31It doesn't matter what color she is.
11:34If any little girl is at a park this late at night by herself,
11:38it's only for one of two reasons.
11:40Either one, they're out here to catch pedophiles.
11:43I don't want no part in her sting operation.
11:46This little girl's a fed.
11:48Good for her.
11:51Or two, this bitch is a demon.
11:57Right now, she's all sweet and innocent.
11:59Hi.
12:00But in the minute, she's gonna...
12:01Either way, she don't got nothing to do with me.
12:08I'm minding my business.
12:09I kept walking.
12:10I was ignoring her.
12:11But she kind of got me, though,
12:13because I get offended easily.
12:15I'm a sensitive dude.
12:16I kept walking, and she keeps going.
12:18She's like, hi.
12:19I said, nope.
12:21And she goes again.
12:22Hi.
12:23And then she goes,
12:27Ola.
12:27I said, bitch.
12:31This is not a language thing, man.
12:38Poor y'all judge me for calling this little girl a bitch.
12:42I want to remind y'all, I live in Texas.
12:45She had a gun.
12:45I do it.
12:53I live out there in Texas.
12:54And I like to mention that in every city that I get to perform in,
12:58that I'm from Texas.
12:59Because no matter where you go,
13:01it don't matter what city you're at,
13:02you'll hear at least one or two, like, whoo.
13:04And I'll be like, oh, you're from Texas, too.
13:06And they'll be like, nah, but you know.
13:10I'm like, hell yeah, I appreciate it.
13:12But some cities, they don't like Texas.
13:14Like, New York.
13:17And it's crazy to me that in New York,
13:19you could perform, like, five times a night.
13:22You could do shows five times a night.
13:24Every night of the week, I was out there for, like, two weeks.
13:26Every night, I mentioned I was from Texas
13:28and never heard a woo.
13:32Well, one, I did one show in New York
13:34where one person wooed for Texas.
13:37And honestly, I wish they hadn't.
13:38Like, because that whole crowd
13:41just beat that lady's ass.
13:45Even I got scared.
13:46I was like, heh heh, I was just playing.
13:48Like, fuck that bitch, right, guys?
13:54Nah, but I mean, like,
13:56sometimes in more, like, liberal states,
13:58they kind of, you know,
14:00they judge you when they know you're from Texas.
14:03They think I got, like, all the red values.
14:05I don't have no, like, values, though.
14:07I just...
14:07I'm just kind of, like, here, you know?
14:12I'm like the meme.
14:13I'm like a chill guy.
14:14Like, fucking...
14:14There are some things where I'm like,
14:18all right, that's kind of crazy, man.
14:20Like, all right, like, a while back,
14:22Texas goes and they banned abortion,
14:26which I feel like that's extreme.
14:27It's also, it's a woman's issue.
14:29I feel like only women should decide
14:31on things like that.
14:34Yeah.
14:36But I mean, fuck it.
14:37We took the loss.
14:39Be careful.
14:42Right when they banned abortion,
14:44they put up a sign
14:45as you're driving into Texas state lines,
14:47there's a sign that's like,
14:48yo, you are now entering Texas.
14:51Be careful, bro.
14:53Make sure you love her.
14:58But it's extreme, is my point.
15:00It's extreme.
15:00But then, but then,
15:03as if that wasn't extreme enough already,
15:06not too long after that,
15:07Texas goes and they banned Pornhub.
15:10And that's where I draw my line.
15:12Because now they're messing with my body.
15:19My body, my choice, you know?
15:23They banned Pornhub in Texas.
15:25That's wild.
15:25They banned it in a few states.
15:27That's wild, though.
15:28I didn't, I didn't even care at first.
15:31I was like, so what if it's banned?
15:32It's just Pornhub.
15:33It's not that important.
15:34And then, like, four hours into the ban,
15:37it's just like,
15:38why has God forsaken me?
15:46I didn't even know they were gonna ban it.
15:49I just, I got on the website one day
15:51to check something else, and
15:52it was gone.
15:57If you're in Texas or in any state
16:01where they banned Pornhub,
16:03they, uh,
16:04and you try to pull up Pornhub,
16:06all that comes up is a letter.
16:10It's a letter from Pornhub.
16:11More like a suicide note.
16:15And the whole letter,
16:16they're just like,
16:16hey, like,
16:18we tried.
16:21They're like, believe us,
16:22we want to give you so much porn, like.
16:24It says a lot of stuff,
16:28and then at the end of the letter,
16:30it said, um,
16:31if you want us back in your state,
16:34please reach out to your local representatives.
16:38I was like, hell nah.
16:42The hell?
16:43I was like, God, no.
16:44I was like, why would,
16:45why would Pornhub even ask me to do that?
16:49Come on, bro.
16:50Think about it, Pornhub.
16:51If I delete you from my search history,
16:53I'm not going to defend you publicly.
16:58I don't even know
16:59who my representatives are.
17:02The only representative I know from Texas
17:05is that dude, Ted Cruz.
17:07And, what,
17:08you think I'm going to write him an email?
17:10Be like, hey, bro.
17:13I am horny.
17:16And a little lonely.
17:19And they sent me to you.
17:20What's up?
17:21Like.
17:23It's over, Pornhub.
17:28And honestly, I'm cool with it.
17:30I am.
17:30Because Pornhub,
17:31they go too far.
17:34Pornhub,
17:34they let anybody make a profile
17:36and upload homemade videos.
17:38That should not be allowed.
17:40Leave it to the pros.
17:42These are normal people.
17:44They don't know how to make,
17:45like, they make their own titles.
17:47And I believe them now.
17:49I'm worried about these strangers.
17:50Like.
17:51I was on this one girl's page.
17:53And every video she uploaded,
17:56the title would be like,
17:58I bang my boyfriend's best friend
18:01while he's at work.
18:02I bang the neighbor
18:04while my boyfriend puts in OT.
18:06I bang my boyfriend's uncle
18:07at the family reunion.
18:09It's like,
18:10it's like,
18:10come on, bro.
18:12I'm not even horny anymore.
18:16I just want to find her boyfriend.
18:19I want to find this man
18:24and be like,
18:24bro.
18:27Have you ever watched porn?
18:30I need to show you something.
18:32Come with me.
18:32Like,
18:33your community does not love you, boy.
18:36Every video she posted was like that.
18:39Not one video.
18:40Not one video was ever like,
18:41today, I will faithful.
18:46I don't need those titles.
18:49I don't even need a title.
18:51Just post the video.
18:52I'll figure it out.
18:54I'll be like,
18:56these two,
18:56they like each other.
18:57Let's go.
19:07Hey, bro.
19:07I gave myself a lot of dick right.
19:12I even added a curve.
19:16It goes to the right of it.
19:22But yeah.
19:22They're going crazy down there.
19:25Careful.
19:30I've never been like a coke person.
19:33My all-time favorite drug
19:35is mushrooms.
19:36I love, I love to get like stupid high on mushrooms.
19:44Because I'll start getting all these crazy ideas.
19:47And I'll write them down on paper
19:49so I can read them when I'm sober again.
19:52But every time I read what I wrote down,
19:54all I write is shit like,
19:56eat less mushrooms.
19:58I'll be like,
20:01be like,
20:01I am scared.
20:05But I'll throw the paper away.
20:07I'm like,
20:07pussy.
20:09That's mushroom talk.
20:12Weed is cool.
20:13Weed is a cool like day-to-day drug,
20:15you know.
20:16Like that one.
20:17I like edibles.
20:19Edibles are fun when you forget that you ate one.
20:22sometimes they take longer than usual to kick in you eat one you forget you're taking out the trash
20:30you eat some food right when you're cleaning your dish out of nowhere the edible's like remember
20:36bitch i'm like yeah i do now i'll eat an edible and i'll forget about it and i'll agree to do
20:48things that i should not be doing on edibles one time i was driving my grandma to her doctor
20:54appointment edible kicked in bro we never arrived my grandma was mad she was in the back seat like
21:04i was like the doctor said to come here
21:08i like smoking with people from time to time i try to get out my comfort zone
21:18i'm a little introverted man like if i smoke with a dude that i meet after a show or something like
21:23i don't even know what to talk about but i feel the pressure to talk and to entertain so i'll start
21:29the conversation off but i'll start it with a lie i don't know why i just dumb ass lies i'll be like
21:35hey i have a dog they're like oh yeah where'd you get it what kind of dog and then i'm like fuck
21:44these lies i tell though they're teaching me a lot about me i'm learning i'm a racist
21:52because if i'm smoking with another mexican dude or with like a black dude i'll be like man i got
21:59this purebred rottweiler i got him from a badass breeder paid top dollar if i'm smoking with white
22:05people i'll be like first off he's a rescue
22:07i rescued a golden retriever actually and his name's oliver
22:19but for the record i would never rescue
22:25i don't like that reusing someone's dog
22:29nah i don't like to reuse nothing bro i don't even recycle and i do believe in global warming but i
22:39don't care about it i want to care more about the environment but then i see people that like
22:45really care and i'm like man they got it
22:48you ever go to someone's house and they have like three recycle bins when i see that i'm like we're
22:57gonna be all right
22:57sometimes you smoke with people and they'll talk a lot which is fine like talk but pass me back my
23:11weed first
23:12or like i like like i like to smoke with people who rap when they're high but like i said like pass
23:20me back my weed some people they want to rap and hold the weed like it's a music video and
23:25i don't like that i'd be looking out for the signals if you're holding my weed and i see you
23:33off to the side over here like i'll be like hey nah nah nah like
23:39but some people rap badass when they're high like my little cousin anthony he'll bust a freestyle
23:49and i love it because he does it all in his mind he'll be smoking out of nowhere he's just like
23:54and i'll be so high that i heard it
24:13i'm like bro hell yeah
24:17i said you ain't lying bro play this shit again
24:21i want to get health insurance that shit looks badass
24:30right now i don't have health insurance so anytime i need to go to the doctor for anything
24:36i go to like this affordable type clinic you know those clinics that are like for people in the
24:43struggle but i feel like the doctors there be struggling too
24:47my primary care physician lady i don't think she makes enough money to care
24:54that bitch has her own problems
24:58she was like mr barbosa do you smoke cigarettes i was like sometimes she's like shit me too
25:06but i'm trying to i'm trying to stay productive while i can you know trying to stay productive
25:13i started learning how to work on cars i really did it because i wanted to impress women
25:19but so far i've just been impressing men
25:23they're the only ones who really care
25:28like i was telling my boy that i did the oil change on my car
25:32he was like where'd you take it i said no i did it he goes
25:37i was like calm down pervert
25:41when i was a kid i did a little pain in body but the mechanics of it i never messed with it you
25:50know and learning i know a thing or two now but before i didn't i didn't really know much i didn't
25:56even know what type of oil my own car used at first i remember the dude at the store was like
26:01what kind of oil do i get you i was like whatever vin diesel uses
26:06he's like i don't know what vin diesel uses
26:10i was like well you don't know nothing about cars bro
26:13or family
26:16don't clap that's a stupid ass joke don't clap
26:22y'all should be ashamed of me that i even said that like
26:26you should be ashamed man you know what's crazy is i was so cocky about that joke i was a little high
26:33when i wrote that but i was so high that i didn't even realize it was like funny because it's so stupid
26:39i thought it was like like i'm so smart i was right there like and then i'm gonna be like get this
26:45or family
26:48now but i learned that my car uses 5w30
26:58and when i learned that or when i learned anything new about cars i feel like i'm ready to chop it up with other car guys
27:05talk shop
27:06but then i talk to car guys and they remind me i don't know shit
27:10this dude at a car show was telling me about his truck
27:15he was like yeah what can i tell you bro you know just
27:18i did a e85 conversion
27:21it's a 454 big block v8 that i took out of a 75 c10 the truck itself is a 68 c10 got about
27:28118 cc about 120 cc headers i was running 93 cc headers on this bad boy but that 9 to 1 to 1
27:34compression ratio just popped that piston right out of there boy
27:38i said for real
27:49i was like i don't know maybe put 5w30 on there bro
27:54that's what vin diesel uses
27:58i just i want to know more stuff you know what i mean i want to know more stuff
28:07because i want to be smarter be better at conversation because sometimes other comedians
28:13will invite me onto their podcast and like i want to be a better guest
28:18one time i got to go on joe rogan's podcast this year
28:21the man has like the biggest podcast in the world and he gave me a great opportunity
28:28by having me on man but i didn't have shit to talk about
28:32and then i fucked up because i started reading the comments and everybody was like man this guy is
28:39boring they were the last guy was that was he was so interesting the last guy had a good episode
28:44every comment the last guy was this man and i know i'm dry but now i'm like all right well who's this
28:50last guy right so i go to check and the guy on the episode before mine he was like an f-22 fighter
28:58pilot spilling government secrets hell yeah his episode was better than mine
29:02i was like what the f-22 they put me after him for
29:06that man had government secrets i was on my dumb ass episode like oh i like funions
29:15got a temper man people don't know that about me i got a temper be getting me into problems
29:29like the other day i walked out of a bar and then i tried to go back in the bar
29:35and a police officer he grabbed me by my arm like i'm a kid he was like whoa
29:40you can't go back in there boss and i didn't like that he grabbed me by my arm
29:45but he called me boss so
29:48i was like at least he knows
29:52it's because i like compliments a lot i do i'm a sucker for compliments a cop could be beating my
30:00ass but if he compliments me while he does it i'd be cool with it for real police officers should
30:06compliment the shit out of everybody they arrest they might have an easier time
30:10like me all right check this out like if a cop was being racist to me i don't know what i would do
30:17i'd be so scared i'd probably run for my life like if a cop slammed me up against the wall
30:21and he was just like yeah being there i'd be like oh my god like i'm gonna die i gotta go like
30:28but if a cop slammed me up against the wall and he was just like
30:32i bet you get a lot of pussy
30:35i'd be like
30:38take me to jail
30:43but i don't know i've never been like the type to get into shit with police my friends are
30:55a lot of my friends are these hood ass dudes from hood areas i don't even know how we click man
31:00for real like you ever take pictures with people from the hood
31:04it's hard man they're always throwing up their gang signs their hood their east side oak cliff
31:09i feel awkward though because i'm from the suburbs i don't know what to do in pictures
31:14they're over here i'm just like
31:17i'm like stop fighting
31:21every time we touch
31:26the only time i've ever felt afraid of the police
31:32was um a couple years ago
31:34they uh they passed this law in texas it's called the sb4 law
31:39and what i read this is what i read online
31:42it said they gave the police the authority to arrest you if you look suspicious of being
31:48an illegal and i'm not an illegal i was born here but sometimes i'll look at my skin
31:54and even to me it looks a little suspicious
31:58so what do they see you know what i'm saying
32:02and it says that that law is mostly for the cops that are right near the border they work the border
32:08towns and i don't live near the border but i'm still scared because what the fuck makes you
32:13suspicious of being an illegal what makes you fall under suspicion eighty percent of this room is
32:18suspicious
32:18that shit had me scared man that shit had me so scared i don't even put salsa on my taco anymore
32:28too suspicious
32:31i feel scared that i'm gonna be in a restaurant just throwing it on
32:36and a cop eating lunch is gonna be like
32:38be like hands behind your back
32:47no citizen could handle that amount of heat
32:50he'd be like you're coming with me pussy magnet
32:55i'd be like all right i'm illegal
32:58i don't i don't know if that law stayed in effect
33:08there's a lot of problems with that law but do your own research
33:12i also want to say this real quick don't don't like
33:15like do your own research don't say whatever i talked about right now that law don't use that
33:22like in the real conversation don't be like you heard about the thing and say like
33:26don't don't ever leave my show thinking you learned something
33:30all right i'm not that guy like
33:35i i just want to like emphasize that man like if you're left
33:40right blue red i'm not here to take a side or to push an agenda like
33:45i don't care who you vote for if you're cool with me i'm cool with you you know what i mean
33:49like yeah and i'm for real like don't take if i talk about a lot or anything like that
33:57don't take it too serious i'm not trying to
33:59like i don't have a point you know what i mean like
34:01i'm not that comedian i wish i was you think i don't
34:05man i wish i could be like like them smart comedians that they'd be like
34:09you ever notice how society be doing this and then y'all be like oh
34:13but that's not me so for now i gotta come out here and just
34:20i'm stupid bro i'm a stupid man i know i am
34:31i want people to acknowledge how dumb i am because
34:35and i'm okay with being dumb i've always known
34:39i knew i was stupid since like the fifth grade
34:43because you remember you remember in school they used to tell us
34:47that ben franklin discovered electricity when he was flying a kite with a key on it and he got
34:52electrocuted yeah he was out there he's like oh shit you know what it is like
34:57when they told us that story that's when i knew i was dumb because if that happened to me
35:03i wouldn't have discovered electricity i would have just stood there like what the fuck happened
35:08like especially in those old times i would have ran around my village like hey the sky is the devil
35:15like he just touched me
35:18i also want to say another thing man i like because i don't want i don't want my jokes to ever make you
35:27think one thing or another because then you guys you have an opinion about one of my jokes and you think
35:34that it means i do this or that and then you'll talk about it in the comments and i read those and i cry
35:39so like again i just want to emphasize i don't care who you vote for i still respect you no matter what
35:49but earlier i was doing jokes about dating girls who are not so legal and
35:56i just i don't want y'all to think that i lean on anything i i just i do have one opinion that this
36:04is my opinion though and and if yours is opposite of mine i still respect you but i'll for the record
36:10just before people get it twisted for the record me personally i'm i'm pro-immigrant how could i not
36:17be it's how i was able to be born in this country you know what i'm saying like yeah
36:21i'm pro-immigrant
36:25but
36:29but if i hang out with immigrants for too long i'll get a little republicany
36:38only because only because and immigrants y'all know y'all do this bro when immigrants who are the
36:49same race as you when they find out you were born here they'll shame you for it you're on their side
36:54and they'll shame you for it they they split us up they'd be like oh you were born here hmm must be nice
37:01they're like so you're not full-blooded or they hit you with uh maybe you've had some struggle but
37:09you'll never understand what it is to be an immigrant every time they're giving me all that
37:15i'm like bro go home
37:20but not like that like go to your new home not not the original one i'm not that mad
37:26it's just me though all right i was raised raised by immigrants i was raised by my grandparents
37:36raised by immigrants man yeah
37:42you know i really i miss my grandparents a lot when i'm out here on the road and i'll get homesick
37:47i'll miss them but when i when i really miss them i'll do things that remind me of them like
37:54when i really miss my grandma and her food i'll go to a mexican restaurant and just sit down with an old
38:00lady i'll be like hola senora ahora yo soy su nieto i belong to you now lady when when i really miss
38:13my grandpa i'll go to a strip club and just creep out young ladies i'll be like ven aquí chiquita
38:23i really do uh i really do take my grandma to her appointments sometimes
38:35or like if i have to translate my grandma speaks no english like at all so the longer her doctor
38:41talks the more nervous she gets and after a while she'll start tapping me she's like
38:48what's he telling you i like to mess with her a little bit i'll be like
38:53she's like she's like okay okay i'm like grandma tenemos kira mcdonald's
39:04my grandma's cool though she's like chinga tu madre
39:14i'm like it's tu hija
39:18my grandma's probably the reason i got a temper man she'll be always man
39:23i don't know i don't know what's going on with me i don't know if it's a part of getting older but
39:28i it's hard for it's harder for me to bottle in my anger i'm usually good at just like don't say
39:32nothing just walk off whatever but lately man i don't know the other day i'll catch myself sometimes
39:40but sometimes my temper still and it's not fair i'm not tall enough to have a temper
39:47i'm almost five seven i say it just like that because it means a few things it means yeah i'm not
39:54five seven i wish i was if i was five seven my life would be so different i would not be doing
40:02comedy today if i was five seven i wouldn't why would i need to impress people i'd be grown you know
40:11but i'm almost five seven that means i'm not five six i'm not bro i'm not i'm not i see a five
40:19six dude i'll beat his little ass but it's getting harder to like just bottle in man
40:30the other day i went off at a restaurant well not really a restaurant the other day i went off at
40:35mcdonald's i ordered a bunch of food through the app with my friend when we got there to pick it up
40:44it was like four bags worth of food and i told the guy behind the register i was like hey bro
40:50could i have one packet of buffalo sauce and he and he might have been having like a bad day already
40:55because he responded i'm mad he was like i already put honey mustard in the bag
41:01i don't even know who the told him to do that
41:06i didn't yeah he's acting like if i was texting him like don't forget the honey mustard like i swear to
41:11god i don't know what i'm gonna do if you forget that but i try to keep it calm i said hey bro take
41:20it back give me the buffalo even trade you know he was like that's too many bags for me to be looking
41:28for that honey mustard he's i don't got time for that he goes if you want buffalo sauce it's 25 cents
41:34but i'm like bro don't don't take this job that serious like of all the jobs in the world don't
41:42take this one that's serious just give me the buffalo sauce i'm like come on bro the owner of this place
41:48is a clown literally i'm not even making fun you're gonna take a stance for ronald calm down
41:55he's like hey maybe my job is some joke to you but this is how i make my living if you want buffalo
42:02sauce it's 25 cents but this last part he didn't have to throw in there this is where i lost my
42:08temper he goes if you don't have 25 cents just say that that's what i was like all right bitch
42:19i had some cash on me so i started looking for the biggest bill i have and my homeboy he knew where
42:24i was going with this he was trying to stop me he's like hey bro don't be that guy but i was like
42:29nah that i pulled out a ten dollar bill because now i'm like if this man wants to sell buffalo that
42:37bad i'm in the market today i said you know what bro give me ten dollars worth of buffalo sauce
42:46he's like what i said you heard me ten bands right now
42:49he's like what are you serious i said yeah i'm serious you want to be
42:57top buffalo salesman of the month in this let's get you that commission check bro
43:04that's right we're tired god damn it but did he go get my buffalo no he goes and he gets his
43:20manager and now i felt embarrassed because his manager was this little old lady man she don't
43:25got no time for this the woman the woman barely has time at all
43:35but this lady this old lady this is why she's manager she knows how to deal with people like me
43:40she gets these two empty mcdonald's bags and just starts dumping packs of buffalo sauce in them
43:46more than what i needed 28 worth of buffalo at least
43:49at that point even i was like hey like that that's all right i was i was like i think i have
43:56some at the house actually but she kept going she's like nah nah nah you want buffalo like
44:07it's like bitch but i do have to like learn you know to control my emotions because when you're my
44:13high bro life is just different like you move different i go to bars i can't even enjoy being at
44:19a bar like everybody else if i'm at a bar and somebody bumps into me bro i just get bumped into
44:24end the story i'd be like yeah i was watching that episode oh i was watching that episode of spongebob
44:35because i already learned my lesson man one time i was at a bar i'm drinking with a girl we're talking
44:41laughing some dude bumps into me i spilled my drink i turned around swole i was like who the
44:47fuck that guy's in a rush
44:57i really did i learned the lesson the hard way like just control my emotions sometimes i still slip but
45:03for the most part i'll control them because i got humbled one night i got humbled bad man one night
45:10i wasn't even out either this was like five years ago my cousin calls me she was blowing up my phone it's
45:16like 1 30 in the morning she was crying she's like can you get over here i need your help please
45:21my cousin her boyfriend and a bunch of their friends were drinking at some bar
45:26and they got into an argument with some other dudes started some and my cousin was trying to leave but
45:32those dudes wouldn't let them like get their car to the parking lot i think they they like they slashed
45:37their tires or something it was like a big commotion i couldn't really understand it the
45:41bitch was crying all i knew is my cousin's in trouble let me go help i live pretty close by
45:48which i'm assuming is why she called me you know and i pull up i pull up to save the day
45:54at that time i was driving a 1999 chevy impala i love that car man it had a clean brown leather interior
46:04like panty dropper interior the outside of the car had no matching colors
46:12i had like a green hood and like a red door like the outside of the car made you put your pennies back on
46:21but fuck it i was on the inside where dreams are made of
46:23but i pull up and i see all the commotion outside they're all going crazy with them
46:32and i got out the car i said hey y'all get in my car let's just go we'll come back for your car
46:37tomorrow fuck these guys let's just get out of here and they were getting in my car and those
46:41guys were talking shit to us but i didn't really care i'm just ignoring it and until one of those guys
46:47he yelled he yelled something like he was like yeah get that fat bitch in the purple up out of here
46:53oh man i looked around and who's wearing purple my stupid ass cousin i was like bitch of all the
47:04colors on the color wheel like it made me mad man that's my cousin you can't talk about it like that
47:11i turned around so quick i was like who the fuck said that but i should not have done that
47:17if i was smart and not emotional i could have just took a breath looked at my cousin's boyfriend
47:24and been like hey say something bro what the fuck but i got mad too fast i turned around i was like who
47:31the fuck said that the biggest guy in their little crew comes out he's like me motherfucker i don't even
47:39think he was the one that had said it i told him i was like nah hell nah
47:47i said the voices don't even match i was like that was not you it was maybe this five six
47:54little bitch over here what's up bro what's up bro that little boy didn't want nothing plus that
48:08that dude got in my face the big dude got in my face and when someone's right here in your face man
48:13there's no going back and my grandparents like i went into like fight mentality all right my
48:18grandparents they prepared me for moments like this they were realistic the way they raised me they
48:23would always tell me they're like hey you are small and that was it they would just walk off
48:30and no my grandpa would tell me he's like this is in chaparro si te metes en una pelea y te pegan
48:39a ti primero a lo mejor ya no te vas a poder levantar which translates to you're short if you get
48:46in the fight and they hit you first you might not get back up
48:52so his advice to me was if you know that the fight is going to happen you swing first you survive don't
48:57take a chance letting them hit you first you start swinging so when that dude got in my face that's
49:02what i did i start swinging as fast as i can i wasn't doing shit to that man
49:10i hit him like a thousand times his health bar was still on 99 percent
49:17i started getting desperate i even started doing stuff i see on tv i was like yeah yeah come and hum and
49:23huh that man just ate the blast like nothing i got scared i even hit that anime gas i said oh
49:34i said that's impossible
49:39he was a tall dude man he was a big dude i don't even know where to hit him i was i was going for
49:44his head i'm looking for openings in his body i couldn't really hit him he had it easy he just
49:49kept hitting me on the top of my head he's like boom boom boom kept hitting me hitting me i used to
49:54be 5'9 but the motherfucker kept oh he hits me like on the back of my head on one hit and oh my god i
50:11have never been so dizzy in my life i had never been dazed before and i instantly regretted every time i've
50:18yelled at a fighter on tv because you know when you're watching the fight and the dude you're
50:23going for gets knocked down and he's trying to get up but his legs are wobbly and you're just like get
50:27up bitch get up bro you can't you can't like i was trying so hard not to fall he was just whooping me
50:38he was hitting me so hard he was hitting me so hard that on the outside i didn't even know where i was
50:44anymore the world was just spinning but on the inside like i found myself man
50:51i reached this higher level of consciousness as i'm watching the punches come at me
50:56i was just like oh i was like first of all i should have never answered the phones
51:01i was like damn second of all they're out here they didn't even invite me
51:13i saw that i saw this one big ass fist coming i was like damn third of all
51:19my cousin could lose a few pounds
51:21nobody in our family wants to talk to her about her weight and look where it got us that night
51:31the rest of the fight i was just mad about her weight
51:35i was just like oh we need healthier lunch options in the school system
51:42look man i've been in like five fights my whole life all of them there's so much adrenaline i don't
51:48even feel the punches or i feel them a bit but it's it's dudes around my size you know i mean like
51:53i get in a fight with high school kids but this guy and i'm like a little ashamed to admit it but like
52:02fuck it i'm transparent this dude was beating my ass so bad like it was hurting so bad that i was in my
52:10head like talking to myself i was like fuck i was like i have to do something like i have to do
52:16something to this man i was like if he hits me with one more of those i die my gold coins go flying
52:22everywhere like i'm done bro and maybe i do watch too much dragon ball z because in my head my mind
52:32goes to like fuck it i just have to hit him with one final all my power attack everything i have in
52:39this last blow and if we both blow up so be it so with my left i kind of push him off i'm trying to
52:50block hits i'm fending him off with my left but over here i'm charging this bitch up
52:57and i got all this adrenaline going through me you know i mean i'm yelling i don't remember yelling
53:01but my cousin said i was yelling i'm just like i'm thinking about everybody in my life that i love
53:09to make me stronger i'm like i can kind of count his hits because the man hit hard but he didn't
53:21swing fast so i can kind of count them and i was making my little plan i was like all right when he
53:26throws his right i'm gonna use my shoulder and i guess my face i'm gonna roll it off and with that
53:34same energy i'm gonna come back everything i have and if i kill him i kill him
53:44and i'm not a professional fighter i didn't get it on my first try it took a while just like oh like
53:48next one but finally i got it i was like here's this is the one like i got it
53:56i feel it but i was so nervous i yelled my cue out loud i was like now
54:07but i still threw it i threw the hardest fastest punch i've ever thrown in my life i even saw that
54:12bitch on fire a little bit i was like oh i hit him with everything i had i said boom
54:18man i hit the fucking shit out of my car
54:27i dented my own car i couldn't even play it off i was like oh
54:31shit i was like did you see that like you want that bro but that really was my final blow man
54:40because i couldn't even keep my fist like a fist no more my was turning into a taco
54:46i'm like you want some bro i tried to keep going like i tried but that dude he was looking at my hand
54:54and i think he felt bad he's like just go bro just go man i was embarrassed i was mad i was so mad
55:02my car was ugly enough as it was and i did that and then and then my cousin my cousin she's like oh my
55:10gosh she's like are you good i was like get you fat ass in the car
55:19hey man i'm ralph barbosa thank you so much for coming to my special
55:41every now and then i'll think of a joke that i think is funnier in spanish or a little story
55:46that i think is funnier in spanish because eventually i would like to do a little spanish
55:50tour i think that would be cool so i'll run it by my grandma yeah
55:57so i'll run it by my grandma right just see what she thinks and i told her this one and she didn't
56:01like it but if you want i'll tell it to y'all before we go tonight yeah uh he said on a cuenta
56:09the only fans but no no para poner videos yo solamente quiero mirar videos solamente quiero
56:20mirar los videos okay yo soy only fan
56:26pero only fans me asusta me pone muy nervioso porque en mis primeros dos minutos de estar en
56:34only fans encontré a mi favorita actriz una que yo miraba desde porno pero porno ya no está porno está
56:48en el cielo con diosito
56:49pero lo que me lo que me pone nervioso lo que me asusta de only fans es que encontré a la actriz y
57:05compré uno de sus videos y cuando compré el video inmediatamente me mandó un mensaje según ella
57:11puso hola mi amor qué guapo eres porque no me llamas al rato y le puse tú no eres de verdad
57:27tú eres robot pero qué onda baby
57:41y
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