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articanonymous
  • 4 weeks ago
A video uploaded by Kelsey's Corner on (2023-04-06)
Transcript
00:00I grew up in a small town in Ohio, called Wadsworth, Ohio. When I lived there, there was a cinema with one screen that was now closed.
00:23There wasn't a shit ton to do there. And you sort of ride your bike to the woods, and then you ride your bikes to the big Walmart, and then you bully the criminally underpaid Walmart employees, and then you go home.
00:38And that's sort of what you did for 18 years. And then as a hobby, you were religious. That was the fun thing you did on the weekend.
00:46And all through high school, I had a really big crush on this guy named Matt. The whole time I had a girlfriend, we never really hung out like more than one.
00:55So we graduated, and I figured that ship had sailed. Until. After we graduated.
01:01Matt gets in touch with me on Facebook Messenger. It's very romantic.
01:07And he is sort of flirty. We talk for a couple days. He eventually asks me to go get a coffee with him. I, of course, said yes.
01:14I'm 17, about to turn 18. I'm just about to leave home for the first time. I'm like, oh my god, my life is finally beginning.
01:21I'm about to embark on my journey of good living, finally.
01:25So, Matt takes me to the Panera Rep. The epitome of all good living. And, uh, the tone is weird. I'm getting the sense he wants to say something.
01:39And then finally, he goes, Savannah, look. Uh, three nights ago, I had a dream about having. And I woke up from the street in a cold sweat and dead at night, and I scrawled three names onto my arm.
01:54And then I passed back. And when I woke up in the morning, in the cold light of day, I saw those names written down on my arm, and knew that those three people were going to go to hell.
02:18Unless I intervened.
02:20So the date's going great.
02:25I'm having fun. It's normal. What does one say?
02:29I think I went, oh. Thank you for picking me. Like, what are you?
02:35And so basically, he wanted me to convert to Christianity, like, today. And I didn't have time for that.
02:43I, I don't know. I was raised Catholic. I was already over that. And once we get out, we tend not to return.
02:49We've had enough.
02:50Uh, so I'm telling him this, but it varies on the note for 45 minutes.
02:54Uh, this is what the place I grew up did to people, by the way. You're gonna just, like, ask someone out.
03:00You have to be like, I received a message from the underworld in a dream!
03:07I need to baptize you in my mom's bathtub now! And you need to be naked. Like, everyone was just saying crazy shit all the time.
03:18And so I'm like, no, no, no, no. You know, oh, thanks. And he, um, he, this is about a poem, by the way.
03:27He is, is driving me home. And as, like, a last pitch effort, he sort of goes like, look at all of this, which is dangerous to do when you're driving.
03:35But he, he goes, look at all of this! And surely this had to be, like, intelligently designed. Like, it's so, it's so beautiful.
03:41Um, and as he's saying that, we're just coincidentally driving past the world's most, like, desecrated strip mall.
03:48It's awful. Like, there's an active crime scene unfolding in front of a Hobby Lobby. It's just the worst place in the world.
03:56Um, so this poem's about that. Uh, the other need to know, for this one, it's backwards, is that, um, the guy who invented the X-ray is named Wilhelm.
04:09And, uh, he did it, he did it totally on accident. He did not mean to invent the X-ray.
04:20This is called, if I've ever made something new before.
04:26One, it wasn't on purpose. When the boy swears that God loves me, I think I've not even met the guy, but sure, I'd like to.
04:35So this is how I'll spend the impossible day. Captive in a beater driving down West Market as he says,
04:42Look at all of this! Gestures to a strip mall and tell me you don't believe in a creator.
04:48Two, consider superglue. Unintended headway, penicillin, dynamite, Coca-Cola, champagne, Wilhelm chams a mystery ray and calls it X, not divine.
05:00A sparkling current propels atom through atom, green disaster blaze which deems the flesh extraneous and the light understands now.
05:11The broken particles imagined, dominated, even the intimacy too close as ghosts of orderly black appear, revealing what before we had to bleed to know.
05:24Sorry. Sorry. What has he been trying to do again? Three. That shouldn't have been so hard on the strip mall.
05:34What am I asking of it? It's the point anyway that there's sin and miracle and nothing else.
05:39And hey, I clock a robin folding branches into the oaths of the sign on Goodwill, where inside someone buys a stranger's blood-red confession dress.
05:49I want the boy to define accident, then mistake. For fun he'd rally creation and discovery, but look, I'd say don't you feel it, when the sun casts shadows across the ugliest parts of you.
06:05The senselessness, the stumbling, our tipsy sleepwalk into ourselves in the same moment formed and found, and I blink the wet eyes that happened to pour down to the marrow, looking for God, and discover 200 off-white flecks of rubble, of what the earth built, of what was left of heaven.
06:37I have one more Wilhelm baseball for you.
06:42So, this is called Wilhelm Yawp.
06:46So, if you've ever heard of the Wilhelm scream, it's like stock audio that was used, you've definitely heard it in a movie or something, it's used in so many movies that it became like a joke.
06:59Uh, and, uh, Walt Whitman's Barbaric Yawp. Um, I was sounding like Barbaric Yawp over the rooftops with one of these talking about, like, people's, like, untamedness or wildness.
07:12Um, and I liked the idea of a, of a stock audio, uh, untamedness. Um, so this is, this is called Wilhelm Yawp.
07:21You know what I said earlier about, like, poetry being about communication and understanding and stuff?
07:26I wrote this and I was like, bah, whatever.
07:31Forget about that. If they don't get it, they don't get it, goddammit.
07:35Anyway, like many people told me to change the title of this poem, I still have not, so this is called Wilhelm Yawp.
07:44Start with the oofra. No, the needy texts. No, just you.
07:49In the back of a taxi cab, supple and sparkling.
07:54Here you are, poured into your clothes, and wow, you look great.
07:59Go get them, champ. So many liquids and pink little pills.
08:03You try to be tender at least once per day.
08:07You have a dangerous complex.
08:12A miserable birthday.
08:15You know it's not about when you arrive, but how long you stay.
08:19Smell rain, loosened earth, and suspect this phenomenon should be given a name.
08:24You go to the nightclub, and the theme is the human experience.
08:28Choose then to be tender, and uh-oh, bad timing.
08:31But your skin looks killer.
08:33Think satin miniskirts only for this miracle.
08:37You consider the multiverse and make poor decisions.
08:40Not in that order.
08:43Make friends who talk to small, non-human animals as if they're children.
08:48Make sure all your friends are gods.
08:50You want to be loved religiously, and learn to knot a ribbon of light with only your tongue and teeth.
08:56Climb two hundred stairs in the cold to pretend you are the height from which the water falls.
09:02Watch the peak turns curl like possessive apostrophes.
09:06Fall asleep in a clover field.
09:08You synthesize elegies.
09:10Bashfully refuse an effigy.
09:12You become the great sound that wraps around the moon.
09:16You articulate madman.
09:18You void-sucking poet.
09:19You.
09:20You.
09:21You.
09:22You.
09:23You are so afraid that in the middle of your breakup fuck, this life will moan to no confusion some other baby's name.
09:47I forgot to tell you the ending to the math story.
09:50So, um, later in my adult life I learned about something called flirt to convert.
09:57In which, usually Mormon, but sometimes very excitable Christian mission of yours in small towns, uh, will lead you on to try and, like, get you to find God, and then once you find him it doesn't.
10:14Which is the funniest shit I've ever heard.
10:17And that is obviously what was happening to me.
10:20Anyway.
10:21Um, my idea that in a weird time as a teenager, even so, I spent all of my early twenties writing these sort of, like, floaty, whimsical teenager poems as if that was actually what it felt like.
10:32And it wasn't just me doing drugs incorrectly.
10:36And furiously masturbating.
10:39Um, so I wrote a poem about that instead.
10:42This is called, oh my god, girlhood ripened.
10:46Like roadkill in the sun.
10:49Even if we were, for our glorious seventeenth earth year, the subject of all of those songs.
10:56One teenage dream rises from the dead to find her sepulcher full of chirping webcams.
11:03Another streaks across sights bent on the protection of her just direct loneliness.
11:09No one tells the goody two-shoes to take the pot smoke all the way into her gore.
11:15So, while the noble boys cackle at a psychedynic labyrinth, she's just soberly walking through the family planning aisle.
11:25That was me.
11:27I'm a little bitter.
11:29But you know they're all me.
11:32Did all of us not let our virgin boyfriend's tongue expire in our mouths like an invasive species of fish?
11:41Did he not drive us all home long before a curfew?
11:45Did a cyberspace-based taxpayer not make us all his baby muse?
11:51A bouquet of electric toothbrushes shivering in the nightstand gives you away.
11:56And the birthday girl is finally allowed to undress in the mirror.
12:00Now I'm older.
12:03So, the sort of young that knows things.
12:07Like, hurting someone first feels like flying.
12:12And only people who don't write die.
12:15Just grin there at Southern Sugar and look at you out in there.
12:19Oh, I only want to write about tomorrow.
12:22Tomorrow I'll be wiser and scarier and so much harder than the trick.
12:27Oh, it will be the first and only day of my life.
12:35When she lifts her arms to spread her spine because she is so sleepy,
12:39she reveals a belly button shaped like a coin slot through a vending machine that dispenses good time.
12:46She is vividly sexy and precious and dying like the coral reef as photographed for Playboy.
12:55She is moving to a city near you.
12:58She is online now and ready to chat.
13:00We know where she lives.
13:01She is Gorilla Grid.
13:06She is scarce resource.
13:08She is coquettishly pulling your terrible pint and her tweets do not suck.
13:12We would kill ourselves for her.
13:14She has just passed the bar exam and we are so very proud.
13:17She met your parents before you were born.
13:20And it went really well.
13:22Our many ganks include being tied up and then let go over and over.
13:27And she is coming just for you.
13:29Look, she is creating an OnlyFans to which everyone alive will subscribe.
13:34Breaking news.
13:35In a small town, in nowhere, the new world's hottest girl was just born.
13:41And we have exclusive images of her delivery.
13:44Meanwhile, we have decided to crucify the old one.
13:48We are crucifying her in New York and in London.
13:52We are crucifying her on the cover of the Times.
13:55On TMZ, she is being asked what it feels like to hang there.
13:59Understand there is nothing more important than the world's hottest girl.
14:04Her glittery idiot savior, the exquisite God we despised.
14:20I've been talking a lot about the ...
14:24I've been talking a lot about the ...
14:27I've been talking about the ...
14:29Come back.
14:30I've been talking a lot about the internet and sex.
14:34I'm very interested in the intersection between the two. I'm someone who social things I get very overwhelmed by on a day-to-day basis, and I feel like the internet has this whole matrix on top of everything where it's like you feel like you're being close with someone but you're not actually, and so with that I just never know what the fuck is going on.
14:54This is called Everything is Very Complicated. The first cell that wanted something another cell wanted invented despair, and here is something called a thirst trap.
15:06As we speak, the bare digital tits of someone you know hurdle through cyberspace. Our brethren's dicks are lodged in the archives of a phone like popcorn in a tooth.
15:18Oh, I've pulled him before, she says casually, like pulling him is slang for going to an exhibition, or being sad, when really she might have licked his armpit, or cried when she came.
15:30Which, I'm sorry, are different and important things. Your betrothed old unrequited love attends the function and your teeth leave from your head.
15:39You think of the short stretch of time where the mind outlives the body and consider masturbating. The body is a coalition of incompatible miracles. Everyone wants somebody to understand their personality and their childhood and what each of those things has done to the other one.
15:58In the pursuit of this understanding, they embarrass themselves and break many drug laws. The past is encrypted, no one can identify, but everyone's been abducted by and share stories about around campfires. There's only what we've felt, and speculation looks very, very special. Thank you.
16:22So, I'll say that to get you guys to clap for those four lines. Thank you.
16:33Yeah, I have one more for you. It's called Pop Habit. I like to follow the culture of the world.
16:51I like to follow the culture. I like to see what the youths are up to. I'm very afraid of dying.
16:59These are all related statements. I am very afraid of dying. One of the main annoyances I have about it is that I'm not going to get to find out what happens.
17:10That's very upsetting to me. I think a good indication of where we might be headed is to see what the youths are up to.
17:18I always keep my eye out and make sure they're doing okay. I like TikTok. I think it's funny.
17:24I like what it has done to the phenomenon of hyper-relatability or oversharing.
17:33You'll just get on in someone saying the craziest shit you've ever heard in your life.
17:37There'll be a teenage guy going like, I found a video, and the text will be like, I just had a wet dream about my mom. Freud was right.
17:48No one posed you the question, brother. You keep that deep inside.
17:56All the comments are like, yeah, stay strong, my man. Like, what are you doing? How do I not join this club? What do you guys want to do?
18:06Then sometimes you'll see someone say something and you'll be like, oh yeah, me too. I'm not going to tell anyone else that shit, but you know what I'm saying.
18:14So I like that. And I like the trends of my language that happen in the comments. I like how there's like a fortnightly phrase where everyone says that for a bit until you get tired of it.
18:26And then everyone knows exactly what it means and then you ditch it for another fortnightly phrase. That's very fun.
18:32And so I've combined these two ideas. I just, I liked the thought of these things actually being like, very, I don't think personally affecting or something like real and true, like real oversharing.
18:48This is, this is called Top Comment. Thank you guys so much again for coming. This is a lot of fun.
18:56I have never had an original experience in my life. I have sent this to my boyfriend, but you are too pretty. The world is full of the left and the leaving.
19:10The living machine only tries to answer hard questions correctly. The fear harmonized like a grade school choir, trying and full of tomorrows.
19:26Once on vacation, I watched more than a thousand people gather around a pier to take the exact same picture of the sun.
19:36I'm sure this breeze is related to the force that invented consciousness. Would you ever want to find out how many miracles you have left? Or do you want it to be a surprise?
19:51Everyone wants to know if it ever snowed in the town you grew up in. The thought of getting a drink with my mom when she was the age I am now makes me cry.
20:05In my childhood home, small pieces of skin float in the air and catch light rays like human confetti. My friends, I'll use my intelligence to love you better. Young geniuses, accidental astronauts, I'll get to the place where you are. Thank you guys so much.
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