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00:00In the last episode of Soap, Chester and Danny had problems accepting they were actually father and son.
00:06But the biggest problem is their kidney transplant, which makes their other problems seem pretty small.
00:12Bert is so caught up with his own career problems, he's ignoring the problems of his own family, including Mary,
00:18who because of Bert's lack of concern for her problems, seems to have developed a drinking problem.
00:23Jody's problem with finding his daughter seemed to be over when he discovered where she was.
00:27But his problems were only beginning because he and Maggie were captured and thrown into a dungeon,
00:32which in itself is a pretty serious problem.
00:35And even though Mary's problem with Chester happened over 30 years ago,
00:39Jessica is still convinced that her relationship with Mary will always be a problem.
00:45Confused? You won't be after this episode of Soap.
00:53This is the story of two sisters.
00:55Jessica Tate
00:57and Mary Campbell.
01:01These are the Tates.
01:04And these are the Campbells.
01:08And this is Soap.
01:10Yeah?
01:23Yeah, yeah, well, he's very dizzy right now.
01:40I'll try to squeeze you in, but it's not going to be easy.
01:44Who's he talking to?
01:45The president.
01:46Hey, get in there.
01:54Look at this.
01:56Hey, hold it down, will you?
02:00Yeah, dinner next week.
02:01Well, that sounds good.
02:03Who's he talking to?
02:05The president.
02:06The president?
02:06That's nice.
02:07Where's he at?
02:07Uh, in the kitchen.
02:09So listen, Ron, I'm a vegetarian, so just salads, huh?
02:12Jelly beans are okay.
02:14Say hi to the little first lady.
02:15You let your own...
02:16Oh, president.
02:17You got the president.
02:18Give me that.
02:19You must...
02:19Hi, I loved you in Death Valley days.
02:26Hello?
02:26Be hung up?
02:27What's the matter with you?
02:28The president calls and that's it?
02:30Will you relax?
02:31You're having dinner at the White House.
02:33What are you talking about, dinner at the White House?
02:36I want to know.
02:38That's...
02:38Why was he talking to the president?
02:41He's your manager, remember?
02:43Chuck, he cannot be my manager.
02:44Bird, what's the matter?
02:46Bob's my manager.
02:47Oh.
02:48Oh, nice.
02:49You can't be my manager.
02:51Bird, what's that?
02:54Well, I just made the cover of News View.
02:57Isn't that wonderful?
02:59Chuck, look, the cover.
03:01Yeah, who do you think set it up?
03:04Why do they call you Bat Campbell?
03:06I don't know.
03:07It's just they thought that Bat had more bite than Bird,
03:09so they went for the bite instead of the Bird.
03:11Yeah, this is his manager, who's calling.
03:17Do you mean to...
03:17Don't do that.
03:18Hello, it's Bat Campbell here.
03:22Who?
03:23Well, when?
03:27Oh, yeah, well, where?
03:28Well, no, sure, sure, sure.
03:30No, just when, now?
03:32Not now, later.
03:33All right, sure, where?
03:34Bird, what is it?
03:36Okay, right-o, bye-bye.
03:37Who was that?
03:40Norman Mailer.
03:42You just want to know if I'd autograph the book
03:44he just wrote about me.
03:45He hasn't even met you.
03:48Never stopped him before.
03:50Oh, by the way, you're speaking at the police academy tonight,
03:53so get a haircut.
03:55Look, Chuck, please, this is crazy.
03:57Bob cannot be my manager.
03:59What would the president think if he thought
04:00I entrusted my career to that stupid dummy of yours?
04:05Oh, that did it.
04:07I've had it, Chuck.
04:09Get up and walk out of here in a house.
04:12Right.
04:20Dinner at the White House.
04:22Mary, did you ever dream in a million years
04:25you'd have dinner with the president?
04:27Pert, do you realize what you just did?
04:31What?
04:32You insulted them.
04:34Them?
04:34Chuck and Bob.
04:35That was terrible.
04:38Mary, he's a dummy.
04:40Bert, they have lived in this house all this time,
04:42and you have never called him that.
04:44I think that you have to apologize to him.
04:47Uh, which one?
04:48Chuck.
04:49Bert, he's your son.
04:52All right, all right.
04:53I'll apologize, all right?
04:56Just that Bob gets so holier than I when his feelings get hurt.
05:00Bert, what's gotten into you?
05:01No, nothing.
05:02What are you talking about?
05:04I don't think I know you anymore.
05:07No, I'm, Mary, come on, Mary.
05:09I know I seem different to you now because I'm a hero,
05:12but I'm still the same old guy you married, Mary, really.
05:15No, you're not, Bert.
05:16You're not the same.
05:17You've changed.
05:19You're not the same man you were a week ago.
05:21All right, all right, all right.
05:22So I changed a little.
05:24So what, Mary?
05:25Mary, I got a chance now to do something wonderful.
05:28I'm a hero.
05:31People need heroes.
05:33Maybe you don't like the idea that I'm a hero,
05:35but if they need a bad Campbell, they should have a bad Campbell.
05:37Mary, I get a chance to do something good now.
05:42Don't you understand?
05:45No, I don't understand.
05:48I don't understand at all.
05:58Hey, Danny, Danny, hello!
06:17Easy there, Bert.
06:18I'm still a little tender back there.
06:20I'm sorry.
06:20You know, I just forgot.
06:21It's all right.
06:23Bert.
06:25Bye.
06:28Bert.
06:29Bert.
06:30The conquering hero.
06:32Oh, geez, I'm proud of you.
06:35Listen, Dan, I've been sorry to have him around to see you lately,
06:37but, you know, it's...
06:38Don't worry about it.
06:39No problem.
06:41I, uh...
06:42I've been, uh...
06:44I've been reading about you in the newspapers,
06:47and, uh, I saw you on TV.
06:49You know, you look shorter in real life than in person.
06:57Really?
06:58Yeah.
06:59But, uh, you've got a good TV face.
07:01Yeah, your face looks real good.
07:04Of course, it could be the antenna, but, uh, I don't think so.
07:08Well, Dan, how does it feel?
07:11Well, sort of metal.
07:12You know, those two thin metal rods that have to come back in the set.
07:16No, no, no, Dan.
07:18I'm talking about the kidneys.
07:19How's it working?
07:20Oh, well, I really haven't had much of a chance to use it yet.
07:23But, uh, the real test, I guess, would be a couple of margaritas.
07:27But, uh, the doctor says that my body seems to be accepting Chester's kidney.
07:34Hey, Danny, oh, that's terrific.
07:36Yeah, well, the, uh, the trouble is...
07:39I don't know whether I've accepted it yet.
07:44Danny, will you stop thinking of this as Chester's kidney when it was inside Chester?
07:47It was Chester's.
07:48It's inside you.
07:49It's yours.
07:49Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
07:51You know, Bert, I...
07:55I just want to tell you that even though Chester is my real father, that nothing's changed between you and me.
08:03You're still my best buddy.
08:06The guy I look up to and respect.
08:08Hey, Dan.
08:09Oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:11All right, Dan, it's just a man.
08:12Listen, that's right, Dan.
08:13No matter whose kid you are, I'm still your pops here, right?
08:18Yeah.
08:19I'm glad to hear you talk that way because, uh, I've been thinking it over.
08:25What?
08:25Well, I don't want to hurt Chester's feelings.
08:28But I've decided that I want, uh, you to be my best man and Chester can give away the bride.
08:34Does that sound reasonable to you?
08:36Yeah, that sounds fine.
08:37That's reasonable.
08:38Well, what?
08:41Somebody getting married?
08:45Me.
08:47Woo-hoo!
08:48Yes!
08:49Woo!
08:51Hey, boys, is anybody I know?
08:54Of course, Gwen.
08:56Gwen?
08:59Gwen.
09:01Well, sure, who else?
09:03Dan, now listen up here.
09:04The governor wants me to head up his crime task force, right?
09:08Yeah.
09:10So what happens if they find out that, uh, my deputy's wife is a hooker?
09:14I mean, what happens?
09:16What is the credibility?
09:18Oh, big deal.
09:20So we can't buy on credit anymore.
09:24No, no, no, no.
09:29Credibility.
09:30I mean, who's going to entrust this country to a man whose stepson is married to a hooker?
09:33All our hopes, all our dreams, all our good intentions go right down the drain.
09:38And along with them, Danny, the well-being of every American goes down the drain, too.
09:42I don't understand this.
09:45Well, I have to try it again.
09:46Now, the governor has asked me to be the head of this crime task force.
09:48Oh, no, no, I understand that part.
09:52I just can't believe that you're telling me I can't marry the woman I love.
09:56Hey, I know.
09:57I didn't say never marry you.
09:59I'm just saying just wait.
10:00Just a little what?
10:01Well, how long?
10:03Until we wipe out crime in America.
10:10Goodbye, Bert.
10:14Goodbye.
10:15Danny.
10:16Danny.
10:18I'm going home.
10:21I'm going home to ask the woman I love if she'll marry me.
10:26So long, Bat.
10:37Here we go.
10:39Welcome home, Chester.
10:41Whoa.
10:42Whoa.
10:43Oh, I'm sorry.
10:44My stitches.
10:45Be careful.
10:46Your stitches are out, Chester.
10:49So is my kidney.
10:51I have this big, empty hole there.
10:55I keep worrying that my right lung will drop into it.
10:58Now, careful.
11:00Careful.
11:01Okay.
11:03All right.
11:05Can I get you something to eat?
11:07Oh, my doctor says I can only have special things.
11:11Oh, all right.
11:12A little Jell-O.
11:14Okay.
11:15Cherry Jell-O.
11:16Okay.
11:17With a banana cut up in it.
11:19Okay.
11:19And grape juice.
11:21With a straw.
11:22Yeah, okay, okay.
11:24And cinnamon toast.
11:28Hello, Chester.
11:30Hi.
11:30I'm still very weak and have no appetite.
11:36Chester, I'd like to talk to you.
11:39Oh, Chess.
11:40I almost died.
11:42Chester.
11:43Chester, you didn't almost die.
11:46Well, I could have.
11:47I could have.
11:48Well, you're going to be just fine.
11:52Now, Chester, I do need to speak to you.
11:55Oh, Chess.
11:55I could still die.
11:57I could die right on this couch.
12:00Chester.
12:01I know.
12:02You know.
12:06Chess, you have to know that I didn't even know who you were when I was sleeping with Mary.
12:13Really.
12:14I didn't even know your name.
12:15I thought it was Jennifer.
12:19I did.
12:20I thought your name was Jennifer.
12:22Chester, you married me.
12:24You married me without loving me.
12:26And that's really the awful part.
12:29But I fell in love with you, Chess.
12:31I did.
12:33You're right.
12:34Not at first.
12:35At first, I thought you were a nice piece.
12:38And if I had to get married, well, I could do a lot worse.
12:44Always the romantic.
12:47But I fell in love with you, Chess.
12:49I swear I did.
12:50Chester, you certainly had peculiar ways of showing it.
12:54Why?
12:55Because I cheated?
12:57Well, Chess, I'll always cheat.
12:59I can't help it.
13:02I cheated on you.
13:04I cheated on the women I cheated on you with.
13:07I'll cheat on Annie.
13:10Doesn't mean that I didn't love you.
13:12I loved you, Chess.
13:16Guess I always will.
13:17Well, you did grow to love me, Chester?
13:21Very quickly.
13:23And very easily.
13:31Then there's no necessity for forgiveness.
13:33What about Mary?
13:38No.
13:41I can't forgive Mary.
13:45I'd like to, but in my heart, I cannot forgive Mary.
14:01Ja!
14:01Ah-ha!
14:04Ah-ha-ha!
14:07You see?
14:08Now, when you glaze el puerco,
14:10you must always glaze el puerco with long, sweeping strokes.
14:14Juan Juan, would you please demonstrate to General Billy how to glaze?
14:20See that?
14:22Up and down.
14:24Up and down.
14:26It's all in the wrist.
14:27Oh.
14:28Oh.
14:30It's all right.
14:31Ah, Juan Juan, you are a true artista.
14:34The Picasso of puerco.
14:37You are too kind, old great swine.
14:41Why is pig-glazing included in the Malaguean training manual?
14:45Because an army fights on its stomach.
14:47And that is why we will eventually defeat the communists.
14:50Right, Juan Juan?
14:51Si.
14:52The communists don't eat well?
14:54They eat crap.
14:55Or as we say in Malaguean, crapola.
14:59Juan Juan, that will be all.
15:01I can't wait to try it.
15:03It smells delicious.
15:04Oh, no, no, no, no.
15:04This is not for our consumption.
15:06I have prepared this puerco for Saunders.
15:09Why?
15:11Because Saunders doesn't like me very much.
15:13Oh.
15:14Oh, yes, yes, yes.
15:15And I know your mother looks up to him and depends on him, so I want him to like me.
15:19Ah, speak of el diablo.
15:21Ah, don't tell me.
15:23It's a luau.
15:24Saunders, I would like to present to you, in hopes of a lasting friendship, the pride of
15:31my peoples, el puerco del puerco.
15:38Well, I must admit, it does look delicious, and I think I'm delighted by your gesture.
15:44Gracias, senor.
15:45Ah, qué bueno.
15:47We have a little saying in our country.
15:50There is no peace offering so nice as a nice piece of pig.
15:58That's on par with, um, let a smile be your umbrella.
16:04That was lovely.
16:09Hey, Uncle Bert.
16:11Bienvenido, el excelente.
16:13Mariachis, el puerco.
16:17Hey, everybody.
16:18Hola, compay, compay.
16:19Hey, chudiddy, chudiddy, chud.
16:20Como un cañón chico, pero la semana pasada me atacó el flup.
16:23Oh, no siento, ay si ando tardío.
16:25No offense, all right.
16:29El puerco, I need to talk to you.
16:31I got a very special mission, and I need your help.
16:34You need...
16:34I am honored.
16:36Certainly, please.
16:37Juan Juan.
16:44I just got word that Jody and Maggie are being held prisoner in a fortress in Malibu,
16:47and I gotta get them out.
16:49Uncle Bert, why don't you just call the police?
16:51The police?
16:52But you are a hero.
16:53You could call the Marines.
16:54No, no, no, no, no.
16:55I can't do that.
16:56This is a very sticky situation I'm talking about.
17:00Look.
17:00Wendy was...
17:02Wendy was born out of wedlock.
17:08Now, if this hits the papers, and they pick up on Jody's alleged homosexuality, a lot of
17:14people giggered to hurt you.
17:15I don't want anybody getting hurt.
17:17This has got to be done on a QT.
17:19Ah, QT.
17:20All right.
17:24No, I mean, we gotta get in there and get them out as quickly and as quietly as possible.
17:30As you know, I am an expert on guerrilla warfare.
17:33I could possibly give you some ideas.
17:34That's fair.
17:35Well, that's why I'm here.
17:36Ah.
17:40I suggest we assemble our troops and give each one a mission.
17:47Good.
17:48And then, we call Israel and ask them to do it.
17:55You can't call Israel?
17:57I don't speak Hebrew.
17:59Besides, it's Friday after sundown.
18:00Nobody's gonna pick up a phone over there.
18:04That's right.
18:05It's Friday.
18:09Can't run.
18:11At ease, man.
18:12Major.
18:12It has been brought to my attention that the Japanese have landed at Malibu.
18:19Hey, Major.
18:21Now, it's a fact that they can't hold their liquor.
18:24They don't have the stomach for it.
18:27They're too fragile, too wispy.
18:31It's true.
18:32Why do you think they can't grow beards?
18:35We infiltrate their ranks, get them loaded, and then when they're sleeping,
18:40we call the Navy and bomb the beach.
18:45Oh, that's great, Major.
18:48Forget the hooch.
18:51Hey, I got an idea.
18:53Will you guys, please, I don't know.
18:55So long, Sia.
18:56This is a free society.
18:58All have the right to be heard.
18:59Go ahead, Roberto.
19:00Gracias.
19:03Skunks.
19:04We get hundreds and hundreds of skunks.
19:09And we drop them all over the place everywhere.
19:15Where do we get these hundreds and hundreds of skunks?
19:21Well, it's still in the planning stages.
19:26Gentlemen, excuse me if you don't mind my saying so.
19:28I've had some experience in this sort of thing.
19:30Really?
19:31How?
19:31I'm not at liberty to tell.
19:33Come on, Saunders.
19:34Come on.
19:35You're among family.
19:36Please.
19:38Saunders, have you been on rescue missions before?
19:40Saundsia!
19:42Now, trust me.
19:43I know what I'm talking about.
19:45It's what I think we ought to do.
19:47First, we secure the plans to the fortress.
19:50Then we move.
19:53When?
19:55When?
19:55Get rid of them.
19:59Can't you leave them alone already?
20:00You and I got to talk, Winnie.
20:02Hey, what?
20:02I said get rid of them.
20:04One word about this, and I'll kill them.
20:11Hey, Gwen, are you in there?
20:13Uh, don't come in.
20:14I'm naked.
20:19I, uh, thought you said you were naked.
20:21I was.
20:22I just threw this on because I knew you'd come in.
20:24Oh, I've wanted to hold you for so long.
20:31Oh, Danny.
20:33Thank God you're home.
20:35Get out.
20:36What?
20:37Uh, the wine, the champagne.
20:39Get out a bottle and we'll celebrate.
20:42I, uh, I thought you were coming to the hospital today to pick me up.
20:46What happened?
20:46Gwen, I was held up.
20:51Where?
20:53Where?
20:54Here.
20:55No, no, no.
20:56Uh, no, not now.
20:57Uh, when you're all better tonight.
20:59I won't be all better tonight.
21:01I will be.
21:02I'll be more relaxed.
21:03I'm so excited now.
21:05I can't go to bed when I'm excited.
21:09Gwen.
21:10Gwen.
21:10Gwen, I want you to marry me.
21:14Oh, Danny, you do?
21:18Can't.
21:19What?
21:19Um, not today.
21:22Today is bad.
21:23Tomorrow.
21:23I'll marry you tomorrow.
21:25You will?
21:25Yeah, I will.
21:26Now go.
21:27Where?
21:28Uh, to get a, uh, blood test.
21:30I can't marry you without a blood test.
21:31I'm an old-fashioned girl.
21:34Our blood's fine.
21:35I just got out of the hospital.
21:37Then go to the printer because we'll need invitations.
21:40I know.
21:41We'll elope.
21:42I always wanted to elope.
21:44Great, elope.
21:46Now get out.
21:47Why?
21:48Um, we'll need a car.
21:50What for?
21:51So we can elope.
21:52Uh, we can't elope without a car.
21:55Elope.
21:56Boy, that's exciting.
21:57I never eloped before.
21:59Great, me neither.
22:01Now go and get a car and make sure that it's a nice car.
22:05Test drive it for a little while.
22:06But, uh...
22:07And, uh, make sure that it's the right color.
22:09And if it's not the right color, have it painted.
22:12Fine.
22:14Uh, where are you going?
22:15Uh, I need my gun.
22:17Uh, no, you don't.
22:18They take master charge.
22:23I'm a cop, Gwen.
22:25I should always have my gun.
22:26No, it's too dangerous.
22:27You'll get hurt.
22:28No guns.
22:28Not on your first day home.
22:30Just one day without a gun, okay?
22:33Okay.
22:33Go get us a nice car.
22:46See ya.
22:47See ya.
22:47You did just fine, Gwenny.
22:54Don't make me do this.
22:55Sorry, Gwenny.
22:56But if Sheriff Campbell's gonna fight crime, we gotta know how.
23:00We gotta get him first.
23:02And what better way to get info than from the good sheriff's daughter-in-law.
23:06I hate you.
23:07Be nice, Gwenny.
23:09Do like I say.
23:11Then maybe it'll be a long time.
23:13Till death do you part.
23:30Will Saunders plan to rescue Jody and Maggie work?
23:33Or does he just want some time off?
23:35Will Bert actually prevent Danny from marrying Gwen?
23:38Or has someone else beaten him to it?
23:39And what's happening to Bert?
23:41Is he forsaking his family?
23:43Will Gwen forsake Danny?
23:45Will Jessica forgive Mary?
23:47These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap.
23:52Have a great day has come to.
23:59This isema of a place that makes me happy for me.
24:01Is that good?
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