Skip to playerSkip to main content
NovFlo
  • 2 months ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.
00:30Well, I don't know. He's really soft. I really feel terrible.
00:55Do you think that fellow accepted my apology?
00:58I don't think he heard your apology. He was unconscious.
01:02I never saw a guy go down so fast being hit with a tennis ball.
01:06Well, I don't think the ball did it.
01:08I think it's when the ball stunned him and he fell and hit his foot on the net.
01:13Well, you know, this guy, he's really asking for trouble. Now, why was he standing right in front of me?
01:18Because we were playing doubles.
01:21That's where you stand in doubles, but I thought you played this game.
01:25Well, I did. I did. I do. It's just that I haven't played in a long time because of my arm. I got tennis on him.
01:30You mean tennis elbow?
01:33No, it used to be tennis elbow. Then it spread with the whole right side of the body over there.
01:37They call that tennis side.
01:38I don't know. Nobody seems to understand that one.
01:40Well, shall we tell him, Jack?
01:46Sure.
01:47Tell him what?
01:50What we discussed this morning.
01:53Well, Matt, right.
01:56Matt, remember when we talked about you being lieutenant governor and then running for the Senate?
02:00How could I forget?
02:02Well, you could forget. I forgot.
02:07Matt, we did a little investigate.
02:11Now, it's a standard procedure, running a check on somebody in politics.
02:15And, well, we've come up with a few minor problems.
02:20Oh, like what?
02:21Your family.
02:23Oh, my family?
02:25Yeah, you've got a mighty colorful group over there at your house, Matt.
02:30I love that homo son who's become an old Jewish man.
02:35That could get us the Jewish vote.
02:38And, of course, the son that talks to his doll is pretty cute, too.
02:42And that doll talks back. Did you know that?
02:46We have a couple of problems over there, but it's nothing serious.
02:50Well, every once in a while, we come across a family like that.
02:54And the Ozarks, maybe.
02:56Due to a lot of inbreeding.
02:59And relatives marrying each other can sometimes cause it.
03:04I had a fourth cousin once, Rita Mae.
03:07Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.
03:09They all said, stay away from Rita Mae, you'll have children who are idiots.
03:12So I stayed away and married my wife, who wasn't related at all.
03:15And had three children.
03:17All idiots.
03:21He's got the mind of an eggplant.
03:24Now, Matt, we can't run you for office with that family of yours.
03:30The public just won't vote for you.
03:32Well, I mean, do they have to, like, really know about my family?
03:35Well, it's hard to keep stuff from the public because of the damn press.
03:39Nothing's private anymore.
03:40Take that congressman's wife, who was naked in that magazine.
03:44Now, what's that got to do with anything?
03:46That's an example of invasion of privacy.
03:49She was naked.
03:51She posed for them pitchers.
03:54No.
03:54His mother and father must have been brother and sister.
04:02Now, uh, Matt, we do have a solution to the problem.
04:06We can't hide your family from the press, but we can do something else.
04:10We can disassociate you from them.
04:13Oh, what do you mean?
04:15Dump them.
04:17What?
04:1886 them.
04:19What?
04:21Leave them, Matt.
04:23Leave?
04:24Uh, my family.
04:26Well, if you want to be senator, now that's the only way.
04:30Leave them?
04:32Just move to a new house and don't tell them where it is.
04:34It's a big world out there, Matt.
04:39A big world.
04:40And it can be all yours.
04:43Now, what do you say?
04:44Yeah.
05:05Now, remember, Private, we kill him and we get out.
05:08Si.
05:09Okay.
05:10El Puerco, right?
05:14Oh, hello.
05:16You must be from the Malibuayan Liberation Front.
05:20The plans for the revolution are in the top drawer of the bureau.
05:23And I have some subway tokens for you here.
05:27El didn't want you to have to spend your own money on the revolution.
05:30He asked me to give you these subway tokens.
05:32Now, when you get to the Eastside Airline Terminal,
05:35you take the bus marked Kennedy Airport.
05:38Now, let's see.
05:39The fare is $4 a piece.
05:40That's two times four is eight, right?
05:43But you may want to grab a bite to eat.
05:45So, here's $11.
05:48That's it.
05:48Good luck.
05:49Goodbye.
05:52How the hell can we eat on three bucks?
05:56You shut up.
05:57Comrade Sandy, let's find El Puerco and get the heck out of here.
06:01Idiota, do you see El Puerco here?
06:03Don't you think I would have killed him already if he were here?
06:07Still here?
06:08Good.
06:09Gentlemen, I was wondering if you would do me a little favor.
06:14That bureau looks so imposing on that side of the room.
06:19I was wondering if you would mind moving it right down here.
06:24You see, it will keep the room balanced.
06:28Oh.
06:30Good.
06:30See, House Beautiful says be sure the room is balanced.
06:34Easy.
06:34Good.
06:35Now, this little dresser here, you see,
06:37that can take the place of the bureau against the wall.
06:40Those are priceless.
06:44Here we are.
06:44Way against the wall.
06:46Good.
06:46Fine.
06:47All right.
06:47I'm so sorry to ask you to do this,
06:49but my husband and I are divorced and El is off somewhere.
06:52He's not here?
06:53No.
06:54He and his men went to Miami to plan the assassination of Luis Sandia.
06:59Did you hear that?
07:00He's going to kill you.
07:02Not if I kill him first.
07:03No.
07:04You weren't listening.
07:05El is going to kill him.
07:07You won't have to kill him at all.
07:08Now, if you could just take the lamp,
07:10put it on the left side of the dresser.
07:11Be careful.
07:12It's an antique.
07:13Are you the one they call red?
07:15Yes.
07:16You are the woman who freed El Puerco.
07:17Yes.
07:19I have some news for you.
07:20All bad.
07:21Don't tell me.
07:22I know what it is.
07:25It looks terrible there, right?
07:28No.
07:29Actually.
07:30Oh, no.
07:31You're sweet.
07:32But you're right.
07:32It looked much better where it was.
07:34So, do you, Mommy?
07:35Yes.
07:36I'll get it.
07:37Don't be balanced.
07:38It would be better.
07:39The lamp.
07:40Antique.
07:41Right.
07:42Just right back where that was over.
07:44You better say something.
07:46My disc is slipping.
07:48Oh, red.
07:49Do you mind if I call you red?
07:51Si.
07:52I'm afraid that after we are through with this,
07:55I will have to take you back to Malaguay with me.
07:58This is Luis Sania.
07:59He's the leader of the communist movement.
08:01His orders were to either kill El Puerco
08:03or take the red-haired liberator hostage.
08:05I'm on mute.
08:06Is that it?
08:06Comrade, I am so flattered.
08:11Really, I am.
08:12But I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to go back with you tonight.
08:15You ain't got no choice.
08:17Quite frankly, I am really not crazy about your government.
08:23Hey, that's okay.
08:24Oh, see, the communists don't believe in God or investment tax credits.
08:33Anyway, it's impossible for me to go to Malaguay with you tonight.
08:36I have a nail appointment in the morning.
08:38So, you see, it makes it virtually impossible.
08:41Lady.
08:41Plus which I do not have the vaguest notion of what to pack.
08:45Oh, I mean, is it summer there?
08:51Is it winter?
08:53It's balmy.
08:5470 degrees.
08:55Springs from the north, northeast.
08:56Private.
08:57Clear skies with a 20% chance of bright.
09:01Idiota.
09:01I'll tell you what.
09:03You go first, and I'll come tomorrow.
09:06I'll join you later.
09:07Really, I will.
09:08And then with my nails done and my wardrobe carefully planned, I'll look so much more attractive.
09:15Nispa?
09:16Lady.
09:17You don't come nice.
09:19We have to tie you up.
09:21Oh.
09:23All right.
09:25But first I have to call the nail lady, otherwise I get charged.
09:31I think you're stalling.
09:33Look, Sandy, this is really a dumb idea on your part, because El Tuerco is going to rescue me.
09:42He is going to come after me in a second.
09:45That's just what we're counting on.
09:50I don't believe it, big guy.
10:05I don't believe it.
10:07Dutch, I know you're upset.
10:09We're all upset.
10:10You just have to try to keep calm.
10:12But they kidnapped her!
10:14Well, I know that, Dutch.
10:17They took her.
10:18Oh, my God, I can't stand it!
10:20I can't stand it!
10:22Dutch, stop crying.
10:26But they took her!
10:27They took her!
10:28Oh, my God!
10:29I'm not crying!
10:31Oh, don't let me interrupt you.
10:38It's Anders.
10:39Yes?
10:39It is imperative that the phone lines be kept open at all times.
10:43We must be ready for any word from Mrs. Tate.
10:46If that is anybody but the kidnappers, the CIA, or the FBI, hang up.
10:51Hello?
10:53It's your tailor.
10:54I'll take it in the kitchen.
10:55Any more news?
10:59Yes.
11:02Bert called from the bus depot, and he picked up the kidnappers' note, like they said.
11:10Did he read it?
11:11I don't think so.
11:12It probably wasn't addressed to him.
11:15If it wasn't, he wouldn't read it, because that's a federal offense.
11:20I knew a guy in jail once who was there because he tampered with the U.S. men.
11:26Son of a bitch!
11:29Here we are.
11:29I came back as soon as I heard the news.
11:32Well, we had a duel.
11:35I was in Miami.
11:35Look, never mind about that.
11:36What's happening with Jesse Casino?
11:37Never mind about that.
11:38A man challenges me to a duel, and he says, never mind about that.
11:41All right, all right.
11:42I will make it up to you.
11:43I promise, yes.
11:43We'll have breakfast, and then I'll shoot you.
11:46What's the latest news on Mother?
11:48She was kidnapped!
11:49What besides that?
11:51Well, nothing much besides the kidnapping.
11:53It's been kind of slow around here.
11:56Your uncle, Fred, is going to get the kidnappers' instructions for us.
11:59Oh, Uncle Bert.
12:02Bat.
12:03What's up, Uncle Bert?
12:04Bat.
12:05Hi, Uncle Bert.
12:05Her name's Bat.
12:06Uncle Bat.
12:07Hello?
12:08Please.
12:09Please be straight with me.
12:10Sure.
12:11They kidnapped her because of me, didn't they?
12:13Of course they did.
12:15If it weren't for you, she'd be here now.
12:17Listen, if it wasn't for you treating her so lousy, she never would have left you in the first place.
12:21You animal.
12:22You slut.
12:23Come on, come on, come on, come on.
12:29I love doing that.
12:43Major.
12:44There you are.
12:45You know that I do have the kidnappers' instructions here.
12:48Oh, would you like to go on?
12:49Sit down, everybody.
12:50Sit down.
12:50Please, read that.
12:51Yes, please.
12:52Listen to the bird.
12:53Let us know.
12:54Read it.
12:54Go ahead, Bat.
12:56Read it.
13:01Hi there.
13:01Oh, God.
13:02It sounds terrible already.
13:04We have taken the red-headed one known as Red.
13:08We hauled her horses until you...
13:10I believe that word was hostage.
13:17Hostage until you send us help work.
13:19I knew they really wanted you.
13:21Oh, I knew it.
13:22I knew it.
13:22So long, Theo.
13:24Theo Bird.
13:24So you give him and we give back Red to you.
13:28And what if we refuse?
13:29If you refuse, we will kill her.
13:31Oh, my God.
13:32Are they going to get in touch with us?
13:34We are going to get in touch with you.
13:36When?
13:36Soon.
13:38It's signed the kidnappers.
13:40What are we going to do?
13:42It's obvious.
13:42I will return to Malaguay as a human time bomb.
13:49When Jessica is safely aboard the plane and headed home,
13:52Juan Juan will trip the switch.
13:53Eka-boom!
13:53Excuse me.
13:56I will die contented,
13:58knowing that we will take along a few of those communist dogs with us.
14:01Uh, excuse me.
14:04We will trade our life for hers.
14:08Good luck.
14:09See ya.
14:10You cannot do this thing, El Puerco.
14:12Yes, you can.
14:13This is the woman I love, Juan Juan.
14:15This is the woman he loves, Juan Juan.
14:17Oh?
14:18And what about the loves of a peoples?
14:20What about the loves of your country?
14:22Is it not more important to rid the world of this foul curse than to save one person?
14:29Which is the greater responsibility, your woman or your country?
14:33So I shouldn't go?
14:38You have to!
14:39You'll kill her if you don't go.
14:41I will go.
14:42I will lead the counterattack.
14:44Who will go with me?
14:45I'll go.
14:45You have homework.
14:49I'll lead the counterattack.
14:51This is my revolution.
14:52It's my mother.
14:53Damn it, I said I'll go.
14:55She's the mother of my children.
14:56It's only fair.
14:57Of course, we are divorced, and I'm not a well man, really.
15:01You can't lead an attack.
15:03You have no experience at these sorts of things.
15:04And besides, I have to shoot you before I go.
15:06Oh, uh...
15:07Well, Dutch can go.
15:08I'll go.
15:09I broke out of prison.
15:10I can break into a country.
15:11I'll do it.
15:11What's the matter with you people?
15:13You cannot counterattack.
15:15They will kill Jessica as soon as they finish killing you.
15:19This is a job for the government, not for you guys.
15:21Yes, it would seem fairly difficult to attack an entire country with six people.
15:26We'll spread out!
15:27No, I think they don't have to do it.
15:30Will you think for a minute here?
15:34We don't know that Jessica is even in Maligoy.
15:37We don't even know if Jessica is alive.
15:47So what do we do in the meantime?
15:53Wait.
15:53Wait.
15:53What do we do in the meantime?
16:13Lady.
16:14Lady, what's the matter?
16:16Nothing.
16:17Yeah, I can see that.
16:19There's so much joy in this kitchen, I can't stand it.
16:23Here, have a piece of candy.
16:25No.
16:27It's nougats.
16:29No.
16:30It's very good.
16:31Goes right through my teeth, leaves some holes, then goes directly to my heart where it sits.
16:37Like the Raka Gibraltar.
16:39Hope they invent heart transplants soon.
16:43I already have.
16:44You're kidding.
16:45No.
16:46I can get a new heart?
16:48Whoa, where do I go for that?
16:50Corvettes?
16:50You can't buy one.
16:54Someone has to donate one.
16:56Oh.
16:57I bet there's a hell of a crowd rushing to do that.
17:00Here, take my heart.
17:02Nah, take my.
17:03Mine's better than that heart.
17:04You call that a heart?
17:06Pooey on that heart.
17:08You feel better now, right?
17:12My life is a mess.
17:14That's the way it's supposed to be.
17:16Come on.
17:18Yeah.
17:18Then God come up with his great design.
17:21You think of his nice need organized?
17:23Please.
17:24The guy was an abstract expressionist.
17:27Life was a mishmash.
17:30Mine is more than that.
17:32It's a disaster.
17:34My marriage, my family, my life.
17:36It's all going to hell.
17:38It's a test.
17:39God tests.
17:41No kidding.
17:42Sure.
17:43What else is he going to do all day?
17:45Play rocket ball?
17:48He's got to keep himself busy.
17:50So he tests.
17:52Well, how come he's conducting all the tests in this house?
17:56Traffic.
17:59It's easy for him to stay put.
18:01Anyway, he tested a lot more on my friend Boris.
18:07Hey, talk about tests.
18:08Poor guy.
18:10First, the Cossacks ravaged his wife.
18:13But since she looked like a herring, it was more of a test for the Cossacks.
18:22Then, he had a daughter who had moles on her face the size of rubles.
18:28His mother went around all day in the wheelbarrow, and he had a son who had more than a passing
18:38interest in shepherds.
18:44But, Boris knew this was just God's test.
18:58So what did he do?
18:59He vetched.
19:01He whined.
19:02Started going to the track.
19:06Don't pay attention to God's tests.
19:09My, uh, first wife, Franja, used to like to make me crazy.
19:17She'd do little things to annoy me.
19:19Like, uh, spit out her food on my plate.
19:28I ignored her.
19:29She stopped.
19:31So, ignore God's tests.
19:34He'll stop.
19:36Ignore.
19:44My baby may be an alien.
19:45My husband is never here.
19:47And my son...
19:50is an old man.
19:51I had a friend who used to sigh like that.
19:58Boris.
19:59Ah, Moshe.
20:01He'd come to your house, say a few words, and blow your candles out.
20:04If he was having a bad day, he'd leave entire villages in the dark.
20:20Lady, don't think what you're thinking.
20:24It'll get better.
20:29And when it does,
20:31you ought to be here.
20:34So don't think what you're thinking.
20:38You're a smart guy.
20:41I'm 90 and I'm a Jew.
20:42It's a hell of a combination.
20:47Oh, Jody, will you ever come back?
20:50Still with the Jody stuff.
20:51Lady, I'll tell you what.
20:54I'll be your son.
20:56You want me to be your son?
20:58Hmm?
20:59I'll be your son.
21:00Okay?
21:01But please, no more, Mr. Jody.
21:03Jody is a name for a bunny rabbit.
21:08A pussy cat.
21:11You're still the same.
21:15Jody, Julius, young, old.
21:20You still got the same heart.
21:23Give me a bagel.
21:26Now, what we're going to do is a Serpico number on Campbell.
21:43He'll get a tip.
21:44I love that movie, Serpico.
21:48Well, get a tip.
21:49There's going to be a big drug transaction.
21:52I love that dog.
21:53But you know, you got to brush dogs like that every day.
21:55They get snarls.
21:56So, Campbell gets a tip.
22:00He comes here.
22:01When he walks in, you blast him.
22:04And I mean blast him.
22:06I want him dead.
22:07Completely dead.
22:08No, partially dead.
22:11Of course, completely dead, you moron.
22:14Because Serpico wasn't completely dead.
22:17They missed his brain and he's living in Russia.
22:20He's living in Switzerland.
22:22And I want Campbell completely dead.
22:25Not wounded.
22:26Dead.
22:28No mistakes.
22:29Bring me his ear.
22:46Will Mary ever accept Jody as an old Jewish man?
22:50Will they start going to temple together?
22:52Will Bert leave his family for politics?
22:54Will he live to leave them?
22:56Can Jessica survive as a hostage?
22:58Can her kidnapper survive Jessica as a hostage?
23:01How long must the family wait to find out?
23:04Will they ever see Jessica again?
23:07These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap.
23:28Soap.
23:37itas
23:45Hi, guys.
Be the first to comment
Add your comment