- 5 months ago
An examination of mental illness from the point of view of residents in a St. Paul home, who deal with not only their psychological demons but also social stigma.
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00:00Thy kingdom come. The Frontline, originally scheduled to air at this time, has been postponed.
00:07It will be broadcast at a later date.
00:16Funding for Frontline is provided by this station and other public television stations nationwide,
00:22and by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
00:25Tonight, on Frontline, the pain and isolation of mental illness.
00:31See, I'm mentally ill, I'm hard of hearing, and I'm different. See, I got all that on me.
00:38One out of five American adults is mentally ill. How do they feel about their lives?
00:43Little kids laugh at me, think I'm a clown. That hurts.
00:48They are alone and afraid.
00:52I'm not going to start crying here.
00:55Tonight, people caught in psychological storms, a matter of the mind.
01:08From the network of public television stations,
01:11a presentation of KCTS Seattle,
01:14WNET New York,
01:16WPBT Miami,
01:17WTVS Detroit,
01:19and WGBH Boston.
01:21This is Frontline,
01:24with Judy Woodruff.
01:29Good evening.
01:31Millions of Americans are mentally ill.
01:34They live in a world that is fragile and often frightening.
01:38The costs of mental illness to both individuals and society are enormous,
01:43and yet we know so little about it.
01:45Its victims seem different and strange.
01:49Historically, we have tried to hide the mentally ill.
01:52Our fear and ignorance have added to their isolation, suffering, and guilt,
01:57and that of their families.
02:00Tonight, in a special rebroadcast,
02:03you're going to get to know some people with severe forms of mental illness.
02:07In their own words,
02:09you will hear how they struggle
02:10against psychological demons
02:13and confront the social stigma of their disease.
02:17Our program is called
02:18A Matter of the Mind.
02:21It's produced and directed
02:22by Robert Thurber
02:24of WCCO-TV
02:25in Minneapolis.
02:27This is Central Manor.
02:33It's a halfway house in St. Paul, Minnesota.
02:37For the 60 to 70 people who live here,
02:39it offers a safe haven
02:41after the battering and turmoil
02:43of a psychological storm.
02:45Most of the residents
02:46have been hospitalized before,
02:48many more than once.
02:50It's impossible to know how quickly
02:52or how completely
02:53the wounds of the mind may heal.
02:55Some of the residents
02:57stay for only a few months.
02:59Others stay for years.
03:03Come on in.
03:04When Nancy was a child,
03:05her parents thought her behavior was odd.
03:08And when she was 12,
03:10they put her in a state institution,
03:11where she remained until she was 18.
03:14Have you ever received so many dollars
03:16in all your life?
03:18This one in the yellow
03:19is my favorite.
03:21This one's my second favorite.
03:23Where's that from?
03:27Uh, France.
03:28Made in France.
03:31How long have you been
03:32collecting these dolls?
03:3312 dolls.
03:3412 years.
03:35It'll be 13 years in February.
03:3913 years I've collected dolls.
03:42What do you like about them so much?
03:46They're pretty to look at.
03:48They're pretty to look at.
03:52Who are those people up there?
03:54My niece and nephew.
03:56Here they are over here.
03:58That's Kathy.
04:01Kathy.
04:01And here's...
04:04Here's David.
04:07He's 8 years old now.
04:10This is his recent one.
04:13Mm-hmm.
04:13He's my brother's little boy.
04:15Uh-huh.
04:16And that's my brother's little girl.
04:18She's 13 now.
04:21And that's me.
04:24That's me.
04:26Nancy has lived most of her life
04:28within the mental health system,
04:30separated from her family.
04:31Recently, she lost all her hearing.
04:34She can understand others
04:35only by lip-reading.
04:36Here's a bride and groom.
04:39Some people that I know.
04:41My brother's wife's brother.
04:46And that's his wife.
04:47It's dusty.
04:52And then here's my father.
04:55He's a nice-looking man
04:57for his age.
04:59I take three kind...
05:02I take four pills, really.
05:04Artane, Stalazine, Melorel,
05:07and Pavara.
05:08Those are the only four I take.
05:13But if I didn't take that medicine,
05:15I'd have to go to an institution.
05:17I really would.
05:20Like nearly all the other residents
05:21of Central Manor,
05:22Nancy relies on medication
05:24to help control her illness.
05:26These neuroleptic drugs
05:28don't cure mental illness.
05:30They only help to subdue its symptoms
05:32and make life more manageable.
05:34But frequently,
05:35they produce unpleasant side effects.
05:37Drowsiness,
05:38blurred vision,
05:39muscle tremors,
05:40dry mouth,
05:41weight gain,
05:42and slurred speech,
05:43to name just a few.
05:44Although many side effects
05:46can be kept in check
05:47with additional medications,
05:48there is a danger
05:49in long-term use of these drugs.
05:52They can cause
05:53permanent nerve damage.
05:55Despite 30 years of debate
05:57over the use of neuroleptics,
05:59professional opinion
06:00weighs heavily in their favor.
06:03And most of the people
06:03at Central Manor
06:04told us the side effects
06:05are worth it
06:06if the medication
06:07can protect them
06:08from the horrors
06:09of the disease.
06:11Observe, run,
06:12for stiffness,
06:14med reaction.
06:15Yeah.
06:17Anything from the other day,
06:18was it a toxic reaction
06:19by any chance?
06:20He was looking better
06:21when I saw him
06:22and he was looking better
06:23yet when somebody else
06:23saw him later in the day.
06:24Okay, good.
06:26I think he's probably
06:27just made contact with him,
06:30continued to draw him back
06:31into reality,
06:32talk about realistic things
06:34with him.
06:36He's responsive
06:37if somebody's there
06:39to respond to him,
06:40but he's not going
06:40to seek anyone out.
06:41Right.
06:41So we've got to,
06:42when we see him,
06:44seek him out.
06:45Give him good feedback
06:46if he's not isolating himself, too.
06:47Mm-hmm.
06:47And how they found out
06:50that I was manic-depressive
06:53was by me thinking
06:56where my reality
06:58and my fantasy
06:59meld mixed together.
07:02And I thought I could
07:04transport myself
07:06into another century
07:07and just escape
07:08from everybody.
07:09and this method
07:14does not work.
07:21When I'm sick,
07:23I can't pull them apart.
07:25I can't say,
07:26whoa, Rick, stop.
07:29Cool down.
07:30That's when I'm getting sick
07:35and that's when
07:37the hospital may be needed.
07:40When I can pull myself,
07:42when I can,
07:43I might start this,
07:46start swinging
07:47an Adam's sword
07:48or something,
07:50and I just
07:51prance around.
07:54But I can keep myself
07:56from going under.
07:57then,
07:59then that means
08:01that I'm healthier.
08:02I can,
08:04I've learned how to,
08:10how to differentiate
08:11from fantasy
08:12and reality.
08:15And this is my
08:17Artane.
08:18What does Artane do?
08:22Artane,
08:23I forgot.
08:28I'll give it a shot.
08:30I could be wrong,
08:31but I'll give it a shot.
08:32It blocks the shaking.
08:34Right,
08:34it's for side effects.
08:36Side effects.
08:37What does lithium do?
08:40It controls my,
08:42my...
08:43Rick was first hospitalized
08:44shortly after he graduated
08:46from high school.
08:47He's lucky
08:48because his family
08:49has stayed close to him.
08:51Before he goes home
08:52for a weekend visit,
08:53Rick and his social worker
08:54review his medications.
08:56Her job
08:57is to help him
08:58learn how to live
08:59with his illness.
09:00What does
09:01stelazine do?
09:03You wouldn't accept it
09:04if I said I wouldn't,
09:05I don't know, right?
09:07I want you to give it
09:08a guess.
09:09Okay.
09:12I think it's also
09:13for side effects.
09:15Okay.
09:17See if any of this
09:18sounds familiar,
09:19and when you remember,
09:21interrupt me
09:22and finish it off.
09:24Okay.
09:24Stelazine is an
09:25anti-psychotic drug.
09:27Oh, yeah.
09:29Do you want to continue?
09:31No.
09:34Sorry.
09:36Do you remember?
09:37I remember that part now.
09:39It's an anti-psychotic drug.
09:41I still don't know
09:42what it does,
09:43but I don't know
09:44what an anti-psychotic drug is.
09:46What it does
09:47is changes
09:48some of the chemicals
09:49in your brain
09:50so that it helps
09:52you to think
09:53more clearly.
09:55And if you have
09:57delusions
09:58or hallucinations,
10:01it would make
10:02those go away.
10:03there's none in here.
10:15Yeah, I've got one.
10:17More in here?
10:17Yeah.
10:20Mike is the father
10:21of three young sons.
10:22Two are from his first marriage
10:24and one is from his second.
10:27Both marriages broke up
10:29because of Mike's
10:30chronic mental health problems.
10:31He feels lucky
10:33because his second wife
10:34brings his youngest son
10:35by for frequent visits.
10:38Where's going?
10:38It was just a lot of paranoia
10:40and a lot of scary thoughts
10:41that I've had,
10:42you know,
10:43and they were really hard
10:44to deal with
10:45and I didn't take
10:46my medication too,
10:47so that had a lot
10:48to do with it.
10:49Now I'm on medications
10:50and I feel
10:51like I can handle it
10:53now pretty much.
10:55You know,
10:55I know what's real
10:56and what isn't real.
10:57Before I didn't know
10:58what was real
10:59and what wasn't real.
11:01Was that scary?
11:03Oh, yeah.
11:04It really is.
11:06I don't know,
11:07it was just like
11:08if I had a real close friend
11:09to talk to or something
11:10it wouldn't have been so bad
11:11but I didn't have nobody
11:12to talk to or nothing.
11:14Not having my wife there,
11:17not having my little boy
11:18there anymore,
11:19you know,
11:19being all alone
11:20and not having a family
11:21and having no direction
11:23or purpose or anything,
11:25just being,
11:26it's being out of control.
11:28It's just,
11:29you can't explain it,
11:30it's just all unreal.
11:32You know,
11:33all the stuff that you think,
11:34everything you think of
11:35as a fantasy,
11:36I mean,
11:36comes true
11:37only it's in your mind,
11:39it's not visually
11:40but it's in your mind
11:41and it's there,
11:43you know,
11:43and you can't,
11:45you can't see the realness
11:49or the unrealness of it.
11:51and I keep having
11:52these breakdowns,
11:53I've had them for 15 years.
11:56You know,
11:56I got to go on medications
11:57and then I get off them
11:58and then I go back
11:59on medications
12:00and I go off them
12:01and I get back on them.
12:02You know,
12:03I want to get off them.
12:05I don't,
12:05or I don't want to get off
12:07the medications,
12:07I want to,
12:08I want to get normal.
12:09I want to,
12:10I want to be like you guys,
12:12you know,
12:13I want to be out there
12:14in the world
12:14and experiencing
12:15normal things
12:16and normal behaviors
12:18and normal,
12:19normal people.
12:21and,
12:22uh,
12:26you want to come up here?
12:28You know what?
12:28What is,
12:29tell me,
12:29what does Michael mean to you?
12:31Michael?
12:32Yeah.
12:35Well,
12:35he means a lot to me.
12:36He means,
12:38he means my future.
12:44Um,
12:45he's in my plans
12:48for the future
12:49as far as
12:51buying him stuff
12:52and being with him
12:54and growing up
12:55with him
12:55from time to time.
13:00What does he do for you?
13:02I just think
13:02in terms of how
13:03he makes you feel.
13:04Brings tears to my eyes.
13:08He always does that.
13:10Gets me emotional.
13:11No.
13:12I'm not a big red.
13:16Yeah.
13:20Can I make a ball
13:22spoole?
13:23Pool?
13:24You want to play pool?
13:26Yeah.
13:26All right.
13:28He means a lot to me.
13:29How often do you get to see him, Mike?
13:37Oh, just about any time I want to.
13:41My wife knows I was a good father to him.
13:47See, I've been away from God for about two weeks, you know what I mean?
13:51God.
13:52And I thought that everything bad seems to happen to me, you know what I mean?
13:57And I'm praying to God all the time, and nothing happens for the good, you know.
14:01So I went away from God for two weeks, and now I'm back with him.
14:07Have things gotten better?
14:09Yeah, things are.
14:11But I don't know, see, how to say it, because, see, I'm mentally ill, I'm hard of hearing, and I'm different.
14:20See, I got all that on me.
14:21Nobody else could survive my life.
14:23Nobody.
14:23Nobody.
14:26But when you pray, do you feel God listens?
14:29When, what, what?
14:30When you pray, do you feel God listens?
14:33God listens?
14:35But I don't.
14:38Then why do you continue to pray?
14:42Because I think he's got a mission for me, you know what I mean?
14:46There must be some reason why I had to suffer all my life, see?
14:53And in Catholic religion, or I know, I know about their own religions, but they teach that the more suffering you go to, the more heavily you are and the more pious you are, you know what I mean?
15:04And still believe in God.
15:05That's hard, you know.
15:16At one time, Maureen was married to Ron.
15:20Although they have been divorced for a few years, they still rely on each other for support and companionship.
15:26It's difficult for them when they are separated and not placed in the same mental health facility.
15:30They've been together at Central Manor now for almost two months.
15:33Because people look at me different and they shun me, you know what I mean?
15:38And that's why I have everything bad happen to me, because, you know, the people, people just don't go with me, you know.
15:45There's some, I mean, that I can't communicate and, you know, they don't want nothing to do with me.
15:54We have known each other for about 11 years.
15:5912 years about, I'll be told in about April or something like that.
16:03I'll be here as well.
16:05I'll be here as well.
16:07I'll be here as well.
16:10I'll be here as well.
16:14Are you very close?
16:17Yeah, very close.
16:18Extremely close.
16:22How does Ron help you?
16:26Well, let's see, let's see.
16:30Support.
16:30Yeah, he gives me support and, uh, I don't know, he shows me that, you know, I don't know, he had a life like me. He's like me, that's why. He's like me.
16:43What do you need from her?
16:45What do I need?
16:52It's about being holstered.
16:55You know, I have companionship, you know.
16:58This rug, this rug takes a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of skill.
17:15Well, I don't know what you're doing in order to do these rugs.
17:21I learned how in high school.
17:24I made a purple rug in high school.
17:27The purple rug was this big.
17:31It was a little kid's rug.
17:35It had a picture of a clown.
17:38I made that for my sister when she was pregnant.
17:40Janet was just a child when she was stricken with Tourette's syndrome, a disease of the nervous system that causes her to make sudden movements and sounds that she cannot control.
17:53But Janet has other problems as well.
17:55She scratches the skin off her face, arms, and legs whenever she gets nervous and upset.
18:00And she is addicted to alcohol.
18:02Well, I say, nigger, I had a stretch in her.
18:06Nigger, I had a stretch in her since I was a grade school child, about nine years old.
18:13First I started out grunting.
18:15And as I got older, I used to go like this, like this one, breasts.
18:21And I used to go like this, like a dancer.
18:25Now I just, nigger, I say, nigger.
18:27And I get a stick tongue out once in a while.
18:30And when I get my, when I get that month, it gets worse.
18:34Otherwise, the hell of all is taking care of the rest.
18:39That's all I got to say.
18:41I've been in a lot of hospitals for that.
18:43Had a lot of blood tests.
18:46Had a lot of brain scans.
18:52People that don't know it's strange, it's like I'm crazy.
18:55Sometimes I think it's because I can't get a boyfriend because of Trett's syndrome.
19:01Unless I get a man who has it.
19:06Nobody else wants me to say.
19:08I wanted to ask you, how do you deal with this syndrome?
19:12How do you try to live with it?
19:14What do you have to do?
19:15Take medicine.
19:18That's all I can do.
19:19There's something I can do about it.
19:20I can't, I can't do nothing about it.
19:24I wish there was a cure.
19:28Is there anything else you'd like to tell us to help us understand better so that when you say that strangers don't understand,
19:36what would you want them to understand about it?
19:38I want them to know I can't help what I do.
19:41Sometimes I swear.
19:43Sometimes I go, ah, or ding.
19:45That's part of the nerve problem.
19:50I say dance like that.
19:54Kind of funny, ain't it?
19:56But it's not to me.
19:59How does it make you feel?
20:00How do you feel about it?
20:01Sometimes I'm sad about it.
20:03But nothing I can do, I say.
20:04Well, that's about all.
20:13Can't think.
20:14Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, is my mother.
20:16My mother had a stroke on January 1st of 1984, a year ago.
20:22Now she's in Birchwood Nursing Home.
20:26I like to, I like to go see her again.
20:29Sometimes I cry for my mother.
20:30What do you want to do, John?
20:35What would you like to do for the rest of your life?
20:37Clean.
20:38I like to clean.
20:39I love to clean.
20:42I always want to become a dancer, though.
20:48Can you imagine me on television, dancing?
20:52Dance.
20:53Dance!
20:54It'll be fun.
20:57Do you do much dancing here?
20:58Whenever there's a party, but I can never find a partner.
21:02So I don't want to dance unless I've got a partner.
21:07Seems like I've got to dance to the broom or something, but I can't find a partner.
21:11This is lithium, and this is not a street drug.
21:21I want that to be known.
21:23And I use that mainly for my, I guess it's low lithium in the brain.
21:28So I take more lithium to balance it out.
21:32I think that's how it goes.
21:33I'm not sure.
21:34So I'm going to take this right now.
21:49That's it.
21:50And do you notice a significant difference when you're on your medication and taking it regularly?
21:56Definitely.
21:57I would either be too depressed to get out of bed without my medication.
22:02Or too high to really get anything accomplished.
22:14Do you ever have difficulty feeling a sense of belonging or not belonging to the family, friends, the community?
22:23Yeah, I have a difficulty because what I'm feeling is not just depression, but it's a fear of failure.
22:35Like you've just made your family, or you disgraced your family.
22:46You just can't see anybody.
22:48It's so unacceptable.
22:52It's so, I don't know, it's so unexplainable.
22:56I didn't know what was happening to me.
22:58It was felt, it was like water rushing from my body.
23:02And I couldn't gather it up again.
23:06I don't know, it's, it was a long time ago.
23:10Is this difficult for you to talk about now?
23:12Yeah.
23:13Okay.
23:13And you know, people can get me upset easy because of the way I am, you understand?
23:20No two people are the same.
23:22I know, but I'm not like anybody, all right?
23:25Nobody.
23:26That's right.
23:26And they know they can get to me, see?
23:29They know they can get to me.
23:31It's okay to get mad, but it's not okay to be as mad as you've been for the last three days.
23:38It's not okay to live here.
23:39It's okay to be that mad, but not to live here and be that mad.
23:42Because what happens...
23:43Well, what are you doing, kicking me out then or what?
23:44No, I'm not kicking you out.
23:46Yeah?
23:46I'm putting out a little warning flag so that you know what the stakes are.
23:52So, why not?
23:53So that you know what's going on.
23:55I'm saying that the way you're...
23:57You're going to kick me out, right?
23:58Nope.
23:59Nope.
23:59I'm not saying I'm going to kick you out, but I'm saying that the situation right now
24:04needs to change.
24:06Right, I know it.
24:08It needs to change.
24:09I know that, but I can't help it, you see?
24:11I cannot help it.
24:12I would be like that if I could.
24:14All these people are on my ass, you know what I mean?
24:16They're on my ass.
24:18You know it.
24:19I believe that you think that they're all on your ass.
24:22Mm-hmm.
24:24I believe that you think that.
24:25It isn't that way?
24:26I don't believe everyone's after you.
24:30Most of them, then.
24:32Most of them.
24:34It's a time that burns me.
24:37Have you ever had a time to burn me?
24:41Eve is shy, and the world is a threatening place for her.
24:45It takes a long time before she is able to trust someone and feel safe.
24:53Want to use the cup, please?
24:55No.
24:57No?
24:58Well, make sure you tell me and show me what you got.
25:01Okay.
25:02Well, you're on meds.
25:05Then you have all the so-called side effects or whatever the meds involved.
25:10You've been on them in the first place.
25:13And then, you know, why you got on the meds.
25:18So, if you're acting crazy.
25:20But I don't think you...
25:21I never acted crazy, and I was put on meds, but they say I was.
25:26I remember I was living with Colin Robert Murphy up near Wadena, where my sister and her husband live, and four kids.
25:35And we were on a farm, and one day, we had a pink house.
25:41We painted red.
25:42Kyle.
25:43That's what I called him.
25:45Kyle.
25:46And I went out on the side porch, and I started having ceremonies for...
25:55It was a ritual.
25:57This was off meds and off anything.
26:00I wasn't even smoking herb, marijuana, as they call it, or anything.
26:06And that's what my mother would want me to say, to make sure I wasn't on some...
26:13But, you know, it's not that you do anyway.
26:19But anyway, I buried all these skeletons in a ritual.
26:27And the next thing I knew, I was down in...
26:32There were skeletons.
26:36There were bugs and things.
26:37I was down in St. Mary's Hospital.
26:45They brought me down to St. Mary's.
26:48And I stayed there, and then that was the end of Kyle.
26:51And...
26:52I was into the hospitals, and that was in 1973.
27:10And I haven't been out since.
27:12Okay, Maya, check your scratches again for tomorrow.
27:38He's really old already.
27:40Come on.
27:40Okay, don't pick him.
27:42Okay.
27:44Show me your arms, too.
27:45That happened a week ago.
27:47A week ago?
27:48Okay.
27:49See, that's an old scratch.
27:52How did the doctor tell you to take care of these?
27:56By putting cream on it.
27:58What else did he say?
27:59Don't pick him.
28:00Don't scratch no more.
28:02Right.
28:02What else did he say?
28:04He prescribed some medicine for menstrual cramps.
28:06Okay, what else did he say about your scratches?
28:09We almost cut it.
28:11Nothing.
28:11That's about all.
28:12Don't pick them.
28:13Don't scratch.
28:13Yeah, he said, don't put band-aids on them, too.
28:17Right?
28:17Yeah, that's right.
28:18Let the air get at it.
28:19Yeah, so they can heal faster that way.
28:22They're itching right now.
28:23Okay.
28:24What are you going to do about the itching?
28:27Put cream on it.
28:30Remember what Cliff Olya told you, too?
28:32That when they itch, just to pat them.
28:35When they touch, that hurts.
28:37Okay, sorry.
28:37Okay.
28:38Sorry.
28:40Hey!
28:42Oh, shit, please.
28:44A lot of them?
28:45Yep.
28:45Yep.
28:45Mike used to hold down as many as two or three jobs at a time.
28:59He supported his family, owned his own home, and had some country property outside of town.
29:18Now, he has nothing.
29:21He works in the kitchen one afternoon a week for some pocket money.
29:25Mike, do you live here, too?
29:27Yeah, I live here, too.
29:28Could you read the first page of the letter, the one that you wrote?
29:33Read the first page?
29:33Yes.
29:34Bob, you said you wanted to understand me.
29:39If you read this, you will understand me better.
29:43When I did something wrong, my mother would say to me, Nancy, I am going to tell your father
29:51and let him give you another spanking when he comes home.
29:55So I waited for him to come home and spank me.
29:59I was always afraid of him.
30:01My father didn't hug me after he spanked me or say, Daddy, sorry he had to spank you.
30:09Now, after I'm grown up, I still feel I should be spanked by other people, though.
30:16That's probably why I want to hurt others or myself, to do something bad so I can get a spanking for it
30:25and knowing I'm still loved.
30:28How do you want people to love you?
30:31By spanking me.
30:33That's the only thing I want so much.
30:38Why is that better than being hugged?
30:41Why is that better than being hugged?
30:43Because you get closer to the person.
30:47Get closer to the person that way.
30:49Just like a person having sex feels cared for.
30:56They want to be loved so they have sex together.
31:02And they feel loved about that.
31:05Well, this is the way it makes me feel.
31:08Loved.
31:09I want it and I dream about it and think about it and want it, just like a girl wants sex with a boy, you know?
31:17Well, that's the way I'll always be, probably.
31:21But I lost all my real friends because of being in this system.
31:29They just, my family has kind of let go of me.
31:35You know, they don't do things with me or anything.
31:39Kind of leave me out in the open, you know?
31:42They don't, I don't know.
31:45We're just not that close anymore.
31:48If I always thought myself mentally ill, I would have no hope for myself.
31:54That's exactly the point.
31:56I want to crack myself out of that shell by acting goofy.
32:02It's not the right way, I know that.
32:05But I do that.
32:06But what happens when you act goofy?
32:09Well, then everybody thinks I'm a nut.
32:11And why do they think that?
32:13Because they think they're seeing the real me.
32:18A lot of people, Rich, who have your diagnosis, you know, manic depression, have that problem.
32:26They think because being manic makes them feel good that it's okay and it's healthy to be that way.
32:35And it's not.
32:37It's false.
32:38It's not real.
32:39My world is going to start caving in on me.
32:44When I have to go out in the world and get a job, I can't be fantasizing.
32:50I have to be the reality of Rick Holzacker.
32:53When I get a girlfriend, I have to talk to her like I am, not like, like I am Rick Holzacker.
33:01I can't be John Wayne or Elvis Presley.
33:05They won't accept me that way.
33:07They might accept me by being myself.
33:10That's a real hard thing for me to do.
33:13Because a lot of myself is so undeterminable.
33:18It's so iffy.
33:19I've been hurt with my reality life that I just slip in my fantasy life and everything is okay.
33:29I can't tell the future, but I do know that the longer you try to live in your fantasies that way,
33:40the harder it's going to be to develop who the real Rick Holzacker is.
33:47I'm sure it's right, what you're saying.
33:49I know it's not wrong, but I have a hard time at times accepting that.
33:56It has come from inside.
33:58I'm not going to start crying here.
34:07We had a good session.
34:09If you want to cry, go ahead.
34:12No, my eyes are watering.
34:14That's enough.
34:16I mean, I don't want to start crying now.
34:18It's a good time.
34:19It's a good time talking to you and getting this out in the open and getting me to realize this.
34:24Oh, Rick, Rick, that's shit.
34:26It's not a good time at all.
34:28Like, I'm destroying, or at least trying to destroy,
34:34something that you've got a lot of comfort and enjoyment out of.
34:37That's not a good time.
34:38My fantasy life is like an easy chair.
34:43And I've just been trying to take a hatchet to it.
34:47Not getting much luck, are you?
34:50Well, I think you have.
34:53I like this.
34:55I do, too.
34:56Eve is an artist.
35:00She was trained to be a painter.
35:02As you see the painting evolve, does it change much for you?
35:05Well, it constantly changes.
35:08I mean, as you progress,
35:10and you just pick up what...
35:14Like, I didn't think I was going to use yellow at the beginning,
35:17but it turned out to be the color that I wanted the most at the end.
35:21You can't tell what you're going to do at the beginning of the painting.
35:24And you pick up what...
35:26I mean, you see, it was many layers ago that I did this pink.
35:30Although she has tried several times, Eve has not been able to paint for the last few years.
35:35Having an idea in your mind and putting it on black and white, whether you paint in red and orange.
35:46Put it down on paper and see it form a new reality from what you saw it in when you originally conceived painting it.
36:11I mean, you can just...
36:13I mean, you can just...
36:14A lot of my painting is just abstract.
36:17Not abstract, but...
36:19Well, representational of something else.
36:25But it has no...
36:28You can't see...
36:31I don't want to talk.
36:32Is that okay?
36:38Sure.
36:57You know, they sit around there and they gossip and everything like that.
37:00Usually about me.
37:06What do you think they're talking about?
37:09Well, probably different ways to bug me.
37:14Look at them trying to bug me.
37:16Look at that guy who's trying to bug me.
37:19See?
37:21They're stupid.
37:22Really stupid, those people over there.
37:24They're stupid.
37:26These people are so low mentality, honest to God, really.
37:29You know what I mean?
37:31And they got their nerve to bug me.
37:35Everything seems so hateful.
37:37I mean, the people seem so hateful.
37:39And I don't know if that's my imagination, but you know what I mean?
37:42Do you have any family around, Maureen?
37:48Yes, I do.
37:48I got seven sisters.
37:50Do you get to see them much?
37:52No, I don't want to see them.
37:58They hate me anyway, my family.
38:00No, I'm not going to wave off your tongue.
38:08Come here.
38:08When Mike asks you about the time that you were living here, what are you going to explain
38:14to them?
38:15I don't know.
38:16I don't know what to tell them.
38:18It's really embarrassing.
38:20I'll have to explain to them, you know, someday about it.
38:23Same with my other two boys, that I do have a problem, that I'm schizophrenic.
38:28I hope they love me just the way I am.
38:33I always wanted the best for my boys.
38:36You know, I wanted to do exactly what was right for them.
38:40You know, I can do it for them.
38:42At least I can do it for them.
38:44Let them know they got a good dad.
38:48Nigger, nigger, nigger.
38:50Ain't my mother a nice-looking mother in this picture?
38:54Ain't my mother a nice-looking woman?
38:57Mama.
38:58Mama.
39:00Mama.
39:02How about that picture up on the wall there, Dance Fever?
39:04Dink!
39:05That's a nigger, nigger.
39:06That's a ballerina.
39:08Picture of a ballet dancer I threw.
39:12I seen her on Dance Fever, and I thought she was so cute dancing like that, I wanted to
39:17keep it.
39:18That's why I like dancing.
39:20That's why I got a ballerina on the wall, because I like to see her dance.
39:26Dink!
39:28Here's a picture of my kitty cat and a puppy dog.
39:32Here's a picture of Brian.
39:33Here's the workshop I threw the other day.
39:36Basketball court, parking lot, and me.
39:38What does that say in the, uh, in between there?
39:42Hey, foxy mop handle mama, that's me.
39:45Each weekday, Janet attends a living skills workshop at a local community center.
39:50Here's a good mop.
39:51She prides herself on her cleaning talents.
39:54This is a beautiful mop.
39:56This mop is tearing off.
39:57It's loose.
39:58Come on.
40:02Well, so far, a mop ain't streaking.
40:04Oh, there it's streaking.
40:06See what I mean about this dumb mop that streaks?
40:09Come on, mop.
40:10Quit streaking, mop.
40:12Mop.
40:12I don't mind mopping floors, but no mop streaks.
40:16I don't like it.
40:18It ain't me, it's the mop.
40:21I told my boss to get some new mops.
40:24For your rag mops.
40:26Not stupid old, dumb old sponge mop.
40:29Don't mop.
40:35There, the floor looks beautiful.
40:45That's why they call me mop handle mama.
40:59I like to knit.
41:01It's relaxing.
41:04I like to do needlepoint and embroidery and counter cross stitch and rug hooking and Swedish weaving and crocheting.
41:22I'm proud of my work because then I can give it to someone who I love.
41:29What I have to do is make a life out there for me.
41:45There's no life out there.
41:46This is the life in here.
41:48That's what I live in.
41:51And that's what I trap myself in.
41:54And if I don't break out of it, I'll never have a normal life.
41:59Oh, look at the flower.
42:04Look at that flower.
42:06Exquisite.
42:07Oh, God, I wish my mom could see this.
42:11Rick attends a pre-vocational program four days a week.
42:16It doesn't teach him specific job skills, but focuses instead on how to behave appropriately once he has a job.
42:22Set it right in there just like that.
42:24Put it back where you got it.
42:27That's fine.
42:27That's fine.
42:28Read it over.
42:29Get an idea of what it's about.
42:30If you have any questions, ask me that we can sit down and fill it out.
42:33Oh, all right.
42:33But this is also on the supplemental assistance, the MSA.
42:36Oh, I see.
42:37So that'll go along with the Social Security stuff.
42:40You can keep this to keep it in.
42:42All right.
42:43After more than six months at Central Manor, Mike decided he wanted to move out and live on his own.
42:48He asked his social worker to help him make his plans.
42:51I don't want to fill it out before then, but why don't you take some time, read it over.
42:54Any questions, let me know.
42:57All right.
42:58See you later.
42:58Yeah.
42:59First, they went to the public housing agency so Mike could apply for an apartment.
43:04We'll fill out an application.
43:06And then after that, you'll be interviewed by one of the rental people, rental technicians.
43:11Oh, all right.
43:12And, uh...
43:13You have no savings account, no checking account, no U.S. savings bonds, no stocks, no real estate, no cash.
43:27No.
43:27I got some cash on me, a little bit.
43:30I got about $30, something like that.
43:32But not cash in excess of $100?
43:34No.
43:35Do you own any real estate?
43:37No, I don't.
43:38Do you have a business?
43:39No.
43:40Have you disposed of any assets for less than fair market value in the last two years?
43:44No.
43:45Okay.
43:46You're getting Social Security $4.90 a month?
43:49Right.
43:50Is that Social Security disability?
43:51Right.
43:53Are you disabled or handicapped?
43:55I'm disabled.
43:56And what is your disability?
43:58Emotional illness.
44:02Later in the week, Mike went by himself to the welfare office to make sure all his financial records were up to date.
44:09Okay.
44:10Your wife, this is where she's living right now?
44:12Right.
44:13Okay.
44:13As soon as that divorce becomes finalized, I want you to send in a copy of the divorce decree.
44:20All right.
44:21Okay.
44:21I'm afraid of failing.
44:26I'm afraid of not being able to make it and be in the same boat again in a year from now.
44:30I'm scared of all them things.
44:33If I go out there, I want to do it this time.
44:35I want to be able to hold down a job and I want to be able to support my kid, give him a little bit of money.
44:40I've had a lot of normal times in my lifetime.
44:42I've had a lot of good jobs.
44:44I've had a home.
44:45Now it's just, you know, I don't have nothing.
44:49And that's scary not having nothing.
44:50No money, no home, no car, you know, not a family, no more.
44:56I'm out of control, you know, in that sense.
45:00I don't have a grip on life.
45:05My name is Deke Branch-Ovlin.
45:07I'm a social worker from Central Manor.
45:09I'd like to make an appointment for Maureen to see Dr. Lin as soon as possible
45:14because she's feeling like a need for a change.
45:17It's pretty urgent.
45:18I'm agreeing with her.
45:19She's a real, she's real agitated right now.
45:21Safety, that's pretty urgent, you know what I mean?
45:24Yeah, nothing sooner than that.
45:27It will be another week before Maureen can get to see her psychiatrist's nurse
45:30and two weeks before she can see her psychiatrist.
45:33So Wednesday at 9.
45:39I'm out of control.
46:09I don't look like Cuban.
46:21I usually pray about me and Ronnie sticking together and helping each other out too, you know.
46:26That's the most important.
46:30I like the picture of the Virgin Mary, you know.
46:34That's the one I like.
46:35Makes you feel good, you know, that's all.
46:40You know, it makes you feel good.
46:43I'll always be like this.
46:44I'll always have a bed like this all my life.
46:47You know, that's the way it is.
46:49Because of the way I am.
46:53But without Ronnie, I could not exist, you know.
46:57I survived.
46:58I mean, survived.
46:59Exist, I could, but not in the vibe.
47:00Come on, don't think of that, Mary.
47:05Come on.
47:06Ma'am?
47:08Ma'am?
47:10Ma'am?
47:11Ma'am?
47:15Ma'am?
47:17All right, just a minute.
47:18I'm done.
47:19Let's speed it up a little bit.
47:21I'm done.
47:29Hey, I see ya.
47:32Hey.
47:37Don't go out there.
47:38No, I won't.
47:39No.
47:40Okay, come on.
47:41Right here.
47:43They say I'm schizophrenic, which I am.
47:45I know that.
47:47Eight to a minute, I am.
47:48Uh-huh.
47:52Look, Daddy.
47:53Oh.
47:54Right here.
47:56Be careful, Mike.
47:58Getting paranoid about people.
48:00What they think of me and, you know, all that kind of stuff.
48:04They think I'm crazy or they think I'm weird or whatever.
48:08I guess I worry about that a lot.
48:11Seems like I'm fighting for my sanity all the time.
48:18This tab is better than Jack Daniels.
48:38Better than beer.
48:40I drink this every time I buy something to drink.
48:46Oh, this is good.
48:47Wait till I get some more money.
48:48I might buy something.
48:49A whole case of it.
48:51And have it up in my room and treat me, guys.
48:56Well, you got a cup.
48:57And you put some ice in a cup.
48:59At least I can drink the pop out of this.
49:01A large cup.
49:03A 12-ounce cup.
49:06Thanks a lot.
49:06I'm going to go somewhere else and talk with you guys.
49:13Why don't you buy us some ice cream?
49:16You tell me what's going on.
49:17We're getting a document.
49:19We're going to see something.
49:20Yeah, on me.
49:22A few days before, the manager told us,
49:25Janet caused a disturbance by swearing
49:27when the restaurant was full at lunchtime.
49:30He told her to leave.
49:34I was sitting at a cigarette.
49:37There's no ashtrays on those tables over there.
49:41Don't worry, I won't be.
49:42I'll talk to those boys.
49:43Um, one of the reasons I ask is because
49:46during our rush hour and lunch hour,
49:48she came in and made a lot of trouble for her customers.
49:52Okay.
49:52And so, I don't want to end up on long end of it.
49:55Sure.
49:55I appreciate that.
49:57Okay, I want to find out who's going on.
49:58Okay.
49:59I understand.
50:00Because I'm trying to run a business and she's in there.
50:03Don't come back.
50:04What if I do?
50:05Then what are you going to do?
50:06What are you going to do?
50:07Call the cops?
50:08I've been in jail before.
50:10I don't want to go again.
50:12What would I do wrong?
50:13I was just one of those set down.
50:15I just come from work.
50:16Although she disturbed no one today,
50:19the manager told her to leave again.
50:21Don't you ever do it again or I'll sue you.
50:25They don't want me that much.
50:26Don't.
50:26Please, man.
50:29Yes, sir.
50:29Some guy threw me out of the very thin and stuff.
50:32And I was talking to myself.
50:34You were?
50:35I was talking.
50:36Let's go talk to yourself on the place.
50:37Where do you want to go?
50:38Where are you headed for?
50:39I want to sit down and have a problem.
50:42I got to throw it through.
50:43Okay.
50:44Why don't you come this way?
50:45We'll sit down.
50:45We're here.
50:47I don't know why they threw me out.
50:48I wasn't doing nothing.
50:52What would you like to tell them?
50:54Tell them sorry how I'm being.
50:57And they say,
50:58that's all right.
50:58We know you can't help it.
50:59I'd be happier.
51:01Little kids laugh at me,
51:03think I'm a clown.
51:04That hurts.
51:05They just look at me funny
51:07and turn their heads.
51:09I don't want to talk about that.
51:10It hurts me.
51:11Well, there's nothing I can do about it.
51:13Just deal with it the best way I can.
51:26I don't want to tell the whole world
51:37that I'm mentally ill
51:38or that I'm crazy.
51:39I want to go out in the world
51:43and I want to show them
51:44that I can go out in the world
51:46and not act crazy.
51:48And I can still fantasize
51:51but keep it to myself
51:53and not use other people
51:55who might not understand.
51:57I cried three times
52:01until they go in my room.
52:06I dreamt that my...
52:07Nigger!
52:07Nigger!
52:08I dreamt that my mother
52:09ran out on me.
52:13What makes you happy?
52:15What do you like?
52:17Dancing.
52:18I say dance.
52:20Dancing.
52:22Dancing makes you laugh.
52:27The ballet is the prettiest thing.
52:29It's beautiful.
52:31What's the prettiest thing about the ballet?
52:33Don't pick, Janet.
52:34Don't pick.
52:36The plie.
52:38Let me go like...
52:39Let me go like this.
52:42Like this.
52:48I like ballet so much
52:50I dream about it sometimes.
52:51Mostly I dream about my mother.
52:56Because I feel that I can never
52:58get another spanking from anyone, you know?
53:01So I think about jumping out the window
53:03or dying in bed.
53:06And I think I deserve to be loved, don't you?
53:10Very much so.
53:12Do you ever think that you actually would kill yourself?
53:17Well...
53:18I have thought of it real, real, real, real deep.
53:26Yes, I believe I would.
53:34Over a year has passed since we first met the residents of Central Manor.
53:38Their lives have changed.
53:40Nancy left Central Manor and now is living semi-independently in an apartment with some supervision.
53:49Rick took an overdose of sleeping pills.
53:51Rick took an overdose of sleeping pills.
53:53Fortunately, he didn't seriously hurt himself.
53:56He was recently hospitalized and now lives at another halfway house in St. Paul.
54:02Janet has had her ups and downs with alcohol and drug abuse.
54:07At one point, she was hospitalized for a time.
54:11Currently, she lives at the same halfway house as Rick.
54:14Eve is now living at a halfway house in the northern rural area of Minnesota.
54:23Soon after this program was completed, Mike decided to move out.
54:27He said he was getting better and he no longer needed the support of the mental health system.
54:32But within a week, he put himself back into the hospital.
54:36Last we heard, he was living in a room at the YMCA.
54:39It seems like this is sort of like the last stop before we're out on the street, you know.
54:47It's like a slow death.
54:49They'll probably kill people like us because we're different.
54:53You know what I mean?
54:56Ron and Maureen separated, and Ron now is in a state mental hospital in Minnesota.
55:03Maureen, after continued deterioration of her condition,
55:06also had to be committed to a state mental hospital.
55:17Last year, Central Manor closed.
55:19There was no longer enough money to keep up the old building.
55:24The residents were slowly placed in other facilities.
55:27But finding space in a financially strained mental health system hasn't been easy.
55:32And finding neighborhoods willing to accept places like Central Manor also is no easy task.
55:40The people we met tonight desperately need to know they have not been abandoned.
55:45They tell us they need to know whether or not they recover.
55:50Someone cares.
55:52Please join us again for Frontline.
55:54I'm Judy Woodruff.
55:56Good night.
55:56Next week on Frontline, they fought this country's first integrated war.
56:03Black Vietnam veterans.
56:05They were young, mostly poor, mostly undereducated.
56:09The foot soldiers of a mean and dirty war.
56:12And the targets of enemies that were not always Vietnamese.
56:16Did you see a cross burned in Vietnam?
56:18Yeah.
56:19Where?
56:19I burned my hut.
56:20Watch the bloods of Naa.
56:22Watch the bloods of Naa.
56:22Watch the bloods of Naa.
56:50For a transcript of this program, please send $4 to Frontline, Box 322, Boston, Massachusetts, 02134.
57:10Frontline is produced for the documentary consortium by WGBH Boston, which is solely responsible for its content.
57:17Funding for Frontline was provided by this station and other public television stations nationwide, and by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
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