- 4 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I'll see you next time.
00:00:30You're about to hear one of the strangest stories in military history.
00:00:51I know because it happened to me, Captain Jason Briggs, Army career man for 23 years,
00:00:56no visible scars. At least until that day we were flying some 30,000 feet over a very empty section
00:01:03of the Blue Pacific. Along for the ride was Sergeant Ben Healey, my second command since
00:01:09I was stationed in Seoul. A good tough man, but a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.
00:01:15Corporal Buzz Branigan was up front at the controls, helping me escort three of the
00:01:21sorriest excuses for soldiers it had ever been my displeasure to meet.
00:01:26Private Wilbur Tabowski, or Turbo as the others called him. To me, he was just another prisoner
00:01:31headed for military court in San Diego. They said Private Wayne Kincaid was the brain, but
00:01:37the kid looked as lost as his cohorts. Like Turbo, he was facing charges for going AWOL.
00:01:44And finally, there was Schemer, a pathetic, shiftless recruit who certainly lived up to
00:01:48his name. According to the report from Honolulu Command, he was the mastermind behind the theft
00:01:54of the tank that got Turbo and the brain in hot water. Little did we know that we were all
00:01:59about to find ourselves in hot water, with little hope for survival.
00:02:03What's going on?
00:02:05Better stop it in back there, guys. We're going to have the ditch.
00:02:13What the heck? What is it?
00:02:29Please, God, let it be club man.
00:02:57I wouldn't get your hopes up, John. According to the map, this place doesn't even exist.
00:03:02What are you saying, Lieutenant?
00:03:05What I'm saying is, this island is completely uncharted.
00:03:10Well, men, we made it back to good old Terra Firma, no matter what your charts say.
00:03:15Hey, Cap, look! It's our stuff! How'd it get here?
00:03:18Same way we did, that weird current.
00:03:20What do we do now, sir?
00:03:21First things first. Let's see what kind of supplies survived the crash. Hopefully there's
00:03:26something we can use.
00:03:38Oh!
00:03:39Hey, we got a first aid kit.
00:03:41And K-rations!
00:03:43And weapons!
00:03:46And playpen. This is something we can really use.
00:03:49Here's what I've been looking for.
00:03:51Transmitter.
00:03:52You think it still works?
00:03:52The batteries are still okay.
00:04:01Hey, look!
00:04:03What?
00:04:04I thought I saw something!
00:04:06Where?
00:04:07There! It ain't a cave!
00:04:09What was it?
00:04:11I'm not sure.
00:04:13Whatever it was, I'll flush it out.
00:04:15Hold it, Sergeant.
00:04:16We're too low on ammo for you to waste it.
00:04:19That's an order.
00:04:20Sir.
00:04:20What did this thing live in?
00:04:23I know it's gonna sound crazy, but it looked like a...
00:04:28Nah.
00:04:29It couldn't have been.
00:04:30It must be my imagination.
00:04:34Kincaid!
00:04:35Yes, Captain?
00:04:37How's Buzz?
00:04:38Why don't you ask him, sir?
00:04:39How you doing, soldier?
00:04:47Hey, okay, Cap.
00:04:49Just one thing.
00:04:50What?
00:04:51Sure could use a smoke.
00:04:54Here you go, buddy.
00:05:02What are his chances?
00:05:05Not good.
00:05:06We've got to move him inland.
00:05:07Get him out of the sun.
00:05:08Yeah.
00:05:09Private?
00:05:10Grab some weapons.
00:05:12Healey, give us a hand.
00:05:28Let's move around that point.
00:05:34We're gonna have to go in the drink again.
00:05:36Come on, let's hustle with that.
00:05:38Kencaid?
00:05:40I want you to find the lookout.
00:05:41Here, take this.
00:05:42Right, Captain.
00:05:43Come on, let's go.
00:05:46It's all clear.
00:05:47Bring around.
00:05:48Wayne, stay here with Buzz and do what you can for him.
00:06:01We'll scout around and see if we can find something to make a stretcher.
00:06:19Let's go.
00:06:20We'll be right out.
00:06:22Let's go.
00:06:23Let's go.
00:06:26strange looking trees
00:06:42never seen anything like them
00:06:44probably poisonous
00:06:46why don't you take a bite and find out sarge
00:06:48why don't you bite my ass schemer
00:06:49you know according to my map
00:06:51the spot that we're looking for should be
00:06:54right over here
00:06:55is everything a joke to you son
00:06:57just my career sir
00:06:59it won't be after this mission
00:07:01how much farther are we going
00:07:13why did you join this man's army in the
00:07:16first place all you do is bitch
00:07:17i thought it would be more like hogan's
00:07:19heroes or f troop
00:07:20besides i heard you get laid a lot
00:07:21you do
00:07:22captain are you sure arming these men is such a good idea
00:07:40they are under house arrest
00:07:41there's no telling what we'll run into
00:07:43captain can we take a break
00:07:45what's your problem now
00:07:47i gotta go to the can
00:07:49fall out
00:07:50fall down is more like it
00:07:54have you got any water left
00:07:59on your feet man stay alert
00:08:13five bucks says he caught himself in the air
00:08:17five bucks says he caught himself in a zipper
00:08:29captain
00:08:30oh captain
00:08:32we're on the way in here
00:08:33yeah
00:08:34those aren't waves crashing schemer
00:08:36sounds more like splashing
00:08:39it's coming from over there
00:08:43get your stuff
00:08:44yabba-dabba-doo
00:08:57what did i tell you
00:09:10we're all that side of the bank
00:09:12it's eight-time creature
00:09:13and they came up out of the ocean
00:09:15check out the hooters on those bait
00:09:18this beats k-rations
00:09:19what the hell was that
00:09:22all right back to the beach double time
00:09:24there they are now
00:09:26come on let's go
00:09:27take a run for it buzz
00:09:30come on let's go
00:09:57open fire
00:10:17damn it that's an order
00:10:19give me the gun
00:10:20watch
00:10:30watch them
00:10:32catch them
00:10:41первыми
00:10:42little
00:10:43oh
00:10:44oh
00:10:44oh
00:10:46oh
00:10:47Oh, shit.
00:11:13You all right, Lieutenant?
00:11:15Yeah.
00:11:16I think so.
00:11:17Guys, what about them?
00:11:20I say we introduce ourselves.
00:11:22Not so fast, Schemer.
00:11:23These women are savages.
00:11:24I'm counting on it.
00:11:25Sergeant is right.
00:11:26We may not be welcome.
00:11:27Who cares?
00:11:27We're the army.
00:11:29Uncle Sam expects a certain amount of cavorting and pillaging.
00:11:32Surrender.
00:11:34You speak English.
00:11:35Surrender or die.
00:11:37You speak English very well.
00:11:38Which one of you is Uncle Sam?
00:11:41Uncle Sam?
00:11:42The leader you spoke of.
00:11:45What do you want him for?
00:11:46We want to kill him.
00:11:48Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into, Sam.
00:11:51Excuse me, ma'am.
00:11:53I'm the leader of this unit.
00:11:55Captain Jason Briggs, United States Army.
00:11:57I do not know these words you speak.
00:12:00You are men.
00:12:01Are you not?
00:12:03Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm all men.
00:12:07You must come with us.
00:12:08Excuse me.
00:12:09You don't give orders here.
00:12:10I do.
00:12:11What's so funny?
00:12:14Men giving orders.
00:12:17Everyone knows you are brainless beast.
00:12:19Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names can never hurt us.
00:12:22We have sticks.
00:12:23And stones.
00:12:24Let's break some bones.
00:12:25Hold it, Healy.
00:12:26We'll go peacefully.
00:12:27I'm sorry I froze back there, Captain.
00:12:28When I give one of my soldiers a direct order, I expect it to be followed, understood?
00:12:40Yes, sir.
00:12:41It's just that ever since I was a little kid, I've always been afraid of anything getting
00:12:42crawling.
00:12:43Begging your pardon, Captain.
00:12:44Why did you surrender so easily?
00:12:44What if woman know their way around the island?
00:12:46We may need their help to get off.
00:12:47You can say that again.
00:12:56OK.
00:12:56It's just that ever since I was a little kid, I've always been afraid of anything.
00:12:59I can't be crawling.
00:13:01Begging your pardon, Captain.
00:13:02Why did you surrender so easily?
00:13:04These women know their way around the island.
00:13:06We may need their help to get off.
00:13:07You can say that again.
00:13:16Will you get a load of that?
00:13:18Unbelievable.
00:13:19Amazing.
00:13:20I've been wondering what the dog was doing with all those bones.
00:13:22Go! Go!
00:13:24Yes, ma'am.
00:13:25Gentlemen, let's proceed.
00:13:26I'm sorry, what do you make of this?
00:13:34First I watch this on the beach, now this?
00:13:37You got me, Turbo.
00:13:38Ask Kincaid.
00:13:39He's Mr. Know-to-all.
00:13:40I can't explain it either.
00:13:42I mean, could be we just landed on some piece of rock that time just simply forgot.
00:13:45You mean...
00:13:46Yes!
00:13:47This could be...
00:13:48Dun-dun-dun!
00:13:51Dinosaur Island.
00:13:54Look alive, man.
00:13:55Move along, move along.
00:14:02The fiberbeats will not hurt you.
00:14:03They only feed on leaves.
00:14:05Come along, come along.
00:14:06I bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.
00:14:08They're not in love.
00:14:09I don't know.
00:14:10I know, but they don't even have to go for it.
00:14:10Cause they're all they have to go for.
00:14:12Come along, come along.
00:14:13Come on.
00:14:14Come along, come along.
00:14:16Irre-reely, we'll do it.
00:14:17So I'm having them.
00:14:18Come along...
00:14:18They're here.
00:14:19That's it.
00:14:20So I'm not going to come across.
00:14:20Hey, I'll get you.
00:14:21You're right, John.
00:14:49This is Club Net.
00:14:51If anybody wants me, I'll be by the pool.
00:15:01Do not move.
00:15:02I'll put my spear in you.
00:15:04Sounds a little kinky, but hey, I'll try anything once.
00:15:06What's going to happen to us?
00:15:08That is for Queen Morgana to decide.
00:15:11This will decide what happens to me.
00:15:14Queen?
00:15:15Move, go, go.
00:15:16I'm afraid.
00:15:16Oh, mama.
00:15:31Neil!
00:15:32Neil, you dogs!
00:15:33Who are you who dares enter my domain?
00:15:41We are soldiers, Your Majesty.
00:15:44Soldiers?
00:15:45Yes, like your warriors.
00:15:48Impossible.
00:15:49You're too small and fleshy to be warriors, or men for that matter.
00:15:53Now, wait just a minute.
00:15:54Take away their fire spears.
00:16:04Oh, mighty queen.
00:16:05If they are warriors, perhaps they've been sent to us for a reason.
00:16:09And what reason would that be, princess?
00:16:12Maybe they can save us from the Great One.
00:16:14Jackie Gleason?
00:16:17Do you actually believe that these puny creatures could succeed where our forefathers have failed?
00:16:27No, my queen.
00:16:28I don't.
00:16:30Take these worthless fools from my sight.
00:16:32Put them to work in the pits.
00:16:39Was that the barbecue coming on?
00:16:40I remember a little place in Patterson, New Jersey called the Pit Stop.
00:16:45It's a great little bar.
00:16:47I bet this pit won't be as much fun.
00:16:49That's where you spend the rest of your lives and change.
00:16:51That's what they said in Patterson.
00:16:52Kill!
00:16:53Ah!
00:16:53Ah!
00:16:55Ah!
00:16:55Ah!
00:16:55Ah!
00:16:56Ah!
00:16:56Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:58Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:16:59Ah!
00:17:00Ah!
00:17:00Ah!
00:17:01Ah!
00:17:01Ah!
00:17:02Ah!
00:17:03Ah!
00:17:04Ah!
00:17:05Ah!
00:17:06Ah!
00:17:07Ah!
00:17:08Ah!
00:17:09Ah!
00:17:09Ah!
00:17:10Ah!
00:17:10You know, actually, we had nothing to do with this Captain Briggs.
00:17:15Kind of crazy, you know.
00:17:21It's you!
00:17:22A Jew?
00:17:23I resemble that remark.
00:17:25It's you!
00:17:27Me?
00:17:28You bear the mark!
00:17:30The one we've been waiting for!
00:17:32Our savior!
00:17:33Right!
00:17:34It's me!
00:17:35I'm here!
00:17:37Ah!
00:17:38Ah!
00:17:39Yeah!
00:17:40I'm here!
00:17:41I don't know the mark, and...
00:17:42I'm here!
00:17:43It's me!
00:17:44It's me!
00:17:57Why do these men still live?
00:17:59Because they are not men, Queen.
00:18:01They are gods.
00:18:02This one has the mark.
00:18:04Courtesy of Wind Ray's tattoos, Deuce and Broadway.
00:18:07A trick!
00:18:08Summon the soothsayer.
00:18:09We shall let her decide.
00:18:11Ask your bones whether or not these creatures possess magic.
00:18:28It is true, your highness.
00:18:29These are the gods predicted in the sacred scroll.
00:18:32The sacred scroll?
00:18:34It is in the midst of a terrible famine.
00:18:37The ocean would open up, and out would come five strange and one gods.
00:18:41I've been called strange.
00:18:42I've got dibs on wonderful.
00:18:43And my tummy's been growling ever since I got here.
00:18:46They would wear foreign robes and provide us with food.
00:18:49Tic-tac?
00:18:50But most importantly, among them there will be one who the yellow sun smiles on.
00:18:55His magic would be the most powerful of all, for he will be the one,
00:18:59who will be the savior that will deliver us from the Great One.
00:19:02Hey, I only deliver within a one-mile radius of my house.
00:19:05Schemer!
00:19:06My people are starving.
00:19:07I refuse to place their fate in the hands of these so-called gods.
00:19:11Hey, Queenie, don't be such a sourpuss.
00:19:13Your savior's here.
00:19:14Put on a happy face.
00:19:19Where are you taking us to?
00:19:21We must prepare you for battle.
00:19:22Hey, is that spear loaded?
00:19:23Oh!
00:19:24Oh!
00:19:25Oh!
00:19:26Oh!
00:19:27Oh!
00:19:28Oh!
00:19:29Oh!
00:19:30Oh!
00:19:31Oh!
00:19:32Oh!
00:19:33Oh!
00:19:34Oh!
00:19:35Oh!
00:19:36Oh!
00:19:37Oh!
00:19:38Oh!
00:19:39Oh!
00:19:40Oh!
00:19:41Oh!
00:19:42Oh!
00:19:43Oh!
00:19:44Oh!
00:19:45Oh!
00:19:46Oh!
00:19:47Oh!
00:19:48Oh!
00:19:49Oh!
00:19:50Oh!
00:19:53Oh!
00:19:54Yeah, that was great over there or something.
00:19:59Let's give it a try.
00:20:21This is Sergeant Healy of the United States Army.
00:20:25This is an SOS.
00:20:27Does anybody read me?
00:20:29Come in.
00:20:30Over.
00:20:36It's no use, Captain.
00:20:37The signal's not being picked up.
00:20:40We're going to have to broadcast from higher ground.
00:20:43Let's wrap it up.
00:20:55What the?
00:20:57We thought you might need your fire, Spears.
00:20:59We will await word of your victory.
00:21:02I'm dedicating our victory to you.
00:21:06Wait, this is silly.
00:21:07We've got to call you something.
00:21:08I know from now on, you're Miss April, Miss May, and Miss June.
00:21:14April, May, June?
00:21:17What do these names mean?
00:21:18This will explain everything.
00:21:20What is it?
00:21:21Our sacred scroll.
00:21:23Is it magic?
00:21:24You have no idea.
00:21:25Now, study it hard, because we will be giving you a pop quiz later on.
00:21:30Why?
00:21:30Here it is.
00:21:31Why don't we try going downhill for a while?
00:21:35Why don't we try going downhill for a while?
00:21:48Because the girl said to follow the sun five leagues past the flowery gnoll.
00:21:52Yeah, and then what?
00:21:53What do you mean?
00:21:54I mean, what's our plan?
00:21:56We kill the Great One and come back conquering Europe.
00:21:58Do you think it's that simple?
00:21:59Absolutely.
00:22:00I don't know, John.
00:22:01I mean, you saw what that thing did to Buzz.
00:22:03Look!
00:22:03It's the worst creature of all.
00:22:08The Sargesaurus.
00:22:20Hiya, Cap.
00:22:21Boy, am I glad to see you guys.
00:22:22Jesus Christ.
00:22:25What are you guys doing here?
00:22:27Trying to signal the rescue party.
00:22:29Rescue party?
00:22:30You don't get it, do you?
00:22:31If we get rescued, the party's over.
00:22:34Party?
00:22:34What the hell is he talking about?
00:22:36And how did you get our weapons back?
00:22:37The women think we're gods.
00:22:39And all we have to do is kill the Great One to prove ourselves.
00:22:43You gotta be kidding.
00:22:44Turbo here couldn't even kill a garter snake, let alone a dinosaur.
00:22:47But if we do, we could spend the rest of our lives living in paradise.
00:22:53I hate to disappoint you, but you three are going back to jail and I'm going to put you there.
00:22:59You getting anything, Sergeant?
00:23:00Just a hiss.
00:23:01Nothing but static.
00:23:02I hear it too, but it doesn't sound like static.
00:23:05And I don't think it's coming from the radio.
00:23:08Where is it coming from?
00:23:15Oh shit!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:29Fire!
00:23:33Fire!
00:23:34Fire!
00:23:35Fire!
00:23:36Fire!
00:23:36Oh, my God.
00:24:06I do not understand. How is it possible for a God to die?
00:24:24His magic must not have been very powerful.
00:24:27The important thing is that they have slain the Great One.
00:24:30The Queen will be very pleased.
00:24:31This is called for a celebration.
00:24:33No, not yet. First, we have to bury our dead.
00:24:36What is your angle?
00:24:40What are you talking about?
00:24:42You never gave a shit about Hiwi.
00:24:44Why the sudden change of heart?
00:24:47Captain's right, John. I mean, you always thought he was a jerk.
00:24:50But he was our jerk.
00:24:51What is this place?
00:25:04It is heaven.
00:25:05Heaven?
00:25:06That is the word the missionaries taught us.
00:25:09It means the place you go after you die.
00:25:12It's a burial ground.
00:25:13Get a load of that.
00:25:15Looks like something right out of King Kong.
00:25:17Captain, wouldn't it be easier to bury him at sea?
00:25:26Wayne, how's your arm?
00:25:29It's okay, sir.
00:25:31Give it a rest.
00:25:32I'm fine.
00:25:33That's an order.
00:25:36Turbo, take over.
00:25:45Come on, let's put some muscle in it.
00:25:49You are in pain?
00:25:51Just give me a bullet to bite on and I'll be fine.
00:25:54I do not understand.
00:25:56Yeah, I'm in pain.
00:25:58And eating a bullet will help?
00:26:01I don't think anything on this island is going to help.
00:26:04What about me?
00:26:06You?
00:26:08Come.
00:26:08Hey, Captain, my arm's starting to hurt.
00:26:17Dig.
00:26:24Where are we going?
00:26:25You'll see.
00:26:31Wow.
00:26:32Captain.
00:26:36Dig.
00:26:38Oh, what are you doing?
00:26:53I'm healing you.
00:26:54You could have fooled me.
00:26:59May Almighty God have mercy on his soul.
00:27:02Amen.
00:27:02Amen.
00:27:04Where have you been?
00:27:06I'll explain it to you when I understand it.
00:27:09Come, sisters.
00:27:10We must bring word of the Great One's death to the Queen.
00:27:13We'll meet you back at the village.
00:27:24All right, men, let's get the gear and go.
00:27:25There goes the Great One.
00:27:39So much for the Great One.
00:27:40Look a lot.
00:27:43Take a good long look, ladies.
00:27:46It's wonderful.
00:27:47A miracle.
00:27:48This meat will feed many mouths.
00:27:51But where's the Great One?
00:27:54Where's the what?
00:27:55We thought that...
00:27:56Wait, isn't that...
00:27:57This is just a beast of armor.
00:28:00Oh, no.
00:28:01And a baby one at that.
00:28:03Oh, no.
00:28:05The Great One is ten times as big.
00:28:07Uh, what was that?
00:28:16The Great One?
00:28:18Oh, boy.
00:28:20Don't worry.
00:28:21We'll take care of the Great One just like we took care of this guy.
00:28:24That's not going to be so easy without ammunition.
00:28:27And, boys, we're fresh out.
00:28:30You failed, proving once and for all your frauds.
00:28:48Not gods, but mere men.
00:28:50Not so fast, Queenie.
00:28:51Aren't you forgetting something?
00:28:53What?
00:28:54The first part of the prophecy.
00:28:55We produce food in the middle of a famine.
00:28:57They're right, Morgana.
00:28:59The beast of armor will feed the entire village for a week.
00:29:02Nevertheless, I am the lawgiver,
00:29:04and I say that these men can bring only harm to the village.
00:29:07They must all die.
00:29:09No!
00:29:10You dare challenge your queen?
00:29:13April is right.
00:29:14These men have done us no evil.
00:29:16Only helped us in our struggle to survive.
00:29:18My command will still be carried out immediately.
00:29:22No!
00:29:23As written in the Sacred Scroll,
00:29:26I challenge thee to Oma Pa.
00:29:31Oma Pa Pa?
00:29:33Oma Pa.
00:29:34I've heard of it, John.
00:29:35The Druids used it to oppose the laws of their leaders.
00:29:38Very well, then.
00:29:39As it is written, so shall it be.
00:29:42We fight this night in the circle of power.
00:29:44If you win, the men will be spared.
00:29:47But if you lose, you, your traitorous sisters,
00:29:51and these pitiful warriors will all suffer a fiery death in the pit.
00:29:56Well, your majesty, since this is going to...
00:29:59What's wrong with him?
00:30:05He's just upset because the transmitter was destroyed.
00:30:07Oh, that's a real shame.
00:30:08It looks like we're stuck on this island with a bunch of beautiful women for the rest of our lives.
00:30:11What about the great ones, stuck with him?
00:30:14And it's not going to be easy killing him with no ammo.
00:30:17He's right, John.
00:30:18I mean, what's going to happen to us once the girls find out the truth?
00:30:21I'll tell you what's going to happen.
00:30:23We're going to end up at the bottom of that pit everyone's been talking about.
00:30:27That's why our first order of business is to end this family.
00:30:30Yeah, but how are we going to do that?
00:30:32You mean, how are you going to do that?
00:30:34Me?
00:30:35Why me?
00:30:36They don't call you weighing the brain for nothing.
00:30:41You mean to tell me that no fruit-bearing plants will grow here on the island?
00:31:07Oh, yes.
00:31:09We have tried and succeeded.
00:31:11Only the food is always devoured before we can harvest it.
00:31:15By the great one?
00:31:16No, by the small ones.
00:31:19The small ones?
00:31:20Hmm?
00:31:24Oh, gross.
00:31:29Come on.
00:31:32I got an idea.
00:31:32Come on.
00:31:33Come on.
00:31:37What are you doing?
00:31:46Making a pesticide.
00:31:50Pesticide?
00:31:52Yeah, it's sort of like a potion that will help to protect your harvest.
00:31:59Impossible.
00:32:01Magic is useless against the small ones.
00:32:03This isn't magic.
00:32:05This is chemistry.
00:32:08What is chemistry?
00:32:13Here, I'll show you.
00:32:14All right.
00:32:15I'm taking a little iodine.
00:32:17Mm-hmm.
00:32:17Okay?
00:32:18I mix this with mosquito repellent.
00:32:22Mm-hmm.
00:32:22Then, I dilute it with water.
00:32:30And finally, I add my secret ingredient.
00:32:37It smells awful.
00:32:39What is it?
00:32:40Dinosaur urine?
00:32:43No.
00:32:44Schemer's aftershave.
00:32:45Will it really keep the small ones away from our crops?
00:32:51I don't see why not.
00:32:53It keeps the women away from Schemer.
00:33:09April, what's your favorite food?
00:33:11Mm-hmm.
00:33:12I love pterodactyl.
00:33:13Why?
00:33:14Because I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight.
00:33:17But we eat out every night.
00:33:20I don't mean outside.
00:33:21I mean out on a date.
00:33:23What is a date?
00:33:26It's when two people want to be alone together.
00:33:29But how can we be alone and together at the same time?
00:33:33I mean, we'll be by ourselves.
00:33:36For what reason?
00:33:38So we can get to know each other.
00:33:40Oh, so you can learn my turn-ons and turn-offs.
00:33:46Who taught you those words?
00:33:49I have been studying your sacred scroll.
00:33:52What do you think of it?
00:33:53Oh, it is very wise.
00:33:54But I do not understand one thing.
00:33:57What is a kiss?
00:34:03I'll show you tonight.
00:34:13Tell me why we're doing this again.
00:34:15Because pterodactyl is April's favorite food.
00:34:20It doesn't slither, does it?
00:34:21No, it flies.
00:34:24And there it is.
00:34:25Oh, that thing has scales.
00:34:30I'm out of here.
00:34:32All right, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
00:34:38Kerbal, you have got to get over this fear of yours.
00:34:40If you won't do it for yourself, do it for June.
00:34:42I don't want to impress June.
00:34:44Creepy, crow-y things don't scare me half as much as she does.
00:34:47I know she's kind of dumb,
00:34:48but it's not what I'm talking about, schema.
00:34:51What are you talking about?
00:34:52I don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls.
00:34:58You mean you're still Cherry?
00:35:07Sorry, I just figured a big, strong guy like you...
00:35:10Girls take one look at me and they get scared.
00:35:13I don't blame them, though.
00:35:15I don't want to go out with a Neanderthal like a man.
00:35:18A cavewoman's a pretty safe bet.
00:35:20Besides, I think June is kind of the old-fashioned type.
00:35:22I don't think sloping foreheads or knuckles that drag on the ground
00:35:25are a problem for her.
00:35:28What if I'm bad?
00:35:30Turbo, there aren't any other men on this island.
00:35:33Chances are she won't know the difference.
00:35:35Come on.
00:35:44Look out.
00:35:45Maybe we can go get another one.
00:35:57I think I saw one on the hill over here.
00:36:00Come on.
00:36:00Let's go.
00:36:01Hey, where's my aftershave?
00:36:17Oh, sorry, John.
00:36:18I needed it to make a pesticide.
00:36:20It better work.
00:36:21We're almost out of dinosaur meat.
00:36:23And whose fault is that?
00:36:26Schemer,
00:36:27tell the captain to stop picking on me.
00:36:28Look, I don't have time for this.
00:36:30Well, actually, you do.
00:36:32I did some tests on the water around here.
00:36:35Just give me the condensed version.
00:36:37Well, the water's volcanic origin
00:36:39gives it amazing regenerative powers.
00:36:42Belonged intake may actually make the body
00:36:44younger and healthier forever.
00:36:45That explains your quick healing
00:36:47and why these dinosaurs are still roaming the island.
00:36:50Yeah, nobody bothered to tell them they're extinct.
00:36:53Yeah, well, it also means these women
00:36:55are a lot older than we think.
00:36:57I mean, they could be one, two,
00:36:59even 3,000 years old.
00:37:00Hey, I've always had a thing for older women.
00:37:02So if you gentlemen will excuse me,
00:37:04I've got a date with the hottest prehistoric babe
00:37:06I've ever met.
00:37:07How's your pterodactyl?
00:37:18I caught it myself.
00:37:20Oh, how brave.
00:37:26I'm not sure.
00:37:28It tastes a little like turtle.
00:37:31You know, this place has really gone downhill
00:37:32since the new chef took over.
00:37:35I like turtle.
00:37:37But you, you are not eating.
00:37:39Me?
00:37:40I had a late lunch.
00:37:46But aren't you still hungry?
00:37:48Not really.
00:37:49Well, then why did you try to press your lips to mine?
00:37:53You asked me to show you what a kiss was.
00:37:55You'll like it.
00:37:56I promise.
00:38:02Did the earth move?
00:38:08It did for me.
00:38:12Dear gods!
00:38:13The great one!
00:38:14Hey, I haven't even taken it out yet.
00:38:20Oh, that great one!
00:38:24This way!
00:38:24This way!
00:38:32Here, we can hide in here!
00:38:49That ought to hold him.
00:39:09That ought to hold him.
00:39:11Would have kicked his ass.
00:39:31You know, this would make a great condo.
00:39:33We could settle down.
00:39:34No, no.
00:39:35This is a terrible place.
00:39:37We must go no further.
00:39:38Why's that?
00:39:39Got plenty of room?
00:39:40Hot and cold running slime?
00:39:41Look at this.
00:39:47Just my luck.
00:39:50Gold.
00:40:00It is not safe to go on.
00:40:01We must turn back.
00:40:02Don't wet yourself, sweetheart.
00:40:04I just need a couple more gold nuggets
00:40:05to make the down payment
00:40:06on that little Malibu beach house
00:40:07I've had my eye on.
00:40:09But the beast of the cave!
00:40:11Surely it will hear us!
00:40:12Beast?
00:40:13You didn't say anything about a beast.
00:40:15You wouldn't let me!
00:40:18What does he look like?
00:40:22Sounds like...
00:40:24Two words.
00:40:25Big!
00:40:26Hideous!
00:40:29Behind me?
00:40:30There's aноваř!
00:40:31Ah!
00:40:32No!
00:40:32Ghop!
00:40:33No!
00:40:33Ha!
00:40:34Ah!
00:40:38Levitii!
00:40:40No!
00:40:42Ah!
00:40:43Ah!
00:40:47Ah!
00:40:48Ah!
00:40:50Ah!
00:40:51Ah!
00:40:51Ah!
00:40:52Oh, my God.
00:40:55Oh, my God.
00:41:02Oh.
00:41:05Oh, my God.
00:41:07Oh.
00:41:09All right.
00:41:22Come with me.
00:41:52Go!
00:41:56Go!
00:41:57Kneel!
00:41:59Kneel!
00:42:01Ah, you are the one called Captain.
00:42:06Are you not?
00:42:08What the hell's going on here?
00:42:10Our culture has an ancient proverb that says,
00:42:13My enemy's enemy is my friend.
00:42:15I have been observing you.
00:42:17I believe you to be such a person.
00:42:19Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you since we got stranded here.
00:42:22And if I could provide you with the way off the island,
00:42:25you would take the others with you, would you not?
00:42:28You can count on it.
00:42:30Many moons ago, a great silver bird crashed into the ocean.
00:42:34A crate filled with strange objects washed ashore.
00:42:38What kind of objects?
00:42:39Objects I've never seen before.
00:42:44But one of them carried voices from far away.
00:42:49You have a transmitter?
00:42:50The voices I heard spoke in a language unlike yours or ours.
00:42:54Where is this crate?
00:42:56This map will guide you to where it is buried.
00:42:59Have you girls got any shovels to go with those spears?
00:43:05I guess he took a powder.
00:43:06It is safe.
00:43:07I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:08I think I know.
00:43:10It is safe.
00:43:11It is safe.
00:43:12I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:13I think I know.
00:43:15It is safe.
00:43:16I think you'll die.
00:43:17It is safe.
00:43:18I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:19It is safe.
00:43:20I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:22I guess he took a powder.
00:43:28It is safe.
00:43:29I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:32I think I know.
00:43:52Wow, look at the size of that egg.
00:43:58It must have gotten too close to her nest.
00:44:01Her? You mean the gray one's a girl?
00:44:03Let us go. We must not be here when she comes back.
00:44:06Wait a minute. What about that egg?
00:44:07What about it?
00:44:09It would make one hell of a Denver omelet.
00:44:20Wayne, look!
00:44:21We are safe in starvation.
00:44:24The food has grown in great abundance.
00:44:27Wow! It's better than all you can eat at its sizzler.
00:44:30It's truly a miracle.
00:44:31But how could it have grown so fast?
00:44:33There's something in that water.
00:44:35Who cares? Let's eat!
00:44:37Please, eat.
00:44:38Please, eat.
00:44:40Let's eat.
00:44:40I don't know.
00:45:10I don't know.
00:45:40I do not understand.
00:45:42Well, sometimes when two people meet, they have this effect on each other.
00:45:46What kind of effect?
00:45:48Well, for instance, their hearts be faster.
00:45:51Will you show me?
00:45:53I'd love to.
00:45:55Is this chemistry?
00:46:03No, this is magic.
00:46:05No, this is magic.
00:46:07No, this is magic.
00:46:09No, this is magic.
00:46:13I don't know.
00:46:15I don't know.
00:46:19I don't know.
00:46:21I don't know.
00:46:23This fruit is really good, Wayne.
00:46:50I like that for me.
00:46:52I'm telling you guys, this cave we found is crawling with gold.
00:46:58Yeah, and according to April, it's also crawling with monsters.
00:47:01No big deal. I had him being spear right out of my hand.
00:47:04You can have your gold. This is the life for me.
00:47:07I hear you.
00:47:08You will come with us. The Queen awaits you in her throne room.
00:47:11Again?
00:47:12What now?
00:47:13I'm booked till four.
00:47:14Come.
00:47:22It has come to my attention that the three of you have feelings for these men.
00:47:34It is true, O Queen.
00:47:35Is that why you brought us here?
00:47:37We would like to ask you for your blessing.
00:47:39My blessing?
00:47:41April and I want to get married.
00:47:43But May and I just thought we'd live together first.
00:47:46And June and I, we just want to go steady.
00:47:49What you ask is not possible.
00:47:53Why not?
00:47:54These girls are the oldest in the village.
00:47:56They're next in line.
00:47:57For the throne?
00:47:58For the altar.
00:48:00That's what we're talking about.
00:48:01Getting a little cave of our own, tar pit in the backyard, having a couple of Cro-Magnons, becoming fossils together.
00:48:06Not the altar of marriage, you fool. The altar of sacrifice.
00:48:12S-s-s-sacrifice?
00:48:14Every time the sun crosses the sea and reaches its zenith, we must sacrifice a virgin to the Great One.
00:48:20Wait a minute. You mean you actually feed your people to that thing?
00:48:23If I don't, the beast will come to the village to satisfy its hunger. And then we would all die.
00:48:28Queen Morgana, do you really think the Great One cares whether or not it eats a virgin?
00:48:33It never bothered me before.
00:48:35It didn't.
00:48:37It is our way, as is dictated by the sacred scroll.
00:48:42But that's just ancient superstition.
00:48:44It's the same superstition that has proclaimed you as gods.
00:48:48Well, then again, a sacred scroll is a sacred scroll.
00:48:52Only when you have proven yourselves worthy will I give you my blessing.
00:48:57How do we do that?
00:48:59Oh, it's really quite simple. All you have to do is destroy the Great One.
00:49:03Just bring me his head, and then you can all live happily ever after.
00:49:08Destroy the Great One? While we're at it, why don't we melt the Wicked Witch of the West?
00:49:23Well, whatever we do, we better do it fast. I think she was talking about the Spring Equinox, which is only three days away.
00:49:30So now what do we do?
00:49:31I don't know about you guys, but I've already taken April out of the competition.
00:49:35What do you mean?
00:49:36Hey, every schoolboy knows April comes before May or June.
00:49:40Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
00:49:41Well, I hate to admit it, but...
00:49:43Oh, not you too.
00:49:44Sorry, big guy. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.
00:49:47Oh, so now you're saying it's up to me.
00:49:50Well, it's a big no-go. I'm not doing nothing until I'm ready.
00:49:54But I'm telling you this. I'm tired of running scared on this island from some big overgrown lizard.
00:50:00I say it's time I stopped cowering.
00:50:03Kick some monster ass!
00:50:08You guys with me?
00:50:09Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but where are we going to get the firepower?
00:50:12Right here, boys.
00:50:18Now let's snap two. We've got bigger fish to fry.
00:50:30Who wants these?
00:50:31I have provided you with the weapons you have requested, and now it is up to you.
00:51:00If you do not return within two days, we will have no choice but to sacrifice one of our own to the Great One.
00:51:07Don't worry, ma'am. We'll be back.
00:51:10I wish you luck, Captain.
00:51:13Looks like Briggs is getting engaged.
00:51:28Even Briggs can get laid on this island.
00:51:30Let's move it out.
00:51:31So these missionaries are the ones who taught you to speak English?
00:51:44Why, yes. That's it, exactly.
00:51:46Hey, now what?
00:51:47Now what?
00:51:56Is it harmless like the one we saw before?
00:51:58Yes, it's the Thunder Beast.
00:52:00Harmless?
00:52:01Hmm.
00:52:02Yeah, harmless.
00:52:03So, schemer, you've seen this great one. What was it like?
00:52:07Well, you remember that transvestite hooker that Turbo tried to pick up on in the Philippines?
00:52:11Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:52:13Well, it was as ugly as that, but bigger and pissed off.
00:52:17So where does this beauty make its home?
00:52:19It lives near the big cave.
00:52:21The one with the gold in it?
00:52:23Same.
00:52:25Lead on.
00:52:47Here's where it gets interesting.
00:53:07Ah, ah, ah!
00:53:10Here's where it gets interesting.
00:53:17Captain, will you look at that?
00:53:19My God.
00:53:20Think of the cholesterol.
00:53:27Let's take cover in the cave.
00:53:32Let's not make a meal out of that private.
00:53:40You will not find the great one in there.
00:53:53She's much too big.
00:53:55This looks like a good place to set up camp till it comes back.
00:53:58Turbo, see if you can find some firewood.
00:54:00Yes, Captain.
00:54:03The rest of you take cover in the cave.
00:54:05You never know when Mom will come home.
00:54:08She's probably just out picking up a few things for dinner.
00:54:11I'll take first watch.
00:54:24Pretty good, huh, Captain?
00:54:27Keep it going, Private.
00:54:29It's going to be dark soon.
00:54:31And I think staying in here is going to be our best bet.
00:54:34This will keep the riffraff out.
00:54:35Those big lizards still give me the shakes.
00:54:38You think that's something?
00:54:40There was this bimbo actress I was dating back in L.A.
00:54:42What a piece.
00:54:44Almost married her, too.
00:54:46Then I got a look at her mother.
00:54:48Holy mackerel, what a puss on her.
00:54:51I'd rather look at the great one any day.
00:54:53They say if you want to know what a girl's going to look like after she's married,
00:54:56look at her mother.
00:54:58Is that true, Schemer?
00:54:59That's what I heard.
00:55:00Say, June, was your mother pretty?
00:55:07I bet she was.
00:55:10Come.
00:55:11Let us go for a walk.
00:55:15Private, let's not walk too far from the light.
00:55:18Yes, sir.
00:55:19Let's go for a walk.
00:55:50What are you looking at?
00:55:51The moon.
00:55:53It is crossing over the ocean.
00:55:55Yeah.
00:55:59You know, if you do not kill the great one, I will be its next sacrifice.
00:56:05Oh, you don't have to.
00:56:06There's, um, another way.
00:56:10Oh, no.
00:56:11I could never dishonor my heritage by doing what my sister...
00:56:14You'd rather give yourself to the great one than to me.
00:56:18It is true.
00:56:19I have never known a man before.
00:56:22Neither have I.
00:56:24Well, there was that one time in Manila.
00:56:25What?
00:56:26I mean, I've never known a girl before.
00:56:28I mean, I've known girls, but I've never known girls.
00:56:33You know?
00:56:35Then you were like me.
00:56:37I mean, I'm scared.
00:56:40I mean, I'm scared.
00:56:40And then she chased you?
00:57:11And you ran into...
00:57:13Wait, wait, wait.
00:57:13Skip over that part.
00:57:15How's it going?
00:57:16Pretty spooky, Cap.
00:57:17These stones and bones know everything.
00:57:20She's got them telling my whole life story.
00:57:21You think that's suitable for Mick's company?
00:57:25Maybe I better change the subject, huh?
00:57:28Very interesting, Schemer.
00:57:30But I think it's your turn to stand guard duty.
00:57:32Now go find Turbo and bring him back if you can.
00:57:35There's certainly no future in that.
00:57:42You know, trouble with being a regular army.
00:57:45Since you're always sticking your neck out
00:57:46while the girls are sitting comfy back at home.
00:57:48I'll bet they're kicking back right now
00:57:52with a big bowl of strawberries.
00:57:54I'll bet they're going to be a big bowl of strawberries.
00:58:24Well, it looks like a no-show.
00:58:25She's probably out on a bender.
00:58:29Well, it looks like a no-show.
00:58:52She's probably out on a bender.
00:58:53She might not even come back.
00:58:55She will come back.
00:58:56She's the mother.
00:58:57I think I'll say that again.
00:58:59There must be something we can do to bring her around.
00:59:03Any ideas, Kincaid?
00:59:04Yeah, brain.
00:59:05Think of something.
00:59:06Well, I have an idea that might work, but it's a little risky.
00:59:10Risky physically or risky financially?
00:59:14What do you got in mind, Kincaid?
00:59:16Here.
00:59:17I'll diagram it out for you.
00:59:18I hope this works.
00:59:38Don't worry.
00:59:39It will.
00:59:39Quiet.
00:59:39I think I hear something.
00:59:45Come on, let's move.
01:00:15Come on, let's move.
01:00:45Die, you dinosaur dick.
01:00:56One of these days, ass.
01:01:01Oh, I can kiss her.
01:01:10Damn it, you did it.
01:01:11I did it?
01:01:12You did it.
01:01:15Come on, let's not make a meal out of this thing.
01:01:24We've got a village to feed.
01:01:25And so, by my authority as queen of this island, I now pronounce you caveman and wife.
01:01:41You may kiss the princess.
01:01:42Well, schemer, I guess you won't have to face that trial I was taking you back to.
01:01:52I still got the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.
01:01:54I guess that's punishment enough.
01:01:55Where have you been?
01:02:06We had some celebrating of our own to do.
01:02:08I was a bad boy.
01:02:10April, is polygamy legal on this island?
01:02:13Captain, I just wanted to tell you how brave I thought you were in battle.
01:02:22Well, thank you very much, your majesty.
01:02:24I've never seen a warrior with such strength.
01:02:27It's too bad you wish to leave us.
01:02:29It is?
01:02:30This tribe could you as a king.
01:02:34Well, since you put it that way.
01:02:38Bye!
01:02:40Bye!
01:02:41Goodbye!
01:02:42Hurry back!
01:02:43What does this mean?
01:02:46It means we get to live happily forever after.
01:02:48Bye!
01:02:49Bye!
01:02:49Bye!
01:02:50Bye!
01:02:50Bye!
01:02:51Bye!
01:02:51Bye!
01:02:52Bye!
01:02:52Bye!
01:02:53Bye!
01:02:53Bye!
01:02:54Bye!
01:02:55Bye!
01:02:56Bye!
01:02:56Bye!
01:02:57Bye!
01:02:57Bye!
01:02:58Bye!
01:02:59Bye!
01:03:00Bye!
01:03:00Bye!
01:03:08Bye!
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