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Transcript
00:00Let's do it
01:00Julie, it was a Nant. Mom, I got it.
01:11Eileen, I finally finished my manuscript, and I need you to type it by tonight.
01:15Now, I know it's 300 pages long, but the publisher really wants to see it.
01:18So if we dig in now, we can probably finish by sundown.
01:22I'm sorry, Norman. I've got to go to the office today.
01:25They expect you to work on Saturday?
01:27Come on, Mom. It's the third weekend in a row.
01:31Now, next time your boss calls you and asks you to work on the weekends,
01:34tell me you either want to be paid extra or you're not going in.
01:37Honey, it's not that hard.
01:39Actually, it's been getting easier.
01:41The case comes up Tuesday. Schneider versus Friedman et al.
01:45I've been over it so many times, I've got it memorized.
01:47Oh, yeah, isn't Schneider that pizza guy who made an accidental delivery to a Weight Watchers meeting
01:52and got trampled in the stampede?
01:55Yeah.
01:56I know on the surface it looks like a simple case,
01:59but according to the precedent, the plaintiff's contributory negligence
02:02is not offset by the defendant's diminished capacity.
02:05What does that mean?
02:06You don't yell pepperoni in a room full of fat people.
02:12Well, you think you'd be home for dinner?
02:14Why, you want to go out?
02:16No, I was hoping you could start typing my manuscript then.
02:18Thanks a lot.
02:19Hey, come on, Eileen. I was just kidding.
02:23You know, Mom, I really think you ought to take a stand with your boss today.
02:26Oh, it's not really that bad.
02:29Except for the way he leaves his stinking cigars burning all over the place
02:33and how he never says thank you
02:35and how he always brings his Afghan hound into the office and says,
02:39no, no, let him. He's only being friendly.
02:46Mom, get him on the phone and tell him you're not working weekend.
02:49I'm going to go in today, but I'll tell him I can't work tomorrow.
02:52Great!
02:53Then you'll be able to type my manuscript.
02:55Just kidding again?
02:57Sure.
02:58Well, I've got to go. Bye-bye.
03:00Oh, say, Mom, can you drop me off at the mall?
03:02Melvin Renski got his nose pierced
03:03when we're having an unveiling at the Orange Julius stand.
03:07Oh, good. I have to congratulate his mother.
03:14Norman.
03:17I don't know, you think my mom's too easy?
03:20Hey, your mom and I are just dating, that's all.
03:23You know, friends, I wouldn't have...
03:25I mean, the way she lets her boss take advantage of her,
03:28I mean, I can't even remember the last time he's given her a raise,
03:30and she really deserves one.
03:32There's got to be a way I can show Claiborne how much she's worth to him.
03:36Look, Matt,
03:37it is one thing to go around hustling other kids,
03:40but this guy's a lawyer.
03:42He makes his living conning people.
03:44You are just a talented amateur.
03:47Yeah, but I'm 72 and 0 as a talented amateur, Norm.
03:50It's time I turned pro.
03:53Don't do it. You'll be in over your head.
03:55I know, but this really means a lot to me.
03:57I mean, my mother's being treated unfairly,
03:58and no one's doing anything about it.
04:00Matthew, you're not El Zorro.
04:02And you're not Clark Gable, but life goes on.
04:04Gee, I wish you were my kid.
04:12Okay, genius.
04:14What's the plan?
04:16I've been thinking.
04:18What if, just what if,
04:19I would have somehow sneaked into Claiborne's office
04:22and burned the pizza boy file?
04:26Why stop there?
04:29Nuke the whole building and get her a promotion.
04:31Norman, you don't understand.
04:34See, the case goes to court on Tuesday.
04:36Now, you heard her.
04:37She said that she has the case memorized.
04:38So without his notes, he's gonna need her real bad.
04:42He'll realize how valuable she is.
04:44Give her a raise.
04:46Right.
04:47Now, how's he supposed to think his files got burned?
04:50You gotta plant a marshmallow
04:51and leave behind a Girl Scout badge?
04:54No, Norman.
04:55I'll think he did it.
04:56I'll leave one of his smoking cigars next to the file.
04:59Mom says he leaves them all over the place.
05:01It's perfect.
05:04Ooh.
05:05Except for how to get rid of the security guard.
05:08Oh, Matthew, look.
05:09Security guards are highly trained professionals these days.
05:12It's not like it was when I was a kid.
05:14Oh, yeah?
05:15What'd you do when you were my age?
05:19Lots of things.
05:20All right, here's one you definitely can't use.
05:30There was one winter when this bunch of friends and I
05:32would always catch the bus across town
05:34to pick up a bunch of, um...
05:37Um, fun.
05:41We'd, uh, hang around and blow all our money on these, um...
05:45Fun.
05:46These fun, yeah.
05:47And, uh, have to walk back home in the freezing cold.
05:51But, fortunately, about halfway home,
05:53we'd have to go buy a Wonder Bread factory.
05:55Now, the great thing was, you see,
05:57the conveyor belt ran so close to the window
05:58that if we stood on each other's shoulders,
06:00we could manage to grab a few loaves.
06:02Did you ever think about working your way up to cake?
06:05Hey!
06:06We were cold.
06:07The bread was hot.
06:08So we'd poke holes in both ends of the crust,
06:11stick our hands in there,
06:12and voila!
06:14A muff to warm strong bodies 12 ways.
06:18That's great, Norm,
06:18but what does all this have to do with the security guard?
06:20Oh, yeah.
06:22All right, one time we went by there,
06:23we discovered they put bars on the window.
06:25And it was especially cold that night,
06:28so we came up with this plan.
06:30Which I can tell you
06:31because it would not work today in a million years.
06:35I'd go in,
06:36I'd introduce myself to the security guard,
06:37and say,
06:38excuse me for staring, sir,
06:41but my father,
06:45rest his soul,
06:47was a security guard.
06:49Well, I remember when I was just a lad,
06:52he'd come home...
06:53He's in his pants,
06:54all turned out and shiny from City.
06:59And sometimes,
07:00if I'd eaten all my vegetables,
07:03he'd let me play with his big old key ring.
07:05You mean...
07:06You mean...
07:07like this one?
07:11Could I hold it?
07:13Oh!
07:19Just like Dad's.
07:22I'm sorry.
07:42I feel like such a fool.
07:44Sir,
07:47I don't mean to burden you,
07:48but you see,
07:49our school is having an annual vocational guidance week.
07:53And, well, frankly,
07:54my friend here could use some guidance.
07:56Right, Vernon?
07:57You bet, Zachary.
07:58I am not sure what to do with my life.
08:04My future is uncertain.
08:06Am I good for nothing?
08:11There, there, son.
08:12That's how I used to feel before I got this job.
08:15And I got a prison record.
08:17I don't want to go with this guy.
08:21Sure you do.
08:25I'll tell you what, sir.
08:26Why don't you take him
08:27and show him around a little?
08:28My pleasure.
08:29Come on, kid.
08:31Tell me something.
08:32When you walk down the hall,
08:33is it left, right, left, right,
08:35or right, left, right, left?
08:36What?
08:54Do-do-do-do-do-do.
08:58Do-do-do-do-do.
08:59Do-do-do-do.
09:00Oh, my God.
09:30Oh, my God.
09:47Let's see.
09:50Adams versus Taylor.
09:54Williams versus Edwards.
09:59Chesty Brown versus Amalgamated Elevators.
10:06Oh.
10:12Ah.
10:14Schneider versus Friedman et al.
10:17Pizza Boy case.
10:19Oh, my God.
10:20Oh, my God.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:24Oh, my God.
10:31Oh, my God.
10:39Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
10:48Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
10:53What are you doing?
10:58Oh.
10:59Ah.
11:01Mom, thanks for waking me up.
11:03I must've been sleepwalking.
11:07Uh-oh.
11:08breaking and entering matthew dear diary today is the happiest day of my life mom finally
11:24caught the little bandit watch this performance you know mom i'm sure he didn't mean to do
11:30anything wrong don't try and stick up for him he's got to be punished sorry i thought i had the perfect
11:45son now i find out you're a crook well mom maybe it was just peer pressure that's no excuse
11:53i tried he's dead i'm the good one now
12:04mom i don't know maybe you're overreacting i mean this is my first time matthew breaking and entering
12:12is something you have to work your way up to now tell me what else you've done nothing don't lie to
12:19me matthew i don't want to find out from someone else well there were a few things
12:27oh here mom let me help you this is great see you stick this pic in here and it shows you how to
12:46release the tumblers so that it opens
12:49i had this darn curiosity about how things work
12:59any more surprises nope that's it
13:06now you know everything
13:10heard you got caught celebrations in the rec room
13:17where's my car
13:24it's in the lime pit
13:29gee i was just there today foraging
13:33well mrs burton when you're done giving him what he deserves champagne's on me
13:38i feel so good
13:43matthew i don't understand all these things why
13:51well believe it or not mom i did it for you
13:54all right look maybe all this other stuff doesn't have an excuse but the reason that i burned the file
13:58was all part of a plan to get you a raise i knew you'd never ask for it by yourself
14:02matthew after we talked i decided you were right i went in and i asked him
14:08and he gave it to you yes all right don't change the subject
14:12i would rather be underpaid and have to work two jobs than to know that my son is a juvenile delinquent
14:18but mom but nothing you are grounded except for school now go to your room
14:23hey mom
14:28at least i'm not pregnant
14:31and the worst part is i had no idea of all the things he's been up to
14:43well how could you none of us knew
14:47he seemed like the perfect kid
14:50it's all my fault
14:55i feel like such an idiot
14:57he was doing all these things right under my nose and i never suspected it
15:02i guess i shouldn't feel too bad i mean you're his teacher and he managed to fool you
15:08yeah well uh i guess we're not mind readers eileen
15:14face it you just can't be both mother and father to your son
15:18it's not like you can quit your job and take him fishing all the time
15:21you know that's probably what he's been missing a good male role model
15:27somebody he could look up to emulate
15:32norman
15:33matthew likes you
15:38i know i don't really have a right to be asking you this but
15:45no i shouldn't get you involved in this let's talk about something else you finished your manuscript
15:52tell me about it yeah sure eileen this one is gonna sell for sure it's great
15:56it's about these two guys who please spend some time with my son
15:59it's about these two guys who have no home and are living in an empty swimming pool
16:05it's not like i'm asking you to take him anywhere or be a watchdog for him
16:10i just thought that maybe if you talk to him he might feel more comfortable telling you what's
16:15bothering him well well sure eileen but just give me time to finish translating my manuscript
16:20into polish
16:34hello mother
16:37hello mr lamb
16:38matthew norman has volunteered to spend some time with you just talk to him don't be afraid to
16:50tell him whatever's bothering you anytime day or night now i'm gonna leave the two of you alone but
16:57i want you to listen to norman matthew i think talking to a mature intelligent man will do you a world of good
17:04i suppose you never got caught yeah but i never wore a suit like that i see i bet you looked intelligent
17:24wearing wonder bread on your hands hey i am going to enjoy this matt i mean here i am looking at mr slick
17:34mr cool mr 72 and oh but i told you not to do it now how in the world did you get yourself caught
17:43she was standing right behind me i can't believe it you call yourself a con man you're a chump
17:53i mean if you want to see a real pro at work you should have seen the sincerity on my face
17:57when i told your mother that i didn't know what you'd been up to
18:06i mean everybody knows that the first rule of the art of the underhanded
18:12is to always look behind you
18:21hi hon finished typing the manuscript already
18:26you knew and you didn't tell me what are you two partners i don't believe this and i chose you to be
18:33a role model well i haven't finished talking to him yet eileen get out we'll uh pick this up some other time
18:44oh eileen you're not gonna let this affect our relationship
18:50i'll be across the hall when the manuscript's ready
18:52tell me something did you learn all this from him
19:05no and listen mom i don't need another role model you already set a great example i just didn't follow
19:11it and i promise i'll never get involved with this stuff again oh that's very nice matthew but
19:18you hurt me you have been lying to me for years and quite honestly i don't know if i can ever believe
19:25you again well i love you mom i'm sorry i believe you
19:41thank you i'll be in my room now playing with my imaginary friend
19:49before you do yes take this manuscript back to norman maybe he can con someone into typing
19:55it for him well listen mom i know you're mad at him and he should have told on me but he didn't
20:01and i respect him for that why well i guess because we both had the same reason for what we did we
20:09didn't want to hurt you why don't you give him another chance i thought you were always telling me
20:15that i could do better yeah well the truth is he's a nice person and he really cares about you
20:22and until somebody rich or good looking comes along
20:29i'd say you got yourself a pretty good guy that's sweet
20:34might i add he's got himself the prettiest lady this side of sherman oaks
20:38am i still grounded yes thank you
20:54come in eileen it's me is it still all right to come in sure
21:10i was in the neighborhood and i was talking to the imbecile across the hall and he says he's sorry
21:17i say forget about him and lets you and me go out thanks but i like that imbecile across the hall
21:26eileen it's me i'm the imbecile across the hall
21:30uh i came to say i'm sorry i was wrong oh it's all right forget it no no no no i can't forget it you
21:39were right uh you should know about your son so i i've got to tell you that for the past few months
21:47that kid has done his utmost to poison our relationship and stab me in the back whenever
21:51possible i feel better having told you get out get out my son just defended you he said he respected
22:08you and here you are talking about him like that is that some kind of example well you just sold your
22:14only friend down the river get out
22:33it's a nice suit
22:39how long you think she'll be mad at me
22:41i don't know let's find out mom what
22:50aren't you gonna finish typing norman's manuscript
23:05about three days
23:11who's going to be mad at me