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Transcript
00:00I don't know
01:00All right, everybody. Some enthusiasm, please.
01:05It's 5.30 in the morning.
01:08All the more reason to pretend.
01:10This is Julie's first year in the state cheerleading championship.
01:14Now, I want you to wish your sister good luck.
01:16She's been practicing harder than I've ever seen her.
01:19Julie, honey, come on.
01:21We're all waiting for the prettiest, most talented cheerleader in the state.
01:30Oh, wow, Matthew, you look ugly in the morning.
01:42Now, Matthew, don't forget, we'll be back Tuesday night.
01:45Oh, Mom, we'll be fine.
01:47I know, honey.
01:49Norman, I want you to look after Matthew.
01:52I've seen those movies of the week, and I know what can happen to a young child.
01:55I don't want him going to any wild parties, having any accidents, getting kidnapped, eating any bad things, or dying in his sleep.
02:03Have fun, sweetheart.
02:05Have a nice trip.
02:06Don't worry about a thing.
02:09You can count on me.
02:10Oh, Julie, okay.
02:13Come on, Julie.
02:17Julie, we've got to go.
02:21Got to go.
02:23Got to go.
02:24Got to show them what we know.
02:26Score a goal, score a run.
02:27Show them that we're number one.
02:29Go, Grizzlies!
02:31Yay!
02:32Go, Julie!
02:33Yay!
02:35She is so ready.
02:42Well, I'll see you later, Norm.
02:44I'm going to go to sleep for a few years.
02:46Okay, I'll drop by later, see how you're doing.
02:49Norman, don't bother.
02:51I can take care of myself.
02:53I wouldn't be so cocky.
02:54You never know, you may just need me for something.
02:56And if you do, just remember, I'll be there.
02:58Yeah, the nation sleeps safely.
03:01Hey, look.
03:02I'm just trying to tell you, you don't have to be Mr. Cool.
03:06Don't be ashamed to call me.
03:09I know how it is.
03:10I was cocky when I was a kid, too.
03:13Until one day, my parents went on a weekend trip and left me all alone.
03:18That night, there was thunder and lightning, and all of a sudden, the lights went out.
03:23It was completely dark.
03:25I was all alone and scared to death.
03:27Why didn't you just go down in the cellar and check the fuse box?
03:39Because of the baby troll monster.
03:47Norman!
03:49Don't take this the wrong way, but someday I might get into trouble.
03:53And if that happens, I might need Marvin Hagler.
03:56I might even need Marvin Hamlisch.
03:59But I will never, ever need you.
04:02What are you guys doing?
04:29We deliver and pick up.
04:37You see some ID.
04:41Ben, are you all right?
04:43Just fine, Norman.
04:46What's going on here?
04:47Real cute, Norman.
04:48You can cut the charade.
04:49What are you talking about?
04:50Oh, Norman, you have to spell it out for you.
04:52You hired these bozos.
04:55Upholsterers.
04:56We deliver and pick up.
05:00Yeah, we're cheap, but good.
05:03You see, you let them in with the key Mom gave you.
05:06They make some noise.
05:07I just happen to wake up.
05:08I see them.
05:09I panic nestles come running, begging to you,
05:11Norman, Norman, help me.
05:12I'm little.
05:16You're sick.
05:18Yeah?
05:20Then I guess they are burglars.
05:22Why don't you stop them?
05:23Well, because you hired them.
05:31Sure, you make sure I hear them.
05:33I call the police, tell them your furniture's been robbed.
05:36Now, by the time they arrive, you've put it all back,
05:38and I look like an idiot.
05:39You wouldn't in that robe.
05:45Uh, they're taking your mother's television.
05:49Yeah, right.
05:50Why don't you stop them?
05:51Oh, so now you're asking for my help?
05:53Nope.
05:55Aren't you going to call the police?
05:56Nope.
05:56Nope.
05:56Nope.
05:57Nope.
05:57Nope.
05:59Nope.
06:00Nope.
06:00Nope.
06:01Nope.
06:01Nope.
06:01Nope.
06:01Nope.
06:02Nope.
06:02Nope.
06:03Nope.
06:04Nope.
06:05Nope.
06:06Nope.
06:06Nope.
06:07Nope.
06:08Nope.
06:08Nope.
06:09Oh, sorry.
06:18Oh, sorry.
06:27Well, uh, what now?
06:29Well, we went from the guys you hired to bring back my furniture.
06:32You mean the guys you hired?
06:34Oh, Norman, just give it up.
06:36Just call out to the guys and tell them to bring back my furniture.
06:39Oh, Norman, come on.
06:42It's been eight hours.
06:43Someone's got to say it.
06:45We've been robbed.
06:52I mean, they took everything we have, and you just sat there and watched them.
06:55What do you want from me?
06:56You were the one who made them coffee.
06:57All right, will you just stay comfortable?
07:05I'm going to call the police.
07:06Now, wait, wait.
07:06What are you going to tell them?
07:07Yes, officer, we watched them rob the place, but we've changed our mind.
07:10We want our furniture back.
07:14No, I mean, this is serious.
07:16We've got to do something.
07:16My mother's very fussy.
07:18When she comes home from work, she's not going to want to plop down on the floor and stick her feet up in the air.
07:27I mean, how much you think her furniture that you watch being taken away is worth, huh?
07:31Well, I'd say the furniture that you gave them the elevator key for is worth somewhere around $3,000.
07:44I've got an idea.
07:45We could sell your furniture, and with the money we get from that, we can buy a good breakfast.
07:55And then we can figure out a way to get the money for the new furniture.
07:58My furniture may not be great, but come 10 o'clock tonight, I'll know where it is.
08:09Let's just stop bickering, all right?
08:13Hey, there we go.
08:14Yeah.
08:15What we need is what they call a business opportunity.
08:19Here you go.
08:23Here we go.
08:24Lost.
08:25My precious cockapoo.
08:26White.
08:27Answers to Tuffy.
08:27$500 reward.
08:28What do you say we look for Tuffy?
08:30Right.
08:32We'll scour the state yelling, Tuffy, who, knowing we need money, will run to us, jump in your lap, and bring five friends.
08:41One on a silver platter, huh?
08:45Here we go.
08:45Listen to this.
08:47Do you really know your dad?
08:48Do you really know your son?
08:50Would you like to win unlimited money and prizes?
08:52If so, we want you as a contestant on the new and exciting game show, Dad, me, Norman, we're home!
08:57Now, look, it takes time to get on a game show.
08:59You can't just yell, pick me, pick me, and bam, you're on.
09:02Hey, people are suckers for sob stories.
09:05Why don't you write us a heart-wrenching letter and get us on the show?
09:07We're not even related.
09:09You've never seen Mom real angry, have you?
09:16Son.
09:19Dad.
09:20I did it!
09:30I've got us on the show!
09:31What a life!
09:33Now, I decided to go the medical route.
09:35I came up with a very touching story.
09:37Harry, what are you suffering from?
09:39Why, nothing.
09:39I thought it would be much more touching if you were the one who had been bitten by a titsy fly.
09:45And had a habit of dozing off every now and then.
09:48Me?
09:49Hey, come on, now.
09:50All you've got to do is go nyang and do this a few times.
09:54Norman, you should be the one who's suffering from something.
09:57I have friends who might see me.
09:59You have nothing.
10:02I have furniture.
10:06A valid point.
10:08Now, wait a second.
10:09What's our name?
10:10It's not Lamb, is it?
10:13Yep.
10:15Matthew Lamb.
10:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:18Seymour.
10:22Seymour Lamb.
10:25Why didn't you just call me Mary Hattie Little?
10:30That would have been silly, instead of just cruel.
10:32Besides, you were named after my dear uncle, the Arctic Explorer.
10:37It's all here in my biography.
10:39Now, the game depends on how well we know each other, so you better start studying.
10:43You were raised by wolves.
10:49Want to make it interesting?
10:50Here's your bio.
10:51Well, I wear a toop.
11:00They shaved your head when you were bitten by the teatsy fly.
11:02My favorite color.
11:06Uh, blue.
11:07My best friend's shoe size.
11:07Uh, 7D.
11:08Uh, the animal I'd most like to be.
11:10Uh, Canada Goose.
11:11Uh, my first fishing trip.
11:12Uh, Big Bear Lake.
11:131976.
11:14Small mouth bass.
11:15Two pounds, four ounces.
11:16My first card.
11:17Uh, 63 Ford Falcon.
11:18My best basketball shot.
11:19The turnaround jumper.
11:20How much are we gonna win?
11:2130,000 bucks.
11:21Yes.
11:25Hey, hey, hey.
11:26It's Jimmy J.
11:32You're looking good today.
11:34I'm looking good today.
11:35And Doreen.
11:36Ooh, baby.
11:37Ooh, baby, Jimmy.
11:40And we can sit on Doreen later, because now it's time to find out if the apple falls far from the tree as we play the next game of Dan and Me.
11:48Ha, ha, okay.
11:49Okay.
11:51Okay.
11:53First, first, let's welcome our challengers from Van Nuys, California, Norman and Seymour Lab.
12:03Well, Norman, I see that you're a freelance crop duster and an oil wildcatter, and that you enjoy skiing and grilled cheese sandwiches.
12:12Sounds like an exciting life.
12:14It is, Jim.
12:14Or rather, it was until this little frog eater came along.
12:20Okay.
12:21Now, let's welcome back our champions here on the seventh straight day of Dad and Me, Bill and Bill Jr. Williams.
12:31Whoa!
12:33Well, Bill and Bill, rarely has there been a father and son so alike.
12:36Well, we do have our differences.
12:39Dad prefers a number two pencil, while I prefer a two and a half.
12:43Kids.
12:46Norman, look at these two.
12:48That kid's a clone.
12:49Don't worry.
12:50Don't worry.
12:50Dressing alike isn't being alike.
12:52Bless him.
12:53Two!
12:53Think it's too late to start looking for Tuffy?
12:57Well, it should be an interesting match.
13:01Now, Doreen, could you explain the rules for us, please?
13:04Sure, Jim.
13:05Our fathers and sons were put into isolation where they answered questions about themselves.
13:09Being first to know your partner's answer is worth ten points, and the first team to reach 40 points gets to play the bonus round where you can win...
13:16...valuable prizes for the whole family.
13:19Sorry.
13:22Whole family?
13:23Why don't you try entire family?
13:29Anyway, that's our game.
13:31It may be fun.
13:32It may be embarrassing.
13:33It may be off the air in 13 weeks.
13:35But that's what Dad and Me is all about.
13:37Okay.
13:38Clear.
13:41Okay, lads.
13:42Now that you've wished each other good luck.
13:44We asked your dads.
13:45If you could be any wild...
13:47Mustang, Jim.
13:49Oh, that's correct.
13:50We asked Bill if he could be any wild animal, what would he be?
13:53And he answered, a wild horse or Mustang?
13:55How about that?
13:56Okay, let's see what the dads can do.
13:58Nice work.
14:02Okay, ready to dance?
14:04We asked your lads to name their favorite...
14:07Pork fried rice.
14:08I was about to say favorite food, and pork fried rice is absolutely correct.
14:12Hey!
14:15We're dead.
14:18Don't worry about a thing, Norman.
14:19We can't lose.
14:20I have an idea.
14:22Okay, teams.
14:23Now, this next question is worth 20 points.
14:25And 40 points goes on to the next round.
14:27But the trailing team does have the right to go double or nothing.
14:31So what's it gonna be, lads?
14:32I don't even know what you said.
14:35We'll go double or nothing.
14:36All right, whoever gets this next question will play for prizes for the whole family,
14:40right after this commercial message.
14:49All right, I got an idea.
14:51We go to the pound, we get a dog, we spray paint it white, we call it Tuffy...
14:54Norman, have some good things.
14:56Listen, all you need is a diversion.
14:58Do me a favor.
14:59What?
15:00Ow!
15:00Ow!
15:01Ow!
15:01Ow!
15:02Ow!
15:03Ow!
15:03Ow!
15:04Ow!
15:04Ow!
15:05Ow!
15:05Ow!
15:05Ow!
15:07Ow!
15:07Ow!
15:07Ow!
15:11Oh, come on, he was raised by wolves.
15:13Just an old bear trap injury acting up again.
15:15He's fine.
15:16It's fine.
15:17Ow!
15:17Ow!
15:17Ow!
15:17Ow!
15:17Ow!
15:18Ow!
15:19Ow!
15:20Ow!
15:21Ow!
15:22Ow!
15:23Ow!
15:24Ow!
15:25Ow!
15:26Ow!
15:27Ow!
15:28What was for the best advice that he asked was...
15:30What were the last words you said to your wife?
15:34The Lamb's buzzing first, can you take it, Seymour?
15:36Uh, yes, Jim, I believe it was.
15:38Don't worry about a thing, honey.
15:38You can count on me.
15:40That's absolutely correct!
15:41Ow!
15:47Laugherm.
15:48But my buzzer doesn't work, I pressed first.
15:51Jim, I demand an explanation.
15:54His buzzer doesn't work.
15:57You two, call them a cab. They're embarrassing themselves and your show.
16:02Oh, they're right. This buzzer is defective.
16:06My gosh, you're right.
16:08Folks, the show has seemed to mean an error, which kind of cost people the game.
16:13So, what say you give them a consolation prize?
16:16Doreen, what do we have for them?
16:17Oh, uh, nothing.
16:22Tell them, don't.
16:22Listen, they've been swung contestants, so why don't we bring them back next week only in different sweaters?
16:33That is so cute.
16:36What do we win?
16:37Well, why don't we play that bonus round and find out.
16:40All right.
16:44Now, here's where you play for prizes for the whole family until the water in our mystery bucket runs out.
16:50Okay, so, Seymour, why don't you spin the wheel and we'll find out who we're playing for.
16:57Coming around to...
17:00Sis!
17:00Okay!
17:01Doreen, what do we have for Sis?
17:02It's a portable stereo with knobs and everything.
17:08How about that?
17:09Okay, fine.
17:11For the stereo, Seymour, within two pounds, how much weight has your father gained since high school?
17:17Uh, well, he was kind of a string bean in high school, although he's no tongue-in-the-jungle-man now.
17:24Uh, yeah, uh, 12 pounds of sinewy muscle, Jim.
17:27That's absolutely correct!
17:29All right!
17:30Okay, that's interesting.
17:31And we're gonna come right up here on Bro for Brother.
17:39All right, let's find out what we have for Brother.
17:41A telescope with a built-in infrared camera, perfect for keeping close tabs on his favorite heavenly bodies and...
17:48Why, you can even see through it, Jim!
17:51She's something, isn't she?
17:54Of course, uh...
17:55Seymour, we know you're not the type of guy that ever used that to spy on your neighbors, huh?
18:04No!
18:05Okay.
18:07All right, Norman, for the telescope, Seymour says he loves to fish.
18:11Can you describe the first fish he landed?
18:14Simple.
18:14Oh, it was a, uh, small-mouthed mudsucker.
18:18Oh!
18:19Oh, I'm sorry.
18:20It's a small-mouthed bass.
18:23Oh, darn!
18:24Let me have another try.
18:25Norman, why did you do that?
18:27You know I've been saving up for one of those.
18:29We are here to win furniture, and that's it, Seymour.
18:32Ooh, the water's going quickly!
18:35Okay, Doreen!
18:37Find out who we're playing for this round.
18:41And it's gonna be Mom!
18:42Okay, Doreen, what do we have for Mom?
18:45Wow, it's furniture, Jim!
18:48An entire room full of this stuff, and it's from the Norris Catalog of Erie, Pennsylvania!
18:53Okay!
18:55Okay, for the furniture, here's your question, Norman.
18:58Name something Seymour does that he doesn't think you know about.
19:03Well, he's normally such a good son, but he sometimes doesn't brush after every meal!
19:08That's absolutely correct!
19:10Okay, guys, guys, guys, hey, I know you're happy, but you've still got enough time for
19:19one more spin.
19:20I don't care!
19:22I do, it's my show.
19:23Oh.
19:25Find out who we're playing for.
19:28And it's...
19:30Dad!
19:31Okay!
19:31Doreen, let's find out what Seymour can win for Dad!
19:34It's a brand-new car!
19:40Oh!
19:52Oh, baby!
19:53One question away from that car, and here's your question now.
19:57Hang on a second, Jimbo.
19:58Go call your agent or something.
20:00I need a quick word with my son.
20:01I want that car.
20:03I wanted that telescope.
20:05I didn't know that.
20:05Please get me that car.
20:08Don't make me hit you, Jim.
20:12Please win me that car.
20:14It's a nice car, isn't it?
20:17Please.
20:19I'm begging you in front of millions of people.
20:21Well, okay.
20:32Bless you.
20:33Let it roll, Jim!
20:35Yes.
20:35Good of you, okay.
20:36We're right here.
20:37Please.
20:39Who, baby?
20:40One question away from that car, and here's that question now.
20:43What was your father's first car?
20:46No problem, Jim.
20:55It was a...
20:57Yang.
21:01No!
21:02No, no!
21:03No, no, no!
21:04Wake up!
21:05Wake up and answer the question!
21:07Wake up!
21:07Wake up and answer the question!
21:11He told me!
21:12He got it right!
21:14Go straight back and it's empty, Jim.
21:15Oh, I'm sorry!
21:17We're out of time, but you were a wonderful contestant!
21:19No, no, no!
21:20It's not over yet!
21:21The audience is still here!
21:22The audience is still here!
21:23Somebody fill the stinking bucket!
21:25Give us another shot!
21:31Father?
21:34Did we win the car?
21:39That's all we're going to have today!
21:41Join the bar for a man!
21:43Hey, buddy!
21:51How was school?
21:54Oh, not as bad as it's going to be when the show airs and people start calling me Seymour,
21:59going yang, and checking my hair for blue.
22:05It was just a real treat being your son.
22:07Oh, thank you.
22:08But there is one thing that bothers me.
22:11What's that?
22:11You still haven't admitted that you needed me.
22:14Would you just admit that by yourself you couldn't have gotten a new set of furniture?
22:19Norman, if it makes you feel any better, I probably couldn't have done it without you.
22:23Great.
22:23That's all I wanted to know.
22:28Norman!
22:28What's this, all the old furniture's back?
22:31I guess I must have found the robbers.
22:33Well, not exactly.
22:36See, uh, I did hire them.
22:43Wait a second.
22:46You mean we did all of this for nothing?
22:50Well, not exactly nothing.
22:53You see, you admitted you needed me.
22:56And quite frankly, I needed you.
23:06Thanks for the new furniture, son.
23:08Thanks for the new furniture, son.
23:38Thanks for the new furniture, son.