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Short filmTranscript
00:00We're known as the Smarty Pants Society, intellectuals who gather in the dead of night to swap ideas and share discoveries.
00:07This week, you'll hear from Anna Raho, Shane Topp, and Jordan Myricks.
00:13Welcome to Smarty Pants.
00:15Presenters are responsible for their own research. The makers of this program cannot guarantee anything they say is accurate.
00:20Welcome, members of the Smarty Pants Society.
00:23I'm your host, Rekha Shankar, and tonight's speakers have prepared presentations on a topic of their choice.
00:28But before we begin, let us say our sacred motto.
00:33A penny for your thoughts, but $5 for our thoughts.
00:38Very good. Now, let's bring up our first presenter.
00:46So I stand before you 6'1 in a kitten heel, okay? I didn't get this way by not eating a lot of dinner.
00:53I have been eating dinner since I came out of the womb, all right?
00:56I love dinner. For breakfast, what am I having?
01:00Dinner.
01:00Exactly. For lunch, what am I eating?
01:02Dinner.
01:02Yeah. For dinner, what am I eating?
01:04Third dinner.
01:05When I'm having sex with my girlfriend, what am I eating?
01:07Pussy.
01:08And dinner, yes.
01:09At the same time, exactly.
01:11Breakfast is for meetings. It's boring.
01:13Breakfast is at an airport.
01:14It's with your parents, right?
01:17It's continental.
01:18Lunch is for catching up with someone you don't really like.
01:20It's for an ex.
01:21You have a layover in Toronto.
01:23It's for networking.
01:25It's uncomfortable at best, right?
01:27Dinner is sexy.
01:30Yeah.
01:30It is the only meal that is arousing.
01:33Yeah, right.
01:34And dinner parties are fun, right? I've never been to a lunch party that was fun. That's
01:38just a board meeting, okay?
01:39Yeah, right.
01:40And I'm here to teach you how to throw a successful dinner party.
01:46Yeah.
01:47It all starts with the invitation. It's setting the tone for the whole soiree.
01:54You could start a rumor, all right? Jordan, I hear that you were looking at properties
01:59in Malibu. Okay, that's an intriguing rumor, right? It's giving wealthy. It's giving, are
02:05you moving away?
02:06Hire a singing telegram.
02:07Wow.
02:08Come to dinner, come to dinner. Go up to a good-looking group eating outdoors at a restaurant
02:12and insist that you're hosting next. Imagine I don't know you.
02:15Yeah, you convinced me.
02:16You could send a card with a note that says, let's start over dinner party this Friday.
02:21What happened?
02:22Exactly, exactly.
02:23If you don't know what happened and you get a card saying, let's start over, you think
02:27you've made a mistake and you must attend to repair the rupture you weren't aware occurred.
02:32Right.
02:32Who do you invite to your dinner party? Someone who will arrive overdressed.
02:35Ooh.
02:36Michelle Obama, Diane Keaton, someone that's going to come in making a statement, right?
02:40Yeah.
02:41Someone with a brooch, okay? Ty, I'm inviting you, right?
02:44Gorgeous.
02:44Yeah, someone younger, but not a baby.
02:47I'm sorry, Lily, I'm sorry. We're going to leave your baby at home because, you know, babies
02:51don't eat dinner yet.
02:53No.
02:54Someone older.
02:55Hmm.
02:55A silver fox, Anderson Cooper, I don't know.
02:58Someone dramatic, Rekha, right?
02:59Somebody who's just going to stir the pot, but in a fun way.
03:03Yeah, me too.
03:03Someone you just met.
03:05There's a fear, a newness, an excitement.
03:08Someone who will bring a weird accessory everyone can try on.
03:13A bolero, a bolo tie, a cape, a monocle, a feathery hat, a big ring.
03:18And then everyone starts trying on the cape and suddenly we're all twirling and you're
03:22like, I didn't know who I was until I tried on your dinner party guest's cape.
03:26At least three gay people.
03:28One gay person is homophobic.
03:30Two gay people is heteronormative.
03:33Three gay people we are cooking, all right?
03:35Someone flirty, but respectful, right?
03:37Someone that is going to be aware of the boundaries, but bring that sensual, sexual tension that we
03:45need.
03:45You're like, wow, what's in this sauce?
03:49Someone you have beef with.
03:50There was something that happened and you're like, look, I want to make it right.
03:55I want to repair it.
03:56So what to serve, all right?
03:58An interactive beverage involving any of the following.
04:02Fire, hot, a fun straw, curly, wavy, something alive, a worm and a tequila.
04:08I don't know, right?
04:09Just something.
04:10I don't know.
04:11A horse and a beer.
04:12A horse and a beer.
04:13I don't know.
04:14A unicorn in a michelada, whatever.
04:16Food that is either very large or very small.
04:21A giant bowl of soup.
04:23Crawfish boil, chili cookout, a bathtub full of matzo ball soup, right?
04:27Something big.
04:28It's like, whoa, the scale makes me want to stay.
04:31What is in that soup?
04:32It looks like fried chicken?
04:33This is a fried chicken kale apple bacon soup.
04:36Right?
04:37This could potentially be a single serving.
04:39Yes.
04:39If this is my plate, then what is the big vessel this was all made with?
04:42Exactly.
04:43A ton of tiny hamburgers.
04:45Wow.
04:46Right?
04:46If you go somewhere and you're like, one serving size of hamburgers is 52 hamburgers, amazing.
04:52That's a deck of cards.
04:53Okay.
04:53Oh, my God.
04:54I'm just...
04:55How to make your dinner party entertaining?
04:57People need to experience the five core emotions.
05:00And as I call them out, do them with me.
05:03Anger.
05:03Hire an actor to behave rudely to one of your guests and then demand that they leave.
05:09Right.
05:09So, I need an actor to volunteer.
05:11Cameron, yeah.
05:12Yeah, sure.
05:12Please, please.
05:13Hi, Cameron.
05:14Welcome.
05:14Come on in.
05:15Hey, you're pretty tall.
05:16Too many gay people.
05:17This soup is ridiculous.
05:19Get out of the dinner party.
05:21Get out.
05:22Get out.
05:23Get out.
05:23Oh, my God.
05:24That was so rude.
05:25We felt anger, you know?
05:27Yeah.
05:27Yeah.
05:27When you said, you're too tall, I said, no, I'm not.
05:30I think I just said tall.
05:31Oh.
05:31Well, I don't want you to.
05:32I don't want you to run into it.
05:34Yes.
05:34I'm going to run into it.
05:37Sadness.
05:37Have a puppy delivered to the dinner party.
05:40So, we're going to pretend.
05:42Aw.
05:44And everyone has their own puppy.
05:47You bonded.
05:48Oh, it's adorable.
05:48And then I come, and I'm like, hi, I'm so sorry.
05:54That puppy that you've fallen in love with, it was actually a mistake, and I need to collect
05:59it.
05:59So, I'm just going to take that puppy.
06:01No.
06:01Yeah.
06:01I have to take it.
06:02From, yeah, yes, I'm sorry, one, yeah, it's actually no longer yours to hold and snuggle.
06:07You're never going to know where they go.
06:09No.
06:09Oh.
06:11You've experienced something tragic together.
06:14Fear.
06:15Facilitate a power outage and a scary phone call from a ghost.
06:19Why would a ghost need to use the phone?
06:21Rekha, you're the ghost.
06:23Brrring.
06:25Brrring.
06:26Hello.
06:27Hello.
06:28I have your soul.
06:30Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:32Exactly.
06:33Terrifying.
06:34Joy, find a briefcase full of $10,000 cash, and I give every single one of you $1,000.
06:42What are you doing with your $1,000?
06:44Pasta for everyone.
06:45I'm going to put it into savings.
06:47Oh, no.
06:48Boo.
06:49Boo.
06:50Anger.
06:50Anger.
06:51I'm buying a bigger soup.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Okay.
06:54Same ticket.
06:55Yes.
06:55I find those puppies, and I make sure they're okay.
06:58Aw.
07:00Joy.
07:01Disgust.
07:01I'm going to insist that everyone eat a cultural delicacy.
07:04I'm Salvadorian.
07:05Everyone has to eat a raw onion that has been ripped apart, filled with raw garlic, dipped
07:11in peanut butter, shoved up the ass with jalapeno.
07:14We're going to consume it whole.
07:16Everyone eat it up.
07:17Ah!
07:17Actually, I'm so sorry.
07:19I made a mistake.
07:20That's not a cultural delicacy.
07:22Now you're just going to have weird poops.
07:24Oh.
07:25Everyone's disgusted.
07:26But you felt something.
07:28Yeah.
07:28Together.
07:29Right.
07:29Yeah.
07:30Most importantly, make sure the following things happen.
07:33A make-out between two strangers.
07:34Okay, sexy.
07:35Something to write home about.
07:36Some gossip to continue the evening on, right?
07:39A drink gets thrown in someone's face.
07:40Between a couple that's fighting.
07:42Right?
07:42You're like, no!
07:43Right?
07:44And then they come out wet, and you're like, what happened in the bathroom?
07:47A friendship is rekindled.
07:48That person you had beef with, we came together.
07:50That's nice.
07:51Converted.
07:52Everyone gets emailed the link to your salad dressing recipe.
07:55C-seed or B-c-seed?
07:57I think it depends on how many make-outs happened.
07:59Got it.
07:59Okay.
08:00Right?
08:00You know, I think that's up to the host to decide.
08:02That, in conclusion, is everything you need to know about how to throw a successful dinner
08:09party.
08:10That's so helpful.
08:11Anna, thank you so much for that enlightening presentation.
08:16And now for the Q&A.
08:17If you were to seat all of us at a table, where would you place us?
08:21Oh, wow.
08:22The most important seat is not at the heads.
08:24It's in the middle.
08:25Yep.
08:26It's in the middle.
08:26So we're fanning out.
08:27If I hate you, you're at either head.
08:29Yes.
08:30So, you know, we'll see.
08:31Who brings a nice olive oil or a bundt cake?
08:34I'm curious how you handle dietary restrictions.
08:40I don't.
08:40How many gay people would you say is too many gay people at one dinner party?
08:44I think that there needs to be at least 20% not gay people.
08:48Wow.
08:49Oh.
08:49That high.
08:50Maybe that's high.
08:50Maybe that's high.
08:51What if, on the off chance, the off chance, the two people with beef that you've invited
08:56do not resolve their beef?
08:58What if they escalate their beef at your party?
09:00If they escalate by throwing a drink in someone's face, then it's okay.
09:04Okay.
09:05Now, it does seem like your condo will be filthy after this party where there's been animals
09:09and drink throwing.
09:11How do you handle that?
09:12As no gay person has ever done, I will not live in filth.
09:16So I will figure it out and it will be spick and span ready for the next dinner party the
09:20following weekend.
09:21Wow.
09:21Following weekend.
09:22What's for dessert?
09:24Ice cream.
09:25Yeah.
09:26Nice.
09:27What kind?
09:28Mango sorbet.
09:30Oh.
09:31Okay.
09:32And an apple tart and a chocolate fudge cake.
09:35Oh, thank you.
09:36I love it.
09:36Buried the lead.
09:37Board games?
09:38No.
09:39No.
09:40Please.
09:41No.
09:41Please, Anna.
09:42No.
09:42No.
09:43For me?
09:43No.
09:44This is flirty.
09:44This is sexy.
09:45There's soup.
09:46We don't need board games.
09:47We need board games.
09:48Please.
09:49Well, you can be one of the straight people.
09:52Anna, thank you so much.
09:54Woo!
10:02I came into this world as a baby, as most of us do.
10:05And as I've aged, experience has molded me into different versions of myself.
10:12At the end of my life, I'll look back and realize that every year, I was basically a completely
10:18different Shane.
10:19If I live to be, say, 75, that's 75 different Shanes that will have existed.
10:25Now, imagine if they could all be in one place at one time.
10:30What would they say to one another?
10:32What would they think of each other?
10:33And most importantly, how would they determine which one of them is the best?
10:39The answer?
10:42They will battle to the death.
10:45This is how I would win the Battle of the Shanes.
10:49Spy, obviously, the most powerful version of Shane Top.
10:52Age 33.
10:53Okay.
10:54Now, let's first establish the battlefield.
10:57We have an arena where we'll all be transported to via some sort of time-space manipulation.
11:02It comes with a moat, a spike pit, and, of course, a tiger, similar to gladiator, to spice things
11:08up a bit, as well as melee weapons and traps that'll be scattered about the field.
11:13The ground rules.
11:15None.
11:16Whoa.
11:17No ground rules.
11:19Whoa.
11:19I like that.
11:20This is Mies we're talking about.
11:22Whoa.
11:22Okay?
11:23Rules don't apply.
11:24We need to figure out who is best by any means necessary.
11:28What of the children?
11:29Aw.
11:30Oh, someone got to kill them.
11:31That's it.
11:33Let's see, you're wrong.
11:35No one has to kill them.
11:37How, you might ask?
11:38Easy.
11:39Let the environment handle them.
11:43Wow.
11:43Ages 1 through 3.
11:45Can't swim.
11:46See, when I was 18 months old, I nearly drowned in our pool.
11:49Luckily, my mom knew CPR and was able to resuscitate me.
11:52All I'm saying is this time, we just don't do that.
11:55Yeah.
11:55Pretty simple.
11:56Revolutionary.
11:57Ages 4 through 9.
11:58Clumsy.
11:59Stupid.
12:00Yeah.
12:00They're going to fall into that spike pit within minutes.
12:04Let's be real.
12:05Ages 10 through 13, I thought I had a special connection with animals.
12:12I really thought animals like me more than most people.
12:16Yeah.
12:17So they will no doubt get eaten by the tiger.
12:20Finally, teenagers 14 through 17 will no doubt give up hope when they see their future.
12:27I see, I see.
12:28Okay.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Let's get to the real battle here.
12:31Tips for survival.
12:33Number one, don't hesitate.
12:34Yeah.
12:35Shanes are indecisive creatures.
12:38They never in their entire history have made the first move.
12:42So if you do that, you're going to get them.
12:44Okay.
12:45Next up, play dirty.
12:46Most shanes in this battlefield are going to try to play with some sort of honor.
12:50Don't do that.
12:51Okay.
12:51Be a bad person.
12:53Appear weak.
12:54Shanes are easily guilt tripped.
12:57Okay.
12:57Yeah.
12:58Target the ankles, the weak point of any Shane.
13:0390% will perish within minutes.
13:06There's only been a few peaks in my life.
13:08Okay.
13:09And we're about to meet them because these are the contenders.
13:14Yeah.
13:16Great.
13:17Clap for them before I kill them.
13:19Number one, we have 19-year-old Shane.
13:23That smile is ridiculous.
13:25Yeah.
13:26Dying his hair.
13:27He's doing a lot.
13:28He's putting on a lot of facade that's going to come up soon.
13:31Strengths.
13:32Full of hope and confidence.
13:33He's 19.
13:35He's only been in LA for a couple years.
13:37Bright future ahead of him.
13:39Got that Disney energy.
13:42He's on Disney Channel for this year and this year only.
13:46He thinks things are going to be looking up for the next few years.
13:50He doesn't know he's going to be unemployed for like four years after this.
13:54But for this time, in those eyes, there is hope.
13:58Lastly, still a virgin.
14:00You know.
14:01Yeah.
14:03Flat armor.
14:04I don't know.
14:04He can't die.
14:05He's got too much to live for.
14:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:08Now, some weaknesses.
14:10Wears lifts in his shoes.
14:12He was wearing boots every day so that he could fit those lifts in there.
14:18I don't even think they did that much.
14:20But it makes him clumsy because they're very uncomfortable.
14:25Wears tight jeans.
14:26It's 2010.
14:28Okay?
14:28People are wearing some tight jeans and his jeans are tight.
14:32His mobility, not great.
14:34Wow.
14:34And still a virgin.
14:36Come on.
14:37The strategy.
14:38Psychological warfare.
14:40Target his insecurities and the reality of his lifts.
14:43Okay?
14:44Shout things out at him that will mess him up.
14:48You're not 5'9".
14:49Everybody knows it.
14:53And you're also never going to become 5'9".
14:55That growth spurt's not coming, man.
14:56I'm sorry.
14:57When he's kind of in a daze there, disrupt his balance.
15:00Sweep the knee.
15:01The combo of the lifts and tight jeans is going to topple right over and then finishing blow.
15:08Moving on.
15:1026-year-old Shane.
15:12Yeah.
15:13Some time has passed.
15:15A lot of strengths here.
15:16He's discovering himself.
15:18He's fresh out of a breakup.
15:20He's got a new zest for life.
15:21He's learning how to cook.
15:23He's learning how to style himself.
15:24He's gotten rid of those lifts.
15:26He's bought a headboard.
15:27Okay?
15:28He's moving up.
15:29He's becoming an adult.
15:30Right.
15:31Defends.
15:31Balance of strength and agility.
15:33I mean, he's in good shape.
15:35And pretty intelligent.
15:36He's been taking classes online at Arizona State University for seven years now.
15:44Lots of knowledge.
15:45And he's got three more years before he finally gets that bachelor's degree.
15:50That's a strength.
15:51But still wears tight jeans.
15:52In fact, this was the brief period of time in my life where I was into raw denim.
15:58Those are jeans where the denim is not broken in, so it's basically like wearing rocks.
16:03So his mobility is probably worse than 19-year-old Shane.
16:06And he's too kind.
16:07He's simply too kind, man.
16:10He's naive.
16:10He's naive.
16:11These past few years have hardened me in ways he has not experienced yet.
16:16The strategy, gain his trust and betray his trust.
16:20We don't have to do this.
16:24We don't have to do this.
16:26What are we doing?
16:27And he's going to look at you and he's going to go, you're right.
16:29If we band together, maybe all of us can end this whole charade.
16:34And then you stab him.
16:35No.
16:36Right then and there.
16:37And he's dead.
16:38Taken care of.
16:39Wow.
16:40Finally, the one I fear the most, 65-year-old Shane.
16:45Ooh, poppy.
16:46Okay.
16:47Okay, I'm glad.
16:49Some positive reactions.
16:50I was not expecting that.
16:52That's nice.
16:52He's looking good.
16:53He looks good.
16:54He's pretty good.
16:56Your opinion's about to change.
17:00Strength's fully insane.
17:04This guy is letting his sack swing in the LA Fitness locker room.
17:10He's that guy.
17:13Old man strength.
17:14Yeah.
17:14It's real.
17:15Look, he has a grip that could break a two by four.
17:17This next strength, I'm ashamed to admit.
17:21See, I like to think that I will age naturally and gracefully.
17:25But I know at some point the technology is going to be there.
17:30And I'm not going to be able to deny it.
17:32I will become a cyborg.
17:34Yeah.
17:35Wow, there it is.
17:36He is perhaps more machine than man at this point.
17:38But the Shane is still in there and I have to fight him.
17:41Weaknesses.
17:43None.
17:44He has no weaknesses.
17:47But don't fear.
17:49I've thought about this and I can plan for this.
17:52The strategy.
17:53I'll keep my distance.
17:55And when the time is right.
17:57Wait.
17:59Where is he?
18:00No.
18:01Uh-oh.
18:01Oh my God.
18:02No.
18:02Oh, shit.
18:05Oh, no.
18:06No.
18:06He's right behind me, isn't he?
18:08Uh-oh.
18:10Oh!
18:11Oh!
18:14His robot hand blasts through my chest.
18:17A fatal blow, one would think.
18:19I sit there looking at his bloody robot hand mocking me.
18:26And I chuckle to myself because 65-year-old Shane doesn't realize that here's the thing
18:32about 33-year-old Shane.
18:34He's the most insane of them all.
18:35Oh!
18:36And I grab his robot hand and I break it off!
18:39Yeah!
18:40Wow.
18:40And then I slam it into his face!
18:42That's what I'm talking about!
18:44And he falls to the ground, meeting a brutal end.
18:47Ooh.
18:48And I stand there amongst the broken and mangled Shane's victorious.
18:54And I wonder, what was it all for?
18:57I'm the best Shane.
18:59But at what cost?
19:01And you see, this is all about how we try to achieve greatness by destroying ourselves.
19:07Or some shit.
19:09I don't know.
19:10Thanks.
19:11Woo!
19:13Shane.
19:14Thank you so much for that enlightening presentation.
19:17Now, to kick off the Q&A.
19:19The hole in your chest?
19:20Yeah.
19:21That's fine?
19:22Yeah, it's typically fine.
19:23That's a Shane thing.
19:25If it's fine with you, it's fine with me.
19:27Yeah, yeah.
19:28It's just a little bit different.
19:30Early Shanes are dead.
19:31Future Shanes are dead.
19:33How does the butterfly effect come into this situation?
19:37Oh, you see, I think this is a little bit more of a psychologically horrific situation
19:41where we kind of all teleport to this and it's kind of in a different realm where we're dead
19:47in that realm, but we come back to our realm, we forget about it all, but we still have the physical feelings of the trauma.
19:54The hole.
19:55So, every year at one time, at the same time every year, I just wake up in a panicked sweat feeling awful.
20:02Does the murdering have to happen?
20:04Could it be seducing other Shanes?
20:07Hmm.
20:08That, see that, oddly enough, morally speaking, this is a little more okay.
20:13I see what you're saying.
20:14Because you don't want to hit on a kid.
20:15Yeah.
20:16No, the kids are still in, the kids are still dead.
20:18Oh, so the kids will still die.
20:20The kids are still dead, but you didn't murder them.
20:22Okay, I like that line of thinking then.
20:24I'll think about that.
20:26We'll talk.
20:27At what age do you outgrow thinking that animals think you're special?
20:32Because I'm still waiting for that.
20:34That's a nice question.
20:35Around 14 was when I finally had an animal just not like me.
20:38You know, or maybe I just came out of the denial that animals didn't like me.
20:43Who was it?
20:43At some point in a zoo when a chimp ignored me.
20:46And I was just like, true story though.
20:49At, I think it was around 11 or 12, I did throw a boomerang into my neighbor's yard.
20:54And they had a German shepherd.
20:55And I jumped into their yard to get the boomerang.
21:00And luckily the German shepherd was cool.
21:02But I had reason to believe what I believed then.
21:05Put the chimp on the shepherd.
21:06I don't know.
21:07Oh, the chimp is murdering me, for sure.
21:09I'm just talking about like a horse idea.
21:11Oh, you say a chimp instead.
21:12This might go under horse ideas for the society.
21:15It might apply to you, Shane, but if it doesn't, we'll put that under horse ideas.
21:19We're pitching this next week.
21:20We're doing horse ideas.
21:21No, horse ideas is next week.
21:22Horse ideas later.
21:22Which is just different ways to kind of have an idea of a horse.
21:25I understand about the question with Drew.
21:28No, no, it's still good.
21:30No, no, you're just a little early.
21:32Okay.
21:33I haven't even started working on my horse ideas, so you're ahead of me.
21:36I've been working on them for a year.
21:37Those are all Shanes that are much younger or older than you.
21:41What is it that makes you so sure you could kill 32-year-old and 34-year-old Shane?
21:49So very, it's actually, it was unfortunate that became very fortunate for me.
21:54I broke my ankle when I was 29.
21:57So 29, 30, you know, the rehab takes a long time.
22:00Like, I got back to doing normal things, but I think I can get the edge on them.
22:05And 34-year-old Shane, I get kind of the edge on because right before I turn 34,
22:11I'm going to probably get really, really drunk, put a bear trap next to my bed
22:16so that I wake up the next morning, tumble out of bed, and then snap my ankle on that.
22:21So I can kind of sabotage future Shanes.
22:25Starting in 34, I plan on just smoking a pack a day.
22:28And just really trying to mess myself up.
22:30But then 65-year-old Shane is going to become a cyborg, erase all that.
22:35But I'm going to do my best to mess myself up for the rest of my life.
22:38So 65-year-old Shane is a certified hottie.
22:41Oh, really?
22:42Oh, yeah.
22:42Wow, okay.
22:43And why are you so convinced he would go to the Coliseum and not just to the club?
22:47Whoa.
22:48That's a good point.
22:49I mean, I'd like to think that at some point in my life, I will feel comfortable in a club.
22:54I'm bad at dancing.
22:56I feel so nervous.
22:58That's a really hopeful future for me.
23:01I, too, am intrigued by 65-year-old Shane.
23:04Daddy.
23:05I'm wondering which Shane, 65-year-old Shane, would fuck, marry, and kill.
23:12Got it.
23:13And he feels like the big question.
23:14You're asking me who my future self of me he would want to fuck.
23:20Yeah.
23:21I couldn't stop being about this.
23:22Which Shane would want to fuck which Shane?
23:25Daddy Shane.
23:26I'm asking Daddy Shane from the photo.
23:29Did you bring out Daddy Shane?
23:30Okay, hold on.
23:31I can bring back Daddy Shane.
23:33You are back, Shane.
23:35Leave fully insane.
23:36We're back to this guy.
23:39That's the hot part.
23:42That's what makes him hot.
23:42That's what makes him hot, man, fully insane.
23:45Well, and also, he drinks good wine.
23:47You know, there's some...
23:48He drives a Porsche, you know what I mean?
23:49He drives a Porsche about it.
23:50He's haggling at the gas station.
23:52We love this guy.
23:53He has a second house.
23:54Wow.
23:55Okay.
23:55I mean, frankly, I don't know.
23:57I feel like he's probably marrying, fucking, and then, like, killing everyone.
24:01You know?
24:01Even the kids.
24:03Not the kids.
24:05We said we left the kids out of that.
24:06What's his cutoffing?
24:07I said that.
24:08You never confirmed it.
24:09Okay, okay, no.
24:11After 18, that's...
24:13Oh, when the brain isn't fully developed?
24:15Oh, wow.
24:16So much better, Shane.
24:17After 18, you go, okay, now adult.
24:19I can't believe you pull a Call Me By Your Shane.
24:21I have a Daddy Shane question.
24:25Yeah.
24:27I was not expecting this much fascination with Daddy Shane.
24:30It's not fascinating.
24:30With old 65-year-old Shane.
24:32Huge mistake on your part.
24:33Yeah, that's weird for some reason.
24:36Shane, if Daddy Shane has cyborg technology, does he not maybe have the ability to have clones?
24:43Ooh!
24:44Can we each get a Daddy Shane?
24:46Ooh!
24:47Ooh!
24:49I guess the technology might be there.
24:51It's 2057 by that point.
24:53The dropout merch store now sells Daddy Shanes.
24:57Yeah!
24:58Yeah.
24:59Wow.
25:00What's the likelihood that there is some sort of, like, games master or some sort of, like, temporal ruler who has, like, collected all these shanes for some dark purpose?
25:09Oh, it's very likely.
25:10I assume there's some person out there that in their battle to the death will discover it and overthrow that temporal being.
25:18I'm clearly just not the guy.
25:20Right.
25:20I'm clearly not the guy.
25:21I fell for it.
25:22Wow.
25:23Well, Shane, thank you so much for this wonderful presentation.
25:29Brilliant.
25:34Hello, Smarty Pants Society.
25:36I am so excited to be here with you today because I need to talk to you about a bizarre phenomenon I have been studying for the last few years.
25:45Men for lesbians.
25:47Whoa.
25:48By me, Jordan Myrick, a certified lesbian.
25:51Certified.
25:52Now, I know what you're thinking.
25:56Men?
25:57Lesbians?
25:58I thought lesbians didn't like men.
26:00And to that, I will say, you're right.
26:03Lesbians don't like men.
26:05Because we are gay.
26:07Right?
26:07A direct conflict.
26:09But I'm also smart.
26:10And by being both gay and smart, like most lesbians, that means I'm not impervious to charm, to a little je ne sais quoi.
26:21I'm pulled to some men more than others.
26:23And I've noticed that there is times when I, let's say, for example, go see Magic Mike, the last dance with my lesbian fiance on Valentine's Day.
26:33Why did we want to do that?
26:35Now, when someone brings up the TV show You and says, are you familiar with Penn Badgley?
26:41I say, ew, who is that?
26:46What are those two reactions?
26:50Why are they so different?
26:52I have come up with three pivotal factors that make men appealing to lesbians.
26:57And I want to be clear, it's not about being attracted to men.
27:00It's just about finding them intriguing.
27:02The first of those three things is kind eyes.
27:08Who doesn't love kind eyes?
27:12They look good on any person.
27:13Straight women like men with kind eyes.
27:15It makes sense.
27:16Secondly, we have British.
27:19Something about being British takes the edge off a normal man.
27:24A man to me says, hello.
27:26And I say, stop.
27:27But a man to me says, hello.
27:29And I say, interesting.
27:33And the third thing is hyperconfidence.
27:38And you might say, I don't understand that one, Jordan.
27:41And I get that.
27:42I didn't understand it either.
27:43But when I sat with it, I realized men who are hyperconfident do not yearn for the approval of other men.
27:52And I, too, do not yearn for the approval of men.
27:56One of these things is not enough.
27:59You have to have at least, at least two of these factors to be a man for lesbians.
28:06First up, we have Pedro Pascal.
28:09He has kind eyes and unbelievable confidence.
28:13Who here would not want to lay a small smooch on Pedro Pascal?
28:18Is he here?
28:19Next, we have Dev Patel.
28:20Yeah.
28:22Dev Patel.
28:23We're talking kind eyes and British.
28:26Dev Patel could stop me in my tracks and drop my panties with one glance.
28:32One glance.
28:34Next, we have Tom Hardy.
28:36Tom Hardy is the one.
28:38He's British and he's hyperconfident.
28:41This man seems like he does not care if other men live or die.
28:46And neither do I.
28:48If you look at all three of these things together, there is one perfect man for lesbians.
28:56And that man is Idris Elba.
28:58I literally knew it.
29:00I fucking knew it.
29:02Yeah.
29:02Yeah.
29:03Yeah.
29:03Yeah.
29:03Yeah.
29:04Yeah.
29:04Yeah.
29:04Yeah.
29:05I will go see any movie this man is in.
29:08Why he has all three of the pillars of being a man for lesbians.
29:15I did a study to find out what the percentage was of lesbians who like Idris Elba.
29:22And as you can see, it's 100%.
29:25I've never met a lesbian who doesn't enjoy Idris Elba.
29:29Is this applicable to gay men?
29:30Of course not.
29:31I would never judge straight men and gay men on the same scale.
29:33When it comes to gay men, it just comes down to whether or not they would be nice to me.
29:38If you're a gay man who is nice to me, you are a man for lesbians.
29:42Let's go over some gay men and see if they fit those qualifications.
29:46Emmy and Tony Award winning actor and fashion icon, Coleman Domingo.
29:51Would he be nice to me?
29:53Abso-fucking-lutely.
29:55Next, we have Jonathan Bailey of Bridgerton fame.
29:58Would Jonathan Bailey be nice to me?
30:00I'm going to say yes.
30:02I think he would.
30:02Next, we have Andy Cohen.
30:05Oh.
30:06Oh, no.
30:06Would Andy Cohen be nice to me?
30:09And everyone in the room and at home already knows the answer is a big fat no.
30:13Yeah.
30:13No.
30:14He's barely nice to straight women.
30:15Yeah.
30:17All right, these are some men who are not for lesbians, just to make things really clear for you.
30:22First up, we have Harry Styles.
30:24Yeah.
30:25Harry Styles is British, but he does not have kind eyes, and he is not hyper-confident.
30:31Paul Rudd.
30:33This is a common one I get when I talk about this theory, and I understand he has kind
30:36eyes, but he's not British, and he's not that confident.
30:41Last but not least, we have what I would call the ultimate lesbian anti-trifecta.
30:46No kind eyes.
30:47Not British, not hyper-confident.
30:49I hate Timothee Chalamet.
30:52Nothing about this man is appealing to me.
30:55He gets credit for looking like this.
30:57When lesbians look like this, people are rude to them.
31:00Now, it's your turn.
31:02Whoa.
31:03I want you, using my three pillars, to tell me if you can think of a man for lesbians.
31:09And to sweeten the pot, I have prizes.
31:12No.
31:13What?
31:13If you do it correctly, you will be receiving a carabiner.
31:16Whoa.
31:17I want you to get one of those.
31:19I need four of those.
31:21Oh, my God.
31:21But we didn't want a model on that.
31:23Yes, Anna.
31:23Okay, Paul Muskell.
31:24Now, tell me why you think that.
31:25He has kind eyes.
31:27Yes.
31:28Wears short shorts for himself, right?
31:31And he's from Ireland, which...
31:33Geographically close enough.
31:35Anna, come get your carabiner.
31:38Paul Muskell has had multiple delicious kisses with other men in movies that I thoroughly
31:43believe he seems very nice, and I find his eyes to be extremely kind.
31:48Yeah.
31:48Good job.
31:49I'm going to give a big answer here.
31:50I'm going to say every man in the movie Love Actually.
31:53Hugh Grant.
31:53Hugh Grant.
31:54You find him to have kind eyes.
31:56I would say Hugh Grant, especially in that, you know, when he's stumbling around, he's
31:59just like, you know, like, he's doing that thing.
32:02And what you just did, that reads as hyper-confident to you?
32:05Not hyper-confident.
32:06Not hyper-confident.
32:07I guess he doesn't have all three, but he has two of them.
32:08You're drowning, buddy.
32:10I'm drowning.
32:11I'm drowning.
32:12This is a mistake that's happened that's really tough.
32:14I am falling off this cliff because I have no carabiners.
32:17Absolutely.
32:18Yeah.
32:18And you are wrong.
32:19He does not have kind eyes.
32:21He is British, but he's not confident at all.
32:23Plus, he seems rude.
32:24So, Shane, you really, really don't understand, and we'll do private tutoring later.
32:28Matthew Goode.
32:30Matthew Goode is a gay man.
32:32No, he is not.
32:33Are you sure?
32:34He is married to a woman.
32:35All right.
32:36Come get it, Lily.
32:37I think you're right.
32:38I think you're right.
32:38I like Matthew Goode.
32:41I just broke mine, so I need it.
32:43There you go.
32:45All right.
32:45Caldwell, did you have one?
32:46Paddington Bear.
32:47Oh!
32:48Come on.
32:49You don't even have to explain it, big guy.
32:51Paddington Bear.
32:52Get your blue carabiner.
32:54My life.
32:55Right there.
32:55Yep.
32:56That's incredible.
32:57Very good.
32:58My answer is Jason Momoa, and this is for obvious reasons.
33:01Obviously, he's super hyper-confident.
33:03He has beautiful eyes.
33:04You're 100% right.
33:05He meets two of the three categories.
33:08I would love to braid his hair.
33:09I would love to braid his hair!
33:11Yeah.
33:12I had a guess.
33:14Okay.
33:14Rekha, I'd love to hear it.
33:16Keanu Reeves?
33:17Oh.
33:18He's not British.
33:19He was British in the Dracula movie, though.
33:21He's British in the Dracula movie.
33:23And we do make exceptions for the Dracula movies, of course.
33:25Lesbians always make exceptions for the Dracula movies.
33:28Okay.
33:29He has kind eyes, and I think he's so confident that he just stays out of people's business.
33:34He doesn't strike me as someone that needs a man's approval.
33:37Rekha, come get your carabiner.
33:39Woo!
33:39All right.
33:39Shane, I don't feel good about this, but I'm going to let you go again.
33:43Look, I'm broken.
33:44I'm battered.
33:45I've got to try to redeem myself here.
33:47Yeah.
33:47And I'm hoping one of my favorite actors can save me.
33:49Okay.
33:50Clive Owen.
33:52I fucked it up again.
33:53Wow.
33:54I don't think so, baby.
33:56I know.
33:57Okay, I just, I clearly...
33:58I'm just going to do a temperature check.
34:00Does anyone other than Shane in this room really care about Clive Owen in general?
34:04No.
34:04Prince Harry.
34:06Now, listen to me.
34:07I'm listening.
34:07He's confident enough to leave the royal family.
34:11Okay.
34:12You know he's British.
34:13And the eyes?
34:14Yeah.
34:14Pretty kind.
34:15And in his book, he admits that he's stupid.
34:18That he, like, did really poorly in classes, which is kind of confident of him.
34:23Speaking of confident, what else could you have to say?
34:27Shane's about to be like Alex Jones.
34:29Shane has very, very kind eyes.
34:44Shane is not British.
34:45And I think you know you're not hyper-confident.
34:49I think you know that.
34:50You know that about yourself, sweetie, right?
34:52And this doesn't mean I don't like you, Shane.
34:55I like you a lot.
34:56We've worked together.
34:57I think you're wonderful.
34:58Do I think that lesbians are inherently drawn to you?
35:03I don't.
35:04Okay.
35:04That tracks.
35:05So on that note, I just want to end by saying, if you're like, wait, how do I become a man
35:11for lesbians, the answer is, you don't.
35:14It's something that you're born with.
35:17Thank you so much for having me for this presentation today.
35:19Bravo.
35:20Bravo.
35:20Thank you, Jordan, for that enlightening presentation.
35:24Yeah.
35:24What of animated ones?
35:26Incredible question, Rekha.
35:28Yes.
35:29I would argue that a huge man for lesbians is Kermit the Frog.
35:33Yes.
35:33For all the role we've said.
35:35Quiet confidence.
35:36Kind eyes.
35:37Treats his woman incredibly.
35:39Does he?
35:40Isn't he rude to her for a long time?
35:42No, he's not rude to her.
35:44They have their own relationship that's personal and it's private and it's theirs, and I'm not
35:48here to project on them.
35:49Okay.
35:49Because it seems like she's always like, let's fuck, and he's like, nah.
35:52And that's okay.
35:53He doesn't have to want to fuck all the time.
35:56He has to run a show.
35:57He's got to run a show to run.
35:58Okay, okay.
36:00I'm sorry.
36:01Incredible.
36:02Thank you so much.
36:03Thank you for having me.
36:04Wow.
36:05Beautiful job.
36:10Well, we learned a lot tonight, everyone.
36:15And with that, our secret meeting must come to an end.
36:18Let us retreat back into the shadows just a little more enlightened than we were before.
36:23Thank you, and good night.
36:24Thank you, and we went there.
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