00:00Have you ever been in charge of 12 young boys?
00:07No, sir.
00:08Have you ever rubbed two sticks together to make a fire?
00:11No, sir.
00:12Have you ever put your life in another boy's hands?
00:15Have you ever asked another boy to put his life in yours?
00:18No, sir.
00:20We follow orders, son.
00:22We follow orders or people's crafts turn out shoddy.
00:25It's that simple.
00:26Are we clear?
00:28Yes, sir.
00:29Are we clear?
00:30Yes, sir.
00:31Are we clear?
00:33Crystal, I think we've established the clarity.
00:39All those having business with this general court-martial, stand forward and you shall be heard.
00:43The facts of the matter are these.
00:45On midnight of September 6th, the accused entered the bunk site of their troop-maker.
00:49While he was sleeping, they placed his right hand into a glass of warm water.
00:53He then woke up, wherein they proceeded to perpetrate him the giving of a wedgie,
00:57and then suspended him from a flagpole, whereupon they commenced to taunting him and calling him Skidmark Santiago.
01:03He then fainted, fell off the pole, and skinned his knee.
01:07Listen up, glory boy.
01:09As dead mother of this troop, let me tell you, if you insist upon handling this case in the same fast-food, slick-ass, Persian-bizarre manner in which you seem to handle everything,
01:17then you're going to wind up with one child-proof, egg-eating, shrink-defect, three-legged...
01:21I don't say Santiago got wedgie, and that is triadity.
01:26But he got wedgie, cause he ain't no cold.
01:29No cold?
01:30No, a cold. He ain't no cold, ain't he? I know all no.
01:34What? What is he? Can you...
01:36He had no cold in a menorah?
01:38Wait, what are you telling me? Scott Santiago was Jewish?
01:41Cause I don't think so.
01:43Cholesterol-free, Rowan and Martin, open and shut, Johnny-come-lately, golden brown, hot and sour.
01:49You want to investigate me? Roll the dice and take your chances.
01:54I eat breakfast every day with twelve angry fathers who think I'm secretly touching their sons.
01:59So don't think you're gonna come down here, flash a merit badge, and make me nervous.
02:05Fat-inducing, liposuctant Bruce Willis sneer, Habsburg chin, thirst-quenching.
02:11Son, we live in a world that has pump tents.
02:13And those tents are held together with various knots a scout must learn.
02:16The square knot, the granny knot, the shank, the hitch, the half hitch.
02:20Who's gonna tie those knots? You!
02:23Your scouts follow orders or people get wedgied!
02:25You want answers?
02:26I think I'm entitled.
02:27You want answers?
02:28I want the truth!
02:29You can't handle the truth!
02:31You want the truth?
02:32I want the truth!
02:33What do you want?
02:34The truth!
02:35When do you want it?
02:36Now!
02:37Give me a T!
02:38Give me an R!
02:39Give me a U!
02:40H!
02:41H!
02:42What's that spell?
02:43The truth!
02:44Alright, you got it.
02:45That's great.
02:47No further questions.
02:48In the heart of troop number A3-54, in a den mother's barracks, they're clearing a space
02:56on the mantle for a special guest named Oscar.
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