Episode 1 00:00
The Consultants Series 1 Episode 1 of 4
Time for a Lifestyle Presentation Conference.
Get ready for the first instalment of The Consultants' 1,000-point plan of action.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 2 13:35
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 2 of 4
The team ponders how to revamp tea to make it more dangerous and exciting.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 3 24:40
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 3 of 4
The team tackle an unusual case of sexual harassment.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 4 41:36
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 4 of 4
The team wonder why so many men went to 'mow a meadow'?
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in March 2003.
Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio?
Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows
#radio #crime #thriller #drama
To Support this channel please visit
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio
https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98
https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio
https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio
The Consultants Series 1 Episode 1 of 4
Time for a Lifestyle Presentation Conference.
Get ready for the first instalment of The Consultants' 1,000-point plan of action.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 2 13:35
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 2 of 4
The team ponders how to revamp tea to make it more dangerous and exciting.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 3 24:40
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 3 of 4
The team tackle an unusual case of sexual harassment.
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in February 2003.
Episode 4 41:36
The ConsultantsSeries 1 Episode 4 of 4
The team wonder why so many men went to 'mow a meadow'?
Cerebral sketch show with the winners of 2002's Perrier Best Newcomer award.
Written by and starring:
Neil Edmond,
Justin Edwards
James Rawlings
Producer: Will Saunders
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in March 2003.
Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio?
Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows
#radio #crime #thriller #drama
To Support this channel please visit
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio
https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98
https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio
https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:00Good evening. For the past two and a half hours, we, the consultants, have been playing a visual quiz with the audience.
00:07Let's see if you at home can join in, using the power of music.
00:19I'm over here. I'm over here. He's over there. He's over there.
00:27And I'm in the middle of the other two, equidistant from either shoe.
00:33The shape we're making is just for fun. Can you work out what we've done?
00:42We're in a line. We're in a line.
00:47Welcome to the Consum's Lifestyle Presentation Conference, episode 406.
00:54Please listen and learn.
00:57Goodbye.
01:01Gentlemen, we should be glad he could make it.
01:03Not a bad one.
01:04Not a bad one. Why, he's the best candidate we've interviewed all day.
01:07Damn right. Cream of the bunch.
01:09Well, I'm not so sure.
01:11What do you mean? He was...
01:13Strong.
01:14Strong.
01:15Effective.
01:16Job-driven.
01:17Goal-led.
01:18Work-solid.
01:19High-purposed.
01:20And there ain't no doubt that he ain't no yes-man.
01:23He ticks my box.
01:27Yeah. Plus, he was...
01:29Warm.
01:31Understanding.
01:32A people person.
01:34A love puppy.
01:35The kind of guy who'll put you up when you're down and out.
01:38And pull you off when you're up and about.
01:41He likes my log.
01:43Yeah, I hears you, but...
01:46He's Spanish.
01:59Yes, you're right.
02:06Bernie's religion shouldn't be an issue.
02:08Bless you.
02:09We should use our judgment-free assessment protocols
02:12to give this sharp-witted toreador a fair hearing.
02:15Yes.
02:15Let's give this paella-popping professional an even break.
02:18Okay, let's see what tap-ass Tony can do.
02:22Now, Teddy, how does this guy score on non-verbal?
02:25Body language stats in total.
02:27Two twitches, a sneeze, and a bum tug.
02:30He was square-shouldered, clean-nailed, boss-eyed.
02:33Handshake like an Alsatian with batteries in her paws,
02:35but he never sat down.
02:37He could be a control freak.
02:39There are only three chairs.
02:41Or just very good at maths.
02:45Willis.
02:46A full psychometric profile.
02:48I'm helpful and attentive with a genuine interest in people.
02:52Yes, and his?
02:53Sorry, I didn't really notice.
02:54Okay.
02:55Let's take a look at his CV.
02:59Hmm.
03:00Drone, drone, drone, waffle, waffle, waffle.
03:03He used to play the bagpipes in a pancake shop.
03:07I'll get it.
03:09Hello?
03:10Mike!
03:11You did what?
03:13Mike, you're a maverick Irish genius.
03:15But next time you try a hairy stunt like that,
03:18I want you to get onto the Met Office first.
03:20That was my man, Michael Finnegan.
03:22He's grown whiskers on his chin.
03:24Again?
03:25Yes.
03:26Well, the wind came up and it blew them in again.
03:28Poor old Michael Finnegan.
03:30Begin again.
03:31Yes, where was I?
03:32Qualifications.
03:33Ah.
03:34Now, he's got an A-level in right angles and 90 degrees.
03:37He's perfect for the job.
03:42Sure, this guy might beat us in a working competition,
03:45but can he think out of the box?
03:47Get the blue sky view.
03:49Fill the white space.
03:50Pop the envelope.
03:51Bake a results cake.
03:52Tarmac the thought yard.
03:53Grapple the mind skin.
03:55Re-methodise the focus loops.
03:57Grease the poo magnet.
03:58Of course he can't.
04:03We're the best people at our jobs.
04:05We don't need no-one else.
04:06What were we thinking?
04:12Hello and thank you for calling the Leicester multi-screen
04:15Megadrome Film and Leisure Centre Dome information line.
04:20Press one for box office, two for movie previews
04:22and three for ticket information.
04:25In screen one, we are showing solid intention.
04:28Twelve marines are locked on board a flaming submarine.
04:31Mamorite chef Vin Diesel pulls out all the stops
04:34as he jumps about and fires bullets at a Russian spy
04:37who threats to kill his hot-shot loyal girlfriend Jennifer Lopez
04:39who turns out to be a robot.
04:42Don't miss it.
04:44In screen two, we have Teen Sleeves,
04:46a gross-out high school comedy about a group of teenage buddies
04:49who make a pact to date the prom queen cheerleader at the sock hop,
04:53but who inadvertently end up getting naked,
04:55falling over and having sex with pies and fat girls.
04:58Don't miss it.
05:00In screen eight, we are currently showing Bride and Seek.
05:03Julia Roberts plays Sandra Bullock in this enchanting story
05:06of an attractive, successful New York wedding therapist
05:10who can't find love until she is locked in a cupboard
05:12with Hugh Grant, Richard Gere and George Clooney.
05:15And Shrek.
05:18Ring of tissue, don't miss it.
05:19In screen three, we are currently showing Mike Lee's remake
05:22of the Ken Loach classic, Life is Rubbish.
05:26Timothy Spall plays a depressed toilet thief
05:28who falls in love with his suicidal ex-wife social worker
05:31before choking to death on a broken spoon
05:34while rescuing a wounded kestrel from a communist bus driver's flat.
05:37Don't miss it.
05:38Hello and welcome to Beginner's French.
05:43Écoutez et répétez.
05:45Listen and repeat.
05:48Module one, lesson two.
05:50Où sont les détectives?
05:52Where are the detectives?
05:55Inspector Morse est dans l'assaut.
05:57Inspector Morse is in the bucket.
06:02Ironside chasse les canards dans le parc.
06:04Ironside is chasing ducks in the park.
06:08Je ne plaisante pas.
06:10Où sont les détectives?
06:11No, I mean it.
06:12Where are the detectives?
06:14Columbo va vérifier ses pneus.
06:17Columbo is checking his tire pressure.
06:20Cagney et Lacey achètent les chaussures.
06:22Cagney and Lacey are shopping for shoes.
06:26Je n'ai pas vu Kojak depuis une semaine et demie.
06:28I haven't seen Kojak for a week and a half.
06:31Oh, la mort de Dieu, personne ne me n'aide pas.
06:34Où sont les détectives?
06:36For the love of God, will no one help me.
06:39Where are the detectives?
06:41Taggart assiste à un feu d'artifice avec son nouveau Patrice.
06:44Taggart is at a fireworks display with his nephew, Patrick.
06:50Je m'en fiche de Patrice.
06:52Où sont ces foutus, détectives?
06:54I don't give a fig for Patrick.
06:56Where are the ruddy detectives?
06:58Le Sweeney profite d'un vigoureux tour de change
07:01pour prendre leurs vacances à la Nouvelle-Oléans.
07:04Ils attendent avec impatience un pique-nique dans un club de jazz.
07:07The Sweeney are taking advantage of the strong pound
07:10to enjoy a short holiday in New Orleans.
07:13They are looking forward to having a picnic in a jazz club.
07:17Miss Marple rase sa oiseau.
07:21Miss Marple is shaving her oiseau.
07:23Wes, hi Ajax.
07:29How's Trix?
07:30She's fine.
07:31Having a good workout?
07:32Oh, the best.
07:33I've just started a liquid wheatgrass and nutmeg diet.
07:36Yeah, I'll just finish that.
07:38It's not that good.
07:39I mainly chew raw organic vegetables these days.
07:41I don't even chew.
07:42I just suck them.
07:43Yeah, well, for breakfast, I just lick some cress.
07:45Breakfast?
07:46I sniff a lemon.
07:47Yeah, well, sometimes, of the morning,
07:48I just close my eyes, put a raisin in front of me,
07:50then open and shut my eyes very quickly.
07:53I might not have anything else for the rest of the day.
07:55Careful.
07:56You've got to keep your body fluids up.
07:58It's very important.
07:59That's why I drink five pints of French water an hour.
08:02French has got very high acidity levels.
08:05That's why I drink Swiss.
08:06Yeah, well, I used to drink Swiss before Chernobyl.
08:09Besides, fresh fruit juice is the way forward.
08:11Yeah, of course.
08:12I blend oranges, apples and lychee every morning.
08:15I blend bananas, pineapples and egg whites
08:16and sip them from the guts of a raw mackerel.
08:18Well, I mash together guava, mango,
08:21pass and fruit, starfruit, pears and chicken,
08:23add some lime, a courgette,
08:24half a cup of bacteria and a squirt of fairy liquid
08:27and suck it from the mouth of Sir Steve Redgrave.
08:31I always start the day with a glass of my own urine.
08:35A glass of your own urine?
08:36Yep, it's very nutritious.
08:37Yeah, well, I normally drink six glasses of my own urine.
08:40Yeah, well, after my first glass,
08:41I then drink another gallon of my own urine.
08:43I drink all my own urine.
08:44Yeah, I drink all my own urine and my wife's urine, too.
08:46I drink my own urine, my wife's urine,
08:47then I go next door and collect my neighbour's urine,
08:49which I then store in a big tub in my garage labelled urine.
08:52I have rerouted my entire street's plumbing.
08:55I have draught urine on tap in every room of the house.
08:58Yeah, I've done exactly the same, but better.
09:01The urine feeds into a sprinkler system,
09:03which rains urine throughout my house like a tropical storm,
09:06only with urine.
09:08We don't walk anywhere in my house.
09:09We use small kayaks with holes drilled in the bottom,
09:12forcing you to paddle faster to keep them afloat.
09:20Fancy coming round for dinner?
09:23No.
09:23Hello!
09:38Hello!
09:39Hello!
09:40Oh, the ancient tomb of Egbon Bambat,
09:43son of Ramesses XII.
09:44Hassan?
09:45Yes, Effendi?
09:46According to the map,
09:47where should the prince's treasure be located?
09:50It should be just through this golden arch.
09:53Aha!
09:58Look, master.
10:00My good lord.
10:01The glittering treasure of Egbon Bambat.
10:03Oh, see the riches of the boy king.
10:11Hassan, what are you doing?
10:14Effendi,
10:15I am chanting to war of the curse.
10:18The curse on he who opens the tomb of the pharaoh, sir.
10:21Oh, purple cock and bamwash,
10:22you desert fellers are far too superstitious.
10:25Let's see what riches he was buried with.
10:27Oh, look.
10:29Novelty corn on the cub holders.
10:32See here, Effendi.
10:34A tea's made
10:34and soap on a rope.
10:37God!
10:38Four soda streams.
10:39Truly he was a prince.
10:41No, hang on.
10:42There's something wrong here.
10:43The hallmark on this game of mice trap.
10:45It's clearly not from the first dynasty.
10:48But that means...
10:49Yes, indeed.
10:49Tomb robbers,
10:50they've beaten us to it, Hassan.
10:51Aye!
10:52It's the body of the pharaoh himself.
10:55See, see how he's disheveled.
10:57Those accursed tomb robbers
10:58have stolen his ceremonial jewelry.
11:00It is said that
11:01for mere infidels
11:02to move and desecrate
11:03the holy spiritual body
11:05of a sacred pharaoh
11:06and to dare to touch
11:07his divine and celestial remnants
11:09to defile his all-powerful
11:11and holy magnificence
11:12is a bit naughty.
11:18Who dares disturb me?
11:21Oh, great Scott, the mammoth.
11:23I am Egg-bong-bombat,
11:27son of Rameses,
11:30pharaoh of the Egyptian Empire,
11:33and you have come
11:34to steal my riches
11:35for which you must die.
11:37No, no, truly, Your Highness,
11:38I'm an archaeologist.
11:39I know of your lineage
11:40and magnificence.
11:41Oh, really?
11:42Yes, yes, indeed.
11:43Well, it's very nice to meet you.
11:45Yes, and you have
11:46a lovely tomb you've got here.
11:47Well, it's all in a terrible state,
11:49you know,
11:50and so am I.
11:50I mean, just look at me.
11:52How did it happen?
11:53Well, let me tell you.
11:57Now, with my dying breath,
11:59I said I wanted to be left
12:01buried in a coffin with a lid.
12:03But I knew when the embalmers
12:06began removing me pyjamas,
12:08I'd end up in a blooming pyramid.
12:11They shoved a hook into me
12:13and they cut off both meat
12:15and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee-dee.
12:18They pulled me out of me
12:20and they scraped off all meat
12:22and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee-dee.
12:25Well, once their job was done,
12:29I thought they'd leave me well alone,
12:31all dolled up and snoozing by meself.
12:35So I couldn't understand
12:37why there was movement in me bandage.
12:40It was robbers who had come
12:41to pinch me wealth.
12:43They stuck their hands right up me
12:45and they pulled off all meat
12:47and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee.
12:50They put a... inside me
12:52to get the... out of me
12:54and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee.
12:58Well, I don't think I'll elet you
13:00when I say that I curate an exhibition
13:02of Egyptian objet d'art.
13:04Oh, dear.
13:05I'm going to pack you in a lorry
13:06and then restore you to your glory
13:08once we get you back to old Britannia.
13:11Oh, you don't mean...
13:12Oh, I do.
13:12You'll put your fingers in me
13:16and you'll peel back me
13:17and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee.
13:21I'll stick her right up you
13:23and leave me inside you
13:24and fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee.
13:27Fiddled with me diddle-dee.
13:28Fiddled with me diddle-dee-dee.
13:39The Consultants was written and performed
13:41by The Consultants.
13:42The Consultants are
13:43Neil Edmond, Justin Edwards
13:44and James Rawlings.
13:46Music and noises were by
13:47George Cockrell and Gerry Peel.
13:49The producer was Will Saunders.
13:55Good evening.
13:56For too long now,
13:57our audience has been struggling
13:58to recognise one consultant from another.
14:00We hope that this familiar children's song
14:02will help.
14:03I'm looking left.
14:12I'm looking right.
14:14I see his hat.
14:16I see his tights.
14:19And I'm in between of the other two,
14:22the subject of their alternate views.
14:24The floor is near me.
14:25For me, it's far.
14:27Can you work out what we are?
14:28We're different heights.
14:35We're different heights.
14:38Welcome to The Consultants'
14:39audiophonic self-improvement workstation.
14:41Episode 8.
14:42You may like to write all of this down.
14:45Gentlemen, I'm glad you can make it.
14:51Not a problem.
14:52Now, I've procured us
14:53a tasty new lump of work.
14:54Hosanna.
14:55We're going to rebrand tea.
14:57Ah, tea.
14:58Can't say I've ever heard of it.
14:59Well, ultimately,
15:01it's an energy drink.
15:02What, like Red Bum?
15:03Yeah, but with milk in it.
15:04And it's boiling hot.
15:06And in a cup.
15:07What are the traditional advertising routes?
15:09Previous campaigns include
15:10two monkeys lifting a piano
15:12and cartoon Yorkshiremen in big hats.
15:14Ooh, that's clever.
15:18Let's make out it's Irish drink.
15:20Everyone loves the crack.
15:22A ruddy-cheeked drunk sits on a harp
15:25playing a fiddle made out of four-leaved clovers.
15:28He's swilling tea from a leprechaun's hat.
15:30No.
15:31It's the latest craze from the US of A.
15:34A giant cowboy drives home in a Cadillac
15:36filled with waffles.
15:37His beautiful wife opens the door.
15:39She is composed entirely of tea.
15:41I've seen it.
15:44Oh, this is hopeless.
15:46Why don't we just jack in the tea?
15:47No, that won't help anyone.
15:49We can do this.
15:50All we need to do is make...
15:52make tea new.
15:55Make it sexy.
15:56Make it dangerous.
15:57Why don't we hide razor blades in it?
16:00It's a little too dangerous,
16:01but I like the way your brain's moving.
16:03Who drink it?
16:04Well, it's a pretty broad demographic.
16:05From pensioners sipping cuppers in their coffins
16:07to teenagers in drug dens gulping char
16:10and waiting for the man.
16:12We gots to get them earlier than that.
16:15Get kids hooked on it.
16:16Ah, but tusk.
16:17You go up to a child in the street
16:19and offer them a cup of tea,
16:20they'll smack you in the chops with their care bear
16:21and go straight back to the roller disco.
16:24Believe me, I know kids.
16:27Maybe the name needs work.
16:29Tea doesn't sound very with it or hips.
16:32Extreme tea?
16:33Tea max.
16:34Tea lightful.
16:35Tea whiz.
16:35Tea be confirmed.
16:36Tea myself and I.
16:37Tea jerk reaction.
16:38Through the tea hole.
16:39Tea Harvey Oswald.
16:40Hold on, hold on.
16:40I've got it, I've got it.
16:41Go on.
16:42O. T. T.
16:44O. T. T.
16:46Yeah, I like it.
16:47Yeah, but will the kids?
16:48I reckon if we get the music right,
16:50it'll sell like hot drinks.
16:56They call me O. T. T.
16:57I'm the brother with the brew
16:58and I'm hanging low with my teapot crew.
17:01Bitch, let me dunk my bag in your water.
17:02Give me two sugars, girl,
17:04cause you know your order.
17:07Yeah, O. T. T.
17:10Yeah, you know me.
17:11Yeah, O. T. T.
17:13Yeah, you know me.
17:14Uh, tea.
17:15That's the juice.
17:16Uh, tea.
17:17Keep me loose.
17:18Uh, tea.
17:19In a glass.
17:20You bet your mother
17:21ass.
17:25Yeah, O. T. T.
17:26Yeah, you know me.
17:27Yeah, O. T. T.
17:28Yeah, you know me.
17:29Mm, give me some of that tea.
17:32Yeah, you know me.
18:02A fat lady next to a biscuit.
18:04Eighty.
18:07A biscuit with a stick.
18:09Nine.
18:11A biscuit with a stick.
18:13The sideways knockers.
18:15Ninety-three.
18:16A duck next to a wheelchair.
18:21And a biscuit.
18:22Two hundred and fifty.
18:26Sideways knockers with a stick and a duck.
18:29Three hundred and twelve.
18:32Two ducks.
18:34A fat lady.
18:35A wheelchair.
18:36And a biscuit with a stick.
18:37Twenty-two thousand.
18:39Eight hundred and fifty-nine.
18:42House!
18:46I feel so weak.
18:47Yes.
18:49How many days have we been adrift?
18:50Hard to tell.
18:51Sleep.
18:52I don't know which I despise more.
18:54The blistering heat of the sun or the interminable creaking of this run.
19:00It cuts right through you.
19:03Hmm, let's see if we can fix it.
19:04Pass me the instructions again.
19:06I'm still not convinced that part 6A is meant to slot directly into the subduest.
19:12No, no, no, no.
19:14It is fine.
19:14Yeah, but why is that strut loose?
19:16I have to tighten the connectors by hand because I couldn't find the little key thing.
19:20Wasn't it in the bag with the screws?
19:21No.
19:22Well, sometimes they sellotape them onto one of the longer parts.
19:24Go on, have a look underneath.
19:25You know, I think I might be too malnourished to move.
19:28Hmm.
19:30Well, perhaps we should call customer services.
19:33I'll do it.
19:33Hello?
19:39Hello?
19:41Hello?
19:43You're through to customer services.
19:45Oh, brilliant.
19:47Your call is in a queue or will be on to the store.
19:51Yes, I've got a problem with a self-assembly raft.
20:19Is it a pine or a beech finish?
20:23Ah, not sure.
20:25Okay, what's the problem?
20:27It just keeps creaking.
20:29Right.
20:31Have you put part 6A directly into the subjoice?
20:36Yes.
20:37Ah, it should go into the T-shaped bracket.
20:41What T-shaped bracket?
20:43Did you not get a T-shaped bracket?
20:46No, and we didn't get an Allen key either.
20:51Well, that should have been sellotaped to one of the oars.
20:54Oars?
20:57There should be two oars.
21:00Well, you know, I thought we were going a bit slowly.
21:03What do you mean?
21:04Now, look, I'm really quite annoyed about these missing parts.
21:08I'm sorry.
21:10Can I get them shipped to you?
21:12Oh, well, yeah, that would be good, yes.
21:15They should be with you in about four to six weeks.
21:18Bye.
21:19Thank you very much, then.
21:20Bye.
21:21What did he say?
21:26The parts will be here in about four to six weeks.
21:29Oh, okay.
21:30Well, I might get back to slipping in and out of consciousness, then.
21:34Okay.
21:39I'm starving.
21:41How long was I out?
21:42About four to six weeks.
21:44The oars have arrived.
21:46Oh, good.
21:48The sailors who delivered them were very nice.
21:50But they could have helped us.
21:52Oh, we'll be fine.
21:53You don't need a crew of 70 to put a pair of oars together.
21:56Besides, they were in the middle of dinner.
22:05Radio programmes have been suspended for the broadcast of this important message from the Prime Minister.
22:12Men and women of Britain,
22:14I speak to you for the first time as Prime Minister
22:17in a solemn hour for the life of our country,
22:21of our empire,
22:23of our allies,
22:24and above all,
22:25of the cause of freedom.
22:28Last night at Chequers,
22:29whilst in conciliatory talks with the German Foreign Minister Herr Schloss,
22:34I accidentally spilt my cup of tea on his papers.
22:37He responded swiftly by giving me a dead leg
22:42and pushed me from my Chippendale chair onto the Persian rug
22:46with a cry of,
22:48All pile on!
22:49All pile on!
22:51In German.
22:54It is testament to the Cabinet that not one single minister joined in the bundle.
23:00Indeed, the Home Secretary gobbed on Herr Schloss's head and called him a woofter.
23:04The German Foreign Minister called me a bummer
23:08and then tripped on an Edwardian footstall and floored himself.
23:13Seizing the moment,
23:14I sat on his face and let off an eggy drifter.
23:19However,
23:21he grabbed the elastic from my wife-runts
23:23and began to give me a wedgie.
23:24It was at this moment
23:27that my dog
23:29done a poo in his hat.
23:34Consequently,
23:34we are now at war with Germany.
23:37Oh, he's made it!
23:53Come on, Alan!
23:54We've finally done it!
23:55We've done it!
23:57Hmm.
23:58Oh, crack a smile, Alan!
24:00Yeah,
24:01we might head back, actually.
24:03It's taken us three weeks to get here.
24:04Just enjoy the moment.
24:05Yeah, just a bit cold.
24:08Alan!
24:09We can't see anything.
24:12Clouds blocking the view.
24:15No, Everest is rubbish.
24:16I'm going.
24:17Oh, wait, Alan.
24:17There's loads of stuff we can do.
24:20Like what?
24:22Well, there might be a shop or something.
24:25Or we can just hang out.
24:27Yeah, but it's just us, isn't it?
24:28Well, I can phone someone.
24:30I'll give Debs a call.
24:30Oh, it's...
24:32Typically, you can't get a signal.
24:37One to one.
24:39One to no one, I call them.
24:41Actually, they're called T-Mobile now,
24:42so that doesn't work.
24:43No, hang on.
24:44Yes, it's Roger.
24:45Yeah, yeah, we're on the summit.
24:46Yeah, Alan's here.
24:47He's loving it.
24:48Yeah, so come over.
24:50Yeah?
24:50Oh, okay.
24:52No.
24:52Yeah, all right.
24:53Fair enough.
24:53No, she's staying in.
24:56She's got Turner and Hooch out on video.
25:00Well, it's been a great laugh.
25:03I'm going.
25:07All right, Alan.
25:08All right, Dave.
25:09What are you doing here?
25:10Oh, I thought I'd wander up and have a look.
25:12It's beautiful, isn't it?
25:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
25:16All right, Roger.
25:17Yeah, all right, Dave.
25:18You, uh...
25:18Yeah.
25:20Well, we'd better be going.
25:22How are you all?
25:22Yes, well, Alan wants to go, so we're going.
25:24No, I don't.
25:25Did you?
25:25You said you were cold and tired and...
25:26No, I didn't.
25:27Mm-hmm.
25:29Come on, let's go and look for funny rocks.
25:33Yeah, cool.
25:35Are you coming, Roger?
25:37No, I'll stay here.
25:39All right.
25:40Will it be okay to get back?
25:41Yeah, yeah, I'll get a lift with Dave.
25:52Friends are so fickle at high altitude
25:58Thin air can drive a man wild
26:01We took off the ropes that bound us together
26:04But I was still tied to his smile
26:07And it ain't just the frostbite that's making me blue
26:11I'm as sad as a horse with no cart
26:14Cause it's twenty below up here in the snow
26:18And it's forty below in my heart
26:21At the peak of the world lies a trough of despair
26:26That rock is still warm where he sat
26:28I said, friend, do you love me?
26:30And he looked at me like I'd hid him more food in his hat
26:34And it ain't just the frostbite that's making me blue
26:38I'm as sad as a board with no darts
26:41Cause it's twenty below up here in the snow
26:44And it's sixty below in my heart
26:47Well, these old climbing ropes
26:50They might make a good noose
26:52For it gallows up here on the crags
26:55I'm cold, I'm alone
26:57And maybe it's time for this climber
27:00To plant his last flag
27:02And it ain't just the frostbite that's making me blue
27:07I'm as sad as a pimp with no tarts
27:10Cause it's twenty below up here in the snow
27:14And it's eighty below in my heart
27:18The Consultants was written and performed by The Consultants
27:29The Consultants are Neil Edmond, Justin Edwards and James Rawlings
27:32Music and noises were by George Cockrell and Jerry Field
27:35The producer was Will Saunders
27:38Good evening
27:41For the past two and a half hours
27:43Our audience has been wondering where the Consultants are
27:45Perhaps you at home can work out
27:47Using the power of music
27:49The lights are bright
27:58The beat is strong
28:00I'm getting down
28:02I'm in a thong
28:04And I'm in the middle of a group of youth
28:08Smoking acid and throwing moves
28:11They don't sell sherry at the bar
28:13Can you work out where we are?
28:15We're out of place
28:20We're out of place
28:22Welcome to The Consultants High Tech Oral Seminar
28:26Episode 991
28:29Please hold on tight
28:30Gentlemen, I'm glad you could make it
28:35Not a problem
28:36Well, I have got a problem
28:37Harassment
28:38I'm not having it in the office
28:39But my favourite suit is made out of harassment
28:42No, you're thinking of Harris Tweed
28:45No, I'm thinking of harassment
28:47It's a fine blend of Harris Tweed and cement
28:49It's quite heavy, but it always keeps its shape
28:52Beezer
28:54Anyway, I'm sorry to have to inform you
28:56That I have been sexually harassed
28:58Well, I'll put my neck on the wire
29:00And stand up and be counted on the record
29:02That if I've ever harassed you
29:04It wasn't me
29:05Me too
29:07Sure, I admire you
29:08I like your dandy outfits
29:10And the fact that you turn up to work on a horse
29:12And hell
29:12That's the kind of cavalier attitude we need round here
29:15But I wouldn't touch you up
29:18No
29:19Breadwin, you misunderstand me
29:21The fist of blame points squarely at me
29:23What?
29:24Yep
29:24I've been sexually harassing myself
29:26Christ
29:27Only last week I bent over to pick up some internets
29:30And my arse got pinched
29:31I looked around and there was no one there
29:33It was my own hand
29:35Don't stand for it, man
29:37Sack your hand
29:38Yeah, I've thought about that
29:39But I can't
29:40It's my right-hand hand
29:41Now
29:41I've sent my hand a written warning
29:44But I had to write it with my left hand
29:46And it's frankly unreadable
29:46Well, your hand needs more than just a slap on the wrist
29:51You're right
29:51We've got to sort this problem out fast
29:53Only this morning
29:54Someone was rubbing their foot passionately against my thigh
29:57I looked down
29:58And it was me
29:59I tried to give my foot a verbal warning
30:01But ended up kissing myself
30:02Sweet, Craven
30:04This is serious
30:05Do you love yourself?
30:07I don't think it's gone that far
30:08But I'm certainly seeing a lot more of me than I used to
30:11I'm afraid there's only one thing for it
30:14Yes, I'm going to have to let myself go
30:16Yes
30:17It's for the best
30:18Chesney, I must ask you to clear your desk and then leave
30:21Yes, of course
30:22All done
30:40Goodbye, Teddy
30:42Goodbye, Willis
30:43Goodbye, Chesney
30:44Do you think we'll ever hear from him again?
30:52No
30:52I think that's very, very unlikely
30:54Oh, hello, Chesney
30:58Yes?
31:00Hmm?
31:02No
31:02I understand
31:05Goodbye, Chesney
31:06Wrong number
31:07No, that was Chesney
31:09He's suing us for unfair dismissal
31:11If we don't hire him back immediately and sweep the whole thing under the closet
31:15He'll have the shirts off our back before you can say Skid Row
31:18Come back in, Chesney
31:20I'm sorry to play rough ball, boys
31:24But it's much harder on the outside than I ever imagined
31:26Like certain nuts
31:28To be honest, Archie
31:30Having you back is a relief
31:33Yes
31:33Welcome back
31:34Well, I didn't know what to do with myself out in the big bad world
31:37But now that I'm back with you chaps
31:39I'm going into the toilet to celebrate
31:41Care to join me?
31:43Oh, Chesney
31:45Thank you
31:57Thank you to my good friend Wayne Crump's there
31:59Now
32:00She's got a flex coming out of her head
32:04Stands in the corner or she sits by your bed
32:07She's got a bulb in her mouth
32:09And a switch in her legs
32:12That's why the lady is a lamp
32:14The time is now 9.35
32:21This exam will finish at 10.35
32:24You may start writing
32:27Excuse me
32:33Yes?
32:43I haven't got any paper
32:45Oh, right
32:46I'll go and get you some
32:48I haven't got any
33:07Do you need it now?
33:08Well, yes
33:09Yes, I need it to do the exam now
33:11Oh, right
33:12Oh, I feel silly because there was some
33:14And now I can't find it
33:15Oh, dear
33:15Well, um, there's a W8 Smith's in town
33:19You could pop out and get some
33:20All right
33:21Oh, no, hang on
33:22Um, as well as paper
33:24Smith sells books
33:26Some of which contain knowledge
33:27And you might be tempted to cheat
33:28Oh, I wouldn't
33:29No, no, I do trust you
33:30But, you know, to be fair
33:31I'd have to let everyone go
33:33And that's not practical
33:34Well, you could go
33:37Yes
33:38I could go
33:40I mean, if you can keep an eye on things here
33:43A4
33:44Oh, yes, great
33:45Okay
33:46I haven't got any money
34:07Oh, that's a shame
34:09I know
34:10You could write your answers on the lid of the desk
34:13And then at the end of the exam
34:14I'll unscrew it
34:15And hand it into the examining board for you
34:17All right
34:18Okay
34:19Oh, there's quite a few things written on the lid already
34:22Oh, yes, look
34:23Van Halen
34:24Yeah
34:25Look, here, someone's drawn a cartoon phallus
34:28Oh, yes
34:28Shh
34:30Sorry
34:30Got it
34:34Why don't you tell me your answers
34:37Whisper it to me in my ear
34:39And then I'll write it down for you when I get home
34:41Yes, that'll work
34:42Oh, now
34:43I can't do it tonight
34:44Because I'm going to a Mexican restaurant
34:46With my wife and her sister
34:47Oh, very nice
34:48Well, it's her birthday
34:49Ah
34:49Then the weekend's looking quite busy
34:52Are you in on Monday?
34:53Yes
34:53I've got an exam first thing Monday morning
34:55Oh, well, then
34:55That's easy
34:56You know
34:56You can write your answer down there
34:58No, I'll have to do the other exam then
34:59Right
35:01Well, you could come early
35:04I don't think we can get in before nine
35:06Oh, honestly
35:07Petty bureaucracy
35:08There must be some way
35:10To get you in a bit early
35:11What, you mean break in?
35:13Shh
35:14Yes
35:16Could you fit through a heating duct?
35:21No, I'm quite fat
35:22Look
35:23Oh, yes
35:28What about that skylight?
35:32Yes
35:32I could lower you in on a rope
35:35And hold you there
35:36While you write your answers down
35:37Well, that would be the easiest thing
35:39Well, we'll need some rope
35:41God, I haven't got any rope
35:42No, nor have I
35:43But, you know, I'm always thinking
35:43You know, rope, it's great
35:45There's a chandlery in town
35:46They get some rope there
35:48Oh, hang on
35:49One minute remaining
35:50Sorry, carry on
35:52It's on Westgate Street, I think
35:53Oh, I don't know
35:54What's the best way there?
35:55Er, would you be driving?
35:57No, no
35:57My wife will probably drop me off
35:58She's driving her sister back up to Leeds
36:00Oh, that's a trick
36:01Hmm
36:01Look, shall I meet you in town?
36:03Would that be easier?
36:04Well, all right
36:04I mean, you could help me carry the rope home
36:06In fact, if you like
36:08You could stay at mine on Sunday night
36:10You know, it'll be an early start on Monday
36:12And I'm only around the corner
36:13If that's all right with you
36:14No, no, no
36:14That's fine
36:15I tell you what
36:16I'll call you
36:17Do you have a mobile?
36:18Yes, it's 09758
36:20No, no, wait
36:21I've got a mind
36:21Like a sieve
36:22You'd better write it down
36:23Hold on
36:24Excuse me?
36:26Yes
36:26Do you have any spare paper?
36:29Yes
36:29Lots
36:30Thanks
36:33Here
36:34Write it on there
36:3609758
36:41Stop writing
36:43The exam has finished
36:44Just writing my number down
36:45I said pens down
36:46Sorry
36:48That's all right
36:49It's not your fault
36:52Tommy
37:08Yeah, Dad
37:11What's wrong?
37:13Nothing
37:13Come on, what is it?
37:17Well
37:17There's this girl at school
37:19Then I
37:20You really, really like her
37:23How did you know?
37:26That's what
37:27That's what Dad's a fool
37:28And you don't know how to tell her
37:31How you feel
37:32Do you?
37:34Yeah
37:34I suppose
37:35Yeah
37:36You know, your mother would love to see you now
37:39One of the last things
37:41You made me promise
37:42Before I switched off the machine
37:44Was that when you reached the age
37:47Where you started meeting girls
37:49That I was to give you the best advice
37:50That I possibly could
37:51Oh, if only Mum could be here
37:54Well
37:55That's never gonna happen
37:57You know
37:59I was once just like you, Tommy
38:04Really, Dad?
38:06Well
38:07Taller and a bit slimmer
38:08But yeah
38:08Hey
38:11Perhaps this song might help you
38:13What's it about?
38:15Well, it's about a girl I met
38:16Let's see
38:18How old are you?
38:19Sixteen
38:19About sixteen
38:21Or seventeen years ago
38:22Late night lonely man
38:27Single swaying on the dance floor
38:31Eight pints
38:32Three large gins
38:33Yet so full of love
38:36To offer
38:37Through my bloodshot eyes
38:40I see beauty
38:42And I stumble
38:43Catch her angel gaze
38:45From my lips
38:48The poetry tumbles
38:49And all that I said
38:52Is your hair is
38:55Honey golden
38:56And your eyes
38:57Clear and blue
38:58Your slender freckled arms
39:01Oh, how they shimmer
39:02In the light
39:04My soul cries out for you
39:06Tonight
39:07But all that she heard
39:12Was
39:15How about
39:17Oh, the guy
39:19You've got honey in your head
39:21And pass
39:22Do you want to say
39:24Oh, the guy
39:25I love my soul
39:28So lucid in my head
39:41But in real life
39:44Drunk and hurt
39:45I tried to whisper love
39:47I end up
39:49Spitting beer and burping
39:50Then she turned to me
39:53In her gaze
39:55I stood
39:56Still smitten
39:57She whispered
39:59Soft and low
40:00Her words
40:01I never have
40:03Forgotten
40:04And all that she said
40:06Was
40:08But all that I heard
40:28Was
40:30You are my heart's desire
40:33You make me
40:34Complete
40:35I am yours
40:37Be my life partner
40:38Hold me now
40:39And ever
40:40My soul
40:42Cries out for you
40:43And then
40:44I knew that I was
40:46In love
40:47Dad
40:52Yes, Tommy
40:53Dad
40:55Did you write that song about mum?
40:58No
40:59I, uh
41:00I wrote that about a cocktail waitress
41:03I met on all the rig
41:04No, I met your mother at a
41:07Conference, I think
41:09Yeah, whatever
41:09Good night
41:10The Consultants was written and performed by The Consultants
41:21The Consultants are Neil Edmond, Justin Edwards and James Rawlings
41:24Music and noises were by George Cockrell and Jerry Field
41:27The producer was Will Saunders
41:29Good evening
41:37For the last two and a half hours
41:39Our audience has been wondering just how we got on Radio 4
41:42See if you can work it out
41:44Using the power of music
41:47I drive a Saab
41:56I've joined a gym
41:58Jerusalem
42:00Is our favourite hymn
42:03And I've bought a timeshare in Tuscany
42:06A pedigree dog
42:07And a wheel of breeze
42:09The signs are there
42:10It's all too clear
42:11Can you work out why we're here?
42:15We're middle class
42:16We're middle class
42:18Prepare yourself for The Consultants' Stereophonic Cheat Sheet
42:24Episode 94
42:25Please concentrate
42:27Gentlemen, I'm glad you could make it
42:33Not a problem
42:34Now we've got a potential man management disaster on our hands
42:37Well just give us the bare bone of the situation
42:39Will do
42:40One man went to mow
42:42Went to mow a meadow
42:43One man and his dog
42:44Went to mow a meadow
42:46Ah, a dog
42:47No, the dog's not the issue
42:48Listen on
42:48Two men went to mow
42:50Went to mow a meadow
42:51Two men, one man and his dog
42:52Went to mow a meadow
42:54So what's the problem?
42:55But one man's already been there and mown it
42:57Those two men are just wasting their time, do you see?
43:00Sweet cripes
43:01Oh, it gets worse
43:02Three men went to mow
43:05Went to mow a meadow
43:06Three men, two men, one man and his dog
43:08Went to mow a meadow
43:09Now there are six men in that meadow
43:11Just wasting their time
43:12Well, let six mowers go
43:14We can lose six men
43:15You ain't heard the halves of it
43:16Four men went to mow
43:18Went to mow a meadow
43:20Four men, three men, two men
43:21One man and his dog
43:22Went to mow a meadow
43:23Tempers in the meadow must be running high
43:25Yes, the original mower's been accused of stealing work from his co-workers
43:28What can I do, he says
43:29I'm one man
43:30I went to mow a meadow
43:31I was doing my job
43:32But then
43:33Don't tell me
43:34Five men went to mow
43:35Went to mow a meadow
43:36Five men, four men, three men, two men
43:38One man and his dog
43:39Do the maths
43:39That's fifteen mowers
43:41The situation is ugly
43:43And it gets uglier still
43:44Let me guess
43:45Six men went to mow
43:47Yes
43:47Another six men
43:48Wenting to mow
43:50Ouch
43:51Oh, the waste of manpower
43:54All those mowers
43:55Just loafing there
43:56Doing nothing
43:57Nought
43:58Nix
43:58Nought
43:59Natingwe
44:00Nildo
44:04Nilchard
44:07Nempty
44:08Nackers
44:10This is a disaster
44:11I don't burn the babies yet
44:13Lord, pessimo
44:14We can find a way out of this
44:15I want suggestions
44:16And I want them now
44:17Why don't we just shut the gate to the meadow
44:19Oh, and go to build up of mowers in the road
44:20I don't think so
44:22What about sending in our bear troop
44:23Disguised as mowers
44:24To maul them all to death
44:26Yeah, it wouldn't work
44:27I had to declaw the bears
44:29They were beginning to scratch the parquet flooring
44:31During the dancing feasts
44:32And besides, that dog would eat them for breakfast
44:35What, one dog against our bear troop?
44:37Get real
44:38Yeah, one dog who's been tossed crusts by 28 mowers
44:42He'll be huge by now
44:44Gents, all these ideas are fantastic
44:47But none of them are any good
44:49We've gots to know what's going on down there
44:52Yes
44:52Put me through to Pat in the meadow
44:56Pat, it's Chesney
44:58What's the beef?
45:00Hmm
45:01What did he say?
45:04Eight men went to mow
45:05Went to mow a meadow
45:06Eight men, seven men, six men
45:07Five men, four men
45:08Three men, two men
45:08One man and his dog, Woof
45:09Went to mow a meadow
45:10Chunks!
45:11That meadow's cacked
45:12Oh, Pat said it's more like a ploughed field
45:14Now those mowers have trampled all over it
45:16With their voodoo dancing
45:17And what use is a ploughed field to us?
45:19We can't let it lie fallow
45:21Why don't we grow some other crop?
45:23Like books
45:23Or snooker?
45:25No
45:25No, it would have to be a root crop
45:29Well, maybe potatoes
45:30Well, maybe potatoes
45:30How many potatoes could you grow in a field like that?
45:33One potato?
45:34Two potatoes
45:34Three potatoes
45:35Four
45:36Five potatoes
45:37Six potatoes
45:38Seven potatoes
45:38More!
45:39I'll creep between the sheets
45:46Why sweat and snore in bed
45:48I'll put shampoo in your mouth
45:51Punch you in the head
45:53I'll steal all your money
45:56Apart from 20p
45:58A cigarette burn on your jumper
46:00And a strange bruise on your knee
46:02I am the hangover fairy
46:05You'll know that I've been
46:07It's your fault I'm here
46:09You invited me in
46:11You could have stayed sober
46:13You could have kept me away
46:15But you didn't
46:17So I'm here to wreck your day
46:20I'll hide your door keys
46:24And I'll throw away one shoe
46:26I'll pump you full of laxatives
46:30So all you do is rue
46:32The very day that you were born
46:35And the day you'll learn to booze
46:38I'll give you shame and paranoia
46:39It'll take all day to lose
46:41And if you were very drunk
46:45I'll leave a special treat
46:47A belching, snoring, farting stranger
46:50In between your sheets
46:52And she'll turn to you with monkey's breath
46:56And you won't know her name
46:58But she'll say
46:59Hello darling
47:00Let's fight love again
47:03I am the hangover fairy
47:06You all know who I am
47:07I turn your bones to butter
47:09And I turn your brains to jam
47:11Dream my little beauties
47:13As the drink runs through your veins
47:16Sleep softly
47:17I have trodden on your dreams
47:21Well Bernard, I've been seeing Sarah
47:33for almost four years now
47:34and as you know we've become very close
47:36so I have something to ask you
47:38Sorry, would you like some milk for your cereal?
47:42Yes, it is a bit dry but I'm nearly done
47:45I'd like to ask your permission
47:47for Sarah's hand in marriage
47:49Are you sure?
47:51Yes, she's my world
47:52Well what if you went bankrupt
47:55and you were both penniless?
47:56Would you still love her then?
47:57Of course I would
47:58What if you couldn't have children?
48:01Well that would be very hard
48:02but we'd still be together
48:03that's what counts
48:04What if her knockers fell off?
48:08What?
48:08What if her knockers fell off?
48:10I'd still love her
48:11What if she had bells instead of legs?
48:13She hasn't
48:15Well let's say one morning she woke up
48:17and her legs had turned into big church bells
48:19Would you still love her then?
48:20Well that's ridiculous
48:21That's not going to happen
48:21Happened to my aunt
48:22What if rats lived in her ears?
48:26Rats?
48:26What if steam came out of her eyes?
48:28Would you still love her
48:28with steam coming out of her eyes?
48:30What?
48:31What if the rats that lived in her ears
48:33bathed in the steam that came out of her eyes?
48:35Would you still love her then?
48:36Yes
48:36Well what if she had a broken tongue
48:38so the only word she could pronounce clearly was beef
48:40Yes
48:42Yes
48:42I would still love her
48:44I would love Sarah
48:45if her knockers fell off
48:46she had bells for legs
48:47rats living in her ears
48:48that bathed in the steam that came out of her eyes
48:49and she could only say beef
48:51Yes
48:51I would love her
48:52Well that's a relief
48:54Come in Sarah
48:56Oh
49:09Hello Sarah
49:12Beef
49:14Land ahoy
49:23Ah
49:23What country can this be?
49:26Uncharted
49:27unknown
49:27we're the first ship ever to come to these shores
49:30I claim it for his majesty
49:32and as captain of this vessel
49:34I shall name this newfound land
49:37Newfoundland
49:38Ah
49:39that's already been done sir
49:40Has it?
49:41Right
49:42Well it's a lush and green land
49:44let us call it Greenland
49:46That's gone as well sir
49:48Right
49:49Well it's
49:50it's very nice
49:51What about nice land?
49:53Bit close to Iceland really sir
49:55Where have my mum's gone?
49:57Oh
49:57Well I shall name it after myself
50:01I
50:01Captain Cook
50:02name this land
50:03Now you've already done the Cook Islands
50:04Oh
50:05yes
50:05Oh what's your name bosun?
50:07Scott
50:07Then I shall call this country Scotland
50:09Surname?
50:13Australia
50:14Bugger
50:14Any brothers?
50:17No
50:18I do have a sister though
50:19Excellent
50:19She'll do
50:20She's called Georgia
50:21Damn
50:21She's got two kids mind
50:23Names
50:24Jordan and Chad
50:25What do you care most about?
50:30My career
50:31How did you use to travel to school?
50:35Iran
50:35Favourite part of the body?
50:40Nepal
50:41Shall we go home?
50:45Yes
50:46Anchors away
50:47Thank you
50:59Well
51:00Hello everyone
51:02It looks very much
51:03as if I will have to stand in for Robert
51:05the official best man
51:06He obviously had a rather nasty fall
51:08down the church steps there
51:09I managed to get his speech off him
51:11before the paramedics
51:12cut his trousers away
51:13so I thought that perhaps
51:15the best thing to do
51:16would be to read it
51:17in his absence
51:18It's a bit of a scribble
51:19so bear with me
51:20if I'm not quite as polished
51:21as Robert would have been
51:23Anyway
51:24I first met Peter
51:26in 1980
51:28when he was
51:29when he was ruining a child
51:30called Cedric
51:31Oh sorry
51:31running a childcare centre
51:33and
51:34he asked me
51:37if I could help him
51:38organise a charity
51:39Balls I said
51:40Oh sorry
51:40organise a charity ball
51:42Yes I said
51:42I said I would be diseased
51:45so delighted
51:45and we became farmhands
51:48Oh firm friends
51:49Peter's mostly bent
51:52Sorry
51:52Peter's musical bent
51:53yes
51:53began when he was
51:55the Lone Ranger
51:56no sorry
51:56a teenager
51:57and he spanked
51:58many a whore
51:58oh spent
51:59yes spent many an hour
52:00jammed in a bear
52:02oh jamming in bars
52:03in his hometown
52:04of Scamthorpe
52:06close one there
52:07Peter first hit
52:11went
52:11so met Wendy
52:12when he was
52:13worrying a sheep
52:14no working as a chef
52:15apologies
52:15even then
52:16he was a tit
52:17so a hit
52:17with the ladies
52:18as he was known
52:19for his crappy breath
52:20oh snappy
52:20snappy dress sense
52:21he is very attracted
52:23to Italian men
52:24oh it goes over the
52:26I'm sorry
52:27Italian menswear
52:28I see
52:29and it is
52:30it is this style sense
52:31that earned him
52:32the nickname
52:33of brown bummer
52:34oh Bo Brummel
52:35sorry
52:35unfortunately
52:39he was too
52:40nauseous
52:41nervous
52:41to make the fresh
52:42monk
52:42make the first move
52:43with Wendy
52:44and indeed
52:44he had a river
52:45full of erections
52:46a rival for his
52:46affections
52:47sorry
52:47and he
52:49and he almost
52:50came over his bellows
52:51no it always came to blows
52:52I'm sorry
52:53oh yes
52:54I'll just cut to the end
52:55I think
52:55well as a breast fan
52:57sorry the best man
52:58I washed them
52:59many hippie ears together
53:00let us raise our arses
53:01to the happy nipple
53:02patron window
53:03the bride and spoon
53:04cheers
53:05the bride and spoon
53:07hi there
53:11and welcome to the
53:12dial-a-tune
53:13premium rate pop service
53:14to hear you too
53:16press one
53:17to hear the three degrees
53:18press two
53:19to hear the four tops
53:20press three
53:21to hear five
53:22press four
53:23to hear s club seven
53:24press six
53:25to hear the fab four
53:26press seven seventeen
53:27for five star
53:28press the fun boy three
53:29and for international
53:30bedtime
53:31press hash
53:31well the good lord
53:36puts the brakes on
53:37and this spinning globe
53:40slows down
53:41jesus turns the lights out
53:44as he hears the yawning sound
53:48all around the planet
53:51the world is bleary eyed
53:55it's up the hill
53:58to bedfordshire
53:59it's time
54:00to say goodnight
54:02it's goodnight
54:04from the englishman
54:06buena notte
54:07from milan
54:09buena notte
54:11yawn the spanish
54:13goodnight
54:14says our friend hands
54:16spukino notte
54:18wave the russians
54:20bonnui
54:21say senegal
54:23Kallinichter comes from Athens
54:27Uncle Sam says
54:29Good night, y'all
54:31Oh, the global sandman
54:36Flings his sleepy dust in every eye
54:40As eyelids close
54:42The snoring grows from Rome to Paraguay
54:47Sweet dreams to all
54:51Where'er they are, we've one thing left unsaid
54:55Good night, God bless, leave quietly now
55:00For the world has gone to bed
55:15The Consultants was written and performed by The Consultants
55:18The Consultants are Neil Edmond, Justin Edwards and James Wallings
55:21Music and noises were by George Combrill and Jerry Field
55:24The producer was Will Sermis
55:26Procedure from the
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