Brad Upton - Dry Bar Comedy Double Feature – Видео Dailymotion

Funny Video comedy

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Transcript

00:00:00It is a thrill to be back here.

00:00:02The first time I was here was such a great experience.

00:00:05It is nice to be back.

00:00:06My name is Brad Upton.

00:00:07That is not my real name.

00:00:09That is a show business name.

00:00:11My actual birth name is Doja Cat.

00:00:17What are the odds?

00:00:21Well, I guess the pandemic's over.

00:00:23I don't know if it is or not.

00:00:24Apparently it is.

00:00:25Do you remember the first time you put on a mask?

00:00:27I went, is this what my breath smells like?

00:00:32I owe a lot of people an apology.

00:00:38You ever burp wearing a mask?

00:00:42First time I did that, I had to take a knee.

00:00:48Of course, everywhere we go now, we have to take hand sanitizer, which is fine.

00:00:54But everybody that walks in anywhere looks like they're planning something evil.

00:01:04Can you imagine two years ago, walking into a bank, wearing a mask, going?

00:01:13You'd have been tased immediately.

00:01:15Remember the first two weeks, the shelter in place, we all sat at home and did nothing for

00:01:22two weeks, right?

00:01:22Just nothing.

00:01:23It was so boring.

00:01:24I was sitting on my front porch and the recycling truck came down my street for the first time

00:01:30in two weeks.

00:01:30Every single house, it was nothing but bottles.

00:01:33Every single wine, whiskey and beer bottles at every single house.

00:01:39I went, wow, we are all at home hiding our day drinking.

00:01:45Turned the whole country into Utah.

00:01:56But I didn't do anything for a year.

00:01:57I sat at home.

00:01:58I developed a dating app, though, for boomers.

00:02:00It's called shingles only.

00:02:11Well, I feel good.

00:02:12I feel youthful.

00:02:12But all life is for me now is a series of events reminding me I'm getting older.

00:02:17I was at the mall the other day in the food court.

00:02:19Several very attractive women walked past me.

00:02:21I realized I was looking at their food.

00:02:30Well, is that barbecue?

00:02:37Just need to get older.

00:02:38You ever see those commercials on TV for the weight loss product?

00:02:40Don't always show a woman her bathing suit, the before or the after picture.

00:02:43You ever look at that before picture and go, she looks all right to me.

00:02:49I got no problem with that one at all.

00:02:53I've been doing this one recently.

00:02:55I wake up in the morning.

00:02:56I throw my feet over the side of the bed.

00:02:57And I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, oh, I shouldn't have drank so much last night.

00:03:02I didn't drink anything last night.

00:03:06I just wake up feeling like this now.

00:03:11And I don't know when this happened at my house.

00:03:13I realized one day the catalog for Victoria's Secret no longer shows up.

00:03:17It's been replaced by the one from Harry and David's, the gift baskets.

00:03:24Trouble is, I look at it the same way.

00:03:27Oh, look at those smoked cheeses.

00:03:31I love smoked cheese.

00:03:36Oh, this one has shortbread cookies.

00:03:40Do you know what I would do to a whole sleeve of shortbread cookies?

00:03:43I was working with some young comedians recently.

00:03:50They were making fun of me for being old.

00:03:52And they're like, oh, you probably listen to music on a Walkman.

00:03:54And I go, well, the joke's on you.

00:03:59I have an iPod.

00:04:08And about the last 10 out of 12 hotels I've checked into, I've gotten a handicapped room.

00:04:12Which I don't care, but I'm like, this is too often to be chanced at this point.

00:04:19What are these clerks thinking when they're looking at me like, oh, I'm not sure that guy can get in and out of the tub by himself.

00:04:25I might need some railings.

00:04:28The part that makes me feel old is when I'm in the shower going, oh, these railings are kind of nice.

00:04:41You ever walk into a dark public restroom?

00:04:44How long do you do this before you realize there's no motion detector in there?

00:04:47Am I the only one?

00:04:55Okay, there must be one something on the wall here somewhere.

00:05:00You know what I like to do?

00:05:01I'd like to walk into one of those restrooms that has the motion detector and just stand on the wall quietly.

00:05:11Wait for somebody to walk in and go, hi.

00:05:17Maybe wear clown makeup, you know.

00:05:28I'm from Seattle.

00:05:29I was on the University of Washington campus several years ago.

00:05:31My daughter was a freshman there.

00:05:33And I dropped some stuff off at her dorm.

00:05:35And I came out.

00:05:35It was late October.

00:05:37It was trying to snow.

00:05:38That's all it was.

00:05:39A handful of flakes were coming out of the sky.

00:05:40And these college kids, I don't know where they're from.

00:05:42They weren't local.

00:05:43But they came running out.

00:05:44They threw themselves to the ground.

00:05:45They started making snow angels.

00:05:47All the rest of the kids come out.

00:05:50Hey, look.

00:05:50First, it's got a stick.

00:05:55Get up out of the mud, you idiot.

00:05:59Maybe you should have went to Washington State.

00:06:05We don't happen to have any Washington State alums in here, do we?

00:06:08Because I can slow these down if I need to.

00:06:19How many of you have to put up with some snoring?

00:06:20You got a snoring spouse?

00:06:21Where are the hands?

00:06:22Let's see.

00:06:22Come on.

00:06:23Yeah, there we go.

00:06:24Have you heard this?

00:06:24This is an actual theory.

00:06:25This is a real theory.

00:06:26There are some scientists that believe that snoring is a leftover behavior from our caveman days.

00:06:31It's one of those things we don't need anymore, but at one time it was advantageous.

00:06:35And you guys are looking at me like I'm nuts.

00:06:37But you can imagine if there were predators creeping around the cave and they're going to go down there and grab somebody, but all they can hear is...

00:06:43It sounds too much like growling.

00:06:50And ladies, I want to ask you this.

00:06:52Has it not worked?

00:06:58Guys, next time your wife gives you one of those in the middle of the night, you go, I don't see a pack of wolves in here.

00:07:08This is a thing now.

00:07:09I don't know why it's become such a big selling point in every recipe.

00:07:12Everything contains sea salt.

00:07:14All salt is sea salt.

00:07:17It's always been sea salt.

00:07:20Do we need two words to describe salt?

00:07:23It's like, uh-oh, looks like cloud rain.

00:07:29We are going to get water wet.

00:07:36Have you seen the Tibetan sea salt?

00:07:38It says on the package, over 250 million years old.

00:07:42Do you know what else this says on the package?

00:07:44Best if used by October.

00:07:45I was at the gym the other day.

00:07:54I'm waiting to get on the treadmill.

00:07:55About half of them are broken and the rest are busy.

00:07:57I'm just standing there waiting my turn.

00:07:59And the guy that works there, he's all peppy.

00:08:00He comes over.

00:08:01He goes, hey, we've got a Stairmaster.

00:08:02We've got an elliptical.

00:08:03Those are available.

00:08:04They give you the same kind of workout.

00:08:06I said, if you went to the brothel and the madam said, all the girls are busy, but there's a couple of guys upstairs.

00:08:10Same kind of workout.

00:08:21I said, what would you say?

00:08:32He said, I say we need to fix those treadmills.

00:08:34That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

00:08:41In mid-December, I was in downtown Seattle and I came across one of those live nativity scenes.

00:08:46And I'd never seen one before.

00:08:47I go, oh, check it out.

00:08:48A live nativity scene.

00:08:49Look at there.

00:08:49That's a, that's a, that's a homeless encampment.

00:08:52All right.

00:08:53Where did they get a camel?

00:09:04I got a cheap hotel recently.

00:09:05I knew it was cheap.

00:09:06I wanted free parking, continental breakfast.

00:09:08That's all I needed.

00:09:09I went down to the lobby in the morning.

00:09:11There was a bucket of water, two raw potatoes.

00:09:16I said to the guy that works there, I go, ah, your website says there's a continental breakfast.

00:09:19He said, doesn't say which continent.

00:09:23That is an excellent loophole, my friend.

00:09:32And it doesn't matter where I travel in the country.

00:09:34It doesn't matter where you go in the country.

00:09:35Highway construction everywhere.

00:09:37It just never ends.

00:09:38And this is what I know about highway construction.

00:09:40Could they bring the temporary cement walls in any closer to the edge of the highway?

00:09:45Like driving isn't hard enough.

00:09:47It's pouring down rain.

00:09:48It's pitch black.

00:09:48You're trying to follow that white line.

00:09:50The white line goes under the cement wall.

00:09:53You ever see those skid marks go up the side of those walls?

00:10:03What happened there?

00:10:06I'm a habitual speeder.

00:10:07Anybody else?

00:10:07Habitual speeders?

00:10:08Where are my people?

00:10:10That's part of the problem right there.

00:10:12There's not enough of us.

00:10:13There's nothing wrong with traffic we couldn't fix with some speed, folks.

00:10:19Let's go.

00:10:24You know how to make more water go through a hose?

00:10:26Turn it up faster.

00:10:31There's trouble merging in this country, too.

00:10:33Let me tell how merging works.

00:10:34Listen up.

00:10:34Listen carefully.

00:10:35I want you to take this with you tonight, okay?

00:10:36Here's how you merge.

00:10:37Ready for this?

00:10:38Speed up.

00:10:39You see how that works?

00:10:42Go faster.

00:10:43Term is merge, not wedge.

00:10:48Here's the all-American merge right here.

00:10:5010, 20, 30, 40, 30, 20, 10.

00:10:56If all the traffic's going 70, you don't come down the ramp at 50 and make a hole.

00:11:00You come down at 80 and find one.

00:11:04Yeah.

00:11:08Be a team player.

00:11:12Everybody cheers that.

00:11:13No one ever does it.

00:11:15Let me tell you how you get off the highway.

00:11:17Exit, then brake.

00:11:19It's not brake, exit.

00:11:21It's exit, brake.

00:11:23That works best for all of us.

00:11:25How many of you here suck at driving?

00:11:27How many of you suck at driving?

00:11:28I need to see more hands.

00:11:33Way more hands.

00:11:34I need to see way more hands.

00:11:37A couple of you are honest.

00:11:38A couple of you, the rest of you, you don't understand.

00:11:42Here's a traffic center I'd like to ask you about.

00:11:44Oncoming traffic.

00:11:45You need to make a left through the oncoming traffic.

00:11:48How much room do some of you need?

00:11:51You only have to miss the bumper of the car that just went back.

00:11:54Some of you apparently need to see the horizon.

00:12:00I've made a left out of the second position many times in my life before.

00:12:07I'm like, okay, he could have gone there.

00:12:11He could have gone there.

00:12:14Could have gone there.

00:12:16He's not going here.

00:12:18I am.

00:12:18Boom.

00:12:18Right there.

00:12:19We got places to go.

00:12:25And who put in all these traffic circles and didn't tell anybody how they work?

00:12:30That circle doesn't have to be empty for you to enter it.

00:12:34There just has to be enough room for you to fit.

00:12:37Pick out a hole and hit that thing like an NFL running back.

00:12:40If you've ever driven up to a traffic circle and stopped, I want you to go home tonight,

00:12:46lay down your keys, and never, ever pick them up ever, ever again.

00:12:55I told you, I'm always speeding.

00:12:58I'm 15 over when I'm early.

00:13:01I don't know what it is.

00:13:02I just think if gamblers could attribute their problem to a disease, I should be able to plead

00:13:06the same thing, don't you?

00:13:09Please, Your Honor, don't find me.

00:13:10I'm just going to speed again.

00:13:11I need treatment.

00:13:16You ever been on a two-lane highway, seen an RV, 10 or 12 cars stacked up behind it?

00:13:20Nobody can pass.

00:13:21One guy, some psycho guy, goes nuts from the back of the pack, passes the whole row.

00:13:27You ever seen that?

00:13:29I'm that guy.

00:13:37Nobody else has any guts.

00:13:38I'll do it.

00:13:40See you suckers later.

00:13:46I think passing's a lost art form.

00:13:48I can pass on a two-lane bridge or the school bus coming at me, no problem.

00:13:55It's a question of three things.

00:13:56Heart, commitment.

00:13:58Horsepower.

00:13:59That's the other one.

00:13:59You don't want to pass in that smart car.

00:14:10I don't feel very smart right now.

00:14:11I went into a parking garage in Seattle recently.

00:14:18I pay my money.

00:14:19I go up the ramp.

00:14:20There's a big sign on the wall.

00:14:21It says, speed limit, five miles an hour.

00:14:23And then in big red letters, it says, strictly enforced.

00:14:27Five.

00:14:27How'd you like to drive around the corner, see a cop standing there with a radar gun?

00:14:32Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:14:36Chasing you with his flashlight.

00:14:38Woo!

00:14:38Do you know why I pulled you over?

00:14:45No.

00:14:46Got you doing seven.

00:14:50How'd you like to go to court on that?

00:14:53Mr. Updame in charge of doing seven and a five.

00:14:58How do you plead?

00:14:59Embarrassed.

00:15:00In the state of Washington, where I'm from, we have some of the most restrictive anti-smoking

00:15:08laws in the country due to secondhand smoke.

00:15:10They're good laws.

00:15:10You know what I'm tired of, though, we need a law about?

00:15:12Everywhere I fly now, I have to sit like this.

00:15:14You know what I'm getting tired of?

00:15:15Secondhand fat.

00:15:18Son of, every time I get on a jet, there's a 600-pounder coming down the aisle.

00:15:22I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:15:28They always say the same thing.

00:15:29Can I sneak past you?

00:15:36Your sneaking days are over, my friend.

00:15:42But you sneak past the Golden Corral one time, all right?

00:15:48You guys can relax on that joke.

00:15:50I look around the room before I do it.

00:15:56Sometimes I have to change it to 800.

00:15:59Felt pretty safe at 600 tonight.

00:16:11If you saw my last special, I made fun of millennials.

00:16:13I don't know if you remember that or not.

00:16:15It was quite popular.

00:16:20Do we have anybody here tonight under the age of 30?

00:16:23Any 20-somethings?

00:16:25That's still the dumbest group of humans I've ever met in my life.

00:16:31You're not dumb academically.

00:16:33I'll get to that.

00:16:33But you are soft emotionally.

00:16:35I can tell you that.

00:16:36The reason I say that, when I was growing up, our parents let us play in the street, climb trees, and blow stuff up.

00:16:43And you know what happened if you got hurt or maimed?

00:16:45You got a new name.

00:16:45I had two friends I grew up with, Aimer and Niner.

00:16:50When Aimer was six, he was in the garage with his big brothers blowing stuff up.

00:16:53He lost his right eye.

00:16:55It was closed the rest of his life.

00:16:56He looked like he was aiming a gun.

00:16:57That's how he got the name Aimer.

00:17:00He was the Aimer.

00:17:02Everybody called him Aimer.

00:17:05I did not know his name was not Aimer.

00:17:08Until the first day of third grade, the teacher said, Ross Thomas.

00:17:13We all went, Ross Thomas?

00:17:14Who?

00:17:16Aimer, is your name Ross?

00:17:19We started laughing.

00:17:20That sounded funnier to us than Aimer did.

00:17:26And Aimer says to the teacher, no, my name's Aimer.

00:17:28My mom is the only one that calls me Ross.

00:17:30And she goes, well, Aimer, how'd you get that name?

00:17:32He goes.

00:17:38Do you imagine now a kid even pretended to point a gun at a teacher?

00:17:43There'd be a lockdown.

00:17:44There'd be a helicopter above the school.

00:17:48My friend Niner in the fourth grade, there were four of us.

00:17:51We were all out in the woods together.

00:17:52We were all climbing trees.

00:17:53We were all up about 15 feet.

00:17:54And he fell.

00:17:55And on the way down, he was trying to grab branches.

00:17:57And by the time he hit the ground, he'd lost most of his ring finger.

00:18:00And every time I tell this story, I still picture it.

00:18:06And it's 55 years ago.

00:18:08It still makes me laugh.

00:18:11Because he got up and he's dusting himself off.

00:18:13He's going, I'm bleeding somewhere.

00:18:15I'm bleeding.

00:18:18I'm cut.

00:18:19I don't know what.

00:18:24And my other friend says, look at your hand.

00:18:26And he screamed and he ran home.

00:18:30And we all climbed down and followed him.

00:18:31But none of us thought to look for his finger.

00:18:33About four days later, he's back in class.

00:18:39His hands all heavily bandaged up.

00:18:40We're learning about decimal points for the first time in our life.

00:18:45He raises his hand.

00:18:46He says, I have 9.2 fingers.

00:18:52Called him Niner for the rest of his life.

00:18:53When I was a kid, everybody had a nickname.

00:19:00Every single kid.

00:19:01Nobody went by their real name.

00:19:02And it was given to you by your friends.

00:19:04Usually about a body part that was not flattery.

00:19:09I had friends who were ponch, tater head.

00:19:14Lips, chin, lips head.

00:19:15Big old Pete Davison lips.

00:19:18Chin didn't have one.

00:19:19We originally called him viola because we knew he'd never play one.

00:19:39I had another friend in high school.

00:19:42He had a short right arm.

00:19:43It was just, it was fully functional.

00:19:45But it was just, it was a short kind of short arm on this side, right?

00:19:48So he had a big hand and a little hand.

00:19:50We called him Clock.

00:19:55Everybody called him Clock.

00:19:58The teachers called him Clock.

00:20:01He was Clock.

00:20:03Clock was awesome, too.

00:20:04He was in my second period algebra class.

00:20:06And we were supposed to be in our seats every day at 9 o'clock when the bell rang.

00:20:09But Clock would always wait out in the hall.

00:20:11Until that bell rang and he'd burst through the door every morning like this.

00:20:20It was never not funny.

00:20:24Every single day we waited for that moment and laughed for 10 minutes.

00:20:31One day we're sitting in class, the bell rings, and he doesn't come through the door.

00:20:34We're like, whoa, whoa, that's weird.

00:20:35Where's Clock?

00:20:36You know, must be absent.

00:20:38Well, he was tardy.

00:20:41Ten minutes later, he burst through that door like,

00:20:45We laughed until 9.30.

00:20:53And Clock was the best student in class.

00:20:55And he was by far the best student in class.

00:20:57And every Friday we had to race him on problems.

00:21:00The teacher would put problems up on the board.

00:21:01We had to compete against him.

00:21:03We called it Beat the Clock.

00:21:04Nobody could beat him.

00:21:07He had that left hand going like this.

00:21:09And the eraser in his short hand.

00:21:11One time in P.E. class, this is after class, we're in the locker room changing, right?

00:21:20And we had two new kids in class and they were bullies.

00:21:23And they were bullying Clock.

00:21:24And so Clock's in there and he goes, I'm going to knock you out with this hand.

00:21:28And then he goes, boom, and knocks, just spins this kid and knocks him out.

00:21:32Just boom, hits the ground.

00:21:35And then he turns the other one and goes, or this one.

00:21:40And we hit that kid.

00:21:41You know, we all hooted and hollered.

00:21:42And the teacher came running out of his office.

00:21:43What's going on?

00:21:44What's going on?

00:21:45We said, well, these guys were bullying Clock.

00:21:46And he knocked one of them out.

00:21:48And by then, this kid's kind of getting up.

00:21:50And the teacher just walks over and goes, you just got knocked out by a kid with a half arm.

00:21:54Hope you learn to keep your mouth shut.

00:22:02And that was the end of it.

00:22:04Nobody got sent to the office.

00:22:06Nobody got suspended.

00:22:07Nobody's parents got called.

00:22:08Nowadays, Clock would have been the one that got suspended for throwing that first punch.

00:22:13And then you'd have to bring your parents and get an anger management plan.

00:22:18Well, I got angry and I punched that kid.

00:22:20That's the plan.

00:22:21Can you imagine now calling kids by their afflictions?

00:22:26Hey, here's my buddies, Blinky and Snort.

00:22:32Here's my other friend, Orphan.

00:22:33His parents were anti-vaxxers.

00:22:41Not accurate.

00:22:42I said the 20-somethings are dumb.

00:22:49They're not dumb.

00:22:50It's just certain ways in the world.

00:22:51The reason I say that, you watch, in the not-too-distant future, hackers are going to knock out our cell phones and the Internet.

00:22:57These 20-somethings are going to come to a stop, stare at their phone, and have no idea what to do next.

00:23:02Because they've always had an Internet connection.

00:23:05If we lose the Internet, us old folks, we got a plan B.

00:23:08You 20-somethings are going to have to find a bunch of old people and ask us how to do stuff.

00:23:15Hey, mister, can you help me get home?

00:23:16I don't know how to do directions.

00:23:21Well, I can draw you a map, but you're going to have to listen and store the information in your head.

00:23:26And I'm not here to tell you life was better before cell phones.

00:23:35It wasn't.

00:23:35I love my phone.

00:23:36I'm addicted to that thing.

00:23:37You ever lose your phone?

00:23:39Oh, that's a panic attack.

00:23:41I lost my kid at the mall one time.

00:23:42I didn't panic like that.

00:23:47Because I have two kids.

00:23:48Never has technology moved so quickly as the past 20-plus years.

00:23:57My son was at my house a couple of years ago.

00:23:59He called my mom, his grandma.

00:24:01He turns to me, he goes, I think grandma's phone's broken.

00:24:03I go, why?

00:24:04He goes, listen to this.

00:24:05I go, it's a busy signal.

00:24:10He'd never heard one.

00:24:13He goes, now what do I do?

00:24:15I go, hang up.

00:24:16He goes, how do I leave a message?

00:24:21You don't.

00:24:25He goes, now what do I do?

00:24:26I go, well, wait a few minutes.

00:24:28Call her back.

00:24:30He goes, that's stupid.

00:24:34And I was like, in your house growing up, my house growing up, my dad never answered the phone.

00:24:38He wasn't getting out of his big old chair.

00:24:40That phone rang.

00:24:41He'd just look at us kids.

00:24:42It was our job to answer the phone, right?

00:24:44I was telling my son that story one day.

00:24:46He goes, why didn't you tell your dad to get the phone?

00:25:00My World War II Marine dad?

00:25:05I tried it once.

00:25:08Had no idea to get out of the chair that quickly.

00:25:10When I woke up, that phone was inside me.

00:25:20Hey, dad, why don't you get the...

00:25:22Here's something that kills me about technology and old people.

00:25:30And by old people, I'm talking about people my age.

00:25:32Watch us when people are taking pictures.

00:25:35We got the camera.

00:25:36We all stop.

00:25:37We don't want to walk in front of it because we think we're going to ruin the film.

00:25:42Hey, boomer, no more film.

00:25:43Keep moving.

00:25:45These guys delete more pictures in an hour than we used to take in a year.

00:25:48You remember roll of 24?

00:25:51That thing would last you all year.

00:25:53You get that back, you go, look, there's Uncle Billy.

00:25:55He's been dead at least a year.

00:25:56Oh, my God.

00:26:00I got some new Uncle Billy photos.

00:26:03And photos weren't unlimited.

00:26:05You had to keep track.

00:26:06Remember that little counter on the bottom of the camera?

00:26:08Told you how many were left?

00:26:09That's why all the Sasquatch photos are crappy.

00:26:13Everybody was down to their last shot.

00:26:15Like, oh, there he is.

00:26:16Click.

00:26:16Ah.

00:26:19Behind a tree.

00:26:23Before COVID, I worked in Singapore and Hong Kong.

00:26:26I worked these English-speaking comedy clubs.

00:26:27And I flew from Hong Kong to Singapore on Tigair.

00:26:30It's this cut-rate Asian airline.

00:26:31They cram me all close together.

00:26:33And I don't feel like a big man.

00:26:34But in Asia, I'm gigantic.

00:26:37I did not realize it until I was standing at the gate,

00:26:40looking around, going, oh, my, I'm the biggest guy here.

00:26:42By a lot.

00:26:43So I'm 6'1", 190.

00:26:46195?

00:26:50200?

00:26:52Probably 202 this morning.

00:26:54Anyway.

00:26:56I was the biggest guy by a lot on the jet.

00:26:58And I had a window seat.

00:26:58There was a guy in the aisle.

00:26:59And I said, can I sneak past you?

00:27:04He said, your sneaking days are over, my friend.

00:27:19I watched the Winter Olympics, the Summer Olympics this past year.

00:27:22I've been asked to a lot of audiences.

00:27:23A lot of people didn't watch.

00:27:24I'm surprised.

00:27:25Because I love the Olympics.

00:27:26I'm fascinated by the greatest athletes in the world.

00:27:28But some of the sports, I'm thinking, do they belong in the Olympics?

00:27:31Like archery and rifle?

00:27:32I mean, those are cool skills.

00:27:35But you could be a fat chain-smoking alcoholic and be a great shot.

00:27:40There should have to be some cardio involved, I think.

00:27:43That's not real athletic.

00:27:45And those people's greatest skill is the ability to stand perfectly still.

00:27:50How athletic is that?

00:27:52I'm one of the greatest athletes in the world.

00:28:02Ever since I was six, everybody's been calling me the aimer.

00:28:11I like track and field, but it's not that popular with the general public.

00:28:14I'm thinking, you want to spice that up?

00:28:16Let's let them run with scissors.

00:28:21We've always heard that's dangerous.

00:28:24Is it?

00:28:27Let's find out.

00:28:30Told you from Seattle, two of the richest men in the world live there.

00:28:33Bezos and Gates.

00:28:34Bezos has about 200 billion.

00:28:37Gates has about 160 billion.

00:28:39You know what 200 billion is?

00:28:41That's a million times 200,000.

00:28:45200,000 times one million.

00:28:47I think any of us would be very excited to see $200,000 sitting right in front of you, right?

00:28:52And if you had $200,000 sitting in front of you and somebody asked for a dollar, you'd go,

00:28:56well, sure, you can have a dollar.

00:28:57You can have a dollar.

00:28:57I'll give everybody in the room a dollar.

00:28:59I basically still have $200,000, right?

00:29:02That's what a million dollars is to those guys.

00:29:04It doesn't mean anything.

00:29:05Do you think they come home after a hard day and go, oh, boy, I feel like a million bucks?

00:29:14But you know what they can never have that we can have?

00:29:17There is a thrill they can never have that we can have.

00:29:20You ever put on an old article of clothing you haven't worn in a while?

00:29:23Find a $20 bill in the pocket?

00:29:25Like, whoa, there's a 20 in here.

00:29:27Are you kidding me?

00:29:28Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:29:29Ah, 20 bucks.

00:29:31Woo, woo, woo, woo.

00:29:33Woo, woo.

00:29:35There's also no tip that they can leave that won't anger the waitstaff.

00:29:42If I left a $50 bill on a $20 drink tab, that bartender would know my name next time I walked

00:29:48in there.

00:29:48Bezos, Gates, they leave $1,000 on a $20 bar tab.

00:29:52Bartender goes, what a jerk.

00:29:55Could have left me a million dollars.

00:29:59I said, Bezos has $40 billion more than Gates.

00:30:02They both live in Seattle.

00:30:03They must have gone to dinner at some point.

00:30:05You think when that check hit the table, do you think Bill just short-armed it just a

00:30:08little bit?

00:30:09You didn't get that, Jeff?

00:30:14All right, thanks, man.

00:30:17I don't have rocket ship money.

00:30:23Last March, my wife and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary.

00:30:26Thank you very much, yeah.

00:30:32We have two kids.

00:30:33We stopped at two kids.

00:30:34I had a vasectomy.

00:30:35This is called elective surgery.

00:30:38Like there was an election.

00:30:41My wife had a vote.

00:30:42I had a vote.

00:30:43I lost the election.

00:30:44They always do a vasectomy on a Friday, so you go home and sit all weekend in the lazy

00:30:52boy with the moat in your hand and bag ice in your lap, which really, when you get right

00:30:55down to it, it's like any other weekend.

00:31:03Having children's been a blessing.

00:31:04And I always tell people this.

00:31:05So if you're ever thinking about having kids and you're really not sure, you know what you

00:31:08want to do?

00:31:08Make a trip to Disneyland.

00:31:12You'll give yourself a vasectomy.

00:31:16You know what?

00:31:17You'll do it right there in the Magic Kingdom, too.

00:31:22You'll knock over Mickey, get into the food court so you can grab a plastic knife.

00:31:25Like, oh, please make it stop.

00:31:32I don't know if you saw my last show, too.

00:31:34I did a bit about all the pillows on the bed and how it drives guys.

00:31:38Remember that one, too?

00:31:39It was very popular.

00:31:42I was in Bed, Bath & Beyond recently.

00:31:44Down the aisle from me, I heard a couple having this exact argument, and the guy was really

00:31:47being mean to his wife.

00:31:48He took it way too far.

00:31:50He was just yelling at her.

00:31:51He was going, I don't know why we're spending all this money on these unnecessary decorations.

00:31:55You know we don't have money for these unnecessary decorations.

00:31:57The backsplash, the valance, the window treatments.

00:32:00This is a waste of money.

00:32:01I'm like, all right, that's enough.

00:32:02Anyway, a few minutes later, I'm out in the parking lot.

00:32:04I'm getting ready to leave.

00:32:05They come walking out together.

00:32:07They go over to his giant pickup truck that's jacked this high off the ground with huge knobby

00:32:12tires and a chrome roll bar and a chrome running board and every piece of custom equipment

00:32:16you can put on a truck.

00:32:18I roll down the window and go, hey, man, I like your truck.

00:32:20He goes, thanks, bro.

00:32:22I go, it looks like you got that thing covered in unnecessary decorations.

00:32:25And I made eye contact with her and I know she would have married me.

00:32:37I have never seen such love in a woman's eyes.

00:32:50I have a question about the big truck guys.

00:32:53And I don't know if we got any big truck guys in here tonight, but the two most macho things

00:32:56in our society, the AR-15 and the big giant truck, those are the things you can customize

00:33:01the most.

00:33:01Am I right?

00:33:02Yeah, and let's not kid each other.

00:33:05That is decorating.

00:33:08These are men that like to accessorize and decorate in ways that will appeal to and attract

00:33:12other men.

00:33:19There's no other way to spin that, folks.

00:33:24The more they customize, the more their secret is out.

00:33:27Take down that rebel flag, run up the rainbow, be who you are.

00:33:41Right after the show, I'm going to be out in the parking lot getting beat up by a couple

00:33:43of big trucks.

00:33:47You want to come out and watch that, come on out.

00:33:51I came to the liquor store a few weeks ago.

00:33:53I had a bottle of scotch in my hand and my wife said, how much that cost?

00:33:56I said, $52.

00:33:57She said, $52 for a bottle of scotch?

00:33:59Why is it so expensive?

00:34:00You get it cheaper than that.

00:34:01You know what I did?

00:34:02Walked right into the bathroom.

00:34:03I got into her makeup door.

00:34:04I grabbed a bottle of this, babe.

00:34:08Some of you ladies know where I'm going on this one, don't you?

00:34:12Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Recovery Complex.

00:34:16Want to guess what that two ounce bottle might cost?

00:34:19$75.

00:34:20That costs more than insulin.

00:34:22I'll tell you what, if my house is ever on fire, I have a chance to save something, I'm

00:34:29grabbing that makeup drawer.

00:34:33There's easily $15,000 worth of stuff in that drawer.

00:34:40I said to her, I go, what do you use this for?

00:34:41She said, you put it on your eyes at night and in the morning they're not so puffy.

00:34:44I went, that sounds like it goes great with scotch.

00:34:51I might have to give this a shot.

00:34:55I said, really, what do you use all this makeup for?

00:34:57She said, it makes me look young and beautiful.

00:34:59I said, so does a scotch.

00:35:00I just toasted the audience at a place called Dry Bar.

00:35:18Realized that as soon as I did it.

00:35:19I went, oh.

00:35:23I did this last fall right before Thanksgiving.

00:35:25Never do this.

00:35:26Never, never, never do this.

00:35:27I was at Costco, I'm driving through the parking lot, four miles an hour, I'm just looking

00:35:31for a parking spot, I'm creeping along, I'm composing a voice text to my wife.

00:35:35I said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything?

00:35:37And at that moment, this lady turns right in front of me, almost clips my car, I go, you

00:35:40stupid.

00:35:49You see where this is going.

00:35:54Send.

00:35:57My message said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything, you stupid?

00:36:18My phone rang immediately.

00:36:22I was like, well, that's weird.

00:36:23She never responds to my text.

00:36:24She goes, are you at Costco?

00:36:28I go, yeah.

00:36:29She goes, buy a pumpkin, shove it up here.

00:36:30Wait, what, what, what, oh, no.

00:36:42Before COVID, I was also working on cruise ships once in a while.

00:36:45I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise, if you have or haven't.

00:36:47Everyone starts, every cruise begins with the lifeboat drill.

00:36:49And you know what my favorite part of any lifeboat drill is?

00:36:52When they show you that little whistle.

00:36:55Nothing says instant rescue, quite like.

00:37:02That'll bring the Coast Guard right in, won't it?

00:37:05You're bobbing around in the ocean.

00:37:06They're 2,000 feet up in a noisy helicopter.

00:37:08Shh, shh, shh.

00:37:12Oh, there they are, right there.

00:37:13You know, killer whales also communicate with a whistling sound.

00:37:24You know what that whistling noise means in the orca language?

00:37:27Smorgasbord, right this way.

00:37:28I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise, if you have or haven't.

00:37:34But every single morning, they give you a list of every single activity that's taken place on the ship.

00:37:39First time I worked a cruise ship, 1999, I had no idea what LGBT gathering was.

00:37:45But I thought, man, they meet in a bar every night.

00:37:48I bet I belong to that group.

00:37:49LGBT's got to stand for Let's Get Blasted Together.

00:37:58I bet I belong to this group.

00:38:01Then they put a Q in there.

00:38:02I go, that's probably for quickly.

00:38:06Pretty sure I belong to this group.

00:38:09So I started going, and I do not belong to that group.

00:38:12But when they found out I was there, they made me an honorary member.

00:38:20They said, sit down, you're an idiot.

00:38:24We're having trouble in Seattle with geese, Canada geese.

00:38:27Big, fat, mean, pooping machines is what they are.

00:38:30They're everywhere.

00:38:31They're mean as can be.

00:38:32They don't migrate anymore.

00:38:33And you know what?

00:38:33We have hungry homeless people.

00:38:34We have extra geese.

00:38:35Anybody else see a possible solution?

00:38:36You know, with a loaf of wonder bread and a wiffle ball bat, I can clean up a park real quick.

00:38:50It's a good visual, isn't it?

00:38:53But one of the solutions in Seattle was they tried to round them up, these geese, put them in trucks, take them to Idaho.

00:39:01There's my tax dollars at work.

00:39:04Trucking birds to Idaho.

00:39:05Because you know those birds got back before those trucks did.

00:39:14But I read in the paper, it said these geese defecate 5 to 18 times per hour.

00:39:20I know, it's an amazing statistic.

00:39:23But you know what's more amazing?

00:39:24You stop to realize in order to gather that information.

00:39:31Some guy with a college degree, a clipboard, and a stopwatch.

00:39:35I hate this job.

00:39:43Spent four years at Washington State for this.

00:39:50I'm just kidding.

00:39:51Nobody ever graduated in four years.

00:39:53Right after the show, after the big truck guys get done with me, you might want to come out and watch the WSU alums.

00:40:06You ever say something to somebody, you know exactly what you meant.

00:40:08It just comes out wrong.

00:40:09Or somebody says something to you, you know what they meant.

00:40:11It just comes out wrong.

00:40:12A few weeks ago, Saturday morning, I go to the mall.

00:40:14Friday night, I've done two shows.

00:40:16Great shows.

00:40:16Club's packed.

00:40:17Everybody's laughing.

00:40:18Saturday morning, I go to the mall.

00:40:19This guy spots me clear across the mall.

00:40:21He yells, hey dude, you were great last night.

00:40:23My cheeks are still sore.

00:40:34That shopping trip is over.

00:40:37So is my special.

00:40:38You guys are wonderful.

00:40:39Thank you so much.

00:40:40It was a pleasure to be here.

00:40:42I know a lot of you looking at me right now and you're going, I think this guy did my taxes.

00:40:48I'll do them, but you'll go to jail.

00:40:54Some of you are looking at me too going, ah, this guy's kind of old.

00:40:58I get it.

00:40:59I'm reminded all the time that I'm getting older.

00:41:01The other day, I got mad at this old guy because he was doing something old guys do.

00:41:04And then I got a good look at him and I went, oh man, I went to high school with that guy.

00:41:07This will wreck your day, make you feel a thousand years old.

00:41:13You ever get on a website, you have to enter your own personal information,

00:41:15you have to scroll down to your birth year?

00:41:22Come on, you got to be kidding me, really?

00:41:27I felt young the other day.

00:41:28I was in the grocery store.

00:41:29I was in the produce section all by myself, middle of the afternoon.

00:41:32Then the van from the retirement village shows up.

00:41:34All of a sudden, I'm the youngest guy in that store by about 30 years.

00:41:39I'm in the produce section.

00:41:41I'm the only guy fast enough to tear off those plastic bags.

00:41:43You know, there you go.

00:41:44You're welcome.

00:41:44Have a nice day.

00:41:45One for each of you.

00:41:45Hurry up.

00:41:46You ever see the old folks try and snap those bags off?

00:41:51They get 20 or 30 on the floor.

00:41:52I went to the mall.

00:42:04The old folks at the mall.

00:42:05You ever seen the old folks try and get on the escalator?

00:42:06They're standing there trying to time that step coming out.

00:42:11And when do you lose that skill?

00:42:12Does that just happen overnight?

00:42:13I mean, do you just go to the mall one day and just go,

00:42:17Whoa, that thing is moving right there.

00:42:23Here's a tip for all of you on the escalator.

00:42:25When you get to the top or the bottom, you don't know where you're going,

00:42:27step aside, then make a plan.

00:42:29How hard a concept is that for people to wrap their heads around?

00:42:32They get off the top.

00:42:33Okay, which way are we going to go?

00:42:35There's 400 people being force-fed up your backside.

00:42:38Move.

00:42:39I'm from Seattle.

00:42:42Marijuana is now legal.

00:42:43You can buy a cookie.

00:42:44So now I know how to shut up the neighbor's dog.

00:42:51There you go, Sparky.

00:42:52You better get out of the sun.

00:42:57You're about to take a long nap, my friend.

00:43:03You're looking around going, that's a good idea.

00:43:07I went to Hong Kong and Singapore.

00:43:09Worked these English-speaking comedy clubs, spent several days exploring Hong Kong.

00:43:12But there was something different about the city.

00:43:14I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

00:43:15Finally figured it out.

00:43:16You know what it is?

00:43:17No Chinatown.

00:43:22It's a stupid joke.

00:43:23I know that.

00:43:26I got here yesterday.

00:43:27We landed in Salt Lake City.

00:43:29Took a Uber down here.

00:43:30And the guy had the radio on.

00:43:31And one of your local hospitals is doing an ad for their emergency room.

00:43:35Is that something you shop around for?

00:43:40An emergency room?

00:43:42I didn't get my finger off the table, so I'll get an emergency room.

00:43:44Let's try that new place in Spanish for it.

00:43:49Get the Sunday paper.

00:43:50There's a coupon in there.

00:43:51If your finger's half off, it's half off.

00:43:59And then some mattress firm, mattress something, some mattress store running an ad right now

00:44:04telling you you can finance a mattress over 48 months.

00:44:08If it takes you four years to pay off a mattress, you can't afford a mattress.

00:44:17If it takes you four years to pay off a mattress, nothing will help you sleep better.

00:44:24You want to sleep better?

00:44:25Get a career where you can afford a mattress.

00:44:26And how did the entire mattress industry decide from coast to coast, the only way we can move

00:44:35this product is to get a tattooed meth hat out on the sidewalk with a sign and spin that

00:44:39thing around a few times?

00:44:41A mattress is not an impulse buy.

00:44:43You have never been driving home from work and went, I got to get a mattress on that.

00:44:52You know what?

00:44:52Every time I see that guy on the sidewalk, you know what I'm thinking?

00:44:55That's the owner's nephew.

00:44:57He told his sister, I'll give him a job, but he's not coming in the store.

00:45:04How about this piece of advertising?

00:45:05You ever drive by a business, there's a big banner hanging out front, it says under new

00:45:09management.

00:45:09Has that ever worked and brought in a customer?

00:45:11It's always on a mini mart or an old motel.

00:45:13That's where you see that thing.

00:45:14Hey, honey, you know that motel on the old highway where those people got shot and they

00:45:18were making meth?

00:45:19It's under new management.

00:45:22We should check it out.

00:45:25You know what that sign should say?

00:45:27Still a dump.

00:45:31You know what sign I saw in my neighborhood?

00:45:33A handmade sign in a guy's front yard.

00:45:35It said garage sell.

00:45:38Sell.

00:45:39S-E-L-L.

00:45:40Garage sell.

00:45:42What kind of hillbilly meth head?

00:45:45Miss spells the word sale.

00:45:46That word's everywhere.

00:45:47On sale.

00:45:48For sale.

00:45:49Back to school sale.

00:45:50Sale.

00:45:50S-A-I-L.

00:45:56It's nice to work in front of smart people.

00:45:58It really is.

00:45:59There are places in this country they stare at me on that one.

00:46:02You spell that all right.

00:46:14See this?

00:46:15The West Virginia State Legislature passed their roadkill bill, making it easier for the citizens

00:46:20of West Virginia to possess and eat their roadkill.

00:46:22Hey honey, I'm leaving work.

00:46:25You want me to hit something?

00:46:29What a great DUI defense that is.

00:46:31I pulled you over.

00:46:31Swallow back there.

00:46:32You been drinking?

00:46:33I was hunting.

00:46:36Good luck.

00:46:37I have a website.

00:46:41It's bradupton.com.

00:46:42No reason I tell you.

00:46:43I don't feel the need to put the www in there.

00:46:45Do we need to hear that on websites?

00:46:46www.

00:46:47They're all www.

00:46:48What's that short for, by the way?

00:46:50World Wide Web.

00:46:51Right.

00:46:51World Wide Web has three syllables.

00:46:53www has nine.

00:47:00It's not short for anything.

00:47:02That's what I'm trying to tell you.

00:47:03Thank you.

00:47:07Some of you guys are looking at me like the Taliban watching baseball.

00:47:21The NCAA said that all colleges with an Indian mascot had to get rid of their Indian mascot

00:47:26because it was offensive to Indians.

00:47:27The NCAA is headquartered in Indianapolis, Indiana.

00:47:34Slightly ironic.

00:47:37Did you guys watch the Olympics last summer?

00:47:39Of course you did.

00:47:40America did great in the Olympics.

00:47:41We had a great Olympic Games.

00:47:43That was great.

00:47:43You know, though, when you're watching the Olympic Games,

00:47:45you see the eight fastest men in the world,

00:47:47the eight fastest women in the world.

00:47:48I think we forget how fast they are.

00:47:50You know what I think they ought to do to keep it in perspective?

00:47:52Pull somebody out of the stands, give them a shot at the goal.

00:47:56Section 32, row six, seat nine.

00:47:58Come on down.

00:47:59You're going for the goal.

00:48:00Some fat guy with a selfie stick.

00:48:11That is a 35 second hundred meters right there.

00:48:16You know what else I'd like to see in the Olympics sometime?

00:48:18Just some athlete snap and lose it.

00:48:20Just lose his cool like a diver.

00:48:22He's in sixth.

00:48:23It's his last jump.

00:48:24He knows he can't medal.

00:48:25He walks out there.

00:48:26He goes, you know what?

00:48:26I trained half my life for this.

00:48:28I'm not going to get anything.

00:48:35Because the next day, no one would know who won that competition.

00:48:40Everybody in the world would know that guy's name.

00:48:43He'd be doing endorsements for the rest of his life.

00:48:47Do you know from 1900 to 1920, tug of war was an Olympic sport.

00:48:51Tug of war.

00:48:51I wish they'd bring that back.

00:48:53I'd like to see some big Russian steroid monsters

00:48:55against like the strongest guys from Somalia.

00:48:59Vlad, Sasha, check these guys.

00:49:05See the arms come off?

00:49:09I believe we won.

00:49:12Who's next?

00:49:12Mexico.

00:49:15The Mexican team.

00:49:16Tug of war.

00:49:18I thought you said taco war.

00:49:19It's no bueno.

00:49:282010, I was in Vancouver.

00:49:29I got some tickets for the Olympic Games

00:49:31and I got to see luge.

00:49:32And they were interviewing this guy,

00:49:34this luge legend.

00:49:3538 years old, been in four Olympics,

00:49:36going to retire after the Olympics from luge.

00:49:38I thought, how do you retire from that sport?

00:49:40It's laying down.

00:49:43It's not like you're going to lose a step.

00:49:44It's laying down.

00:49:46Laying down is the only skill you get better at

00:49:48every year you're alive.

00:49:50And eventually you master it.

00:49:57You can send a corpse down the hill

00:49:58and get a great time.

00:50:00The stiffer the better.

00:50:02Like, oh, Grandpa's going for it.

00:50:03Look at him.

00:50:11And I'd take us to go see biathlon.

00:50:13You know what that is.

00:50:13Cross-country skiing and target shooting.

00:50:15How do you put those two oddball events together

00:50:17come up with a sport?

00:50:18Hey, I know.

00:50:19Let's run the 110-meter high hurdles

00:50:20and change the brakes on a 79 Plymouth Fury.

00:50:24I'm the world's best.

00:50:27I've interviewed the American.

00:50:28He was ranked 20th in the world.

00:50:29And I asked him, what are your chances?

00:50:30And I thought, you know what?

00:50:31You're skiing through the woods with a rifle.

00:50:33Pretty good.

00:50:37I'm coming out of the woods in first place

00:50:38under those circumstances.

00:50:39I'm low on ammo, but I'm in the league.

00:50:48Did you guys follow me on that one?

00:50:52I shot everybody.

00:51:00How many of you are not under the age of 30?

00:51:0220-somethings?

00:51:02Let me hear from the 20-somethings.

00:51:03Yeah.

00:51:04These are the dumbest people I've ever met in my life.

00:51:09Not personally, just as a group.

00:51:12Do me a favor.

00:51:13Put some cash in your pocket.

00:51:14Use your debit cards every $1.17 purchase.

00:51:17I get so tired to stand mine on a mini mark.

00:51:19That's $1.17.

00:51:20Here's my debit cards.

00:51:21You don't have a buck and a quarter?

00:51:25I know they're dumber than people my age.

00:51:26You know, when I was growing up,

00:51:27we didn't have any childproof caps.

00:51:29You dropped a Coke bottle, it didn't bounce.

00:51:30It shattered.

00:51:32Our parents let us play with guns and knives and fireworks.

00:51:35You know what happened to the dumb kids?

00:51:36They didn't make it.

00:51:42It's true.

00:51:44These guys grew up in a world that's childproofed and padded.

00:51:46All the dumb ones lived.

00:51:49Now they use debit cards.

00:51:50$1.17 purchases.

00:51:52You ever see what they're buying?

00:51:53Energy drinks.

00:51:54How much energy do you need in your 20s?

00:51:58Should be selling those at their retirement village.

00:52:01That's the target market right there.

00:52:03A couple of monsters and a Red Bull

00:52:04are going to pick up that bingo game, I'm sure.

00:52:08B-19, that's mine.

00:52:20A lot of our terms don't mean anything.

00:52:23I don't want to sound like a broken record.

00:52:24You know what that means, right?

00:52:25People under 30 never own a record player.

00:52:27They don't know what that means.

00:52:28They don't know what that means.

00:52:29They don't know what that means.

00:52:30You still don't.

00:52:38You ever watch them on their smartphones?

00:52:40Can't put them down.

00:52:40Somebody calls, somebody texts, they need a tweet.

00:52:42Jeez, focus.

00:52:44You ever take a smartphone away from a 20-something?

00:52:46They don't know what to do.

00:52:46They look like they got hit with a shovel.

00:52:47I should have learned how to talk to people.

00:52:58The text never ends either.

00:52:59It's non-stop.

00:53:00Did you know in Seattle, I'm not making this up.

00:53:02There's a public service campaign going on.

00:53:03It's on the buses, in the newspapers,

00:53:05on the radio stations, telling young people,

00:53:07you cannot text 911.

00:53:09You have to call and use your voice.

00:53:14I wish I was making that up.

00:53:15Because apparently they've had trouble with it.

00:53:20OMG, someone's in the house.

00:53:31I am not ROFLMAO.

00:53:37These are initials for everything you read their text.

00:53:39It's all initials.

00:53:40End of a funny sentence, LOL.

00:53:41You know, we used to put initials

00:53:42at the end of a funny sentence.

00:53:43We used to write H-A-H-A.

00:53:45It's pronounced ha-ha, and it stood for ha-ha.

00:53:51Which is a much better way to say ha-ha than LOL.

00:53:57You're not the first ones to use the initials, FYI.

00:54:03I make fun of the 20-somethings of their phones,

00:54:05but you know what?

00:54:05I'm as bad as they are.

00:54:06They're addictive.

00:54:07It's instant information at the end of your hand.

00:54:09It's hard to leave them alone.

00:54:10But I do miss the black, old-school rotary phones.

00:54:12You know why I know what those are good for?

00:54:1320-somethings, you're missing out on this.

00:54:15The older people remember this.

00:54:17End in an argument.

00:54:18Yeah.

00:54:19Remember slamming those down?

00:54:21Felt good to slam a phone down.

00:54:23You could let some aggression out.

00:54:24You know what?

00:54:24Kiss mine.

00:54:25Bang.

00:54:26Felt good.

00:54:27You can't do that with a smartphone.

00:54:30You know, kiss mine.

00:54:31Beat click.

00:54:35You'd tear your pants pocket out doing that.

00:54:39Remember those old phones?

00:54:40There was a bell in there.

00:54:40You slammed it hard enough.

00:54:41You could ring it.

00:54:43Look at it.

00:54:43I see some people nodding there, remember?

00:54:45You know what?

00:54:45Kiss mine.

00:54:49You guys know I did this?

00:54:51Phones used to be on the wall.

00:54:55I'm not making that up.

00:54:57I'll tell you something else.

00:54:59People used to call us.

00:55:00We didn't know who it was.

00:55:04I'm not making that up either, am I?

00:55:07Remember the phone would ring?

00:55:08You would run to answer it.

00:55:09You pull your hamstring and get into the phone.

00:55:13Now you hear that thing ring.

00:55:14You go, whatever.

00:55:16And do you know why you would run?

00:55:17Listen to this.

00:55:18Do you know why you would run to the phone?

00:55:19Listen to this.

00:55:19Because if you didn't get there,

00:55:20there were no answered machines.

00:55:24You're looking at me like, no way.

00:55:25And then you didn't know.

00:55:27You did not know.

00:55:28You'd stand like, who was that?

00:55:29And then, listen to this.

00:55:30You had to call all your friends.

00:55:32Listen to this.

00:55:32On numbers that you stored in your head.

00:55:40I'm not making that up either, am I?

00:55:42No.

00:55:43All the old people in here,

00:55:44they know the number of the house they grew up in.

00:55:46Am I right?

00:55:47Yeah.

00:55:47Now do you know your spouse's number?

00:55:49No.

00:55:51Phones are smart.

00:55:52We're not.

00:55:53Some kids are having trouble telling time now.

00:55:55They never see the face of a clock.

00:55:57They don't know how to tell time.

00:55:58Think about the crummy fighter pilots

00:55:59they're going to make.

00:56:00Enemy aircraft, two o'clock.

00:56:01Oh, shit.

00:56:11That's in an hour.

00:56:12You don't need to stop in this country.

00:56:20Any kind of restaurant,

00:56:21you go into like an Applebee's,

00:56:22one of those chains.

00:56:23This is so annoying.

00:56:24Where the staff sings happy birthday to somebody.

00:56:26Yeah, look at your nod.

00:56:27Why do we do it?

00:56:28Everybody involved hates it.

00:56:30Staff hates it.

00:56:31Diners hate it.

00:56:32Birthday boy hates it.

00:56:34You know who likes it?

00:56:34Birthday boy's friend.

00:56:37Yeah, that's the one idiot

00:56:38enjoying that moment right there.

00:56:39I feel like the arsonist of the fire.

00:56:42Like, I caused this.

00:56:51Speaking of birthdays,

00:56:52I was in a Hallmark store that day

00:56:53looking at birthday cards.

00:56:54If you've seen this,

00:56:54Hallmark has a line of birthday cards now

00:56:57for people turning 100.

00:56:59How many of those do you think

00:57:00they sell in a week?

00:57:02Those cannot be flying off the shelf.

00:57:04And if you have to buy a card

00:57:06for somebody's turn 100,

00:57:07put that off of the last minute.

00:57:09It's okay to laugh at that.

00:57:17It's not like they're here.

00:57:21They're at the casino.

00:57:25This happened in Seattle a few months ago.

00:57:27A guy got killed on the interstate.

00:57:28He was driving the wrong way

00:57:29down the interstate.

00:57:30And the police spokesman

00:57:31was quoted as saying,

00:57:32we don't know how fast he was traveling.

00:57:33But the posted speed limit

00:57:34on that section of the highway

00:57:35is 60 miles an hour.

00:57:37If you're driving the wrong way

00:57:38down the interstate,

00:57:39all the speed limit signs are silver.

00:57:43I don't think speed's

00:57:44your biggest worry at that point.

00:57:48Hope I don't get a ticket.

00:57:53I was slipping through the channels

00:57:54the other night

00:57:54and I came across

00:57:55a senior golf tournament.

00:57:56and I thought,

00:57:56who's watching seniors play golf?

00:57:59Who has that kind of time

00:58:00in your life?

00:58:01You know what I would watch though?

00:58:02Senior cage fighting.

00:58:06I don't think I could sleep

00:58:08if I thought that was on.

00:58:12A couple of 20-year-olds

00:58:13in the cage,

00:58:14they're going to fight again

00:58:14in a month.

00:58:15A couple of 80-year-olds

00:58:16in there,

00:58:16that's a death match.

00:58:19Tap out,

00:58:20crap out,

00:58:20nap out.

00:58:21That's how that's done.

00:58:29You ever see

00:58:29these kind of stories

00:58:30when somebody gets killed?

00:58:31Kind of tragic circumstances.

00:58:33Maybe they were rock climbing,

00:58:34fishing, skydiving

00:58:35to get killed

00:58:35and people always say this.

00:58:36I know they mean well.

00:58:37They go,

00:58:37at least he died

00:58:38doing something he loved.

00:58:40Which to me

00:58:40is the cruelest irony

00:58:41of all time.

00:58:43Because if I told you

00:58:43I was going to teach you

00:58:44how to fish,

00:58:44you're going to love fishing.

00:58:45You're going to fish

00:58:46almost every weekend

00:58:47for the next 30 years.

00:58:48But eventually,

00:58:49you're going to fall

00:58:50to the boat and drown.

00:58:52You go,

00:58:52well, you know what?

00:58:53I think I will learn

00:58:53how to draw.

00:58:56You want to be happy

00:58:56for somebody?

00:58:57Hope they die

00:58:58doing something they hated.

00:59:00Then they didn't have to finish.

00:59:04I want to die

00:59:05on Thanksgiving weekend

00:59:06at my in-laws house.

00:59:11Maybe I can ruin

00:59:12that weekend

00:59:13for them one time.

00:59:19You ever hear

00:59:19I died under

00:59:20those circumstances?

00:59:21I want you

00:59:21to be happy for me.

00:59:24Ah, that's great.

00:59:24He hated doing that.

00:59:29I got invited

00:59:30to a 70s theme party recently.

00:59:31I went to the Goodwill store

00:59:32to look for ugly plaid jacket

00:59:34and I found it.

00:59:35And as I got

00:59:35to the cash register,

00:59:36I discovered

00:59:37that Goodwill

00:59:37sells gift cards.

00:59:41Let me repeat

00:59:42that one more time.

00:59:44Goodwill

00:59:45sells gift cards.

00:59:47When is it

00:59:47appropriate to give

00:59:49or to receive

00:59:50a Goodwill gift card?

00:59:53Hey, I'm going to spend

00:59:53some money on you.

00:59:54Why don't you buy yourself

00:59:54something?

00:59:55Nothing new, of course.

01:00:01I'm guessing

01:00:01there's a used crockpot

01:00:02or a t-shirt

01:00:03worn by a stranger

01:00:04in here with your name on it.

01:00:06If you ever have a card

01:00:07and a Goodwill gift card

01:00:08drops out of there,

01:00:10you might want to rethink

01:00:11the relationship.

01:00:12Look, honey,

01:00:14dinner for two

01:00:15at the food bank.

01:00:20The Goodwill store

01:00:21by my house

01:00:22last June said

01:00:2350% off Father's Day sale.

01:00:24Nothing says

01:00:25I love you pops.

01:00:27Quite like,

01:00:28hey, Dad,

01:00:28jump in the car.

01:00:29We don't want to pay

01:00:29full price for the used stuff.

01:00:33If my kids

01:00:34ever take me

01:00:34to Goodwill

01:00:35on Father's Day,

01:00:36you know what I want

01:00:36for Father's Day?

01:00:37I want some new kids.

01:00:38I'm supposed to go

01:00:42to the Home Depot

01:00:43this weekend.

01:00:44I am not looking forward to that.

01:00:45I don't like going

01:00:45into the Home Depot.

01:00:46You know what?

01:00:47Why have 12 checkout stands

01:00:48if you're never going

01:00:49to open them all at once?

01:00:51You ever seen them

01:00:52all open at once?

01:00:53No.

01:00:53What set of circumstances

01:00:55has to occur?

01:00:58Hey, I got an idea.

01:00:59How about Sunday afternoon?

01:01:00There's 40 of us

01:01:00in this line.

01:01:02Now they make you

01:01:03scan your own things in there.

01:01:04You know what I do?

01:01:04This is brilliant.

01:01:05The machine gives you

01:01:06the option of Spanish

01:01:06or English, right?

01:01:07There's always somebody

01:01:08watching the self-serve machines.

01:01:10I just hit Spanish

01:01:11and go,

01:01:11hey, could you do this for me?

01:01:18They come over every time.

01:01:19They do it for you.

01:01:21They look at you

01:01:22like an idiot.

01:01:22It doesn't matter.

01:01:23You know why?

01:01:23You're not the one

01:01:24wearing the orange vest.

01:01:29Guy got all finished.

01:01:30I said, gracias.

01:01:35Me gusta el chalaco.

01:01:37I did a show

01:01:39a couple years ago

01:01:39in August

01:01:40in Phoenix, Arizona.

01:01:41You ever been to Phoenix

01:01:42in August?

01:01:43Oh, yeah.

01:01:44It's nice.

01:01:46About 180 every day.

01:01:49What do locals

01:01:50always tell me about the heat?

01:01:52Dry heat.

01:01:53Yeah.

01:01:53You know what?

01:01:54So is fire.

01:01:58One time,

01:01:59walking by the bank,

01:01:59you know the sign

01:02:00that flashes back and forth

01:02:02between the time

01:02:02and the temperature

01:02:03at 109 in the afternoon.

01:02:05The time and the temperature

01:02:06was exactly the same.

01:02:08That sign's going,

01:02:09109.

01:02:11109.

01:02:13109.

01:02:13I'm like,

01:02:14oh, better not be like that

01:02:15at 430.

01:02:22But if you've never been there,

01:02:23it's so dry.

01:02:24You get chapped lips.

01:02:25You get nosebleeds.

01:02:26I always talk about

01:02:26how many old people

01:02:27live in Phoenix.

01:02:28I don't think they're old.

01:02:28I think they're dried out.

01:02:31They're in their 20s.

01:02:32They just need

01:02:33a glass of water.

01:02:38They could get one

01:02:38if they had a debit card.

01:02:46I will tell you

01:02:47a little bit of myself.

01:02:48I am recently a widower.

01:02:50If everything went as planned.

01:02:58These are jokes, folks.

01:03:01Relax.

01:03:03It's a comedy show.

01:03:07It's not true.

01:03:08My wife and I

01:03:08have been together

01:03:0837 years.

01:03:09Thank you very much.

01:03:10That's pretty good.

01:03:16Married 30.

01:03:16Been together 37 years.

01:03:18We have a 22-year-old son

01:03:19and a 20-year-old daughter.

01:03:20They both drive, of course.

01:03:21You know what that means?

01:03:21As soon as they get in the car,

01:03:22they take over the radio station.

01:03:24I have to listen to

01:03:24the worst music

01:03:25I've ever heard in my life.

01:03:26You know what?

01:03:27I figured I'm going

01:03:27to get a change of station.

01:03:28Sing along.

01:03:31Honey, got a booty like

01:03:32pow, pow, pow.

01:03:39Dad, stop it.

01:03:40Call me Mr. Flintstone

01:03:41because I can make you

01:03:42bedrock.

01:03:43Stop it.

01:03:50Why are you doing that?

01:03:51I blame it on the

01:03:52alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.

01:03:58My son says,

01:03:59you sound stupid.

01:04:01I said,

01:04:01I got one less problem

01:04:02without you.

01:04:07He says,

01:04:07why are you poking me?

01:04:08I go,

01:04:09can't keep my hands

01:04:10to myself.

01:04:10I love it on the kitchen.

01:04:16My two kids,

01:04:16my wife walks in.

01:04:17I go, honey,

01:04:18got a booty like

01:04:18pow, pow, pow.

01:04:21And you know what?

01:04:21That's her cue

01:04:22to give me one

01:04:22of those things right there.

01:04:24Let me tell you something.

01:04:35We don't see the kids

01:04:35for a couple of days.

01:04:39I highly recommend it.

01:04:42Honey, got a booty like

01:04:44pow, pow, pow.

01:04:45What kind of lyric is that?

01:04:48They don't write them

01:04:49like they used to.

01:04:49I know that George Harrison

01:04:50wrote the most beautiful

01:04:51Beatles songs of all time.

01:04:53Something in the way

01:04:53she moves attracts me

01:04:54like no other lover.

01:04:56That's a beautiful lyric.

01:04:57You know what he's

01:04:57trying to say.

01:04:58Honey, got a booty like

01:04:59pow, pow, pow.

01:05:07I don't mess with my kids

01:05:08a little.

01:05:08Had to take those car seats

01:05:09out of the back.

01:05:10Have you ever knew that

01:05:10as a parent?

01:05:10Take the car seats

01:05:11out of the back

01:05:11and then clean up

01:05:12the crack of the seat?

01:05:14It's disgusting.

01:05:16Full of broken cookies,

01:05:17raisins, M&Ms, pretzels.

01:05:18I think that's how

01:05:19they invented trail mix.

01:05:23I will guarantee you

01:05:24that's how that product

01:05:24originated.

01:05:26Wasn't a hiker that came

01:05:28up with trail mix.

01:05:29It was a parent somewhere

01:05:29that climbed in the back

01:05:30seat of the minivan

01:05:31scooped that up and went,

01:05:32you know what?

01:05:32if you took that fuzz

01:05:33and that Band-Aid

01:05:34out of there.

01:05:40I would eat that.

01:05:48I can't imagine what it'd

01:05:49be like to be single again.

01:05:50Walk to a nightclub

01:05:52and say something to a woman

01:05:52to impress her.

01:05:53I haven't done that

01:05:54in 37 years.

01:05:55I have no idea what I would

01:05:56say to a female anymore.

01:05:57I really don't.

01:05:57You know what I do now?

01:05:58I bet I would walk up to

01:05:59Lauren and go,

01:05:59hey, you know what?

01:06:00I vacuumed the whole house

01:06:01today.

01:06:09Did a couple loads of wash,

01:06:10folded it,

01:06:11put it away.

01:06:15Some of you ladies

01:06:15are liking this,

01:06:16aren't you?

01:06:18Is that a whole pile

01:06:19of laundry?

01:06:19I'm going to iron

01:06:20every piece of that.

01:06:25And I'd like to unload

01:06:26your dishwasher.

01:06:26The women are going,

01:06:32oh my word.

01:06:36You've been married a long

01:06:37time.

01:06:37Your wife,

01:06:38you give you a list

01:06:38of things to do

01:06:38around the house.

01:06:39Am I right, fellas?

01:06:40A honey-do list.

01:06:40Honey-do this,

01:06:41honey-do that.

01:06:41Can you imagine

01:06:42ever walking up

01:06:43to your wife,

01:06:44handing her a list

01:06:44and going,

01:06:44here,

01:06:45get these things done.

01:06:46Let me know how

01:06:53that works out for you.

01:06:54Not in a million years

01:06:58would it ever occur

01:06:59to any one of us

01:06:59to try and pull

01:07:00that one off.

01:07:02I said to my wife,

01:07:03you give me a list

01:07:03of things to do

01:07:04if I give you a list

01:07:04of things to quit doing.

01:07:05How about that?

01:07:07How about a honey-don't list?

01:07:10Perfectly fair.

01:07:11You don't want to list

01:07:11this, ladies?

01:07:12Don't put so many pillows

01:07:13on the bed.

01:07:14Gee, how many pillows

01:07:15do we need on a bed?

01:07:17Two heads,

01:07:18two pillows.

01:07:18That's all we need on that.

01:07:20I'll bet every bed here

01:07:21has got eight or ten pillows.

01:07:22Am I right, fellas?

01:07:24Yeah.

01:07:24What do you do

01:07:25when you go to bed, guys?

01:07:26You grab three of them,

01:07:26you throw them

01:07:27right on the floor.

01:07:29You gotta lay down somewhere.

01:07:32If you put your head

01:07:33on pillow number three,

01:07:34you're a feet or foot

01:07:35and a half off

01:07:35the end of the bed.

01:07:37Just grab them

01:07:38and throw them on the floor.

01:07:39And ladies,

01:07:40if you put a new bedspread

01:07:41on or new pillowcases

01:07:42we don't notice,

01:07:43don't get upset.

01:07:43You know why?

01:07:44We don't care.

01:07:47We don't care.

01:07:48My wife said,

01:07:49didn't you notice

01:07:49we had new pillowcases?

01:07:50Oh.

01:07:53Here's something

01:08:04every couple has in common.

01:08:05I don't care if you've been together

01:08:06five weeks or 50 years.

01:08:07You have your side of the bed

01:08:08you sleep on

01:08:08and under no circumstances

01:08:10will it ever change.

01:08:11Can you imagine

01:08:12going to bed some night?

01:08:13Your spouse went to bed

01:08:14an hour before you did

01:08:15and you walk in there.

01:08:16She's asleep on your side

01:08:17of the bed.

01:08:18Would you look at her

01:08:19and go,

01:08:19oh, how sweet.

01:08:21The love of my life

01:08:22fell asleep on my side

01:08:23of the bed.

01:08:24I don't wake her up,

01:08:25I'll sleep on her side

01:08:26of the bed.

01:08:26No.

01:08:27You pull up the sheets,

01:08:28you go,

01:08:28move over.

01:08:34It's not like you want

01:08:34to sleep on her side

01:08:35of the bed.

01:08:35You ever seen her nightstand,

01:08:37some of the things

01:08:37sitting over there?

01:08:39How about that file

01:08:39that is in their feet?

01:08:40You ever seen that thing?

01:08:44Are you starting a fire?

01:08:49You just scared the cat.

01:08:53I'm taking the calluses

01:08:54off my heel.

01:08:55Well, do that outside.

01:08:59I'll get the shop vac now.

01:09:04Should I grab the sand

01:09:05while I'm out there?

01:09:07God, I think I married

01:09:09Wilma Flintstone.

01:09:10When your kid's a little,

01:09:14he keeps syrup of epicac

01:09:15in the house.

01:09:16You know what that is?

01:09:16It makes you vomit.

01:09:17It makes you throw up.

01:09:18If they swallow poison,

01:09:19you give it to them.

01:09:19I bought it when my kids

01:09:20were little.

01:09:21I was reading the box.

01:09:21It has an expiration date on it.

01:09:26How bad can that go?

01:09:29Makes you puke?

01:09:31Hey, don't swallow that.

01:09:32That's old.

01:09:33That's gone bad.

01:09:33That'll make you sick right there.

01:09:37I need to buy some new

01:09:38fresh syrup of epicac.

01:09:41Hey, kids, come here.

01:09:41We need to finish this up.

01:09:42Where are you guys?

01:09:43Come here.

01:09:49Told you I was in Phoenix.

01:09:50Do they have in Phoenix?

01:09:50I'm not making this up.

01:09:51You know what they have in Phoenix?

01:09:52Tanning salons.

01:09:53Yes, they do.

01:09:55You know what?

01:09:56I've been to Alaska.

01:09:56I couldn't buy a snow cone.

01:09:59Just goes to prove

01:10:00people buy things

01:10:01they don't need.

01:10:01I'm convinced that.

01:10:02Have you seen those ads

01:10:03on TV for that Miracle Air?

01:10:04If you can hear all the words

01:10:05but can't understand them,

01:10:06you need Miracle Air.

01:10:07If I can hear all the words

01:10:08but can't understand them,

01:10:09I might be in Mexico.

01:10:15Do you know in Seattle

01:10:15the last three years

01:10:16we've had five major windstorms.

01:10:18All five of those

01:10:19major windstorms,

01:10:20every one of them

01:10:20been on a Thursday.

01:10:21You know how I know that?

01:10:22It's my garbage day.

01:10:26Spent every one

01:10:27of those windstorms

01:10:27looking at my garbage can.

01:10:29Never found it either

01:10:30but at least now

01:10:30I got a nicer one.

01:10:33Anybody else

01:10:34do the windstorm upgrade?

01:10:36Like, oh man,

01:10:37this one's nicer than mine.

01:10:38I'm grabbing this one.

01:10:44We had a huge windstorm

01:10:45several years ago

01:10:46right before Christmas.

01:10:47Everybody lost power

01:10:48five to eight days.

01:10:48It's cute when you lose

01:10:49the power, isn't it?

01:10:50For 20 minutes.

01:10:51For 20 minutes

01:10:52it's kind of a novelty.

01:10:53You're like,

01:10:53I keep turning on that light.

01:10:57It's fun for a few minutes.

01:10:58Day five,

01:10:59it's lost its charm.

01:11:01You're burning toys

01:11:02and furniture at that point.

01:11:04Let go of that.

01:11:05You don't play with that anymore.

01:11:09But after that storm

01:11:11in the Seattle region,

01:11:1213 people died.

01:11:13a hundred people

01:11:14were hospitalized

01:11:15for barbecuing

01:11:16in the house.

01:11:19You know what?

01:11:19Sometimes we just need

01:11:20to thin the herd.

01:11:23I read those things

01:11:24in paper and go,

01:11:25that is so tragic.

01:11:29But after that storm,

01:11:30the Washington State Legislature

01:11:32held an emergency session

01:11:33specifically to pass the law.

01:11:34Now in the state of Washington,

01:11:36all barbecues

01:11:36have to have a sign on them

01:11:38telling you

01:11:38not to barbecue

01:11:39in the house.

01:11:42Do we really need

01:11:43to be told

01:11:43not to barbecue

01:11:44in the house?

01:11:44Here's one for you.

01:11:45Don't put bacon

01:11:45in your pants

01:11:46and tease a pit bull either.

01:11:50There's certain things

01:11:51in life

01:11:51we don't need

01:11:52to be told.

01:11:54And if you're thinking

01:11:54about barbecuing

01:11:55in the house,

01:11:55I'm pretty sure

01:11:56you're not a reader.

01:12:04And we follow

01:12:04that windstorm

01:12:05up with some snow.

01:12:06You want some good comedy.

01:12:07I want you to come

01:12:07to Seattle

01:12:08and we get

01:12:08a half an inch of snow.

01:12:09You'll see

01:12:09the dumbest population

01:12:10you've ever seen

01:12:11in your life.

01:12:12People just parking

01:12:13their car on a bridge

01:12:13walking home.

01:12:14That's it.

01:12:14I'm leaving it.

01:12:15I don't care.

01:12:19I was in downtown Seattle.

01:12:20I saw on 5th Avenue

01:12:21a front-wheel drive

01:12:22Honda Civic

01:12:23tire chains

01:12:24on the rear wheels.

01:12:28I wish I was

01:12:28making that up.

01:12:30I just wanted to go

01:12:31over there,

01:12:31open up that door,

01:12:32reach in and go,

01:12:32you are so ignorant.

01:12:33I can't believe.

01:12:36Is that a barbecue

01:12:36in your back seat?

01:12:37Better not smell bacon.

01:12:45Ladies admit this too.

01:12:46You're walking around

01:12:46in the snow and ice

01:12:47with your husband

01:12:48or your boyfriend

01:12:48holding her to the arms

01:12:49so you won't slip.

01:12:50But basically your attitude

01:12:51is if I'm going down,

01:12:51this idiot's going

01:12:52with me right here.

01:12:53Yeah, I figured

01:12:54that one out right away.

01:12:55Let go, let go, let go!

01:12:58It's slick out here.

01:13:00Jeez!

01:13:04Did you guys see this?

01:13:05McDonald's announced

01:13:06they will no longer

01:13:07be using styrofoam.

01:13:08They'll be using cardboard.

01:13:09I'm thinking sooner or later

01:13:09they're going to have

01:13:10to use me.

01:13:15Wow, apparently

01:13:15McDonald's fans in here.

01:13:17I'm sorry.

01:13:19I've been at my yard,

01:13:20working in my yard.

01:13:21I've got these bald spots

01:13:22in the front yard.

01:13:23I don't know what caused it.

01:13:23They seem to be getting bigger.

01:13:24I've tried everything

01:13:25to make grass grow.

01:13:26Nothing works.

01:13:27So I'm going to do

01:13:27right next to the bald spot.

01:13:28I'm going to grow the grass

01:13:29really long.

01:13:37Break it over the top, baby.

01:13:40Going to make my yard great again.

01:13:41I did a show

01:13:50in Billings, Montana.

01:13:51Woo-hoo!

01:13:53It's a nice town.

01:13:54It's the only town in America

01:13:55that considers chili tobacco

01:13:56a vegetable.

01:13:58It's like a sea of John Deere hats

01:14:00and styrofoam cups.

01:14:01And it was ladies' night.

01:14:10Ugh.

01:14:18I was in Portland, Oregon

01:14:19last summer.

01:14:19This was a newspaper

01:14:20when I was in Portland.

01:14:21The sheriff's department

01:14:22had pulled a headless body

01:14:23out of the Willamette River.

01:14:24It said right in the article,

01:14:25the Multnomah County

01:14:26Sheriff's Department

01:14:26has not yet determined

01:14:27the cause of death.

01:14:31He's got no head.

01:14:36I just pictured

01:14:37all these cops

01:14:37and I go,

01:14:38what are you supposed

01:14:38to kill them?

01:14:41Think he drowned?

01:14:43Bet that water

01:14:44ran right down his neck.

01:14:47But the article

01:14:48went on to say

01:14:48they had not yet

01:14:49ruled out suicide.

01:14:53I mentioned

01:14:54there was no head.

01:14:54I mentioned that, right?

01:14:56How do you chop

01:14:56off your own head?

01:14:57That's what I'm going to do.

01:14:58Oh, Jay, this hurts.

01:15:01Woo!

01:15:06What kind of plan

01:15:07was this?

01:15:09How do you chop

01:15:09off your own head?

01:15:10That's what I'm going to do.

01:15:11Turn on the bandsaw

01:15:12and run down the hall.

01:15:15Ching, oi,

01:15:16nicked it.

01:15:17God, gee.

01:15:22Honey, we need

01:15:23to go to the emergency room.

01:15:25Let's try that new place

01:15:26in Spanish for it.

01:15:27How do you chop off

01:15:32your head,

01:15:32hide your head,

01:15:33go jump in a river?

01:15:38Oh, fine.

01:15:38I got my head off.

01:15:39Gee, that's a lot of work.

01:15:40All right, I gotta

01:15:40hide this darn thing.

01:15:42Now, okay.

01:15:44There's a good spot.

01:15:45They'll never find that.

01:15:46I'm going to go

01:15:48jump in a river.

01:15:52Where's the river?

01:16:05About six weeks ago,

01:16:06I was in the San Francisco

01:16:07airport.

01:16:07In the San Francisco

01:16:08airport,

01:16:08I saw a dwarf

01:16:09wearing a giant's jacket.

01:16:14I gotta be honest with you,

01:16:15that couldn't stop laughing.

01:16:18I was looking around,

01:16:18going,

01:16:18does anyone else

01:16:19not see how funny that is?

01:16:21It's a giant.

01:16:26I work on about

01:16:26six or eight cruise ships

01:16:27a year.

01:16:28I was up in Juneau, Alaska.

01:16:29It's beautiful

01:16:29if you've ever been there.

01:16:30It's right on the water

01:16:31and these big,

01:16:32beautiful mountains

01:16:32come up directly

01:16:33behind the city.

01:16:34And early in the cruise season,

01:16:35they still have snow on them.

01:16:36The locals told me

01:16:37the number one

01:16:37asked question

01:16:38by these tourists

01:16:38that go off the ship

01:16:39and look around is,

01:16:40what's the elevation here?

01:16:45You just got off a boat.

01:16:48You remember going uphill?

01:16:53That is so sad.

01:16:55I just grabbed my other head

01:16:56and dipped in that salt water.

01:16:57That is salt water, see?

01:17:00Salt water, see?

01:17:01See?

01:17:02Sea level.

01:17:02First time I flew to Alaska

01:17:07like 25 years ago.

01:17:08I flew from Seattle to Anchorage.

01:17:10I had this bonehead

01:17:10sitting next to me.

01:17:11He's talking to me.

01:17:11He goes,

01:17:12you ever been to Hawaii?

01:17:13I've been there a couple of times.

01:17:14He goes,

01:17:14I've never been to Hawaii.

01:17:14In fact,

01:17:15we land in Anchorage.

01:17:16I'll be the closest

01:17:17I've ever been to Hawaii.

01:17:22What makes you think

01:17:23we can fly

01:17:23three and a half hours

01:17:24north of Seattle

01:17:25to be closer to Hawaii?

01:17:25Have you ever looked at a map?

01:17:27I don't think the problem is

01:17:28every map of the United States

01:17:29you've ever seen.

01:17:29It's the lower 48,

01:17:30right in the corner,

01:17:31Hawaii and Alaska.

01:17:38It took you a minute,

01:17:39but you got it

01:17:39and I appreciate it.

01:17:43I tore my hamstring

01:17:44a couple of years ago.

01:17:45I tore it really bad

01:17:46and I know you don't care

01:17:46and basically what I did

01:17:47was aggravate

01:17:48an old high school

01:17:48fishing injury.

01:17:52Seeing if you're listening.

01:17:54But I was getting over that.

01:17:55I was thinking about that.

01:17:56Tearing muscles

01:17:57is unique to humans.

01:17:58You've never seen your cat

01:17:59jump out of a dead sleep,

01:18:00run down the hall.

01:18:06It's true.

01:18:07You ever seen a bird

01:18:08take off and pull away?

01:18:16I'm going to be walking

01:18:17for weeks.

01:18:20These big web feet,

01:18:21they're no good.

01:18:23You'd really suck

01:18:24if you're a snake

01:18:24and you threw your back out.

01:18:28I see a dog just one time

01:18:30walk up to something

01:18:31and go,

01:18:31oh!

01:18:34The old high school

01:18:35frisbee injury.

01:18:36God.

01:18:40We have a cat at home.

01:18:41Who's got a cat at home?

01:18:41Cat owners?

01:18:42Cat owners?

01:18:42Yeah?

01:18:43You ever step in cat puke

01:18:44barefoot at about

01:18:453.30 in the morning?

01:18:47Oh, more cat owners now.

01:18:50That's nice, isn't it?

01:18:50Stumbling into the bathroom

01:18:52at 3.30 in the morning,

01:18:53half dead to the world.

01:18:54Oh, God!

01:18:56Stupid cat.

01:18:57Oh, that was still warm.

01:19:01Here's something for the cat owners.

01:19:03You ever wake up to this

01:19:03at 3.30 in the morning?

01:19:04Jump out of bed

01:19:11in the dark,

01:19:12naked with no glasses on.

01:19:14All I try and do

01:19:15is find the cat

01:19:15so you can throw him

01:19:16on the tile.

01:19:18Not on the carpet.

01:19:19Where is he?

01:19:20Not on the carpet.

01:19:25All you do when you grab the cat

01:19:26is give him the Heimlich maneuver.

01:19:28You're walking back to bed.

01:19:29I think I got him in time.

01:19:30Oh, jeez.

01:19:31Hey, good thing

01:19:33these pillows are down here.

01:19:37You guys are wonderful.

01:19:38Thank you very much.

01:19:39I hope you had as much fun

01:19:40as I did.

01:19:41Thank you so much.

01:19:42Thank you so much.

01:19:43Thank you so much.

01:19:44Thank you so much.

01:19:45Thank you so much.

01:19:46Thank you so much.

01:19:47Thank you so much.

01:19:48Thank you so much.

01:19:49Thank you so much.

01:19:50Thank you so much.

01:19:51Thank you so much.

01:19:52Thank you so much.

01:19:53Thank you so much.

01:19:54Thank you so much.

01:19:55Thank you so much.

01:19:56Thank you so much.

01:19:57Thank you so much.

01:19:58Thank you so much.

01:19:59Thank you so much.

01:20:00Thank you so much.

01:20:01Thank you so much.

01:20:02Thank you so much.

01:20:03Thank you so much.

01:20:04Thank you so much.

Brad Upton - Dry Bar Comedy Double Feature

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