00:00So I'm actually reading labels on the gas pump.
00:04And one was there that I'd never seen before.
00:07It said, warning, gasoline may be harmful or fatal if swallowed.
00:18And I'm wondering if that sign is actually saving the lives of thousands of brain-dead goofballs every year.
00:29Because if you pull up to a gas pump because you're thirsty, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle.
00:40And you certainly shouldn't be reproducing.
00:42That should be off the table there.
00:45But no, I'm not so sure that sign is really benefiting society because it's interfering with the laws of natural selection.
00:55Because if you're dumb enough to suck gasoline out of a nozzle, you're doing humanity a favor by weeding out the underachievers.
01:09Tidying up the gene pool.
01:12Maybe opening up some of those scholarship opportunities for more deserving candidates.
01:18Yeah, if you just keep your eyes open, materials everywhere.
01:24For example, when I'm sitting in my easy chair and watching football, my wife thinks I'm goofing off.
01:32No, no.
01:34Intense observation is very strenuous.
01:38Possibly even aerobic.
01:40I've learned a lot.
01:42For example, I've learned that in football, the big-voiced announcers, you know, they change the whole tone of the game by making everything sound more dramatic and important.
01:54The big fullback slices over the left side, takes two tacklers with him.
01:58Good second effort gets him down close to the 38-yard line and a first down.
02:03But there's a flag on the play.
02:05Let's go down to the field to see what the infraction is.
02:08And then they zoom in on that ref on the field, and he turns on that microphone.
02:16A whole tone of the game can change just like that.
02:21Illegal hands to the face.
02:24On the offense, number 59, it's a 10-yard penalty.
02:28Still second down.
02:32Well, thank you, Goober Earl.
02:34Thanks for coming up from Hooterville to call the game for us.
02:40Yeah, what amazes me, as a performer, these guys have a close-up and a microphone on national television, and they never take advantage of it.
02:50You would think.
02:52Every once in a while, you'd think they would, you know.
02:55Holding on the offense, number 55.
02:58It's a 10-yard penalty.
03:00Happy birthday, Wylene.
03:01You still my little sugar booger.
03:09I love you, sweet pea.
03:12Still second down.
03:16And, you know, they don't work all year.
03:18These referees, it's a short season, what, five, six months, something like that.
03:22They might figure out a way to make a couple extra bucks, you know.
03:26Personal, foul, unnecessary roughness on the offense, number 55, who could control his overly aggressive tendencies with the daily use of doctor-recommended Lexipro.
03:42Take back your life with Lexipro.
03:45And who could get 15% or more off his car insurance with a 15-minute call to a lizard.
03:52Still second down.
03:53And then, guys, one day, one of these guys is just going to make history.
04:00He's going to go for it.
04:02They're going to play his clip for the next 30 years on special occasions.
04:11Illegal motion on the offense, number 79.
04:14It's a five-yard penalty.
04:16I can no longer live a lie.
04:23I have to be who I am.
04:26You can dance.
04:29You can jive.
04:30Having the time of your life.
04:34See that girl.
04:36Watch the scene.
04:37Digging the dancing queen.
04:39I love musical theater, and it's still second down.
04:55I even like the commercials when I'm watching football on television, you know.
05:00Because they treat me like I'm young and rugged.
05:04Beer-eye.
05:05Manly.
05:06Man about town, you know.
05:08I might buy that beer they're trying to sell me.
05:11And if I do, well, heck, college girls in bikinis will dance all around me.
05:18I might buy that luxury car they're trying to sell me.
05:21And if I do, I can just be driving right down Center Street out here.
05:26And Italian models will step out from behind telephone poles to look at that car and then get a glimpse of me.
05:38And I might even buy, they're trying to sell me, you know, this beast pickup and go crashing off across the ranch.
05:47And I might push through the mud and the sleet and the rocks to bring back that lost calf.
05:54Because I'm manly and rugged and sensitive.
05:58And I love veal.
06:05That's a good name for that dish, I think, you know.
06:10They wouldn't sell nearly as much of it in restaurants if they called it what it really is, you know.
06:15How is the cow-toddler parmesan this in the...
06:20I would just be wrong.
06:23I would just be wrong.
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