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00:30Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, The Countdown, Joe Wilkinson, Roisin Conaty, Phil Wang, Lou Sanders, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:53Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:02All right, let's meet tonight's players. First up, team captain Roisin Conaty.
01:06Roisin is a comedian, writer and performer. Is there anything she can't do?
01:14Yes, word puzzles and basic arithmetic. And joining Roisin, it's Phil Wang.
01:24Phil's mum is a doctor and archaeologist and Phil's dad is a multilingual civil servant, whilst Phil is, well, I'm guessing, a massive disappointment.
01:32Phil, I noticed you've come as a 70s cop who doesn't play by the rules tonight.
01:40I'm very proud of this, I'm very proud of this moustache. It's not easy for guys like me to grow moustaches, by which I mean Chinese guys, not fitness influencers.
01:48Have you noticed the only Chinese stereotype with a really good moustache is like a really old kung fu master in the mountains?
01:56That's how long it takes to grow a moustache.
02:02Up against them this evening, it's team captain Joe Wilkinson.
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10Joe Wilkinson is like Marmite. Love him or hate him, you've got to admit he smells weird.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:18And Joe's teammate, it's Lou Sanders.
02:20Hello.
02:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:24Lou keeps two mini trampolines in her home. When a landlord found out, he hit the roof.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31Roisin, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
02:33What have I been up to? Well, I've been writing, spent a lot of time in cafes writing,
02:37and I was in a cafe the other day, and my stomach made a noise.
02:42It sounded like saying the word hello. He went, hello.
02:46And the man sitting in front of me turned round and went, hello.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51Have you ever... I did the other day farted with my headphones on.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56And you can never be sure if it was silent or not.
02:59It definitely wasn't silent. No, I know.
03:01That's just hope you're living on there.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:05I don't know if this is off tone, but I got asked if I wanted to fart in the jar for £5 the other day.
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Nice!
03:13I said yes.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Why is she looking at me?
03:16LAUGHTER
03:19Um, Lou, what's the... what's the worst date you've ever been on?
03:22Ooh, um, I think the worst dates are when you think it's a date,
03:25but they think they've come round to read the electrical meter.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30I can imagine that is slightly awkward, yeah.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Did he ever make it out?
03:34No.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Actually, I did have an electrician round and I said, um, do you want a coffee?
03:40And he didn't take a coffee. He was there for like four hours,
03:42and then right at the end he went, yeah, all right, I'll have a latte.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47So you...
03:48So I said, is this a latte?
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Don't be like it.
03:52Wow.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54Sorry, no, just talk me through the, um...
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57The mime of you having sex, I can't believe you're single.
04:00Is that...? Is that how you do it?
04:02Don't look away.
04:03Give me that again, Lou, how's it work again when you're...?
04:05Oh, hang on, I'll just shake, I'll just shake.
04:07I'm more...
04:08I think I'm getting a lap dance now.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11I'm more sensitive.
04:12No, I can't follow through with that.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:16LAUGHTER
04:18I've got to try.
04:20APPLAUSE
04:21Welcome to, um, eight out of ten cats after dark.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:27OK, Joe, I...
04:30I assume you do very well with the ladies.
04:33What is your best chat-up line?
04:35Well, I think when it comes to chatting up the ladies,
04:38honesty is the best policy.
04:40So what I do is I politely approach a lady
04:42and I tell her that I've been struck by lightning a few times,
04:45and, er...
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47Luckily, the only side effect is I now have a rectal temperature
04:50of just below boiling point.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55If she doesn't believe me, I say,
04:57well, do you want to watch me melt a jelly baby
04:59between my...
05:01cloaking hot arse cheeks?
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04What's the take-up?
05:05About 40%.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:09Cost me a fortune in jelly babies.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12Phil, have you been working out?
05:13Why, thank you, Jimmy.
05:14Yeah.
05:15You know me, I'm addicted to the pump.
05:16I love it.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18Yeah, breast milk is very protein-rich.
05:23Yeah, I've been working out, trying to lose weight very hard.
05:26I did a...
05:28I checked my body fat percentage recently.
05:3026%!
05:32Over a quarter of my body is jolly.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35And I went to the supermarket to buy some pork mince.
05:37The pork mince is 10% fat.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40I'm looking at this pork mince going,
05:41this pig was ripped.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45My PT's asking me my body goals.
05:49I'm saying pigs.
05:50Get me down to pigs.
05:51Phil, have you got a mascot?
05:53Oh, yeah, well, I'm not a dad, despite my face.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57I'm not a dad, but I've noticed these are quite popular,
06:00these World's Best Dad mugs.
06:02There's a real market out there for insecure dads.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05So I thought, I've come up with a range
06:07of World's Best Dad products
06:09to really hammer home the fact that they aren't failing as dads.
06:12So to go with the mug, a teapot, obviously.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16And then what goes into the teapot?
06:18Kettle, of course.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20And, of course, what else do you have at breakfast?
06:21Maybe a little toast, right?
06:22Ooh.
06:23And I know what you're thinking.
06:24Oh, where's...
06:25Where's the World's Best Dad on this?
06:27Hello!
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30I've decided to venture into the bedroom as well,
06:33not just breakfast.
06:34And so I've got some World's Best Dad...
06:37..condoms on one side.
06:40Cos it's a condom.
06:42On the other side it says,
06:43but not today.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45APPLAUSE
06:47Lou, have you got a mascot?
06:54I've got two.
06:55These are my cats.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58These are models of my cats, Baby and Bobbit.
07:00And these are, like, taxidermy sort of versions.
07:04They're not the real thing.
07:05They're based on my cats.
07:07But I didn't want to put my cats in the spotlight.
07:10Because, um...
07:11Well, they were in a film once called, uh,
07:14Catty Come Home.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:18It's a great gag!
07:19That's really good.
07:20Do you want that again?
07:21LAUGHTER
07:23I'll just do that a bit later.
07:24Yeah, I don't want the boys to be in the spotlight
07:26after they were in, um, that gritty film.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29And that's a reference from the early 70s, is it?
07:31Again!
07:32Again!
07:33Again!
07:34Again!
07:35Yeah.
07:36Again!
07:37Again!
07:38Selling!
07:39Selling!
07:40Selling!
07:41Fuck!
07:42Can I confirm that these are not your cats?
07:45These aren't my real cats.
07:46Because I don't want my boys on the telly,
07:48because I'm trying to keep them out of the spotlight.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51Why?
07:52Why?
07:53Why?
07:54Why are you keeping them out of the spotlight?
07:55Well, because...
07:56Why?
07:57Well, because they were, you know,
07:58since they were in that very gritty film in 1966...
08:00Yeah, go on, go on.
08:01Go on, go on.
08:02Come on!
08:03What was the film called, Lou?
08:04What was it called?
08:05Catty Come Home!
08:06LAUGHTER
08:13Anyway, oh, God, I did get a pet psychic,
08:15to his story, and I don't think he was a real pet psychic.
08:17What?
08:18Really?
08:19Yeah.
08:20What, one of those rip-off merchants
08:21that couldn't really communicate with your pets?
08:24I paid him £100 to tell me that one cat liked the garden.
08:28LAUGHTER
08:30I said, can I get a message to the cat?
08:32And he said, yeah.
08:33Erm, so I said, well, can you tell Bobbert not to use his claws
08:37in the game, erm, finger under the blanket?
08:40Not what it sounds like.
08:41It's erm...
08:42It's not...
08:43It's just...
08:44It's a penis, isn't it?
08:45It's an innocent game.
08:47I said, can you tell Bobbert to not use his claws?
08:50And the pet psychic said, yeah, I told him.
08:53Er, but he said, you might need to remind him.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57Were you up to you later on, Roisin?
08:58Do you fancy getting him a finger under the blanket?
09:00LAUGHTER
09:01Yeah, I can get him a finger under the blanket.
09:03OK.
09:04Er, Roisin, have you got a mascot?
09:05I do, Jimmy.
09:06What have you got?
09:07Well, listen, the mascot's meant to bring you luck,
09:09but I have lost all confidence in winning this game,
09:12and you've destroyed my confidence,
09:14and I finally...
09:15Oh, look at how pleased you are with it.
09:16Yes, thank you.
09:17A lot.
09:18Erm, and so basically now what I'm going to do
09:20is just use my appearance, er, to sort of advertise
09:24my side hustle.
09:25Only fans.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27You know, it's a saturated market.
09:31To get to sort of come into the market this late in the game,
09:34you've got to come up with some very original ideas.
09:36Boy, oh, boy, have I got some.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40Boy, oh, boy.
09:41OK.
09:42Are they from the 1930s?
09:43Can I set it to my Onlyfans?
09:44I'm not going to...
09:45This is my sexy gear.
09:47OK, firstly, I'm back into Onlyfans vibe now.
09:49Boy, oh, boy.
09:50OK.
09:51Boy, oh, boy.
09:52Sleep from my eyes.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55Oh, yeah, baby.
09:57Oh, yeah.
09:58You can buy the sleep from these old moist balls,
10:02from my sexy peepers,
10:04from my big old wetten browns.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09You can buy crunchy or soft
10:11to do whatever you like with.
10:14You can sprinkle it over your granola.
10:16Oh, that is strong.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19And the other thing I have is
10:22the sexy handbag debris experience.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:28So what this is, is I go round my house,
10:31I just grab any one of my handbags
10:33and I just post it to you neat.
10:35I don't check what's in it.
10:36Checking is cheating.
10:38And then you can just go in
10:40and find all kinds of sexy gear.
10:42Ooh, what is this?
10:44A bottle of Gaviscon.
10:46Ooh, a rock hard bag of dog shit.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50Ooh, a whole pie.
10:55That I took two bites out of
10:57and then realised on the train
10:58it needs to be cooked.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00And last but not least,
11:02let's not forget this.
11:04Ooh, look at that.
11:05Look at all my...
11:06Look at all my sexy head fur.
11:08That you could rub against your face.
11:10Or your Jenny T's.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13Or...
11:14LAUGHTER
11:15You what, sorry?
11:16You could rub against what, sorry?
11:17Your Jenny T's.
11:18Your Jenny T's.
11:19Are you getting OnlyFans and QVC mixed up?
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23Uh, Joe, have you got a mascot?
11:25Yeah.
11:26Me and Fabio have really got into that show,
11:28you know, Is It Cake?
11:30Ooh!
11:31Yeah!
11:32Whoop, whoop!
11:33Um, they show you, you know,
11:35where they, like, the cake makers make cakes
11:37and they look like real things
11:39and I thought we could show one of his cakes
11:41and we can all guess which one's his cake.
11:43So bring it out, mate.
11:44APPLAUSE
11:45So, we have to guess which of these are shoes
11:52and which of these is Fabio's cake.
11:55So go on, mate, show us.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01Yeah.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:03Yeah, we know it...
12:04LAUGHTER
12:06LAUGHTER
12:08We know it's that one.
12:09Yeah, yeah, it's that one, yeah.
12:11Go on, fuck off.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:14APPLAUSE
12:19OK, over in Dictionary Corner is David O'Docherty.
12:21Woo!
12:22CHEERING
12:23APPLAUSE
12:24According to a recent interview,
12:27David doesn't like snakes or mayonnaise.
12:30I don't think we need Dr Freud to work out what's going on there.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:36David, have you got any life advice?
12:38I mean, we're all getting older,
12:41with the exception of you, who have...
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46..remain the same since about...
12:48It's one of the things about watching reruns of this show,
12:50you put it on and you see his face,
12:52and it could be 2006, could be 2023.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56And then the camera cuts to me and you're like,
12:58oh, no, we know exactly what they are.
13:00Look at this decaying peach in the corner here.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04If you ask me about life advice...
13:05Yeah.
13:06I'd say get up early.
13:07I get up at, er...
13:09I get up at 4am.
13:11Just the potential of the day just spreads out before...
13:14Like, I could achieve anything here.
13:16What I like to do is, I go for a wee,
13:19and then I go back to bed.
13:21LAUGHTER
13:22I sleep for an hour,
13:24because I had a few drinks after the countdown.
13:26So that's just me.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent.
13:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:33We're taking one for the team tonight,
13:35because every minute Susie Dent spends with us here
13:38is another minute when she's not curling out
13:40another one of her boring books.
13:42LAUGHTER
13:44Oh, my God.
13:45What? We have to stop this.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:49I can't be a part.
13:51No, we've got...
13:52It is, Joe. We can't let it in.
13:54It's the lack of emotion.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:58I can't do emotion.
14:00That went in the last surgery.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03Um, Susie, you love words from other languages.
14:06Have you come across any good ones recently?
14:08Er, I have to remind you of
14:09Backpfeifen Gesicht from German,
14:11which is a face worthy of a slap.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15Is that almost hurt?
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28No, it's not even going to make the edit.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:32And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
14:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:36APPLAUSE
14:38Rachel turns 40 next year, so I guess this is her last show?
14:43LAUGHTER
14:44What's the most surprising thing about working on this show?
14:49I think people actually watch it around the world.
14:51I don't know if you've found that I've been to Croatia
14:53and a chef made us a special dinner
14:55cos he watched it on YouTube.
14:56And in Russia, the video of me drawing a penis on the board
14:59cos John asked me to went viral.
15:01And we were in Vietnam and no-one recognised us the whole holiday
15:04cos it was only expats that lived in Hong Kong and Singapore,
15:06until one German tourist knew straight away
15:09that we're, what, an 80 to 10 cats
15:10and he could quote some of your jokes.
15:12I think that's amazing.
15:13Yeah.
15:14And what a lovely way to tell us you've been on a few holidays.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:23OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
15:24is this, the Countdown dartboard.
15:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:29I should say...
15:30..Fabio has been preparing for this all week,
15:34so please, everyone, Fabio.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:38Fire.
15:39Fire.
15:40Not fire.
15:41You're just...
15:42LAUGHTER
15:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:49OK, that's Countdown, everyone.
15:51APPLAUSE
15:52I'm going to play fucking Countdown now.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:57No, the Countdown's the best bit.
15:59Oh, the best, this bit?
16:00Yeah.
16:01No, you're remembering it wrong.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03OK, time for our first game.
16:06Roisin and Phil, you get to pick the letters.
16:08Could I have one consonant?
16:10Yeah, W.
16:11Super.
16:12Then a second consonant.
16:14H.
16:15Ooh!
16:16A vowel.
16:17A.
16:19No!
16:20Ooh!
16:21This is looking pretty good.
16:22And a T.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:26Um...
16:27What's that?
16:28LAUGHTER
16:29And a vowel.
16:31O.
16:32Oh, OK.
16:33And a consonant.
16:34M.
16:35What's that?
16:36Vowel.
16:37U.
16:38Oh, sort of out.
16:39Consonant.
16:40T.
16:41And another consonant, I think.
16:43Please, thank you.
16:44And a final L.
16:45OK, I'm going to put on the audio description for this clock.
16:49Countdown audio description enabled.
16:52OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
16:54A blonde comedian is thinking she might have a risky three.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59A woman with severe daddy issues attempts to solve a word puzzle.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05A super nerd dreams of one day touching a real-life boob.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10A middle-aged beefcake is half-naked.
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13No-one remembers why.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15A lady flicks through the dictionary.
17:17She's hard to read.
17:19Just like her books.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21A filthy-looking man tries to pretend he hasn't just fully shat himself.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27APPLAUSE
17:30Roisin, how many?
17:34I've got two fours.
17:35You've got two fours?
17:36Yeah.
17:37Phil, how many?
17:38I have one six.
17:40Joe, how many?
17:41Five.
17:42OK, Lou?
17:43Five.
17:44Roisin, you're four.
17:46Shot last.
17:48Can I join them together?
17:49Have they ever been near each other?
17:51Is it a word?
17:52No, you need two T's and everything else, but...
17:55LAUGHTER
17:57That is so polite.
17:58That is the most polite.
17:59You need two T's and everything else.
18:01Lou, your five?
18:03Yes.
18:04Halls.
18:05Joe, your five?
18:06Whams.
18:07Oh, that's a lovely one.
18:08That's in, I whammed against the wall.
18:10Yes.
18:11To strike something forcefully.
18:12Like a wall.
18:13Oh!
18:14Yeah.
18:15That's a word.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17I've got three left.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:19Phil, for the win, your six.
18:21Phil, come on.
18:22Oh, my six is mouths.
18:24Six points to Phil and Roisin.
18:26What a round.
18:27Well done, well done.
18:28Um, David, Susie, could they have done any better?
18:32Uh, Susie couldn't find anything, but I got a few good ones.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36We got two sevens.
18:37Outlaws.
18:38Ooh!
18:39And Washout.
18:40Beautiful.
18:41So, at the end of that, Roisin and Phil are in the lead with six points.
18:44APPLAUSE
18:45Time for our first numbers round.
18:46Joe, Lou, you get to pick the numbers.
18:47Um, what...
18:48Well, you pick them.
18:49Yes.
18:50Yeah, no, you do it, yeah.
18:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:52Um...
18:53Can I just ask one thing?
18:54No, you can't look at it.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57Pick some numbers.
18:58You're an absolute non-star.
18:59If I were to do that to you, I'd be out of here.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03LAUGHTER
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05LAUGHTER
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07Pick some numbers.
19:08You're an absolute non-star.
19:10If I were to do that to you, I'd be out of here.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:14Just pick the numbers, please.
19:16A little number.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18Do you want an L for Lou?
19:19A little one, yeah, a little one.
19:20Yeah.
19:21I think that's a safe choice.
19:22Oh, no.
19:23One large, five little.
19:24Yeah, yeah.
19:25What have you done?
19:26They are...
19:27One, four, six, ten, five, and 100.
19:31Your favourite, Joe.
19:32The target, 283.
19:33OK, and your time starts now.
19:35Well, I do know six times for us, don't you?
19:38LAUGHTER
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40OK, so the target was 283.
19:41OK, so the target was 283.
19:42Phil.
19:43I got the same as Phil.
19:44You got the same as Phil.
19:45You got the same as Phil.
19:46OK, so the target was 283.
19:47I got the same as Phil.
19:48You got the same as Phil?
19:49LAUGHTER
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51OK, so the target was 283.
19:52Phil.
19:53OK, so the target was 283.
20:06Phil.
20:07I got the same as Phil.
20:08You got the same as Phil?
20:09LAUGHTER
20:10I did it the same way Phil did it.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14I did it the same way Phil did it.
20:18Am I in this round? Am I in this round?
20:21I did not do it the same way as Phil.
20:23You're in this round.
20:25Oh, well, lucky I did it for fun.
20:27I did it the same as Phil.
20:28I've got two... Joe and I have only got to 284.
20:31Correct. OK.
20:33Yeah, I'm sorry.
20:34Roisin, did you get it?
20:36I'm about 1,000, Jimmy.
20:38Lou?
20:39Yeah, I'm still going.
20:41You're still on the letters, aren't you?
20:43Yeah.
20:46He's got a mural.
20:48Let's do it, though, as a team, maybe.
20:51OK, well, as a team, but focusing mainly on Phil,
20:55let's do it all together.
20:57Four minus...
20:59Four minus one...
21:01Is three.
21:03Your bit.
21:05Three multiplied by 100.
21:09300.
21:11To the side.
21:13Ten plus six is 16.
21:15Minus that is 284.
21:17And 300 minus 16 is 284.
21:20We need 284.
21:22Well, Joe.
21:24Joe was involved.
21:26Joe was involved.
21:27Joe was involved.
21:28Give him...
21:29Give him...
21:30Give him some points.
21:31Seven points to four.
21:32Ah!
21:33Ah!
21:34David O'Docherty.
21:35Ah!
21:36Have you...
21:37Have you done the maths?
21:38I've had a go, and...
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41Oh, I really hope it's wrong.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44Ten minus six.
21:46The hundred, subtract the four.
21:49Ninety-six.
21:50Four minus one is three.
21:51Yeah.
21:52Multiply that by three.
21:53288.
21:54Minus the five.
21:55Wow!
21:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:57So, the scores at the moment.
21:58Joe and Lou are on no points.
21:59Roisin and Phil are on 13.
22:00That seems fair.
22:01And here is your teaser.
22:02The words are soft fill.
22:03The clue is...
22:04Keep your hands where I can see them.
22:05That's soft fill.
22:06Keep your hands where I can see them.
22:07See you after a break.
22:08APPLAUSE
22:09Welcome back.
22:10The answer to the teaser.
22:11The words were soft fill.
22:13The clue was...
22:14Keep your hands where I can see them.
22:16That's soft fill.
22:17Keep your hands where I can see them.
22:18See you after a break.
22:19APPLAUSE
22:20So, Roisin and Phil are in the lead.
22:44OK, they've been playing a team so far.
22:46Don't keep banging on about it.
22:48Just saying you haven't got any points so far.
22:50Do you get points for being a bit of a cutie bum?
22:52LAUGHTER
22:53Because this guy deserves half a point.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
22:59but this game is just for Joe and Roisin.
23:01What?
23:02This is a bad idea.
23:03This is the captain versus captain, only head-to-head.
23:06They're trying to make us really hate each other.
23:09It's working.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:13OK, Joe, your turn to choose.
23:16Right, coslan, val, coslan, val, coslan, val, val, val.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21If you didn't hear it, it's your fault.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24E...
23:25R...
23:26I...
23:27F...
23:28This would be a really good time for me to win.
23:29E...
23:30E...
23:31It would be a good time for you to win,
23:32but you'd have to be good at this game, so...
23:33R...
23:34L...
23:35OK, right, your time starts now.
23:37All right, OK.
23:39All right, OK.
23:42You might...
23:44And we're going...
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48What?
23:49곳...
23:50E...
23:51L...
23:52L...
23:53L...
23:54E...
23:55An...
23:56L...
23:57L...
23:58L...
23:59L...
24:00L...
24:01L...
24:02L...
24:03L...
24:05L...
24:06L...
24:07L...
24:08L...
24:09I've made it too big.
24:14I made a croissant, but...
24:16I've got the measurements wrong.
24:19It probably means all the other ones came out too big as well.
24:25Can you bring in the pastries for everyone?
24:26Phil, I made your pan-o-raisin.
24:28Wow!
24:29Are they real?
24:30Of course they're real.
24:33Hang on, can you hold up yours, Lou?
24:34What have you got? You've got a Danish?
24:35Who did I offend?
24:37You've got one, haven't you?
24:39No, who hates me?
24:41Wait a second, no.
24:46Here you go, Rachel.
24:49Oh, no, actually, no, that's a good point,
24:51because, Lou, you're vegan, aren't you?
24:53Yeah.
24:53So I made you a vegan one.
24:56There you go.
24:59Rachel, I got you, because you're vegan as well,
25:01I got you a picture of a croissant and a piece of broccoli.
25:06I don't know how they've done this.
25:07This is an exact replica of my anus.
25:10I don't know how they...
25:11Because you know how each one's like a thumbprint.
25:14They're all unique.
25:14This is mine through and through.
25:17They've even got the raisins.
25:20Do, do, you've got a...
25:21I mean, you're tucking into that, aren't you?
25:23Is there a prize for the first to finish?
25:26I'm trying to get at the chocolate,
25:28but I once saw this on a veterinary programme.
25:38I like that Phil's just holding his bum up the whole time.
25:42Sorry, old habits.
25:45Did you find the chocolate?
25:47Yeah, there is some.
25:48There's some chocolate in there.
25:49Chuck me a bit, though, the chocolate.
25:51He's worked out a way to transport it to me.
25:54Coming right up.
25:57APPLAUSE
25:58Thank you, David.
26:02Send it...
26:03Send it over, Phil.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Joe, what have you got?
26:09I forgot we were even fucking playing this.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11I've got an eight.
26:13What?
26:13I've got an eight.
26:15That's a belter.
26:16I've got eight.
26:16You've both got eight.
26:17Say it at the same time.
26:18One, two, three.
26:20FINGER UP!
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21APPLAUSE
26:22What a show!
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29I hate to be this guy.
26:34Don't be him.
26:35But we answer to the great book here.
26:38The great book.
26:38Yeah.
26:39And Susie, break the bad news.
26:41Yeah, it's fingering, not fingerer.
26:43Wait, wait, wait, wait.
26:45Susie.
26:46Who is the person?
26:47The fingering, I understand.
26:47The fingering is the act.
26:48It's the process, I know.
26:49Fingering is the doer of the act.
26:52What about if you said...
26:53Who's the perpetrator?
26:54No, no, no.
26:54I'm the greatest...
26:56I'm the greatest fingerer in town.
26:58I know, I'm on your side.
27:00Are you on my side?
27:01In the dictionary.
27:02Well, mine might be in, because I went a bit French.
27:05Yes.
27:05And I put le finger.
27:07Oh.
27:07LAUGHTER
27:08If that's in there, I'm going to smash this room up.
27:13Oh, someone's not going to get le fingered.
27:15LAUGHTER
27:16We, uh, yeah, we bring bad news.
27:20I mean, this is why it's so tantalising, though.
27:23Lingerer is in the book.
27:25No!
27:25LAUGHTER
27:25OK, at the end of that, Joe and Lou have no points.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30Time now for Phil and Lou to go head-to-head.
27:36Phil, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:37Could I have the two biggies and the rest smallies?
27:40You can.
27:41Two biggies, four littleies.
27:42Must be a bit of an advantage, knowing how this game works.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46You've got four, eight, three, two...
27:4975 and 25.
27:51You can add the 25 and the 7.
27:53And the target, 336.
27:55OK, your time starts now.
27:56OK, I'm not going to help Lou, I'm going to help Phil,
27:58and you're not going to, like...
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01No, no, they're cheating.
28:03This is so comfortable.
28:04Even with help.
28:05Jimmy!
28:06There's got to be some rules.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:09Right, I'm getting somewhere here.
28:21Don't worry, Phil, I'm coming to the rest.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28336.
28:29Phil, did you get it?
28:31I think I got it.
28:32Lou, did you get it?
28:33Um, well, I got something very close.
28:35So, you take your 75.
28:37Yep.
28:38You times that by four.
28:39I love the way you never wait to be asked.
28:41Then you get your 25.
28:42Yep.
28:43You pop that on the top.
28:44Yep.
28:45Then you get...
28:46You get your eight.
28:47Yes.
28:48And you pop that on the top.
28:49Yes.
28:50And then...
28:51I don't agree!
28:52Three!
28:53Yay!
28:54Yay!
28:55APPLAUSE
28:56Phil, did you do it the same way, using Joe?
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02I've got the same.
29:03OK, ten points to both teams.
29:05APPLAUSE
29:06Time now to cross over to Dictionary Corner.
29:09David Oduckety, what do you have for us?
29:11What I have is the party machine.
29:14I look...
29:15I look phenomenal, thank you.
29:17It's, uh...
29:18Superfoods.
29:19That's what I put it down to.
29:21I just eat...
29:22You know the superfoods?
29:23You've got spinach and the red Pringles.
29:26LAUGHTER
29:28I'm on a health kick at the moment, but, uh...
29:32I'm actually starting, not with the body, but with the mind.
29:35And I took one of the big steps recently.
29:37I did it so you never have to.
29:39It was horrific.
29:40I went for a shit without my phone.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:45From the moment you enter the tiny room,
29:48solitude echoes off the tiles.
29:50You sit down.
29:51You don't even remember.
29:52What do I do with my arms?
29:53It's been so long.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:59And then you know what happens then?
30:00Ports.
30:01No!
30:02I thought I said goodbye to you monsters in 2009.
30:06Things I should have said.
30:08Things I shouldn't have said.
30:09We never should have broken up.
30:10You should have had a child by now.
30:12Jesus, I need some...
30:13I need some pointless information to block out these feelings.
30:16What is there?
30:17Shampoo!
30:18And then you start furiously reading the shampoo.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:21Ah!
30:22Keratonin 372.
30:23The secret to shine and bounce.
30:25Merci beaucoup Le Bar Trois Garnier.
30:28LAUGHTER
30:29Oh, my God.
30:30What do you normally do when you're sitting here?
30:32Do a game.
30:33You can't do a game.
30:34Make up a game.
30:35OK, guess how many toothbrushes there are.
30:37There's one.
30:38Correct!
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40Do a wordle.
30:41You can't do a wordle.
30:43Make up a wordle.
30:44Eh...
30:45Towel.
30:46Does it have a T in it?
30:47Yes.
30:48Is it towel?
30:49Got it in one.
30:50Splendid!
30:51Oh, my God.
30:52How long have I been here?
30:53Is it an hour?
30:54Is it a month?
30:55I've lost all track of time.
30:56Maybe the neighbours can hear.
30:57Help!
30:58Can you check?
30:59Has anything happened?
31:00Is there any celebrity news?
31:01Is there any transfer speculation?
31:02I'm trapped in my own Alcatraz.
31:03There's nowhere to run.
31:04I'm waiting for poo to come out of my bum.
31:06It's an awful ending to your horrible song.
31:10The scores at the moment.
31:11Joe and Lou are on ten points.
31:12Bill and Roisin are on 23.
31:13Of course.
31:14APPLAUSE
31:15And here is your teaser.
31:16The words are a low titty.
31:17The clue is it's everything to me.
31:18That's a low titty.
31:19It's everything to me.
31:20That's a low titty.
31:21It's everything to me.
31:22It's everything to me.
31:23What's happening?
31:24What's happening?
31:25What's happening?
31:26What's happening?
31:27What's happening?
31:28What's happening?
31:29What's happening?
31:30A low titty.
31:31It's everything to me.
31:32See you after the break.
31:33APPLAUSE
31:50Welcome back.
31:51The answer to the teaser.
31:52The words were a low titty.
31:53The clue was it's everything to me.
31:55It was, of course, totality.
31:57OK.
31:58Time for a quick bonus round.
32:00Now, some of the guests on this show can barely read and write.
32:03So, time to improve their spelling.
32:05Everyone, come and join me in the middle.
32:06We're going to have the Countdown Spelling Bee.
32:09Oh.
32:10Yeah, sometimes the clock goes off by mistake.
32:19All right.
32:20Don't get into the world.
32:21That was my fault.
32:22I pressed the button to see what it did.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:26LAUGHTER
32:27OK.
32:28This is the Countdown Spelling Bee in the break.
32:30Joe and Roisin were fitted with electric shock pads.
32:34I'm going to give Lou and Phil a series of words to spell.
32:37Every time they make a mistake, their teammate will get an electric shock,
32:41the equivalent to a bee sting.
32:43Roisin, we're going to test yours?
32:44Oh, you're definitely going to...
32:45LAUGHTER
32:46LAUGHTER
32:51Fuck!
32:52LAUGHTER
32:53No.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:55That was much harder than last time.
32:57Well, that is the first time a woman has said that to you.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00Well, let's get started.
33:01Lou, you're up first.
33:02You're going to spell in, right?
33:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:04Of course you are.
33:05OK.
33:06OK, your word is there.
33:07What do you mean there?
33:08What do you mean there?
33:09T-H-E-R-E!
33:10T-H...
33:11Yeah, but...
33:12LAUGHTER
33:13T-H...
33:14That's for helping, OK, so there.
33:15Spelled there.
33:16Well, which guy there?
33:17T-H...
33:18Don't be there.
33:19E-R-E.
33:20What was the wrong one?
33:21LAUGHTER
33:23It was the wrong one, I'm afraid.
33:25Sorry about that.
33:26It was T-H-E-I-R, and actually, I hate it when people get that wrong.
33:30LAUGHTER
33:31OK.
33:32All right, Phil.
33:33Easy one for you.
33:34You got this, Phil.
33:35OK.
33:36Your word is flower.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:40You can do this.
33:41I'm so sorry, Roshin.
33:43I'm going to be stoic.
33:44F...
33:45L...
33:46O...
33:47U...
33:48R.
33:49I'm afraid...
33:50LAUGHTER
33:51F-A-L-O-W-E-R.
33:53It's on a really meaty bit of hip.
33:55LAUGHTER
33:56OK.
33:57I'm really going to ship one.
33:58OK.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:00OK, Lou, your next word?
34:02Yeah.
34:03Your word is perineum.
34:05P-E-R.
34:06I...
34:07P-E-R.
34:08I...
34:09P-E-R.
34:10N...
34:11I...
34:12No!
34:13LAUGHTER
34:14Oh, did anyone see the Sasquatch?
34:17LAUGHTER
34:18You bastard.
34:19That was all the way across.
34:21I can tell you, perineum is P-E-R.
34:23Yeah.
34:24I-N-E-U-M.
34:26Oh.
34:27OK, all right, next one for Phil.
34:28Your word is coccyx.
34:29I'll use it in a sentence.
34:31It's 9am and Bonnie Blue is up to coccyx.
34:38Oh, God.
34:39Oh, God.
34:40Coccyx.
34:41C-O.
34:42Oh, I'm sorry.
34:43X.
34:44I-X.
34:45Oh!
34:46Ah!
34:47Why is my one making me frown?
34:50LAUGHTER
34:51I'm sorry.
34:52I'm sorry.
34:53Ah!
34:54LAUGHTER
34:55LAUGHTER
34:56OK, the correct spelling of coccyx is...
35:02C-O-C...
35:03C-Y-X.
35:05All right, last one for Luke.
35:06OK, your word is phlegm.
35:08P-H-L-E-G-M.
35:13No, just...
35:14No, just...
35:15Correct.
35:16Really?
35:17Don't press it.
35:18No, that's correct.
35:19APPLAUSE
35:21OK, Phil, last one for you.
35:25OK.
35:26Your word is chlamydia.
35:28LAUGHTER
35:30I've had it so many times.
35:32C-H...
35:33What did the nurse say?
35:35C-H-L-A-M-Y-D-I-A.
35:41Correct.
35:42APPLAUSE
35:47OK, all right, so I'm going to give you one more word as a tie-break.
35:50Let's look at each other if we're going to go through this.
35:52All right.
35:53Hang on.
35:54OK, all right.
35:55OK, you ready?
35:56All right, you get one letter each, and the first one to get it wrong,
35:59they don't get the five points.
36:00OK, the word is oesophagus.
36:03Oh, fuck.
36:04Can I start?
36:05Yes, you start.
36:06O.
36:07God damn you, Luke.
36:09E.
36:10S.
36:11O.
36:12I'm sweating.
36:13P.
36:14Yep.
36:15H.
36:16O.
36:17That's incorrect.
36:18O.
36:19O.
36:20O.
36:21O.
36:22O.
36:24O.
36:25O.
36:26O.
36:27O.
36:28O.
36:29O.
36:30O.
36:31O.
36:32O.
36:33O.
36:34O.
36:35O.
36:36O.
36:37O.
36:38O.
36:39O.
36:40O.
36:41O.
36:42O.
36:43O.
36:44O.
36:45O.
36:46O.
36:47O.
36:48O.
36:49O.
36:50O.
36:51O.
36:52O.
36:53O.
36:54O.
36:55O.
36:56O.
36:57O.
36:58O.
36:59O.
37:00O.
37:01O.
37:02O.
37:03O.
37:04O.
37:05O.
37:06O.
37:07O.
37:08O.
37:09O.
37:10O.
37:11O.
37:12Vowel, vowel.
37:13A.
37:15O. Consonant.
37:16N. Nice!
37:18Vowel.
37:20A. Vowel.
37:22U. Consonant.
37:24S.
37:25Can you finish off with consonants, please?
37:27And L and T.
37:30OK, and your time starts now.
37:33MUSIC PLAYS
38:02Oh, so Roisin how many letters I've got eight one two three four five eight
38:09Yeah, well the shock therapy work
38:13Joe how many I went the other way three
38:18Phil how many six Lou how many I've got five Joe your three sat
38:25Okay, Lou you're fine a stalk Phil. What have you got? I've got koalas
38:35Okay, Roisin for the win an eight-letter word. It's never been done before by you anus slack
38:44Six points to film
38:51David Susie could they have done better? Yeah, I got talukas
38:55For seven yeah, Jimmy knows all about this one because it's an administrative district set aside for tax purposes
39:08All right time once again to go to Dictionary Corner David what have you got for us Jimmy sometimes I feel we forget that this show is primarily
39:16educational and
39:18With that in mind I'd like to bring some history a little history lesson right now
39:23Now history of the place I come from Greenland the sorry the Greenland that is Ireland
39:31Susie can you make it sound like Ireland?
39:39Ireland
39:41Named after the footballer Stephen Ireland
39:43who used to play for Manchester City Ireland used to get invaded a lot it's quite small and we're quite friendly initially and
39:50My favorite invasion is definitely the Vikings just because they came and they wrecked the place and they're so unlike any Danes or Swedes or
39:59Norwegians I've ever met Monday they must have just woken up and gone hey, you know
40:03Well, let's not rape and pillage anymore. Let's invent Lego a
40:09Lot of incredible people come from Ireland and yeah me
40:15St. Patrick we're the big three
40:18We love St. Patrick SP
40:21He got rid of all the snakes, you know, there's no snakes in Ireland. It's only when I'm over here and you know, you're constantly worried about snakes
40:27Probably a lot of people watching this the snakes tried to go up the leg of your trousers during you don't have to worry about that in Ireland
40:34You know when you're in London and every morning you have to shake out your boots and they all scuffle under the door
40:39Sorry, May
40:43Thanks to St. Patrick and thanks to Ireland
40:47And here is your final teaser the words are nerd tush and the clue is I hear it rumbling that's nerd tush I hear it rumbling see you after the break
41:17Welcome back the answer for the teaser the words were nerd tush the clue was I hear it rumbling it was of course thunders
41:23Okay, time for our final letters game Joe and Lou your turn to choose
41:27Consonant please
41:30Super and another one please
41:35And a vowel please
41:38Consonant please
41:43Consonant please
41:45T a constant please
41:47D a vowel please
41:49E
41:51Consonant please
41:53C
41:55Do you know what who cares? One more
41:57I
41:59Okay, you worry. Okay, your time starts
42:01Now
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