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00:30Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Bob Mortimer, Richard Ayawaddy, Tom Allen, Harriet Dyer, Ian Smith, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Lee Kahn.
00:56Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
01:00A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:02OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:04First up, we have team captain Bob Mortimer.
01:06Hello.
01:07APPLAUSE
01:08Very sportsman-like.
01:11What's nice to see, there is not enough of it these days.
01:14Very sportsman-like, yeah.
01:16This looks like a before and after in the least successful hair transplant.
01:19Bob used to be a lawyer but took a 12-week break from his legal job to film Vic Reeves' Big Night Out and He's Never Looked Back.
01:28It's a lovely showbiz story.
01:30But not for one of Bob's clients who spent the last 28 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:35And joining Bob tonight is Tom Allen.
01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40Nice to see you.
01:42APPLAUSE
01:43Tom is a world-class stand-up comedian but he actually started out as a male model, which is why you might recognise him from the logo of Gents Toilets.
01:52LAUGHTER
01:53I put my number there as well.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58You know what, when you go into a public toilet and you see somebody's, like, written a number or even, like, graffiti, who goes into a toilet with a pen?
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08I've never thought, I'm just going to nip into the loo. Has anyone got a Sharpie?
02:12LAUGHTER
02:13I always take a Hoover.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16In case there's no-one there.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:20Or too many people.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:24OK, um...
02:26I lost my shoe down one at the services, Clacket Lane.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:29Do you remember what you did?
02:30At Clacket Lane. I was trying to clean it in the bowl.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34So I didn't lose it, I did retrieve it, but it went into...
02:39..below water level. I think that's the test.
02:42How dirty would your shoe have to be to think, I'd better put this in a service station toilet?
02:46I think the pertinent question, Jimmy, is how big was the dog?
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51You know what I mean?
02:52You should have brought a Hoover with her.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:55Now who feels the fool?
02:57Up against them this evening, it's team captain Richard Ayoade.
03:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:06Richard Ayoade, he's got all the social confidence of a supply teacher
03:09leaving double geography in tears because he's wet himself.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:14And Richard's teammate, Harriet Dyer.
03:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:18Great to have you here.
03:20APPLAUSE
03:22Harriet is bipolar, which, correct me if I'm wrong,
03:24means she's attracted to both boy and girl polar bears.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:29Bob, do you think you're going to be a good team captain?
03:31Yeah, well, no, I think I'll be adequate.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35I'll be better than Richard, he's too uptight.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:38Tom, do you prefer carrot or stick?
03:40I don't mind either.
03:42In fact, I'll be the first one to try it both at the same time.
03:45OK.
03:46So I'll shout at you whilst feeding you, for example.
03:50You wouldn't be the first one.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Bob, what do you fear?
03:55Fear?
03:56Bear?
03:57Entering bathroom.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00Toothpaste's no good.
04:02Against them, is it?
04:03Or toweling.
04:04Trousers igniting at parents' evening.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10That kind of thing.
04:11Hey, I can only be honest.
04:13OK, um, Tom, keep us...
04:15Keep us up to date with your love life.
04:17I know nothing at the moment.
04:18What's... What's happening?
04:19Oh, Jimmy, you had your chance.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:24And took it.
04:29Um, I'm in a relationship now.
04:31Got a... got a boyfriend.
04:33CHEERING
04:35Oh, you wouldn't cheer if you'd seen us do it.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:43We're actually trying for a puppy at the moment.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:47Harriet, it's your first time on the show.
04:48Great to have you here.
04:49Tell us a little bit about yourself.
04:50Oh, well, I... I do lots of driving, er, for...
04:54Well, for comedy.
04:55Well, I just like driving around, really, as well.
04:57But, er...
04:58What I like to do is I treat myself
05:00when I'm doing a long journey,
05:02and if someone's coming towards me,
05:05I'll just look at them and go...
05:07LAUGHTER
05:09And, er...
05:10But, er...
05:11Well, two things about that.
05:12Number one, I didn't think that they could see you.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15And...
05:16Number two, it's not offensive, is it?
05:19And this one person was very offended,
05:21and then they found the nearest roundabout
05:23and then turned round and then were chasing me
05:25with the...
05:26with the lights going...
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30And then, first of all, I was like,
05:31well, they can't be doing that at me.
05:33And then, after an hour, I was like, they are.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37So, I...
05:38I pulled over, and then they pulled over,
05:40got out of the car and then knocked on my window,
05:43and then...
05:44And then I thought,
05:45just make them think that that's your face.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50Yeah.
05:51So, I went, oh, well, what seems to be the problem...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56If in doubt, always out-crazy them, as well.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00That's what I've learnt.
06:01Excellent advice for life.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Richard, what have you been up to lately?
06:05I... I have a small complaint, which is that, erm...
06:09I hurt my finger, er, recently.
06:12I snapped the, er, flexor tendon.
06:14The point is, is that this has to be kept, still,
06:18for, er, eight weeks.
06:20I asked the art department here to, er, make a finger to cover it,
06:23cos I didn't want it to be unsightly.
06:25It's, erm...
06:26It's very grimy.
06:27And I asked them to make a finger,
06:29and, look.
06:30Not...
06:31Not only...
06:32LAUGHTER
06:35It's too long.
06:37Well...
06:38It doesn't even cover the full extent of the wounds.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42So, what am I meant to do with this, Ginny?
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45What do you call...
06:46What do you call it, a digital injury?
06:48You could, yes.
06:49Cos I got very confused once when I was told I was going to be given a digital examination.
06:53Yes.
06:54And I thought it'd be like a scan or something.
06:56It wasn't.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59It wasn't even a doctor.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03It's me.
07:04It was...
07:05Now, do you have a mascot today?
07:07I do, yes.
07:08Well, the other thing I've been doing is, erm...
07:10I'm still an ambassador for Harold Hughes, the great mid-century writer.
07:14And, erm...
07:15I...
07:16I had a portrait commissioned of him.
07:17So, who's this?
07:18This is Harold Hughes.
07:20I do look quite like him.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:24But, erm...
07:25He's a great writer.
07:26And this is the 19th anniversary of his death, so what better way to celebrate him?
07:31And I thought I could, erm...
07:32Maybe read some of his work.
07:33Well, that'd be lovely, yeah.
07:34Thanks.
07:35If you could read it out loud, that'd be great.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38OK, I'll have to adjust what I was going to do, then.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:43Cos that's like...
07:44OK.
07:45I think you're just reading...
07:46No, I'm doing what I was going to do, yeah.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50OK, I'll try and do his voice.
07:52His voice was less nasal than mine.
07:54Everyone's voice is less nasal than yours.
07:57How dare you.
07:58I've met Warwick Davis.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:02In fact, I wonder whether we may have a voice match here.
08:06In terms of nasalness, I think we're not far off.
08:10Richard, that means so much.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14Can you do an impression of Tom?
08:17I think I sort of am.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20APPLAUSE
08:22Yeah, I mean...
08:26This is a poem that Harold wrote called Bundle.
08:30Bundle.
08:33The boy turned and saw them in the air.
08:36Faces stretched with an expanse of joy.
08:39No reason, or perhaps he forgot his offence.
08:43Never mind.
08:45He was underneath them now.
08:47With wind knocked out and tears down his nose.
08:51How long has it been since they cleaned this carpet?
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58That's Bundle.
08:59Harold Hughes, everyone.
09:03Beautiful.
09:04Beautiful.
09:05Tom, have you got a mascot?
09:06Yes.
09:07I'm a driver, but I'm not a very confident driver.
09:11And I thought, wouldn't it be lovely if you could have a way of communicating with fellow drivers on the road?
09:18Sometimes I'm quite nervous.
09:19I'll make a mistake.
09:20And then people do shout things out of windows at me.
09:23Sometimes they begin with F.
09:26And so I thought it'd be nice to be able to respond.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30LAUGHTER
09:35LAUGHTER
09:36Ouch.
09:37Don't...
09:38Don't say that.
09:40It hurts my feelings.
09:42And my next one is...
09:44Sorry.
09:45Um, my bad.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48Because I do make quite a lot of mistakes, and sometimes I don't know where I'm going,
09:51or I might pull out in front of people, or I stop too abruptly.
09:54Um, so, sorry, my bad.
09:55And then you've accepted that you've made a mistake,
09:57they don't have to keep, you know, bibbing their horn, swearing at you.
10:00Bibbing.
10:01Bibbing?
10:02What would you say?
10:03Bibbing?
10:04No, I like it. Bibbing.
10:05Bibbing.
10:06What do you say?
10:07Honking?
10:08Don't be so disgusting.
10:10Uh, my next one is a favourite.
10:13Um, whoops.
10:14Soz about that.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:18APPLAUSE
10:24Is everyone in the car?
10:26OK.
10:27Nice.
10:29Um, Harriet, have you got a mascot?
10:31Oh, yes.
10:32What happened was, I...
10:33I thought of this joke, I can't even remember what it was now, ages ago,
10:37and then I needed, like, a fake slug,
10:40so I bought a slug on Amazon and then I didn't realise there was another option on there to subscribe.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48And I...
10:49I didn't know this until I was getting a slug a month.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53So I got all these slugs.
10:56Yeah.
10:57So many slugs.
10:59And then I went on the World Wide Web to try and cancel them, but I just got distracted and ended up typing in whatever happened to Wolf from the Gladiators.
11:10And then...
11:11And then more sluggers.
11:12And then more sluggers.
11:13That's why I'm here.
11:14I've been driven out my house by all the slugs.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17Anyway, this one slug in particular, although this one, is, um, actually what my dead mother has come back as.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28I've just one question.
11:30What did happen to Wolf from Gladiator?
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34You know, he used...
11:36Oh, my God!
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38Is everyone in the car OK?
11:40Is everyone OK?
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42Not in this car!
11:45He used to live in Bromley and he opened my, uh, school fate.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53From Gladiators.
11:54He won't have needed scissors, will he?
11:56LAUGHTER
11:58And, Bob, have you got a mascot?
12:01I have got a mascot, yes.
12:03Someone's going to bring it on for me very kindly.
12:05Oh, there it is.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:08Oh, OK, oh.
12:09Hey!
12:10Oh, my darling.
12:12I've started, um, a new talent agency, you know?
12:17Cats.
12:18I rent out cats for the movies, for the adverts and so on.
12:23His, um, original name was Django Untrained.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29Hey, Django.
12:31But for stage work, for film work and that, he goes by the name Eric Fuck.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:38So, this is what I sent to people.
12:41Name Django Untrained.
12:43Skills, everything what blokes can do.
12:46But he won't ride a horse.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49OK?
12:51He's a...
12:52Do you know this Napo?
12:53Napo cat.
12:54He's a Napo cat.
12:55Oh.
12:56Grandad was bag puss.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59And his mum was owned by Claire Balding.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:04Fuck you, Jimmy!
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07Tango!
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10That's it, I'll tell you what he's been in.
13:12And he really has been, you'll have seen him.
13:14He was Rusty Seduction in Cat Fingers, yeah?
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20He was Bus Pass Ron in the latest Batman.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25He was Friendly Tuffy Bloke in Wolverine.
13:29Yes.
13:30He was Aromatic Pat in Severance.
13:33Have people been watching Severance?
13:34Aromatic Pat.
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37Fucking hell!
13:38LAUGHTER
13:39He was Ken Carpitz in one of...
13:41You know one of them films that Bill Nye's in?
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44That's old films.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47He was one of them.
13:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:49He was Slippery Wolf, weren't you?
13:51In Floating Tiger, Hidden Moorhen.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:55What's that?
13:57He's got to go.
13:58Where are you going?
13:59The car wash.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:02LAUGHTER
14:04Fuck you, Jimmy.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:08Thanks, Django.
14:10APPLAUSE
14:11Django on train.
14:12Oh, he's gorgeous.
14:14Over in Dictory Corner, it's Ian Smith.
14:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:18First time on the show?
14:19Yeah, first time.
14:20Do you consider yourself like a typical northerner?
14:21Yeah, I think so.
14:22I sort of do all the stereotypes.
14:23I talk to people on public transport.
14:24Ooh.
14:25I've got a pet kestrel my dad won't let me do ballet.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27If I lose my job, I'm forced to write a musical about it.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29I spend a lot of my time trying to come up with different names for bread rolls.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33That's what we do.
14:34We've come from a very small town up north called Ghoul.
14:37But the best way to sort of describe my level of, like, northerness, the town that I come from,
14:42we've got a new vending machine.
14:44Recently.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:46That's what we do.
14:49That's what we do.
14:50We've come from a very small town up north called Ghoul.
14:53But the best way to sort of describe my level of, like, northerness, the town that I come from,
14:58we've got a new vending machine.
15:00Recently.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:03I made it into the newspaper.
15:05New vending machine in Ghoul.
15:07And that vending machine was opened by the mayor.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11But they fucked up the vending machine.
15:14They'd put everything in it the wrong way round.
15:16They'd put cans at the top.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:19They'd put cans at the top, crisps at the bottom,
15:23so if you wanted to order a can,
15:25you had to order two packets of crisps and use it as a crash map.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30LAUGHTER
15:32Yes, is the answer.
15:34I sort of got sidetracked.
15:35Yes.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:38APPLAUSE
15:40And with Ian, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:42CHEERING
15:43Susie's here.
15:44APPLAUSE
15:48Susie has announced a 25-day UK tour.
15:51But Britain made it through the Blitz and we made it through Covid
15:54and we can make it through this.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:57Is it true you love the historical dictionary?
15:59Yes, I love the historical dictionary,
16:01because it shows how words have changed over time.
16:03So take the word slut.
16:06Horrible word.
16:07But it has changed hugely.
16:09It just meant someone quite slovenly, scruffy.
16:13So, this is such a useful word.
16:15A cover slut is something that you wear over the top of something else
16:19to hide an unsightly stain.
16:21That was a cover slut.
16:22This is my cover slut.
16:23This is my cover slut.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26Yes, that's exactly it.
16:28OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
16:30APPLAUSE
16:32Brilliant physicist, excellent mathematician and intellectual giant.
16:39Unfortunately, Stephen Hawking is still dead.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43Rachel, you've got two little girls now.
16:46Yeah.
16:47How's motherhood treating you?
16:48It's very nice, thank you.
16:49Recently, I was kind of skipping ahead mentally
16:51and my five-year-old, I was saying,
16:53you know, when you're older, we can go to the spa together,
16:55we can have a massage, we can drink champagne, it'll be lovely.
16:58And she said...
16:59She said, no, Mummy, don't you mean children's champagne?
17:01So I had to explain that when she was older,
17:03she'd be able to drink real champagne.
17:05And she said, won't you be dead then?
17:07LAUGHTER
17:10Oh, yeah, but don't be sad.
17:12We'll find someone else to do the maths on this.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
17:19the Countdown Karate Kit.
17:21You're the best of the world
17:24Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
17:26You're the best of the world
17:29Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
17:37OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
17:39Time for the first game.
17:40Richard, Harriet, you get the first pick of the letters.
17:42I'm gonna ask my mum which ones...
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46Can I have...
17:48Are you gonna smoke your mum?
17:50LAUGHTER
17:52Can I have three vowels?
17:55Yep, I...
17:56I...
17:57E...
17:58U...
17:59How many are there altogether...
18:00Oh, do I write it down?
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03Shall I chuck some consonants up?
18:04Shall I chuck some consonants up?
18:05Yes, please...
18:06Oh, my mum's stuck.
18:08LAUGHTER
18:10Three consonants, please.
18:12S...
18:13H...
18:14M...
18:15How many more is there?
18:16Three.
18:17What do you think?
18:18Yeah, I agree, there are three left.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:21And then another vowel.
18:26Yeah.
18:27Good choice.
18:28And then two...
18:29Two consonants.
18:30Perfect.
18:32C and S.
18:34While you do that, I'm gonna break in my new shoes.
18:38OK.
18:39Oh, yeah, these need a bit of...
18:42OK.
18:43Your time starts...
18:45Now.
19:13APPLAUSE
19:26Richard, how many?
19:28Six.
19:29Six.
19:30Harriet, how many?
19:31Six.
19:32Bob, how many?
19:33Five.
19:34Tom?
19:35Four.
19:36OK, what is your four-letter word?
19:38Mice.
19:39Mice.
19:41Mice, is it?
19:42Yeah, I was gonna put Mice's, but I realise it's only in The Muppet Christmas Carol that they...
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Uh, Bob, what's your five?
19:48Music.
19:49Harriet, your six?
19:50Chimes.
19:51Yep.
19:52Oh, that's a good one.
19:53Very nice.
19:54Very nice.
19:55Richard?
19:56Well, it's a very on-brand word for me, but it's a risk.
19:59Homey's.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:03Well, six points to Harriet and Richard.
20:05Ian, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:07Yeah, there's quite a few sevens.
20:09Um, one of them...
20:11Hocus's.
20:12Hocus's.
20:13Hocus's.
20:14And hocus's means...?
20:15It means to deceive, to trick.
20:17Um, we also have miscues.
20:19And schmoes, as in stupid people.
20:21So, at the end of that, Richard and Harriet are in the lead with six points.
20:24APPLAUSE
20:28On to our first numbers round.
20:29OK, uh, Bob, Tom, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:31Do you want me to do it?
20:32Do you want me to do it?
20:33Yeah, please.
20:34OK, um, can I have a large one, please?
20:36Yes.
20:37And, uh, three small ones, please.
20:39That's it?
20:40There's six.
20:41Oh, six.
20:42You've got four.
20:43A middle one and a little one, please.
20:45OK, four little, two big.
20:46Here we go.
20:47Fine.
20:48You've got one, six, ten, three, one hundred and twenty-five.
20:53And you need to make four hundred and seventy-five.
20:57Well, they may do it.
20:58OK, your time starts now.
21:00Let's see.
21:16All right, guys.
21:18So the target was four seven five. Harriet, did you get it?
21:34I didn't get it. Oh, Bob, you didn't get it. I didn't get it. Richard, how close did you get?
21:42466. Richard, for five points, how did you get it? 100. Yes. 25. Why not? Minus ten. Sure. Do we have a problem here? No, no, no. Keep going. 115. OK. Times by one plus three. Times by four, basically. One plus three. I'm showing my working. 460 plus a six. I'm new to math.
22:12I don't think you're even trying. I'm going to be honest. I feel like, you know, this is where the teacher gives them all the bollocking. Who in the audience has got this one?
22:20All of them. All of them. Oh, who in the audience directed the excellent film Submarine?
22:28None of you. He's busy. No, I know how to do it. I know how to miss. I know how to do it.
22:36One plus three times a hundred is four. Plus three times twenty-five is four. You've already used your three, Richard. You used your three. That's why I couldn't do it, miss.
22:47So that's five points to Richard. Rachel, could it be done? Yes. Six minus one is five. Five times one hundred is, anybody know? Five hundred. Yeah. And then take the twenty-five away.
22:59APPLAUSE
23:02If you're watching at home and screaming at the TV, our contestants have been under a lot of pressure just recently.
23:08We put so much energy into the mascot round that, really, we should have, like, a relax and a juice before we have to do this.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17OK, so, um...
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20Bob and Tom have no points.
23:22And Richard and Harriet have eleven.
23:24APPLAUSE
23:27And here is your teaser. The words are Rinse Bob. The clue is Don't Look Down.
23:31That's Rinse Bob. Don't Look Down.
23:33See you after the break.
23:34APPLAUSE
23:37Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were Rinse Bob. The clue was Don't Look Down. It was, of course, Snobbier.
23:55So, Richard and Harriet are in the lead. Time for another letters game. Bob, your turn to choose.
24:00Can I have three vowels, please? Yeah. E, A and O.
24:06Four consonants, please.
24:08N, T, S, L.
24:11And two vowels, thanks. E and I.
24:14While you crack on with that, I might just bid on a sports car.
24:20Your time starts now.
24:25Right.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:52LAUGHTER
24:55APPLAUSE
25:10Harriet, how many?
25:11Is this real?
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13He's smaller than I thought he would be.
25:16Six?
25:17Richard, how many?
25:20I'm going to say five.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:24How many? Five.
25:26Jimmy, this car... Hang on, hang on.
25:28No, go on, back it up.
25:32This car actually humanises you.
25:38I actually thought it was an M and not an N,
25:41so I'll go with neat. How many?
25:44Four.
25:46Bob, what was your five? Mine is slant.
25:49Hang on, let's check if that's in there.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:55I'll go the long way.
25:57LAUGHTER
26:05Is that in there?
26:07Is that in there?
26:09Slant. It's in there, it's in the ditch.
26:11OK. Richard, your five?
26:13Slate. Yes.
26:15Slate? I think I got six.
26:17What was your six? Stolen.
26:19Yes, very good. Stolen?
26:21Yeah.
26:24Fantastic.
26:25Could they have done any better?
26:27Er, yes.
26:28We did get an eight.
26:29Toenails.
26:30Toenails.
26:31Ooh.
26:32That's great.
26:34APPLAUSE
26:35I'm going to return this.
26:37APPLAUSE
26:38OK, you've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Bob and Richard.
26:53Oh, come on.
26:54Richard, your turn to pick the numbers.
26:56Could you pick the six easiest numbers?
26:58I'll go with one large.
26:59OK.
27:00And five little.
27:01OK.
27:02And they are four, ten.
27:03These are the little ones.
27:04These are the little ones.
27:05OK.
27:06Three, eight, two.
27:07Prepare for the large one.
27:0875.
27:09Oh, fuck.
27:10Stop it.
27:11I mean, this is...
27:13Oh, stop it.
27:14That's right.
27:15Keep it there.
27:17Oh, that's right.
27:18Keep it there.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:21And your time starts now.
27:24You've got it.
27:29I've got it.
27:30Oh.
27:31Too early.
27:45APPLAUSE
27:48Bob, did you get it?
28:01I think I did, yeah.
28:02Richard, did you get it?
28:03Possibly.
28:04Bob, how did you do it?
28:05I've got 75 times ten minus two.
28:07Yeah.
28:08APPLAUSE
28:10Richard, did you do it the same way?
28:16Eight divided by four.
28:18And then it was very similar to Bob's method thereafter.
28:21Lovely.
28:22Ten points to both teams.
28:23APPLAUSE
28:27Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
28:29Ian, what have you got for us?
28:30Well, the last time I was on the radio, I got a lot of abuse
28:34because of the way I say the letter H.
28:37Tom doesn't look happy with that.
28:40Apparently it's H and I'm saying H.
28:43It's a tiny fucking difference that a lot of people are bothered about.
28:47I got a lot of abuse.
28:49The one that upset me the most, I got a post from a woman called Margaret.
28:54She put,
28:55I was enjoying listening to Radio 4 until Ian Smith came on.
29:00Someone needs to teach that boy how to speak properly.
29:03It's A-I-T-C-H, not H-A-I-T-C-H.
29:06LAUGHTER
29:07Has anyone here ever had to have a letter spelt to you before?
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12A letter.
29:13Margaret has spelt H to me with five letters
29:17and one of them is the letter she's spelling to me.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21She's lost her head here, Margaret.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25The thing that upset me most about this post,
29:28she hadn't written anything online in five years.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:33Her last post was,
29:35beautiful weather outside.
29:37First goldfinch of the season on the bird feeder.
29:40Bliss.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:43Then she's put her laptop screen down,
29:45she's lived in that blissful life.
29:47Nothing's bothered her in five years.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:50And not just five years, by the way.
29:51Anyone here remember the last five years?
29:54LAUGHTER
29:56The shittiest five years of our lives.
29:58LAUGHTER
29:59I said H on the radio.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:03And she's gone,
30:04For fuck's sake!
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07She's like, where's my laptop?
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10When I was doing this,
30:11I thought I'll have a look on Twitter
30:12to see if anyone else is complaining
30:14about people saying H and H.
30:16HMRC was involved in a tweet,
30:18said,
30:19HMRC said its name can be pronounced
30:21with either an H or H
30:23because it respects diversity
30:25and different accents.
30:26LAUGHTER
30:27And I know what you're thinking,
30:28I bet all the responses to that
30:30were really reasonable.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32Oh, fuck right off, wokey-dokies!
30:36LAUGHTER
30:38Do you pronounce W as Wubbly-U, then?
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42But this is my way of just letting people know
30:44I got a voice-over job recently for HMRC
30:46and it's not gone well.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:50Ian Smith, everyone.
30:51APPLAUSE
30:52Excellent.
30:53And here is your teaser.
30:54The words are boob-leek,
30:56the clue is Tom Allen, for example.
30:58That's boob-leek, Tom Allen, for example.
31:00See you after the break.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:17Welcome back.
31:18The answer to the teaser,
31:19the words were boob-leek,
31:20the clue was Tom Allen, for example.
31:22It was, of course, bookable.
31:24LAUGHTER
31:25OK, before we get on with the game,
31:26time for a quick bonus round.
31:27Now, we've got some excellent comedy actors here tonight.
31:30So it's time for...
31:32..the Countdown Acting Challenge.
31:34BUZZER
31:36THEY'RE NOT IN IT.
31:41OK, for the Acting Challenge, I'm going to give each team
31:45a famous movie scene to perform.
31:47The best actors will win five bonus points for their team.
31:50Richard, you have starred in the critically acclaimed IT crowd,
31:53Lego Movie, a Star Wars spin-off, Paddington 2, and, of course, Rugrats.
31:59LAUGHTER
32:00Thank you very much.
32:01How would you describe your acting style?
32:03Thank you very much.
32:04Unvaried.
32:05LAUGHTER
32:06Harry, have you got any acting experience?
32:08Er, I don't think so.
32:09Well, I did a degree in it, but I...
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14I was...
32:15I was awful at it.
32:16Tom Allen, talk us through your acting style,
32:18because the shaved head, the bit of stubble,
32:20you are kind of a Jason Statham in the wings, right?
32:23That's right.
32:24Butch, I think I got for a lot of butch roles,
32:27prison dramas, that sort of thing.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:30Bob, are you a good actor?
32:31I'm terrible.
32:32The worst.
32:33I'm irate if I do all right and I'll an accent make.
32:36You know what?
32:38Let's go on, manjaros.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:41Richard, Harry, you're going to go first.
32:43Now, I've got you a scene from the iconic Lord of the Rings,
32:46Fellowship of the Ring.
32:48There should be some props there and some cards with your lines.
32:51Slave problem is, er, well, I haven't seen the film,
32:55but also, I've got these ears, but I don't know how...
32:59I got my hearing aids, but, fun fact,
33:02I didn't even know I was deaf until lockdown,
33:04when everyone had the masks on.
33:06I was like, what was everyone saying?
33:08LAUGHTER
33:11Yeah, it was...
33:13It was lip-reading.
33:15So, before that, you've been to concerts going,
33:17I'm not sure why everyone's so into this.
33:19LAUGHTER
33:20Yeah, well, it was just from one of them families
33:22that always had subtitles on the telly and that.
33:25Oh, one of those families?
33:27Sorry, you were in a deaf family.
33:29I suppose, in fairness, they probably told you you were deaf,
33:31but you didn't hear them.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:34I didn't hear that.
33:35What?
33:36LAUGHTER
33:37Harriet, you're playing Lord Elrond.
33:41Mm-hm.
33:42A powerful and wise elf.
33:44Oh. OK.
33:45Richard, you'll be playing Frodo Baggins.
33:47And also, Gandalf.
33:50And Aragorn.
33:52And Legolas.
33:54And Gimli.
33:56And Boromir.
33:57And Sam.
33:58So...
33:59To recap, Richard, you're doing the voices of a young, brave hobbit.
34:04Yeah.
34:05An old wizard.
34:06A cool hero.
34:07A sexy elf.
34:08A Scottish dwarf.
34:09Sean Bean.
34:11And a hobbit from Somerset.
34:13OK.
34:14Action.
34:15You only have one choice.
34:16Do I?
34:17Oh.
34:18Oh, sorry, I'm improvising.
34:19Oh.
34:20The ring must be destroyed.
34:21Oh.
34:22I will take the ring to my door.
34:23Though, I do not know the way.
34:24LAUGHTER
34:25I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins.
34:26As long as it is yours to bear.
34:27A cool hero.
34:28Who's he?
34:29If by life or death I can protect you, I will.
34:30You have my sword.
34:31You have my sword.
34:32Sexy elf.
34:33And you have my sword.
34:34I will take the ring to my door.
34:35I will take the ring to my door.
34:36I will take the ring to my door.
34:37No.
34:38I do not know the way.
34:39I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins.
34:40I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins.
34:43As long as it is yours to bear.
34:45A cool hero.
34:46Who's he?
34:47If by life or death I can protect you, I will.
34:50You have my sword.
34:51LAUGHTER
34:52Sexy elf.
34:53And you have my bow.
34:55LAUGHTER
34:57Scottish dwarf opportunity for racism.
34:59And my ox!
35:01LAUGHTER
35:02Sean Bean.
35:03You can't hear the fate of us all, little one.
35:06If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:10Eww.
35:11Mr Frodo is not going anywhere without me.
35:12Nine companions.
35:13So be it.
35:14You shall be the fellowship of the ring.
35:15And scene.
35:16APPLAUSE
35:17You did Sean Bean as a scouse.
35:18I thought I was doing him as Ian Brown.
35:19LAUGHTER
35:20I thought I was doing him as Ian Brown.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:22I thought I was doing him as Ian Brown.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:25You did him as Ian Brown.
35:40You're on a back down.
35:41I don't need you to tell me what's going on.
35:43Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
35:46So good.
35:48And what was the other one you did? You were...
35:50Eccles from The Goon Show. Yeah.
35:52Yeah, can we hear that again?
35:54I've fallen in the water.
35:58Ah!
36:00Yes, I heard Eccles. Yeah, there's Eccles.
36:02OK, so, Bob, Tom, your turn.
36:04Bob, I've always thought you'd make a great James Bond.
36:07I agree. And the role is up for grabs.
36:09I thought maybe this would be a great opportunity for you to play Bond.
36:12Thank you. Tom, you're going to be playing the villain.
36:14Oh, finally!
36:17This is a scene from the Bond movie From Russia With Love,
36:20set on a train where Bond is captured by the villain.
36:23Tom, you're playing the villain.
36:25He's trying to steal a code machine.
36:27Could you put on the bald cap?
36:33And then the wig on top. The wig on top.
36:35I have a wig, too.
36:37But, Jimmy, this is unfair because they're already the characters.
36:41They just have to...
36:43Oh, I've got a chappaquiddick.
36:45You look great. Thank you.
36:47You don't look too bad yourself, sorry.
36:49Like a young Paul McCartney.
36:51Yeah.
36:52In The Beatles, we mainly had toffees.
36:55Oh, Ringo likes a smarty.
37:00OK, just to get you warmed up, could you give us the iconic line,
37:04the name's Bond, James Bond?
37:08The name's James Bond.
37:10James Bond.
37:11James Bond.
37:16OK, I...
37:17That is better.
37:18Could you...
37:19It's better like that.
37:20Sean Bean.
37:21Yeah.
37:22Your name's James Bond.
37:24James Bond.
37:25James Bastard Bond.
37:27Do you know who I am, you bastard?
37:28I'm James Bond.
37:29James Bond.
37:30James Bond.
37:31James Bond.
37:32OK, now, you're going to be playing the villain.
37:33Oh, yes.
37:34OK.
37:35Where's he from?
37:36He's Russian.
37:37OK.
37:38And action.
37:39Put your hands in your pockets.
37:42keep em강 th change.
37:44Keep em there...
37:49Red wine with fish?
37:51Well,
37:52that should've told me something.
37:54Keep them
38:03Red wine with fish that should have told me something
38:12Get a kick out of watching the great James Bond find out what a Russian
38:23Did I get a kick out of watching the great James Bond find out what a bloody fool he's been making of himself
38:34Yeah, I've been keeping
38:36This is when you put the podcast on 0.75%
38:41I've been your guardian angel
38:45Oh, yeah, I'm much obliged
38:48Now that we've got it
38:52You and the girl are expendable
38:56Must be a pretty sick collection of minds to dream up a plan like that
39:00Tell me which lunatic asylum did they get you out of?
39:05You don't make it tougher on yourself
39:10It says in the script that I'm supposed to slap you across the face
39:12But I am aware that you have had a bypass
39:17You're free to do whatever you feel is appropriate
39:20Okay
39:22No, I don't want to hurt you
39:24Do that one where you hold up your hand like that?
39:26Okay
39:27Like that and then I'll hit the hand
39:28No
39:29No
39:30No
39:31No
39:35You missed
39:36Oh, yeah, I got you
39:37So you say
39:38Make it tougher on yourself
39:39No
39:40No
39:41No
39:42No
39:43No
39:45No
39:46No
39:47No
39:48No
39:49No
39:50No
39:51No
39:52No
39:53No
39:54No
39:55OK, well, on with the game. Richard, Harry, your turn to choose the letters.
40:00Five consonants, four vowels.
40:03B, J, N, P, D, A, O, and E, and O.
40:11And your time starts now.
40:14MUSIC PLAYS
40:31MUSIC PLAYS
40:44OK, Richard, how many? That's a five. Harriet, how many? Five.
40:48Tom? Four. Bob, how many? Four.
40:51Bob, what's your four? Open.
40:54You've got Dave. Dave. Dave.
40:58Richard, your five? Well, that's what we've been doing. It's japed.
41:02Nice. Harriet, your five? Boomed.
41:06Five points for Richard and Harriet. Yeah.
41:09APPLAUSE
41:13Ian, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:15I thought I had a seven. Is banjured a word?
41:19Ah. Have you all banjured together?
41:22Yes. Just a noun. Just a noun. Yeah, I'm sorry.
41:25Fuckin' noun. Give it time.
41:27How much time should we give that, Susie?
41:29Well...
41:30We just wait here.
41:31Er, well, there's just a couple of sixes as best we could do.
41:34There's bedpan.
41:35Erm, and pooned.
41:37What does pooned mean?
41:38To dress in such a way as to attract attention,
41:41typically with sexual success in view.
41:43So, at the end of that, Richard and Harry are in the lead
41:46with 37 points.
41:48APPLAUSE
41:50And here is your final teaser. The words are
41:52Bob's Rear. The clue is Let's Keep It Dry.
41:54That's Bob's Rear. Let's Keep It Dry.
41:56See you after the break.
41:58APPLAUSE
42:00Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were Bob's Rear.
42:16The clue was Let's Keep It Dry. It was, of course, Reabsorb.
42:20OK, time for our final letters game.
42:22Bob and Tom, your turn to choose.
42:24Three consonants, please.
42:26G, L, C.
42:29And can I have two vowels?
42:31A, I.
42:33A consonant, a vowel, a consonant, a vowel, please.
42:35A consonant, T, E, N, and U.
42:40And your 30 seconds starts now.
42:43FELL RINGS
42:48OK.
42:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:00OVER
43:07WARREN WARREN WARREN
43:10System activated. Sequence engaged.
43:12Stand by.
43:13Five, four, three, two, one.
43:18BUZZER
43:20BUZZER
43:27It's time to go.
43:40BUZZER
43:45Cost more if he says anything.
43:47BUZZER
43:48Bob, how many?
43:49Six. Was that six?
43:50Six.
43:51OK. Tom, how many?
43:52Four.
43:53BUZZER
43:54Harry, how many?
43:56Six.
43:57Richard?
43:58Six.
43:59What is your four-letter word?
44:01BUZZER
44:03It's a word that's often used to describe me, actually.
44:06Unit.
44:08BUZZER
44:11Bob, your six?
44:12I'm having a punt with lagoon. L-A-G-U-N-E.
44:16Are you thinking of lagoons?
44:18I'm not thinking of anything, Susie.
44:20No, they're OK.
44:22It's not in, I'm afraid. Not with that spelling, I'm sorry.
44:25Your six?
44:26Gluten.
44:27Richard, your six?
44:28Auto-gluten.
44:29Six points to Harry and Richard.
44:31APPLAUSE
44:35Ian, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:37There is a nine there, but it's a bit obscure.
44:40Cingulate.
44:41C-I-N-G-U-L-A-T-E.
44:43And it's all to do with a curved bundle of nerve fibres
44:46in each hemisphere of the brain.
44:48APPLAUSE
44:50OK, so Bob and Tom have ten points.
44:53Richard and Harriet have 43.
44:55APPLAUSE
44:56I've just got to add up what the conundrum's worth this evening,
45:03cos it changes.
45:04Yeah.
45:05Different episodes, it's worth different...
45:06I think it's worth 34 points this evening.
45:08Yeah.
45:09Jimmy, I've never won.
45:11Don't take this away from me.
45:13Now, you've got a natural advantage cos you've got a massive finger,
45:16and we, Bob, if you don't mind me saying,
45:18we really want to see those fingers.
45:20LAUGHTER
45:22It's time for today's crucial, worth 34 points,
45:25Countdown Conundrum.
45:26Your time starts now.
45:28BUZZER
45:55BUZZER
45:56Formatted.
45:57Formatted.
45:58Formatted.
45:59Is it formatted?
46:00Well, that's how I can see if he's right.
46:02He is right.
46:03Oh.
46:08So, the final scores are...
46:10Bob and Tom have ten points,
46:12Richard and Harriet have 77.
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
46:19the Countdown Karate Kit.
46:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:24Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:26and to all of you for watching at home.
46:27That's it from us.
46:28Good night.
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:30You're welcome,
46:33people at home.
46:34Thank you so much.
46:35Thank you very much.
46:37Thank you, everybody.
46:38Thank you, Bob.
46:39Thank you, Bob.
46:40Thank you very much.
46:41Thank you, Bob.
46:42And we're back in our today's episode.
46:43Thank you, Bob.
46:44This is awesome.
46:45And we are back in the following days earlier.
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