- 2 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:04CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:32We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:44And he's picturing the papers.
00:01:46Oh come on Sandra let's go.
00:01:48No I don't want to.
00:01:50I want to wait.
00:01:52I want to wait.
00:01:54I want to wait.
00:01:56But he might come in a minute.
00:01:58Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:00But that was yesterday.
00:02:01He might be here today.
00:02:02Oh no.
00:02:03I don't really dusty now.
00:02:04I want to wait.
00:02:05You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10That was yesterday.
00:02:11He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh no.
00:02:13I don't really dusty now.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:15We're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16But he might come.
00:02:17Oh wait.
00:02:18Please let's go.
00:02:21Oh no.
00:02:22I told you so didn't I?
00:02:24Feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy us.
00:02:28Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42Don't fancy yours.
00:02:44Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs?
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:58About as much as Mountsytung's grandad.
00:03:02With all due respect.
00:03:04To his grandad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:28Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Mallorca.
00:03:38Come on, then.
00:03:40We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:42It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:10It's one place I've never been.
00:04:12Pardon?
00:04:14I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:16I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:18I'm Beryl.
00:04:20I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:24I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:26I don't want to be surprised.
00:04:28I don't know.
00:04:30I don't know.
00:04:32I don't know.
00:04:34I'm Beryl.
00:04:36I don't know.
00:04:38I can't see you.
00:04:40I don't know.
00:04:42Don't you worry, love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine, every single time.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather, first you're up there, on another plane and then you're nowhere, and the tears are raining down, it's a run around, love and rainy weather, sure can get you down.
00:05:29Now, going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays. Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:56You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58tomorrow night every night I might sell me overcoat life's not all pleasure you
00:06:05know Mildred don't hassle the lad hustle it's a different world today Mildred we
00:06:14had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this Finney had he cost they do
00:06:18their own thing the usual 1,300 weight now that's the new world that we work
00:06:26for and fought for full-page advert for contraception it's his birthright I'm not
00:06:35hungry what's that supposed to mean it's the hip way cool people say I'm not
00:06:41hungry
00:06:59I enjoy staying in chatting of an evening find it fantastically enjoyable no really I
00:07:07really do some people don't I do battle please take my word for it Paul
00:07:16McCartney is never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures
00:07:19Paul McCartney who he doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's
00:07:23night and please don't say Paul McCartney who I sacrifice too much for your six
00:07:28soul-levels you were terrific in the pictures I never touched you terrific
00:07:36self-control what did you say your name was
00:07:58mind you just a weekend I do with you Paul not a dirty weekend a disgusting one
00:08:09night night Percy filth
00:08:15have you always been insatiable it's not my fault it's just that I don't like
00:08:32blondes it's psychosomatic I'm sorry
00:08:45oh Sandra it is almost blonde in this light
00:09:07what's wrong just being brave what about ending it all before we hurt each other
00:09:21too much it's our first date probably wasted your entire evening haven't I yet
00:09:32but if your parents aren't back till midnight
00:09:37don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing straight from Stanley
00:09:42Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went overnight that was when you were too
00:09:47young for this sort of thing it's artistic mother like your Tutankham
00:09:52and Butterdish
00:09:55what got it got what you now ask if I never want to see you again I say I do you
00:10:11then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like how about Sunday
00:10:15half seven outside central library no I don't tomorrow off seven outside central
00:10:21library then when I say okay does your zip miraculously undo it does not thought it
00:10:30did not till you've unfastened the press stud
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning you wouldn't need to book for the
00:10:40Christmas pantomime I don't intend to marry her mother in case it interferes with my career
00:10:45we're just good friends good night
00:10:49Miss Bardot
00:11:03marry me
00:11:06you know what they say
00:11:10once you've had a Manchester lad you never touch anything else
00:11:14about time and all
00:11:31aye
00:11:31peace man
00:11:33did you have a good time this night
00:11:37great
00:11:38this is you
00:11:39satisfied
00:11:40I say it in for a change
00:11:42did you get much
00:11:45did you
00:11:47did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence
00:11:54not that I have done
00:11:56paid in for a change instead
00:12:12ticket I ain't got me ticket
00:12:19we're late already
00:12:21see you behind the goal then
00:12:24see you behind the goal then
00:12:27well tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her snooty old bag
00:12:45trendy crimson shoes with bottle green socks must be going steady with a set of traffic lights
00:12:48still who else would have him anyway they're all the same in the dark rumour has it
00:13:06different girl every night
00:13:13it's all the time
00:13:15probably an omen seeing her before the match
00:13:18bet we lose 3-1
00:13:21well I'm certainly not making the first move at least I've got me proud
00:13:25oh hello
00:13:27oh hi
00:13:29hi
00:13:30didn't see you
00:13:31no normie
00:13:32you going that way
00:13:35yeah
00:13:36not specially no
00:13:37you going that
00:13:39yeah
00:13:40well
00:13:41erm
00:13:42no
00:13:43I was
00:13:44I was sort of
00:13:45going to the football match
00:13:46are you
00:13:47shopping
00:13:48I'm probably going to the pictures tonight
00:13:55I am
00:13:56which
00:13:57which are you
00:13:58any
00:13:59I am
00:14:07see you then
00:14:08tonight
00:14:09pardon
00:14:10oh
00:14:11er
00:14:12alright then
00:14:13right
00:14:18super socks
00:14:20super socks
00:14:25did you see that
00:14:26they're all on drugs
00:14:27a lot of them
00:14:46they score
00:14:47close in
00:14:483-1
00:15:17excuse me
00:15:18I
00:15:19only go to restaurants with deaf waiters
00:15:24ah
00:15:29hi
00:15:30hello mate
00:15:31oh erm
00:15:32peace man
00:15:33surprise surprise
00:15:34surprise
00:15:35in anywhere controversial
00:15:37pictures
00:15:38the boyfriend
00:15:39she's slim
00:15:40I'm just going to the er
00:15:41oh
00:15:42I'll come with you
00:15:43I'll come with you
00:15:47are you and Beryl
00:15:48erm
00:15:49you know
00:15:50er
00:15:51er
00:15:52you know
00:15:53er
00:15:54er
00:15:55would you er
00:16:05what do you sort of reckon
00:16:06she's er
00:16:07a
00:16:08fair sort of bird
00:16:09sort of
00:16:10she's alright
00:16:12I mean nothing sensational obviously
00:16:13Geoffrey
00:16:14she's a bird
00:16:15you're having a coffee with us
00:16:16no thanks kid
00:16:17Neville's ravenous
00:16:21you've just eaten
00:16:22oh of course
00:16:23yeah
00:16:24sorry
00:16:25you see
00:16:36you see
00:16:37what I think
00:16:38was all this
00:16:39trying to do
00:16:40by implication
00:16:41probably by implication
00:16:42was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement
00:16:46you see
00:16:47yes
00:16:48was he the errand boy
00:16:51was he the errand boy
00:16:52was who the errand boy
00:16:53Ken Thingy
00:16:54he directed it
00:16:56oh
00:16:57yes
00:16:58I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol
00:17:01probably
00:17:07you're not like other boys at all are you
00:17:09well probably a little more mature that's all
00:17:11it's over 200 yards from the cinema
00:17:15and you talk to me the whole way
00:17:17like a person
00:17:22other boys seem to have one-track minds these days
00:17:25sex
00:17:26marriage
00:17:27pardon
00:17:28the number of boys that asked me to marry them
00:17:31a couple of dates and pal they want to get married
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married
00:17:36I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it
00:17:39get married
00:17:42hmm
00:17:43no
00:17:44actually I find girls
00:17:50most girls
00:17:51a bit obsessed these days
00:17:54not marriage
00:17:56no
00:17:57sex
00:17:58percy filth
00:18:00sex
00:18:01that's what I said
00:18:04oh
00:18:06well I'm not like that
00:18:09not percy filth motivated
00:18:11no
00:18:12no
00:18:13no
00:18:14no
00:18:15did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol
00:18:29Ken Russell
00:18:30yeah
00:18:31no
00:18:32no
00:18:33no
00:18:34no
00:18:35no
00:18:36no
00:18:37no
00:18:38this is it
00:18:39this is it
00:18:52I won't come in with it being our first date
00:18:54no
00:18:55no
00:18:56oh
00:18:57anywhere my mum's gone to bed we'd be on our own
00:19:00is that a reason for me not coming in though
00:19:02yes Geoffrey
00:19:03oh
00:19:04oh
00:19:05nice house
00:19:06thank you
00:19:1025 year mortgage
00:19:17well thanks for seeing me home
00:19:23funny isn't it
00:19:25first date with someone
00:19:26it always leads to one of three things
00:19:30either nothing
00:19:31or something
00:19:32or everything
00:19:34well don't think about percy filth at this stage Beryl
00:19:45you're not
00:19:47no I'm not
00:19:49night night god bless
00:20:04I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females
00:20:08what is it
00:20:09three two seven double four two one
00:20:11the easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five which is two less than seven
00:20:15then two fours and half of four which is two and half of two which is one
00:20:19um
00:20:20but you mustn't ring me if you don't want
00:20:21no
00:20:22but you can if you do
00:20:23do you want me to
00:20:25not if you'd rather not
00:20:26three two seven double four two one
00:20:29night
00:20:34well hello mrs. Battersby
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea
00:21:04oh
00:21:05they all have a past life flashed before me then
00:21:07can't be mother's day
00:21:12you'd have forgotten
00:21:14has there been any clips
00:21:16mom
00:21:17I want the benefit of your experience
00:21:20what do you think of Andy Warhol
00:21:23you see Geoffrey has this theory that by implication
00:21:27who's Geoffrey
00:21:28of course Geoffrey knows about these things
00:21:30oh
00:21:31these things
00:21:32everything
00:21:33who's Geoffrey
00:21:35he's fantastically intelligent
00:21:37see Geoffrey's idea
00:21:39better who's Geoffrey
00:21:41oh no one
00:21:43no one
00:21:48no one's special
00:21:53his name's Geoffrey
00:21:59how did this Beryl Bird turn out last night then
00:22:02what Beryl Bird
00:22:03I told him
00:22:04did she
00:22:05did she
00:22:06did she
00:22:07did she
00:22:08what
00:22:12wow
00:22:15she doesn't then
00:22:16you don't listen do you
00:22:18I said
00:22:19how about Sandra
00:22:26chips
00:22:27jam
00:22:28sod
00:22:34not seeing him tonight then
00:22:40who
00:22:45I've rather better things to do thank you
00:22:47said he was no one special
00:22:58have they got a phone here
00:23:01why
00:23:03they haven't have they
00:23:05do you want to get some nookie lined up or something
00:23:08if I did do you think I'd be playing darts with you two
00:23:10look are you fed up here
00:23:13are you
00:23:15we'll split after this game
00:23:16anything you say
00:23:17we can go for a few of the king's head
00:23:19great
00:23:21and that ends our pro
00:23:23well
00:23:24Monday tomorrow
00:23:25hallelujah
00:23:26pardon
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone
00:23:29but whatever it is
00:23:30you're being done
00:23:32good night
00:23:42good morning
00:24:00good morning
00:24:01good morning
00:24:02thank you
00:24:10Chalton for pope
00:24:11long may he reign
00:24:13amen
00:24:15what's going on
00:24:17pounds up again
00:24:18oh
00:24:19god
00:24:20today's special
00:24:21bloody
00:24:23travellous checks
00:24:24yeah
00:24:25suddenly everyone's going on holiday
00:24:26so does
00:24:28enjoy yourself while you're young
00:24:30why do we always do that 93 times a day we never see anything
00:25:00my timing not disturbing your singing a hope see Jeffrey on Sunday
00:25:20oh Jeff that Neville's the greatest is he dishy or is he dishy I'm considering
00:25:37packing Jeffrey in one day it was enough why he's cancer and I'm Libra it's that
00:25:45bad oh actually I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment
00:25:51five five which is which is three and two is five which is two less than seven
00:26:07which is I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza bank
00:26:17clerks your lot football supporters hippies oh my lot
00:26:25that's it then fate all over by 723 precisely so what plenty more where she
00:26:51came from is that the speaking clock is that Jeff is that Beryl yes yes hi hi
00:27:05it's terrifically exciting isn't it
00:27:26getting to know a person fantastic I want to know all about you that's what it's all about
00:27:37for example with things in common already definitely
00:27:42like what
00:27:46we're enormously fond of animals right and we're both from Manchester
00:27:56have you ever been abroad no have you no unless you count Istanbul
00:28:08miss Stan was it beyond belief I don't know I was only three
00:28:15do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before
00:28:21sometimes I do
00:28:24what now
00:28:27no just just sometimes
00:28:32yes I do
00:28:36such a lot isn't there
00:28:40in getting to know a person
00:28:43he was live and easy-limbed
00:28:51his stride quietly casual
00:28:54his eyes clear and confident
00:28:56and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed
00:29:00assured lopsided grin
00:29:03you know Jeffrey you have a really lopsided grin
00:29:10really you know lopsided
00:29:13I don't think I have
00:29:16it's in the eye of the beholder
00:29:18see
00:29:21Jeffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot
00:29:26he holds it down with his little finger
00:29:28it must be marvellous being a man
00:29:32it's okay I suppose
00:29:35men can do anything
00:29:36conquer Everest
00:29:38do heart transplants
00:29:40become leader of the opposition
00:29:42anything
00:29:44Jeffrey no spells no
00:29:54it's good for your circulation barrel read any women's magazine it's good for theirs too
00:30:00not sure they recommend Percy filth on Tuesdays
00:30:03I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays
00:30:06I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays
00:30:07all Saturdays
00:30:08Beryl
00:30:10Beryl
00:30:15Beryl
00:30:16oh Jeffrey bubbles bum bum
00:30:18oh Beryl
00:30:19oh Jeffrey
00:30:20oh Beryl
00:30:22are you all right what exactly happened don't tell me
00:30:24I just had a sharp bachack of dramatic irony
00:30:26pardon
00:30:28come back
00:30:31they're better
00:30:32it's better
00:30:33I'm okay
00:30:35I told you it's going to pour
00:30:37it's not
00:30:39ugh
00:30:40it's only the angels crying
00:30:53I know how they feel
00:30:56well don't blame me I haven't done anything
00:30:59that's true
00:31:00that's not true Beryl I have apologised
00:31:04I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you
00:31:07independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer
00:31:11it must be a bad line I can't hear you
00:31:14you'd better apologise again
00:31:16I apologise again
00:31:19gosh this lousy line
00:31:22I wonder if Jeffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday
00:31:26pardon
00:31:29pardon
00:31:30is that who I think it is
00:31:33no dear
00:31:34no dear
00:31:46well isn't this nice
00:31:51sardine sandwich
00:31:52the old sardine
00:31:53yeah
00:31:54she's got her own trawler
00:31:56isn't it awful
00:32:05what?
00:32:06I was speaking to Jeffrey
00:32:07what's happening in the world
00:32:09I blame the politicians
00:32:11what for?
00:32:12for what's happening
00:32:13in the world
00:32:17talk to her
00:32:19I can't speak Portuguese
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese
00:32:22tasty
00:32:24very in oil
00:32:26nice in oil
00:32:28she's got a bad leg
00:32:30the bread's extremely wholesome
00:32:33why after this little baker down the road
00:32:35he does something with the bleach
00:32:36yes
00:32:37can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches
00:32:38your mind goes blank
00:32:51start thinking about life after death
00:32:55ooh that Neville honestly
00:32:57number of hearts he must have broken
00:32:58every girl in Manchester nearly
00:32:59Geoffrey definitely has
00:33:00probably even more
00:33:02air hostesses
00:33:03all sorts
00:33:04tell me about your terrible past Geoffrey
00:33:05I haven't had one yet
00:33:06white man speak with forked tongue
00:33:08actually I was hoping more for a terrible future
00:33:22wow is that the time
00:33:26at this moment in time
00:33:29what have I done?
00:33:31is that the time
00:33:32at this moment in time
00:33:33what have I done?
00:33:34is that the time
00:33:35at this moment in time
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not. Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey. Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:31Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38You used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why? Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:55May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too. It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:20Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that. Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:20Two months?
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48I don't know how you do it.
00:36:50I don't know how you do it.
00:36:50I don't know how you do it.
00:36:51I don't know how you do it.
00:36:51I don't know how you do it.
00:36:52I don't know how you do it.
00:36:52I don't know how you do it.
00:36:53I don't know how you do it.
00:36:53I don't know how you do it.
00:36:54I don't know how you do it.
00:36:54I don't know how you do it.
00:36:55I don't know how you do it.
00:36:55I don't know how you do it.
00:36:56I don't know how you do it.
00:36:57I don't know how you do it.
00:36:57I don't know how you do it.
00:36:58I don't know how you do it.
00:36:58I don't know how you do it.
00:36:59I don't know how you do it.
00:37:00I don't know how you do it.
00:37:01So, let's go.
00:37:31John for Pope, among my reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, uh...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, uh...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Uh...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:45Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:52What?
00:38:54Oh, my God.
00:38:58Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Her.
00:39:03I haven't really looked.
00:39:09Seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific, old boss.
00:39:46Was it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:17Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49I was 11 years old.
00:40:50I don't know.
00:40:56I'm a girl out, but I'm wearing my fingers.
00:41:02Okay.
00:41:04That's a grouping.
00:41:04All right.
00:41:06You're welcome.
00:41:06I think I did the wind around with Eelkee.
00:41:07I'm a mother.
00:41:08I be a son.
00:41:08Oh, unfortunately.
00:41:09That's amazing.
00:41:09I'm such an ingredient.
00:41:09Oh, my God.
00:41:10You're welcome.
00:41:11I'm a mom and a lad.
00:41:12I foi.
00:41:12I'm a mother.
00:41:13I'm a milk.
00:41:13what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation ain't dead
00:41:45don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleup returns to the day
00:42:22I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:25I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no
00:42:54they just mark it
00:42:56anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well
00:43:12this is your uncle Steven
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't my mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:44no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas
00:43:56in these testes
00:43:57that he has as well
00:43:58and he goes through his male organ
00:44:00into the female uterus
00:44:01that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school?
00:44:19they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats
00:44:26and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:31no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is?
00:44:38well
00:44:39people
00:44:40do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03goodnight uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34hey Veronica
00:45:35yes?
00:45:37who the hell's uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning?
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42goodnight love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we?
00:45:50and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you?
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day
00:46:06tomorrow?
00:46:08no
00:46:08tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:11not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens?
00:46:22the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:23this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks
00:46:28with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:32thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done
00:46:42wouldn't we?
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself
00:46:49and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51goodnight love
00:46:53to our barrel
00:46:55morning
00:47:18previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast?
00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what?
00:47:43dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey
00:47:52you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:18what's going on?
00:48:30what's going on?
00:48:34pounds down again
00:48:36up and down like a pair of knickers
00:48:38you should know
00:48:39or me
00:48:41not me
00:48:43what a night
00:48:45wow
00:48:47a lot
00:48:48including action replays
00:48:52in slow motion
00:48:53hey lads
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night
00:48:59who didn't?
00:49:00no it's true
00:49:01yes Jeffrey
00:49:04it is
00:49:05yes Jeffrey
00:49:06bloody yes
00:49:13poor Jeffrey
00:49:17Beryl please
00:49:18it's Neville's engagement party as well
00:49:20he had to invite him
00:49:22he'll see me
00:49:23it's cruel
00:49:24he'll see other girls
00:49:26I shan't take him back Sandra
00:49:28I shan't
00:49:31it's been two weeks
00:49:33he may have got over you by now
00:49:34don't know much about men
00:49:37do you love?
00:50:02it was doing him a kindness
00:50:04really
00:50:04finally splitting up
00:50:06he only had one ambition in life
00:50:09send my knickers to Oxfam
00:50:12good job she hasn't joined the rent
00:50:18the entire navy had gone strike
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't
00:50:27she might have changed of course
00:50:29if she has I might let her have the old orgy now and again
00:50:32he's got to accept we've finally split up
00:50:36otherwise I definitely won't take him back
00:50:38well I'm certainly not making the first move
00:50:44at least I've got me pride
00:50:46I left with Beryl baby
00:50:49oh hi
00:50:50didn't see you
00:50:51no nor me
00:50:52and how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then?
00:50:57united
00:50:58we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good
00:51:01and what's new with Geoffrey then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with you
00:51:11did you?
00:51:17did I say more?
00:51:20pardon?
00:51:21and how's Beryl baby getting on then?
00:51:24Geoffrey I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl baby
00:51:27it isn't like you
00:51:29say that again
00:51:30Beryl baby
00:51:31what's your name handsome?
00:51:36you'll laugh
00:51:37everybody laughs
00:51:38it's the story of my life
00:51:40you tell it like it is Chuck
00:51:43she's putting on an axe
00:51:51what do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby
00:51:57is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06probably
00:52:07Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:15what is?
00:52:19working in a bank
00:52:20I had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29and decided to split
00:52:31so I cut out man
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat gets it together where he's at man
00:52:42lots of beautiful bags baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:49don't cool it
00:52:51dig?
00:52:58sorry I no understand English
00:53:01gesundheit
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:12she has
00:53:14and which is her husband?
00:53:17neither
00:53:18it's warming up isn't it?
00:53:24great beat isn't it?
00:53:33great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:44if so what's death?
00:53:46um
00:53:48a banana
00:53:50yes I expect it is
00:53:54when you think about it
00:53:55have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00um
00:54:00no
00:54:02but I've seen the film
00:54:05you married?
00:54:07no
00:54:08grab yourself an adage
00:54:10marriage is a cabbage
00:54:13you're a poet
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:17ask the answers
00:54:19you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager of Marks and Spencers
00:54:24what's that?
00:54:27I really dirt you
00:54:29now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on ITV?
00:54:37this
00:54:37what's on BBC?
00:54:39Casinova
00:54:43what's that like?
00:54:46this
00:54:47oh come on now
00:54:50you know that's not where it's at
00:54:52let's get this
00:54:53what's the word
00:54:54let's get it clear
00:54:57let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:59okay?
00:55:00hmm
00:55:01women's lip is not about burning brass
00:55:13papers yeah
00:55:14what papers?
00:55:17a marriage certificate
00:55:18a dog's license
00:55:19whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic about this Enid
00:55:23all girls want marriage
00:55:24and a wide wedding
00:55:25really basic
00:55:27you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33Enid
00:55:35when Sandra says every girl
00:55:38she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself
00:55:40not me of course
00:55:41because I incredibly value my independence
00:55:43but most girls definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:47if you can't conduct an intelligent conversation
00:55:50without recourse to
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything
00:55:52I'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:54what?
00:55:55balls
00:55:56oh
00:55:56would you please stop saying that?
00:55:59you believe in free love right?
00:56:02wrong
00:56:02I believe in free everything
00:56:04freedom from all male chauvinist
00:56:06pig domination
00:56:07honestly
00:56:07don't you understand?
00:56:09excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10if we're liberated in society
00:56:10for the future
00:56:11I'm sure
00:56:12no thank you
00:56:13excuse me
00:56:13excuse me
00:56:14you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15oh
00:56:16oh sorry
00:56:18well now I'm sorry
00:56:20it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's a pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23Geoffrey you've not to
00:56:25why not?
00:56:26I said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28oh wow
00:56:38we're as liberated as you Enid
00:56:42we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:46it just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee
00:56:49you see
00:56:51what we believe is
00:56:52you see
00:56:56well one
00:56:57I can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:02what you're doing?
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:08burn my bra
00:57:12right
00:57:17that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:21we've finally split up
00:57:24Neville
00:57:24Sandra wants you
00:57:26I should imagine
00:57:27sad isn't it?
00:57:33pathetic
00:57:34well I can't follow plays these days
00:57:40it's just showing real life
00:57:43that's all
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her
00:57:50the perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:04she packed me in for picking me teeth with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet
00:58:10I've always thought you were
00:58:14did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:22no it's nice
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:49oh
00:58:50sorry
00:58:50do you know
00:58:55what girl
00:58:56she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:04he's upstairs I think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:15usually
00:59:16I hate to be any trouble
00:59:23but I think I'm dying
00:59:25you'll be all right
00:59:26honest
00:59:26she said I shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who?
00:59:30she said
00:59:31Geoffrey
00:59:35Geoffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:45Geoffrey
00:59:53Geoffrey
00:59:53move up a bit Geoffrey
00:59:58put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:07call Dr. Wise
01:00:15put a Quilmslow road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then?
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40like you Beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:09that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:35I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave it to rest
01:01:40I'm right off birds
01:01:45I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:54good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17can I
01:02:18come on
01:02:19come on
01:02:20come on
01:02:21come on
01:02:22come on
01:02:23I
01:02:24can
01:02:25come on
01:02:26him
01:02:27to
01:02:28it
01:02:28so
01:02:29that's
01:02:30that's
01:02:32that's
01:02:32what's
01:02:33good
01:02:34isn't
01:02:35something
01:02:36that's
01:02:37it's
01:02:38I
01:02:39I
01:02:41it's
01:02:43that's
01:02:43what I
01:02:44I
01:02:45I
01:02:46I
01:02:47Oh, Beryl, Beryl.
01:03:11Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:41Hello.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:55I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello? It's me.
01:04:06Who? My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:11I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't,
01:04:15because I shan't be in, tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21...
01:04:22...
01:04:23...
01:04:29...
01:04:31...
01:04:35...
01:04:36A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Look, who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:28Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:34Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:55With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:58Told you.
01:05:58Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home, they've won three, drawn five, and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Yeah.
01:06:38Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:05I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:14Ooh, yeah!
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if
01:07:37he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, uh, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean, uh, permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:00Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:23Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29The cowgills.
01:08:30Fantastic.
01:08:31The cowgills.
01:08:32Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:34Married couple.
01:08:35Newlyweds.
01:08:36Newlyweds.
01:08:37Not long married.
01:08:38You go bald doing that.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:41Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:44Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Newlyweds.
01:08:47Not long married.
01:08:48You go bald doing that.
01:08:50Doing what?
01:09:03I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:08Living in sin.
01:09:12Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:20If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:34Given you a bad time, is she?
01:09:37Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:45What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:52I never said you were!
01:09:53You think it!
01:09:54I think it!
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey. I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:18Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:21Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:30No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:37I'm sorry.
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:49What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:03Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what NO spells
01:11:41and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what NO spells.
01:11:46And what NO spells.
01:11:47Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:57End it now.
01:11:59Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't he?
01:12:05Terrific.
01:12:06Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:26You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:37Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:51You join a marriage bureau and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:56Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01You're Jesus Christ Superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:12It's important.
01:13:13What is?
01:13:14I keep asking you what is.
01:13:16What is?
01:13:17To be on our own.
01:13:19What?
01:13:21So as we can talk.
01:13:23What?
01:13:25I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:32The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:36Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly.
01:13:39I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:45The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:49Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:13:59Weird, isn't it?
01:14:09The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:19We do.
01:14:20We do.
01:14:24See what I...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:29Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:47Happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:00No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:22Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:37Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:39No.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:48If there isn't anything.
01:15:49Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:58No.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop.
01:16:14To please you.
01:16:19I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:32Your mother.
01:16:33Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:36Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:40Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:45You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:47After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources, in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:53Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:01I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:15You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:27That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:41Neither did I.
01:17:43Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:04There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:28Thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:37At all.
01:18:38Oh, goodbye then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:54Peace, man.
01:18:59St Anne's Square.
01:19:00St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:08So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:21Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:23Teething ring?
01:19:25Wedding ring?
01:19:26Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:31No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:34Oh, sorry.
01:19:36What about?
01:19:37Oh, skip it.
01:19:39About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:42Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:46But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:53Yeah.
01:19:57We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:00How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:07Peace.
01:20:08She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow!
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26Anno spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra.
01:20:38This is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yep.
01:20:42Coming to the crutch.
01:20:43Crunch.
01:20:44I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:10And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:17Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:20Fine.
01:21:21This is fine enough.
01:21:22Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:27Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:36Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:56Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President. Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:20No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:32Nixon.
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:52Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:34Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:45In bed a bit.
01:23:50And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:54and marry her three days later.
01:23:58We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:01I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:03Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:07Where's she going?
01:24:08Hospital.
01:24:12Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:15Come back.
01:24:16How's she going, sir?
01:24:17How's she going?
01:24:18How's she going?
01:24:19How's she going?
01:24:21How's she going?
01:24:22How's she going, sir?
01:24:23How's she going in a minute to work?
01:24:24He hope they come into each other sometime.
01:24:55Ah, hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Ah, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:11There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:25Hi.
01:25:41When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:57Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00Don't know.
01:26:02I could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:07Where will you?
01:26:10Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:13Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:16Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:18May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:22Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:37Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:48Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:24Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:42You will, Beryl.
01:27:44Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:47Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:04What does it?
01:28:06What does it?
01:28:08What does it?
01:28:09What does it?
01:28:11What does it?
01:28:13What does it?
01:28:29And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:43When the crying's dark
01:28:48Love and rainy weather
01:28:53Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:03Love and rainy weather
01:29:08When the crying's dark
01:29:13Love and rainy weather
01:29:18Are followed by the sun
01:29:23Love and rainy weather
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