- 6 weeks ago
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:01CastingWords
00:01:28Jesus!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, no. That little really does standing here.
00:02:14Come on. We're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no. I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24I feel a right twit now.
00:02:26I don't fancy yours.
00:02:28Which is mine?
00:02:30Any except the blonde.
00:02:32Oh.
00:02:34Good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:38Don't fancy yours.
00:02:42Which is mine?
00:02:44Any except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:48Thanks. Neither do I.
00:02:52Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:02:56About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:02To his granddad.
00:03:04Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:06You.
00:03:08No.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:10There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:12Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:23Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Peace, ma'am.
00:03:27Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:28He's in Mallorca.
00:03:29Come on, then.
00:03:30We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:31It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:32Come on.
00:03:33Come on.
00:03:34I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:35It's our lunch hour.
00:03:36It's ours.
00:03:37It's ours.
00:03:38No.
00:03:39No.
00:03:40No.
00:03:41No.
00:03:42No.
00:03:43No.
00:03:44No.
00:03:45No.
00:03:46No.
00:03:47No.
00:03:49No.
00:03:50No.
00:03:51No.
00:03:52No.
00:03:53No.
00:03:54No.
00:03:55No.
00:03:56No.
00:03:57No.
00:03:58No.
00:03:59No.
00:04:00No.
00:04:01No.
00:04:02No.
00:04:03No.
00:04:05No.
00:04:06No.
00:04:07No.
00:04:08No.
00:04:09We were going for lunch.
00:04:10Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:13Pardon?
00:04:15I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:21I'm Beryl.
00:04:22I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:23Don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:53Every single time.
00:05:00First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down.
00:05:13It's a run around.
00:05:18Love and rainy weather.
00:05:24Sure can get you down.
00:05:31Going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:37That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:39What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:44Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays. Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:50What I'm not doing tonight?
00:05:52Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:54You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:56Tonight? Tomorrow night?
00:05:58Every night.
00:06:00They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:02Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hassle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:17They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:21Yes, please.
00:06:23Now, that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:26And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:30It's his birthright.
00:06:32I'm not hungry.
00:06:35What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:41La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
00:06:59I enjoy staying in chatting of an evening.
00:07:02I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:05No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:08Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell
00:07:17and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your six old levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:32I never touched you.
00:07:34Terrific self-control.
00:07:40What did you say your name was?
00:07:42Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:04Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:06A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night night, Percy Filth.
00:08:23Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:25What did you say, should you?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:55Oh, Sandra.
00:08:56There is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:21It's our first date.
00:09:26I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:35Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:40Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:44Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:51Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:52What?
00:10:03Got it.
00:10:04Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:13how about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:16No, I don't.
00:10:18Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:32I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:38You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Goodnight.
00:11:02Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:11Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:29About time and all.
00:11:30Hi.
00:11:31Hi.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:35Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I say it in for a change.
00:11:43Did you get much?
00:11:46Did you?
00:11:51Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:54Not that I have done.
00:11:56I say it in for a change instead.
00:12:01λ© Ticket.
00:12:02I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:03We're late already.
00:12:05See you behind the goal then.
00:12:10Singer puede compenseger.
00:12:11An en UP after the tent me,
00:12:13an the son of Texas,
00:12:15he'll call upon it.
00:12:19Then into the gate to jail.
00:12:20Ten degrees,
00:12:29Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her, snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night. It's all the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:31Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34You going that way?
00:13:35Yeah. Not especially, no. You going that?
00:13:40Yeah. Well, um, no. I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:47I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which of you?
00:13:57Any.
00:13:58I am.
00:13:59I am.
00:14:07See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right, then.
00:14:13Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:25Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27The loss of them.
00:14:28Cough, Cough, Cough.
00:14:30Cough, Cough, Cough.
00:14:31Cough, Cough, Cough.
00:14:31Good score.
00:14:46Low's in. 3-1.
00:15:01Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial.
00:15:38The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:50You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:55Would you, uh...
00:16:05What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:08Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:13Yes.
00:16:14I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:17Geoffrey.
00:16:18She's a bird.
00:16:19You having a coffee with us?
00:16:24No thanks, kid.
00:16:25Neville's ravenous.
00:16:26You've just eaten.
00:16:27Oh, of course.
00:16:28Yeah.
00:16:29Sorry.
00:16:30You see.
00:16:31What I thought Ken was always trying to do.
00:16:33By implication.
00:16:34Probably by implication.
00:16:35Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:37You see.
00:16:38Yes.
00:16:39Was he the errand boy?
00:16:40Was who the errand boy?
00:16:41Ken Thingy.
00:16:42He directed it.
00:16:43Oh, yes.
00:16:55I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:57Probably.
00:16:58You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:03Well, probably a little bit.
00:17:07No.
00:17:08Well, I'm not a little bit.
00:17:09I'm not a little bit.
00:17:11Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex? Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:39Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls,
00:17:50a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No. Sex.
00:17:59Where's he feel?
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:09Not passive-elf-motivated.
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:31I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:15Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:24It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:29First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:36Or something.
00:19:37Or everything.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:43Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:19:53I won't give you my phone number, in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:30Easy.
00:20:31Easy.
00:20:31Easy.
00:20:31Easy.
00:20:36Easy.
00:20:36Easy.
00:20:36Well, hello, Mrs Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04All of my past life flashed before me then.
00:21:10Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:14Has there been any clips?
00:21:16Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:21What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:41Oh, no-one.
00:21:43No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:55How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:03Did she, er...
00:22:05Did she, er...
00:22:07What?
00:22:09Oh...
00:22:11Wow!
00:22:13She doesn't, then.
00:22:15You don't listen, do you?
00:22:17I said...
00:22:18How about Sundry?
00:22:19A hundred.
00:22:26Chips.
00:22:27Chips.
00:22:28Chips.
00:22:29Sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then?
00:22:36Who?
00:22:37I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:54Said he was no one special.
00:22:56Have they got a phone here?
00:22:58Why?
00:23:00They haven't, have they?
00:23:02Did you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:04If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:06Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:08Are you?
00:23:09We'll split after this game.
00:23:10Anything you say.
00:23:11We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:13Great.
00:23:14And that ends our pro...
00:23:15Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:16Hallelujah.
00:23:17Pardon?
00:23:18I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:21Goodnight.
00:23:41Good morning.
00:24:00Good morning.
00:24:01Chalton for Pope. Long may he reign. Amen.
00:24:13What's going on? Pounds up again.
00:24:17Oh, God. Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:22Here. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:25Except those. Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:30Why do we always do that? 93 times a day?
00:24:49We never see anything.
00:25:00I hear the maiden singing in the valley. My timing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:18See Geoffrey on Sunday. Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:23That Neville's the greatest. Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:33He never promises he's going to take this... I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:38One date was enough. Why?
00:25:42He's cancer and I'm Libra. Is that bad?
00:25:45Hopeless.
00:25:47Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:00Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:04Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is five.
00:26:10Which is five.
00:26:12I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:16Bank clocks.
00:26:17Your lot?
00:26:18Football supporters.
00:26:20Hippies.
00:26:21Hippies.
00:26:22Oh.
00:26:23My lot.
00:26:24At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:30It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:37That's it then. Fate.
00:26:42All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:56Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:26:59Yes.
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:12It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:27Fantastic.
00:27:32I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:41Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:54And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:06Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:08Miss Stapp, was it beyond belief?
00:28:11I don't know.
00:28:12I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:23I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:28No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:02You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:20See?
00:29:22Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:29It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:32It's okay, I suppose.
00:29:34Men can do anything.
00:29:36Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:52Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:29:59It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:14Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey bubbles, Bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:20Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:22Oh, Beryl!
00:30:23Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp attack of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:30Oh.
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I-I'm okay.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to port.
00:30:43It's not!
00:30:47Urgh!
00:30:48It's only the angels crying.
00:30:49I know how they feel.
00:30:50Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:30:51That's true!
00:30:52That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:30:55I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:30:56Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:30:59It must be a bad line. I can't hear you. You'd better apologise again.
00:31:02I apologise again.
00:31:03I apologise again.
00:31:04Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:07I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:10Pardon?
00:31:11Pardon?
00:31:12Pardon?
00:31:13Is that who I think it is?
00:31:14No, dear.
00:31:15No.
00:31:16No, dear.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line!
00:31:23I wonder if Jeffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday?
00:31:28Pardon? Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is? No, dear.
00:31:35Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:50Sardine sandwich.
00:31:52Is it all sardine? Yeah.
00:31:55She's got her own trawler.
00:31:58Isn't it awful? What?
00:32:05I was speaking to Jeffrey. What's happening in the world?
00:32:08I blame the politicians. What for?
00:32:11For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:19I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:22Tasty.
00:32:24They're in oil.
00:32:26They're nice in oil. She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:33I have this little baker down the road.
00:32:35He does something with the bleach.
00:32:39Yes.
00:32:46I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:49Mine goes blank.
00:32:51I'll start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:05Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:08Jeffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:15All sorts.
00:33:17Tell me about your terrible past, Jeffrey.
00:33:19I haven't had one yet.
00:33:21White men speak with forked tongue.
00:33:23Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:26Hmm.
00:33:32Wow, is that the time?
00:33:33At this moment in time.
00:33:35What have I done?
00:33:36Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:38Not in the slightest.
00:33:40You're lucky.
00:33:41Why is Jeffrey?
00:33:42Wow.
00:33:43You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:45Of course not.
00:33:46Why should I be?
00:33:47Please stop interrogating me, Jeffrey.
00:33:48Forget it.
00:33:49That's all in the past.
00:33:50Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:33:53Who needs drama?
00:33:54So I shouted back at her.
00:33:55No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:33:56In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:33:58He thumped you.
00:33:59Walloped you on.
00:34:00No.
00:34:01I said nearly.
00:34:02You never thump me, will you?
00:34:03Like Neville does Sandra?
00:34:04She adores it.
00:34:05Of course not.
00:34:06No.
00:34:07You never thump me, will you?
00:34:08Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:09She adores it.
00:34:10Of course not.
00:34:25No.
00:34:26No.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:33Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:39He used to talk to me.
00:34:41All right, let's talk.
00:34:47Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why, is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:55Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too, it was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:16You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:18We're scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well red barrel.
00:35:42There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:48There's plenty of fish in the sea.
00:35:51Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:01You'll never thorn me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:05Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:13That.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:17Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:20Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:25Two months, nine days.
00:36:29Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:34She'll think of something.
00:36:36Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:40Congratulations.
00:36:41I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:45Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:37:05There's no pewds.
00:37:06That's so great.
00:37:33Where is Adrian?
00:37:34John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, uh...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, uh...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Uh...
00:38:10Oh, hell, no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Rowland.
00:38:34Rowland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware...
00:38:37And psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Yeah.
00:39:06I hadn't really looked.
00:39:09Seen one, you seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:14I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16Oh, boy.
00:39:23Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:30Oh, I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Philz.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:44Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:17Mmm, don't.
00:40:17Mmm, please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm, smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49Oh, my God.
00:41:10I don't believe that.
00:41:13what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation ain't dead
00:41:45don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished
00:42:24yourself
00:42:39I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no
00:42:54they just mark it
00:42:56anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well
00:43:12this is your uncle Steven
00:43:15this is my revolting brother
00:43:19Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:44no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well
00:43:58and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school?
00:44:19they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is?
00:44:38well
00:44:39people do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03goodnight uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34hey Veronica
00:45:35yes
00:45:36who the hell's uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning?
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42goodnight love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we?
00:45:50and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you?
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day
00:46:06tomorrow?
00:46:08no
00:46:08tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:11not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens?
00:46:21the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:24this time tomorrow
00:46:27I'll be in barracks
00:46:28with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:32thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done
00:46:42wouldn't we?
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself
00:46:49and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51goodnight love
00:46:53try a barrel
00:46:55morning previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast?
00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what?
00:47:43dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey
00:47:52you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00I knew you'd like to know
00:48:00you'd like to know
00:48:24.
00:48:29Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Long me around.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20He had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:23It's cruel.
00:49:24He'll see other girls.
00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:32He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:47It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:04Finally splitting up.
00:50:06He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:09Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:12Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:50:17The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:21I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:24I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:28She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:34He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:49Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you?
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:06I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl, baby, getting on then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:37Everybody laughs.
00:51:38It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an act.
00:51:52What do you care?
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:56I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:17Working in a bank.
00:52:18Oh.
00:52:19I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:32So I cut off, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:37This cat gets it together where it's at, man.
00:52:42Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:45So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:51Dig?
00:52:55Hm?
00:52:57Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:00Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:18It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:33Great to dance to.
00:53:39Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:43Hm?
00:53:45If so, what's death?
00:53:46Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's Concept of Existence?
00:53:59Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:13Are you a poet?
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:17Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:23To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:25Good job.
00:54:28I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:32What's on ITV?
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Casinova.
00:54:45What's that like?
00:54:47This.
00:54:49Oh, come on now.
00:54:51You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:53Let's get this...
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:56Let's get it clear.
00:54:58Let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville.
00:55:00Okay?
00:55:01What's the word?
00:55:02What's the word?
00:55:03What's the word?
00:55:05What's the word?
00:55:07What's the word?
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate.
00:55:19A dog's licence.
00:55:20Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage.
00:55:24And a white wedding.
00:55:26Really basic?
00:55:27You want to be really basic?
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourse to anything.
00:55:52I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong! I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:11Feral grass.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:17Oh, sorry!
00:56:18Wow, man.
00:56:19Sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:22It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:38Oh, wow.
00:56:40We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:44Neither of us is boss.
00:56:45It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:49Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we...
00:56:51Now!
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Wear one.
00:56:57I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:12Right.
00:57:13That's it.
00:57:14Finished.
00:57:15The end.
00:57:16Full stop.
00:57:17We've finally split up.
00:57:18Neville.
00:57:19Sandra wants you.
00:57:20I should imagine.
00:57:21Sad, isn't it?
00:57:22Pathetic.
00:57:23Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:24It's just show in real life, that's all.
00:57:25I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:38well i can't follow plays these days it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:48i once thought i'd found her a perfect girl red hair not too skinny very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused yeah i should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:09you're very sweet i've always thought you were
00:58:17did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin it's just i'm a bit tired no it's nice
00:58:29i don't think i've washed that one oh
00:58:55do you know what girl she can ask me anything
00:58:59do you know where jeffrey's got to
00:59:04he's upstairs i think
00:59:11is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:15usually
00:59:22i hate to be any trouble but i think i'm dying
00:59:25it'll be all right honest she said i shouldn't smoke it who she said
00:59:35jeffrey
00:59:38jeffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:52jeffrey
00:59:53move up a bit jeffrey put your legs that's better
01:00:05it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:07call dr wiseberg quilmslow road
01:00:16It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:35It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:46Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Jeffrey?
01:01:12That's good.
01:01:16Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:44I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:01:54Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I?
01:02:18Good morning.
01:02:35Good morning.
01:02:37I'm waiting.
01:02:37I'm here to meet you.
01:02:38I'm here to meet you.
01:02:39I will see you next time.
01:02:39οΏ½
01:02:48Oh, Bernal, Bernal.
01:03:11Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Bernal.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:41Hello.
01:03:44Ta-ra.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:11I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21Or a few hundred people.
01:04:23Come.
01:04:24You're and I shan't be real.
01:04:25I'm
01:04:26Wow.
01:04:27Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in Satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:24If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:28Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:41Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:44Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:49Me?
01:05:50A football match?
01:05:51With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:52Told you.
01:05:53Who are they playing?
01:05:54Huddersfield Town?
01:05:55In the cot?
01:05:56I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:00I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:01The...
01:06:02The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:03Shows you.
01:06:04Away from home.
01:06:05They've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:07Drawn five.
01:06:08Drawn five.
01:06:09So what do you think?
01:06:10So what do you think?
01:06:11I think I nearly love you.
01:06:12I think I nearly love you.
01:06:13I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:14I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:17The...
01:06:18The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home.
01:06:25They've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:28Drawn five.
01:06:30So what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:07:02Never mind.
01:07:03It's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly love me.
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:23We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if
01:07:38he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes.
01:07:40Well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:45I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:50I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:53Pardon.
01:07:54Kissing.
01:07:55Cuddling.
01:07:56Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:00Do what?
01:08:01What you just said.
01:08:02Good.
01:08:03Not too much, I hope.
01:08:04Oh, God.
01:08:05Boys are very funny.
01:08:06They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:07Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:21Oh.
01:08:22Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:24Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:28Fantastic.
01:08:29The cowgills.
01:08:30Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:31Married couple.
01:08:32Newlyweds.
01:08:33Not long married.
01:08:34You go bald doing that.
01:08:35Doing what?
01:08:36No.
01:08:37No.
01:08:38No.
01:08:39No.
01:08:40No.
01:08:41No.
01:08:42No.
01:08:43No.
01:08:44No.
01:08:45No.
01:08:46No.
01:08:47No.
01:08:48No.
01:08:49No.
01:08:50No.
01:08:51No.
01:08:52No.
01:08:53No.
01:08:54No.
01:08:55No.
01:08:56No.
01:08:57No.
01:08:58No.
01:08:59No.
01:09:00No.
01:09:01No.
01:09:02No.
01:09:03No.
01:09:04No.
01:09:05No.
01:09:06No.
01:09:07No.
01:09:08No.
01:09:09No.
01:09:10No.
01:09:11No.
01:09:12No.
01:09:13No.
01:09:14No.
01:09:19No.
01:09:20No.
01:09:21No.
01:09:22Er, Largo,
01:09:23Π΄Π°.
01:09:24If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would've beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25Would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:29I don't think so.
01:09:31Beryl would.
01:09:35Given you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:48Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another person
01:09:51without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were! You think it!
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:11I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:17Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your LP coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:37I'm sorry.
01:10:39No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:50What are you staring at?
01:10:56Hello?
01:10:57All right, son.
01:10:58Terrific.
01:10:59Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:25Good night.
01:11:28The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:35Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what NO spells
01:11:42and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:45And what NO spells.
01:11:47And what NO spells.
01:11:48Great!
01:11:50I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so, society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't I?
01:12:04Triffic.
01:12:06Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:11Having a good time.
01:12:13Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl.
01:12:50How's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage.
01:12:56Twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right.
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Right.
01:13:02Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:06Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:12Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:17Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:19It's important.
01:13:22What is?
01:13:25I keep asking you what is.
01:13:29What is?
01:13:31To be on our own.
01:13:33What?
01:13:35Says we can talk.
01:13:37What?
01:13:43Had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:48The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United
01:13:54and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:58She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:04The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See what I think?
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:28No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:34Beryl.
01:14:38Are you...
01:14:40happy?
01:14:42Of course.
01:14:44Very.
01:14:46I am.
01:14:48No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:50No.
01:14:52I'm not.
01:14:54I'm not.
01:14:56No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:58No.
01:15:00I'm not.
01:15:04Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:09Probably.
01:15:11I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:13Well, not in so many words.
01:15:15Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:17Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:18No.
01:15:19I don't think so.
01:15:20Honestly, no.
01:15:21Nothing.
01:15:22If there is.
01:15:23There isn't.
01:15:24You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:25If there isn't anything.
01:15:26Honest.
01:15:27Good.
01:15:28It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:29It would just make me a better human being to deserve yours.
01:15:31I don't know.
01:15:32If there isn't.
01:15:33If there isn't.
01:15:34You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:35If there isn't anything.
01:15:36Honest.
01:15:37If there isn't.
01:15:38If there isn't anything.
01:15:39I'm not.
01:15:40If there isn't anything.
01:15:41You don't love about me.
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is.
01:15:47If there isn't.
01:15:48You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06Crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop.
01:16:15To please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:36Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:01Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:15No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:17I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:41Neither did I.
01:17:43Do now, though.
01:17:53I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:23thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:30I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:37At all.
01:18:39Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:09So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:34Oh, sorry.
01:19:36What about?
01:19:38Oh, skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:42With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Peace.
01:20:09She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow!
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26Anno spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yep.
01:20:42Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:45I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest,
01:20:49seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,
01:20:52because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:21:00Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:11And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:18Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:24About there, lovely.
01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:29Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:33Ow!
01:21:34Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:44Funny.
01:21:45I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:49How have you been?
01:21:51Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:05It's life.
01:22:10I see you, President.
01:22:11Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:19Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:22Oh?
01:22:23Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:25Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:32Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:52Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:04My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:08I'm right off it myself.
01:23:10I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:27Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:37For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:48And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:06I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:10Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:11Mm-hm.
01:24:30Thank you, everyone.
01:24:31Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:58You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:31Hi.
01:25:38When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months.
01:25:46Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot.
01:25:53I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:56Where will you go now, then?
01:25:59Don't know.
01:26:00Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:06Where will you?
01:26:07Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:09Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:12Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:13May as well, if you like.
01:26:14Don't mind.
01:26:15Why not?
01:26:16Just as friends.
01:26:17Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:18Yeah, I did.
01:26:19Wish we had a ball.
01:26:21Could play shooting in.
01:26:24You could go in goal.
01:26:26You could go in goal.
01:26:28What?
01:26:29What?
01:26:30What?
01:26:31What?
01:26:32What?
01:26:33What?
01:26:34What?
01:26:35What?
01:26:36What?
01:26:37What?
01:26:38What?
01:26:39What?
01:26:40What?
01:26:41What?
01:26:42What?
01:26:43What?
01:26:44What?
01:26:45What?
01:26:46Well moved.
01:26:48What?
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:15Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:20We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:36All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:52You're not sure.
01:27:55You're not sure.
01:27:57You're not sure.
01:27:58You're not sure.
01:28:00You're not sure.
01:28:01You're not sure.
01:28:02You're not sure.
01:28:03You're not sure.
01:28:04You're not sure.
01:28:05You're not sure.
01:28:06You're not sure.
01:28:07You're not sure.
01:28:08You're not sure.
01:28:09You're not sure.
01:28:10You're not sure.
01:28:11You're not sure.
01:28:12You're not sure.
01:28:13You're not sure.
01:28:14You're not sure.
01:28:15And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:39Love and rainy weather
01:29:43Love and rainy weather
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