- 4 months ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street, we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is long.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:31We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58No, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04I want to wait.
00:02:05I want to be standing out here.
00:02:05It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday.
00:02:11He might be here today.
00:02:12I want to be standing here.
00:02:14I want to be supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16But he might come.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25Feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36They were being stared at.
00:02:38Where?
00:02:39Don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:33Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:56Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:49But they go together fine.
00:04:55Every single time.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:01First you're up there.
00:05:04On another plane.
00:05:06And then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down.
00:05:15It's a run around.
00:05:20Love and rainy weather.
00:05:25Sure can get you down.
00:05:32Now, going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:34That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:56You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:01They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hassle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:24Now, that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:27And fought for.
00:06:29Full-page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:32I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:03I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:05No, really.
00:07:08I really do.
00:07:09Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:27I sacrificed too much for your six-o levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:37What did you say your name was?
00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:16Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:41It's just that I don't like it.
00:08:46Ah.
00:09:03Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05It is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:14Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:20Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:40Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot, you went.
00:09:45Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:51Like your Tuttenhamen butter dish.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:05You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.
00:10:23Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26No, it does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press, Stud.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Good night.
00:10:49Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14It's about time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:36Did you have a good time, Miss Knight?
00:11:38Great.
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I'll say it in for a change.
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57Paid him for a change instead.
00:12:12Ticket.
00:12:19I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal, then.
00:12:29Aye.
00:12:30Aye.
00:12:30Aye.
00:12:30Aye.
00:12:31Aye.
00:12:32Aye.
00:12:33Aye.
00:12:34Aye.
00:12:35Aye.
00:12:36Aye.
00:12:37Aye.
00:12:38Aye.
00:12:39Aye.
00:12:41Well, tonight's beauty sleep has done nothing for her.
00:12:43A snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy.
00:12:51Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:58Still, who else would have him?
00:12:59Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:10Different girl every night. It's all the type.
00:13:14Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:17I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:20Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:23At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:33Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah. Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Well, no. I was sort of...
00:13:43Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any?
00:13:59I am.
00:14:07See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:13Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28Don't be getting into it.
00:14:29Good job.
00:14:30Big score.
00:14:31Losing.
00:14:32Three-one.
00:14:33Good score.
00:14:46Losing. 3-1.
00:15:03Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me. I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi mate.
00:15:31Hello mate.
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial.
00:15:38The pictures. The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:51You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:16:01Would you, uh...
00:16:03What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:07Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:13I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:16Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:20You're having a coffee with us?
00:16:21No thanks, kid.
00:16:22Neville's ravenous.
00:16:23You've just eaten.
00:16:24Oh, of course.
00:16:25Yeah.
00:16:26Sorry.
00:16:27You see.
00:16:28What I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:29By implication.
00:16:30Probably by implication.
00:16:31Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:34You see.
00:16:35Yes.
00:16:36Was he the errand boy?
00:16:37Was who the errand boy?
00:16:38Ken Thingy.
00:16:39He directed it.
00:16:40Oh, yes.
00:16:41I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:42Probably.
00:16:43You're not like other boys at all.
00:16:44What do you do?
00:16:45What do you do?
00:16:46By implication.
00:16:47By implication.
00:16:48Probably by implication.
00:16:49Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:50You see.
00:16:51Yes.
00:16:52Was he the errand boy?
00:16:53Was who the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:56Oh, yes.
00:16:58I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:01Probably.
00:17:03You're not like other boys at all.
00:17:08Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:11It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:14And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:17Like a person.
00:17:19Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex?
00:17:25Marriage.
00:17:26Pardon?
00:17:27The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:30A couple of dates and how they want to get married.
00:17:33I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:36I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:55No.
00:17:56Sex.
00:17:57That's what I said.
00:17:58Oh.
00:17:59Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:00Not Persifilth-motivated?
00:18:01No.
00:18:02No.
00:18:03Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:04Ken Russell?
00:18:05Yeah.
00:18:06No.
00:18:07No.
00:18:08No.
00:18:09This is it.
00:18:10This is it.
00:18:11This is it.
00:18:12This is it.
00:18:13This is it.
00:18:14This is it.
00:18:15Oh.
00:18:16Oh.
00:18:17Oh.
00:18:18Oh.
00:18:19Oh.
00:18:20Oh.
00:18:21Oh.
00:18:22Oh.
00:18:23Oh.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:25Oh.
00:18:26Oh.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:32Oh.
00:18:33Oh.
00:18:34Oh.
00:18:35I know where my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:53Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:18:58be on our own. Is that a reason for me not coming in though? Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:13Nice house. Thank you. 25-year mortgage.
00:19:20Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:26Funny, isn't it? First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:34Either nothing or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:42Don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:48No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night. God bless.
00:20:04I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:103274421.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16two fours and half of four, which is two and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Erm...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:23But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:273274421.
00:20:28Good night.
00:20:29Good night.
00:20:30Good night.
00:20:31Good night.
00:20:33Well, hello, Mrs Battersby.
00:20:35Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:34He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:36See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:38Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:40Oh, no-one.
00:21:41No-one's special.
00:21:42His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:47How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:21:48What Beryl Bird?
00:21:49I told him.
00:21:50Did she, er...
00:21:51Did she, er...
00:21:52Did she, er...
00:21:53What?
00:21:54What?
00:21:55Wow!
00:21:56She doesn't, then.
00:21:57You don't listen, do you?
00:21:58How about Sandra?
00:21:59How about Sandra?
00:22:00Chips.
00:22:01Chips.
00:22:02Chips.
00:22:03Chips.
00:22:04Chips.
00:22:05Sod.
00:22:06Not seen him tonight, then.
00:22:07Not seen him tonight, then.
00:22:08Not seen him tonight, then.
00:22:09Oh, no.
00:22:10Oh!
00:22:11Oh, no.
00:22:12Oh, no.
00:22:13My goodness.
00:22:14Oh.
00:22:15She doesn't then. You don't listen, do you? I said... How about Sundry?
00:22:27Chips. Chum sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:33Good morning.
00:23:35Good morning.
00:23:48Good morning.
00:23:49Morning. Morning.
00:24:10Cholton for Pope. Long may you reign. Amen.
00:24:15What's going on? Pound's up again.
00:24:18Oh, God. Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Yeah. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does. Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:30Why do we always do that? Ninety-three times a day? We never see anything.
00:24:51We never see anything.
00:24:53We never see anything.
00:24:54We never see anything.
00:24:55We're not going to die.
00:24:56We never see anything.
00:24:57We never see anything.
00:24:58...
00:25:06Three-one more, yes, as the sun was rising
00:25:11I heard the maiden singing In the falling below
00:25:17My typing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That medal's the greatest.
00:25:28Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:25:58Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:04Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is...
00:26:10Oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot?
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh. My lot.
00:26:25At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:35It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:06It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:17Fantastic.
00:27:18I want to know all about you.
00:27:19That's what it's all about.
00:27:20For example, with things in common already.
00:27:21Definitely.
00:27:22Like what?
00:27:24We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:25Right.
00:27:26Right.
00:27:27And do.
00:27:28How do you work there?
00:27:29I want to know all about you.
00:27:30But what's it?
00:27:31I want to know all about you.
00:27:32It's terrifyingly exciting, isn't it, getting to know a person.
00:27:33Fantastic.
00:27:34I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:36For example, with things in common already.
00:27:37I want to know all about you.
00:27:38For example, there are things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:55And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07The pressure counts Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:11I don't know.
00:28:12I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:23I do.
00:28:25What now?
00:28:28No.
00:28:30Just, just sometimes.
00:28:33Yes, I do.
00:28:36It's such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know others.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:45He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:25He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:28It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:32It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:34Men can do anything.
00:29:36Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:42Anything!
00:29:44Geoffrey!
00:29:45No spells no!
00:29:46It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:47Read any women's magazine.
00:29:48It's good for theirs too.
00:29:49I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:29:50I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:29:51All Saturdays.
00:29:52Beryl.
00:29:53Oh, Beryl.
00:29:54Oh, Beryl.
00:29:56Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bonball.
00:29:58Oh, Beryl!
00:29:59Oh, Bev!
00:30:01Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon!
00:30:02Oh, Beryl!
00:30:03Oh, Geoffrey, bобыbles bonbon!
00:30:05Oh, Beryl!
00:30:07Oh, Geoffrey!
00:30:09Oh!
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:14Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back. They're better. It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:40I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:57Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:02That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:08Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:11It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday?
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:30Is that who I think it is?
00:31:33No, dear.
00:31:45Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:50Sardine sandwich.
00:31:51Is it all sardine?
00:31:52Yeah.
00:31:53She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:04What?
00:32:05I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:06What's happening in the world?
00:32:07I blame the politicians.
00:32:08What for?
00:32:09For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:20I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:29The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:32I have this little baker down the road.
00:32:35He does something with the bleach.
00:32:39Yes.
00:32:46I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:49Your mind goes blank.
00:32:54It's not thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:01Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:05Every girl in Manchester nearly.
00:33:08Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:11Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:15All sorts.
00:33:17Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:23Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:38Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Quite in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:44Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:51You're lucky.
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:54Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:07So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:11In the end Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:13He thumped you?
00:34:15Walloped you one?
00:34:17No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thumped me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:36There isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:48Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too, it was real.
00:35:14Psychedelic.
00:35:16You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:18I was scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:22Groovy.
00:35:24I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:29It's been a gasp.
00:35:30You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well rid, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:55You'll never thump me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:00Ow!
00:36:02Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:06Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:21Two months?
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:29The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:41Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:43Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:46Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:49Often.
00:36:50Often.
00:36:51Let's go.
00:37:21Let's go.
00:37:51You, uh...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, uh...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Uh...
00:38:10Oh, hell no.
00:38:11That's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:14Where are you off?
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Yeah.
00:39:03I haven't really looked.
00:39:09You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49Oh, my gosh.
00:41:14what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation and dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing Jeffrey Milleup returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:25I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework no they just mark it anyone can mark it they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Stephen
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you say no no I do say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well
00:43:58and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with
00:44:08the female egg the others don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well
00:44:39people do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:14goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning
00:45:31hey Veronica
00:45:35yes
00:45:36who the hell's Uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42goodnight love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we
00:45:49and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day
00:46:06tomorrow
00:46:07no
00:46:08tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:12I'm not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens
00:46:21the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:24this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:31hope I like it
00:46:32well thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51goodnight love
00:46:53goodnight love
00:46:54try a barrel
00:46:55try a barrel
00:46:56try a barrel
00:47:00a barrel
00:47:05ring
00:47:06toward you
00:47:06you
00:47:06after
00:47:07opening
00:47:08the
00:47:11glass
00:47:11and
00:47:11he
00:47:13out
00:47:13when he
00:47:15saw it
00:47:15might share it
00:47:16bad
00:47:17no
00:47:18the previous generation?
00:47:26What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33What we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum. I'll take you out another night. Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:46I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49You always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad. And we don't complain. No, Dad.
00:47:57But last night was different. I knew you'd understand.
00:48:16I knew you'd understand.
00:48:19I knew you'd hear about the old man.
00:48:23I knew you'd hear about the old man.
00:48:25I'll be back.
00:48:27I'll be back.
00:48:29Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Long me around.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:37Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:39You should know.
00:48:41Or me.
00:48:43You know what I mean?
00:48:45What a night.
00:48:47Wow.
00:48:49A lot.
00:48:51Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:55Hey lads.
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:01It's true.
00:49:03Yes Geoffrey.
00:49:05It is.
00:49:07Yes Geoffrey.
00:49:13Bloody is.
00:49:15Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl please.
00:49:19It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:21You had to invite him.
00:49:23It's cruel.
00:49:25What's the other girls?
00:49:27I shan't take him back Sandra.
00:49:29I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:35Don't know much about men do you love?
00:49:39It was doing him a kindness really.
00:49:51Finally splitting up.
00:49:53He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:55Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:57Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:49:59The entire navy had gone strike.
00:50:01I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:03I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:05She might have changed of course.
00:50:07If she has I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:09He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:11Otherwise I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:13Well I'm certainly not going to have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:15Well I'm certainly not going to have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:19At least I've got me pride.
00:50:21I left with Beryl.
00:50:23The navy had gone strike.
00:50:25I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:27I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:29She might have changed of course.
00:50:31If she has I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:35Otherwise I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:39Well I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:43He's still got me pride.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi. Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United. We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with him.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21How's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again, Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You laugh. Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:45She's putting on an axe.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:07Probably.
00:52:07Geoffrey always looks out for sleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:21I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:37This cat gets it together where it's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:50don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:53Hmm?
00:52:54Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:14And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:35Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:44Mine?
00:53:44If so, what's death?
00:53:47Erm.
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm.
00:54:02No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05Are you married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:26Good job.
00:54:28I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:32What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cassinova.
00:54:44What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:47Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty gritties, Phil.
00:55:00Okay?
00:55:00Mm.
00:55:01Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:16A marriage certificate.
00:55:18A dog's license.
00:55:19Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage.
00:55:24And a wide wedding.
00:55:26Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Balls!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinists.
00:56:06Pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberated society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:17Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:35Oh, wow.
00:56:38We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52You see, I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:04What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:12Right, that's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:34Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:01Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:04You should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:34I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:54Do you know...
00:58:55Come on, Beryl.
00:58:56She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Jeffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:15Usually.
00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:34Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Geoffrey?
00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:02It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:13Call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.
01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:23What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:35It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:40Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:54Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:13Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:40I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:01:54Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I?
01:02:18Good morning.
01:02:37Come on.
01:02:38I love you.
01:02:40I love you.
01:02:44Good morning.
01:02:45A barrel, a barrel.
01:03:15Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, barrel.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:42Hello.
01:03:44At this afternoon's meeting...
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:53I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:09I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20Don't lie.
01:04:22That's a small world.
01:04:37A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely.
01:05:02Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:07You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:37Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:55With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:58Told you.
01:05:58Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home.
01:06:25They've won three, drawn five and lost twelve.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Yeah.
01:06:50Never mind.
01:07:03It's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15Yeah!
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch the show.
01:07:20Watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes.
01:07:39Well, boys are very...
01:07:41And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:50Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29Fantastic.
01:08:38The Cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:39I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:11I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage.
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:57Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:00Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:03My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:08What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:13What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:15Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it'd have given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:35Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married, and what N.O. spells, and what N.O. spells. Great! I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute. End it now. Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:02Good, weren't he?
01:12:03Terrific. Especially when he said good night.
01:12:07We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:13Being happy!
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:38Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:40You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage, twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:44Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:45Right?
01:12:46Right.
01:12:47Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:12:49Amen.
01:12:50Oh, hell.
01:12:51Hands up again.
01:12:52See you tomorrow.
01:12:53Do you think you're going?
01:12:54Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:12:57It's important.
01:12:59What is?
01:13:01I keep asking you what is.
01:13:03What is.
01:13:04To be on our own.
01:13:06What?
01:13:07So as we can talk.
01:13:09What?
01:13:10So as we can talk.
01:13:11What?
01:13:12What?
01:13:13So as we can talk.
01:13:14What?
01:13:15What?
01:13:16I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:33You've had a speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:44morning. The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think. Last night I
01:13:52dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals
01:13:55past me. Grace who? She was playing for United as well. Weird, isn't it?
01:14:02The main thing is, we do communicate. Oh, we do.
01:14:23See what I think? Go on. No, you. Mine wasn't important. No, mine wasn't.
01:14:32Beryl, are you happy? Of course. Very. I am. No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:57No. I'm not.
01:15:07Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:09Probably. I've not actually said the words often. Well, not in so many words. Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:23Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:39No. I don't think so. Honestly, no.
01:15:43Nothing. If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it. If there isn't anything, honest.
01:15:49Good. It wouldn't upset me. It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:57Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:07Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:11If I did, I'd stop. To please you.
01:16:19I see.
01:16:21There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey. In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother. Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:36Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know. You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:16:59Ask any opinion poll. I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl. You do. I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:22Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:25Especially for the 600th time. That they really dig.
01:17:28You never say dig.
01:17:30I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about. That's really loveable.
01:17:38I never knew you thought that.
01:17:40Neither did I.
01:17:42Do now, though.
01:17:44I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:54I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:00There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:06I don't even remember.
01:18:08I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:28Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:32I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:36At all.
01:18:50Oh, goodbye then.
01:18:52Good luck.
01:18:54Peace, ma'am.
01:18:58St Anne's Square.
01:19:00St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:02So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:18And what else do I need?
01:19:20Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:22A teething ring?
01:19:24Wedding ring?
01:19:26Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous plans in the shops these days.
01:19:30No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:32Oh, sorry.
01:19:34What about?
01:19:36Skip it.
01:19:38About time, too.
01:19:40With her sympathy.
01:19:42Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:46But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandra, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:52Yeah.
01:19:54We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:58Of course we do.
01:20:00How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:06Ace.
01:20:08She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:16A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:18Wow!
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:34Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:38Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yep.
01:20:42Coming to the crutch.
01:20:43Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no-one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:03It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:14And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:17Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:19Fine.
01:21:20This is fine enough.
01:21:21Here?
01:21:22About there, lovely.
01:21:24You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:26Wow.
01:21:27Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:29Whew.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:36Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40All right, now.
01:21:41A nice family group with the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:51You?
01:21:52Never better.
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:56A little bit like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:05It's tuna fish.
01:22:06It's tuna fish.
01:22:07It's tuna fish.
01:22:08It's tuna fish.
01:22:09It's tuna fish.
01:22:10I see, President.
01:22:11Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:12It was before we ever met.
01:22:15I know.
01:22:16Why?
01:22:17Has something happened about it?
01:22:18No.
01:22:19No?
01:22:20Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:23Hmm.
01:22:24Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to
01:22:29the moon.
01:22:30Nixon.
01:22:31Nixon?
01:22:33Why is he going?
01:22:35No.
01:22:37The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:45We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:49Good, isn't it? Shows we're friends.
01:22:52Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:22:58We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, meself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:12Aw. I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:15I hope not. It's marvellous.
01:23:17Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:21Thank you, love.
01:23:23Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:34Fantastic.
01:23:35For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:45In bed a bit.
01:23:50And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:54and marry her three days later.
01:23:58We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:01I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:03Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:07Where's she going?
01:24:08Hospital.
01:24:13Well...
01:24:14We'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:19APPLAUSE
01:24:21With Sandra.
01:24:33Thank you so much.
01:24:36Oh, you've been waiting for a show.
01:24:37Thanks.
01:24:38We'll see you next time.
01:24:39Thank you so much.
01:24:40Thank you so much.
01:24:42Thank you so much.
01:24:43Thank you so much.
01:24:44Thank you so much.
01:24:45Thank you so much.
01:24:46Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:16It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:17It's the same thing.
01:25:18It's the same thing.
01:25:19It's the same thing.
01:25:20It's the same thing.
01:25:39Hi.
01:25:41When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months.
01:25:46Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00I don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:26:09Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:13Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well, if you like.
01:26:21Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:23Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:40You could go in goal.
01:26:45Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:49Well, we're certainly much happier with our friends.
01:26:51It's amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:52Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:16Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:24Anyone, really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:44Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:52Beryl!
01:27:56Beryl!
01:27:58Beryl!
01:28:00Beryl!
01:28:02Beryl!
01:28:04Beryl!
01:28:06Beryl!
01:28:08Beryl!
01:28:10Beryl!
01:28:12Beryl!
01:28:13Beryl!
01:28:14Beryl!
01:28:15Beryl!
01:28:16Beryl!
01:28:17Beryl!
01:28:18Beryl!
01:28:19Beryl!
01:28:20Beryl!
01:28:21Beryl!
01:28:22Beryl!
01:28:23Beryl!
01:28:25Beryl!
01:28:26Beryl!
01:28:28Beryl!
01:28:29Beryl!
01:28:30Beryl!
01:28:31Beryl!
01:28:32Beryl!
01:28:33Beryl!
01:28:34Beryl!
01:28:35Beryl!
01:28:36Beryl!
01:28:37Beryl!
01:28:38Beryl!
01:28:39Together's fun
01:28:43When the crying's dark
01:28:48Love and rainy weather
01:28:53Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:03Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:24Love and rainy weather
01:29:28These conditions areFT
01:29:32The Prologue God
01:29:35The Amount
01:29:37which means all children
01:29:38We are the leader of9
01:29:40some children
01:29:42with children
01:29:43we are the most
01:29:47in this state.
01:29:48With We are heart for
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