- 6 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26Jesus! God is Lord!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, Neil, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no. That little birdie dust standing here.
00:02:13Come on.
00:02:14Come on. You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24But I feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any, except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:51Thanks. Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:59About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:03To his granddad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:07You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:33Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Majorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:19I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:24Don't you worry.
00:04:25Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:27But they go together fine.
00:04:31Don't you worry?
00:04:32Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:35But they go together fine.
00:04:38I'm Beryl.
00:04:39I'm Beryl.
00:04:40I'm Beryl.
00:04:41I'm Beryl.
00:04:42Don't worry, love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine, every single time.
00:04:58Love and rainy weather, first you're up there, on another plane and then you're nowhere, and the tears are raining down, it's a run around, love and rainy weather, sure can get you down.
00:05:28Not going twisting tonight then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays. Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night? Every night.
00:06:01They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:17They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:24Now, that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:26And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:30It's his birthright.
00:06:34I'm not hungry.
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:56I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:00I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:04No, really.
00:07:06I really do.
00:07:08Some people don't.
00:07:10I do.
00:07:12Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:18Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your 6-0 levels.
00:07:28You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:32I never touched you.
00:07:34Terrific self-control.
00:07:36What did you say your name was?
00:08:02Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:56Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05You're almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:26I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:40Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:44Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:48It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:49Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:50What?
00:09:51Got it.
00:09:52Got what?
00:09:54You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:09:56I say I do.
00:09:57You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:09:59How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:00No, I don't.
00:10:01Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:02Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:04It does not.
00:10:05I thought it did.
00:10:06Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:07I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:08I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:09I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:10I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:11I don't know.
00:10:12I don't know if I ever want to see you again.
00:10:13I don't know if I ever want to see you again.
00:10:14I say I do.
00:10:15You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:16How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:32I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:37And cooking.
00:10:38And cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her mother.
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:45We're just good friends.
00:10:47Good night.
00:11:02Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:10Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Martin!
00:11:15Martin!
00:11:16Martin!
00:11:17Martin!
00:11:18Martin!
00:11:19Martin!
00:11:20Martin!
00:11:21Martin!
00:11:22Martin!
00:11:23Martin!
00:11:24Martin!
00:11:25Martin!
00:11:26Martin!
00:11:27Martin!
00:11:28Martin!
00:11:29About time and all.
00:11:30Aye.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Martin!
00:11:34Martin!
00:11:35Martin!
00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I stayed in for a change.
00:11:42Martin!
00:11:43Did you get much?
00:11:45Martin!
00:11:46Did you?
00:11:48Martin!
00:11:49Martin!
00:11:50Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:54Not that I have done.
00:11:56I stayed in for a change instead.
00:11:59Martin!
00:12:00Did you money?
00:12:01Did you take the kit?
00:12:02Don't buy your cambiar or loan from your kind or go, see the inside.
00:12:03Boy?
00:12:04Again here.
00:12:05It's a safe lesson!
00:12:06It's a safe lesson.
00:12:07It might not be i Happened by the floor!
00:12:17Ticket!
00:12:18I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:19All right!
00:12:20We end up late.
00:12:21I will see you behind the goal then!
00:12:24Martin!
00:12:25Martin!
00:12:26Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her, snooty old bag.
00:12:49Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:53Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights. Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night, you can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match. I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:20Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi!
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you. No, Normie.
00:13:33Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah. Not specially, no. You going that?
00:13:39Yeah, well, erm, no. I was sort of...
00:13:42Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you? Shopping.
00:13:49I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:51I am. Which?
00:13:52Which are you? Any.
00:13:54I am.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you? Any.
00:13:58I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:07Tonight?
00:14:08Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, er...
00:14:11All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:13Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs. A lot of them.
00:14:28Ahem.
00:14:30Ahem.
00:14:32Ahem.
00:14:34Ahem.
00:14:36Ahem.
00:14:38Ahem.
00:14:40Ahem.
00:14:41Ahem.
00:14:45Each score.
00:14:47Close it. 3-1.
00:14:48One.
00:14:49Excuse me, I...
00:15:19I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:44Are you and Beryl, um, you know...
00:15:49You know.
00:15:52Oh.
00:16:02Would you, uh...
00:16:04What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:08Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:13I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:17Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:23You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's ravenous.
00:16:27You've just eaten.
00:16:30Oh, of course.
00:16:31Yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:35You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:40Probably by implication.
00:16:42Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:46You see?
00:16:47Yes.
00:16:50Was he the errand boy?
00:16:51Was who the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:54He directed it.
00:16:56Oh, yes.
00:16:59I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:15And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:18Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex?
00:17:25Marriage.
00:17:27Pardon?
00:17:28The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:36I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:40Getting married?
00:17:41Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:44Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:59Percy Filth?
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:09Not Percy Filth motivated?
00:18:11No.
00:18:13Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:42I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:01Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:02Ah.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:04Nice house.
00:19:0625-year mortgage.
00:19:07Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:09Funny, isn't it?
00:19:10First date with someone.
00:19:11It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:12Either nothing.
00:19:13Or something.
00:19:14Or something.
00:19:15Or everything.
00:19:16Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:17Don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:18You're not.
00:19:19No, I'm not.
00:19:20No, I'm not.
00:19:21Don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:22well thanks for seeing me home funny isn't it first date with someone it always
00:19:32leads to one of three things either nothing or something
00:19:39or everything well don't think about Percy Filth at this stage Beryl
00:19:47no I'm not I won't give you me phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females
00:20:08what is it 327 double 421 the easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five which is two
00:20:15less than seven then two fours and half of four which is two and half of two which is one
00:20:19um but you mustn't ring me if you don't want no but you can if you do do you want me to not if
00:20:26you'd rather not 327 double 421 good night
00:20:56well hello mrs. Battersby Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea oh they all of a past life flashed before
00:21:06me then can't be Mother's Day you'd have forgotten has there been any clips mom I want the benefit of
00:21:19your experience what you think of Andy Warhol you see Jeffrey has this theory that by implication
00:21:27who's Jeffrey of course Jeffrey knows about these things oh these things everything who's Jeffrey
00:21:35he's fantastically intelligent see Jeffrey's idea better who's Jeffrey oh no one
00:21:43no one's special
00:21:49his name's Jeffrey how did this Beryl Bird turn out last night then what Beryl Bird I told him did she uh
00:22:05does she yell what wow she doesn't then you don't listen do you I said how about Sandra
00:22:20chips not seeing him tonight then
00:22:36who
00:22:40I've rather better things to do thank you
00:22:47said he was no one special
00:22:57got a phone here
00:22:59why
00:23:01they haven't have they
00:23:04do you want to get some nookie lined up or something
00:23:07if I did do you think I'd be playing darts with you two
00:23:10look are you fed up here
00:23:12are you
00:23:14we'll split after this game anything you say
00:23:17and go for a few of the king's head
00:23:18great
00:23:20and that ends our pro
00:23:22well
00:23:23monday tomorrow
00:23:25hallelujah
00:23:26pardon
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone but whatever it is you're being done
00:23:31good night
00:23:32good night
00:23:47good morning
00:24:01good morning
00:24:01good night
00:24:02good night
00:24:03good night
00:24:04good night
00:24:05good night
00:24:07good night
00:24:08good night
00:24:09good night
00:24:10good night
00:24:11good night
00:24:12good night
00:24:13good night
00:24:14good night
00:24:15good night
00:24:16good night
00:24:17good night
00:24:18good night
00:24:19good night
00:24:20good night
00:24:21good night
00:24:22good night
00:24:23good night
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday. So close.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:46Why do we always do that? 93 times a day?
00:24:51We never say anything.
00:24:54I can't wait to hear you.
00:25:07It's free one morning, just as the sun is rising.
00:25:12I heard the maidens singing in the valley low.
00:25:17My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope!
00:25:20See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:23Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35Neville promises he's going to take this trip out and film this.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:25:53Five, five, which is, which is, three and two is five, which is two less than seven, which is, oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:19Your lot?
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh, my lot.
00:26:26At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:35It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:48Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:53Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:46We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:54And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:06Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:09Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just, just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:36Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know a person.
00:28:44Mm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed,
00:28:52his stride quietly casual,
00:28:55his eyes clear and confident,
00:28:57and his strong mouth ready to break
00:28:59into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey,
00:29:08you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else
00:29:25when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:28It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, N-O spells no!
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:02Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:15Oh, Geoffrey, Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:23Are you all right?
00:30:23What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just heard a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:36They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:45It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:33No, dear.
00:31:46Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:54She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:14I'm talking to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:40I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:50Your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:05Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:07Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:15All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:32Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:00Who needs drama?
00:34:01Who needs drama?
00:34:04So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:20You never thumped me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14Psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-read, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to pass it now?
00:36:08No, we're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48I don't know how you do it.
00:36:49I don't know how you do it.
00:36:49I don't know how you do it.
00:36:50I don't know how you do it.
00:36:50I don't know how you do it.
00:36:51I don't know how you do it.
00:36:51I don't know how you do it.
00:36:52I don't know how you do it.
00:36:52I don't know how you do it.
00:36:53I don't know how you do it.
00:36:53I don't know how you do it.
00:36:54I don't know how you do it.
00:36:54I don't know how you do it.
00:36:55I don't know how you do it.
00:36:56I don't know how you do it.
00:36:57I don't know how you do it.
00:36:58I don't know how you do it.
00:36:59I don't know how you do it.
00:37:00I don't know how you do it.
00:37:01I don't know how you do it.
00:37:32John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, uh...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, uh...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Uh...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:40And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:52What?
00:38:53Did she turn you on?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Yeah.
00:39:06I haven't really looked.
00:39:09You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:32I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:34They aren't all after Percy, Philse.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:44Oh, you were terrific, Uncle Ross.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:31It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49But he had a very nice.
00:41:11I don't know.
00:41:12what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the art of
00:41:44conversation ain't dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:01testing testing Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:31I'm fed up who are you who are you what you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no they just market anyone can market they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Stephen this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do don't my mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake him up and tell him
00:43:28Jeremy little boys need sleep even big astronauts do you know where babies come from
00:43:38do you say no no I do say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood
00:43:51cells and erectile glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has
00:43:57well and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the female egg the others
00:44:10don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class people can only make babies at certain times of the year but animals like
00:44:26dogs and cats and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time
00:44:29no that's people what is well people do it all the time whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork good night Jeremy 25p 50 50
00:45:03good night uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning
00:45:31hey Veronica yes who the hell's uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning a friend of Jeremy's he's going now
00:45:42good night love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we and how
00:45:51you can't win them all can you anyway do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day tomorrow tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where
00:46:16I'm joining the wrens for three years
00:46:18what wrens
00:46:21the Royal Navy's wrens
00:46:23this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors hope I like it
00:46:32well thanks thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead in a way really almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have only better
00:46:51good night love
00:46:53try our barrel
00:46:55morning previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast
00:47:27you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night something cropped up
00:47:41like what
00:47:42dad you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00I knew you'd understand
00:48:30Charlton for Pope
00:48:31long me around
00:48:32amen
00:48:33what's going on
00:48:34pounds down again
00:48:36up and down like a fair of knickers
00:48:38you should know
00:48:40or me
00:48:42know what I mean
00:48:44what a night
00:48:46wow
00:48:47a lot
00:48:49including action replays in slow motion
00:48:53hey lads I picked up a bit of spare last night
00:48:59who didn't
00:49:00no it's true
00:49:01yes Geoffrey
00:49:03it is
00:49:05yes Geoffrey
00:49:07bloody is
00:49:13poor Geoffrey
00:49:17Beryl please
00:49:18it's Neville's engagement party as well
00:49:20you had to invite him
00:49:21he'll see me
00:49:23it's cruel
00:49:24he'll see other girls
00:49:26I shan't take him back Sandra
00:49:28I shan't
00:49:30it's been two weeks
00:49:31he may have got over you by now
00:49:33don't know much about men do you love
00:49:37it was doing him a kindness really
00:49:39finally splitting up
00:49:41he only had one ambition in life
00:49:43send my knickers to Oxfam
00:49:45send my knickers to Oxfam
00:50:17If she hasn't joined the Wrens, the entire Navy would go on strike.
00:50:21I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:24I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:28She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby. Oh, hi. Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United. We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with him.
00:51:15Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:23Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:27It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again, Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh. Everybody laughs. It's the story of my life.
00:51:40You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:52What do you care?
00:51:54I don't have all babies.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:18Working in a bank.
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:26I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:42What's a beautiful bag, baby?
00:52:46So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:49don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:57Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:08I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:33Great to dance to.
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:39Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:43Pardon?
00:53:45If so, what's death?
00:53:47Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:53:59Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:02But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:20You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:25Good job.
00:54:26I really dirt you.
00:54:28I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:39Casinova.
00:54:41What's that like?
00:54:43This.
00:54:45Oh, come on now.
00:54:47You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:49Let's get this...
00:54:51What's the word?
00:54:53Let's get it clear.
00:54:55Let's get down to the real nitty-grittiesville, okay?
00:54:56Mm.
00:54:58Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:00Papers, yeah.
00:55:02What papers?
00:55:04A marriage certificate.
00:55:05A dog's license.
00:55:06Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:08Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:11All girls want marriage.
00:55:12And a white wedding.
00:55:14Really basic.
00:55:15You want to be really basic.
00:55:16Utterly basic.
00:55:18Bulls.
00:55:20Gras?
00:55:22Enid.
00:55:24When Sandra says,
00:55:26I'm not going to do this.
00:55:28I'm not going to do this.
00:55:30I'm not going to do this.
00:55:32I'm not going to do this.
00:55:33I'm not going to do this.
00:55:35I'm not going to do this.
00:55:36When Sandra says every girl,
00:55:37she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course,
00:55:42because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Bulls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55Bulls!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:03I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:11Feral, Gras.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:17Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:21It's all right.
00:56:22It's a pleasure.
00:56:24Gras?
00:56:25Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:26Why not?
00:56:27No, you're not to smoke it.
00:56:37Oh, wow.
00:56:39We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46Just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:51You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:56You see...
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:12Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:48I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:53Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:01Passionate when roused.
00:58:03Yeah.
00:58:06She packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:08You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:20It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:38I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:39Oh, sorry.
00:58:41Do you know...
00:58:43What, Beryl?
00:58:44She can ask me anything.
00:58:46Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:58:47No.
00:58:48He's upstairs, I think.
00:58:49Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:58:51Usually.
00:58:53I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:55I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:57Oh, sorry.
00:58:58I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:59I don't think I've washed that one.
00:59:00Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:12See, they're dry on their own.
00:59:15Usually.
00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:31She said...
00:59:35Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:42Oh!
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Geoffrey?
00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:05It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:12Oh.
01:00:14Call Dr. Weisberg.
01:00:16Quilmslow Road.
01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It wasn't.
01:00:36It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:49Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:50Well...
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind.
01:01:02If you've had a nice time.
01:01:04Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:09Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:21Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:44I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:02:13Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17I know either.
01:02:44I know.
01:03:08A barrel.
01:03:10A barrel.
01:03:15Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:31Hello.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:52It was a note of protest.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:06It's me.
01:04:07Who?
01:04:08My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:10Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:11I'm beginning to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20A small world.
01:04:21I'm having trouble.
01:04:22I want a small world.
01:04:40I'll have trouble.
01:04:42Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:07You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:13I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam? Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam. I'll leave it then.
01:05:37Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me? A football match? With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:01Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot?
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The... the fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:28drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:58Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:04I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:08I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to Watch United. I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl. Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, uh, well, uh, boys are very safe. And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean, uh, permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:55Kissing, cuddling, things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:06Not too much, I hope.
01:08:08Oh, God.
01:08:09Boys are very funny.
01:08:11They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:38The Cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:59Do I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16All right.
01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:29I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:39I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking
01:09:52she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry.
01:10:40No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:35Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what NO spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what NO spells.
01:11:46And what NO spells.
01:11:48Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't it?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:13Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:31That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:12:59Right!
01:13:01You're Jesus Christ Superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:03Oh, hell.
01:13:04Oh, hell.
01:13:05Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:08Do you think you're going?
01:13:17Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:19It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you, what is?
01:13:28What is?
01:13:29To be on our own.
01:13:31What?
01:13:33So as we can talk.
01:13:35I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:48The only bit I can remember is and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:57Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:00The main thing is we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face do I want you to do?
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:48happy?
01:14:49Course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:54I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:58I'm not.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:39No, I don't think so.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:51It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:54It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:30Your mother.
01:16:33Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells,
01:17:26especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:30You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really loveable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59Used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:33Think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:18:56St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:13So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:21Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:23A teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:26Of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous plans in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:37Oh, skip it.
01:19:40About time, too, with a sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:09She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:00Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:34Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:45I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:54That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21No?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:43We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.
01:22:57We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh, I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:15I hope not.
01:23:16It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:55and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:10Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:40Hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon Geoffrey.
01:25:04Is Beryl there please? She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now. Well it's the same thing isn't it?
01:25:34Hi. When's the kick off? In about three months. Football season's over now Beryl.
01:25:48What on earth did you want to come for? I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:56Where will you go now then? Don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you? Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey it's like the countryside isn't it when it's empty? Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well. If you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh I meant just as friends. Yeah I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change isn't it?
01:26:51OK.
01:26:52Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:52You will.
01:27:53You are safe.
01:27:59You are safe.
01:28:05You are safe.
01:28:11You are safe.
01:28:14And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:32Love and rainy weather
01:29:34Love and rainy weather
01:29:36Love and rainy weather
01:29:37Love and rainy weather
01:29:38Love and rainy weather
01:29:39Love and rainy weather
01:29:40Love and rainy weather
01:29:41Love and rainy weather
01:29:42Love and rainy weather
01:29:43Love and rainy weather
01:29:44Love and rainy weather
01:29:45Love and rainy weather
01:29:46Love and rainy weather
01:29:47Love and rainy weather
01:29:48Love and rainy weather
01:29:49Love and rainy weather
01:29:50Love and rainy weather
01:29:51Love and rainy weather
01:29:52Love and rainy weather
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