- 3 months ago
Sam
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
00:04Beep.
00:12Hallucination.
00:13Hallucination.
00:16Excuse me.
00:24Tea?
00:26Got anything stronger?
00:27Oh, it's strong tea. It's a special blend.
00:30Good?
00:35Yeah.
00:36A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.
00:38Whenever I want.
00:39You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?
00:43Good for one thing, and one thing only.
00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.
00:49I guess he forgot to give me my present.
00:51Oh, my God.
00:52Oh, my God.
01:08Shit.
01:10Shit.
01:11Hi, can I help you?
01:15Where's Doc?
01:16I'm sorry, who are you here to see?
01:18Doc?
01:19Dr. Andrew Bellamy, OB-GYN.
01:21It says it right there on the door.
01:22Well, Dr. Bellamy's with a patient right now.
01:24Okay.
01:25Well, I need to see him.
01:26Now.
01:27Okay, young lady.
01:28Please calm yourself down.
01:29Yes.
01:30Please.
01:31Oh, mind your own business, Miss STD!
01:34Okay, you know what?
01:35I will set up an appointment for you.
01:37Hey!
01:38Don't mess with me, bitch!
01:40Doc!
01:41Look what fucking happened to me, dude!
01:42Look at me!
01:43Miss!
01:44Please!
01:45I am in the middle of an examination here.
01:46Would you tell Trashmouth Sally here to wait her turn?
01:47Oh, shut the hell up, lady!
01:48Doc!
01:49Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security.
01:51Angie, that won't be necessary.
01:53Help me with Miss Goldfarb here.
01:54We're gonna move you to another room.
01:55Thank you, Doc.
01:56Thank you, Dr. and Angie.
01:57What a yuck!
01:58No!
01:59Angie, I won't be long.
02:01Doc, I don't know what happened, man.
02:02I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad!
02:04Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building.
02:06Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:07Doc, you can be able to get help if you could get help if you could get help if you could
02:09get help or get help.
02:10Light on the door, it's like, okay?
02:11Why aren't you going to help me?
02:12Just say I don't even know what happened, man.
02:13I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad!
02:14I'm so happy to help you.
02:15Angie, what a yuck, no!
02:17Angie, I won't be long.
02:18Doc, I don't know what happened, man.
02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building.
02:23Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:25Doc, you gotta believe me.
02:26I feel like I'm in this nightmare.
02:28Like, I just keep waiting to wake up.
02:31Dude, it's me.
02:33It's Sam.
02:34Women are demented.
02:36They babble incoherently.
02:37They cry at the drop of a hat.
02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.
02:41There's Sam Wellman, expert opinion on women.
02:44Damn straight.
02:45There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat.
02:47It's about time you found yourself a nice woman and you settled down, huh?
02:53Like you and Cynthia?
02:54Don't go there.
02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris you haven't banged yet?
03:01I got a hot one tonight, Doc.
03:04Sam.
03:05Sam!
03:05Sam Wellman, your best friend!
03:08Okay, very good.
03:10How much is he paying you?
03:12Ask me something.
03:13Ask me anything.
03:13Oh!
03:15You were nine years old.
03:16You showed it to Lauren Abramsky.
03:18She kicked you in the nuts.
03:18You told your mom you fell off the swing.
03:20He told you that?
03:21I was there, dude.
03:22I practically carried you home.
03:24Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?
03:25I am that prick!
03:28Oh!
03:32DNA!
03:33Miss, please put down the scissors.
03:35Doc, DNA.
03:37DNA, get a DNA test done.
03:38Great, please, the scissors before someone gets hurt.
03:41Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit.
03:43We get a DNA test done.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Okay, sure.
03:47Great.
03:48Now, give me the scissors and go home and get some rest.
03:50Huh?
03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it.
03:52You'll do it right away.
03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave, it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.
03:56Yeah, okay.
03:56Yeah, sure.
03:57Great.
03:57Okay, but you're gonna do it.
03:58Uh-huh.
03:59Okay.
03:59Just relax.
04:00Okay.
04:01Go home.
04:02Okay.
04:02Get some rest.
04:03All right.
04:08Fucking Sam.
04:10Jesus.
04:14Hey, Lou, what's up?
04:14Excuse me, can I help you?
04:16Uh, I can't right now, Lou.
04:17I got a situation.
04:18Excuse me, miss.
04:19Uh.
04:20You're here to see who?
04:23Oh, right.
04:24I'm sorry.
04:25I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
04:28I, uh, gave you the keys.
04:30Yeah, Sam, he's a great guy.
04:33Uh-huh.
04:34Yeah, he'd let me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit.
04:37That's great, miss...
04:38Samantha Wellman.
04:40Samantha Wellman.
04:41Lou, but you knew that already.
04:44Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.
04:47Is that right?
04:47Yeah.
04:59Doc!
04:59I knew that you called.
05:01Dude, yo, yo, yo, you get those test results back yet?
05:04Look.
05:05I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady, but this stopped being funny a long time ago.
05:10Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:12Doc!
05:13Come on!
05:13Dude, it's me!
05:14It's Sam!
05:14You gotta...
05:15Sam!
05:17Sam!
05:17Hey, baby.
05:19Hey, hey, hey.
05:21How's it going?
05:21Good.
05:23Aw.
05:23You gotta be kidding me.
05:34All right, lady, you win.
05:36Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:38Oh, my God.
05:38I am so sick of Sam.
05:43Okay.
05:45Okay.
05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snugly very quickly, or Susu is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's
05:52balls, and I guarantee you're not gonna like it.
05:55Boo-Boo, what's the matter?
05:57I'm sorry.
06:00I just left something at work.
06:02I have to go to work?
06:03Yeah.
06:03Yeah.
06:04At 11.30 at night?
06:14Oh, my God.
06:15It must be crazy.
06:29Fuck.
06:31Okay, but you'll process that right away.
06:33Rush job.
06:34I'll do my best.
06:35Maybe tomorrow.
06:37No promises.
06:38Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?
06:41Where the hell is he?
06:42We have a very important lunch meeting today.
06:44I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.
06:46Yes, and?
06:48And he hasn't answered, and he isn't answering his emails either.
06:54Now you slip with a fish is done, sheesh.
06:58Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.
07:07My cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day.
07:11She's got just as much experience as me, and can cover my accounts just as well as me until
07:16until I get back from, from, no, until I get back.
07:25Huh.
07:28Huh.
07:29Cousin Samantha, huh?
07:32Well, as long as she's hot.
07:42Morning, morning.
07:47Excuse me.
07:48Can I help you?
07:49Margaret.
07:53Do I know you?
07:55Right.
07:55Um, indirectly, I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
07:59Samantha.
08:00What a pleasure to meet you.
08:02Sam has just told me some.
08:05Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.
08:08That didn't come out right.
08:09Oh, no, no, no.
08:10No, no, no.
08:10It's fine.
08:11Um, see, Sam and I have a very complex relationship.
08:15But look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.
08:18Look, I hope everything is okay.
08:19With your family, I mean.
08:20Oh, yeah.
08:21Yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.
08:24I'm going to go see Mr. Cavallo.
08:26Sure.
08:26Let me show you.
08:27No, it's fine.
08:27I know.
08:29Sam.
08:31Right.
08:32Samantha Wellman.
08:33Sam's fine.
08:33Everything's good.
08:34He will be back soon.
08:36Nice to meet you, Miss Wellman.
08:37Oh, please, Mel.
08:39Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy.
08:41Cool?
08:42Yeah, up, up.
08:43Come on.
08:43Uh, go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?
08:46Sure.
08:47Look great in that dress.
08:48Oof.
08:54Sid.
08:55So.
08:57Samantha.
08:59So, Seymour.
09:01Welcome to the family.
09:03Yeah, no.
09:04Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?
09:07Let's not talk about business yet.
09:09We got to get to know each other, right?
09:10Family.
09:11One of the family.
09:12Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?
09:15Her ass?
09:16Exactly.
09:17No.
09:18Her eyes.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:22Okay.
09:22What?
09:23You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.
09:26Dinner tonight.
09:28Oh, you know what?
09:29I can't.
09:29I actually, I have plans.
09:31Cancel them.
09:33Yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go.
09:34I'm gonna go.
09:34I have to work.
09:37Work, work, work.
09:38You know, see you see.
09:39I'm gonna work.
09:40Who are those for, Sam?
09:47No, they're for you, Susu.
09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry.
09:54And one red rose for I love you.
09:57Oh.
10:02No.
10:04No.
10:05Just.
10:06Don't.
10:06Let me.
10:07Don't.
10:07Check really quick.
10:08See who it is.
10:10If that's Sam and you answer it, we are so over.
10:14Johnny, did you get the results?
10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.
10:18I've never seen such a spot-on correlation between male and female DNA.
10:22What?
10:23I've seen identical twins that were nowhere near this close.
10:25Now, um.
10:27Who do these belong to anyway?
10:29Thanks, Johnny.
10:31I owe you one.
10:33So, uh, what was that all about?
10:34If I'm not being too inquisitive.
10:37It's a long story.
10:40Good.
10:42So write me a letter.
10:43Okay.
10:45You son of a bitch.
10:47Okay.
10:48Okay, okay.
11:01Oh.
11:08Doc.
11:09Doc, did you hear?
11:10Yeah.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:11I heard.
11:12So now you believe me?
11:14I don't know what to believe.
11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?
11:17That's what the man said.
11:18Yes!
11:21Oh.
11:23I don't necessarily believe you.
11:27Okay, you dumb bastard.
11:29What more proof do you need?
11:30But I don't necessarily think that you're lying, either.
11:33I just...
11:34Jesus.
11:35Jesus.
11:36Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.
11:39That's what Sam always said.
11:43Said.
11:44Dude, I'm not dead.
11:45I'm standing right here.
11:46Oh, God.
11:47I need a drink.
11:47Jesus.
11:55Doc.
11:56You're my best friend.
11:59Actually, you're my only friend.
12:02Doc, you gotta believe me.
12:03Man, you gotta help me.
12:04I just...
12:05I don't know where to turn.
12:06I wanna...
12:08I wanna help you, Sam.
12:13Sam, that's a good start.
12:14But I don't know how.
12:16Well, God damned if I know!
12:20When did this happen?
12:23So I go into this little shop down in the village.
12:25I talk to some funny old dude.
12:28I go home.
12:29I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick.
12:30You remember where this place was?
12:33Well, I don't know exactly.
12:35Well, come on!
12:37Come on!
12:39So where's this magical shop?
12:42I'm telling you, this is the street.
12:46Sure.
12:48Um, excuse me.
12:49Hi, excuse me.
12:50I'm sorry, is there, um, like a little brick-a-brack shop on this street?
12:54A what?
12:54You know, like, um, uh, a shop with, like, a whole bunch of old crap in it.
12:58It'd be, like, 50 years ago.
12:59Uh, you know what the rent is like around here?
13:01You know what the rent is like around here?
13:06Yeah, yeah.
13:07Okay, okay, fine.
13:09Maybe it's not this street.
13:11Maybe you're not Sam.
13:12I have patience in the morning, and I'm gonna go.
13:14No, no, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.
13:15Just, can we meet tomorrow then?
13:18At our spot?
13:19You know what I'm talking about?
13:21I do, but do you?
13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.
13:24Well, deal?
13:28Cool.
13:38She even eats like him.
13:42All right, let's go to your office.
13:43I want you to examine me.
13:46What?
13:48No!
13:49No, ew!
13:49No way!
13:51Maybe you can find something.
13:53Like my cock.
13:55No.
13:56Why the hell not?
13:58Because it's weird, that's why.
14:01I'm not looking for your cock.
14:03I'll send you a referral or something.
14:05I don't want another gynecologist.
14:07I want you.
14:08You're my best friend.
14:10Nice talking to you.
14:17Yo, Z.
14:18Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.
14:23I'm sorry, who are you?
14:25Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.
14:28She's just filling in for Sam while he's off on some little sabbatical.
14:32Family business.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh, nothing serious.
14:36But excuse me, I gotta take a leak, a pee, a pit, I'm gonna use a little girl's room.
14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.
14:47Seymour.
14:48That girl needs a makeover.
14:53Yes, miss, what can I get you?
14:55Okay, um, let's see, a pint and a shot of whiskey, please.
14:59And, um, actually, can you give me the whiskey while you pull the pint?
15:02Certainly.
15:03Enjoy.
15:03You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink.
15:13A drink.
15:14Are you seri-
15:14Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?
15:17Hey, you don't have to get nasty.
15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.
15:21Maybe two.
15:21Okay, you know what?
15:23Barkeep.
15:24Here.
15:25Cancel the pint.
15:27Screw off, man.
15:29You're lost, baby.
15:37Oh.
15:40Ah!
15:48Let me just go.
15:50Get rid of whoever it is, right?
15:51Yeah!
15:57Yes.
15:57Jesus.
16:01Doc.
16:02Please, no.
16:04I'm bleeding.
16:05Now is not a good time.
16:07I have been hemorrhaging all night down there.
16:11You're menstruating.
16:13What?
16:13You're having your period.
16:15I'm riding the cotton pony!
16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize that office hours are not a good time?
16:20Doc, what am I gonna do?
16:21You buy yourself some tampons.
16:22Oh, my God.
16:23Okay, you need to leave right now.
16:24You need to get out of here.
16:25Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.
16:26Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?
16:33Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature talk to me like that.
16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe that I'm having this creature talking to me like that.
16:42Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on.
16:44Please, please.
16:45Do I have to throw you out myself?
16:47Oh, try it.
16:48I do kickboxing.
16:50Chick's only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?
16:55Yeah?
16:56Yeah.
16:57Stop it!
16:58Stop!
16:58Oh, stop!
17:00Oh, ah!
17:02No!
17:03Stop!
17:04Stop me!
17:05No!
17:06All right!
17:07Enough!
17:08Enough!
17:09Enough!
17:10She started it!
17:12Sam, I think you better go.
17:15Sam?
17:17Did you just call her Sam?
17:19Samantha.
17:20She's Sam's cousin.
17:23Oh, okay.
17:24Well, this makes perfect sense.
17:25Shut up!
17:26Why doesn't she go?
17:27Because she is my fiancé, and you are my patient.
17:33Don't ever do this.
17:36Wait, no.
17:37Can we just talk about this?
17:39Later.
17:40Well, wait, wait.
17:41But later, later, or never later?
17:42Just go.
17:45Wait.
17:53Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
18:03Oh, and don't forget the pearls!
18:09You're Samantha.
18:11My 1.30.
18:12Yeah, no.
18:14No.
18:15I'm a...
18:17I'm a...
18:18I gotta go.
18:19Come here.
18:23Turn around.
18:28My studio tomorrow at 3pm, and let's do try to be on time now.
18:31Shall we?
18:33Do you dare?
18:34Put these on.
18:37Uh, yeah, man, listen.
18:39Uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.
18:41I am here to teach you to be a girl.
18:46What?
19:04Laătta
19:07Let's do a secuțica...
19:09...
19:12Us we go.
19:14I'm not here for whimsy, man!
19:16Unãn.
19:18Andhés.
19:20Let's do a secuțica dance.
19:24I'm on TRAdministra.
19:55All right, Mrs. Smith.
20:16Doc, please just hear me out.
20:19No.
20:20Doc, please.
20:23You have five minutes.
20:24I paid for an hour.
20:25I'll reimburse you.
20:26Four minutes, 50 seconds.
20:28Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?
20:32Well, I tried calling you.
20:34I've tried emailing you.
20:35It's been two weeks.
20:37I was hoping you'd get the message.
20:39What message?
20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened
20:45and totally screwed everything up.
20:47Do you think I was just going to forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?
20:52Doc, we're dudes.
20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.
20:58We are not dudes, Sam.
21:00Only one of us is a dude.
21:03That's the problem.
21:06That's always going to be the problem.
21:09Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?
21:12Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?
21:16Having this face staring back at me every morning?
21:19Okay, relax.
21:20It's not such a bad face.
21:23Maybe you could get used to it.
21:24No, Doc.
21:25No.
21:26I'm not going to get used to this.
21:28I don't want to live this life anymore.
21:30Hey, don't talk like that.
21:34You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that.
21:39So, I don't know.
21:42Maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.
21:45You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.
21:51You're serious?
21:52As a heart attack.
21:56What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.
22:03How much more?
22:04We're talking about serious stuff.
22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.
22:08Major, major stuff.
22:10How major are we talking?
22:15You sure you want to do this?
22:30Give it some time, okay?
22:32Take a minute.
22:34How about we just...
22:36We'll get over and...
22:39No.
22:41No, let's just keep this between the two of us.
22:43Right?
22:44Mom's the word, pal.
22:50You know, I'm starving.
22:53You want to grab a bite?
22:56In the minute...
22:56I need you to explain something to me.
23:01The doctor is in?
23:03I, uh...
23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.
23:11You skipped your period.
23:12What?
23:14Oh, my God.
23:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:17I, um...
23:18You know, I look at girls, nothing.
23:20I look at guys, nothing.
23:22I look at porn, nothing.
23:24So what, am I frigid?
23:26Do I have some kind of mental problems?
23:27I mean...
23:28I don't know.
23:30I feel like a fucking female eunuch.
23:34What?
23:34What?
23:35A little louder.
23:36I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.
23:38Look.
23:40It's complex.
23:42Complex?
23:43You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.
23:46Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.
23:49Most can't.
23:50Yeah, but that's just plumbing.
23:52It takes them a little longer to warm up, but with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.
23:57Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.
24:01Their arousal is more subtle.
24:03It's more intricate.
24:05Which, translated from New Age cycle babble, means what?
24:08They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused.
24:12Let's face it.
24:13Women are complicated.
24:15Yeah.
24:15They're telling me.
24:20Oh, shoot.
24:22The office meeting got pushed up.
24:25I gotta go.
24:29No.
24:31What's wrong?
24:33Um, can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?
24:39Sure.
24:40Just, uh, remember to stay out of trouble.
24:44Promise.
24:45You look so nice, Samantha.
24:49Thanks, Margaret.
24:51So do you.
24:52Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.
24:54I punch up the graphics in the proposal.
24:56Added some extras.
25:00Wow.
25:01Nice work, Margaret.
25:04Oh, my ass is still tingling.
25:06Yeah.
25:09Feels like it just...
25:10Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.
25:12You look stunning.
25:14I mean, stunning.
25:18Come over here and sit next to Seymour.
25:20I'm fine.
25:21Right over here.
25:24Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our internet campaign.
25:28Oh, yes.
25:31And before I begin, I would like to just say thank you to Margaret for all the wonderful work that she did on these reports.
25:38Now, as you can see from this chart, the models that we used on this season's online campaign scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44.
25:50And the numbers start to less...
25:52An excellent presentation, Sam.
25:54May I call you Sam?
25:56I prefer it, actually.
25:57We will be in touch about the details.
26:00I look forward to it.
26:01I think this calls for a little promotion.
26:05We'll go over the specifics in my office.
26:07Cocktails mandatory.
26:09How about we skip the cocktails and settle on a 20% raise?
26:13Huh?
26:13A raise!
26:15I think that's a capital idea.
26:17And a bonus, too.
26:19I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?
26:21I suppose we could do a bonus, but...
26:24Seymour, you remember our little understanding, don't you?
26:29Oh, of course.
26:30Meow, baby.
26:31Oh!
26:36I think a raise this big deserves a hug!
26:41You don't know what you're missing.
26:45And another thing.
26:47That promotion?
26:48It's going to Margaret.
26:50Huh?
26:51She earned it.
26:53Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago,
26:55but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her.
26:58I don't know about that.
27:01I do.
27:02And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years.
27:08You would do that?
27:11Us girls have to stick together.
27:12Okay.
27:16Samantha.
27:17Hey, Margaret.
27:18You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting until Mr. Cavallo...
27:23Actually, I did.
27:25I don't know how to thank you.
27:28Just...
27:30keep doing what you're doing.
27:32Thanks again.
27:33Of course.
27:34That feels good, Sam.
27:49Sam?
27:53What is it, Susu?
27:57You just called me Sam.
28:01No, I didn't.
28:03Yes, you most certainly did.
28:05What the...
28:06What the hell is going on right now?
28:09What are you talking about?
28:12Is it that cousin of his?
28:13That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?
28:17She wasn't faking it.
28:18Oh, so now you're defending her?
28:20No, what?
28:21I...
28:21You're...
28:22That's not what I said.
28:23I...
28:23Oh, my God.
28:25Oh, my God, you're gay.
28:30What?
28:31That's it.
28:32I've been a perfect fool.
28:34You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back in all this time.
28:40I thought you were straight.
28:42Oh, my God.
28:43Oh, my God.
28:45I'm straight.
28:47Can we just talk this over?
28:49There's nothing to talk about.
28:51Goodbye.
28:52Goodbye.
28:53So, how bad a fight was it?
28:59I didn't say we had a fight.
29:01You didn't have to.
29:03You got that post-fight look.
29:06Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges.
29:08Sam, I don't want to talk about it.
29:11All right, fine, man.
29:12Suit yourself.
29:13Hey, dude.
29:19What about me?
29:21What about you?
29:22Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.
29:24Sam, we don't play tackle football with women.
29:28End of discussion.
29:29Dude, I still got the chops.
29:30Please close.
29:31Sexist pig.
29:32I heard that.
29:34Ready?
29:35Yeah, I think so.
29:36All right, guys.
29:37Let's play some football.
29:39Yeah, this is a chick.
29:40Her name's Samantha.
29:42She's Sam's cousin.
29:43Yeah, Steve.
29:45Sam's told me all about you, dude.
29:47Congratulations on the wedding, by the way.
29:49From what Sam tells me, you're getting, uh, quite a girl.
29:52Okay.
29:54Quite a girl.
29:55Are you kidding about playing?
29:57Yeah, she's kidding.
29:58No, no, she's not kidding.
30:00We're all great football players in my family, and believe me, guys, I know how to handle a ball.
30:07I'm sure you do.
30:09One play.
30:09No.
30:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, let's let it play.
30:14Let's go.
30:14One play.
30:15Come on, girl, let's go.
30:17Come on.
30:18Woo!
30:18Woo!
30:19I don't know if you're fucking at Sam.
30:20Dude!
30:23Sit, go!
30:27Oh!
30:28Got it!
30:28Oh, shit!
30:31Steve, fucking Steve!
30:33You got off of me!
30:35Steve, stop grabbing my ass!
30:39Fucker!
30:40Wait, what?
30:41Get off!
30:41Steve!
30:43Go!
30:44Save it for Georgette!
30:45What?
30:46Better shut this girl up!
30:47Yeah, I know how much you like the ass, Clay.
30:49Relax!
30:49Relax!
30:50Relax!
30:50No, you know what?
30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia anyway.
30:54Don't call her a bitch, Steve.
30:55Oh, she's a bitch.
30:57Okay, so now I'm a bitch.
30:58Oh, you're a grade-A bitch.
31:00I told you not to call her a bitch.
31:02Oh, sorry.
31:02Little bitch.
31:04You fucking, guys, fucking ass!
31:05Come on!
31:06Guys, guys, come on!
31:07Guys, come on!
31:07Get some shit!
31:08Relax!
31:08Come on, relax!
31:09Listen!
31:10Come on!
31:11We're all friends!
31:12Shake hands!
31:13Come on!
31:14Uh-huh.
31:15Come on.
31:16We're friends.
31:21Doc.
31:22Come on, man.
31:23It's okay.
31:24Let it go.
31:25No.
31:26It's not okay, all right?
31:28Nothing is okay.
31:30Doc.
31:31Doc.
31:32You were right.
31:33She left me.
31:35Are you happy now?
32:01Peace offering.
32:02Listen, Doc, um, I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want,
32:13then...
32:14Lately, I don't know what I want.
32:16I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.
32:21Well, at least you have balls.
32:24Oh, God.
32:27You're having a muscle spasm?
32:30No, it's fine.
32:31It's fine.
32:32I'll just take some aspirin.
32:33Who's the doctor here?
32:34Lay down.
32:35Come on.
32:39Turn it over.
32:40Okay.
32:42Right there?
32:43Oh, God, yeah.
32:45How does that feel?
32:46Oh, much better.
32:55I, uh, have to use the jaw.
32:59Oh, my God.
33:00She's alive.
33:01Oh, my God.
33:02She's alive.
33:06Oh, my God.
33:13She's alive.
33:24You.
33:25Yes, me.
33:27I think it's time that, uh, you know, you and I had a little talk.
33:32Uh, what would you like to talk about?
33:35The fact that you stole my man and I'd like him back.
33:42Decent men in this city are few and far between.
33:47Oh, you forgot rich.
33:51Women like me, okay, successful career women,
33:56women who think about tomorrow,
33:59women who plan maybe five, ten years ahead in their life,
34:03we sometimes, we have to settle.
34:08Settle.
34:09Settle.
34:10Or were you born yesterday?
34:12Actually, about a month ago.
34:13How much?
34:15What?
34:17You heard me.
34:18How much do you want to, uh, let him go?
34:21I'm sorry.
34:24Are you trying to buy me off?
34:28You're obviously the type, you know.
34:31I mean, if it walks like a duck.
34:33How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?
34:37Andrew.
34:45I...
34:46I'm...
34:47I'm so sorry.
34:50Just please...
34:52Please what?
34:53We...
34:53are...
34:56so...
34:57done.
34:58Done.
34:58Okay.
35:05All right, well, when you change your mind and you come begging,
35:08don't bother calling, okay?
35:09Because I'm changing my number.
35:10Change your hairstyle while you're at it.
35:14It's really not a good look on her, you know?
35:22Look, Doc, I would say that I'm sorry,
35:25but, you know, I'm, I'm just, I'm just not.
35:31Please.
35:34You just did me the biggest favor of my life.
35:37Yeah?
35:39Were you really gonna belt her?
35:42Hell yeah.
35:44Spunky little thing, aren't you?
35:47In a manner of speaking?
35:54Damn.
35:56What?
35:56I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding.
36:00You're still going to that thing?
36:02You saw, we shook.
36:04Well, I would go with you, only...
36:07You are going with me.
36:08Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that.
36:12Tough.
36:13We're a team.
36:15Package deal.
36:16Anybody who doesn't like it can shove it.
36:19I can't zip this thing off.
36:22What do you think?
36:33Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?
36:35I...
36:37Uh...
36:38Oh, hashtag clue.
36:41A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness.
36:44It's sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women and hormonal overload in the men.
36:49Well, the straight ones, at least.
36:51Well, the gay one's eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here.
36:55Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
36:56Oh, I'm not her boyfriend.
36:57They say rather loudly.
36:58So, Doc, what do you think?
37:01Is this the one?
37:04Yeah, it's good.
37:06It's fine.
37:08Write it up, Marie.
37:09Excellent choice.
37:13What?
37:15Oh, nothing.
37:15I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding.
37:21Your what?
37:22The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention.
37:27Okay.
37:28For example, the stocking check.
37:34Oh, my goodness.
37:37Is that a run?
37:39How perfectly awful.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Works like a charm every time.
37:47What, you gotta have gams to back it up?
37:48Oh, my God.
38:06Sam, what's going on?
38:10What?
38:10Is everything all right?
38:13You're downstairs.
38:15Yeah.
38:16Yeah, just come on up.
38:17Hey, come on in.
38:24How's it going?
38:26Um, yeah, good, good.
38:28Yeah, I think, um, probably.
38:32Probably.
38:33What's wrong?
38:34You know what?
38:35I'm sorry.
38:35I, um, I'm gonna go.
38:38This can, this isn't, this can wait.
38:40Oh, hey.
38:41Hold on.
38:41What's wrong?
38:43I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.
38:46What's going on?
38:48Well, it's, um, it's about the issue.
38:54The issue.
38:56Yeah.
38:56Uh, the issue.
38:59Oh.
38:59The issue.
39:00The, you're still having problems with the arousal thing.
39:04Oh, God, no.
39:05No, actually, um, it's been fine.
39:08Uh, how fine?
39:09Like, um, you know, once a day?
39:13More.
39:15Two, three times a day?
39:18More than three times?
39:20Yeah.
39:21Per day?
39:22Yeah.
39:23How much more?
39:24Six.
39:27Today?
39:28Tonight.
39:30You know what, Doc?
39:31I'm so sorry.
39:32I'm really embarrassed.
39:33I think, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
39:35Whoa, whoa.
39:36Come on.
39:36It's fine.
39:37What's going on?
39:38Um, I don't know.
39:41It's just that, you know, she's, um, she's being really specific about, about, um, who
39:49she wants.
39:50Like, if I, um, if I think of, um, this one person, she gets, like, really, really happy.
39:58And then if I think about anyone else, she gets, like, really cranky.
40:02So, uh, who's the lucky, uh...
40:09No, no, fuck, oh, fuck, no.
40:14Yeah, Doc, you know what, oh, my God, I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry.
40:17You know what, just forget that I said anything.
40:20Oh, no, no, no, you know what, just wait, hold on.
40:23Um, listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here because you come in and then you are honest
40:30with me and what I do is I play 20 questions with you and, uh, um, that's not fair because
40:35what you're dealing with is, uh, you're trying to compact, like, 30 years of female psychological
40:42development into a few early short months and, and, um, I think that what you're gonna find
40:47is that, uh, in time, the sexual focus, uh, shifts and it expands and that, uh, there
40:55are techniques you can use, um, to, uh, uh, uh, I'm babbling.
41:03Yeah.
41:07Because I'm completely full of shit.
41:12Yeah.
41:14Sam.
41:18Buddy.
41:19We used to chase babes together.
41:23You know, we would, uh, we'd get hammered together.
41:25I can't help it, she won't listen to me.
41:27Time out.
41:32Time out.
41:33Let's, um, let's breathe.
41:39Oh, it's good.
41:40Right like that.
41:41We're gonna breathe.
41:42We had a moment and, um, the moment passed.
41:47And we're fine.
41:48You're fine?
41:49I'm in heat.
41:51Sam.
41:51Oh, sit.
41:52Just, why don't you sit?
41:54Why don't, um, um, yeah, uh, eat some chips.
41:59And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer.
42:02We're gonna get a beer and we're gonna talk this out.
42:05Oh.
42:11Oh.
42:16Oh.
42:18That's nice.
42:19You, you know, we are gonna look back at this and we're gonna...
42:26Oh, God, you threw so good.
42:36Um, that's, those are, uh, it's just androgens.
42:46Those are pheromones.
42:47And that's a chemical...
42:49Uh-uh.
42:54What?
42:55I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to...
42:59cuddle.
43:04Ugh.
43:07Wow.
43:08Wow.
43:25Ye olde curiosity shop.
43:37Tonight at midnight.
43:40To make the choice.
43:41Uh-uh.
43:43Did you see that...
43:47Uh-uh.
43:48Uh-uh.
43:50Uh-uh.
44:08Uh-uh.
44:08Uh-uh.
44:09Uh-uh.
44:10Uh-uh.
44:10Congratulations. Thanks, Doc. Thanks for coming. And, uh, you're here.
44:20It was a beautiful ceremony.
44:22Thank you. So, you're Sam's cousin. Same blood runs through our veins.
44:29I've heard a lot about you. Only good things, right?
44:32So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway?
44:34Oh, uh, he's like a new person. Sort of feels like he's with us here in spirit.
44:43Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time. Come on, Sam, Manta. Let's go get a cocktail.
44:49Enjoy.
44:53You know, when I was a guy, I used to do this for girls.
44:58Oh, who am I kidding? I don't think I've ever done this for a woman.
45:01You know, I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry.
45:08Thanks, Doc.
45:10What's wrong, Sam?
45:12You seem sad, I noticed, in the car on the way over.
45:18Let's just talk about it later, okay?
45:22You know what? I think... I think they might be playing our song.
45:26We have a song.
45:29We do now.
45:31Come on.
45:33May I have this dance?
45:36It doesn't bear as shit.
45:38Of course you may.
45:47So what's it like?
45:51What's what like?
45:53Being a woman.
45:54It's like, uh, someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.
46:01Which means...
46:04Um...
46:04When I walk into a room, I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.
46:13Whether they're happy or horny or sad, or if they have a chance in hell of stealing you away from me.
46:23Anybody in here, uh, giving you any competition?
46:31See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?
46:33Yeah.
46:34Yeah?
46:35Well, she'd have a shot at you.
46:37If she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex, and...
46:41If...
46:43Yeah?
46:47If you weren't totally smitten with me.
46:49Oh.
46:51I'm smitten, huh?
46:52Crazy in love.
46:58Wow.
46:59You're good.
47:08Feeling's mutual, by the way.
47:18I know it's you.
47:21Sam.
47:22But you're different.
47:29Good different?
47:30No.
47:33Not good.
47:39Amazing.
47:49When's the last time you kissed me like that?
47:52Tonight?
47:53Tonight?
47:54Mm-hmm.
47:55Mm-hmm.
48:01What?
48:02What, do you have a hot date or something?
48:03Come on, you're spoiling my after all.
48:07I have to talk to you outside.
48:10Right now.
48:10i need a favor anything can you drive me down to the village now what for do you trust me
48:28of course i trust you i'm just please don't ask any questions okay if that's the way you want it
48:36okay but we have to leave right now i need to be there by midnight
49:06doc no sam no
49:36so
49:38so
49:42so
49:44so
49:46so
49:50so
49:54so
49:56so
50:00so
50:02so
50:04so
50:06so
50:08so
50:10so
50:12so
50:14so
50:16so
50:18so
50:20so
50:22so
50:24so
50:26so
50:28so
50:30so
50:44so
50:46so
50:48so
50:50i turn my head it's me
50:52could it be true or i turn up a screw or just those birds and bees
51:02so
51:04so
51:06so
51:08so
51:12so
51:14so
51:16so
51:18so
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51:15
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