- 5 months ago
lonely woman starts video dating during isolation. After falling for someone who isnβt perfect, she questions her past choices and learns what really matters in love and life.
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I
00:00:17But you still don't match up to me, right?
00:00:21Yes, you'll never catch up to me
00:00:25The trust me they're nothing compared to yours no I try
00:00:31But you still don't match up to me
00:00:33Thank you for the message, but I haven't got the time
00:00:35If you ain't got time for me
00:00:37Thank you for the flowers, but I got an allergy
00:00:39Guess I chose you don't own me
00:00:42Turned up my door with a message on a card
00:00:44Dude, I'll tell you where I live
00:00:46I'm waiting for someone who really wants to put me first
00:00:48I've given all I've got to give
00:00:51Swipe right
00:00:53But you still don't match up to me
00:00:56Swipe right
00:00:58Guess you'll never catch up to me
00:01:00And I know I've got my flaws
00:01:02But trust me that nothing compared to yours no I try
00:01:07But you still don't match up to me
00:01:09Eh-oh
00:01:10Eh-oh
00:01:11Eh-oh
00:01:12Eh-oh
00:01:13Eh-oh
00:01:14Eh-oh
00:01:15Eh-oh
00:01:16Eh-oh
00:01:17Eh-oh
00:01:18Eh-oh
00:01:19Eh-oh
00:01:20Eh-oh
00:01:21Eh-oh
00:01:22Eh-oh
00:01:23Eh-oh
00:01:24But you still don't match up to me.
00:01:28First dates are always so strange.
00:01:30I never know how to get the ball rolling.
00:01:32I would like you to tell me the story of your wines, please.
00:01:37One is red, one is white.
00:01:39They eat blocks of glass. The end.
00:01:41Four eggs, bacon, no potatoes, no toast. Capisce?
00:01:47Oh, yes. I capisce.
00:01:49Well, for the second date, we're just gonna go to my gym.
00:01:52I'd love to train you.
00:01:54You know, get those arms nice and tight.
00:01:57I'd like to show you some push-ups if you have a moment.
00:02:01Oh, I actually already have a personal trainer, but, uh...
00:02:05What about going to see a movie?
00:02:08What's your favorite?
00:02:10How about you tell me a delicious little secret?
00:02:14Something you have never told anyone.
00:02:18Oh, um...
00:02:20Okay?
00:02:23Well...
00:02:24Once, I ate an entire bag of Oreos on a dare at summer camp.
00:02:29By delicious, I did mean...
00:02:32What's something you would only tell a lover?
00:02:37Oh.
00:02:38Well...
00:02:39Um...
00:02:40I do like to be tied up, you know, with silk ties.
00:02:49Well, I do happen to have one right here.
00:02:54When I was a kid, I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
00:02:57I love that movie.
00:02:58Are you kidding me?
00:03:00Well, the second one.
00:03:01The first one's trash.
00:03:04The second one?
00:03:05I will have the steak.
00:03:07Very, very well done.
00:03:10Burn it and soak it in Thousand-Aven dressing, please.
00:03:14Wet.
00:03:15Wet.
00:03:18Mmm.
00:03:21Medium rare.
00:03:31Perfect.
00:03:32Quite.
00:03:33In my life, we got a secret room on the other side.
00:03:35The morning!
00:03:36I love you.
00:03:37On the other side, I will just grab them up to the other side.
00:03:40With the audience, I'll take a seat, I'll take a seat.
00:03:42And you're 16,000.
00:03:44And if you have to go with me instead, I'll take a seat.
00:03:45And do like that.
00:03:46I'll take a seat, if I know.
00:03:47Go ahead.
00:03:49So we put the floor amid that seat.
00:04:21You want to talk about it?
00:04:49No.
00:04:51Why is it so hard to find a good guy?
00:04:56Because you're not looking for a good guy.
00:04:58You're looking for the perfect guy.
00:05:00And they don't exist.
00:05:03What?
00:05:04I can't have a type?
00:05:05I mean, everybody's got a type.
00:05:07Yes, everyone has a type.
00:05:10But you don't have a type.
00:05:11You have a gauntlet.
00:05:12Here's you.
00:05:18He's a great guy, right?
00:05:21This is him.
00:05:24Needing to be hot.
00:05:26You jumped over that really easy.
00:05:29I mean, it's because he works out all the time.
00:05:30This is him being successful and rich.
00:05:37So far, he's doing great.
00:05:40And this is all the nitpicky crap you're going to come up with to justify rejecting him anyway.
00:05:48Nitpicky?
00:05:49Oh, come on.
00:05:51What about that guy who did voiceovers?
00:05:56Dennis?
00:05:57Mm-hmm.
00:05:58With the tooth thing?
00:05:59Wasn't that noticeable?
00:06:01Yeah, but it was there.
00:06:02It was, like, right there.
00:06:04Every time he smiled.
00:06:05Okay, what about the guy that owned that big electronics store?
00:06:11Oh, Cole, yeah.
00:06:14Oh, now, he got all the lyrics wrong, and it was so annoying.
00:06:19Well, what about that hot s*** Latino guy that owned the bar?
00:06:24Okay, now, he made a really weird sound when he chewed, and one of his toes was freakishly short.
00:06:32So, that is not, I can't help that.
00:06:35You know, the reason why you keep rejecting these guys has nothing to do with them.
00:06:39So, what should I do?
00:06:40I mean, date a guy, string him along, and then break his heart eventually?
00:06:45I mean, tell me how that's better.
00:06:47You are an amazing, smart, beautiful woman who deserves a great guy.
00:06:52The universe keeps sending them to you, and you keep returning them.
00:06:55Eventually, it's going to be too late.
00:07:02Hey, what's so funny?
00:07:17Oh, you don't want to know.
00:07:18Oh, so clicky.
00:07:19I still love you both, just a little bit less.
00:07:22Oh, how was your date with Miss Chicago?
00:07:24Short smiles.
00:07:25It went exactly how I thought it was going to go.
00:07:27I almost fell asleep in my tiramisu.
00:07:29So boring.
00:07:31That's too bad.
00:07:32He was so cute.
00:07:33I know, but you've got to be this cute to get away with cargo shorts, honey.
00:07:36How do you take it?
00:07:37The usual way.
00:07:40You still slept with him?
00:07:41A lady never tells.
00:07:43A toast to somebody who just secured the storefront on Melrose that they've been stalking for a year.
00:07:50Yes!
00:07:53Oh, my God, you are a rock star.
00:07:55We start construction next month.
00:07:57I just got a shipment of the most beautiful fabric the world has ever seen.
00:08:01Do you want to see the new one?
00:08:01Yes, yes, yes.
00:08:02Okay.
00:08:02Noop!
00:08:03Bam!
00:08:05Llamas!
00:08:06Alpacas.
00:08:07Llamas are so 2018.
00:08:09Of course, Donna by Design will be doing the grand opening.
00:08:12Of course.
00:08:13What if we have actual alpacas there?
00:08:16And then we make the gift bags out of your material.
00:08:19Do alpacas spit?
00:08:21I think that's camels.
00:08:22No, alpacas do spit, but not the ones you rent.
00:08:25They're chill.
00:08:25They'll do selfies.
00:08:30Hi, baby.
00:08:34You want garlic potatoes and steak chicken tonight?
00:08:37Surprise me.
00:08:40Paul is so insanely hot.
00:08:42Mm-hmm.
00:08:42Mr. Average Gourmet Chef bodybuilder who can't keep his hands off me.
00:08:46His arms are ridiculous.
00:08:48You know how the elevator in our building's from, like, the 1800s?
00:08:52Literally, anytime it's not working, he just carries me up the stairs.
00:08:55It's so romantic.
00:08:56Oh.
00:08:57Speaking of romantic, enjoy your little sleepover, did we?
00:09:00You just spent the night?
00:09:01Try to keep up.
00:09:01Um, okay, it was fine.
00:09:04Until...
00:09:05Okay, here it comes.
00:09:06Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:09:07Mm-hmm.
00:09:07Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:09:08You guys, he wears tighty-whities.
00:09:10It would be like having with my dad.
00:09:12Your dad wears boxer briefs.
00:09:13What?
00:09:14I accidentally saw him changing during one of your pool parties in middle school.
00:09:18Ew.
00:09:18Oh.
00:09:20And your dad, it was packing heat.
00:09:21Ew, stop.
00:09:23Oh, my God.
00:09:23He has a very large penis.
00:09:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:25This is ridiculous.
00:09:27Give me that.
00:09:27I'm going to pick the next one, and I dare you to find something wrong with him.
00:09:31Okay.
00:09:32Ad exec.
00:09:33Major agency gorgeous.
00:09:356'1".
00:09:36Mm-hmm.
00:09:36And I know he doesn't wear tighty-whities, because here's a picture of him looking fine.
00:09:39And a pair of $165 Derrick Rose boxers.
00:09:44Bam.
00:09:45Bald.
00:09:46So?
00:09:48I don't find bald guys in the way.
00:09:50I never have.
00:09:50I can't get past the whole Mr. Clean thing.
00:09:52Mr. Clean is hot.
00:09:54And you know his house would be spotlight.
00:09:57That's strange.
00:09:58They're saying that whole virus thing is crazy contagious.
00:10:02Like it could end up being a pandemic.
00:10:05The news is so extra.
00:10:07Always exaggerating.
00:10:09Delivery.
00:10:22Okay, thanks.
00:10:31All right.
00:10:32Mask up.
00:10:36Oh!
00:10:37Oh!
00:10:38Oh my gosh!
00:10:38I am so sorry.
00:10:39I thought you were done.
00:10:41I'm almost done.
00:10:43Oh my god.
00:10:43I know that wasn't six feet, but I want you to know I have not left my house since lockdown
00:10:48started.
00:10:49Okay?
00:10:50I have not had close physical contact with anyone else.
00:10:53Like in a long time.
00:10:55Like even before the virus.
00:10:58Oh.
00:10:59That's sad.
00:11:01Well, no.
00:11:01I mean, you know, I have friends and I go on dates, but, you know, I just don't hook up
00:11:05with anybody.
00:11:06What I'm saying is I'm totally safe.
00:11:09Oh.
00:11:10Can I go now?
00:11:12Of course.
00:11:12Of course.
00:11:13I'll wait till you're done.
00:11:14There we go.
00:11:32Like that.
00:11:33Okay.
00:11:35Okay.
00:11:42There we go.
00:12:05There we go.
00:12:33Okay.
00:12:35So, instead of starting with our usual sporkle quiz to loosen everyone up, I thought we might try something else.
00:12:40A new What's Your Princess game.
00:12:43I sent a link.
00:12:45Claire, you go first.
00:12:48If I don't get Snow White, this thing is broken.
00:12:53Oh, Cinderella.
00:12:55So basic.
00:12:57Bryan, something wrong with your camera.
00:12:59We can't see you.
00:13:03Sorry, Tony. It's been one of those mornings. You know, like every morning until the end of time. Apparently.
00:13:11Dad, I need the computer for Zoom class and Devon is using it to play Minecraft.
00:13:16Dad, my teacher said I can do Minecraft for my math assignment.
00:13:21Excuse me for a moment.
00:13:23Daddy is working!
00:13:25Now, although I'm in the shower, I am at work.
00:13:27And from what I'm seeing down here, Devon, you've got two options, young man.
00:13:31Either you learn how to wipe the toilet seat and get the pee off of it, or learn how to be a man and hit the can.
00:13:37Do I make myself clear, sir?
00:13:44Sorry. I was just helping the kids with the homework.
00:13:47Where were we?
00:13:48Oh.
00:13:50The princess thing.
00:13:54Wait.
00:13:55Milan isn't a princess.
00:13:57She's a warrior.
00:13:59Vanessa.
00:14:00Yeah.
00:14:01Uh.
00:14:02Huh.
00:14:03Snow White.
00:14:04Great.
00:14:05Okay.
00:14:06Right.
00:14:07Whatever.
00:14:08Can we start, please?
00:14:12I have a client with a ton of questionables on his Google results.
00:14:16Can we take a look at Greg Swandon?
00:14:18What a creep.
00:14:19Did you see a Snapchat profile pic?
00:14:21Mm-mm-mm.
00:14:22He didn't even pay the nursing home.
00:14:23His own mother died there.
00:14:24It gets worse.
00:14:25There's a ton of nasty reviews on Amazon, and he had so many anti-immigrant tweets that his housekeepers quit.
00:14:31That wasn't because of the tweets.
00:14:32But they sued him for harassment.
00:14:34I'm gonna have to write a ton of content to push this past the first two pages.
00:14:41I'm at work.
00:14:42Well, I tell you to call me back later, but I'm about to have a heart attack from stress, and I'm not going to do that.
00:14:47Why don't you think?
00:14:48Well, I tell you to call me back later, but I'm about to have a heart attack from stress, so don't worry about it.
00:14:52I want a simple memorial.
00:14:54Cardi B should do something from her first album.
00:14:56I want to be buried in that gray suit with a collar, and I want my ashes scattered at Fred Siegel.
00:15:01Okay. Everybody, relax.
00:15:04Relax. The bank is going to foreclose on my store if I don't come up with some payments.
00:15:08Honey, I'm sure that everyone's going to start buying stuff again soon.
00:15:11And when is that? A year from now?
00:15:13I'll be living in a box by then.
00:15:15Luckily, I have a ton to choose from since I'm surrounded by inventory I can't use.
00:15:20I sold one shirt in the last week, and I'm pretty sure the guy's just going to use it as toilet paper.
00:15:33We're just wondering what's so funny about this client being wrongfully accused of strangling a sex worker.
00:15:37Okay, so the Nobel Prize for blank goes to blank.
00:15:54Whining. The whole internet.
00:15:56Hey, babe.
00:15:57Can you pick me up my prescription before they close?
00:16:00Sure.
00:16:01Okay, you got masks, gloves, sanitizer?
00:16:04Yes, ma'am.
00:16:04Okay, you get in, get the prescription, and get out. No browsing.
00:16:09Right? And have a wet wipe ready to touch the door handle.
00:16:13Aye, aye, Captain.
00:16:18See you guys.
00:16:20You're fun.
00:16:25Okay, so you know how my birthday is only eight months away?
00:16:28Yes, everyone knows.
00:16:30Yeah, we all know. Will you please get help? Get help right away.
00:16:33Okay, so I think Paul is planning something big.
00:16:36Like, really big.
00:16:37Like, getting down on one knee big.
00:16:39Well, it seems like a weird time for a protest, but I'm down for the cause.
00:16:43Seriously?
00:16:44What makes you think that?
00:16:45He's being super cagey about the specifics.
00:16:47Hmm, maybe it's because it's literally eight months away.
00:16:52Look, all I do is plan other people's big days.
00:16:56And now it's finally my turn.
00:16:59Or at least it will be once the virus is gone.
00:17:03Wait.
00:17:04Hey, check him out.
00:17:06I would kill for all that hair.
00:17:09No jury in the world would convict me.
00:17:13It's a match!
00:17:14He said that he now has day pajamas and night pajamas.
00:17:20I'm gonna go talk to him.
00:17:22Donna, don't hang up. You're not doing anything.
00:17:27Okay.
00:17:31Hi.
00:17:33Hi.
00:17:33Hi.
00:17:33Okay, Miss Gorgeous.
00:17:37What the hell are you doing on this lame-ass dating app?
00:17:40Oh, you know, just looking for a little fun
00:17:42while my husband's on a sold-out tour
00:17:44with his Grammy award-winning band.
00:17:47Is it Bono?
00:17:48It's Bono, isn't it?
00:17:50Hmm.
00:17:50I can't tell you that.
00:17:52But yes, it's Bono.
00:17:53Wow.
00:17:54Now that is impressive.
00:17:56And my wife is a supermodel with two PhDs,
00:17:58so I certainly would know.
00:17:59Oh.
00:18:03God, this is so weird, isn't it?
00:18:06I have watched every video on the internet,
00:18:09and I mean every single one.
00:18:11I haven't worn a bra in weeks.
00:18:13Me neither.
00:18:16You know, I went to get something out of my purse yesterday,
00:18:18and I was like, oh my God, that's right.
00:18:20We used to have purses.
00:18:22I'm pretty sure my shoes think I died.
00:18:27It just all happened so fast, didn't it?
00:18:31I remember when they told us to sing happy birthday
00:18:33while we washed our hands,
00:18:34and I was like, okay.
00:18:37Seems like a million years ago.
00:18:40So, um,
00:18:43do you want to take this to the next level and FaceTime?
00:18:47Whoa, slow down there.
00:18:48We just met.
00:18:50Uh, sure.
00:18:52Why not?
00:18:54Okay.
00:18:54Alright.
00:19:18uh is brandon there yeah let me get him for you
00:19:28ta-da oh it's you i i it's just that your profile pic you know you looked a lot uh younger with
00:19:43more hair yeah i i they're not the most recent photos but they're all me ah gotcha but i did lie
00:19:53about something okay yeah i don't have day and night pajamas what i have are inside and outside
00:20:02pajamas and those are well these are outside pajamas of course what kind of neanderthal
00:20:10agreed a lady in his inside pajamas please well at least you have a nice place to quarantine
00:20:16and that fireplace is huge yes but it's not how big it is it's how you use it
00:20:22so uh what do you do what do i do i uh i help rich people manage their time so that they can make
00:20:36even more money yeah a consultant oh hello yes hello oh my god who's this uh this is countryside
00:20:48winter belle of northampton acres you're kidding me i wish i was yeah i didn't name her she's a
00:20:54a show champion but i call her steve say hello steve oh poor princess that's terrible
00:21:01uh she's adorable so she gets away with murder which i'm sure you can relate to
00:21:07uh brandon okay you're killing my game here steve i seriously was crushing this
00:21:15look you're a great guy great i'll meet you at city hall in an hour and we can tie the knot
00:21:21no i get it you're uh you're out of my league well i didn't say that didn't you i'm really sorry
00:21:33yeah look i know i should have put up more recent photos and uh i also know how the world works
00:21:43and for the first time in my life
00:21:46i feel like i'm running out of time
00:21:50turns out a global pandemic can cause a lot of soul searching who knew
00:21:56hey maybe there's a multiverse out there where your insides matter more than your outsides
00:22:01and if there is i'll meet you there but uh until then i'm i'm sorry i wasted your time
00:22:08say goodbye to the nice lady steve goodbye
00:22:12uh wait how do you like your steak my steak like literally or is this some kind of a thing
00:22:22no literally uh medium usually i just leave it up to the chef nothing weird on top is steak sauce weird
00:22:31okay if you had to choose the original charlie and the chocolate factory or the tim burton remake
00:22:40you are not seriously asking me that i am okay if aliens were given that remake to decide whether
00:22:46or not to keep us alive as a species they would instantly vaporize us and they should right steve
00:22:54dogs or cats
00:22:59hmm well i'm actually allergic to cats but i love them so much i'm gonna pick them anyway
00:23:06sorry steve
00:23:09oh she's already stormed off to file a complaint with h.r
00:23:13my mistake it's time for the morning walkies
00:23:16oh crap what time is it
00:23:19it is 8 52 i have to be at work in eight minutes oh my god quick get in the shower
00:23:25ah where are my shoes no but seriously i do have to go i try and look semi-human for work
00:23:32well this was really nice yeah it certainly was
00:23:36can i call you later sure i'll be done around two
00:23:41oh yeah two won't work i'll be placing my empty pizza box on top of my trash jenga pile
00:23:48how's three
00:23:49hmm no sorry that's not gonna work because i'm gonna be holding my hair like this
00:23:55to see if bangs would work at three so
00:23:57yeah well this just isn't gonna work out
00:24:00oh no you know i guess not it's nice meeting you though
00:24:03stay safe stay safe jinx oh
00:24:06well now i'm gonna have to call you so you can unjinx me
00:24:09you hang up first no you hang up first
00:24:16anyone else have anything i need an article about 90s tv shows
00:24:24vanessa why don't you do it you grew up watching them
00:24:31i'm only nine years older than you
00:24:32ten
00:24:33what ifs
00:24:35see that's something old people say like lit or fam or facebook
00:24:41okay before we say goodbye let's just go around and do one quick round of
00:24:46oh i my modem is freezing i let me call back
00:24:53oh no miles no we talked about this
00:24:57i am a carbon based life form this is how we process waste
00:25:00it's disgusting
00:25:01everybody poops donna i read it in a book
00:25:03would you just call us back when you're done wait i'm done
00:25:20that was not 20 seconds i'm in my home home donatella what am i touching
00:25:25everything
00:25:30oh i'm so sorry excuse me
00:25:33i'm just a little tired from my all-nighter last night
00:25:36oh
00:25:38you cybered with mr great hair last night
00:25:41yep his name is brandon
00:25:44and to be honest those pics were from like 20 pounds and 2 inches of hairline ago
00:25:49i knew it that was the hair of the gods
00:25:51wait i'm confused it took you all night to tell him never to contact you again
00:25:57brutal
00:26:00no we actually spent all night getting to know each other
00:26:05never met anyone like him
00:26:07but
00:26:09there's no but
00:26:10there's always a but
00:26:12not this time
00:26:13he's funny and sweet
00:26:16smart
00:26:17and you know he also has an insane home in the hollywood hills so
00:26:21okay so you're not attracted to him you're attracted to his house
00:26:25hey that's not fair she's attracted to his job also
00:26:28yes he's successful
00:26:30but he's also not my type so i feel like those two things cancel each other out
00:26:34that isn't how love works it's not anti-matter
00:26:40isn't it
00:26:41i mean we trade the imperfections we can't live with for the ones that we can
00:26:44plus you guys knew me before
00:26:46you know how hard i've worked to really get to like who i am today
00:26:51yeah sure you were fluffier and your skin was interesting but you were still the same person on the inside
00:26:58people love to say that but it's not true
00:27:01you know when you live in a world where your outside is more important than the inside
00:27:06changes your inside
00:27:08changes your inside
00:27:09not for the good
00:27:10well how much do we even know about this guy have you read him through your scrub me program
00:27:15no not yet
00:27:17but i'm gonna get his last name at dinner tonight and then i'm going deep
00:27:20instagram snapchat facebook background check
00:27:23this guy has so much as an unpaid parking ticket i'm gonna find it
00:27:27or hear me out you could just trust that he's a good guy
00:27:31yeah because insane psycho stalkers usually put that right in their profile
00:27:40ooh that reminds me need to see if you add up myspace page
00:27:43what you have nothing in your digital profile
00:27:46of course i do
00:27:48which is exactly why i hid it
00:27:49try and keep up
00:27:50listen you know i'm all for the background check but the other stuff if you like him you like him
00:27:56oh wait what time is it
00:28:02crap i gotta go shave my legs for tonight
00:28:04we're having our first girl dinner date
00:28:07no guy wants to accidentally find out the girl he's talking to is half yeti
00:28:11donna will you stay out with me i want us to watch housewives together
00:28:14um i have to go do something first
00:28:17what just take me with you
00:28:18no
00:28:19wait
00:28:21are you pooping
00:28:23girls don't poop
00:28:25yes you do
00:28:27no actually we don't ever
00:28:29siri do girls poop
00:28:32girls do poop here are some videos
00:28:35no no god no
00:28:36now listen this is a very important night for me
00:28:53don't you mess it up okay
00:28:55deal
00:28:56high fives
00:28:57let's see
00:29:00okay
00:29:04okay
00:29:08fine here
00:29:14i'm a little nervous okay
00:29:15i told you no teeth i do
00:29:24hi
00:29:25wow you you look uh ravishing
00:29:29oh this whole thing i've had it forever you look quite handsome yourself
00:29:35well thank you actually i uh since it's our first date i decided to wear pants
00:29:42wow and shoes i remember those
00:29:46yes it was a very emotional reunion
00:29:53uh so brandon what's your last name
00:29:56uh it's uh donaldson what's yours
00:29:59mcconnell
00:30:01i've been talking to you for like eight hours today and i never asked you what you do for a living
00:30:05well first of all it was ten and secondly i work for a company that suppresses negative internet results on google
00:30:12basically we write original content to push the stuff that people don't want you to see to the third page
00:30:18you know you could just click past the first two pages of a google search and go straight to the third page right
00:30:22yeah what hold on that i gotta write this down i'm calling my boss
00:30:29you have just blown this whole operation wide open
00:30:32i'm sorry it had to come from me
00:30:36well to lock down
00:30:39to lock down
00:30:46wow
00:30:48what
00:30:49uh it's just i keep having these moments where i realize certain things are just gone forever
00:30:57like toasting
00:31:01jesus
00:31:02you're right
00:31:04i mean we used to touch our glasses together and then drink from them
00:31:08we used to blow candles out on birthday cakes slice them up and distribute them to children
00:31:18so i go into the boys bathroom
00:31:22and i i wind up a ton of toilet paper and i shove it into both nostrils
00:31:25ugh no
00:31:27oh yeah
00:31:28and and i'm praying
00:31:29please let me get past the next few hours of second grade
00:31:32and no one will know that i have a bloody nose
00:31:35oh
00:31:36yes foolproof plan
00:31:38thank you
00:31:39all right so it's the end of school
00:31:41and i i dart across the playground
00:31:44and and and i'm i'm i'm thinking i'm getting there
00:31:47and and there's a line of pre-k kids walking so slowly you know with the rope and everything
00:31:52and and and i feel the surge coming but i get past them and then for some reason i turned
00:31:57and then blood splurting out of both nostrils
00:32:02no
00:32:03it's like if the end of the texas chainsaw massacre and the elevator scene of the shining had a baby
00:32:08and from that point until the end of the 12th grade i was known as bloody mary
00:32:19oh
00:32:21wow oh yeah that beats mine for sure
00:32:26i told you mine was worse
00:32:29mm
00:32:30mm
00:32:31oh what time is it
00:32:32uh
00:32:33like 3 a.m i think
00:32:35oh
00:32:36i gotta go to bed
00:32:38okay
00:32:39good night v
00:32:40is it okay that i called you v
00:32:44yeah
00:32:46sure
00:32:47my best friends call me that
00:32:50ah
00:32:52good night
00:32:54bloody mary
00:32:56bloody mary
00:32:59i will come for you
00:33:03look at my new mask
00:33:05oh it's cute
00:33:07those little dogs
00:33:08no they're
00:33:11that way if anybody's like why are there on your mask i can tell them if you can tell
00:33:16they're you're standing too close
00:33:18six feet apart
00:33:19brilliant
00:33:21yes yes honey i will take two
00:33:25i made it out of the t-shirt fabric i just sold 45 no 49 people ordered them
00:33:30do you know what this means i am at the forefront i'm gonna be a titan of industry
00:33:35so did you get his last name
00:33:38yes i did
00:33:40well don't keep us waiting how bad is it
00:33:43well i haven't looked him up yet
00:33:46i was going to
00:33:47and then i thought you know
00:33:49i've over analyzed every relationship i've ever had
00:33:54and what if i just trust this
00:33:56and maybe miles was right
00:33:58i'm sorry i was looking at my phone and then i heard maybe miles is right so i'm back
00:34:02okay
00:34:03brandon is going to be joining us in a minute and i want to go over some ground rules
00:34:07no being psycho
00:34:09no embarrassing stories from when we were kids
00:34:12what about cvs
00:34:13especially cvs
00:34:14i promise nothing
00:34:16you guys i think i really like this guy
00:34:19don't screw it up for me okay
00:34:21okay
00:34:30vanessa got caught shoplifting tampons from cvs and peter pants
00:34:33i mean hi
00:34:37i'm donna
00:34:39did i do that wrong
00:34:42i'm gonna murder you
00:34:44ha
00:34:46uh hi
00:34:47everyone nice nice to meet you guys
00:34:50hi i'd like to offer my condolences on the loss of your hair
00:34:56brandon i am so sorry
00:34:58no no that's okay
00:34:59now when your hair was still with us
00:35:01what kind of product did you use
00:35:04well this was fun guys
00:35:05bye
00:35:06no no it's fine
00:35:08don't worry we're not crazy
00:35:10not at all boxers or briefs
00:35:12mankinis
00:35:14classic pisces
00:35:17actually i'm a leo
00:35:18yeah but with the gemini rising i bet
00:35:20donna what the hell are you talking about
00:35:22you don't know anything about astrology
00:35:24classic pisces
00:35:26all right what sign comes after pisces
00:35:28pikachu
00:35:31guys
00:35:32you're being psycho
00:35:33a little psycho
00:35:34but it shows that they care about you which i can understand because
00:35:39you're kind of wonderful
00:35:43aww
00:35:45fun fact
00:35:46ted bundy was one of the most charming guys you'd ever meet
00:35:49that fact is not fun
00:35:51okay
00:35:52i'll make you two a deal
00:35:54once there's a vaccine i promise to let you know if i follow through with my plan to murder vanessa
00:35:59cut her into little pieces that i scatter in trash cans based on an excel chart i've put together with the la county trash collection system
00:36:06deal
00:36:07deal
00:36:08deal
00:36:09deal
00:36:10deal
00:36:11so
00:36:12what are you guys gonna do for your first real date
00:36:15you mean
00:36:16like in person
00:36:17wow i uh
00:36:18i hadn't really thought about that
00:36:21i mean i want us to be safe obviously
00:36:24well the restaurants are closed
00:36:26what about the swan boats and echo park lake it's outside you can be six feet apart you can wear your mask
00:36:32yeah
00:36:33yeah
00:36:34um
00:36:35i want the first time we meet to be special you know
00:36:39i don't want to have to wear a mask or i certainly don't want to be six feet away from you
00:36:46okay
00:36:47well
00:36:48what if we waited
00:36:49you know what if he picked a date that's way down the line and if there's a vaccine by then we meet
00:36:55i got it halloween
00:36:57could you come up with a less romantic holiday
00:36:59plus there's no way there's gonna be a vaccine by then
00:37:01what about christmas
00:37:03you can unwrap each other
00:37:05ew
00:37:06what do you mean ew
00:37:07that's
00:37:08see
00:37:09mmm
00:37:10what about valentine's day
00:37:11i mean that's nine months away
00:37:12but is it romantic enough
00:37:14ah
00:37:16good point
00:37:17valentine's day it is
00:37:19now
00:37:20i heard you all think you're pretty good at cards with friends
00:37:24pretty good
00:37:25i will annihilate you
00:37:28it was my major in college
00:37:31i warned you they're fierce
00:37:33bring it on
00:37:35okay you ready the next one is
00:37:38for his self-produced album mark zuckerberg raps to the sounds of
00:37:44my mom
00:37:59hey guys donna by design here and i'm gonna teach you how to make a homemade facial mask with stuff you already have in your kitchen just mixed mashed bananas yogurt and honey and apply it to your face wait fifteen minutes before rinsing off and you'll have skin smoother than a baby's butt
00:38:14well we are officially in lockdown which means people are staying at home and only interacting with those inside their social bubble or if you're single like me your cats
00:38:21many people have expanded their bubbles to include extended family members
00:38:24we've just moved my mother-in-law in with us and i'm looking forward to all getting to spend a lot of quality time together
00:38:28i'm
00:38:35i'm
00:38:51Delivery!
00:38:52Oh, okay, thanks!
00:38:53You can just leave it there.
00:38:55Oh, by the way, I left some snacks for you outside.
00:38:58Just help yourself.
00:38:59Oh, thanks.
00:39:00I coughed on all of them.
00:39:02Kidding.
00:39:03Kidding.
00:39:04It's a little joke to get us through this crazy time, you know what I mean?
00:39:18Uh-huh.
00:39:19Never have I ever drunk texted an ex.
00:39:28Vanessa?
00:39:31Lies.
00:39:33So, I guess you're forgetting all about Mitchell and me having to go into the men's room with
00:39:38him to accidentally bump his phone into the toilet?
00:39:41Do you know how many guy codes I had to break to do that?
00:39:45Wait, you actually made him do that?
00:39:47Begged me.
00:39:48Crying.
00:39:49And it wasn't just a text.
00:39:52Uh-huh.
00:39:53Okay, next round.
00:39:55Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:39:56I want to know.
00:39:57What did you send him?
00:39:58Look at this photograph.
00:40:01Yeah, well, I can't say I'm in shock because Vanessa sent me a bunch of pics on our first
00:40:08night.
00:40:09Oh!
00:40:10Brandon!
00:40:11Yeah, I was very disturbed by them.
00:40:12Although my friends are quite happy since they all use them as their screensavers.
00:40:16Hey, guys.
00:40:17Donna again.
00:40:18If you're like me, you struggle with your oily T-zone.
00:40:19So just puree cucumber, lemon, mint, and egg white.
00:40:34Spread it.
00:40:35Mmm.
00:40:36Smells like a spa night.
00:40:38Well, it's the 4th of July and with it comes restrictions on gatherings of more than 10 people.
00:40:47So the usual BBQs are cancelled.
00:40:50Which is actually a relief to people who are tired of being asked at every family function
00:40:56why they don't have kids yet.
00:41:02I would be making my famous ribs like I do every year.
00:41:06But this year my mother-in-law wants turkey burgers.
00:41:10So we're having turkey burgers.
00:41:14It's fine.
00:41:20Oh, hi.
00:41:22Hey.
00:41:23Ooh.
00:41:24Quite the little sweatshop you've got going on over there.
00:41:27Literally.
00:41:28Can you turn up the AC?
00:41:29You're killing my overhead, Peyton.
00:41:35Okay.
00:41:36Now, I promised my great-grandmother, Millie, that I would never divulge her secret banana
00:41:41nut muffin recipe.
00:41:42However, I think she'd give you a pass.
00:41:45Right, Steve?
00:41:46Yeah.
00:41:48Aww.
00:41:49Well, thank you, Millie.
00:41:51Okay.
00:41:52Now, the secret here is you need to cut the butter into the flour using your hands.
00:42:01Just stick my hands in there?
00:42:02Uh-huh.
00:42:03All right.
00:42:04Okay.
00:42:05Here we go.
00:42:09Yeah, you got a little on your nose there.
00:42:13I do?
00:42:15It's adorable.
00:42:16If I was there, I would wipe it off.
00:42:18Oh, okay.
00:42:19Well, let's...
00:42:21Did I get it?
00:42:22Maybe a little on the cheek.
00:42:24Well, on...
00:42:25On...
00:42:26What about up here?
00:42:27Did I get any up here?
00:42:28Maybe the...
00:42:29The other cheek?
00:42:30Oh, well, let's...
00:42:32Did I get it now?
00:42:33Because...
00:42:34If I didn't, that would be really, really embarrassing.
00:42:37Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:42:38You got it.
00:42:40Yeah.
00:42:43Okay.
00:42:44Donna.
00:42:45Miles.
00:42:46You're up.
00:42:50Ow!
00:42:51Goddammit!
00:42:53Yes!
00:42:58This is a really dumb game.
00:43:00Ow!
00:43:02Oh!
00:43:04Oh!
00:43:05So close!
00:43:07That was...
00:43:08Not even close.
00:43:09Okay.
00:43:14I'm Asian.
00:43:15I should be better with ping pong balls.
00:43:21Yes!
00:43:22Okay, Donna.
00:43:23Your turn.
00:43:24Donna!
00:43:25Huh?
00:43:26Yeah.
00:43:27Donna?
00:43:28That's right.
00:43:29Come on!
00:43:31Lightweight.
00:43:33I can't, I can't.
00:43:38I can't.
00:43:43Delivery!
00:43:44Oh!
00:43:45Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
00:43:47Uh, there's a basket out there of muffins that I need delivered to that address.
00:43:52There's 20 bucks taped to it.
00:43:53We're not really supposed to do any deliveries that don't come from dispatch.
00:43:56Please?
00:43:57I met this guy online and I made those muffins from his great-grandmother's secret recipe,
00:44:02and he's gonna love them.
00:44:03You know, it's crazy how close you can get to someone without ever actually physically touching them.
00:44:08You know what I mean?
00:44:09I mean, like, not in a s***able way, but actually, you know, maybe in a s***able way.
00:44:14If I do this delivery, can we stop talking about this?
00:44:17Oh.
00:44:18Sure.
00:44:19Yeah.
00:44:20Oh, I left an extra basket of muffins out there for you, too.
00:44:24They're unwrapped.
00:44:26Well, yeah.
00:44:27They're homemade.
00:44:28And they're really hard to make, okay?
00:44:30I put my blood, sweat, and tears into those.
00:44:40Delivery!
00:44:41Yes!
00:44:42Can I help you?
00:44:45Yeah.
00:44:46Delivery?
00:44:47Yeah.
00:44:48I didn't order any muffins.
00:44:49No.
00:44:50They're from Vanessa.
00:44:51From Vanessa?
00:44:55Oh.
00:44:56The muffins.
00:44:57Yeah.
00:44:58What?
00:44:59You didn't eat one, did you?
00:45:01No.
00:45:02Of course not.
00:45:03Oh, thank God.
00:45:04Yeah, because that batch is, like, 100% pure.
00:45:07You would have had a really bad trip.
00:45:10These are drug muffins?
00:45:11You're...
00:45:12My hug.
00:45:13Muffin?
00:45:20I was gonna tip ya.
00:45:28Ah, come here.
00:45:29Steve, I gotcha.
00:45:30These muffins are not for you.
00:45:33These are for me.
00:45:39Wow.
00:45:44Almost as good as yours, Granny.
00:45:49I met someone.
00:45:50I wish you could've met her, too.
00:45:55Because she's amazing.
00:46:00Hey, hey, hey.
00:46:01It's your girl, Donna.
00:46:02And I didn't get a chance to go to the supermarket this week.
00:46:04So I'm working with what I have.
00:46:05Oatmeal, avocado, and a little French vanilla creamer.
00:46:09Mmm.
00:46:10It smells delicious.
00:46:12Huh.
00:46:13It chiseled, though.
00:46:15There's something so weird about no contact trick or treating, right?
00:46:17Oh, the kids don't care as long as they get their candy.
00:46:18In fact, they prefer it.
00:46:19No small talk.
00:46:20Ooh.
00:46:21Bull size.
00:46:22Impressive.
00:46:23For the kids.
00:46:24Absolutely.
00:46:25Absolutely.
00:46:26For the kids.
00:46:27Absolutely.
00:46:29I may or may not have gotten all of my favorites.
00:46:32For the children, of course.
00:46:40Hey guys, me again.
00:46:41So, the last mask didn't work out so well.
00:46:50That's why the good lord invented calamine lotion.
00:46:53or invented calamine lotion.
00:46:55This mask has expired milk, oats, and cinnamon.
00:47:00Mm, I can really feel it getting deep in my pores.
00:47:05Ooh, it's deep in there.
00:47:08It's like a burning sensation.
00:47:12OK, now it's really burning.
00:47:14Oh, oh, yeah.
00:47:19The dreaded second wave is upon us,
00:47:21which means, unfortunately, people
00:47:23will be forced to have a virtual Thanksgiving this year,
00:47:26although it might be the least stressful turkey day
00:47:28they've ever had, because they will
00:47:30be able to avoid the never-ending questions
00:47:33about their personal life.
00:47:36Back to you.
00:47:37That's right, Courtney.
00:47:39Lucky for me, my mother-in-law is still in our bubble,
00:47:42so I get to hear in person how dry my turkey is.
00:47:51Happy Thanksgiving.
00:47:56Hi.
00:47:57Oh.
00:47:57Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.
00:47:59Happy Thanksgiving.
00:48:00Hi.
00:48:01Oh.
00:48:02Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.
00:48:03Ow, I'm sorry.
00:48:04It's just holiday orders are killing me.
00:48:08I need more Rudolph.
00:48:09I said use candy cane.
00:48:11It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
00:48:13Mm.
00:48:14I can't believe you're making Peyton worse than you, too.
00:48:15I'm sorry.
00:48:16It's just holiday orders are killing me.
00:48:17I need more Rudolph.
00:48:18I said use candy cane.
00:48:19It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
00:48:21I can't believe you're making Peyton work on Thanksgiving.
00:48:24What?
00:48:25It's not like he has any place to go.
00:48:27Plus, I got him a six-inch turkey sub.
00:48:29You said foot long.
00:48:30I ordered a foot long.
00:48:31We're splitting it.
00:48:33Paul's been cheating on me.
00:48:35Oh, Peyton.
00:48:36Peyton, stop.
00:48:37I'm sorry.
00:48:38I'm sorry.
00:48:39It's just holiday orders are killing me.
00:48:41I need more Rudolph.
00:48:42I said use candy cane.
00:48:44It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
00:48:47Hmm.
00:48:48I can't believe you're making Peyton work on Thanksgiving.
00:48:50What?
00:48:51Peyton, stop the machines.
00:48:53But we have, like, another hundred to do.
00:48:54My friend is hurting.
00:48:55She needs me for the next five to 10 minutes.
00:49:00I was going through his phone to find this really hot picture
00:49:03of me that he took the other day when she texted him.
00:49:07She was all like, hey, baby.
00:49:08Why don't you say you're going to run another errand
00:49:10so you can see me?
00:49:15Oh, Donna, honey, I'm so sorry.
00:49:19I told him to pack his crap and get the hell out
00:49:21of my house.
00:49:24That's my girl.
00:49:25And the worst part isn't even the lying or the cheating
00:49:28or the sneaking around.
00:49:30Who knows how much corona this trash has been exposed to?
00:49:33And he's been bringing it home here to me.
00:49:36I hope his junk falls off.
00:49:38Right off.
00:49:39What do you need?
00:49:41Soup?
00:49:42Vodka?
00:49:43I will bring over a care package, pass it through the window.
00:49:45I'll keep on a mask.
00:49:46I'll sit on the fire escape.
00:49:47We'll watch really, really bad movies.
00:49:49And I will send you my favorite compilation of cats being jerks videos,
00:49:53which will make you laugh so hard, you'll pee your pants like you're Vanessa at CVS.
00:49:58And I'll bring gummy sharks, but the ones from the bottom of the bin, so they're extra squishy.
00:50:02You guys are the best, but I'm fine here by myself.
00:50:11I'm just gonna give myself a manicure, order a bunch of crap online I don't need and take a nap.
00:50:19That sounds perfect.
00:50:21Hey, what color Snuggie should I get?
00:50:24Oh, God, no.
00:50:26Nobody ever went wrong with classic blue.
00:50:29Blue.
00:50:31I'm working on a blog post about all the different things you can do with duct tape.
00:50:40Did you know that the astronauts used it in space to put a wing back on the shuttle?
00:50:45That 100% never happened.
00:50:49And it's duct tape.
00:50:51D-U-C-T-T-A-P-E.
00:50:55So annoying.
00:50:56I'm not the one who doesn't know how to spell duck, Brian, so who's annoying now?
00:51:02And you still learn.
00:51:04Every single day.
00:51:09Okay, okay.
00:51:11Everyone relax.
00:51:13Um, Claire, it's duct, like air duct.
00:51:17Never mind.
00:51:19It's fine.
00:51:21Look, we're all stressed.
00:51:24I get it.
00:51:26Vanessa, um, have you finished that Call of Duty listicle?
00:51:30Uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, Call of Duty, icicles, got it.
00:51:46What's wrong with you?
00:51:48Nothing.
00:51:49Why?
00:51:50Because zoning out for no reason is a Rona symptom.
00:51:53Oh my God.
00:51:54Are you serious?
00:51:55You can't catch the Rona through the internet.
00:51:58You don't know how sneaky this thing is.
00:52:00It was made by scientists.
00:52:02And I'm already at risk because I'm using 5G and I am not giving that up.
00:52:08Dad, Devin took the last Twinkie even though you told him I could have it.
00:52:12That's not fair.
00:52:13I only got two and she got one.
00:52:17One is less than two, idiot.
00:52:19Dad, Chloe called me an idiot.
00:52:23Can y'all excuse me for a moment, please?
00:52:29Devin, this is what happens when you do Minecraft and not math.
00:52:33And neither one of you should be eating this close to dinner.
00:52:36But, Dad.
00:52:37But, Dad.
00:52:39Santa Claus just texted me and said he heard all of that.
00:52:53Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
00:53:10Donna, happy birthday to you, yay!
00:53:15Okay, make a wish.
00:53:21This is ridiculous.
00:53:22Everybody's having Zoom birthday parties.
00:53:25It's fun.
00:53:26Okay, now blow.
00:53:29Seriously?
00:53:31I wish that Paul and that hoe both get Corona and die screaming.
00:53:39You're not supposed to say your wish out loud.
00:53:41But the wish can still come true.
00:53:43Uh, present!
00:53:48Present!
00:53:49Present!
00:53:50Present!
00:53:51Present!
00:53:52Present!
00:53:53Present!
00:53:54Present!
00:53:55Present!
00:53:56Present!
00:53:57Present!
00:53:58Present!
00:53:59Present!
00:54:00Present!
00:54:01Present!
00:54:02Present!
00:54:04Present!
00:54:05Present!
00:54:06Present!
00:54:07Present!
00:54:08Present!
00:54:09Present!
00:54:10Present!
00:54:11Present!
00:54:12Present!
00:54:13What is this?
00:54:15It's a candle.
00:54:16It's just like the one I have.
00:54:18You always liked the way it smelled.
00:54:19I was being polite.
00:54:20Being polite.
00:54:21This candle's like being beaten with a piece of sandalwood and then smothered to death with magnolias.
00:54:27Gardenias.
00:54:28Whatever.
00:54:29Great.
00:54:30So, instead of an obscenely large engagement ring and a lifetime of earth-shattering shit, I get a candle.
00:54:35I'm gonna die alone with an oily t-zone in a pandemic?
00:54:40No.
00:54:41No, honey.
00:54:43That is not gonna happen, okay?
00:54:44We are not gonna let that happen.
00:54:45No.
00:54:46No, no.
00:54:47You know that's not true.
00:54:48That's just stinking thinking.
00:54:49Everybody stop.
00:54:51Now, you listen to me.
00:54:53Of course you're gonna meet someone.
00:54:54And he's gonna be more of a man than that jerk Paul ever was.
00:54:58Because when you least expect it, that's when it happens.
00:55:03Trust me.
00:55:04Hmm.
00:55:05Oh.
00:55:06Now, I know you're gonna be more of a man than that jerk Paul ever was.
00:55:11Oh!
00:55:12Now I know what'll really cheer you up.
00:55:15Cake.
00:55:16Yay!
00:55:17Beep!
00:55:18Oh.
00:55:19Wait.
00:55:20Wow.
00:55:25This guy's so clear tonight.
00:55:29Maybe that's why all this is happening.
00:55:32You know, some other nature could take a deep, long breath without us humans screwing it up like we always do.
00:55:40What if COVID is the Earth's immune system and we're the virus?
00:55:49Hmm?
00:55:50Whoa.
00:55:53So how long do you think?
00:55:57This could just be how things are forever.
00:56:00Well, that would suck.
00:56:03I thought you liked lockdown.
00:56:05You said it was cozy.
00:56:06Yeah, I do.
00:56:07I mean, it is.
00:56:08And don't get me wrong.
00:56:09I'm grateful.
00:56:10I've got food and Wi-Fi and a roof over my head.
00:56:15It's just, you know, I want to have a little more and, uh, and I am officially too drunk to be having this conversation.
00:56:28What conversation?
00:56:29What conversation?
00:56:30This conversation.
00:56:31Yes.
00:56:32I know.
00:56:33It's just, you are, like, the coolest girl I've ever met.
00:56:34You know?
00:56:35You're funny and you're, you're shitty and, you know, I think about my ex-girlfriend and she used to line me up against this checklist.
00:56:54And that just got in the way of both of us being who we are.
00:57:01You made it clear from the very beginning that, you know, you liked who I was.
00:57:07Who I really was.
00:57:09And that's awesome.
00:57:11If I'd have met you in real life, I probably wouldn't have given you a chance and I would have missed out on a really great guy.
00:57:23And I'm sorry for that.
00:57:26Apology unnecessary and accepted.
00:57:32I mean, plus, you've got a beautiful home, which obviously cost you a fortune, so.
00:57:40What if I didn't have this home and I was a struggling writer or something?
00:57:50Would it matter?
00:57:53The truth?
00:57:55Of course.
00:57:56You know?
00:57:57I mean, you know how in movies, a girl's always thrilled to get an engagement ring out of a vending machine?
00:58:05Well, in real life, she would be horrified.
00:58:09So it's not the thought that counts?
00:58:13Well, I mean, it is.
00:58:16But not in real life.
00:58:19You could have, like, three heads.
00:58:22And I would still be in la-ike with you.
00:58:28I lo-ike you too.
00:58:39I think about holding your hand.
00:58:41I mean, you know, no gloves or anything.
00:58:44Just your warm hand against mine as we walk and talk.
00:58:50Okay, full disclosure, I'm thinking about more than holding your hand.
00:58:56Oh, really?
00:58:59Yeah.
00:59:00Well, then, uh, why don't we take this conversation somewhere a little more comfortable?
00:59:10Really?
00:59:11Very really.
00:59:13Don't stop us.
00:59:15Oh.
00:59:20Wait.
00:59:21What happened?
00:59:22Did you get disconnected?
00:59:24Oh, my God.
00:59:25I was so close.
00:59:26Who's me?
00:59:27So close to what?
00:59:29I'm guessing it isn't Jesus.
00:59:32What are you doing here?
00:59:36Hi, Brandon.
00:59:38What you up to?
00:59:40Uh, just, you know, hanging out.
00:59:42Hanging out?
00:59:44Yeah, literally.
00:59:45Miles!
00:59:46What?
00:59:47I can't see anything.
00:59:48I was just kidding.
00:59:49I guarantee he really tried.
00:59:53Are you two snacking while you're watching us have a ass?
00:59:56Oh, my God.
00:59:57Brandon, I'm so sorry about this.
00:59:59Well, I've always wanted to force him.
01:00:00I'm pretty sure this counts.
01:00:02Oh, my God.
01:00:04Goodbye.
01:00:05What?
01:00:06Oh.
01:00:07Could that have been any unsexier?
01:00:13Well, I can always loop in my Nana.
01:00:16Oh.
01:00:17I'm so sorry, Brandon.
01:00:19I can't even believe that.
01:00:21Please, you do not have to apologize to me, Vanessa.
01:00:24So, I mean, we were close, shall we, you know?
01:00:35No.
01:00:36Yeah.
01:00:37I mean, look, this was great.
01:00:39Really great.
01:00:40Really hot.
01:00:44But it wasn't real, you know?
01:00:46And I want the first time with you to be real.
01:00:50I can wait for that.
01:00:55Okay.
01:00:57Me too.
01:00:59Of course, this goes on for more than a year.
01:01:01We'll circle back.
01:01:03Obviously.
01:01:05Well, what if we had a sleepover?
01:01:08Oh, that sounds dangerous.
01:01:10No, no, no.
01:01:11Not like a real one.
01:01:12Just like this.
01:01:13You can keep the computers on all night.
01:01:15Oh.
01:01:17Yeah.
01:01:28Good night, Brandon.
01:01:31I...
01:01:33like you.
01:01:36I la...
01:01:38like you too.
01:01:45There's my little baby.
01:01:46Oh, mommy loves you so much.
01:02:00Let's go.
01:02:01Make some breakfast.
01:02:02Here we go.
01:02:03Oh.
01:02:04Here.
01:02:05Cover him up.
01:02:06A little more.
01:02:08Oh.
01:02:09Sorry.
01:02:11It was hurt.
01:02:13I'm sorry.
01:02:15Oh, the cops are hurting.
01:02:16Hey.
01:02:18There's my little baby.
01:02:19Oh, mommy loves you so much.
01:02:20Let's go.
01:02:21Make some breakfast.
01:02:22Here we go.
01:02:23Oh.
01:02:24Here we go.
01:02:26Here we go.
01:02:27Cover him up.
01:02:29A little more.
01:02:30so what's on the agenda today I gotta go to work
01:02:52oh are you okay did I do something is it my breath I saw her Brandon her who the
01:03:10gorgeous woman that you obviously live with you share Steve with oh no no no no I don't
01:03:17live with her live with sleep with doesn't matter whatever you want to call it she obviously has
01:03:22keys to your place yeah well yes she has a key because it's her look it's complicated
01:03:29doesn't seem very complicated to me glad we cleared it up
01:03:35can you guys help me I'm looking for a part that's mostly red but the little outie part
01:03:43has white on it and the any part is mostly hair what are you doing over there oh Donna seriously
01:03:55well what do you call the little any parts in the sticky outie parts I don't because puzzles are
01:04:04for the children and the elderly if I wanted to lose something for a couple hours I would
01:04:08just put my tablet pen down for a second thanks they're called tabs and slots the pieces of a
01:04:16puzzle I had to do a blog post on them a while ago oh what was it for oh my god nobody cares magazine
01:04:23we're out of our pecca I said use llama you're kidding me right Peyton this is my CEO time I am not to
01:04:32be bothered you okay okay what if you'd never tried mushrooms because you just knew that you
01:04:47wouldn't like them so you spend your entire adult life making sure people know you don't want mushrooms
01:04:52even going so far as to lie about being allergic to mushrooms so you don't have to deal with people
01:04:56telling you oh just try them they're delicious because you know deep down that you'll never ever
01:05:01like mushrooms but then one day someone comes along and offers you a million dollars if you eat a
01:05:09mushroom so you do it it's actually really good and then they tell you they aren't gonna give you a
01:05:15penny they just didn't want you to go the rest of your life without ever giving mushrooms a chance
01:05:19what do you do I mean sure you like mushrooms now but you never would have eaten them they
01:05:26hadn't lied to you about the money so now you try another mushroom and it tastes terrible I'm so
01:05:33confused um is this about global warming is earth the mushroom no corona is the mushroom hey
01:05:41Brandon's on no wait wait wait wait where are you why is there a bunk bed um because this is my
01:05:51place I mean my real place what are you talking about remember when I asked you how you'd feel if I
01:05:59was a struggling writer well tada so you broke into someone's mansion and pretended it was yours no I
01:06:11didn't break into anyone's mansion I look I make money by walking dogs for people and one of my
01:06:18clients was stuck overseas because of corona so I was watching her house and Steve sitting now that's the
01:06:25lady that you saw she got back this morning uh and this this is my fancy gourmet kitchen and I'm actually
01:06:36a pretty good cook I didn't lie about that in fact my roommates say I make the best croque monsieur
01:06:41they've ever had roommates yes I have roommates but the room is all mine plus I have the top and
01:06:49bottom uh bunk so you know that's fancy look I never set out to lie to you Vanessa I just didn't
01:07:04correct you when you thought the house was mine you did a hell of a lot more than just not correct me
01:07:09what else are you lying about Brandon okay my name's not Brandon it's Daniel Brandon Donaldson
01:07:17so let me get this straight you made a fake profile the fake name and old pictures of yourself and then
01:07:26you pretended you had a real job at a mansion why you know why no actually I don't because we both know
01:07:36that a guy like me without money may as well not even exist okay because in this world it's the
01:07:42successful people who make the rules you know I really don't think you should be lecturing anyone
01:07:47on ethics right now okay you're the bad guy here I'm not the bad guy I'm the same guy I was yesterday
01:07:54who you were laughing with okay that guy is real this this stuff that's fake
01:08:00I'm a good guy just not good enough for you
01:08:08you okay V yeah I'll be fine you sure because I wouldn't want you to feel like the worst person
01:08:24in the world that'd be rough excuse me you just evaporated the heart of a great guy
01:08:31over some superficial garbage that doesn't matter Donna he lied to me stop acting like that's what
01:08:39this is about you okay fine I need to be with someone successful and powerful you know I'm never
01:08:48gonna fall in love with Brandon or Daniel whatever the hell his name you're already in love with him
01:08:52I've known you since we were 12 I've seen every single relationship you've been in and I've never seen
01:08:57you anywhere close to this happy before yeah yeah my mom and dad were real happy too until she finally
01:09:03figured out what a loser he was and he was living off of her for 18 years okay so this guy has to suffer
01:09:08just in case he turns out to be like your loser dad solid plan so what do you want me to do you want
01:09:14to string him along until I can't take it anymore and then break up with him hell this was the decent
01:09:19thing to do okay I'm protecting him oh no see the decent thing to do is to not be such a shallow jerk
01:09:25but hey you do you
01:09:27Miles Miles come on you know how hard I've worked to finally like myself on the inside and the outside
01:09:36I've worked my off to become this person and I deserve someone who's successful in every way
01:09:44you know I'm not gonna wind up with some loser like my mom truth is you can have any guy you want
01:09:51so if you want a hot guy with money just go after that you've done it a thousand times before
01:10:01oh
01:10:14you
01:10:18you
01:10:22you
01:10:22you
01:10:26you
01:10:27you
01:10:28you
01:10:30oh hey namaste so what do you think you like what you see oh wow is that a stripper pole this
01:10:45yeah yeah this baby's top of the line only the best for my guests didn't even realize there
01:10:58were different kinds yeah it's cool right was that a dog what oh no brah this is uh bruno cuccinelli
01:11:13cashmere nah man i hate dogs especially the little yappy ones you know oh yeah i love cooking but med
01:11:25school keeps me so busy that i hardly have time for it anymore oh yeah of course it's so strange
01:11:32though i swear i recognize your voice maybe in your dreams no that's not it wait a minute
01:11:42are you my delivery guy wait are you vanessa mcconnell yes oh my gosh i knew i recognized
01:11:55your voice but i just i've never seen you without the mask well this is an insane coincidence
01:12:00i am not your drunk mule oh hey there stranger glad to see you're alive yeah you too you know i
01:12:22never got to thank you for that night it was fun yeah it sure was maybe we should uh have some fun
01:12:33again right now oh yeah why not i'm just uh lying here what are you uh what are you wearing uh
01:12:47just this shirt come on babe what else you wearing show me um you know i'm actually just wearing some
01:12:56old sweatpants thought this was going to be more of a waist up kind of call oh okay well i'm feeling
01:13:03a little underdressed at the moment yep there they are
01:13:07oh
01:13:31if only for your touch did you tell just say
01:13:37I can hold you in my hands, but you're still not around
01:13:48Don't make no mistake, I understand we've got to wait
01:13:59Listen for the news, I'm running out of things to do
01:14:11Where are you? Seriously, we're at the hospital. Call me back.
01:14:29They say she had an allergic reaction to one of those facial masks that she made
01:14:33I tried calling her and calling her, but she wouldn't pick up
01:14:36But I went over there, thank God I did, because she was unconscious when we found her
01:14:40Wait, we?
01:14:41Well, I kept on trying to call you, but I couldn't get in touch
01:14:43I'd been FaceTiming with Daniel
01:14:45With Daniel?
01:14:46He called me because he had an idea for a new ad for one of my products
01:14:50He always calls me with stuff like that
01:14:52He does?
01:14:54He was there in five minutes
01:14:56We tried calling the ambulance, we called 911
01:14:59But everybody's overwhelmed because of flu
01:15:01And the holidays and COVID
01:15:02They said it might take 20 minutes to get her
01:15:04And so, her elevator's broken
01:15:07Daniel picked her up
01:15:08Carried her down three flights of stairs
01:15:10Got her into the cab
01:15:11And kept me calm while I was giving the hospital or admission info
01:15:16I was a mess
01:15:17Wait, he's here right now?
01:15:20Yeah, I, I, he went to the bathroom right after I called you
01:15:2330 minutes ago
01:15:27Hi
01:15:46How is she?
01:15:50She'll survive
01:15:50Thanks to you
01:15:53I, I just did what any other person would do
01:15:56No
01:15:58No, you didn't
01:16:00You never do
01:16:02Other people just scroll past their friends' fundraisers
01:16:07But you donate to every single one
01:16:10Even when you can't afford it
01:16:12You send people silly cat videos when they're up at 3am
01:16:16You treat every dog you walk like it was your own
01:16:20I, I've read every Yelp review, every Instagram post
01:16:26Did you happen to pull my credit report?
01:16:29Because those things cost like 20 bucks
01:16:31No
01:16:32But I did read your blog
01:16:34All 175 posts
01:16:37You're a great writer
01:16:40Well, blog writing isn't real writing
01:16:44The hell it isn't
01:16:46Uh, apparently every major literary agent in town would disagree with you
01:16:50Well, then
01:16:52We don't stop until we find one with some damn taste
01:16:55We?
01:16:57I've wasted my entire life
01:16:58Searching for things that I thought were deal breakers in a soulmate
01:17:02And it turns out
01:17:06You're the most successful man I've ever met
01:17:10So
01:17:13Can we start over?
01:17:16For real this time?
01:17:23Okay
01:17:24This is my face
01:17:27My actual face
01:17:29No makeup
01:17:31No filters
01:17:32No making sure the light's just right
01:17:35No angle from above
01:17:36To make sure that I thin out my double chin
01:17:39Now you see this?
01:17:41Spanx
01:17:42I used to wear these every day
01:17:44Because I thought if I didn't
01:17:46That I'd look like one of those
01:17:47Bulgy, tied up roasts that 50's housewives used to make
01:17:50And this
01:17:51This is a fish tank that I had for a fish
01:17:53That died years ago
01:17:55What's his name?
01:17:57Fish
01:17:58His name
01:17:59Was fish
01:18:00Takeout boxes
01:18:03Because I can't cook
01:18:04I would burn a bowl of cereal
01:18:07Full calorie coke
01:18:09No
01:18:09There's no diet coke here
01:18:11No diet anything
01:18:12Also
01:18:13Did I just recycle it or
01:18:14Throw it in the trash?
01:18:16Because I'm lazy
01:18:16And I'm selfish
01:18:18And I only think of myself
01:18:20And I'm so sorry
01:18:28I hurt you, Daniel
01:18:29I don't
01:18:32Like
01:18:34You
01:18:35I love you
01:18:38I'm in love with you
01:18:43The end of quarantine means that extended family members can finally leave the bubble and return to their own homes
01:18:56They can go back to being the people we speak to on the phone every few weeks or so
01:19:01Allowing their adult children to resume making their own choices without mum wiping their bum for them
01:19:09It's been a long three years
01:19:14It's only been one year, Dolores
01:19:16Has it?
01:19:26What is this all about?
01:19:27I could tell you
01:19:29But I would have to kill you first
01:19:31And you're one of my best customers here
01:19:33I don't
01:19:46Vanessa
01:19:5612 months ago
01:20:00The world just stopped
01:20:02And all these things we thought we needed
01:20:05Suddenly were gone
01:20:07This year we had to figure out how to survive
01:20:12And the only way to do that was to grow
01:20:16Together
01:20:19Will you go into lockdown with me?
01:20:26Forever?
01:20:30Yes
01:20:30Yes, of course
01:20:31Absolutely
01:20:32Oh my gosh
01:20:38You guys
01:20:39What?
01:20:40You see it?
01:20:41Oh no
01:20:41Oh no
01:20:44That's the most romantic thing I've ever seen
01:20:49I know
01:20:50If you ever do that
01:20:52They will never find your body
01:20:55Vanessa, I'm so happy for you
01:20:58I think I'm going to cry
01:21:00These are so cute
01:21:04We just stocked them at the store
01:21:06To the end of quarantine
01:21:08To the end of quarantine
01:21:10To the end of quarantine
01:21:11To the end of quarantine
01:21:15And the beginning of us
01:21:18I love
01:21:20I love you
01:21:20I love you
01:21:20I like you
01:21:21I know I do
01:21:24I love you
01:21:26I like you
01:21:27No matter what you put me through
01:21:30Once upon a time
01:21:32A girl met a guy
01:21:34She kind of had a crush on him
01:21:36And wanted to hide
01:21:37Once upon a time
01:21:38A guy met a girl
01:21:40He took her to a dance
01:21:41And he gave her a whirl
01:21:43He brought her flowers
01:21:44The very next day
01:21:46Turns out she had the courage to say
01:21:49I know I like you
01:21:51I know I do
01:21:54I know I like you
01:21:57No matter what you put me through
01:22:00Six months later
01:22:02He got down on one knee
01:22:04We ran away to Vegas
01:22:05He died then not in Peru
01:22:06Twelve months later
01:22:08My baby would do
01:22:10He got out of panic
01:22:11He didn't know what to do
01:22:13I knew the way to make him okay
01:22:16All I needed to say
01:22:19I love you
01:22:20I like you
01:22:21I know I do
01:22:24I love you
01:22:26I like you
01:22:27Together we will make it through
01:22:31Now we're old and turning gray
01:22:46We still say it every day
01:22:49Love I like you
01:22:51And I do
01:22:54I love I like you
01:22:58No matter what you put me through
01:23:00I love I like you
01:23:03And I do
01:23:06I love I like you
01:23:09I guess he kinda likes me too
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