- 6 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:27God is long.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:52We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:58And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh come on Sandra let's go.
00:02:03No I don't want to.
00:02:04Oh look at that standing out here it's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday and he might be here today.
00:02:12Oh no.
00:02:12Oh look at that standing here.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:14Oh wait.
00:02:14You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16But he might come.
00:02:17Oh please let's go.
00:02:22Oh no.
00:02:23I told you so Lintah.
00:02:25Feel a right twit now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh.
00:02:35Good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42Don't fancy yours.
00:02:44Which is mine.
00:02:47Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsytung's grandad.
00:03:03With all due respect.
00:03:04To his grandad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:14See.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:30Peace ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:07Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Jeffrey.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:37Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine every single time.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:01First you're up there, on another plane, and then you're nowhere.
00:05:10And the tears are raining down.
00:05:15It's a run around.
00:05:17Love and rainy weather.
00:05:25Sure can get you down.
00:05:32Now, going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:34That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:56You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:00You might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Really?
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hustle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:21Yes, please.
00:06:24Now, that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:27And fought for.
00:06:28Full-page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:50La, la, la.
00:06:53La, la, la.
00:06:58I enjoy staying in chatting of an evening.
00:07:03I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:06No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:09Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:27I sacrifice too much for your six-old levels.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:37Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:46Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05You're almost blonde in this light.
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:33Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:44Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:51Like your Tuttenhamen butter dish.
00:09:53What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash
00:10:13and say something like,
00:10:14how about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.
00:10:21Then when I say okay,
00:10:24does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press, Stud.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing
00:10:37and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Good night.
00:10:51Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad,
00:11:13you never touch anything else.
00:11:14About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:36Did you have a good time, Miss Knight?
00:11:38Great.
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:40I'll say it in for a change.
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne
00:11:53was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57Paid him for a change instead.
00:11:59Ticket.
00:12:18I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:24Mary!
00:12:26Mary!
00:12:27Mary!
00:12:28Mary!
00:12:29Mary!
00:12:29Mary!
00:12:30Mary!
00:12:31Mary!
00:12:32Mary!
00:12:33Mary!
00:12:34Mary!
00:12:35Mary!
00:12:36Mary!
00:12:37Mary!
00:12:38Mary!
00:12:39Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:43Snooty old bag.
00:12:44Trendy.
00:12:49Trendy.
00:12:50Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:53Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:03Has it?
00:13:10Different girl every night.
00:13:12It's all the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18Bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:23At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31Hello, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Well, um...
00:13:41No.
00:13:42I was...
00:13:43I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any.
00:13:59I am.
00:14:01I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:07Tonight?
00:14:08Pardon?
00:14:09Oh, I...
00:14:10All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:25They're all on drugs.
00:14:26The loss of them.
00:14:27of them
00:14:46his score losing 3-1
00:14:57excuse me
00:15:17excuse me i only go to restaurants with deaf waiters
00:15:25ah
00:15:31hello mate peace man surprise surprise surprise in anywhere controversial pictures the boyfriend
00:15:40she's slim i'm just going to the uh oh i'll come with you
00:15:43are you and beryl um you know
00:15:47um you know
00:15:51uh
00:15:53oh
00:16:03would you uh
00:16:05what do you sort of reckon she's a
00:16:07uh
00:16:09fair sort of bird
00:16:11sort of
00:16:13all right
00:16:15i mean nothing sensational obviously
00:16:17jeffrey she's a bird
00:16:19she's a bird
00:16:21you're having a coffee with us
00:16:25no thanks kid neville's ravenous
00:16:27you've just eaten
00:16:29oh
00:16:31of course yeah sorry
00:16:33you see
00:16:35what i thought ken was always trying to do
00:16:39by implication
00:16:41probably by implication
00:16:43was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment
00:16:47you see
00:16:49yes
00:16:51was he the errand boy
00:16:53was who the errand boy
00:16:54ken thingy
00:16:55ken thingy
00:16:56he directed it
00:16:57oh yes
00:16:59i was probably thinking of andy warhol
00:17:01probably
00:17:03you're not like other boys at all are you
00:17:09well i'm probably a little more mature that's all
00:17:13it's over 200 yards from the cinema
00:17:15and you talk to me the whole way
00:17:17like a person
00:17:19other boys seem to have one-track minds these days
00:17:23sex
00:17:25marriage
00:17:27pardon
00:17:29the number of boys that asked me to marry them
00:17:31a couple of dates and pal they want to get married
00:17:35i want to live a bit before i get married
00:17:37i suppose i just don't have a hang-up about it
00:17:41get married
00:17:43hmm
00:17:45no
00:17:47actually i find girls and most girls
00:17:51a bit obsessed these days
00:17:55not marriage
00:17:57no sex
00:17:59that's what i said
00:18:01oh
00:18:03well i'm not like that
00:18:05not percifilth motivated
00:18:07no
00:18:09no
00:18:11no
00:18:13no
00:18:27did you want to say any more about andy warhol
00:18:29ken russell
00:18:31no
00:18:33no
00:18:35no
00:18:37no
00:18:39no
00:18:41no
00:18:43no
00:18:45no
00:18:47no
00:18:49no
00:18:51no
00:18:53i won't come in with it being our first date
00:18:55no
00:18:57anywhere my mum's gone to bed we'd be on our own
00:18:59is that a reason for me not coming in though
00:19:01yes jeffrey
00:19:03no
00:19:13nice house
00:19:15thank you
00:19:1725 year mortgage
00:19:19oh
00:19:23well thanks for seeing me home
00:19:25funny isn't it
00:19:29first date with summer
00:19:31it always leads to one of three things
00:19:35either nothing
00:19:37or something
00:19:39Or everything.
00:19:43Don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:47You're not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:51Night-night. God bless.
00:20:04I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:09What is it?
00:20:10Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:23But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:39Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:20:40Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:20:43Can't be Mother's Day.
00:20:45You'd have forgotten.
00:20:47Has there been any clips?
00:20:48Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:20:54Can't be Mother's Day.
00:20:55You'd have forgotten.
00:20:56Has there been any clips?
00:20:57Mum, I want the benefits of your experience.
00:21:01What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:02Oh, hey.
00:21:03And I'll do my best.
00:21:04And I'll do my best.
00:21:05They all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:08Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:09You'd have forgotten.
00:21:10Has there been any clips?
00:21:11Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:13What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Jeffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Jeffrey?
00:21:29Of course, Jeffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Jeffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Jeffrey's idea...
00:21:39Bella, who's Jeffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no-one.
00:21:45No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Jeffrey.
00:21:59How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:05Did she, er...
00:22:07Did she, er...
00:22:09What?
00:22:11Wow!
00:22:13She doesn't, then.
00:22:16You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sundry?
00:22:27Chips.
00:22:28German sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:47Said he was no one special.
00:22:59Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:10Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:14No.
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Goodnight.
00:23:32Goodnight.
00:24:01Morning.
00:24:02Chalton for Pope.
00:24:03Long may you reign.
00:24:04Amen.
00:24:05What's going on?
00:24:06Pound's up again.
00:24:07Oh, God.
00:24:08Today's special.
00:24:09Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:10Here.
00:24:11Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:12Except those.
00:24:13Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:34Never mind.
00:24:35why do we always do that 93 times a day we never see anything
00:25:05my timing not disturbing you're singing a hope see Jeffrey on Sunday
00:25:20oh Jeffrey that neville's the greatest
00:25:26is he dishy or is he dishy I'm considering packing Jeffrey in one day it was enough
00:25:40why he's cancer and I'm Libra is that bad hopeless actually I'm slightly off the male gender at the
00:25:51moment
00:26:01five which is which is three and two is five which is two less than seven which is oh I see the Spanish
00:26:14police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza bank clocks your lot football supporters
00:26:21hippies
00:26:23oh my lot
00:26:25at the third stroke it will be 7 22 and 40 seconds
00:26:31it will be 7 22 and 50 seconds
00:26:38that's it then fate all over by 7 23 precisely
00:26:45so what plenty more where she came from
00:26:51is that the speaking clock is that Jeff is that Beryl yes yes hi hi
00:27:05it's terrifically exciting isn't it getting to know a person fantastic
00:27:27fantastic
00:27:29I want to know all about you that's what it's all about
00:27:35for example with things in common already definitely
00:27:41about what
00:27:45we're enormously fond of animals
00:27:51right
00:27:53and we're both from Manchester
00:27:55have you ever been abroad
00:27:59no
00:28:01have you
00:28:03no
00:28:05unless you count Istanbul
00:28:08Istanbul
00:28:09Istanbul
00:28:10was it beyond belief
00:28:11I don't know I was only three
00:28:15do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before
00:28:21sometimes
00:28:23sometimes
00:28:24I do
00:28:25what now
00:28:27no
00:28:29just
00:28:31just sometimes
00:28:33yes I do
00:28:35such a lot isn't there
00:28:39in getting to know a person
00:28:41mmm
00:28:43he was live and easy-limbed
00:28:51his stride quietly casual
00:28:53his eyes clear and confident
00:28:55and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed assured lopsided grin
00:29:01you know Jeffrey you have a really lopsided grin really you know lopsided
00:29:15I don't think I have
00:29:17it's in the eye of the beholder
00:29:21see
00:29:23Jeffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot
00:29:27he holds it down with his little finger
00:29:29it must be marvellous being a man
00:29:33it's okay I suppose
00:29:35men can do anything
00:29:37conquer Everest
00:29:38do heart transplants
00:29:40become leader of the opposition
00:29:43anything
00:29:53Jeffrey NO spells no
00:29:55it's good for your circulation Beryl
00:29:57read any women's magazine
00:29:59it's good for theirs too
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays
00:30:03I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays
00:30:06all Saturdays
00:30:07Beryl
00:30:10Beryl
00:30:12Beryl
00:30:14oh Jeffrey Bubbles
00:30:16oh Jeffrey Bubbles
00:30:18oh Beryl
00:30:19oh Jeffrey
00:30:20oh Beryl
00:30:21oh Beryl
00:30:22are you all right what exactly happened don't tell me
00:30:25I just had a sharp pachaca of dramatic irony
00:30:28pardon
00:30:29come back
00:30:31come back
00:30:33they're better
00:30:35it's better
00:30:36I'm okay
00:30:37I told you it's going to pour
00:30:42it's not
00:30:43it's not
00:30:44it's only the angels crying
00:30:53I know how they feel
00:30:56well don't blame me I haven't done anything
00:30:59that's true
00:31:00that's not true Beryl I have apologised
00:31:04I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you
00:31:08independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer
00:31:11it must be a bad line I can't hear you
00:31:14you'd better apologise again
00:31:16I apologise again
00:31:19gosh this lousy line
00:31:22I wonder if Jeffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday
00:31:26pardon
00:31:28pardon
00:31:30is that who I think it is
00:31:33no dear
00:31:46well isn't this nice
00:31:51sardine sandwich
00:31:52the old sardine
00:31:54yeah
00:31:55she got her own trawler
00:32:00isn't it awful
00:32:05what
00:32:06I was speaking to Jeffrey
00:32:07what's happening in the world
00:32:09I blame the politicians
00:32:11what for
00:32:12for what's happening
00:32:13in the world
00:32:17talk to her
00:32:21can't speak Portuguese
00:32:23tasty
00:32:25very in oil
00:32:27nice in oil
00:32:28she's got a bad leg
00:32:29the bread's extremely wholesome
00:32:33why after this little baker down the road
00:32:35he does something with the bleach
00:32:39yes
00:32:46can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches
00:32:48your mind goes blank
00:32:50start thinking about life after death
00:32:55life after death
00:33:01oh that neville honestly
00:33:03number of hearts he must have broken
00:33:05every girl in Manchester nearly
00:33:07Geoffrey definitely has
00:33:10probably even more
00:33:12air hostesses
00:33:14all sorts
00:33:16tell me about your terrible past Geoffrey
00:33:18I haven't had one yet
00:33:19white man speak with forked tongue
00:33:21actually I was hoping more for a terrible future
00:33:24hmm
00:33:26wow is that the time
00:33:27at this moment in time
00:33:28what have I done
00:33:29is Neville the insanely jealous type
00:33:39right in the slightest
00:33:40you're lucky
00:33:42why is Geoffrey
00:33:43wow
00:33:44you're not jealous of all my ex flames are you
00:33:46course not
00:33:48why should I be
00:33:50please stop interrogating me Geoffrey
00:33:52forget it
00:33:53that's all in the past
00:33:56then nothing to be jealous about
00:33:59who needs drama
00:34:03who needs drama
00:34:06so I shouted back at her
00:34:07no shop assistant shouts at me
00:34:09I shouted
00:34:10in the end Neville nearly bolted me for swearing
00:34:12he thumped you
00:34:15walloped you on
00:34:16no
00:34:18I said nearly
00:34:20you never thump me will you
00:34:24like Neville does Sandra
00:34:26she adores it
00:34:28of course not
00:34:29no
00:34:31no
00:34:34Geoffrey
00:34:35Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life
00:34:37there isn't even one of the things in mine
00:34:38he used to talk to me
00:34:40alright
00:34:41let's talk
00:34:46Geoffrey I've just had the most super idea
00:34:48why is your mum going out
00:34:53may as well pack in really
00:34:57why
00:34:59why not
00:35:01I've only been
00:35:03my heart
00:35:06may seem
00:35:08good thinking
00:35:10thanks for a stimulating few weeks
00:35:11you too
00:35:12it was real
00:35:15psychedelic
00:35:16you can keep me grateful dead LP
00:35:17was scratched anyway
00:35:19it's been a gasp
00:35:21groovy
00:35:22I won't wave from the window
00:35:24no, I won't look back anyway
00:35:26good
00:35:27Good?
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred barrel. There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me. You know you can't do it.
00:35:57You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:06Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No. We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that. Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:17You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive? The test was.
00:36:30What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:41Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:47Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:49Who'll find it?
00:36:50Often.
00:36:51You're今日 going to die.
00:36:52Come to fly.
00:36:53We'll find her.
00:36:54She'll find her.
00:36:55Veronique tudo notließlich.
00:36:57And a Rebecca or Ariana she'll call her,
00:36:59our brother.
00:37:01The всё has to be left.
00:37:02Toí, to mariage her,
00:37:03we'll find the room for a long time.
00:37:04We'll find the room environment in her room.
00:37:05A height of the match.
00:37:06I sécurité there.
00:37:07Actually, she'll be free.
00:37:08There's no germany.
00:37:09One año.
00:37:10The sitio has been to eat.
00:37:11Once.
00:37:12Um.
00:37:13Two minutes.
00:37:14And Newman's coming home as well.
00:37:15John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:45Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:10Oh hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:15Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:21All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Rowland.
00:38:33Rowland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you on?
00:38:59They're off?
00:39:00Yeah.
00:39:01I hadn't really looked.
00:39:04Seen one.
00:39:05You've seen them all.
00:39:06Not quite all.
00:39:07I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:08Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:11Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:16I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:32I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm. Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm. Terrific self-control.
00:39:52Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:56Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:03and writing poetry in bed with my mo felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink. I used it for my laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't. Please.
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:31It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:39I don't believe that question.
00:40:41You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:43I was 11 years old.
00:40:45He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49I was with him.
00:40:50I don't believe that.
00:40:51But the boy with the hole in the woods,
00:40:53I put his mom on the other side.
00:40:54And he lived with the forest.
00:40:55He's on the ground and all hamster.
00:40:57Yeah, he was with the enemy.
00:40:58He was a rabbit, a liar.
00:40:59He was a rabbit, a liar.
00:41:00I built his baby with the baby.
00:41:01I was a rabbit.
00:41:02I thought he was a rabbit.
00:41:03I was a rabbit.
00:41:04I did.
00:41:05He was a rabbit know one day.
00:41:06He was a rabbit.
00:41:07I was a rabbit.
00:41:08He was a rabbit.
00:41:09He was a rabbit.
00:41:10what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation in dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:41:57testing testing Jeffrey Milleup returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:27I'm fed up who are you who are you what you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no they just mark it anyone can mark it they've got the answers do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:07what's he doing here then well this is your uncle Stephen this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do don't my mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you say no no I do say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood
00:43:51cells and erectile glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has
00:43:57who told you that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the
00:44:08female egg the others don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby teach you
00:44:17that at school they do woodwork in the next class people can only make babies at certain times of the
00:44:24year but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time
00:44:29no that's people what is well people do it all the time whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork good night Jeremy 25p 50 50
00:45:03good night uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning
00:45:31hey Veronica yes who the hell's uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now good night love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you anyway do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day tomorrow tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where
00:46:16I'm joining the wrens for three years
00:46:18what wrens the royal navy's wrens
00:46:24this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:33well thanks thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead in a way really almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have only better
00:46:51good night love
00:46:53try our barrel
00:46:55morning previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast
00:47:27you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night something cropped up
00:47:41like what
00:47:42dad you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00I knew you'd understand
00:48:30Charlton for Pope
00:48:30long me around
00:48:32what's going on
00:48:34pounds down again
00:48:36up and down like a fair of knickers
00:48:38you should know
00:48:39or me
00:48:41you know what I mean
00:48:43what a night
00:48:45wow
00:48:47a lot
00:48:48including action replays in slow motion
00:48:53hey lads
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night
00:48:59who didn't
00:49:00no it's true
00:49:01yes Jeffrey
00:49:04it is
00:49:05yes Jeffrey
00:49:06bloody is
00:49:13poor Jeffrey
00:49:17Beryl please
00:49:18it's Neville's engagement party as well
00:49:20he had to invite him
00:49:22he'll see me
00:49:23it's cruel
00:49:24I'll see how the girls
00:49:26I shan't take him back Sandra
00:49:28I shan't
00:49:31it's been two weeks
00:49:33he may have got over you by now
00:49:34don't know much about men
00:49:37do you love
00:49:38it was doing him a kindness really
00:50:04finally splitting up
00:50:06he only had one ambition in life
00:50:09send my knickers to Oxfam
00:50:12good job she hasn't joined the rent
00:50:18the entire navy had gone strike
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't
00:50:27she might have changed of course
00:50:29if she has I might let her have the old orgy nine again
00:50:32he's got to accept we've finally split up
00:50:36otherwise I definitely won't take him back
00:50:38well I'm certainly not making the first move
00:50:44at least I've got me pride
00:50:46I left with Beryl baby
00:50:49oh hi
00:50:50didn't see you
00:50:51no nor me
00:50:52and how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then
00:50:57United
00:50:58we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good
00:51:01and what's new with Geoffrey then
00:51:04I asked you what was new with you
00:51:11did you?
00:51:17did I say more?
00:51:20pardon?
00:51:20and how's Beryl baby getting on then?
00:51:24Geoffrey I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl baby
00:51:27it isn't like you
00:51:29say that again
00:51:30Beryl baby
00:51:31what's your name handsome?
00:51:36you'll laugh
00:51:37everybody laughs
00:51:38it's the story of my life
00:51:40you tell it like it is Chuck
00:51:43she used to put them on an axe
00:51:51what do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby
00:51:57is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06probably
00:52:07Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:15it is
00:52:17working in a bank
00:52:20oh
00:52:21I had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29and decided to split
00:52:31so I cut off man
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat gets it together where he's at
00:52:41lots of beautiful bag baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:49don't cool it
00:52:51dig?
00:52:56hmm?
00:52:58sorry I no understand english
00:53:01gesundheit
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:12she has
00:53:14and which is her husband?
00:53:17neither
00:53:18it's warming up isn't it?
00:53:24great beat isn't it?
00:53:34great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:41hmm
00:53:42if so what's death?
00:53:46um
00:53:48a banana
00:53:50yes I expect it is when you think about it
00:53:55have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00um
00:54:00no
00:54:02but I've seen the film
00:54:05you married?
00:54:07no
00:54:08grab yourself an adage
00:54:10marriage is a cabbage
00:54:13you're a poet
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:17ask the answers
00:54:19you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager at Marks and Spencers
00:54:24what's that?
00:54:28I really dirt you
00:54:29now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on ITV?
00:54:37this
00:54:37what's on BBC?
00:54:39see
00:54:39cut it over
00:54:43what's that like?
00:54:47this
00:54:47oh come on now
00:54:50you know that's not where it's at
00:54:52let's get this
00:54:53what's the word
00:54:54let's get it
00:54:56clear
00:54:57let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:59okay?
00:55:00hmm
00:55:01women's lip
00:55:10is not about burning brass
00:55:13papers yeah
00:55:14what papers?
00:55:17a marriage certificate
00:55:18a dog's license
00:55:19whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic about this
00:55:22all girls want marriage
00:55:24and a wide wedding
00:55:25really basic
00:55:27you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33enid
00:55:35when sandra says every girl
00:55:38she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself
00:55:40not me of course
00:55:41because i incredibly value my independence
00:55:43but most girls definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:46if you can't conduct an intelligent conversation
00:55:50without recourse to
00:55:51you're according to anything
00:55:52i'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:54yes you want
00:55:55balls
00:55:56oh
00:55:56would you please stop saying that
00:55:59you believe in free love right?
00:56:02wrong
00:56:02i believe in free everything
00:56:04freedom from all male chauvinist
00:56:06pig domination
00:56:07honestly don't you understand
00:56:09excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10no
00:56:12excuse me excuse me if you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15oh
00:56:16sorry
00:56:17wow man sorry
00:56:19it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's a pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23jeffrey you've not to
00:56:24why not
00:56:25i said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:27why not to smoke it
00:56:37oh wow
00:56:38we're as liberated as you enid
00:56:41we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:45it just doesn't arise
00:56:46we'll make some coffee kid
00:56:48yes
00:56:49you see what we believe is
00:56:51now
00:56:52you see
00:56:55you see
00:56:56where are one
00:56:58i can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:05what are you doing?
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:11burn my bra
00:57:16right
00:57:17that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:22we've finally split up
00:57:24level
00:57:25sandra wants you
00:57:26i should imagine
00:57:29sad isn't it
00:57:33pathetic
00:57:38well i can't follow plays these days
00:57:41it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:43cool
00:57:48i once thought i'd found her
00:57:51the perfect girl
00:57:53red hair
00:57:55not too skinny
00:57:57very gentle and shy
00:58:01passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:06she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet
00:58:09you're very sweet
00:58:11i've always thought you were
00:58:16did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just i'm a bit tired
00:58:21no it's nice
00:58:22it's nice
00:58:23i don't think i've washed that one
00:58:36oh
00:58:37i don't think i've washed that one
00:58:49oh sorry
00:58:53do you know
00:58:55what beryl? she can ask me anything
00:58:56do you know where jeffrey's got to?
00:59:03he's upstairs i think
00:59:11is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:14usually
00:59:15usually
00:59:22i hate to be any trouble but i think i'm dying
00:59:25you'll be all right honest
00:59:27she said i shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who?
00:59:31she said
00:59:35jeffrey
00:59:38jeffrey
00:59:39oh
00:59:40oh
00:59:42oh
00:59:44sorry
00:59:52jeffrey
00:59:54oh
00:59:57move up a bit jeffrey
00:59:59put your legs
01:00:01that's better
01:00:05it's because it's your first time isn't it?
01:00:07oh
01:00:13call dr wiseberg
01:00:15quilmslow road
01:00:21it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:26what was it then?
01:00:28grass
01:00:30grass is marijuana
01:00:32this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:38from the front lawn
01:00:39from the front lawn
01:00:49that you beryl?
01:00:55had a nice time?
01:00:57even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that i mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:02even though i've been in bed since ten having a good night's worry
01:01:08did you see jeffrey?
01:01:12that's good
01:01:32do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37i didn't try at all
01:01:39gave it to rest
01:01:44i'm right off birds
01:01:46i am
01:01:48i am
01:01:50for good
01:01:52me too
01:01:53and me
01:02:13good morning
01:02:15your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:16a night
01:02:17i am
01:02:18i am
01:02:24ok
01:02:28matthews
01:02:29Let's go.
01:02:59Oh, Beryl, Beryl, Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl. Oh, Geoffrey. Oh, God.
01:03:31Oh, Beryl.
01:03:41Hello.
01:03:43Sir Hart.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir? Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:53I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:57PHONE RINGS
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in, tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20Oh, my God.
01:04:48A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one.
01:05:00Definitely.
01:05:01Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:08You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:14I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:24Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:25No, madam.
01:05:26I'll leave it then.
01:05:27Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:29Don't matter.
01:05:30What doesn't?
01:05:31You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:32Wouldn't what?
01:05:33Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:49Me?
01:05:50A football match?
01:05:51With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:53A football match with 40,000 skinheads and you.
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home, they've won three, drawn five, and lost twelve.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Never mind, it's only a game.
01:06:53Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:08I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:33You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, so, well, uh, boys are very, sir.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean, uh, permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:23Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:37The Cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52Yes, sir.
01:08:52All right.
01:09:04Did I tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:39I wouldn't say that.
01:09:39I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54What do you think it?
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:16Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:49What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months dragged by,
01:11:30and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what NO spells
01:11:42and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what NO spells.
01:11:46And what NO spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.
01:11:51And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't I?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:23You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau,
01:12:54and I'll get a job on the stage.
01:12:56Twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar, amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Arms up again?
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:16Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:39I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is,
01:13:49and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night, I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United,
01:13:54and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:09The main thing is,
01:14:10we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:15See what face is there, aren't you?
01:14:24See what I've been...
01:14:25Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:31Beryl.
01:14:42Beryl.
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:51I am.
01:14:55No-one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:10Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:40No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything, honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop
01:16:14to please you.
01:16:19I see.
01:16:20There's no need to be sensitive, Beryl.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Beryl.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end,
01:17:13don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likable?
01:17:20The extremely likable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells,
01:17:26especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:30You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:53Used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59Used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:01There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:30I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:39Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St. Anne's Square.
01:19:01St. Anne's Square, please.
01:19:02So, that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:27Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:14A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know.
01:20:27Spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crotch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:10And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Right.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:47How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55A little bit like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon.
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:43We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:08Well, I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh, I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:18I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:35For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:56We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:46Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football.
01:25:13It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:16Well, it's the same thing.
01:25:17It's the same thing.
01:25:18It's the same thing.
01:25:19It's the same thing.
01:25:24Hi.
01:25:25MUSIC CONTINUES
01:25:40Hi!
01:25:42When's the kick-off?
01:25:45In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00Don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well, if you like.
01:26:22Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:25Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:28Yeah, I did.
01:26:36Wish we had a ball.
01:26:39Could play shooting in.
01:26:40You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:26:53Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:26:55We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:26:56Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:01We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:04Anyone, really.
01:27:05Anyone, really.
01:27:06Anyone, really?
01:27:08There's millions to choose from.
01:27:11All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:12All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:14You'll find someone, Geoff.
01:27:15You'll find someone, Geoff.
01:27:16You'll find someone, Geoff.
01:27:17You will, Beryl.
01:27:18You will, Beryl.
01:27:19Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:20Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:22Picking one out of the crowd?
01:27:23The people out of the crowd?
01:27:24By the way.
01:27:25You will.
01:27:26What?
01:27:27Let's see.
01:27:28Let's see.
01:27:29It's been a good day.
01:27:30Well, I'm here, Beryl.
01:27:32We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:37Anyone, really.
01:27:39There's millions to choose from.
01:27:41All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:42You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:19And you'll find sometimes.
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine.
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun.
01:28:43When the crying's done.
01:28:48Love and rainy weather are followed by the sun.
01:28:58Love and rainy weather.
01:29:01Love and rainy weather.
01:29:06When the crying's done.
01:29:13Love and rainy weather are followed by the sun.
01:29:21Love and rainy weather.
01:29:25Love and rainy weather.
01:29:30Bye.
01:29:33Bye.
01:29:37Bye.
01:29:43Bye.
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