- 5 months ago
The lifestyle of a holiday camp worker is jeopardised when the place is taken over by a former prison warder with his own ideas of how things should be run.
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Short filmTranscript
00:01:00Give me England any time, my dear.
00:01:02Give me England any time of year.
00:01:05Come on, everybody, raise a cheer.
00:01:09Far and near for the birds and the birds now that summer's here.
00:01:14And when bazookas played, a Grecian serenade, we shed a tear in our beer for the price we paid.
00:01:25This ain't no place to be, complained old Timmy Lee.
00:01:31Ain't got no bingo, the lingo's all Greek to me.
00:01:35So give me England every time, my dear.
00:01:40Give me England any time of year.
00:01:43Come on, everybody, raise a cheer.
00:01:47Far and near for the birds and the boos now that summer's here.
00:01:53I'll never go again across the sunny Spain to serenade a seignore underneath her windowpane.
00:02:03Come on down here, my little flower.
00:02:04But the plover on the cost of proper.
00:02:09I didn't know the matador was her father.
00:02:13So give me England every time, my dear.
00:02:18Give me England any time of year.
00:02:22Come on, everybody, raise a cheer.
00:02:26Far and near for the birds and the boos now that summer's here.
00:02:34In 1970, we went to Italy to sample all the Deloitte's down in Napoli.
00:02:41Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:02:44The signorina's there.
00:02:46Could not be keener there.
00:02:48But I've a scar from her part of brew.
00:02:50I've been there.
00:02:53So give me England every time, my dear.
00:02:57Give me England any time of year.
00:03:01Come on, everybody, raise a cheer.
00:03:04Hooray!
00:03:04Far and near for the birds and the boos now that summer's here.
00:03:06Hello.
00:03:07It's Timmy Lee yet again.
00:03:09Now, only Sid could have come up with a brilliant idea of reopening a holiday camp in March.
00:03:15It was so cold the Russians were trying to send political prisoners there.
00:03:18And the wind. You could hardly hear your teeth chatter.
00:03:24Oh, this must be the life of Timmy, eh?
00:03:28Entertainment officers. Fun for all holiday camp.
00:03:32Can you think of a better position?
00:03:35No, Sid.
00:03:37There's no doubt about it, Timmy. This time I've really landed a Sinclova.
00:03:41You and I have got a brilliant brother-in-law.
00:03:44Yes, Sid.
00:03:46But listen, shouldn't we think about laying on something?
00:03:49Relax, will you? Relax.
00:03:53The less we organise, the less we've got to do.
00:03:58We're on a cushy number here.
00:04:01Oh, steady on, darling. You nearly bruised Siddy's lips there.
00:04:10Sorry.
00:04:16Hello.
00:04:17Oh, Lionel's coming. Sit.
00:04:19Well, that'll be the day. What's up, Ivna?
00:04:22I don't know, dear. Rumour that fickle jade has it that the camp has been sold.
00:04:27And you are wanted in the office immediately.
00:04:29To-o.
00:04:30Sold?
00:04:31Sold?
00:04:33He's got the phone.
00:04:34What?
00:04:37Hello, campers.
00:04:38Don't forget to collect your packed lunches from the main restaurant
00:04:42for their magical mystery tour.
00:04:45Hey, Mush. Where's Noddy?
00:04:52Noddy?
00:04:53Yeah.
00:04:54If by any chance you are referring to the previous owner, Mr. Nudgeley,
00:04:58may I inform you that he has already departed, leaving you his best wishes.
00:05:02And for your information, I am not Mush. I am William Whitebuck, the new owner.
00:05:07Late, but never in a temporal sense, of Her Majesty's prison, Dartfleet.
00:05:14What were you up for? Murder? Rape? Arson?
00:05:19I was the chief warder, lad.
00:05:21Eh?
00:05:22And I had better warn you at the start of our relationship
00:05:24that I cannot abide whingers, cringers, whiners, skivers, malingerers or backsliders
00:05:29and I am fairly certain that you are in that list somewhere.
00:05:31Oh, no.
00:05:32Smile yourself up, lad. Disgrace of the uniform.
00:05:34Get that scruffy vest off. Get a shirt on.
00:05:35I am going to get a grip nugget.
00:05:37Yes.
00:05:38Henceforward, there are only going to be two ways of doing things.
00:05:41My way and the wrong way.
00:05:43Yes.
00:05:44Anyone who does not play ball with me will have no balls with which to play.
00:05:47Is that clear?
00:05:48Oh, yes. Perfectly, sir.
00:05:49Right.
00:05:50According to this, you are the entertainment's officer.
00:05:51Yes, that's right.
00:05:52Well, outline your programme, lad.
00:05:53Eh?
00:05:54Oh!
00:05:55Er...
00:05:56Come on, come on, lad.
00:05:57Well, er...
00:05:58Well, er...
00:05:59We have the occasional sing-song, you know, when everybody's pissed.
00:06:03I mean, er...
00:06:04I had a few.
00:06:05Sing-song?
00:06:06Yes, sir.
00:06:07And then there's the, er, clock golf.
00:06:09And the donkey derby.
00:06:11When we can get the donkeys, of course.
00:06:13And the fancy dress.
00:06:15Not very inspired, is it, Nogget?
00:06:18I think perhaps our parting of the ways had better come sooner rather than later.
00:06:25And the beauty contest, sir.
00:06:29Beauty contest, eh?
00:06:31Tell me more, Nogget.
00:06:33Well, er...
00:06:35Ah, well...
00:06:36It's only in the early planning stages, as it were, sir, at the moment, you see.
00:06:41But I think it could be very big.
00:06:45I think it's got enormous publicity value.
00:06:50I hope so, for your sake, lad.
00:06:52Because if this beauty contest doesn't go off with a bang, you will go out with a thud.
00:06:56Is that clear?
00:06:57Yes, sir.
00:06:58Now, then, according to this, you've got an assistant called, er...
00:07:01Lee.
00:07:02Lee.
00:07:03Lee.
00:07:04Yes.
00:07:05Now, where is he?
00:07:06Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
00:07:07He's always on the job.
00:07:11Oh!
00:07:12Do not find it very easy.
00:07:14Well, open up a bit more, and you'll find it will slip in quite easy.
00:07:17Oh!
00:07:18Oh!
00:07:19It... it keeps slipping out.
00:07:20Why are they...?
00:07:22Slide it... backwards!
00:07:24Oh!
00:07:25And forwards.
00:07:26There.
00:07:27Oh!
00:07:28Oh!
00:07:29Oh!
00:07:30It is easy for you.
00:07:31Oh!
00:07:32Do you not think maybe we should be looking after the guests?
00:07:36I mean, not at all.
00:07:37We are the holiday hosts.
00:07:39Oh, don't worry about them.
00:07:40Sid said they're much happier being left alone.
00:07:44I'll bet you cannot get your balls in here.
00:07:50Pardon?
00:07:54Listen, Bridget, don't be so ridiculous.
00:07:56The idea of this game is to get your balls in the pocket.
00:08:00Oh, that's such a silly game.
00:08:02If you have to put the balls in the pockets, why you need the diamond?
00:08:08That's a good question.
00:08:10Ah!
00:08:11Oh!
00:08:13I will show you, mon petit.
00:08:15Well, I won't show you, mon petit, but...
00:08:17Mmm!
00:08:18Mmm!
00:08:19Mmm!
00:08:20Mmm!
00:08:21Mmm!
00:08:22Right, Nugget.
00:08:23I want to call a meeting of all the holiday hosts.
00:08:25Oh, yes.
00:08:26I'm going to harangue the lot of them.
00:08:27Ah!
00:08:28Shall I bring a rope, sir?
00:08:29I said harangue, not hang, Nugget.
00:08:30No looking at you.
00:08:31Possibly yours is the better idea.
00:08:33Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:08:34Yes, sir.
00:08:35Oh!
00:08:36Oh!
00:08:37Oh!
00:08:38You're wonderful to me.
00:08:39Nugget, sir.
00:08:40Remind me.
00:08:41What goes on in there again?
00:08:43Er...
00:08:44Oh!
00:08:45Er...
00:08:46That's the billiard room, sir.
00:08:47It's a very popular recreational activity.
00:08:49Oh!
00:08:50Oh!
00:08:51Oh!
00:08:52Oh!
00:08:53Oh!
00:08:54Oh!
00:08:55Oh!
00:08:56Nugget, I'm talking to you.
00:08:58What exactly is going on in there, Nugget?
00:09:01Come out of the way and let me see.
00:09:02Nothing.
00:09:03Nothing.
00:09:04Nothing.
00:09:05Ah, bonjour.
00:09:09Ah!
00:09:10Bonjour.
00:09:11Very likely.
00:09:15He's very good at it, isn't he?
00:09:21Lucky I got it in, eh?
00:09:22Ah, oui.
00:09:23Ah, oui, indeed.
00:09:24Hoo, hoo, hoo.
00:09:25Let's see if I can get that big red one in.
00:09:29Mr. Nugget, I'm closing the door of the 23rd.
00:09:31Would you recommend...
00:09:32Oh!
00:09:33God!
00:09:34That's what he says.
00:09:35Ah!
00:09:36Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:38Good morning.
00:09:39Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:40You all right, Sid?
00:09:41Of course I'm all right.
00:09:42Well, it's your face.
00:09:43It's, um...
00:09:46I'm smiling.
00:09:47Oh!
00:09:48The infant for all philosophy demands a warm and happy smile for everybody.
00:09:54From morning until night.
00:09:56Or 12 hours a day, if necessary.
00:09:58Aren't you going a bit too passive?
00:10:00But you heard what white monks said, didn't you?
00:10:01Eh?
00:10:02Flash your teeth, kid.
00:10:04The teeth, right?
00:10:06Then you divide the camp into four suits.
00:10:09Get them to play games against each other until they are so knackered.
00:10:14They don't want to complain about anything.
00:10:17Oh, my God.
00:10:19It's just gonna be...
00:10:20It's just gonna be all gone from here on in.
00:10:22How are we gonna cope, Sid?
00:10:23Well, I don't know, do I?
00:10:25But we're going to.
00:10:26Because I'm not interested in failure, Timor.
00:10:28Nor am I.
00:10:29But I'll tell you something.
00:10:30If I lose this job, our Rosie's never gonna talk to me again.
00:10:32I mean, she went spare when the driving school went bust.
00:10:35Oh, she's coming down, isn't she, Sid?
00:10:37Oh, don't show me.
00:10:39Eh, and your mum, and your dad, and baby Jason.
00:10:42Oh, they chose the right time, didn't they?
00:10:44I'll tell you what, kid.
00:10:46I wouldn't even have invited them if I thought they were gonna accept, would I?
00:10:51Don't you worry about a thing, Sidney.
00:10:53Oh, thank you.
00:10:54You can rely on me, mate.
00:10:55Oh, boy, have I heard that before.
00:11:00Listen, kid, all I want you to do is just concentrate on White Monk's beauty competition.
00:11:07Right.
00:11:08Beauty competition?
00:11:09That's a stupid idea, isn't it, Sid?
00:11:10Well, I mean, that's what I've been telling him, isn't it?
00:11:12But he's mad keen on the idea, kid.
00:11:15You get it?
00:11:16Yeah.
00:11:17Miss British Holiday Camps.
00:11:19Huh?
00:11:20ÂŁ500 first prize, automatic entry to Miss Globe Concerts in London.
00:11:24Well, he thinks it will get a lot of publicity.
00:11:26Yeah, just finalise the details.
00:11:28So, what we've got to do, Sid, is get some cracking-looking birds, eh?
00:11:31You've got it.
00:11:32Exactly, kid.
00:11:33Now, listen, what I want you to do is take these forms...
00:11:36I said.
00:11:37...and get out and comb that camp for talent, kid.
00:11:40Yes, yes.
00:11:41You know what I mean?
00:11:42Yes, yes.
00:11:43Because if you and I don't come up with a bevy of fun for all beauties and make a success of this, you and me are for the chop.
00:11:53Oh.
00:11:54Got it?
00:11:55Yes.
00:11:56What do you like?
00:11:57Chop, chop.
00:11:58Right?
00:11:59Hey!
00:12:00Remember, will you?
00:12:01A lot of birds get carried away when there's 500 quid, it's sake, so...
00:12:05Please.
00:12:06Don't expose yourself to any temptations, though.
00:12:08No, Sid.
00:12:09We don't want any embarrassment like we had with Bridget in the pilliard room, now, do we?
00:12:13Huh?
00:12:14No, Sid.
00:12:15And remember what white monks said.
00:12:19No.
00:12:20No.
00:12:21Sure.
00:12:22An efficient camp is a happy prison!
00:12:26Oh, God, no.
00:12:28I'm in camp.
00:12:29I'm in camp.
00:12:30I'm in camp.
00:12:31I'm in camp.
00:12:32Yes.
00:12:33Yes.
00:12:34What I want you to do is concentrate on the job in hand, all right?
00:12:39And remember that white monk is watching your every move, kid.
00:12:46And Timo!
00:12:48What?
00:12:49Oh, God.
00:12:50Don't you remember?
00:12:52No.
00:12:53What?
00:12:54Smile!
00:12:56Yes.
00:12:58Oh, yes!
00:13:01Oh, yes!
00:13:10Sid was clearly going bonkers.
00:13:11The rain must have rusted up the inside of his nut.
00:13:14Still, a natural sense of loyalty and stupidity sent me out with my sheaf of beauty contest entry forms.
00:13:20Look at them.
00:13:22Poor devils.
00:13:23They'd have been better off with anti-frostbite creep.
00:13:26Would you, uh, like to, uh, enter the beauty contest, madam?
00:13:29Oh, yes.
00:13:31Fill it in at your leisure.
00:13:35Morning!
00:13:36Beauty competition, madam?
00:13:38Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:13:42Ah, here's a right little cracker.
00:13:44Right, switch on the old e-magnetism and in like Flynn.
00:13:49Oh, excuse me, uh, miss, have you, uh...
00:13:55Have you, uh, got our light, please?
00:14:00Oh, um, yes.
00:14:02I don't seem to have got my cigarettes with me.
00:14:05Ha, ha, ha.
00:14:06Silly me.
00:14:08Ah.
00:14:09Excuse me, sir.
00:14:12Excuse me, uh, do you mind if I just help myself?
00:14:15No.
00:14:16Thanks very much.
00:14:18Oh!
00:14:19Oh!
00:14:20Oh!
00:14:21Oh!
00:14:22Oh!
00:14:23Oh!
00:14:24Oh!
00:14:25Oh!
00:14:26Oh!
00:14:27There we are.
00:14:28Just get them back there.
00:14:29Don't forget the camp motto.
00:14:30Smile.
00:14:36What's your game?
00:14:38I was, uh, just trying to enter your wife for the, uh...
00:14:42Oh!
00:14:43How dare you?
00:14:44Let's...
00:14:45Let's go and talk about this somewhere.
00:14:46Like, uh...
00:14:47In...
00:14:48In the pool.
00:14:49Uh...
00:14:50Ah!
00:14:51My best jacket!
00:14:52Look!
00:14:53Hang on, I've got a...
00:14:54Ah!
00:14:59Blimey.
00:15:00When it said in the brochure that everything in the camp was thrown in.
00:15:02I didn't know it included me.
00:15:06Ah!
00:15:07Listen!
00:15:08Madam!
00:15:09I...
00:15:10I...
00:15:11I...
00:15:12I...
00:15:13I...
00:15:14I...
00:15:19Hey, you!
00:15:20Go on, off it!
00:15:23What would your mum say, eh?
00:15:25That is my mum!
00:15:29Oh!
00:15:30Ah!
00:15:32Ah!
00:15:34You do...
00:15:36Dad!
00:15:38Come back here, you midget!
00:15:40You little rat!
00:15:42Oi!
00:15:44That's it, mate!
00:15:46That's it! Right!
00:15:48Ha!
00:15:50Ha!
00:15:52Ha!
00:15:54Ha!
00:15:56Ha!
00:15:58Lovely little chap, isn't he, eh?
00:16:00Go and find your mum.
00:16:02Yes, you go and find your mum.
00:16:04No! Listen! No! I'm off duty!
00:16:06I've got no time for a swim!
00:16:12All right, keep your knees up, all right, keep your knees up.
00:16:14Right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
00:16:18That's it we do, Mum.
00:16:20I soon discovered what Sid meant by getting everybody too exhausted to complain.
00:16:24Most of them didn't know whether they were coming or going.
00:16:26And they were too knackered to do either.
00:16:38Now behave yourselves, will you?
00:16:40Give over, will you, please?
00:16:42Why don't you do something useful like smashing each other up?
00:16:46And there'll be less of you at the end of the week. That's better!
00:16:50Look!
00:16:52Go and bash your guns up and...
00:16:54Go and play on the road outside.
00:16:56You'll enjoy it there. It's busy.
00:16:58All right, Fred. How's it going, mate? All right?
00:17:00Oh!
00:17:02Dyer, if you'll pardon the expression,
00:17:04Bolliful.
00:17:06Everything's that new fella took over.
00:17:08He's got me doing everything.
00:17:10Pulling up and down here like a blue fly.
00:17:12I'm on the gates one minute. I don't know where I'm up to.
00:17:14Come on!
00:17:16Give over, Kevin!
00:17:18Always.
00:17:20Stop it!
00:17:22It's not nice and it's not good for you.
00:17:24Just blow them up.
00:17:26That's that kid who put the piranha in the goldfish bomb.
00:17:30Come along! Knees up! Knees up!
00:17:34Knees up!
00:17:36What's going on?
00:17:38Oh, come along, kiddies, now. Come along.
00:17:40Come on!
00:17:41Down and smooth!
00:17:42Never mind, kiddlywinks!
00:17:44Never mind the whistle.
00:17:46Come along there. Face me, please.
00:17:48Should have plenty of wind left now.
00:17:50Toes touch now!
00:17:54Mrs. Hoskins obviously has a lot of wind left.
00:17:56Let's try it again. Toes down.
00:18:00There he is. Off you go, then.
00:18:04That's it. Oh.
00:18:06Oh, dear. Hello. What's your name?
00:18:08Sarah.
00:18:09Sarah.
00:18:10Come on, Sarah.
00:18:11See you later. Bye.
00:18:13Lovely age, isn't it?
00:18:14Yes, lovely.
00:18:15Yes, lovely.
00:18:16Listen, I was wondering if you'd enter for the beauty contest at all.
00:18:20Me? I'm a married woman.
00:18:22Get away, you're not.
00:18:23Yes.
00:18:24You mean that little girl is yours?
00:18:25Yes.
00:18:26I thought she must be your kid sister or something.
00:18:28You're just saying that.
00:18:29No, I'm not.
00:18:30Listen, fill in one of these forms at your convenience.
00:18:32Mm-hmm.
00:18:33Well, it doesn't have to be your convenience anywhere or two.
00:18:35Ha, ha, ha.
00:18:36Well, I don't know what my husband will say.
00:18:38Ah, I'll be proud of you, honest.
00:18:40Now, listen, there's a rehearsal at the swimming pool, three o'clock.
00:18:43Now, don't forget, you'll be a sensation.
00:18:45Well, I'll, uh, have to think about it.
00:18:49See you Thursday.
00:18:51Mm, bye.
00:18:53Hello, campers.
00:18:54I'm sorry, tonight's supper menu should read Plum Duck and not Duff Plumber.
00:19:02You're a spade, aren't you?
00:19:04Oh, however did you guess?
00:19:05Look, I hope you, uh, don't mind me saying this, uh, but I'd like to enter you.
00:19:10Oh.
00:19:11Uh, for the beauty contest, of course.
00:19:13Oh, you raised my hopes for a moment.
00:19:15You mean it doesn't matter about me being black?
00:19:18Oh, no, there's no colour, bra.
00:19:20I mean, bar.
00:19:21No, you can be any creed, colour or sex.
00:19:24Oh.
00:19:25Now, I'm sure you've got to be a woman.
00:19:26Yeah, mind you, in your case, there's no problem, is there?
00:19:30Pleasure.
00:19:31Hi there, holidaymakers.
00:19:32Can we have the finalists for the over-60s netball competition?
00:19:36Oh, I want to see that.
00:19:38Look, I'll talk to you about the contest later.
00:19:45Oh, I can see what they mean now by racial tension.
00:19:57Oh, you'll be the fastest this week.
00:20:01There you go.
00:20:02Was that better?
00:20:03Oh, fantastic.
00:20:05Uh, listen, I'd like to, uh,
00:20:08I'd like to have a word in private with you about the beauty contest.
00:20:12I think you've got two outstanding chances.
00:20:16I was having trouble with a throttle.
00:20:18Uh-huh.
00:20:19Uh-huh.
00:20:20I know exactly how it felt.
00:20:22Listen there, let's, uh, meander over here.
00:20:25I'd like to fill you in on a few of the details.
00:20:27I think that you could well finish in the frame.
00:20:35Morning.
00:20:36Well, I was wondering how many lessons it would take.
00:20:39Oh.
00:20:42Oh.
00:20:43Hi, girls.
00:20:44I'm Timmy Lee.
00:20:45Do you want to enter the, uh...
00:20:46Ooh.
00:20:47Oh, dear.
00:20:48Hello.
00:20:49I'm glad this is me friend, Reed.
00:20:53What do you want to ask us?
00:20:54I hope.
00:20:55No, uh...
00:20:56I don't.
00:20:57No, I was just wondering if you'd like to enter the, um...
00:21:00Beauty contest.
00:21:02Oh, I don't know.
00:21:04What do you think, Reed?
00:21:06Well, we have to expose our bodies to scrutiny.
00:21:11Yes, I'm afraid there is that to it, yes.
00:21:13Leave us a couple of forms and I'll discuss it with me friends.
00:21:16Oh, right, there we go.
00:21:21Bill, can you draw off one of those?
00:21:24Drive?
00:21:25Me?
00:21:26Well, yes, I've, uh, done a bit, yes.
00:21:29It looks so dangerous.
00:21:31No, no.
00:21:32There's nothing to it, really.
00:21:35Listen, I'll show you.
00:21:36Cough all of these, right.
00:21:37Out of the way.
00:21:38Right.
00:21:40Wahey!
00:21:41Oh!
00:21:42Oh!
00:21:43Oh!
00:21:44Oh!
00:21:45Oh!
00:21:46Oh!
00:21:47Oh!
00:21:48Oh!
00:21:49Oh!
00:21:50Oh!
00:21:51Oh!
00:21:52Oh!
00:21:53Oh!
00:21:54Oh!
00:21:55Oh!
00:21:56Oh!
00:21:57Oh!
00:21:58Oh!
00:22:01Oh!
00:22:02Oh!
00:22:03Oh!
00:22:04Oh!
00:22:05Oh!
00:22:06Oh!
00:22:07Oh!
00:22:08Oh, now, let me take you round the curves.
00:22:13On the curves.
00:22:16Oh!
00:22:17Oh!
00:22:18Oh!
00:22:20Oh!
00:22:21Oh!
00:22:22Oh!
00:22:23Oh!
00:22:25Oh, what the hell was that? You bastard!
00:22:32I'll pretty well kill you for this, I'm telling you. I love you, you little git. Drown, you git! Drown! See if I care!
00:22:39Don't forget, this evening at the Hippodrome, it's Monty, Raver and the Harmonica ruffians.
00:22:44Plus the sweet country sound of biff and scratch.
00:22:48And still the rain came down. Not that I noticed it anymore.
00:22:53I dressed under the shower just to feel normal.
00:22:55It wasn't much fun for the kids, either. Some of them were developing webbed feet.
00:22:58Still, there's no good moaning. Like Sid says, you've got to keep a bright smile on your face.
00:23:04Oh, blimey! White Monk! I think I'll squat this one out for a few minutes.
00:23:08There's something about that bloke that gives me the creeps, and creeps is the right word.
00:23:12I always get a nasty feeling that he may be creeping up behind me.
00:23:17Lee!
00:23:19My all-seeing eye is ever upon you, sunshine. Your face is the essence of depravity, as is your modus operandi.
00:23:27Oh, thank you very much, sir.
00:23:29And this beauty contest idea of yours had better work out, otherwise you and your friend Nogget are going to be off this camp so fast your plimsolls will leave scorched rubber marks.
00:23:38Right. We're right on top of it, sir.
00:23:40And always remember, I do not like layabouts, laggards, loafers or lechers.
00:23:46Oh, come on, here we are!
00:23:56Oh, all right, all right!
00:23:58Come on, don't mess up her!
00:23:59The things are heavy!
00:24:00Heavy, heavy!
00:24:01Come on, gold!
00:24:02Oh!
00:24:03Oh!
00:24:04Oh!
00:24:05Funny smell!
00:24:06It's probably Jason.
00:24:07It's not!
00:24:08No, it's not!
00:24:09It's the ozo!
00:24:10The what?
00:24:11Ozo!
00:24:12Slip it up!
00:24:13Cool!
00:24:14See what you mean?
00:24:15Yeah, good, innit?
00:24:16Yes!
00:24:17He gets right down!
00:24:18Oh!
00:24:19Oh!
00:24:20Get out of the way!
00:24:21Here he is!
00:24:22Love, love, love, love, love!
00:24:23I'll go!
00:24:24That's better!
00:24:25I'll find the car!
00:24:27He's full of the holiday spirit, ain't he?
00:24:30Not now, he ain't love!
00:24:31Look, Jason!
00:24:32Oh!
00:24:33Here, Ted says something about some transport, Jason!
00:24:37Well, I don't know.
00:24:38He's probably got a lot on his mind, love!
00:24:40Where's that car, then?
00:24:42Here, mate.
00:24:44This is it.
00:24:45This is it.
00:24:47Oi!
00:24:48Hey!
00:24:49This is it!
00:24:50It's over here!
00:24:51Oh!
00:24:56Oh!
00:24:57Look!
00:24:58Oh!
00:24:59Oh, it's there for us!
00:25:00Yeah!
00:25:01Been all right, innit?
00:25:02Well!
00:25:03That's it!
00:25:04That's it!
00:25:05He's done something right for a change!
00:25:06Oh, lovely!
00:25:09Come on!
00:25:10Off!
00:25:11Off!
00:25:12Down the car inside, please!
00:25:13Wait a minute!
00:25:14Come on!
00:25:15Get in!
00:25:16What is going on?
00:25:17Hang on a minute!
00:25:18Hang on a minute!
00:25:19Hang on a minute!
00:25:20Come on, love!
00:25:21Oh!
00:25:22Get in your village!
00:25:23Come on!
00:25:24Come on!
00:25:25Come on!
00:25:26Give me none, girl!
00:25:27Go on!
00:25:28In you get!
00:25:29All right, governor!
00:25:30You're doing all right, two of them!
00:25:31Hello!
00:25:32Come on, girl!
00:25:33Come on!
00:25:34Here!
00:25:35Left your bees at home, have you?
00:25:37Come on!
00:25:38Come on, darling!
00:25:39That'll be good!
00:25:40Right!
00:25:41Do you know, this is the first time I've been to one of these!
00:25:44Oh, well, don't cry, love!
00:25:46It can't rain all the sun!
00:25:48Even if it does, mum, there'll be plenty of things to do!
00:25:50Oh, yeah!
00:25:51Here!
00:25:52Why don't we have a nice little sing-song?
00:25:53All right!
00:25:54All right!
00:25:55How about?
00:25:56How about then?
00:25:57My old mate, said follow the van, and a dilly-dally on the way!
00:26:04Oh, dilly-dally on the way!
00:26:05Oh, dilly-dally!
00:26:06All for the van with me, oh, back to thee!
00:26:10I'm with you!
00:26:12Oh, dilly-dally!
00:26:14And a dilly-dally!
00:26:16A dilly-dally!
00:26:17And a dilly-dally!
00:26:18Lost me by and done our way to roam!
00:26:21And a dilly-dally!
00:26:22Come on!
00:26:23Come on, come on!
00:26:24How's he come?
00:26:25Trust the special of your own time, copper!
00:26:27When you come find your way I'll be around!
00:26:31My old man said follow the van, and a dilly-dally on the way!
00:26:38All right?
00:26:40Oh, wind on the way!
00:26:41We'll be on! We'll be on!
00:27:09That bloody waitress has emigrated.
00:27:11You wait till I get my hands on that Sidney.
00:27:14We're dying mild of nutrition here, before we're finished.
00:27:17I'm starving, I've eaten a bloody horse.
00:27:19Ooh, that food looks nice.
00:27:21You probably will eat horse here.
00:27:23Any chance of getting served in the next 12 months?
00:27:26Isn't it marvellous, eh?
00:27:28Walter!
00:27:30And watch your manners here. Use your serviette.
00:27:33Hey, serviette.
00:27:37Dad! Walter!
00:27:39Hello, campers!
00:27:42Hello, he's a bit vice versa.
00:27:44Now, come along, you can be much better than that.
00:27:46Hello, campers!
00:27:48Hello!
00:27:49Oh, isn't that nice?
00:27:52Well, now, I don't want to impede the passage of your delicious dindins,
00:27:56but now's the time for the mealtime marathon.
00:27:58Who's going to try and beat the record today, I wonder?
00:28:01Is it going to be the hearts, the spades, the clubs, or the diamonds, I wonder?
00:28:06Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?
00:28:08We always find out the same way.
00:28:09Eyes closed.
00:28:10Aim and...
00:28:12Over!
00:28:13Yeah!
00:28:14Come on!
00:28:15Come on!
00:28:16Come on!
00:28:17Up you come!
00:28:19Come on!
00:28:20Up you come!
00:28:21Up you come!
00:28:22Up you come!
00:28:23Up you stand!
00:28:25Oh, yes!
00:28:26You'd better put that in the oven.
00:28:31Come along, lad.
00:28:41Very hard, yes.
00:28:43Time for one.
00:28:44Hey, hey, go on.
00:28:56Oh, only another 15 miles before 7 o'clock and you'll put clubs in the lead.
00:29:03Yes, well done. I'll keep an eye on you.
00:29:09Oh, I love sitting down to a nice cold plate.
00:29:27And desist.
00:29:29That's top to you, dear.
00:29:30Well done.
00:29:31Let's see how you got on, shall we?
00:29:33Yes.
00:29:34Oh, you're never going to believe this.
00:29:36You're never going to believe this.
00:29:38You missed it by 300 yards.
00:29:40Never mind.
00:29:41Very well done, wasn't it?
00:29:42Very well done.
00:29:43Now, come along.
00:29:44Let's have a big handy-pandy, please, dear.
00:29:45What was your name again?
00:29:47Mr. Watton.
00:29:48Oh, no, my big handy-pandy, yes, please.
00:29:50Come on.
00:29:51How about a bit of nosh?
00:29:53I haven't had nothing yet.
00:29:54Sorry, we don't serve meals after 7 o'clock.
00:29:577 o'clock?
00:29:58Bloody marvellous, isn't it?
00:30:00I'm going to have a drink.
00:30:02No, you're not.
00:30:03The bar's closed.
00:30:04Oh, God.
00:30:05What a right holiday this is.
00:30:10It says here,
00:30:11any holiday host who gets involved with a guest will be dismissed forthwith,
00:30:15if not quicker.
00:30:24Oh, hello.
00:30:25Oh.
00:30:34I'm a bit busy at the moment.
00:30:35I'm reading a book.
00:30:37I want to fill out a form.
00:30:39Well, looks like you already have.
00:30:41No, seriously, you can't be here, you see.
00:30:44Um, Mr. Whitebunk would do his nuts.
00:30:47But he's not here.
00:30:49Is he?
00:30:50No.
00:30:51No, he's not.
00:30:52It's just you.
00:30:55And me.
00:30:57Yes, I suppose it is.
00:30:59Yes.
00:31:00I bet you've got a fantastic sense of rhythm.
00:31:03Well.
00:31:04How about you and me having a little shuffle and getting to know each other better?
00:31:13Well, um, just a tiny one.
00:31:17Then you really must go, because, um, I want to press my blazer.
00:31:24It might even be better with music.
00:31:26Yes, it might be.
00:31:28Oh, sorry.
00:31:33Go.
00:31:44Oh, that's the rhythm, honky.
00:31:46Oh, this is the stuff.
00:31:52Five hundred pounds.
00:31:54You and I could come to, uh, interesting split.
00:31:59Oh, listen, uh, if you think you can get round me with sex,
00:32:02you may as well.
00:32:04Oh.
00:32:05You're right.
00:32:06Oh, lordy.
00:32:07I always wondered if it was true what they said about you white boys.
00:32:11What?
00:32:12Do your lives.
00:32:27Whoa!
00:32:28Oh!
00:32:34Oh, oh!
00:32:36Oh!
00:32:37Oh!
00:32:38Oh!
00:32:39Oh!
00:32:40Oh, my off, will you?
00:32:43What's that?
00:32:45Don't stop, honey. I'm going into orbit.
00:32:48Oh!
00:32:49Oh!
00:32:51Oh!
00:32:52Oh, yes, Father.
00:32:54Oh!
00:32:55Oh!
00:32:56Oh!
00:32:57Oh!
00:32:58Oh!
00:32:59Oh!
00:33:00Oh!
00:33:01Oh!
00:33:02Oh!
00:33:03Oh!
00:33:04Oh!
00:33:05Oh!
00:33:06Oh!
00:33:07Oh!
00:33:08Oh!
00:33:09Oh!
00:33:10Oh!
00:33:11Oh!
00:33:12Oh!
00:33:13Oh!
00:33:14Oh!
00:33:15Oh!
00:33:16Oh!
00:33:17Oh!
00:33:18Oh!
00:33:19Oh!
00:33:20Oh!
00:33:21Oh!
00:33:22Oh!
00:33:23Oh!
00:33:24Oh!
00:33:25I reckon he's got a bird in there.
00:33:27Filthy little swine.
00:33:29Oh!
00:33:30Oh!
00:33:31Oh!
00:33:32Oh!
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:34He ain't half giving up.
00:33:36Oh!
00:33:37Oh!
00:33:38Oh!
00:33:39Oh!
00:33:40Oh!
00:33:52Oh!
00:33:53Oh!
00:33:54Oh!
00:33:55Sayde!
00:33:56What's the matter with you?
00:33:57Shut up, will ya?
00:34:04Phew. Talk about doing the black bottom.
00:34:07It was more like going 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali.
00:34:10And losing every one of them.
00:34:12Took me 10 minutes to get me pyjamas on.
00:34:14As it was a need to bothered.
00:34:18Oh, no.
00:34:27I suppose it's about a beauty contest.
00:34:35Yeah, I'd like you to scrutinize me.
00:34:39Oh, sounds very interesting, but I can't.
00:34:42Anyways, where's your friend?
00:34:44Oh, she's waiting in the alley bar the pally.
00:34:47Good. Why don't you come in?
00:34:52I'll get you an entry form and you can fill it in.
00:34:57Oh!
00:35:00Oh, God.
00:35:02You must be seen.
00:35:03Blimey!
00:35:13Hello, love.
00:35:14Mum.
00:35:15Sorry to be so late, but I brought these nice woolly vests for you.
00:35:18You know, it can get very parky down here.
00:35:20Shall I put them in the cupboard for you, love?
00:35:22No!
00:35:23Oh, no.
00:35:24Oh, no.
00:35:25Don't stick it in there, please.
00:35:26Don't stick it in there.
00:35:27He's still at it.
00:35:28I mean, it's too small.
00:35:29Oh, thank you so much.
00:35:30Oh, I'll open the oven.
00:35:31Bďż˝-B golf.
00:35:32Look out of it, mar!
00:35:33Oh, yes, Cabinet.
00:35:34Oh, no.
00:35:35Oh, he's still at her.
00:35:36I mean, it's too small.
00:35:37Ah.
00:35:38Oh, it isn't so much.
00:35:40Oh, bloody oven!
00:35:42Bloody Mod!
00:35:43Oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:35:44Come on, everyone. You've got to open it there.
00:35:47Open it, you...
00:35:48Sidney, what on earth are you doing here?
00:35:51Don't you know people are trying to get to sleep?
00:35:53What else Rosie gonna think about it? Come on, back to your shelly at once.
00:35:57You'll get your death of cold out here like this.
00:35:59I don't know what you're thinking of, aren't you?
00:36:08What are you doing?
00:36:09I want to show you my costume.
00:36:12Ring thinks it goes a bit too far.
00:36:15Oh, does she?
00:36:16I'd do anything to come somewhere.
00:36:28Oh, Sid!
00:36:42Will you get on me, please?
00:36:53I'm gonna blow me bolts. Come now.
00:37:00Now, listen.
00:37:01If you place me, I'll place you.
00:37:12Oh, that's very kind of you, but I'm afraid I'm a little bit busy at the moment.
00:37:17I want some. I know you got me.
00:37:23Oh!
00:37:25I know you came right there.
00:37:32Oh!
00:37:36Sage!
00:37:37Oh, man.
00:37:38Oh, the filthy pervert.
00:37:53Oh, stoned man.
00:37:55Hey, get off us, will you?
00:37:57Hey, leave us alone.
00:37:58Hey, leave me alone, you.
00:37:59I'm a married man.
00:38:00I'm not bent.
00:38:01I'm not bent.
00:38:14Good morning, campers.
00:38:15Wakey, wakey.
00:38:16We welcome you to another bright, sunny day of happiness and good cheer.
00:38:20No, Daddy, feel right.
00:38:21Come on, Walter.
00:38:23Look, here's a nice place.
00:38:24What?
00:38:25It's my shoes.
00:38:26I can't hurry up with these.
00:38:27Well, you shouldn't wear bloody old shoes on us, then.
00:38:30Oh, no, well, I didn't know, did I?
00:38:32Where's Jason?
00:38:33Could've stopped and had a game of bingo.
00:38:34Would've been better than this.
00:38:35You'd call this a beach.
00:38:36It's all right.
00:38:36Here, Dad.
00:38:37Can you put this up?
00:38:39Here.
00:38:40Oh, he's all right.
00:38:41He's playing with that little boy.
00:38:44Now, let your mother have a go.
00:38:45Here, put that up.
00:38:46Mum can't do it.
00:38:47You can't do anything, can you?
00:38:48Stop messing about.
00:38:49Everyone's lucky.
00:38:50No, I can't do it.
00:38:50Bloody old, you women.
00:38:52He should've saved the pub.
00:38:55Oh, she should've run the fun of an honor to ears.
00:38:59Where's this thing, girl?
00:39:00Here you are, Mum.
00:39:01I've done that one.
00:39:03You can sit in there.
00:39:04Lovely.
00:39:05All right?
00:39:05Make yourself comfortable.
00:39:07Want your bag?
00:39:08Here you are, then.
00:39:10Attention, please.
00:39:11I'm afraid if campus continues to use toilet rolls and streamers,
00:39:15we shall have to install streamers in the toilets.
00:39:25Ooh!
00:39:25Here you are.
00:39:26Here you are.
00:39:27Hello.
00:39:27Hey!
00:39:28The floor will interrupt you.
00:39:29Now, I'll go.
00:40:01Oh, I did have a nice little nap.
00:40:07What a nice cup of tea, Walter.
00:40:09Walter.
00:40:11Oh, my God, he's buried him.
00:40:14Look, this kid's buried him dead.
00:40:16Come on, give his hand.
00:40:17Oh, my God.
00:40:20Look at it.
00:40:21It's terrible.
00:40:23Oh, my God.
00:40:25What are you two doing?
00:40:26What are we doing?
00:40:27We're trying to rescue me husband.
00:40:29He's under here.
00:40:29What are you talking about?
00:40:32What?
00:40:34Hey?
00:40:35He's there.
00:40:36Oh, Dad.
00:40:37I'm grateful.
00:40:39We were trying to save your life, weren't we?
00:40:42You go, Mr. Jufright.
00:40:43All right, no need to get excited.
00:40:46Oh, come on.
00:40:47Blimey, getting worked up like that.
00:40:48Right, me?
00:40:49Really?
00:40:50Where the hell's my wallet?
00:40:51Oh, I don't know where your wallet is.
00:40:52Well, it was any of you, for Christ.
00:40:54I bet that little son's buried it.
00:40:56Get off out of it before I kick you up the address.
00:40:57Go on.
00:40:58Get off out of it before I get you.
00:41:06Right.
00:41:08Roy!
00:41:09What do you think you're doing?
00:41:10What do you want to look at me with your bloody wallet?
00:41:12Yeah, well, be more bloody careful.
00:41:14No, no, no.
00:41:16Give order.
00:41:18Let's not let any unpleasantness mark our holiday happiness.
00:41:21Yeah, I tell him to keep his nose out of my bloody affairs.
00:41:23Yeah, well, I won't forget.
00:41:24No, elephants rarely do, do they, mate?
00:41:27That's not a very nice attitude.
00:41:29What's it got to do with you?
00:41:29Get back to your ice cream van?
00:41:31Eh?
00:41:32I'll have you know that you're in the presence of a judo expert.
00:41:35You what?
00:41:36I'm a third dung.
00:41:38Oh, yeah?
00:41:39Don't bother me, mate.
00:41:39I'm not interested in anybody who came third.
00:41:41First or second, that's me, mate.
00:41:42Don't you bother.
00:41:42Oh, wait till I get started on you.
00:41:44You are asking for bother.
00:41:46Oh, yeah?
00:41:46And bother you will get.
00:41:48So, come on, let's have you, sunshine.
00:41:49I've got a bionic finger here.
00:41:51I want sports of Rye in London.
00:41:53And I've seen photographs of Mohamed Ali.
00:41:56I've got you worried now.
00:41:58Come on, come on.
00:42:00Stop it.
00:42:01When I get my second wind, there'll be murder here.
00:42:03Hey, the pubs are open.
00:42:06Are they?
00:42:07Yes.
00:42:08So, we're going to draw?
00:42:09Yes, let's go and have a pint.
00:42:11Here, come on.
00:42:12Did you do a bit in the army, did you?
00:42:14Yeah, I fought with the battalion.
00:42:16Did you?
00:42:16What were you in?
00:42:17Catering corps.
00:42:18Did you know Harry Harper?
00:42:20Was he in the caching corps?
00:42:21He was in the army.
00:42:23So, ladies and gentlemen, to continue with our bi-weekly progress report and self-evaluation session,
00:42:30I am happy to say that the increased emphasis on competition is paying dividends.
00:42:35The whole spirit of the camp is now bursting with a newfound vim, vigor, verve, and dynamism.
00:42:43A dynamism, however, which must be reciprocated in your own efforts, and anyone who does not measure up to standard, will be removed without qualm or quibble.
00:42:55Which brings me to you, Noggett and Lee.
00:43:03I have read your recommendations for the beauty contest, and in the main, I agree.
00:43:09However, I think we need another dimension.
00:43:12There are other aspects of feminine merit which deserve a chance of a reward.
00:43:18Such things as the intelligence, sunny disposition, talent, thoughtfulness.
00:43:24Yes.
00:43:26Talent, intelligence, thoughtfulness, and a sunny disposition.
00:43:35This is what our beauty queen will have.
00:43:38Eh?
00:43:41On the other hand, we could have a baking contest.
00:43:45Right. Now, look. Let's get this beauty contest tied up.
00:43:49I want all the cakes on tables all round the hall, and I think we'll have the rostrum at the other...
00:43:54Hey, you. You! What's up with you?
00:43:56Well, I was just looking out for White Monk.
00:43:57What for?
00:43:58Well, he's always creeping out behind you.
00:44:00Ah, he's not the only one.
00:44:02Now, listen. Get down the kitchen staff and tell him we want.
00:44:05Go down to the kitchen staff and tell him we want a dozen folding tables.
00:44:09And while you're down there, make sure there's enough charcoal for the sauna.
00:44:13Rise it.
00:44:14Good.
00:44:15Smile.
00:44:16Huh?
00:44:22So there I was, tripping on my merry little way again.
00:44:26I had a definite feeling that things were on the up and up.
00:44:29The rain was getting warmer, and the wind had dropped below gale force for the first time in weeks.
00:44:33Everything in the garden was lovely.
00:44:35Except for the flowers.
00:44:36They'd all been nicked.
00:44:44Ah!
00:44:45Oh, jeez.
00:44:47Oh, darling.
00:44:48Oh, darling.
00:45:00Oh, I didn't know it was a mixed sauna today.
00:45:24Well, no, it's not.
00:45:27You see, I've just got a bit of knob trouble.
00:45:30What?
00:45:31Oh, I couldn't get the thing on the, uh, thing.
00:45:33Oh, don't worry about that.
00:45:36Hmm.
00:45:37I expect the heat will soon loosen that up.
00:45:41Yes, I expect it will.
00:45:43It is hot in here, isn't it?
00:45:46Oh, yes.
00:45:47Especially with all those clothes on.
00:45:50Yes.
00:45:51Why don't you take them off?
00:45:55Take them off?
00:45:56Well, you do look a bit strange in a sauna with all your clothes on.
00:46:00Oh, yes, yes.
00:46:02I suppose you're right.
00:46:04We, uh, don't want anybody to get the wrong idea, do we?
00:46:08No.
00:46:09Ah, Miss Dubois, with a bound.
00:46:13With a bound what, Monsieur Whitmore?
00:46:17Oh, I see my, uh, my question has outstripped your rudimentary knowledge of our language.
00:46:22Bloody frog.
00:46:24Pardon?
00:46:24No, I was wondering where you were going.
00:46:26Perhaps you would care to accompany me on my rounds.
00:46:29Never forget, Miss Dubois, surveillance is the watchdog of efficiency.
00:46:35I'm, uh, sorry about Thursday.
00:46:37Um, well, Thursday, yes, the beauty contest rehearsal.
00:46:45You asked me to enter, don't you remember?
00:46:47Oh, yes, of course.
00:46:49I just don't recognise you without your, um, uh, make-up up.
00:46:53Oh, my husband wouldn't let me enter.
00:46:55He said I was too fat.
00:46:58That's why I'm here, actually.
00:47:00Too fat?
00:47:02You must be around a twist.
00:47:05You're...
00:47:06Oh, um, sorry.
00:47:09You're very, very desirable.
00:47:11Oh, do you really think so?
00:47:13Oh, yes.
00:47:14In fact, if I wasn't so busy, yes.
00:47:17I would do something about it.
00:47:19Mmm.
00:47:20Mmm.
00:47:21Mmm.
00:47:22Mmm.
00:47:23Mmm.
00:47:24Mmm.
00:47:26Panic, Paddick, the lovely glass.
00:47:27And the...
00:47:28Oh, oh, oh, just about a disaster there, sir.
00:47:31I'm just getting ready for the cookery classes.
00:47:33Marvellous idea, that of yours, sir, about the baking contest.
00:47:36Funny thing is, I was thinking on something on the same lines myself.
00:47:40The thought does your credit, Lionel.
00:47:42Oh, thank you, sir.
00:47:43I do love a boost.
00:47:44Well, I'd better go and stick my buns in the oven.
00:47:47Ta-ra.
00:47:48Ta-ra-de-da.
00:47:49La-de-da-de-da.
00:47:51I wonder if he's got it in him.
00:47:53I would be very surprised.
00:47:56He couldn't make a worse entertainments officer than Noggett or Lee.
00:47:59A bit of a bean.
00:47:59Oh.
00:48:10A musk.
00:48:11One of these installed, and I get over them.
00:48:14Really?
00:48:15Who?
00:48:17I mean a sauna.
00:48:18She means a sauna.
00:48:20Yes.
00:48:20Yes.
00:48:20Oh, hi.
00:48:22Oh, hi.
00:48:23Oh, hi.
00:48:25Ah!
00:48:26Ooh!
00:48:27Oh!
00:48:27Oh!
00:48:27Oh!
00:48:27Oh!
00:48:28Oh!
00:48:28I think I come to speak with some authority. I did once make a day trip to Cali and...
00:48:37A streaker!
00:48:42Pardon?
00:48:44A streaker!
00:48:51A streaker?
00:48:53That's what I bleed and said.
00:48:55As if we haven't got enough problems. Now we've got some bloody streaker running around the place.
00:49:00Oh, yes, Sid.
00:49:06Sidda, this is packed up. Look, it's broken.
00:49:10Oh, God blimey. There's no peace, is there, eh?
00:49:13Can't you see I'm trying to do me relaxation yoga? Eh?
00:49:16Oh, give it in, will you?
00:49:19Family keeping out of trouble, aren't they?
00:49:21Oh, yes, Sid. They're knackered, actually.
00:49:23Good.
00:49:24Guess where they've gone this afternoon?
00:49:25Go on.
00:49:26Larnold's cookery classes.
00:49:27All right.
00:49:28He's teaching them how to make fairy cakes.
00:49:29Yeah? Well, nobody could be better equipped for the task, could they?
00:49:31Look.
00:49:34Try and be a bit more practical, will you?
00:49:36Go on, that's it.
00:49:37You'll lie on me.
00:49:38Ah!
00:49:40You bloody fool!
00:49:42Practical.
00:49:44Then something amazing happened.
00:49:46The sun came out.
00:49:48Some of the staff had only been at the camp a few years and never seen it.
00:49:52Sid, of course, suggested charging it as an extra,
00:49:54but he settled for renting out sunglasses and deck chairs instead.
00:49:57I was just happy to be copying a spot of the ultraviolet rather than the ultraviolence.
00:50:01Ah.
00:50:02Morning.
00:50:04The sun brought out the crumpet, all right.
00:50:06But it also meant I had to get all the beach toys ready.
00:50:09And Sid was thinking of charging for them, too.
00:50:11Attention, please.
00:50:13Again, I apologise.
00:50:14There is a printing error on tonight's supper menu.
00:50:17It should read, Toad, in the hole.
00:50:25Timmy?
00:50:26Oh, hi.
00:50:30Er, you seem to be, er, are you saying, Percy?
00:50:34No, I was just thinking.
00:50:38I have been thinking, too.
00:50:40Oh.
00:50:41Timmy?
00:50:43I have to add it out with you.
00:50:46Oh, yes.
00:50:47It was you streaking around the camp, wasn't it?
00:50:49Oh, no.
00:50:50I recognised you?
00:50:51No, I wasn't actually streaking.
00:50:52What has happened to the Timmy? I used to know.
00:50:55Nothing.
00:50:56Have you become so blasé about sex that you have to resort to that?
00:51:00Of course not, but, er...
00:51:02Oh, it is so sad, Timmy.
00:51:05You know that the real thing is much, much better.
00:51:10Well, of course I know that, did you?
00:51:11Let me remind you.
00:51:12Oh.
00:51:13Um...
00:51:14What is the problem?
00:51:15Ah, you've been serving lolly ices, haven't you?
00:51:17Do not worry. I will sooner warm him up.
00:51:18Oh, good eat.
00:51:19Mmm, good eat.
00:51:20Mmm.
00:51:21Mmm.
00:51:22Mmm.
00:51:23oh what is the problem ah you've been serving lolly ices haven't you do not worry i will sooner
00:51:38warm him up oh good eat
00:51:53yes sit down oh two beers please miss now then nugget this streaking fiend must be found oh i agree
00:52:03otherwise your position with my organization will be in jeopardy jeopardy i didn't know i had a place
00:52:10there sir don't try my patience nugget thank you miss now i pay attention now i have pulled off
00:52:20another brilliant coop and i don't want it ruined by this naked lunatic do you know who is going to be
00:52:26accompanying our beauty competition alberto smarmy alberto smarmy you mean mr piano magic
00:52:36mr piano magic the what with the candles the what the what with the candles i would hardly have chosen
00:52:42that method of describing a man whose music has brought pleasure to countless millions even if
00:52:47he is a bloody eye tie anyway somewhere there lurks a deranged nutter who could ruin all my future
00:52:54plans for fun for all
00:53:00this man must be found nugget
00:53:02oh wait
00:53:12oh
00:53:14oh
00:53:16oh
00:53:18oh
00:53:20oh
00:53:22oh
00:53:24oh
00:53:28oh
00:53:30I'll get right on.
00:53:55this pervert exists and I want him found what is the matter with you man I think your brain is
00:54:08softening light will you pay attention when I'm talking knock it I want this man found I want
00:54:24searches Institute all over the camp I will I want 24 hour patrols guard dogs if necessary but I want this
00:54:30right yes Bridget give the trunks the trunks give me the trunks Timmy oh mark my words knock it if we do not catch this man we'll have the whole camp at him
00:54:47knock it knock it are you listening to me yes yes we are approaching a crisis man please pay attention
00:54:54I mean this entire establishment could crumble before my eyes if we're not careful oh I am
00:55:00not under a strain Nogget neither am I suffering from delusions
00:55:04Nogget Nogget I don't know what ails you lad but if you were a horse I'd have you shot
00:55:10I could be talking to myself
00:55:17oh
00:55:22oh
00:55:23Nogget that's him that's him what are you sitting there for come on
00:55:26right
00:55:27right
00:55:28right
00:55:29right
00:55:30right
00:55:31right
00:55:33right
00:55:34right
00:55:35right
00:55:36right
00:55:37right
00:55:38right
00:55:39oh
00:55:46looks as if he got away sir
00:55:51right
00:55:53it
00:55:54we have got to catch this man Nogget
00:55:55oh yes sir
00:55:56your position depends on it
00:55:57but
00:55:58sir
00:55:59sir
00:56:00Let's go.
00:56:30Oh, hello.
00:56:40And that was Any Way That You Want Me, by the all-comers.
00:56:45And now a request for Dave Richards for his mum and dad,
00:56:48wishing you all a smashing holiday.
00:56:52Have you got a request?
00:56:54Oh, I could have, yes.
00:56:56No, I'm a holiday host, actually. I haven't seen you before.
00:56:59Oh, that's because I never get out of this place.
00:57:01Oh.
00:57:02It isn't half hot in here.
00:57:04Yeah.
00:57:05What can I do for you?
00:57:07Well, um...
00:57:08Well, perhaps you could make a few announcements about the beauty contest.
00:57:12Um...
00:57:13Well, perhaps you could enter, eh?
00:57:15Oh, no such luck.
00:57:17I used to have a smashing time when I was working in the camp.
00:57:20Now I'm stuck in here.
00:57:23Oh.
00:57:24Left alone with your memories.
00:57:26Yes.
00:57:27I mean...
00:57:28Memories.
00:57:29Yes.
00:57:30Yes.
00:57:31Yes.
00:57:32Yes.
00:57:33Yes.
00:57:34Oh, yes.
00:57:35Yes.
00:57:36Yes.
00:57:37Mm.
00:57:38Mm.
00:57:39Oh.
00:57:40Mm.
00:57:41Mm.
00:57:42Mm.
00:57:43Oh.
00:57:44Mm.
00:57:45Oh.
00:57:47Oh.
00:57:48Oh.
00:57:49Oh.
00:57:50Oh!
00:57:52Oh!
00:57:53What a way!
00:57:55Oh!
00:57:56Oh!
00:57:57Oh!
00:57:58Oh!
00:57:59Oh!
00:58:00Oh!
00:58:01Oh!
00:58:02Oh!
00:58:03Oh!
00:58:04Oh!
00:58:05Oh!
00:58:06They can't leave anything alone these days, can they?
00:58:08It's one of your classics, that.
00:58:09Listen to what they're doing to it.
00:58:11Isn't it?
00:58:12Oh!
00:58:13Oh!
00:58:14Oh!
00:58:15Oh!
00:58:16Oh!
00:58:17Oh!
00:58:18Oh!
00:58:19Oh!
00:58:20Oh!
00:58:21Oh!
00:58:22Oh!
00:58:23Oh!
00:58:24Oh!
00:58:25Oh!
00:58:26Oh!
00:58:27Oh!
00:58:28Oh!
00:58:29I mean, that's added nothing to it, is it?
00:58:32Well, you've got to move with the times, ain't ya?
00:58:35Oh!
00:58:36Oh!
00:58:37Oh!
00:58:38Oh!
00:58:39Oh!
00:58:40Oh!
00:58:41Oh!
00:58:42Oh!
00:58:43Oh!
00:58:44Oh!
00:58:45Oh!
00:58:46Oh!
00:58:47Oh!
00:58:48Oh!
00:58:49Oh!
00:58:50Oh!
00:58:51Oh!
00:58:52Oh!
00:58:53Oh!
00:58:54Oh!
00:58:55Oh!
00:58:56Oh!
00:58:57Oh!
00:58:58Oh!
00:58:59I mean, that's actually gone.
00:59:00Oh!
00:59:01Oh, yeah!
00:59:02Oh!
00:59:03Oh!
00:59:04Oh!
00:59:05Oh!
00:59:06Oh!
00:59:07Oh!
00:59:08Oh!
00:59:09Oh!
00:59:10Oh!
00:59:11Oh!
00:59:12Let's go.
00:59:29Now, you keep this to yourself, love, all right?
00:59:31Ooh!
00:59:41What are you trying to do, eh?
00:59:43Drive me into the bloody nut house!
00:59:45I say, flashing yourself all over the camp!
00:59:48Broadcasting your sex life for everybody to hear!
00:59:55Oh, God! Oh, bloody mighty!
00:59:59Talk about biting the hand that lays the golden egg.
01:00:03Eh?
01:00:04Do you realise, kid?
01:00:05Do you realise that if anything but anything goes wrong
01:00:10on this build-up to this beauty contest,
01:00:13you and I, sailor, are out of a job, eh?
01:00:18Yes, I realise all that.
01:00:20And Whiteman was only hinting at a transfer to jeopardy.
01:00:24You know, that's funny, Sid.
01:00:27Eh?
01:00:28He said he was going to send me to Limbo.
01:00:29Oh.
01:00:30Yeah.
01:00:31Yeah, well, either way, we've got a lot to lose, haven't we?
01:00:33Yeah.
01:00:34Now, listen to me.
01:00:35Have you yet decided on the judging panel?
01:00:40Huh?
01:00:41Yes, yes, hang on.
01:00:42Here we are.
01:00:44We've got the vicar.
01:00:46The vicar.
01:00:47The mayor.
01:00:48Mr Whiteman, of course.
01:00:49And he wants his wife to come down.
01:00:51Apparently she's very keen, yes.
01:00:52Oh.
01:00:53Yeah, and talking about the beauty contest,
01:00:55guess who's entering, eh?
01:00:57Rosie.
01:00:58That's a laugh, isn't it, eh?
01:01:00A laugh, isn't it?
01:01:02That's a little laugh.
01:01:04Have you taken an entire leave of your bloody sentence?
01:01:08Oh, is it?
01:01:09Hey, do you think, for one second,
01:01:12I'm going to let a load of bloody layabouts
01:01:15gawp at my Rosie in the almost all together?
01:01:19Oh!
01:01:20You have entirely blown your bloody tiny mind, man,
01:01:24because I can assure you, Timo,
01:01:27there is no way, but no way,
01:01:31that my Rosie is going to enter this beauty contest.
01:01:37That's it!
01:01:39Yes, yes.
01:01:40Right.
01:01:41That's settled, then.
01:01:42I'm going to go in for a beauty competition,
01:01:43and Mum can bake a cake.
01:01:44Rosie!
01:01:45Now, listen,
01:01:46if you want to do something useful,
01:01:47you can unbrung that sink.
01:01:48Right?
01:01:49It's blocked up.
01:01:50I'm going down to the beach for Jason and Mum and Dad.
01:01:52Bye.
01:01:53Rosie, come here.
01:01:54You come here.
01:01:55Don't you walk out of me.
01:01:56You certainly told us it.
01:01:57Oh!
01:01:58No, no.
01:01:59Shall I, er...
01:02:00Shall I get on to maintenance?
01:02:01Maintenance?
01:02:02Yes, because of the tax.
01:02:03Maintenance?
01:02:04Yes!
01:02:05You don't need to get on to maintenance
01:02:06for a little job like that, do you?
01:02:07I mean, what would whitebuck say?
01:02:09That's not it.
01:02:10At the top at all,
01:02:11a holiday host is supposed to show some initiative.
01:02:15Just joking, Sid.
01:02:17You ought to get hold of one of these.
01:02:19I'll go and get one, Sid.
01:02:20Not now!
01:02:21Not now.
01:02:22Not now.
01:02:23No, you come over here and watch what I'm doing, right?
01:02:25I'll probably get one later, Sid.
01:02:27Oh, God.
01:02:28There's probably something...
01:02:29Look at this!
01:02:30It's been leaking all over the bloody carpet here.
01:02:32Oh, dear.
01:02:33There's probably something causing this trap here.
01:02:34Yeah, you got it, Sid.
01:02:35That's the man I've got.
01:02:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:02:37It's coming.
01:02:38You done it, Sid?
01:02:39Yeah.
01:02:40Right, soon check.
01:02:41Let's done it, yeah.
01:02:42Right, well, soon check.
01:02:43Oh!
01:02:44Ah!
01:02:45Seems to be working.
01:02:46Oh!
01:02:47You bloody fool!
01:02:48Take it off!
01:02:49Turn it off!
01:02:50Ah!
01:02:51At least...
01:02:52Sid, it wasn't right far.
01:02:53Just see if it was flowing all right.
01:02:54Oh, it's not going to be the only thing.
01:02:55It's going to be flowing around here, mate.
01:02:57Oh, Sid, look.
01:02:58It's taps all leaking, look.
01:02:59Well, you fix it, then.
01:03:00Eh?
01:03:01I'm not going to do everything around here.
01:03:05I'll fix it.
01:03:06God.
01:03:07God, give me patience.
01:03:09Give me patience!
01:03:11I'll get you some patience.
01:03:12First of all minute, you.
01:03:14What's my job doing?
01:03:16You've got to do it.
01:03:17Yourself.
01:03:18If you want it done properly.
01:03:19Right, sir.
01:03:20Don't you?
01:03:21Right.
01:03:22All right, there you are.
01:03:23Ah!
01:03:24Ah!
01:03:25Ah!
01:03:26Ah!
01:03:27Ah!
01:03:28I'll get him!
01:03:29oku.
01:03:30Then he's going to get him.
01:03:31There you are!
01:03:32I'll do, something.
01:03:33Oh, yes, I'll get...
01:03:34Yes.
01:03:35Come on, quick!
01:03:36Don't panic!
01:03:37I'm going panicking, Sid.
01:03:38No panic!
01:03:39Oh.
01:03:40You bloody poor...
01:03:41If I come outta the gate...
01:03:42ever there's some show in there!
01:03:43Ah!
01:03:44Oh, no!
01:03:45Oh, God, always jumping, I'll...
01:03:48Ah!
01:03:49Oh, no!!
01:03:50No!
01:03:52See?
01:03:53Don't...
01:03:55Ahhhh!
01:03:57Quick, please! Quick, please! Move them!
01:04:00No! No! No! You've got outside!
01:04:03Turn off them! Turn off!
01:04:07Turn off the stop-cocks, idiots! Yes!
01:04:10Stop-cock! Stop-cock! Stop-cock!
01:04:17Kevin!
01:04:20What's the matter, son?
01:04:22This bloke entered a potty over me, Dad.
01:04:24Don't be so ridiculous. What bloke?
01:04:27Oh!
01:04:33Right.
01:04:35Right?
01:04:38Get back to your mother.
01:04:48No! No!
01:04:49Watch me out of here!
01:04:50Kill the fellow!
01:04:53Get him! You've got the rope out!
01:04:55Don't be silly!
01:04:56Sid! What did I do?
01:04:57Don't go! It's not me!
01:04:59It's not me!
01:05:00Stop!
01:05:01Ah!
01:05:02Ah!
01:05:12It's all...
01:05:14Sid! It's all right, Sid! I'll stop the cock!
01:05:16Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! I've done it! I've stopped the cock!
01:05:22Sid?
01:05:25Where are you, Sid?
01:05:27Sid... Oh, there you are, Sid.
01:05:29Sid, I've managed to stop the thingy.
01:05:30Yes.
01:05:33Oh!
01:05:33I think I, uh, better get on to maintenance.
01:05:38Yes, because of the end of the fence.
01:05:39Oh, fantastique! Wonderful!
01:05:43Oh, fantastique! Wonderful!
01:05:55Yay! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Whoo!
01:05:57Wonderful, dear!
01:05:58How's that, Bridget?
01:06:00Very good!
01:06:02Oh, I'm all wet!
01:06:03Now, save the ski.
01:06:04Crave on, Lionel.
01:06:05And the other one.
01:06:06Yes, right, there we are.
01:06:07Here, I will help.
01:06:08That's all right, dear.
01:06:10Just bend the knees like I told you.
01:06:12Bend the knees.
01:06:13Oui.
01:06:13And let... let the... let the boat pull you.
01:06:16Oh!
01:06:18Naughty.
01:06:19Don't pull on the rope.
01:06:21And whatever you do, keep your legs together, dear.
01:06:24Absolutely.
01:06:25Timmy, did you see Lionel?
01:06:27Yeah, great.
01:06:28You're a man of many parts, Lionel.
01:06:29Oh, cheeky monkey.
01:06:30Do you want to ski, then?
01:06:32Me?
01:06:34Well, yes, of course I ski.
01:06:36Nothing spectacular, of course.
01:06:37No.
01:06:38Well, look, I'll tell you what.
01:06:39I'll give you a tow.
01:06:42What, now?
01:06:43Mm.
01:06:44Well, don't you even want to try?
01:06:46Once you are up, it is very easy.
01:06:49Eh?
01:06:50Yes.
01:06:50Oh, yeah.
01:06:52Right.
01:06:53No jumping, though.
01:06:54Come on, then.
01:06:55Right.
01:06:58And this, sir, is our new water skiing facility.
01:07:01There, as you suggested, of course, sir.
01:07:04It's proving very popular.
01:07:05For the public.
01:07:10Where are you going?
01:07:11Uh, you can't water skiing.
01:07:13I don't know yet.
01:07:14Haven't tried, Sid.
01:07:17Over here, sir.
01:07:18No, no, no, Nugget.
01:07:19Never mind that.
01:07:20Let's watch this man.
01:07:21This could be very interesting.
01:07:22Nugget, will you please shut off?
01:07:23I'm not at least interested.
01:07:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:07:26Nugget, will you please shut off?
01:07:28I'm not at least interested.
01:07:35Are you ready, Ducky?
01:07:37Okay.
01:07:38Ah, um, hang on a minute.
01:07:41Hang on.
01:07:41Nugget, I'll get you for this, Nugget.
01:07:55Gets, go ahead, come on.
01:07:57Come on, hey.
01:08:00Oh, come on.
01:08:01Oh God.
01:08:02Marginest, he's still on.
01:08:03Oh.
01:08:04Oh.
01:08:04Oh.
01:08:05Oh.
01:08:06Oh.
01:08:06Be careful.
01:08:07Hold on.
01:08:08Hold on.
01:08:09Good.
01:08:09Nice.
01:08:10Come on, Timmy.
01:08:12Very good.
01:08:13Wonderful.
01:08:13Oh, wonderful! Be careful now!
01:08:16Timmy!
01:08:34You bloody... Sorry, sir.
01:08:37I'll help you out, sir. There we go.
01:08:44It's nice to stay.
01:08:47Oh, you, erm...
01:08:50Pull.
01:08:53I don't need to tell you, Nugget. I am not at all happy.
01:08:56Your position with this camp lad hangs by a thread.
01:09:00If it were not for this beauty competition, I would have no hesitation in sacking you on the spot.
01:09:05And, Sid, I've got some...
01:09:07Huh?
01:09:08And, Sid, I've got some good news about the, erm...
01:09:11Don't skulk in the corner, lad. Come into the room.
01:09:17Now I come to think of it.
01:09:23Sorry, sir.
01:09:24Hello?
01:09:25Hello, silly Willy. It's Woofsy.
01:09:27I'm at the silly old station and they've run out of taxis.
01:09:31And I wondered if you'd like to get into a jalopy and come and get me.
01:09:38Oh, er... Silly Willy.
01:09:40Er... I mean, Mr White-Monk, sir. I think it's for you. It's Woofles.
01:09:44Woofles?
01:09:45Yes. She wants you to pick her up from the station. Hang on.
01:09:48Yes. Yes. And can you bring Mr Squidgy with you?
01:09:52Give me that!
01:09:53Hello, now.
01:09:55Antonia. It is you, my love.
01:09:59Your gracious. It's my wife.
01:10:01Ah, I...
01:10:03What's that treasure?
01:10:04Yes, yes. Don't you worry. I'll find someone down with a car to collect you.
01:10:08Behave yourself now and don't talk to any strange men.
01:10:12If you like, sir, I'll go along, right?
01:10:15You stay right where you are, Nogget.
01:10:17You and I have got plenty to be getting on with.
01:10:19For a start, we haven't caught this dumb streaker.
01:10:27No! Sir, it can't be me.
01:10:29This man can go.
01:10:42Uh, Mrs White-Monk?
01:10:48Yes?
01:10:49Ah, yes. Well, I'm sorry I'm late. I got a little behind, I'm afraid.
01:10:52So, I see. You should have got me one.
01:10:55Where's my husband?
01:10:57Oh, he's a bit tied up at the moment.
01:10:59Oh, never mind. I expect you'll make a very good substitute.
01:11:03Oh, well, I'll try, yes.
01:11:05Is there anything you want me to, er, put inside?
01:11:08Mind reader?
01:11:10Ooh!
01:11:21Ah!
01:11:22Oh, I can't drive any further, Mrs White-Monk.
01:11:24We've nearly had three very serious accidents.
01:11:27You could have got us killed.
01:11:28What a lovely way to go.
01:11:30Oh, what's the matter?
01:11:33Don't you find me attractive?
01:11:35Well, of course I do. But it's your husband.
01:11:39You mean you find him more attractive than me?
01:11:41No, no, no, no. He's on the point of sacking me as it is.
01:11:44Oh, I'm the driving force in this operation.
01:11:49When I can find the right steering column.
01:11:51Oh, look.
01:11:52Oh, look.
01:11:59Oh, look.
01:12:01What a sight to stir the juices.
01:12:03Fares always turn me on.
01:12:05Yes.
01:12:06Oh, look. Just one quick ride, and then I'll be as good as gold.
01:12:10Ah!
01:12:11Oh!
01:12:11Listen, if I may ask, Mrs...
01:12:13Get off, will you?
01:12:15Um, where did you meet your husband?
01:12:17Oh, I was on a prisoner's aid committee, and he was the chief screw.
01:12:21Oh!
01:12:22Ah!
01:12:27Why, but, please, we must get to the office.
01:12:30Oh!
01:12:31I...
01:12:31Oh, I love fares.
01:12:33And I love...
01:12:35Affair.
01:12:36Ah!
01:12:37No, your husband will be getting very, very anxious.
01:12:40Supposing I told him that you'd made a pass at me.
01:12:43He's insanely jealous.
01:12:45Oh, well, you wouldn't do that, would you?
01:12:46Not if you made a pass at me.
01:12:48Oh!
01:12:48No.
01:12:49Oh!
01:12:50Let's go in here.
01:12:51No, definitely.
01:12:51Ah!
01:12:52Mrs. Whiteman, I might lose my job.
01:12:54Oh, I'd rather you lost your clothes.
01:12:56Quick, take them off.
01:12:57I want a drink from the glistening chouse of your body.
01:13:01Oh!
01:13:01Oh!
01:13:02Oh!
01:13:02Oh!
01:13:19Yeah, it's years since I've seen one of these things.
01:13:22No, and that's not the only thing.
01:13:23You'll tell me all for all that.
01:13:24Oh, go on, Tade.
01:13:25Give Mum a thrill.
01:13:26Oh, that'll be the day.
01:13:28Oh, these weeks, I'm going to come in the season
01:13:30and I'll give you a shock.
01:13:31Oh, Walter!
01:13:33Oh, here!
01:13:34Come on, it's free!
01:13:35Is it?
01:13:35I'm just about to afford that.
01:13:36Do you want a bun, come in?
01:13:37Oh, Walter!
01:13:38I've got to have brought back a few memories.
01:13:41I'll hold it still while I get on.
01:13:43Mind you, don't burn your hand.
01:13:45Turn on, Ralph!
01:13:46Turn on, I don't need you.
01:13:47Don't be a postcard.
01:13:48It looks like I can show you.
01:13:49Yeah, you can do it.
01:13:54Hey, Rosie.
01:13:55Yeah?
01:13:56Have you seen Simeon?
01:13:57No.
01:13:58Oh, thank God for that.
01:13:59Oh, and he's lovely.
01:14:02Oh, look at that.
01:14:02Oh, I thought it was lovely.
01:14:05That thing looks like our vicar.
01:14:07Oh, look at that.
01:14:07I'm fried.
01:14:09Here, look at this one.
01:14:11Oh, look at that.
01:14:14I'm fried.
01:14:16Oh, whoa.
01:14:17Oh, John.
01:14:18Hurry up, wouldn't have...
01:14:19Here, here.
01:14:22That looks like Tibby.
01:14:25I'm sure it's Tibby.
01:14:27Ah.
01:14:27Oh, pornography into anything.
01:14:29Oh, she had that cold.
01:14:31Nogget.
01:14:32Oh, yes, sir.
01:14:33Nogget, have you seen my wife?
01:14:35Oh, don't worry, sir.
01:14:36She's been seen to.
01:14:38I hope so, lad.
01:14:39Because I will hold you responsible
01:14:41if she is not in very good hands.
01:14:43Ah!
01:14:44Oh!
01:14:45Oh!
01:14:45Oh!
01:14:45Oh!
01:14:46Oh!
01:14:46Oh!
01:14:46Oh!
01:14:46Oh!
01:14:46Oh!
01:14:47Oh!
01:14:47Oh!
01:14:47Oh!
01:14:47Oh!
01:14:47Oh!
01:14:48Oh!
01:14:48Oh!
01:14:48Oh!
01:14:49Oh!
01:14:49Oh!
01:14:50Oh!
01:14:50Oh!
01:14:51Oh!
01:14:51Oh!
01:14:52Oh!
01:14:52Oh!
01:14:53Oh!
01:14:53Oh!
01:14:54Oh!
01:14:54Oh, God!
01:14:55Oh!
01:14:56Oh!
01:14:57Oh!
01:14:58Oh!
01:14:59Oh, God.
01:15:00I can't tell you much more of this.
01:15:01Oh!
01:15:02Oh!
01:15:03Oh!
01:15:04Oh!
01:15:05Oh!
01:15:06Oh!
01:15:07Oh, Sid.
01:15:08Oh!
01:15:09Oh, no!
01:15:10oh no i just came to remind you it's the contest tomorrow honey so i'm going to be nice to you
01:15:18if you are nice to me
01:15:20i'm sorry to trouble you i wondered if you remembered your promise promise yes you said
01:15:38you were going to try and help me improve my chances for the uh compulsion yes i've got another
01:15:43couple of those in my head oh in the cupboards oh it's so slow oh oh darling oh i've come i've come
01:15:57my husband in the cupboards
01:16:01oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
01:16:31Oh, no! No!
01:16:34You have been deceiving me.
01:16:37Well, I couldn't afford mothballs.
01:16:45Ah, now the time has come for me to make a stand.
01:16:48Oh, don't look at me, dear. Don't mock.
01:16:50Ever since you and that Noggett creature came here,
01:16:52this camp has sunk into a mass of depravity.
01:16:55Look at this. Look at it.
01:16:57I've been hiding my luck under a bushel for too long.
01:16:59Yes, I should hope so too, dear.
01:17:01Oh, nothing. I was just...
01:17:02I've been keeping an eye on you, Lee.
01:17:03I've got reason to believe that you are the phantom streaker.
01:17:05What? Me?
01:17:07Yes, you.
01:17:08Oh, filth.
01:17:09And furthermore, furthermore, you've got a woman in that cupboard, have you?
01:17:12Oh, no, no, that's just one of my...
01:17:13I'm warning you, Lee. I'm bent on exposure.
01:17:16Yes, I always wondered what it was.
01:17:18No, now, look, Lionel, please...
01:17:20I've given my suspicions to Mr. Whitemunk
01:17:22and he's going to come in in a minute.
01:17:24Yeah, so stand aside.
01:17:26No, no, Lionel, please.
01:17:28I'll appeal to you.
01:17:29Hmm?
01:17:30It'd be different if you did.
01:17:31Now, stand aside.
01:17:32No, don't! Don't do it!
01:17:33Open that!
01:17:34Ah!
01:17:35Ah!
01:17:36Ah!
01:17:37Ah!
01:17:38Ah!
01:17:39Just a few close friends I asked for have for tea.
01:17:40Ah!
01:17:41Oh!
01:17:42Oh!
01:17:43Lionel!
01:17:44Good God, not him.
01:17:46So you're the streaker.
01:17:48Look, I've been framed.
01:17:50Oh!
01:17:51Oh!
01:18:00Freddy, it's not working, dear.
01:18:02It's not working.
01:18:03One, two, back of my shoe.
01:18:04Can you hit now?
01:18:05Er, Freddy, dear, do you mind putting your finger up?
01:18:08Oh, oh, whoops!
01:18:09All right.
01:18:10Just a kick.
01:18:11Just a kick.
01:18:12I'll see to that.
01:18:13You go and join the ladies.
01:18:14They're waiting for you.
01:18:15One, two, get in.
01:18:16One, two, one, two, three.
01:18:18Is he done, Wally?
01:18:19Can you hear me in the games room?
01:18:20She's here.
01:18:22I've got the turn here for you now before the beauty competition.
01:18:23This turn's cost us a lot of money.
01:18:24So I want you to listen.
01:18:25You're on your holidays to do as you're told.
01:18:27That's a bit better.
01:18:29Now, this turn has just come back from a successful tour of the conservative clubs in Moscow.
01:18:37He is very famous on radio, on television, and on films.
01:18:42I want a big clap for him, because he's a big fan.
01:18:45I want a big clap for him, because he's a big fan.
01:18:48He's a big fan.
01:18:49He's a big fan.
01:18:50He's a big fan.
01:18:51He's a big fan.
01:18:52He's a big fan.
01:18:53He's a big fan.
01:18:54He's a big fan.
01:18:55I want a big clap for him, because he's a big fan.
01:18:58Give order now this time for...
01:19:02Alberto Slami!
01:19:25Oh, I'm so nervous.
01:19:28What have you got to feel nervous about?
01:19:31What do you mean?
01:19:32Well, you are the boss's wife, aren't you?
01:19:34It's a handy way of keeping ÂŁ500 in the family.
01:19:37What are you incinerating?
01:19:38Oh, bitch, bitch.
01:19:39Now, come on, girls.
01:19:40We're on.
01:19:41Walk this way.
01:19:42What are you doing?
01:19:43Blimey, I thought I already did.
01:19:44Blimey, I thought I already did.
01:19:45Blimey, I thought I already did.
01:19:55Oh, they started.
01:19:57Here, Walter, look.
01:19:59Put it on that plate with F on it.
01:20:00With F on it?
01:20:01Yes.
01:20:02It's all right.
01:20:03Ah!
01:20:04Walter!
01:20:05Run out of self-raising, did they?
01:20:08Oh, dear.
01:20:09That really is one of your rock cakes, isn't it?
01:20:22Say, say, what you want me to do?
01:20:26I don't want you to do anything.
01:20:33What?
01:20:34I don't want you to touch anything.
01:20:36I don't want you to speak to anybody.
01:20:40I want you to stay well away.
01:20:44Is that clear?
01:20:46Perfectly, Sidney.
01:20:48Good.
01:20:51Very kind of you to agree to be one of our judges, Mr. Mayor.
01:20:54Well, when I heard press were coming, I couldn't refuse it, could I?
01:20:59As you will see, our celebrity judges have arrived for the Funflow Beauty Competition
01:21:03and I think we ought to give them all a very big welcome.
01:21:13I regret to announce that the celebrity confer hasn't arrived.
01:21:20So I'll do it.
01:21:24I've got all these girls here now who are trying to win this coveted title.
01:21:44We'll have the first girl, please.
01:21:46We'll have you.
01:21:47We'll have you.
01:21:48Woo-hoo!
01:21:55What is your name?
01:21:58It says here you're from Birmingham.
01:22:04Got this feet there.
01:22:06What are your hobbies?
01:22:10All the time.
01:22:11Oh, big round of applause for our first girl, thank you.
01:22:16That's your place, love.
01:22:21Right, could you have the next girl then, please?
01:22:24I'll give you that.
01:22:30Are you a friend of hers?
01:22:31Yes.
01:22:32You can't win them all, can you?
01:22:34What's your name?
01:22:35Vlad.
01:22:37I didn't ask you what you were.
01:22:38I said, what's your name?
01:22:40Vlad.
01:22:41Oh.
01:22:42Where do you live?
01:22:43Birmingham.
01:22:44Oh.
01:22:45And what's your hobbies?
01:22:47Well, I like to ride.
01:22:48Horses.
01:22:49Oh, very good.
01:22:51Back to your place.
01:22:52Big clap for this girl, thank you.
01:22:53Well, thank you.
01:22:57Have you next, love.
01:22:59Have you next, please.
01:23:00Stop gassing.
01:23:01Come on, love.
01:23:10Oh, you've had a bit of sun, have you?
01:23:13As well as.
01:23:17What's your name?
01:23:18Blackbird.
01:23:20Blackbird.
01:23:24What's the other one called?
01:23:30Watch your hobbies.
01:23:34Oi!
01:23:35What are you doing?
01:23:36What is it?
01:23:47No.
01:23:48It's a little thing in it.
01:23:52No, it's not.
01:23:53No, it's not.
01:23:54No, it's not.
01:24:01Down in the forest, something stirred.
01:24:03The jungle tom-toms spoke.
01:24:05And some deep primitive force, half as old as time,
01:24:08was guiding her towards me like an angry black pudding on legs.
01:24:15Hello.
01:24:23Oh, Phil!
01:24:24Oh, Phil!
01:24:25Oh, Phil!
01:24:26Oh, Phil!
01:24:27Oh, Phil!
01:24:34Oh, Phil!
01:24:35Oh, Phil!
01:24:36Oh, Phil!
01:24:37What is that?
01:24:38Oh, Phil!
01:24:39Oh, Phil!
01:24:40That's a really amazing way.
01:24:42Look, some seats up, please.
01:24:44Please.
01:24:45Oh, Phil!
01:24:46Oh, Phil!
01:24:47We're all out, Phil!
01:24:48We are out.
01:24:49We're out.
01:24:50Mr. Mayor, I hope you won't let this little incident spoil your day.
01:25:20I hope you won't let this little incident spoil your day.
01:25:50Oh, Lionel, you're magnifique.
01:25:58Oh, I'm a devil in my house, dear.
01:26:00You know that.
01:26:01Oh, yeah.
01:26:02Oh, bonjour.
01:26:03I think you have come off a little queer.
01:26:05No, I think I've just given it up.
01:26:07Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:26:19Yeah!
01:26:25Cid!
01:26:26Cid!
01:26:27Over here!
01:26:30Cid!
01:26:31Cid!
01:26:32Oh, Brance!
01:26:33You burr!
01:26:34Couldn't he get any better than this?
01:26:36It's all over spine.
01:26:37Come on, get on!
01:26:38Home, home, home!
01:26:39That's it, you.
01:26:41That's it, you're a bagel!
01:26:43Right, that way!
01:26:45Come on, get the feet up, you guys!
01:26:56Get off the ground, you bloody bullies, baby!
01:27:01Come on, they gave it on us!
01:27:03We're coming this way!
01:27:06Move those jaws every bloody day!
01:27:11That way!
01:27:13That way!
01:27:14Ah!
01:27:28That's it!
01:27:32Well, there you go.
01:27:33You don't have to shove more than half a dozen custard pies down the front of my wirefronts before I can take a hit.
01:27:37Time to look for a new career opportunity.
01:27:40No, seriously.
01:27:42We've got to find something more suited to our talents.
01:27:44Brain surgery, maybe.
01:27:46Or plumbing, perhaps.
01:27:48I've been a bit worried about my plumbing lately.
01:27:50So give me England every time, my dear!
01:27:59Give me England any time of year!
01:28:02Come on, everybody, raise a cheer!
01:28:06Far and near for the birds and the boos now that summer's here!
01:28:12In 1970, we went to Italy to sample all the Deloitte's down in Napoli!
01:28:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:28:24The signorina's there!
01:28:26Could not be keen or there!
01:28:28But I've a scar from her pot to prove!
01:28:31I've been there!
01:28:33So give me England every time, my dear!
01:28:37Give me England any time of year!
01:28:41Come on, everybody, raise a cheer!
01:28:44Hooray!
01:28:45Far and near for the birds and the boos now that summer's here!
01:28:49Could I have your attention, please?
01:28:51A little boy has been found.
01:28:53He answers to the name of Willy.
01:28:55He's wearing a blue T-shirt and red trunks.
01:28:58Will his daddy please come and collect his little Willy?
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