- 5 months ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:27God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:52We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:59And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to. I'll let him wait.
00:02:05Oh, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:07But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, that little birdie daft standing here.
00:02:14Come on, we're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17But he might come.
00:02:18Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no!
00:02:24I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel a right twit now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh.
00:02:35Good.
00:02:37Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:53Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:07Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:23Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:35Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Majorca.
00:03:40Come on, then.
00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:53Come on.
00:03:55I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:03We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:12It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:26Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:27Don't you worry.
00:04:28Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:30Every single time.
00:04:31Don't you worry.
00:04:32Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:37Every single time.
00:04:38Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:40Don't you worry.
00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:50But they go together fine
00:04:55Every single time
00:05:02First you're up there
00:05:05On another plane and then you're nowhere
00:05:10And the tears are raining down
00:05:15It's a run around
00:05:20Love and rainy weather
00:05:25Sure can get you down
00:05:32Going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight. Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight. Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:00They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:20The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:22Yes, please.
00:06:25Now, that's the new world that we work for and fought for.
00:06:29Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:04No, really.
00:07:05I really do.
00:07:07Some people don't.
00:07:10I do.
00:07:12Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your six old levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:33I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:08:00Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:11Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:12Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault.
00:08:27It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:39I'm sorry.
00:08:41I'm sorry.
00:08:42I'm sorry.
00:08:44Andrew.
00:08:45Ah...
00:08:47Ah!
00:08:50Oh, Sandra.
00:08:52It is almost blond in this light.
00:08:54Oh Sandra, there is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:12What's wrong?
00:09:14Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:18Ending it all before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet. Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic mother.
00:09:51Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:10:03What?
00:10:05Got it. Got what?
00:10:07You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14how about Sunday half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No I don't.
00:10:18Tomorrow half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:36I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her mother.
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:45We're just good friends.
00:10:47Good night.
00:10:49Miss Bardot.
00:11:04Marry me.
00:11:07You know what they say?
00:11:10Once you've had a Manchester lad you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Marry me.
00:11:15Marry me.
00:11:16Marry me.
00:11:17Marry me.
00:11:18Marry me.
00:11:19Marry me.
00:11:20Marry me.
00:11:21Marry me.
00:11:22Marry me.
00:11:24Marry me.
00:11:25Marry me.
00:11:26Marry me.
00:11:28Marry me.
00:11:29Marry me.
00:11:30About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Peace man.
00:11:34Marry me.
00:11:35Marry me.
00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Marry me.
00:11:38Hooray.
00:11:39Did you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I stayed in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57I stayed in for a change instead.
00:12:09I had to go.
00:12:10I had to go.
00:12:11Ticket.
00:12:12I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:13We're late already.
00:12:14See you behind the goal then.
00:12:18Marry!
00:12:19Yes!
00:12:20Marry!
00:12:21Marry!
00:12:22Marry!
00:12:23Yes!
00:12:24Marry!
00:12:25Marry!
00:12:26Yes!
00:12:27Marry!
00:12:28Marry!
00:12:29Marry!
00:12:30Marry!
00:12:31Marry!
00:12:32Marry!
00:12:33Marry!
00:12:34Marry!
00:12:35Marry!
00:12:36Marry!
00:12:37Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her, snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumor has it.
00:13:07Different girl every night. It's all the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18Bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:31Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:35Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well, um, no.
00:13:42I was, I sort of, um...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:57Any.
00:13:58I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right then.
00:14:13Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:21did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28.
00:14:46The score?
00:14:47Losing. 3-1.
00:14:58.
00:15:09Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um...
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial.
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:51You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:58What do you, uh...
00:15:59What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:00She's a...
00:16:01Fair sort of bird.
00:16:02Sort of.
00:16:03She's all right.
00:16:04I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:05Geoffrey.
00:16:06She's a bird.
00:16:07You having a coffee with us?
00:16:08No thanks, kid.
00:16:09Neville's ravenous.
00:16:10You've just eaten.
00:16:11Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:12Sorry.
00:16:13You see, what I think is always trying to do.
00:16:14By implication.
00:16:15Probably by implication.
00:16:16Probably by implication.
00:16:17Was to allow the images to provoke a moral reason.
00:16:18To make a moral reason.
00:16:19No.
00:16:20I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:21Geoffrey.
00:16:22She's a bird.
00:16:23You having a coffee with us?
00:16:24No thanks, kid.
00:16:25Neville's ravenous.
00:16:26You've just eaten.
00:16:27Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:28Sorry.
00:16:29You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:30By implication.
00:16:31Probably by implication.
00:16:32Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:49Was he the errand boy?
00:16:51Was who the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:54He directed it.
00:16:56Oh, yes.
00:16:58I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:01Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:15And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:17Like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex?
00:17:25Marriage.
00:17:26Pardon?
00:17:27The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:30A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:36I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:39Get married?
00:17:41Hmm.
00:17:42No.
00:17:43Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:58Percy Phil?
00:18:00Sex.
00:18:01That's what I said.
00:18:02Oh.
00:18:03Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:04Not person felt motivated.
00:18:05No.
00:18:06No.
00:18:07No.
00:18:08No.
00:18:09Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:10Ken Russell?
00:18:11Yeah.
00:18:12No.
00:18:13No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:39I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:01Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:02Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1525-year mortgage.
00:19:18Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:25Funny, isn't it?
00:19:28First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:34Either nothing.
00:19:36Or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:42Well, don't think about Percy Phil at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night. God bless.
00:20:05I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09327-4421.
00:20:11The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:23Do you want me to?
00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:26327-4421.
00:20:28Night.
00:20:29Good night.
00:20:30Good night.
00:20:31Good night.
00:20:32Good night.
00:20:34Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:13You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31Oh, these things.
00:21:32Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:47No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, uh...
00:22:05Does she, uh...
00:22:07What?
00:22:08What?
00:22:09Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:22:10Pfft.
00:22:11Pfft.
00:22:11Wow.
00:22:13Pfft.
00:22:14Pfft.
00:22:15She doesn't, then.
00:22:17You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sundry?
00:22:20How about Sundry?
00:22:27Chips.
00:22:27Chums.
00:22:28Sod.
00:22:28Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:36Who?
00:22:37I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:43I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:14No.
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:18Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:22Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:24Hallelujah.
00:23:25Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Goodnight.
00:23:43Morning.
00:23:44Morning.
00:23:45Morning.
00:23:46Chalton for Pope.
00:23:47Long may you reign.
00:23:48Amen.
00:23:49What's going on?
00:23:50What's going on?
00:23:51Pound's up again.
00:23:52Oh, God.
00:23:53Today's special.
00:23:54Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:23:55Here.
00:23:56Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:23:57Except those.
00:23:59I don't know.
00:24:00Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:01Bye.
00:24:02Bobby.
00:24:03I don't know what to do.
00:24:04I'll leave now and see what it is.
00:24:05Good evening.
00:24:07Come on, Berenice.
00:24:08Good evening.
00:24:11Good evening.
00:24:12Good evening, Beerus.
00:24:13Good evening.
00:24:14Good evening.
00:24:15What's going on? Pound's up again.
00:24:18Oh, God. Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26Except those. Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:45Why do we always do that? 93 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:25:15My typing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:42He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:05Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is...
00:26:10Oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clerks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh. My lot.
00:26:25I see.
00:26:26At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:35It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:26:59Yes.
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:22Fantastic.
00:27:23I want to know all about you.
00:27:24That's what it's all about.
00:27:26For example, with things in common already.
00:27:29Definitely.
00:27:30Like what?
00:27:31We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:32Right.
00:27:34And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:35Yes.
00:27:36It's wonderful, it's fantastic.
00:27:37You're so sick.
00:27:38I want to know all about you.
00:27:40I want to know all about you.
00:27:42That's what it's all about.
00:27:43For example, with things in common already.
00:27:44Definitely.
00:27:46About what?
00:27:48We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:50Right.
00:27:52And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:55And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know. I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:23I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just, just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know others.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed.
00:28:51His stride quietly casual.
00:28:54His eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:28He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:29It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:33It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:39Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:56It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:08Beryl.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:14Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:23Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back. They're better. It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:39I told you. It's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:47Urgh.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:57Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:02That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:31:04I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:08Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:11It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:19Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:22I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:25Pardon?
00:31:27Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:33No, dear.
00:31:34Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:35Sardine sandwich.
00:31:36Is it all sardine?
00:31:37Yeah.
00:31:38She's got her own trawler.
00:31:39Isn't it awful?
00:31:40What?
00:31:41I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:31:42What's happening in the world?
00:31:43I blame the politicians.
00:31:44What for?
00:31:45What?
00:31:46I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:31:48What's happening in the world?
00:31:49I blame the politicians.
00:31:50What for?
00:31:51What?
00:31:52I blame the politicians.
00:31:54What for?
00:31:55I don't blame the politicians.
00:31:56I don't blame them.
00:31:57She's got her own trawler.
00:31:59Isn't it awful?
00:32:04What? I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:07What's happening in the world? I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for? For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:20I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25They're in oil.
00:32:27They're nice in oil. She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:33After this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:39Yes.
00:32:46I can't do long conversations about sardines sandwiches.
00:32:50Mine goes blank.
00:32:52I'll start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:05Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:07Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:12Air hostesses.
00:33:14All sorts.
00:33:16Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:24Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:26Hmm.
00:33:32Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:35What have I done?
00:33:36Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:39Right in the slightest.
00:33:41You're lucky.
00:33:42Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:46You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:51Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:55That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:04So I shouted back at her.
00:34:07No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:09In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:12He thumped you?
00:34:14Walloped you on?
00:34:16No.
00:34:17I said nearly.
00:34:22You never thump me, will you?
00:34:24Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:25She adores it.
00:34:27Of course not.
00:34:29No.
00:34:31Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:36It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:39All right.
00:34:40Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:48Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:11You too.
00:35:12It was real.
00:35:13Psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:24No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:26Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred barrel.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:47Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:52You know you can't do it.
00:35:53You'll never thump me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:35:54Ow!
00:35:55Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:35:56Are we going to put it up?
00:35:57No.
00:35:58We're going to pack it in.
00:35:59Don't say that.
00:36:00Please don't say that.
00:36:01Please don't say that.
00:36:02That.
00:36:03Sandra.
00:36:04Sandra.
00:36:05You're Sandra.
00:36:06Mine.
00:36:07Two months.
00:36:08Two months, nine days.
00:36:10Is she positive?
00:36:11The test was.
00:36:12What are you going to do?
00:36:13She'll think of something.
00:36:14Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:15Congratulations.
00:36:16I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:17Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:18I don't know.
00:36:19I don't know.
00:36:20I don't know.
00:36:21What are you going to do?
00:36:22I don't know.
00:36:23No.
00:36:24No.
00:36:25No.
00:36:26No.
00:36:27No.
00:36:28No.
00:36:29No.
00:36:30No.
00:36:31No.
00:36:32No.
00:36:33No.
00:36:34No.
00:36:35No.
00:36:36No.
00:36:37No.
00:36:38No.
00:36:39No.
00:36:40No.
00:36:41No.
00:36:42No.
00:36:43No.
00:36:44No.
00:36:45No.
00:36:46No.
00:36:47No.
00:36:48Cool.
00:37:13John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:54And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents. Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:03That's pretty incredible.
00:38:05Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:09Oh, hell no. That's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:14Where you are.
00:38:17Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Roland.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:41And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:44Didn't she tell you?
00:38:46I don't work there anymore.
00:38:48I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you on?
00:38:59Daryl?
00:39:00Yeah.
00:39:01I haven't really looked.
00:39:05Seen one.
00:39:06You've seen them all.
00:39:07Not quite all.
00:39:08I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:09Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:11Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:14I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:18They aren't all after Percy Filth.
00:39:19Yes, they are.
00:39:20Mmm.
00:39:21Oh, you were terrific on the boss.
00:39:22Wasn't it?
00:39:23Mmm.
00:39:24Mmm.
00:39:25Mmm.
00:39:26Mmm.
00:39:27Mmm.
00:39:28Mmm.
00:39:29Mmm.
00:39:30Mmm.
00:39:31Mmm.
00:39:32Mmm.
00:39:33Mmm.
00:39:34Mmm.
00:39:35Mmm.
00:39:36Mmm.
00:39:37Mmm.
00:39:38Mmm.
00:39:39Mmm.
00:39:40Mmm.
00:39:41Mmm.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Mmm.
00:39:44Mmm.
00:39:45Mmm.
00:39:46Mmm.
00:39:47Mmm.
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:49Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:51Mmm.
00:39:52Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:56Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:58Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Mo Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's through a night of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:12Mmm.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm.
00:40:17Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:29What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:30I don't believe that question.
00:40:31You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:32I was 11 years old.
00:40:33He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:35I was 11 years old.
00:40:36He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:40I was 11 years old.
00:40:41I was 11 years old.
00:40:42I was 11 years old.
00:40:43He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:47Ah!
00:40:48Okay.
00:40:49Let's have a
00:40:51joke on his tortoise!
00:40:53what's your name again what's yours rock
00:41:23that's not your real name no Stephen god that turns me on when I first met you in the
00:41:39street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the art of conversation
00:41:44dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:14testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever
00:42:23wished yourself
00:42:24I'm fed up who are you oh yeah what you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:52no they just mark it anyone can mark it they've got the answers
00:42:59do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then well this is your uncle Stephen
00:43:14this is my revolting brother Jeremy how do you do don't my mum and dad know he's here
00:43:24Jeremy bed I could always wake them up and tell them Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:33you know even big astronauts do you know where babies come from do you say no no I don't
00:43:45say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile
00:43:52glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well and they
00:43:58go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has who told you that then they
00:44:04go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the female egg the others don't bother
00:44:10anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby did they teach you that at school they do
00:44:18woodwork in the next class people can only make babies at certain times of the year but animals like
00:44:24dogs and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time no that's people what is well people do it all the
00:44:40time whenever they feel like it in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork
00:44:52good night Jeremy 25p 50 50
00:45:06good night uncle steven would you care for a government health warning hey veronica yes
00:45:34who the hell's uncle steven at 10 past 2 in the morning a friend of jeremy's he's going now
00:45:40good night love
00:45:44we would have done that wouldn't we and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you anyway do you good going without for a change
00:45:58still there's always another day tomorrow tomorrow's another day
00:46:10shh not unless you happen to be in plymouth where i'm joining the wrens for three years
00:46:18what wrens the royal navy's wrens this time tomorrow i'll be in barracks with about 50
00:46:28other girls and 30 000 sailors hope i like it
00:46:32well thanks thanks for nearly everything we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously we're as good as dead in a way really almost just keep telling yourself and we will have
00:46:50good night
00:46:52good night love
00:46:54try a barrel
00:46:56good night
00:47:16morning previous generation
00:47:18what's for breakfast
00:47:30you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:32now what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof
00:47:36i'm sorry mum
00:47:38i'll take you out another night something cropped up
00:47:40like what
00:47:42dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:46i don't jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50jeffrey you're at it every night
00:47:52yes dad
00:47:54and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:58but last night was different
00:48:00i knew you'd understand
00:48:02and
00:48:04i
00:48:06now
00:48:08i
00:48:10i
00:48:12i
00:48:14i
00:48:16i
00:48:18i
00:48:20i
00:48:22i
00:48:24i
00:48:26i
00:48:28i
00:48:30Hang me around.
00:48:32What's going on?
00:48:34Pound's down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:58Who didn't?
00:49:00Is it true?
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:24It's cruel.
00:49:26I'll see other girls.
00:49:28Laura.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:32It's been two weeks.
00:49:34He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:50Finally splitting up.
00:49:52He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:08Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:10Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:50:12The entire Navy had gone on strike.
00:50:14I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:16I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:20She might have changed, of course.
00:50:22If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:24He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:26Otherwise I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:28Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:30At least I've got me pride.
00:50:32I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:33Oh, hi.
00:50:34Didn't see you.
00:50:35No, nor me.
00:50:36And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then?
00:50:38United.
00:50:39We're winning every game now.
00:50:40Oh, good.
00:50:41And what's new with Geoffrey then?
00:50:42I asked you what was new with Geoffrey.
00:50:43What was new with Geoffrey?
00:50:44What was new with Geoffrey?
00:50:45What was new with Geoffrey?
00:50:46What was new with Geoffrey?
00:50:47Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:48At least I've got me pride.
00:50:49I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi.
00:50:51Didn't see you.
00:50:52No, nor me.
00:50:53And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then?
00:50:56United.
00:50:57We're winning every game now.
00:50:59Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey then?
00:51:04I asked you what was new with Geoffrey.
00:51:05I asked you.
00:51:06Did you?
00:51:07Did I say more?
00:51:08Pardon?
00:51:09And how's Beryl, baby, getting on then?
00:51:10Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:13It isn't like you.
00:51:14Say that again.
00:51:15Beryl, baby.
00:51:16What's your name, Hanson?
00:51:17You'll laugh.
00:51:18Everybody laughs.
00:51:19It's the story of my life.
00:51:20You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:21Oh.
00:51:22Oh.
00:51:23Oh.
00:51:24Oh.
00:51:25Oh.
00:51:26Oh.
00:51:27Oh.
00:51:28Oh.
00:51:29Oh.
00:51:30Oh.
00:51:31Oh.
00:51:32Oh.
00:51:33Oh.
00:51:34Oh.
00:51:35Oh.
00:51:36Oh.
00:51:37Oh.
00:51:38Oh.
00:51:39Oh.
00:51:40Oh.
00:51:41Oh.
00:51:42Oh.
00:51:43Oh.
00:51:44Oh.
00:51:45Oh.
00:51:46Oh.
00:51:47Oh.
00:51:48Oh.
00:51:49Oh.
00:51:50Oh.
00:51:51Oh.
00:51:52Oh.
00:51:53Oh.
00:51:54Oh.
00:51:55Oh.
00:51:56Oh.
00:51:57Oh.
00:51:58Oh.
00:51:59Oh.
00:52:00Oh.
00:52:01Oh.
00:52:02Oh.
00:52:03Oh.
00:52:04Oh.
00:52:05Oh.
00:52:06Oh.
00:52:07Oh.
00:52:08Oh.
00:52:09Oh.
00:52:10Oh.
00:52:11Oh.
00:52:12Oh.
00:52:13Oh.
00:52:14Oh.
00:52:15Oh.
00:52:16Oh.
00:52:17working in a bank
00:52:20I had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29and decided to split
00:52:31so I cut out
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat gets it together
00:52:41where he's at
00:52:41lots of beautiful
00:52:45bag baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece
00:52:48of the action
00:52:49don't cool it
00:52:51dig
00:52:53sorry
00:52:58I no understand
00:53:00English
00:53:01Gesundheit
00:53:07I thought she'd only
00:53:10just been to bed
00:53:11with the other one
00:53:11she has
00:53:14and which is her husband
00:53:16neither
00:53:18it's warming up
00:53:23isn't it
00:53:24great beat isn't it
00:53:33great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree that
00:53:41life's an onion
00:53:41if so what's death
00:53:46um
00:53:48a banana
00:53:50yes I expect it is
00:53:54when you think about it
00:53:55have you read
00:53:57Schopenhauer's concept
00:53:58of existence
00:53:58um
00:54:00no
00:54:02but I've seen the film
00:54:05you married
00:54:06no
00:54:08grab yourself an adage
00:54:10marriage is a cabbage
00:54:13are you a poet
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:17ask the answers
00:54:19you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager
00:54:23marks and spaces
00:54:24what's that
00:54:26I really dirt you
00:54:29now he's taking
00:54:31his clothes off
00:54:32what's on ITV
00:54:35this
00:54:37what's on BBC
00:54:39Casinova
00:54:43what's that like
00:54:46this
00:54:47oh come on now
00:54:50you know that's not
00:54:52where it's at
00:54:52let's get this
00:54:53what's the word
00:54:54let's get it
00:54:56clear
00:54:57let's get down to the
00:54:58real nitty gritties
00:54:59ville
00:54:59okay
00:55:00women's lip
00:55:10is not about
00:55:11burning brass
00:55:13papers
00:55:13yeah
00:55:14what papers
00:55:16a marriage certificate
00:55:18a dog's license
00:55:19whatever you prefer
00:55:20to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic
00:55:22about this
00:55:22all girls want marriage
00:55:24and a wide wedding
00:55:25really basic
00:55:27you want to be
00:55:28really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33Enid
00:55:35when Sandra says
00:55:37every girl
00:55:38she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself
00:55:40not me of course
00:55:41because I incredibly
00:55:42value my independence
00:55:43but most girls
00:55:45definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:46if you can't
00:55:48conduct an intelligent
00:55:49conversation without
00:55:50recourse to
00:55:51I'm not recourse
00:55:52into anything
00:55:52I'm merely telling you
00:55:53what girls want
00:55:54what
00:55:55balls
00:55:56would you please
00:55:58stop saying that
00:55:59you believe in free
00:56:01love right
00:56:01you're wrong
00:56:02I believe in free
00:56:03everything
00:56:04freedom from all male
00:56:05chauvinist pig domination
00:56:07honestly don't you
00:56:08understand
00:56:09excuse me you've got
00:56:10your hand on me
00:56:10excuse me
00:56:13excuse me you've got
00:56:14your hand on me
00:56:14water metal
00:56:15no
00:56:15oh sorry
00:56:18wow man sorry
00:56:20it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23Geoffrey you've not to
00:56:25why not
00:56:26I said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28we're as liberated as you
00:56:41we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:46it just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee
00:56:49you see what we believe
00:56:52is
00:56:52you see
00:56:56well one
00:56:57I can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:02what you're doing
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:08burn my bra
00:57:12right
00:57:17that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:21we've finally split up
00:57:24Neville
00:57:24Sandra wants you
00:57:26I should imagine
00:57:27sad isn't it
00:57:31pathetic
00:57:34well I can't follow plays these days
00:57:40it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her
00:57:50perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:04she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet Roland
00:58:10I've always thought you were
00:58:14did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:22no it's nice
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:49oh
00:58:50oh
00:58:50sorry
00:58:50do you know
00:58:55what girl
00:58:56she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where Jeffrey's got to
00:59:01he's upstairs I think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:13usually
00:59:16I hate to be any trouble but I think I'm dying
00:59:25you'll be alright honest
00:59:26she said I shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who
00:59:30she said
00:59:31Jeffrey
00:59:35Jeffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:45move up a bit Jeffrey
00:59:58put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:07call Dr. Wiseberg
01:00:15Quilmslow Road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40is that you Beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see Jeffrey
01:01:09that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave me to rest
01:01:40I'm right off birds
01:01:45I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:54good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17can I
01:02:18you
01:02:18you
01:02:26you
01:02:27you
01:02:32you
01:02:40you
01:02:42you
01:02:44A barrel, a barrel.
01:03:14Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, barrel. Oh, Geoffrey. Oh, God.
01:03:33Hello.
01:03:44Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:47Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello? It's me. Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic. Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:09I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21It's a small world.
01:04:49Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:08You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jock strap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:51Me?
01:05:52A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:56Told you.
01:05:58Who are they playing?
01:06:05Huddersfield Town.
01:06:07In the cot.
01:06:08I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:15The...the fourth from the bottom.
01:06:18Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:27Drawn five.
01:06:33So what do you think?
01:06:36I think I nearly love you.
01:06:50Never mind.
01:06:51It's only a game.
01:06:52I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:05I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:07I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United. I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:23We live in a permissive society, Beryl. Read any colour supplement.
01:07:27Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:29I am, love.
01:07:30And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:33You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:38Yes, sir.
01:07:39Well, er, boys are very, sir. And I am your mother.
01:07:43That's what I said.
01:07:45I don't mean, er, permissive permissive.
01:07:50Let's see.
01:07:51Romantic.
01:07:54Pardon?
01:07:55Kissing, cuddling. Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:05Good. Not too much, I hope.
01:08:08Oh, God.
01:08:09Boys are very funny.
01:08:11They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:17Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:22Oh.
01:08:26Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:31Fantastic.
01:08:32The Cowgills.
01:08:39Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:41Married couple.
01:08:44Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:48You go bald doing that.
01:08:50Doing what?
01:09:03I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:08Living in sin.
01:09:12Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:20If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:29Beryl would.
01:09:34Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:37Oh.
01:09:38I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:45What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person
01:09:50without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:52I never said you were!
01:09:53You think it!
01:09:59All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:09I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:18Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:21Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:30No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:37I'm sorry.
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:49What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:03Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:26The weeks and months drag by,
01:11:29and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what NO spells
01:11:41and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what NO spells.
01:11:46And what NO spells.
01:11:47Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so, society, that's you and me, says,
01:11:55end this dispute.
01:11:57End it now.
01:11:59Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't he?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:06Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:26You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:38Look, Beryl.
01:12:49How's this for a peace plan?
01:12:51You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage.
01:12:55Twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:57Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Good Jesus Christ, superstar. Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:16Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:23I keep asking you, what is?
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United,
01:13:54and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:58She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:08The main thing is...
01:14:11we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:23See, what face do I want to...
01:14:25See, what I think...
01:14:27Go on.
01:14:28No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:37Beryl.
01:14:41Beryl.
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:47happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:00No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:22Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:41No.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47If there isn't...
01:15:48You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:58Well, I...
01:16:03Like...
01:16:04You know...
01:16:05Crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop.
01:16:14To please you.
01:16:15I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:32Your mother.
01:16:33Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:36Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:45You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:47After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:01I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:13Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:15You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:25Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:27That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:41Neither did I.
01:17:43Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59Used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:15thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:45Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:46Good luck.
01:18:47Peace, ma'am.
01:18:48St Anne's Square.
01:18:49St Anne's Square, please.
01:18:50So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits...
01:19:11so that just leaves a cot two matinee coats two romper suits and what else do
01:19:20I need oh yes a ring teething ring wedding ring of course oh they have
01:19:29gorgeous plans in the shops these days no wonder everyone's at it oh sorry what
01:19:37about skip it about time to but a simple thing not that I need any actually I've
01:19:45never been as happy in my life but she doesn't know that if I'm looking
01:19:50miserable Sandra it's because I'm feeling happy for you yeah we know what
01:19:58you must be thinking of course we do how to pop the pink without going in off
01:20:07ace she used to wear pink you know I won't tell you where a hell of a lot more where
01:20:18hers came from wow did you want the chalk Jeffrey I know spells no super day for
01:20:31it mmm sin being inside a day like this well Sandra this is it yep the big day
01:20:41yeah come into the crutch crunch I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the
01:20:48slightest seeing him again you mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I
01:20:53most definitely won't be and what's more no one will know that I am because I
01:20:58shan't truly Sandra please you've enough to think of
01:21:08it's a big day for you as well really isn't it
01:21:11and now one of the bride and groom on their own do you mind stepping back sir
01:21:20they're fine this is fine enough here about there lovely you can kiss the bride on this
01:21:27one sir wow official permission to actually kiss her oh sorry that's right hold it lovely thank you
01:21:40funny I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met how have you been absolutely great you never
01:21:53better ever it's all over now bar the salmon salad it's tuna fish it's life
01:22:05see president Nixon went to China then that was before we ever met oh why has something happened
01:22:19about it no oh could I trouble you for the salad please speaking personally I think there are enough
01:22:29problems to sort out on earth without going to the moon Nixon why is he going no the astronauts oh so
01:22:41wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for we never really talk did we that things that matter good in it shows
01:22:51we're friends now that we know we don't like each other everybody thinks we're brokenhearted
01:22:57we've really grown up haven't we my mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too
01:23:06much Percy filth I'm right off it myself I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the
01:23:12past few weeks oh I expect it's only temporary I hope not it's marvelous good I don't fancy you in the
01:23:21slightest now thank you love still off the food I noticed and we've learned a fantastic amount for the future fantastic for
01:23:36example say I finally did marry someone like you only someone I love I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and
01:23:42bottle green socks every night in bed a bit and you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never
01:23:53even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later we probably won't see each other at all now
01:24:00we're pals I expect you're going to the match this afternoon oh yeah I'm helping Sandra Packer go in
01:24:07the right away case where should you go in hospital well we'll bump into each other sometime
01:24:37oh hello mrs. Battersby yeah you won't remember me good afternoon Jeffrey
01:25:02oh um is uh is Beryl there please she's gone to the football match there is no football it's cricket now
01:25:14well it's the same thing isn't it
01:25:32in about three months football season's over now Beryl well what on earth did you want to come for
01:25:51forgot I'm not all that interested these days
01:25:56where will you go now then I don't know
01:26:01could always go inside and practice booing for next season
01:26:07where will you might go and get a new pair of tights hey it's like the countryside isn't it when it's
01:26:16empty fancy a stroll in the country may as well if you like don't mind why not
01:26:23just as friends just as friends oh I meant just as friends yeah I did
01:26:28wish we had a ball
01:26:36good place you can in
01:26:39you could go in goal
01:26:43amazing how people change isn't it
01:26:51well we're certainly much happier without each other
01:27:19we'll be even happier with someone else
01:27:24anyone really
01:27:27there's millions to choose from
01:27:36all nearly exactly right for us
01:27:40you'll find someone Jeffrey you will Beryl
01:27:45just a matter of keeping your eyes open really
01:27:48picking one out of the crowd
01:27:51easy maybe the whole perfektion suitable for North And stalking in the Share
01:27:53is very overwhelming for us as we've börned and prepared of fantasy
01:27:55we've got one threat to our fight
01:27:56another fight for everyone
01:27:57new stuff
01:27:58your temperature
01:27:58your height is
01:27:59perfect
01:28:00your height is
01:28:02perfect
01:28:02your height is
01:28:04perfect
01:28:04your height is
01:28:05perfect
01:28:06your height is
01:28:08perfect
01:28:12your height is
01:28:13perfect
01:28:14your height is
01:28:16perfect
01:28:17your height is
01:28:18perfect
01:28:20And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:26Amen.
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