- 6 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is Lord.
00:01:29Jesus.
00:01:31Jesus.
00:01:32Jesus.
00:01:34And I've seen him in real life though.
00:01:54We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, Neil, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no.
00:02:12Oh, Neil, really, that's standing here.
00:02:13Come on.
00:02:14Oh, wait.
00:02:15You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25Feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:50Thanks.
00:02:51Neither do I.
00:02:53Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:02:56About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:02To his granddad.
00:03:04Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:06You.
00:03:07I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:11Ignore them.
00:03:12Hi.
00:03:13Hi.
00:03:14Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:16Hi.
00:03:17Peace, ma'am.
00:03:18Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:19He's in Majorca.
00:03:20Come on, then.
00:03:21May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:22It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:24Come on.
00:03:25Come on.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:57It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:07Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:16I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:19I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:21I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:24Don't you worry, love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:41Every single time.
00:04:42Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:51Every single time.
00:04:56Love and rainy weather.
00:04:57First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:09And the tears are raining down.
00:05:13It's a run around.
00:05:14It's a run around.
00:05:16Love and rainy weather.
00:05:18Sure can get you down.
00:05:19Love and rainy weather.
00:05:20Love and rainy weather.
00:05:21Love and rainy weather.
00:05:22Sure can get you down.
00:05:26Not going twisting tonight then?
00:05:33That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:39What?
00:05:40Cutting a rug.
00:05:42Pardon?
00:05:43Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:45It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:47Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:49Right?
00:05:50What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:51Right.
00:05:52Right on.
00:05:53You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:56Tonight.
00:05:57Tomorrow night.
00:05:58Every night.
00:05:59They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:02Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Really.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:09It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:12We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:17They do their old things.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:21Yes, please.
00:06:24Now that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:26And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:30It's his birthright.
00:06:34I'm not hungry.
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:41I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:06:44I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:06:46No, really.
00:06:47I really do.
00:06:48Some people don't.
00:06:49I do.
00:06:50Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:06:51Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:06:53Paul McCartney who?
00:06:54He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:06:57And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:06:58I've sacrificed too much for your sins.
00:06:59I've sacrificed too much for your sins.
00:07:00I don't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:01Why?
00:07:02Five.
00:07:03You can't talk to me.
00:07:04Kind of like a windmill.
00:07:06I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:08No, really.
00:07:09I really do.
00:07:10Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I've sacrificed too much for your 6-0 levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:33I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:40What did you say your name was?
00:08:00Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:07A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:23Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:27It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:09:00Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05There is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:18Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:22It's our first date.
00:09:25I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:31Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:35Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:40Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:44Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:48It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:49Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:50What?
00:09:51Got it.
00:09:52Got what?
00:09:53You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:09:56I say I do.
00:09:57You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:00How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:01No, I don't.
00:10:02Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:03Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:05It does not.
00:10:06I thought it did.
00:10:07Not until you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:08I can see her doing your ironing.
00:10:10You don't see it.
00:10:11You know what?
00:10:12It's not.
00:10:13But I'm not sure if I have to sit here and ask her to see you again.
00:10:14I can't see you again.
00:10:15If I never want to see you again.
00:10:16I say I do.
00:10:18You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:19How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:22No, I don't.
00:10:23Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:24Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning you wouldn't need
00:10:40to book for the Christmas pantomime. I don't intend to marry her mother
00:10:43in case it interferes with my career. we're just good friends. good night
00:10:51Miss Bardot marry me you know what they say once you've had a Manchester lad you never
00:11:13touch anything else
00:11:29about time and all. aye. peace man. did you have a good time last night? great. is it you? satisfied.
00:11:40I saved him for a change. did you get much? did you? did you know that raping Princess Anne
00:11:53was a capital offence? not that I have done. I saved him for a change instead.
00:12:10ticket. I ain't got me ticket. we're late already. see you behind the goal then.
00:12:25well tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her. snooty old bag.
00:12:45trendy. crimson shoes with bottle green socks. must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:56still who else would have him? anyway they're all the same in the dark. rumour has it.
00:13:03different girl every night. it's all the type. probably an omen seeing her before the match. bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:20well I'm certainly not making the first move. at least I've got me proud. oh hello.
00:13:26oh hi. hi. didn't see you. no normie. you going that way? yeah. not specially no. you going that?
00:13:39you going to the football match? are you? shopping.
00:13:53i'm probably going to the pictures tonight. i am. which? which are you? any. i am.
00:13:58see you then. tonight? pardon? oh i... all right then. right.
00:14:19super socks.
00:14:21did you see that? they're all on drugs. the lot of them.
00:14:28great score.
00:14:47losing 3-1
00:14:58Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:51You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:58Would you, uh...
00:16:03What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:07Fair sort of bird.
00:16:09Sort of.
00:16:10She's all right.
00:16:12I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:14Geoffrey.
00:16:15She's a bird.
00:16:17You having a coffee with us?
00:16:18No thanks, kid.
00:16:19Neville's ravenous.
00:16:20You've just eaten.
00:16:21Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:22Sorry.
00:16:23You see, what I think was all this trying to do...
00:16:24By implication?
00:16:25Probably by implication.
00:16:26Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:30You see?
00:16:31Yes.
00:16:32Was he the errand boy?
00:16:33Was he the errand boy?
00:16:34Was he the errand boy?
00:16:35Ken Thingy.
00:16:36He directed it.
00:16:37Oh, yes.
00:16:38I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:39Probably.
00:16:40Probably.
00:16:41I'm trying to do.
00:16:42By implication.
00:16:43I'm trying to do.
00:16:44By implication?
00:16:45Probably by implication.
00:16:46Probably by implication.
00:16:47Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:49You see.
00:16:52Yes.
00:16:54Was he the errand boy?
00:16:55Was he the errand boy?
00:16:56Ken Thingy.
00:16:57He directed it.
00:16:58Oh, yes.
00:17:00I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:03Probably.
00:17:04You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema,
00:17:16and you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex? Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates, and Pauly wants to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls,
00:17:50a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No. Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:01Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not person-felt motivated.
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:39I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:55No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:05Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:24It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:28First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:36Or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:41Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Peryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:19:53I won't give you my phone number, in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Erm.
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:30Oh, he's easy.
00:20:31Easy.
00:20:33Well, hello, Mrs Battersby.
00:21:02Your Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:13You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31Oh, these things.
00:21:32Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:47No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, uh...
00:22:06Does she, uh...
00:22:07What?
00:22:08What?
00:22:10Oh...
00:22:10Wow!
00:22:15She doesn't, then.
00:22:17You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:20Chips...
00:22:20Chips...
00:22:28Chum...
00:22:28sod...
00:22:29Not seeing him tonight, then?
00:22:36I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game. Anything you say.
00:23:17You can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:27Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:30but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Goodnight.
00:23:35Morning.
00:23:36Morning.
00:23:37Morning.
00:23:38Morning.
00:23:39Morning.
00:23:40Morning.
00:23:41Morning.
00:23:42Morning.
00:23:43Cholton for Pope. Long may you reign.
00:23:46Amen.
00:23:47What's going on?
00:23:48What's going on?
00:23:49Pound's up again.
00:23:50Oh, God.
00:23:51Oh, God.
00:23:52What's going on?
00:23:53Pound's up again.
00:23:54Oh, God.
00:23:55Today's special.
00:23:56Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:23:57Here.
00:23:58Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:23:59Sof does.
00:24:00Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:01What's going on?
00:24:02What's going on?
00:24:03What's going on?
00:24:04Pound's up again.
00:24:05Oh, God.
00:24:06Today's special.
00:24:07Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:08Here.
00:24:09Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:10Sof does.
00:24:11Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:13What's going on?
00:24:14What's going on?
00:24:15What's going on?
00:24:16Pound's up again.
00:24:17Oh, God.
00:24:18Today's special.
00:24:19Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:20Here.
00:24:21Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:22Sof does.
00:24:23Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:43Why do we always do that?
00:24:4793 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:25:13Made me sing you in the valley.
00:25:16My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:23Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:30Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35Neville promises he's going to take this dream back in Geoffrey.
00:25:37I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:38One day it was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five.
00:26:02Five.
00:26:03Which is...
00:26:04Which is...
00:26:05Three and two is five.
00:26:06Which is two less than seven.
00:26:09Which is...
00:26:10Oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:19Football supporters.
00:26:21Hippies.
00:26:22Oh.
00:26:23My lot.
00:26:24My lot.
00:26:25At the third stroke, it will be seven twenty-two and forty seconds.
00:26:36It will be seven twenty-two and fifty seconds.
00:26:39Oh.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:41Fate.
00:26:42All over by seven twenty-three precisely.
00:26:48So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:51PHONE RINGS
00:26:56Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:24It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:27Fantastic.
00:27:28I want to know all about you.
00:27:29That's what it's all about.
00:27:30For example, with things in common already.
00:27:31Definitely.
00:27:32Like what?
00:27:33We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:34Right.
00:27:35And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:36Have you ever been abroad?
00:27:37No.
00:27:38Have you?
00:27:40No.
00:27:41Have you?
00:27:42Have you?
00:27:43Have you?
00:27:44Oh, no.
00:27:45That's what it's all about.
00:27:46For example, with things in common already.
00:27:47Definitely.
00:27:49Like what?
00:27:51We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:54Right.
00:27:56And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:01Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:03Have you?
00:28:05No. Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul? Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know. I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No. Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:39Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know others.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed,
00:28:52his stride quietly casual,
00:28:54his eyes clear and confident
00:28:57and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:07You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:27He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous, being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:56It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:20Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to port.
00:30:43It's not!
00:30:44It's only the angels crying.
00:30:45I know how they feel.
00:30:46Well, don't blame me.
00:30:47I haven't done anything.
00:30:48That's true!
00:30:50That's not true, Beryl.
00:30:51I have apologised.
00:30:52I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:30:53Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:30:54It must be a bad line,
00:30:55I can't hear you.
00:30:56You'd better apologise again.
00:30:58I apologise again.
00:31:00Gosh, this lousy line!
00:31:18I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line!
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday?
00:31:28Pardon? Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is? No, dear.
00:31:45Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:50Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine? Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:32:04Isn't it awful? What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey. What's happening in the world? I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for? For what's happening in the world.
00:32:18Talk to her.
00:32:19I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25They're in oil.
00:32:28They're nice in oil. She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:41I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches. Your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:32:57Number of hearts he must have broken. Every girl in Manchester nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has. Probably even more.
00:33:12Air hostesses.
00:33:15All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:24Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:30Wow, is that the time, at this moment in time?
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:38Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Quite in the slightest.
00:33:41You're lucky.
00:33:43Why is Geoffrey?
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not. Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey. Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:59Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:07So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:11In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you?
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:36There isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:39He used to talk to me.
00:34:41All right. Let's talk.
00:34:47Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why? Is your mum going out?
00:34:54May as well pack in, really.
00:34:58Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too. It was real.
00:35:14Psychedelic.
00:35:16You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:18I was scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:22Groovy.
00:35:24I won't wave from the window.
00:35:26No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:29It's been a gasp.
00:35:30You've said that once.
00:35:31You're well-bred barrel. There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:46About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:51Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:54You know you can't do it.
00:35:55You've never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:35:59Ow!
00:36:01Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:03Are we going to put it up?
00:36:05No. We're going to pack it in.
00:36:07Don't say that. Please don't say that.
00:36:09That.
00:36:11Sandra.
00:36:13Sandra.
00:36:15You're Sandra.
00:36:17Mine.
00:36:19Two months.
00:36:21Two months.
00:36:23Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:47Often.
00:36:52We're going to get into this later.
00:36:55We're going to work out.
00:36:57We're going to have a while.
00:36:59We're going to have a little bit of a conference on the scene.
00:37:01How are we going to grab our chat?
00:37:02I don't have a full-time camera.
00:37:04I don't know if you want to do it.
00:37:05We've got a longå¦å®.
00:37:07We're going to grab our chat.
00:37:09I see something.
00:37:10We're going to grab our chat.
00:37:12We're going to get to the chat.
00:37:14We're going to take the chat today.
00:37:15We're going to do it.
00:37:17We're going to go.
00:37:18We're going to let's start.
00:37:19John for Pope.
00:37:42Longmare reign.
00:37:49Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:54And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are?
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Rowland.
00:38:34Rowland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39He's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:50What?
00:38:51Oh, boy.
00:38:52Did she turn you off?
00:38:53Beryl?
00:38:54Her.
00:38:55I haven't really looked.
00:38:57Seen one, you've seen them all.
00:38:58Not quite all.
00:38:59I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:03It must be my birthday.
00:39:04Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:05Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:06I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:07I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:09Yeah.
00:39:10They aren't all after Percy Filth.
00:39:11They aren't all after Percy Filth.
00:39:13Yes, they are.
00:39:14Mmm.
00:39:15Mmm.
00:39:16Oh, you were doing that.
00:39:17I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:18I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23It must be my birthday.
00:39:25Mmm.
00:39:26Mmm.
00:39:27Terrific self-control.
00:39:28Joan of Arc never married yet, Beryl.
00:39:29Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:30Was it?
00:39:31Mmm.
00:39:32Terrific self-control.
00:39:33Joan of Arc never married yet, she was.
00:39:34Oh.
00:39:35Oh.
00:39:36Oh.
00:39:37Oh.
00:39:38Oh.
00:39:39Oh.
00:39:40Oh.
00:39:41Oh.
00:39:42Oh.
00:39:43Oh.
00:39:44Oh.
00:39:45Oh.
00:39:46Oh.
00:39:47Oh.
00:39:48Oh.
00:39:49Oh.
00:39:50Oh.
00:39:51Oh.
00:39:52Oh.
00:39:53Oh.
00:39:54Joan of Arc never married yet, she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:17Please.
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:21Well, let's go inside then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:39I don't believe that question.
00:40:41You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:44I was 11 years old.
00:40:46He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49Yes.
00:40:50Yes?
00:40:51Yes?
00:40:52Yes.
00:40:53Yes?
00:41:02No.
00:41:03Oh.
00:41:04Oh, thank God.
00:41:05Yes?
00:41:06Yes?
00:41:07Yes?
00:41:08Yes?
00:41:09Or?
00:41:10Yes?
00:41:11Yes?
00:41:12what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the art of
00:41:44conversation ain't dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:41:57testing testing Jeffrey Milleup returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:27I'm fed up who are you who are you what you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no they just mark it anyone can mark it they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Stephen this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do don't my mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake him up and tell him
00:43:28Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you say no no I do say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood
00:43:51cells and erectile glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has
00:43:57well and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the
00:44:08female egg the others don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well people do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53good night Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5850
00:45:0050
00:45:0250
00:45:03good night uncle Stephen
00:45:13in the morning a friend of Jeremy's he's going now
00:45:41good night love
00:45:44good night love
00:45:48we would have done that wouldn't we
00:45:49and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you
00:45:55anyway do you good going without for a change
00:45:58still there's always another day
00:46:05tomorrow
00:46:07tomorrow's another day
00:46:09shh
00:46:11not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:13where
00:46:15I'm joining the wrens for three years
00:46:17what wrens?
00:46:19the Royal Navy's wrens
00:46:20what wrens?
00:46:21the Royal Navy's wrens
00:46:26this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:32well thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43well we
00:46:44we're as good as dead in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51good night love
00:46:53try a barrel
00:47:16morning previous generation
00:47:18what's for breakfast?
00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night something cropped up
00:47:41like what?
00:47:43dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45I don't Geoffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Geoffrey you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:54and we don't complain
00:47:55no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:13I knew a lot of
00:48:15love
00:48:16around
00:48:17Dominic
00:48:18without
00:48:19being
00:48:20I'm sorry
00:48:21white
00:48:28chalting the pope
00:48:30long me around
00:48:31amen
00:48:32what's going on
00:48:34pounds down again
00:48:35up and down like a fair of knickers
00:48:37you should know
00:48:38or me
00:48:40or me not me what a night wow a lot including action replays in slow motion
00:48:57hey lads i picked up a bit of spare last night who didn't no it's true
00:49:03yes jeffrey it is yes jeffrey
00:49:10bloody yes poor jeffrey beryl please it's neville's engagement party as well he had to invite him
00:49:22he'll see me it's cruel i'll see other girls i shan't take him back sandra
00:49:30i shan't it's been two weeks he may have got over you by now don't know much about men do you love
00:49:40it was doing him a kindness really finally splitting up
00:50:06he only had one ambition in life send my knickers to oxfam
00:50:16good job she hasn't joined the rent the entire navy had gone strike
00:50:21i expect he's sorry now i won't even consider taking him back if he isn't she might have changed of
00:50:29course if she has i might let her have the old orgy nine again he's got to accept we've finally
00:50:35split up otherwise i definitely won't take him back
00:50:38well i'm certainly not making the first move at least i've got me pride
00:50:48i left with beryl baby oh hi didn't see you no nor me
00:50:54and how's manchester city doing without me cheering them on then united we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good and what's new with jeffrey then
00:51:10i asked you what was new
00:51:11and how's beryl baby getting on then jeffrey i'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me beryl baby
00:51:28it isn't like you say that again beryl baby
00:51:33what's your name handsome
00:51:36you'll laugh everybody laughs it's the story of my life
00:51:42you tell it like it is chuck
00:51:43she used to put them on an axe
00:51:53what do you care
00:51:56i don't have a baby
00:52:02is she going to get into bed with him now
00:52:06probably
00:52:10jeffrey always looks half asleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:17it is working in a bank
00:52:26i had this bad scene with this chick and decided to split
00:52:33so i cut off man like there's no tomorrow
00:52:39this cat gets it together where he's at
00:52:43it's a beautiful bag baby
00:52:47so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:50don't cool it
00:52:53dig
00:52:58sorry i no understand english
00:53:01i thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:11she has
00:53:15and which is her husband
00:53:17neither
00:53:22it's warming up isn't it
00:53:24great beat
00:53:30great beat isn't it
00:53:34great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree
00:53:40do you agree that life's an onion
00:53:44if so what's death
00:53:46um
00:53:48a banana
00:53:50yes i expect it is when you think about it
00:53:55is it
00:53:56have you read schopenhauer's concept of existence
00:53:58um
00:54:00no
00:54:02but i've seen the film
00:54:05you married
00:54:08no
00:54:08grab yourself an adage
00:54:11marriage is a cabbage
00:54:12are you a poet
00:54:16never ask the questions ask the answers
00:54:19you are a poet
00:54:22to any manager marks and spencers
00:54:25good job
00:54:28i really dirt you
00:54:30now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on itv
00:54:36this
00:54:38what's on bbc
00:54:43cutting over
00:54:45what's that like
00:54:46this
00:54:49come on now
00:54:50you know that's not where it's at
00:54:52let's get this what's the word
00:54:55let's get it clear
00:54:57let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville okay
00:55:02oh
00:55:09women's lip is not about burning brass papers yeah
00:55:15what papers
00:55:17a marriage certificate a dog's license whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:21look let's be basic about this enid all girls want marriage and a wide wedding really basic
00:55:27you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic balls
00:55:32grass
00:55:35enid when sandra says every girl she means most girls well like herself not me of course because i
00:55:42incredibly value my independence but most girls definitely want balls if you can't conduct an
00:55:49intelligent conversation without recourse i'm not recourse to anything i'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:54what
00:55:55what
00:55:55bull
00:55:55oh
00:55:56oh
00:55:56would you please stop saying that
00:56:00you believe in free love right
00:56:02wrong i believe in free everything freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination
00:56:07honestly don't you understand excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:15no
00:56:15oh
00:56:17oh sorry wow man i'm sorry
00:56:20it's all right oh gee it's a pleasure
00:56:23grass jeffrey you've not to why not i said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28we're as liberated as you enid we've equal importance as individuals neither of us is boss
00:56:46just doesn't arise we'll make some coffee kids yes you see what we believe now
00:56:55you see
00:56:58i can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:05you're doing lighting everybody's fire
00:57:11burn my bra
00:57:17right that's it finished the end full stop
00:57:22we've finally split up neville sandra wants you i should imagine
00:57:29sad isn't it
00:57:33pathetic
00:57:38well i can't follow plays these days
00:57:41it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:46it's just showing real life that's what you're going to do
00:57:48i once thought i'd found her
00:57:51perfect girl
00:57:54red hair
00:57:55not too skinny
00:57:58very gentle and shy
00:58:02passionate when roused
00:58:03you should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:09you're very sweet roland
00:58:12i've always thought you were
00:58:17did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just i'm a bit tired no it's nice
00:58:34i don't think i've washed that one
00:58:49it's just
00:58:50it's just
00:58:54do you know what beryl she can ask me anything
00:58:59do you know where jeffrey's got to
00:59:04he's upstairs i think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:16usually
00:59:22i hate to be any trouble but i think i'm dying
00:59:25you'll be all right honest
00:59:26she said i shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who
00:59:31she said
00:59:35jeffrey
00:59:38jeffrey
00:59:45sorry
00:59:52jeffrey
00:59:57move up a bit jeffrey
00:59:59put your legs
01:00:01that's better
01:00:05it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:13call dr wiseberg quillmslow road
01:00:21it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:26what was it then
01:00:30grass is marijuana
01:00:33this grass wasn't
01:00:36it was the real thing
01:00:39from the front lawn
01:00:49like you beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:57even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:01:00not that i mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though i've been in bed since 10
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:08did you see jeffrey
01:01:12that's good
01:01:20do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:37i didn't try at all
01:01:39gave me to rest
01:01:40i'm right off birds
01:01:46i am
01:01:47i am
01:01:49for good
01:01:51me too
01:01:53and me
01:02:10good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17and i
01:02:40have a look at that
01:02:41A barrel, a barrel.
01:03:11Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, barrel.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:41Hello.
01:03:44Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:47Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:59PHONE RINGS
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:09I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:32The small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one.
01:05:00Definitely.
01:05:01Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:10You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:13I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jock strap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:57Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the co-op.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:13The...
01:06:16The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19Shows you.
01:06:22Away from home.
01:06:24They've won three, drawn five and lost twelve.
01:06:28Drawn five.
01:06:33So what do you think?
01:06:34I think I nearly love you.
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38My Scholar.
01:06:39I think I need you.
01:06:40It's a mess.
01:06:41I think, you've got to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:42You've got to watch him fly for a good show.
01:06:43I think, you've got to watch.
01:06:44I've got to watch...
01:06:46I think...
01:06:47Don't you know what's up?
01:06:48Do you know what's up?
01:06:49There is no open, metre.
01:06:50Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15I don't recall Grace Kelly
01:07:18enticing Prince Rainier by going to Watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down
01:07:36every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:45I don't mean, er, permissive, permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:05What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgill's.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:38No, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:09:55All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:23For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry.
01:10:40No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:50What are you staring at?
01:10:53Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:46And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:48I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, wasn't he?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:15Take two a day after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:45Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage, twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:33What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37What?
01:13:41That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See what face do I want you?
01:14:25See what I think?
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:58Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:24Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop
01:16:14to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship,
01:16:29you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources,
01:16:52in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population
01:16:56of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between
01:16:58Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed
01:17:12in getting back to Percy Philth
01:17:13in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls
01:17:18find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way
01:17:21some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them
01:17:25what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love
01:17:35for 11 boring men
01:17:36kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig
01:17:54before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me
01:18:06I can't even remember.
01:18:07I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:09thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:28Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:37At all.
01:18:50Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:18:58St Anne's Square.
01:19:00St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:12So that just leaves a cot,
01:19:14two matinee coats,
01:19:16two romper suits,
01:19:18and what else do I need?
01:19:21Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:23Teething ring?
01:19:25Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:31No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:33Oh, sorry.
01:19:35What about?
01:19:37Skip it.
01:19:39About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:53Yeah.
01:19:55We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:57We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:07Ace.
01:20:09She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:11I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow.
01:20:21Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:25I know, spells no.
01:20:27Super day for it.
01:20:31Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:38Yep.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yep.
01:20:42Coming to the crotch.
01:20:43Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest,
01:20:48seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,
01:20:52because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no-one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:04It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:15And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:18Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:20Eh, fine.
01:21:21This is fine enough.
01:21:22Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:27Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:36Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:56Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:01It's tuna fish.
01:22:02It's life.
01:22:03It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President. Nick, somewhere to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:20No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:32Nixon.
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.
01:22:58We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:19Good.
01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:23Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:47And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:56We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:01I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:06I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:10Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16Mm-hm.
01:24:52Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:22Hi.
01:25:42When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months.
01:25:47Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Oh, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00I don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:13Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:18Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:20May as well, if you like.
01:26:22Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:28Yeah, I did.
01:26:28I wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51CHOIR SINGS
01:28:21CHOIR SINGS
01:28:51CHOIR SINGS
01:28:53CHOIR SINGS
01:28:55CHOIR SINGS
01:28:57CHOIR SINGS
01:28:59CHOIR SINGS
01:29:01CHOIR SINGS
01:29:03CHOIR SINGS
01:29:05CHOIR SINGS
01:29:07CHOIR SINGS
01:29:09CHOIR SINGS
01:29:11CHOIR SINGS
01:29:13CHOIR SINGS
01:29:15CHOIR SINGS
01:29:17CHOIR SINGS
01:29:21CHOIR SINGS
01:29:23CHOIR SINGS
01:29:24Rainy weather, ah!
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