- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 4 Ep07-Brian-The-Bachelor
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00:00This is ridiculous. Why did y'all drag me here?
00:05Because you can't just sit home every night since Loretta left.
00:08Yeah, you gotta get out and meet some women.
00:10Well, I suppose I could give it a try.
00:12Hey, baby, how'd you like to go black and then have to make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
00:20Sorry, I went burnt sienna and never went back.
00:23Ready, baby? Who's this clown?
00:25Open up, Stewie. The airplane's coming in for a landing.
00:34Yeah, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr.
00:37Ew, even I found that to be in bad taste.
00:40Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
00:42Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God. Look at the size of that pimple. You're like a circus freak.
00:47I'm kidding. You're just becoming a man, sweetie.
00:51Yeah, I remember when I became a man. The operation was a success.
00:54What are you going to go by now?
00:56Peter.
00:58You know, Chris, we'll have to do something about that.
01:00But I don't want to get rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
01:06I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
01:08Well, we have to look at your anus all day.
01:12The Bachelorette comes to Quahog in search of male contestants. Story at 11.
01:18Well, actually, that was pretty much it. Oh, but there'll be other stuff, too.
01:22Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at 11.
01:26Oh, my God. The Bachelorette is coming to Quahog. That's like my favorite show ever.
01:31Meg, how can you watch that crap? That show's not reality. It's all staged. It's a complete mockery of human relationships.
01:36You know, this could be the perfect way for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Wright. I gotta tell him.
01:41Hey, Cleveland. Joe. Oh, sorry. I dialed the wrong number. I meant to call Cleveland.
01:46No, no. I just wanted to tell him something. No, no. I'd like to talk to you, too. It's just...
01:51Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel obligated. I want to.
01:57You're a good pimple, Doug.
02:00Feed me!
02:02You can talk?!
02:04That's right.
02:05And we're gonna raise some hail!
02:07Alright! Raise some hail!
02:09Yeah!
02:11Ha-ha-ha!
02:12Ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:25Yeah!
02:26Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:27Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:29Ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:30so why would you be a good candidate on the bachelorette i would be perfect for your show
02:40because i know how to talk dirty to the ladies oh yes oh yes that feels so good spit in my mouth
02:50200 auditions and nothing well we still got one guy waiting you lined up 201 auditions what a
02:58weird number you're weird peter i can't do this i'm too nervous i gotta go no no cleveland i'm not
03:05gonna let you do this i'll tie you down if i have to peter this is only making it worse oh god my
03:11claustrophobia sitting here it's all right it's all right it's okay it's all right it's the fabric
03:15it's the fabric it's your clothes let's all right let's get your clothes off peter peter what's wrong
03:20with you i'm naked oh god you're self-conscious i'm sorry you know what look look cleveland look see
03:25see now you're not alone you're not alone cleveland let me out of here i need to get out of here
03:30cleveland no no you're staying this is for your own good this is for your own good oh my god
03:36hi we're here for the interview
03:39uh excuse me hi yeah listen i just wanted to apologize for peter uh he was just trying to
03:47help out his friend you see his wife left him and he's been kind of lonely confused about what
03:52he really wants what's your name brian congratulations brian you're gonna be on the
03:57bachelorette really you sure you don't want to reconsider my friend let me see let me see
04:03oh that ain't bad
04:06brian i can't believe you're gonna be on the bachelorette yeah i thought you said those shows
04:15were stupid they are stupid but i figure i got a few days of free booze and free food before
04:20they kick me off i could use a vacation oh yes because you've got such a heavy workload
04:23around here hmm how you uh how you're coming on that novel you're working on huh got a big
04:31uh big stack of papers there got a got a got a nice little nice little story you're working
04:36on there a big big novel you've been working on for three years huh got a got a compelling
04:43protagonist yeah got a obstacle for him to overcome yeah a little story brewing there working on
04:50working on that for quite some time huh yeah talking about that three years ago yeah been
04:55working on that the whole time nice little uh narrative uh beginning middle and end some
05:00friends become enemies some enemies become friends yeah at the end your main character is uh richer
05:06for the experience yeah yeah yeah you could uh no no you you deserve some time off
05:11i'm super excited you think she'll be hot i bet she'll be hot i think she'll be hot too
05:17no way so do i
05:19quagmire oh hey brian how did you get on the show
05:25uh i had to do a few favors i gotta get on that show come on i'll do anything
05:29anything uh yeah all right okay you ready yep okay check under the bed
05:37nope nothing check in the closet nope no monsters in here now check the bathroom
05:43nope none in here either okay good so can i be on the bachelorette yeah good night
05:48peter i'm getting a little worried about chris all he does lately is sit alone in his room talking
05:56into that zit oh relax lois what's a zit gonna do talk to him and tell him to sneak out of the
06:01house and cause trouble now light it ring the doorbell and run like hell oh i don't know about this
06:08dog just do it oh good lord
06:14is that duty i'm doing the dishes joe i'll change you in a minute
06:24trevor this is brooke the bachelorette i wasn't too nervous i mean when i'm nervous i work out and i
06:35wasn't working out so i must not have been nervous i was i was very pleased and surprised i really was
06:41not expecting an open bar top shelf booze i tell you and this guy knew his stuff made me a mojito
06:47i don't think it's a gay drink mojito
06:54hey guys well it's been great to meet you all and i'm looking forward to getting to know you
07:01while we're here dude put your pants on shut up well i really like all the guys but some of them
07:11seem a little too competitive i uh i i gotta tell you i don't know what she would possibly see in
07:16count shockula uh i i think he's just here because he's a minority
07:19you were right doug mischief is fun we're the best pals since the snorks oh i'm having a really
07:39great time me too i really value our friendship you're not like those other snorks who only want
07:46one thing oh that was clumsy hang on a second
07:49gentlemen it's time for the first rose ceremony who gets to stay and who takes the bus ride home
08:04it's up to brooke trevor that's what trevor's talking about hey can i say hi to a friend of mine
08:12uh sure hi jesus no way hello i know i saw glenn
08:19oh my god oh my god
08:21brian what are you serious i feel like i didn't get to know you at all would you accept this rose
08:30all right but i think this whole thing is about as pointless as peter's cow kite
08:34ah this is never gonna work damn cow cleveland what am i doing wrong you gotta get her running before
08:45you start running
08:46chris chris honey can i talk to you
08:53oh my god he's gone oh that means this room is mine now oh i'm gonna party my ass off in here
09:03great pot stewie yeah i got it from our cleaning lady's boyfriend it's okay though because she's
09:08gonna use the money to get a mammogram chris where have you been doug told me i don't need to
09:15listen to you doug you pimple oh that is it first thing tomorrow we're going down to goldman's
09:21pharmacy and get some astringent to get rid of that thing what did i tell you she's trying to
09:25drive us apart we can't let that happen i am in no mood
09:31welcome to the saddleback ranch and our first group date is everyone ready for a little cowboy action
09:40i love horses sorry i'm late brian here's your ride oh come on you can't expect me to ride that
09:47thing sorry we're short on horses you know what forget it i'll just go smoke
09:52hey there adam hello henry
09:55i have the power
09:58brooke what are you doing here
10:11oh i just can't take it anymore all these guys just coming on to me i had to sneak off
10:17oh could i bum one of those you know i don't even know why i agreed to do this show this is just
10:23so not me i i would much rather just be home listening to my old jazz records really god you
10:29know i i actually have quite a jazz collection myself what do you like oh dj jazzy jeff oh i'm
10:34kidding oh oh you you got me you got me yeah no i really like coleman hawkins uh ben webster
10:42oh and early coltrane before he got clean yeah yeah no junk no soul no kidding i mean look at
10:49chevy chase right right you know i i gotta say i thought she was just some actress looking for her
10:5515 minutes of fame but she's uh she's pretty sharp you know i guess you can't judge a brooke by her
11:01cover you can you can cut that out right oh and uh maybe you can cut out when i said junk earlier
11:08the whole chevy chase thing seems like he's probably the kind of guy who who might sue i mean the guy's
11:14gotta have no money left all right gentlemen let's see how glenn's private date with brooke is going
11:22hey uh brooke what do you say we get you some more champagne sure
11:26all right oh hey forgot about you guys well i guess the date's over good night brooke thanks for a
11:43lovely evening oh my god peter it looks like there's been a break-in uh do you think so
11:58oh oh god get back
12:01whoa awesome totally awesome all right goldman
12:10ah what the hell's your problem mort oh i'm sorry peter i thought you were one of those criminals
12:15who broke in and destroyed my entire stock of acne medication oh my god peter do you think chris
12:21might have done this come on lois he doesn't have the wild streak you had when you were younger
12:25for god's sake you used to make plaster molds of celebrity body parts
12:28okay daryl it's almost dry very nice by the way this one's going on the shelf right next to dan
12:36fogelberg hey lois am i up next just wait in your dressing room i'll come back for you oats
12:42i'm not coming back for oats
12:44glenn will you accept this rose really after i drugged you and tried to have sex with your
12:51unconscious body what yes this is the final rose tonight
12:56brian yes yeah you know i mean i know i was skeptical at first but i i gotta be honest i've
13:04never felt this way about anyone before i mean i'm in love that's it i'm in love
13:12i finally understand those songs on the radio
13:15what did you think i would do at this moment when you're standing before me with tears in your eyes
13:30brooke has narrowed her choice down to quagmire and brian all that's left is for brooke to meet
13:38their families
13:44hey brian i can't wait to meet your family uh yeah me too they're they're pretty great brian welcome home
13:51you son of a bitch so did you lose oh you gotta tell me all about it hey how was a bachelorette was she a
13:57dumb bimbo like you said but but but with a big rack come on in and tell me everything i bet your
14:02stories will make me laugh so hard i shoot milk out of my nose uh peter this is brooke the bachelorette
14:08she's uh having dinner with us tonight i went over this with you a few minutes ago
14:15well it's wonderful to meet you we've had so many nice things yes indeed so how long have you been a
14:21prostitute no dog i will not lift up her shirt chris we have company so you uh you ever been with
14:28a woman um no peter what there are you happy doug christopher cross griffin what are you doing
14:38joe what are you doing here peter lois we have proof that it was chris who vandalized goldman's
14:44pharmacy i know it i know it i didn't want to believe it but it's true oh god what happened to my
14:51baby who sold you the drugs i can't believe this
14:58you made my mom cry tonight doug i don't think you're a very good friend i'm not gonna listen
15:16to you anymore oh yeah well i'm inside your head now fatty and i just might reach into your brain and do
15:22this ow okay okay i'll listen that's my boy now grab my bacon grease and slather me up some homies
15:34what's going on man sup dawg yeah where all the whiteheads at
15:42brian we've had some wonderful times i really like you look i i understand it's okay i hope you and
15:49quagmire have all the happiness in the world but i'm choosing you just promise me you'll make him
15:54wear this what you're choosing me after what happened with my family well it wasn't as bad as the evening
16:01i spent with glenn and his mother glenn would you feed mittens mittens has food in his bowl that's old
16:09food mittens shut up mittens shut up don't you judge the mittens that way mittens is a member of this
16:15family mom you want this three-way to happen you're gonna have to change your tone my god you've
16:20just made me the happiest dog in the world i love you brooke i love you too brian
16:31all right that's a wrap well it was great working with you brian good luck what what are you talking
16:38about what what what what about us oh stop it it's just tv hi brian michael eisner on behalf of abc
16:49i'd like to give you this parting gift the bill for the mansion no give these maxis
16:53uh hey brooke it's uh it's me again brian uh hi um wasn't uh sure if you got my last message
17:07or uh any of the other ones um anyway i'll just leave a quick message because uh you might be
17:11trying to call me right now and i don't want to tie up the line so i guess um uh i guess uh yeah give me
17:18call um uh okay i'm hanging up in uh three two one okay call me back i'll be here all day
17:30and tonight okay bye
17:35uh hey me again i thought i might have heard a voice when i was hanging up
17:39nope i guess not okay i will talk to you soon hello nope sorry
17:44hey babe just uh trying you again listening to our guy coltrane you know it's okay uh anyway i got
17:54a fax uh earlier about cheap airfare to cancun uh i didn't know if that was you trying to reach me
17:59um uh you know let me give you my home number again just in case you lost it voicemail is full damn
18:08package for brooke roberts oh that's me thanks
18:10uh hey there me again uh your voicemail was full so i got you this answering machine
18:18so uh what's going on i was thinking about uh doing something tonight uh hey you're home
18:26listen brian i want you to leave me alone or i am calling the cops brooke i'm so in love with you
18:35oh oh oh oh oh oh chris where the hell are we i told you doug this is the bacon factory
18:51doctor i need you to get rid of this yet you traitor oh that's a doozy i bet some of those awful kids at
18:57school call you zit face no papa's it no plus peak no fat ass oh yeah oh that's terrible well we're
19:04gonna have to use some cortisone on that oh yeah two can play at that game
19:10don't think i won't do it man all right all right let's all be cool here
19:15you okay fat ass
19:32she told me she loved me on what used to be a hit tv show i can't believe i got sucked into that phony
19:39reality world just like everyone else i became the very thing i was mocking oh i know it hurts now
19:44brian but look at the bright side you have some new material for that novel you've been writing
19:49you know the novel you've been working on you know the one you've been working on for three years
19:56you know the novel you've got something new to write about now you know maybe uh maybe your main
20:03character gets into a relationship and suffers a little heartbreak something like uh what what you've
20:11been you've just been through draw from a real life experience a little uh little heartbreak you know
20:18work it into the story make those characters a little more three-dimensional a little richer
20:24experience for the reader make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to
20:30happen some twists and turns little epilogue everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one
20:38yeah i look forward to reading it
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