- 4 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00Wilders
00:01:04aj deinen
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street, we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16The girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26Jesus! God is Lord!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, he'll be standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no. And he'll be really deaf standing here.
00:02:13Come on. Come on.
00:02:14You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24But I feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:51Thanks. Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:59About as much as Mountsy-Tung's grandad.
00:03:01With all due respect.
00:03:03To his grandad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:07You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:10There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:51Come on.
00:03:52I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:07Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Jeffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:24Don't you worry.
00:04:25Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:26Don't you worry.
00:04:27Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:29Every single time.
00:04:30Don't you worry.
00:04:31Don't you worry.
00:04:32Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:36Every single time.
00:04:37Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:43Every single time.
00:04:44Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:49But they go together fine
00:04:53Every single time
00:04:59First you're up there
00:05:04On another plane
00:05:06And then you're nowhere
00:05:08And the tears are raining down
00:05:13It's a runaround
00:05:17Love and rainy weather
00:05:23Sure can get you down
00:05:28Now going twisting tonight then?
00:05:37That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What?
00:05:41Cutting a rug
00:05:42Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight
00:05:52Right
00:05:53Right on
00:05:55You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:57Tonight?
00:05:58Tomorrow night?
00:05:59Every night
00:06:00You might sell me overcoat
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know
00:06:05Mildred
00:06:07Mildred, don't hassle the lad
00:06:08Hassle
00:06:09It's a different world today, Mildred
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost
00:06:17They do their own thing
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight
00:06:22Now that's the new world that we work for
00:06:26And fought for
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception
00:06:31It's his birthright
00:06:32I'm not hungry
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable
00:07:05No, really
00:07:07I really do
00:07:08Some people don't
00:07:11I do
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell
00:07:18And invite you to the pictures
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your six old levels
00:07:29You were terrific in the pictures
00:07:33I never touched you
00:07:35Terrific self-control
00:07:37What did you say your name was?
00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I do with you Paul
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend
00:08:07A disgusting one
00:08:10Night-night
00:08:14Percy Filth
00:08:17Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault
00:08:29It's just that I don't like blondes
00:08:32It's psychosomatic
00:08:37I'm sorry
00:08:41Ah
00:08:46Oh Sandra
00:09:04It is almost blonde in this light
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all
00:09:18Before we hurt each other too much
00:09:22It's our first date
00:09:24I've probably wasted your entire evening
00:09:29Haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight
00:09:34Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went
00:09:44Overnight
00:09:45Overnight
00:09:45That was when you were too young for this sort of thing
00:09:48It's artistic mother
00:09:50Like your Tutankhamen butter dish
00:09:53What?
00:10:04Got it
00:10:04Got what?
00:10:06You now ask
00:10:07If I never want to see you again
00:10:09I say I do
00:10:10You then stop crying
00:10:12Quick as a flash
00:10:13And say something like
00:10:14How about Sunday
00:10:15Half seven
00:10:16Outside Central Library
00:10:17No I don't
00:10:18Tomorrow
00:10:20Half seven
00:10:20Outside Central Library
00:10:21Then when I say okay
00:10:24Does your zip
00:10:25Miraculously undo
00:10:26It does not
00:10:27I thought it did
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing
00:10:37And cooking
00:10:38And cleaning
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her mother
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career
00:10:45We're just good friends
00:10:47Goodnight
00:10:49Miss Bardo
00:11:03Marry me
00:11:06You know what they say
00:11:10Once you've had a Manchester lad
00:11:13You never touch anything else
00:11:14About time and all
00:11:31Aye
00:11:31Aye
00:11:32Peace man
00:11:33Did you have a good time this night?
00:11:38Great
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied
00:11:40I say it in for a change
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done
00:11:56Paid him for a change instead
00:11:59Ticket! I ain't got me ticket!
00:12:20We're late already
00:12:21See you behind the goal then
00:12:24Ticket!
00:12:25Ticket!
00:12:26Ticket!
00:12:27Ticket!
00:12:28Ticket!
00:12:29Ticket!
00:12:30Ticket!
00:12:31Ticket!
00:12:32Ticket!
00:12:33Ticket!
00:12:34Ticket!
00:12:35Ticket!
00:12:36Ticket!
00:12:37Ticket!
00:12:38Ticket!
00:12:39Ticket!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her
00:12:43Snooty old bag
00:12:45Ticket!
00:12:46Ticket!
00:12:49Trendy
00:12:50Crimson shoes
00:12:51with bottle green socks
00:12:52Must be going to steady with a set of traffic lights
00:12:56Still, who else would have him?
00:13:01Anyway, they're all the same in the dark
00:13:02Rumor has it
00:13:03Rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night. You can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18Bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:30Hi.
00:13:31Didn't see you.
00:13:32You're going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not especially, no.
00:13:38You going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well...
00:13:42No.
00:13:43I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:47Shopping.
00:13:54I'm probably going to the pitchers tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:57Which?
00:13:58Which are you?
00:13:59Any.
00:14:00See you then.
00:14:01Tonight?
00:14:02Pardon?
00:14:03Oh, I...
00:14:04All right then.
00:14:05Right.
00:14:06Super socks.
00:14:08Did you see that?
00:14:09They're all on drugs.
00:14:10A lot of them.
00:14:11They're all on drugs.
00:14:12A lot of them.
00:14:13a lot of them.
00:14:14No!
00:14:15No clear.
00:14:16No clear.
00:14:17But no were ni fois!
00:14:18I didn't see the owner on legs.
00:14:19Yes.
00:14:20Right.
00:14:21Super socks.
00:14:22Socks?
00:14:23Did you see that?
00:14:24Yes.
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28.
00:14:46Did he score?
00:14:48Losing. 3-1.
00:14:58Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um...
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the, um...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:47Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:52You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:58Oh.
00:16:03Would you, uh...
00:16:05What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:08Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:12I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:13Geoffrey.
00:16:14She's a bird.
00:16:15You having a coffee with us?
00:16:16No thanks, kid.
00:16:17Neville's ravenous.
00:16:18You've just eaten.
00:16:19Oh, of course.
00:16:20Yeah.
00:16:21Yeah.
00:16:22Sorry.
00:16:23You see.
00:16:24What I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:25By implication.
00:16:26Probably by implication.
00:16:27Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:30You see.
00:16:31Yes.
00:16:32Was he the errand boy?
00:16:33Was he the errand boy?
00:16:34Was who the errand boy?
00:16:35Ken Thingy.
00:16:36He directed it.
00:16:37Oh, yes.
00:16:38I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:39I was thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:40No.
00:16:41No.
00:16:42No.
00:16:43No.
00:16:44No.
00:16:45No.
00:16:46No.
00:16:47No.
00:16:48No.
00:16:49No.
00:16:50No.
00:16:51No.
00:16:52No.
00:16:53No.
00:16:54No.
00:16:55No.
00:16:56No.
00:16:57No.
00:16:58No.
00:16:59No.
00:17:00No.
00:17:01No.
00:17:02No.
00:17:03No.
00:17:04No.
00:17:05No.
00:17:06No.
00:17:07No.
00:17:08No.
00:17:09No.
00:17:10No.
00:17:11No.
00:17:12No.
00:17:13No.
00:17:14No.
00:17:15No.
00:17:16No.
00:17:17No.
00:17:18No.
00:17:19No.
00:17:20No.
00:17:21No.
00:17:22No.
00:17:23No.
00:17:24No.
00:17:25No.
00:17:26No.
00:17:27No.
00:17:28No.
00:17:29No.
00:17:30that asked me to marry them a couple of dates and how they want to get married I
00:17:34want to live a bit before I get married I suppose I just don't have a hang-up
00:17:39about it get married hmm actually I find girls and most girls it is a bit
00:17:53obsessed these days marriage sex that's what I said oh well I'm not like that not
00:18:10as it felt motivated did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol Ken Russell yeah
00:18:30this is it I won't come in with it being our first date no anyway my mom's gone to bed
00:18:58we'd be on our own is that a reason for me not coming in now yes Geoffrey
00:19:03nice house thank you 25 year mortgage
00:19:18well thanks for seeing me home
00:19:24funny isn't it first date with someone it always leads to one of three things
00:19:33either nothing or something
00:19:37or everything
00:19:41well don't think about Percy Filth at this stage Peryl
00:19:45I'll give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females what is it three two seven double four two one the easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five which is two less than seven
00:20:03then two fours and half of four which is two and half of two which is one
00:20:10but you mustn't ring me if you don't want no but you can if you do do you want me to
00:20:12not if you'd rather not three two seven double four two one
00:20:31well hello
00:20:40well hello
00:20:56Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:23You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31Oh, these things. Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no-one.
00:21:47No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:59How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, uh...
00:22:06Does she, uh...
00:22:07What?
00:22:08What?
00:22:09Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:22:10Pfff!
00:22:11Pfff!
00:22:11Pfff!
00:22:11Wow!
00:22:12Pfft!
00:22:13Pfft!
00:22:14She doesn't, then.
00:22:16You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sundry?
00:22:20Pfft!
00:22:21Pfft!
00:22:22Pfft!
00:22:23Pfft!
00:22:24Pfft!
00:22:25Pfft!
00:22:26Pfft!
00:22:27Pfft!
00:22:28Pfft!
00:22:29Pfft!
00:22:30Pfft!
00:22:31Pfft!
00:22:32Pfft!
00:22:33Pfft!
00:22:34Pfft!
00:22:35I haven't seen him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no-one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:22:59Pfft!
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Did you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:12Are you?
00:23:14No.
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:20Pfft!
00:23:21Pfft!
00:23:22And that ends our pro...
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Good night.
00:23:33Good morning.
00:23:34Good morning.
00:23:35Good morning.
00:23:36Good morning.
00:23:37Good morning.
00:23:38Good morning.
00:23:39Good morning.
00:23:40Good morning.
00:23:41Good morning.
00:23:42Good morning.
00:23:43Good morning.
00:23:44Good morning.
00:23:45Good morning.
00:23:46Good morning.
00:23:47Good morning.
00:23:48Good morning.
00:23:49Good morning.
00:23:50Good morning.
00:23:54Good morning.
00:23:55Good morning.
00:23:56Good morning.
00:23:57Good morning.
00:23:58good morning.
00:23:59Good morning.
00:24:00Good morning.
00:24:10Michael Stapp, Pope.
00:24:11Long may it reign.
00:24:13Amen.
00:24:14What's going on?
00:24:15Pound's up again.
00:24:16on pounds up again oh god today's special bloody travelers jacks yeah
00:24:24suddenly everyone's going on holiday so does enjoy yourself while you're young
00:24:46why do we always do that 93 times a day we never see anything
00:25:16my timing not disturbing your singing i hope see jeffrey on sunday
00:25:22oh jeffrey that neville's the greatest
00:25:29is he dishy or is he dishy
00:25:36i'm considering packing jeffrey in one day it was enough why he's cancer and i'm libra
00:25:45it's that bad oh plus actually i'm slightly off the male gender at the moment
00:26:01five five which is which is three and two is five which is two less than seven which is
00:26:10oh
00:26:13i see the spanish police are throwing your lot out of ibiza bank clerks your lot football supporters
00:26:22hippies oh my lot
00:26:26at the third stroke it will be 7 22 and 40 seconds
00:26:30it will be 7 22 and 50 seconds
00:26:40that's it then fate all over by 7 23 precisely
00:26:48so what plenty more where she came from
00:26:51is that the speaking clock is that jeffrey is that beryl yes yes hi
00:27:13it's terrifically exciting isn't it getting to know a person fantastic
00:27:28i want to know all about you that's what it's all about
00:27:39for example with things in common already definitely
00:27:45like what
00:27:46we're enormously fond of animals right and we're both from manchester
00:28:00have you ever been abroad no
00:28:04have you no unless you count istanbul
00:28:08is that was it beyond belief i don't know i was only three
00:28:19do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before
00:28:22sometimes i do
00:28:26what now
00:28:29no just just sometimes
00:28:32yes i do
00:28:39such a lot isn't there in getting to know a person
00:28:49he was live and easy-limbed his stride quietly casual his eyes clear and confident and his
00:28:57strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed assured lopsided grin
00:29:07you know jeffrey you have a really lopsided grin really you know lopsided
00:29:15i don't think i have it's in the eye of the beholder
00:29:21see
00:29:23jeffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot
00:29:25he holds it down with his little finger
00:29:30it must be marvelous being a man
00:29:34it's okay i suppose
00:29:35men can do anything
00:29:37conquer everest
00:29:39do heart transplants
00:29:40become leader of the opposition
00:29:44anything
00:29:44jeffrey
00:29:53no spells no
00:29:56it's good for your circulation beryl
00:29:58read any women's magazine
00:30:00it's good for theirs too
00:30:01i'm not sure they recommend percyfilth on tuesdays
00:30:04i only see you on tuesdays and saturdays
00:30:07all saturdays
00:30:10beryl
00:30:15beryl
00:30:16oh jeffrey bobbles bumble
00:30:18oh beryl
00:30:19oh jeffrey
00:30:21oh beryl
00:30:23are you all right what exactly happened don't tell me
00:30:25i just had a sharper jack of dramatic irony
00:30:28pardon
00:30:34come back
00:30:35they're better
00:30:36it's better
00:30:36i'm okay
00:30:41i told you it's going to port
00:30:43it's not
00:30:44it's only the angels crying
00:30:55i know how they feel
00:30:58well don't blame me i haven't done anything
00:31:00that's true
00:31:03that's not true beryl i have apologized
00:31:06i keep going down on my knees when i'm talking to you
00:31:08independent observers think i'm training to be a cossack dancer
00:31:12it must be a bad line i can't hear you
00:31:14you'd better apologize again
00:31:18i apologize again
00:31:20gosh this lousy line
00:31:23i wonder if jeffrey would like to come to tea on sunday
00:31:28pardon
00:31:30pardon
00:31:32is that who i think it is
00:31:34no dear
00:31:41well isn't this nice
00:31:51sardine sandwich
00:31:53the old sardine
00:31:54yeah
00:31:56she's got her own trawler
00:32:03isn't it awful
00:32:05what
00:32:06i was speaking to jeffrey
00:32:08what's happening in the world i blame the politicians
00:32:11what for
00:32:12for what's happening in the world
00:32:18talk to her
00:32:21i can't speak portuguese
00:32:23tasty
00:32:26very in oil
00:32:28nice in oil she's got a bad leg
00:32:32the bread's extremely wholesome
00:32:34why after this little baker down the road he does something with the bleach
00:32:37you can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank
00:32:54start thinking about life after death
00:32:56what's happening in the world
00:33:00what's happening in the world
00:33:01oh that neville honestly
00:33:03number of hearts he must have broken every girl in manchester nearly
00:33:08jeffrey
00:33:09jeffrey definitely has
00:33:10probably even more
00:33:13air hostesses
00:33:16all sorts
00:33:18tell me about your terrible past jeffrey
00:33:20i haven't had one yet
00:33:22white man speak with forked tongue
00:33:24actually i was hoping more for a terrible future
00:33:33wow is that the time at this moment in time
00:33:36what have i done
00:33:38is neville the insanely jealous type
00:33:40right in the slightest
00:33:42you're lucky
00:33:43why is jeffrey
00:33:45wow
00:33:47you're not jealous of all my ex flames are you
00:33:50of course not why should i be
00:33:52please stop interrogating me jeffrey forget it
00:33:56that's all in the past
00:33:59they're nothing to be jealous about
00:34:03who needs drama
00:34:07so i shouted back at her
00:34:08no shop assistant shouts at me i shouted
00:34:10in the end neville nearly bolted me for swearing
00:34:14he thumped you
00:34:16walloped you on
00:34:18no
00:34:19i said nearly
00:34:23you never thump me will you like neville does sandra
00:34:27she adores it
00:34:28of course not
00:34:31no
00:34:34jeffrey
00:34:35turnsie filth isn't the only thing in life
00:34:37isn't even one of the things in mind
00:34:38you used to talk to me
00:34:40all right let's talk
00:34:46jeffrey i've just had the most super idea
00:34:48why is your mum going out
00:34:53i may as well pack in really
00:34:57why
00:34:57why not
00:35:03good thinking
00:35:10thanks for a stimulating few weeks
00:35:12you too it was real
00:35:14it's psychedelic
00:35:16you can keep me grateful dead lp was scratched anyway
00:35:18it's been a gas
00:35:20groovy
00:35:24i won't wave from the window
00:35:25no
00:35:25i won't look back anyway
00:35:27good
00:35:27it's been a gas
00:35:29you've said that once
00:35:30you're well red barrel
00:35:41there's plenty more fish in the sea
00:35:45about three very lonely sardines
00:35:51mother please don't try raising one eyebrow at me
00:35:53you know you can't do it
00:36:00you'll never thought of me will you jeffrey
00:36:05i just had the most super idea
00:36:07are we going to put it up
00:36:08no
00:36:09we're going to pack it in
00:36:10don't say that please don't say that
00:36:12that
00:36:15sandra
00:36:16sandra
00:36:17you're sandra
00:36:19mine
00:36:23two months
00:36:24two months nine days
00:36:28is she positive the test was
00:36:31what are you going to do
00:36:33she'll think of something
00:36:35sandra it's stupendous
00:36:39congratulations i hope you'll both be very happy oh thanks kid
00:36:44sandra i don't know how you do it
00:36:47morphe
00:37:17John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:47Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:53And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:10Oh hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:15Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:42And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:45Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:51Did she turn you on?
00:39:00Beryl?
00:39:01Yeah.
00:39:02I haven't really looked.
00:39:07You've seen one, you've seen them all.
00:39:10Not quite all.
00:39:11I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:12Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:13Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:16I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:17They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:18Yes they are.
00:39:19Mmm.
00:39:20Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:21Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:22Oh, no.
00:39:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:39:24Mm.
00:39:25Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:39:28Happy birthday.
00:39:29Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:32I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:38They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:41Yes they are.
00:39:42Mm.
00:39:44Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:47Was it?
00:39:48Mm.
00:39:50Terrific self control.
00:39:52Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:56Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:03and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink. I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:15Please! Don't! Please!
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:22Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old. He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:52What's your name again?
00:40:53What's yours?
00:40:54Rock.
00:40:55That's not you really.
00:40:56What's your name again?
00:40:57What's yours?
00:40:58Rock.
00:40:59That's not your real name.
00:41:00No.
00:41:01Stephen.
00:41:02Oh, God, that turns me on.
00:41:03Oh, God, that turns me on.
00:41:04Mm.
00:41:05Oh, God, that turns me on.
00:41:06Mm.
00:41:07Mm.
00:41:08Mm.
00:41:09Mm.
00:41:10Oh, God, that turns me on.
00:41:14Mm.
00:41:15Mm.
00:41:16Mm.
00:41:17Mm.
00:41:18Mm.
00:41:19Mm.
00:41:20Mm.
00:41:21What's yours? Rock. That's not your real name.
00:41:26No. Stephen.
00:41:29God, that turns me on.
00:41:38When I first met you in the street, I thought, just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:43Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:46Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.
00:42:16Testing. Testing. Oh, Geoffrey Milleharp returns to the day.
00:42:22I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:25I'm fed up.
00:42:30Who are you? Who are you?
00:42:34What are you fed up about?
00:42:38Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:41No. They just mark it. Anyone can mark it. They've got the answers.
00:42:48Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:42:50What's he doing here, then?
00:42:52I'm fed up.
00:42:53Who are you?
00:42:54Who are you?
00:42:55Who are you?
00:42:56Who are you?
00:42:57What are you fed up about?
00:42:58Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:43:00No.
00:43:01They just mark it.
00:43:02Anyone can mark it.
00:43:03They've got the answers.
00:43:04Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:43:08What's he doing here, then?
00:43:12Well, er, this is your uncle Stephen.
00:43:16This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:22How do you do?
00:43:23Don't me mum and dad know he's here.
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them.
00:43:28Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:36Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:41Do you?
00:43:43Say no.
00:43:44No.
00:43:45I don't.
00:43:46Say yes.
00:43:47Shall I tell you?
00:43:48He knows.
00:43:49The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:53And there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:58And they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:02Who told you that?
00:44:04Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:07One of them fertilizes with the female egg.
00:44:09The others don't bother.
00:44:11Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:13Then you have a baby.
00:44:16Did they teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:20People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:24But animals, like dogs and cats and giraffes, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:31No, erm, that's people.
00:44:35What is?
00:44:38Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:50In the next class you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:53Good night, Jeremy.
00:44:5725p?
00:44:5950.
00:45:0050.
00:45:0150.
00:45:12Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:13Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:14Hey, Veronica!
00:45:15Yes?
00:45:16Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:19A friend of Jeremy's!
00:45:20He's going now.
00:45:22Goodnight, love.
00:45:23Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica!
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.
00:45:44Good night, love.
00:45:48We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:49And how.
00:45:53You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:21The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:26This time tomorrow, I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:36Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:41We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44Well, we're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:46Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Good night, love.
00:46:54Try a barrel.
00:46:55Morning, previous generation.
00:47:19Morning, previous generation.
00:47:19Morning, previous generation.
00:47:19What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:38I'll take you out another night.
00:47:40Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain.
00:47:56No, Dad.
00:47:56Well, last night was different.
00:47:59I knew you'd understand.
00:48:26I knew you'd understand.
00:48:29Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Long me around.
00:48:32Amen.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:53Hey, lads.
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:03Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:21He'll see me.
00:49:23It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see other girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:04Finally splitting up.
00:50:07He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:16Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:28She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy nine again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:38Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi.
00:50:51Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl, baby.
00:51:31What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:38Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's a story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:51:57Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:07Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:31So I cut off, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:51I don't know.
00:52:52I'm sorry.
00:52:55I'm sorry.
00:52:58I no understand English.
00:53:01Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:39Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:43If so, what's death?
00:53:48Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:26Ciao.
00:54:28I'm really dirt cheap.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:32What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cassinova.
00:54:43What's that like?
00:54:45What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:48Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-grittiesville.
00:54:59Whittiesville, okay?
00:55:00Mm.
00:55:01Mm.
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:14What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate, a dog's license, whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a wide wedding.
00:55:26Really basic?
00:55:27You want to be really basic?
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Bulls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:33Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Bulls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:54What?
00:55:55Bulls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything, freedom from all-male chauvinists, pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberated society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:17Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, you've not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:31Huh?
00:56:32Oh, wow.
00:56:40We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52Now.
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:04What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:08Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:56Yeah.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:03Yeah.
00:58:04I should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:34I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:54Do you know...
00:58:55Come on, Beryl.
00:58:56She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Jeffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:15Usually.
00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:34Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Geoffrey?
00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs...
01:00:00That's better.
01:00:02It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:13Call Dr. Wise, put a quillms low road.
01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:28This grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:35It was the real thing.
01:00:39From the front lawn.
01:00:40Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:06Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:09Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:12That's good.
01:01:13Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:35I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:44I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:01:54Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I then?
01:02:18Let's check on,1.
01:02:36puedo.
01:02:38I am.
01:02:39I am.
01:02:41I am.
01:02:43I am.
01:02:44I am.
01:02:45I am.
01:02:46I am.
01:02:46Oh, Burl, Burl.
01:03:11Oh, Burl.
01:03:17Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Burl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:41Hello.
01:03:44Ta-ra.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Burl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21It's been a big part of my home at the school.
01:04:25It's the first time I've got my home at the school, I almost forgot.
01:04:30I'm getting it.
01:04:33I'll find out.
01:04:34I'm happy.
01:04:35I'm getting my mum.
01:04:36I'm getting my mum.
01:04:38I'm happy.
01:04:39I'm happy.
01:04:40I'm happy.
01:04:41I'm everywhere.
01:04:42Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:07Yes. You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:37Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:42Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:51Me? A football match? With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:56Told you.
01:05:58Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:07In the co-op.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:28Drawn five.
01:06:33So what do you think?
01:06:36I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Yeah.
01:07:02Never mind.
01:07:03It's only a game.
01:07:04I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:20I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:23We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:25Read any colour supplement.
01:07:27Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:29I am, love.
01:07:30And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:33You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:36even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:38Yes.
01:07:39Well, er, boys are very...
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:43That's what I said.
01:07:46I don't mean, er, permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:54Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:00Do what?
01:08:01What you just said.
01:08:02Good.
01:08:03Not too much, I hope.
01:08:04Oh, God.
01:08:05Boys are very funny.
01:08:06They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:08Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:22Oh.
01:08:26Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29Fantastic.
01:08:37The Cowgills.
01:08:39Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:41Married couple.
01:08:44Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:48You go bald doing that.
01:08:50Doing what?
01:08:52I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:08Living in sin.
01:09:12Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:15If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:34Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:37Oh.
01:09:38I wouldn't say that.
01:09:40I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:45What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:09:55All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:09I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:18Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:23For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:30No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:37I'm sorry.
01:10:40No-one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:49Who are you staring at?
01:10:50Hello?
01:10:51You all right, son?
01:10:52Terrific.
01:10:53Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:10:55Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:10:57Hmm.
01:10:58My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:00Oh.
01:11:01What's your theory?
01:11:02Indigestion.
01:11:03Oh.
01:11:04Oh.
01:11:05What's your theory?
01:11:06Indigestion.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:09What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:10Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:11He has said one thing.
01:11:12Who?
01:11:13What's that?
01:11:14If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:15All right.
01:11:16The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:22Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:25Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:30And what N.O. spells.
01:11:31And what N.O. spells.
01:11:32Great!
01:11:33I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:34And so society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute. End it now.
01:11:59Good night.
01:12:00Hear, hear.
01:12:01Good, weren't they?
01:12:02Good, weren't it?
01:12:04Terrific. Especially when he said goodnight.
01:12:07We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:18and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:26You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:32That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:37Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:48Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:51You join a marriage bureau,
01:12:53and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:57Then we'll both be happy. Right?
01:12:59Right.
01:13:00You're Jesus Christ, superstar. Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:06Hands up again.
01:13:07See you tomorrow.
01:13:09Where do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34Says we can talk.
01:13:35What?
01:13:42Had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:50Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United,
01:13:53and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:13:59Weird, isn't it?
01:14:00The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:14I do.
01:14:24See what I...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:28Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:31Beryl.
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:47happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:57No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:27Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:41No.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:48If there isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:53It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:15I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:35I like your mother.
01:16:36Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:01I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:15You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:27That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really loveable.
01:17:38I never knew you thought that.
01:17:40Neither did I.
01:17:42I do now, though.
01:17:44Used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:45Used to say all sorts of things.
01:17:46There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:17:49There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:17:54There's a lot about me.
01:17:55There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:17:56There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:01There's a lot about me.
01:18:02There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:06There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:08There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:13Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:43Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:02So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits, and what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:14A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know.
01:20:27Spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crotch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:04It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:30Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Bride parents.
01:21:44Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:56It's all over now, by the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President Nick, somewhere to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:24Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:43We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:04My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:18I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:44In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:54and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:09Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16Thank you very much.
01:24:46Oh, hello Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:16It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:17It's the same thing.
01:25:18It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:19It's the same thing.
01:25:21It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:22It's the same thing.
01:25:23It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:25It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:26It's the same thing.
01:25:27It's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:40Hi!
01:25:42When's the kick-off?
01:25:45In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:53I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:01I don't know.
01:26:05I could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you?
01:26:12Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:15Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:18Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:20May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:25Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:28Yeah, I did.
01:26:36Wish we had a ball.
01:26:39I could play shooting in.
01:26:43You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:06We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:07Anyone, really.
01:27:08Anyone, really.
01:27:09There's millions to choose from.
01:27:10Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:35All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:05Lancet!
01:28:11Lancet!
01:28:13Lancet!
01:28:14And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:11Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:33Or the sun
01:29:39Love and rainy weather
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