- 7/14/2025
When Joey goes to Hollywood to pursue his dream of being an actor, he meets his nephew Michael and ends up sharing a unique camaraderie with him.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, Bobby, I just got your message.
00:04I can't believe they want me to be on Inside the Actor's Studio.
00:06It's a real honor.
00:08I'm so proud of you.
00:09Why don't we talk about what clips you're going to use on the show?
00:11Well, yeah, actually, I had kind of a cool idea.
00:13I thought the aspiring actors in the crowd
00:15might like to see some of my unsuccessful auditions.
00:19That way, it'll show them that even a great actor
00:21doesn't always get every part he's up for.
00:23Joey Tribbiani, King Kong screen test.
00:26Action!
00:30Sir, sir, you know you're not reading for the part of the ape.
00:41Yeah, that one wasn't as good as I remembered it.
00:43Here's a good one, here's a good one.
00:45Joey Tribbiani, Capote screen test.
00:50I'm Truman Capote.
00:52I understand that you and your brother
00:54were involved in a heinous crime.
01:00Batman begins screen test.
01:05Action!
01:06Who are you?
01:09I'm the Batman.
01:11I'm bringing Gotham Dark justice.
01:15Boy, I really locked into that Capote voice.
01:19I like it!
01:20You want to be all right, you got to watch it.
01:46Come on!
01:47Hey, what should I say when James Lipton asked me this question?
01:58If there is a God, what do you want him to say to you when you get to heaven?
02:01How about,
02:02Hi, Joey.
02:03I'm God.
02:04Can you teach me how to be awesome?
02:05That's not bad.
02:08Don't you ever get nervous speaking in front of a group?
02:13No.
02:13For the first time in my career, I have to give a closing argument on Monday and I'm freaking
02:17out.
02:18Well, I'm an actor and I actually have a proven cure for stage fright, although it is somewhat
02:24sexual in nature.
02:25What is it?
02:26Having sex.
02:28Billy?
02:28You should know, I've helped a number of actresses get over their stage fright.
02:32A Night With Me has also been known to cure a fear of flying and in one instance, appendicitis.
02:38Well, I appreciate the offer, but I told you, I need more time.
02:41I'm not ready to be more than friends right now.
02:43Bitches, huh?
03:00Hey, just a second, I'm on the phone.
03:02I just got to talk.
03:03She'll call you back.
03:05What's up with us?
03:06What?
03:07I like you.
03:08Do you like me?
03:09Well, yeah.
03:10Then why aren't we doing this?
03:11Well, as I've told you, I've been through a lot in this last year, and the women on my
03:16online divorce message was...
03:17Too many words.
03:20What?
03:20Nothing that means anything takes that many words to say.
03:23Try it again.
03:25Okay.
03:26I've had a lot of complicated feelings to process, and my emotion...
03:30What are you doing?
03:32Because of the passage of time, I now have a long beard that I'm stroking sarcastically.
03:38We don't exactly have the best track record with women, and what if it didn't work out,
03:43and we end up hating each other?
03:44But we want to be together.
03:46It'd be crazy if we didn't at least try.
03:49Now, come on.
03:49Just go on one date with me.
03:51I'll take you to inside the actor's studio, and then after that we'll go out, and I'll show
03:54you how great you and me could be.
03:58Okay, but I just think...
03:59No, don't think.
04:02Just do it.
04:05All right?
04:06It's actually a pretty catchy slogan, huh?
04:08Don't think!
04:13Sit down.
04:15All right, I got something I want to talk about.
04:18You know how much I love your sister, your mother.
04:20I mean, I love her so much, I just want to chop her head off and jump off a cliff with it.
04:24So what I'm saying is, I've decided to ask her to, uh, to marry me.
04:31Oh, wait, wait.
04:32You know how much I hate this, all right?
04:33So I'm going to give you guys exactly five seconds to be emotional starting now.
04:37Oh, my God!
04:38Oh, my God!
04:38Oh, my God!
04:39Oh, my God!
04:39Oh, my God!
04:39Oh, my God!
04:39Oh, my God!
04:40Oh, my God!
04:40Oh, my God!
04:40Oh, my God!
04:40Oh, my God!
04:40Oh, my God!
04:41Oh, my God!
04:45So do you have a ring?
04:46Well, I mean, that's the thing.
04:47There's a ring on my family, but my mom won't die.
04:49So, you know, I'm going to have to buy the thing on my own.
04:52The trouble is I'm having a little trouble scraping together the money, you know?
04:55Well, if you need cash, you can sign up for these clinical trials my friend at school runs,
04:58just, like, trying new medications for, like, heartburn and allergies and stuff.
05:01You can make some good money.
05:02All right, sign me up.
05:03All right, great.
05:04I'll call it.
05:04God, you know, I've always dreamt about my parents getting married.
05:07You know, I, uh, I have my own ring bearer pillow.
05:09Hint, hint.
05:10Call your friend!
05:15Jimmy Costa, come on in.
05:17Is this your partner for the drug trial?
05:19Partner?
05:20No, no, no, no.
05:21I'm just his ride.
05:22Uh, well, we're only accepting applications in pairs so you can check each other's reactions
05:25to the medication.
05:29Really?
05:32What, is this going to mess me up?
05:33Like, is there anything I can't eat while I'm on this medication?
05:35No, you should eat exactly as you have been.
05:38Wow, that seems really unsafe.
05:42So, we're testing a new antidepressant today, and we're offering $2,000 for one week.
05:48Now, if you'd like to participate, I need you to consent to a quick psychological test.
05:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52For two grand, you can drill a hole in my skull and touch my brain with your finger.
05:59Do it!
06:00Why don't we start with you?
06:03This is a simple Rorschach test.
06:05I'm going to show you a series of inkblots, and I want you to tell me what they look like
06:09to you, okay?
06:10Got it.
06:11Got it.
06:11And don't censor yourself at all.
06:13Whatever these shapes remind you of, no matter how bizarre, that's what I want to hear.
06:16Oh, yeah.
06:17No filter.
06:17Inkblot.
06:24Could you be more specific?
06:25Right.
06:26Sorry.
06:27Black inkblot.
06:29Stain.
06:31Blob.
06:32Blob making a stain on an inkblot.
06:35Man, I have got some stuff going on up here.
06:37The year was 1996.
06:46Benjamin Netanyahu was elected prime minister of Israel.
06:49Scientist Dr. Ian Wilmot successfully cloned a sheep named Dolly.
06:54And American television viewers were paid a house call by Dr. Drake Ramore.
06:59Is the good doctor in?
07:07May we speak to him?
07:11Hello?
07:13No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
07:16Hello?
07:17That's it.
07:18That's how we talk.
07:20Tell me something.
07:21When the cameras are on, at the moment of creation, what's going through your mind?
07:28Nothing.
07:32Because you're so in the moment.
07:36Could you do it now?
07:37Think of nothing for us.
07:49Students?
07:51Nothing.
07:51Oh, uh, I also have another trick that I use.
07:59Um, once I've drawn you in with my intensity, my eyes will never let you go.
08:04Like Michael Caine, I never blink.
08:06Watch.
08:13See that?
08:14Mm-hmm.
08:14I'm holding you.
08:16Mm-hmm.
08:17Good?
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:18You feel the power?
08:19Mm-hmm.
08:20Well, now it's time for the PIVO questionnaire.
08:25What is your favorite word?
08:27Funsational.
08:30Means awesome.
08:32Then this evening is funsational.
08:37What turned you on?
08:39I'm turned on right now.
08:41Joey, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
08:45Welcome to heaven.
08:46Here is your chocolate motorcycle.
08:47There's magic in you, Joey.
08:54Now, let's take some questions.
08:56Hi, Joey.
08:57I guess my question for you is, when we went out, why didn't you ever call me back?
09:04I've never seen this woman before in my life.
09:07So why don't you go back to Pasadena, Jackie?
09:08My question is kind of a follow-up to the last one.
09:14What kind of a guy sleeps with a girl and then sneaks out of her bathroom window?
09:18Uh, clearly you have me confused with someone else, because that never happened.
09:25I have a question.
09:28How many women here have you slept with?
09:30Just those two, I think.
09:32Uh, hands are raised.
09:34I count, uh, 14.
09:37You're three ahead of Gene Wilder and 150 behind Johnny Depp.
09:40So, he just lied to you, and then he never called you again?
09:44Oh, yeah.
09:45That's Joey.
09:46He makes you feel like you're special, and then he's on to the next girl.
09:49Then is that what happened with all of you?
09:53No, no, no questions between each other.
09:55Let them stop them.
09:56Somebody do something.
09:57Could you please explain how you managed to overcome your handicap of being so handsome?
10:02Not now, Howard.
10:09Alex is pretty upset about last night, huh?
10:11Oh, God, it was awful.
10:13I can't believe how many angry women were there that I'd slept with.
10:17Hey.
10:18Hey.
10:19Did you take your pill today?
10:20Yeah, you?
10:21Yeah.
10:22I don't know, I feel like they're really working on me, you know?
10:24I feel so relaxed, contented.
10:27The great cloud is lifted.
10:31How you doing, buddy?
10:39Have these pills been ruining your sex drive at all?
10:41That's a side effect?
10:44Yeah.
10:45Gina and I haven't done it since I started taking this stuff, but, you know, I can't tell her
10:49because I want the ring to be a surprise.
10:52Is this where you're meeting your whore?
10:53At my brother's house?
10:55I told you, there's nobody else.
10:57Then why won't you sleep with me anymore?
10:58I have tried everything that usually turns him on.
11:00I have slapped him.
11:02I have insulted him.
11:03Watch this.
11:04Die!
11:05Die!
11:07Gina, when you choke me, it hurts my feelings.
11:12I give up.
11:13That's about as sexy as I get.
11:19So this sex drive thing, it hasn't affected you at all?
11:22Come on, Jimmy.
11:23They don't make a drug strong enough to kill my sex drive.
11:27Now, if you excuse me, this month's Playboy has an interesting Q&A with Alan Greenspan.
11:34Oh, my God!
11:36I can't picture boobs!
11:39What do boobs look like?
11:43He can't be having side effects.
11:45What do you mean?
11:46My friend told me she put him in the placebo group.
11:48Like, this is all just the power of suggestion.
11:51Hey, Joe.
11:51What?
11:53It says here side effects include dry mouth.
11:56I know.
11:58My mouth, it's like a desert.
12:00Oh, and dizziness.
12:02Oh, my God, the spitting.
12:08Alex, I know you're in there.
12:09Stop ignoring me.
12:12Okay, fine.
12:14I'm going on a hunger strike until you come out and talk to me.
12:27Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.
12:31Joey, can we not do this right now?
12:32No, we need to talk about last night.
12:35Last night, you told me I was going to get to see what it was like to be with you.
12:38Those girls showed me.
12:39I don't want to end up like them.
12:41But you're different.
12:42That's what you said to Christine.
12:44Now you're confused, okay?
12:45None of those girls were named Christine.
12:47Two of them were named Christine.
12:50Wait, wait, wait.
12:51Look, I admit, okay?
12:53With those girls, I might have been a tad mendacious.
12:58I learned that from Lipton.
12:59I know it means something bad, because the next word he used was ass face.
13:03But, Alex, you can't compare yourself to those girls.
13:06You and I were friends first.
13:07I really care about you.
13:09And that is exactly why it would hurt so much if it didn't work out.
13:13Look, I'm the only one taking a risk here.
13:15You must have hurt hundreds of women.
13:17I've hurt zero men.
13:19I just...
13:19I don't like my odds.
13:21Joey, you need to talk to your friend.
13:29Why?
13:29What's going on?
13:30After three days, I finally get him into bed, and he spends the whole time holding me.
13:35The hell is that?
13:39Look, Jimmy, this isn't worth it.
13:40You either got to tell her what you're doing, or get the money some other way.
13:43I'm not so sure I even want the money anymore, man.
13:45I'm having second thoughts about proposing.
13:48What?
13:48Why?
13:49I don't know.
13:49A few days without sex, it's like Gina and I got nothing else in common.
13:52I mean, we don't have enough to build a lifelong relationship on.
13:55Oh, Jimmy, what are you talking about?
13:57I don't know.
13:58What if the spark goes away for real?
13:59You know, what if she loses interest in sex?
14:02What if I'm on the high seas and a swordfish gores my testicles, rendering me impotent?
14:07Jimmy, we're all afraid of that.
14:09There's Alex.
14:13I got to go talk to her, okay?
14:18Hey.
14:19Hey, look.
14:20I understand your concerns about my past, so I have decided to change.
14:25As a first step, I threw my little black book in the dumpster out back.
14:29Really?
14:29Yeah.
14:30Some homeless guy has no idea he's about to get Tara Reid's phone number.
14:35But you can't just erase your past just because you threw away some book.
14:39Then tell me, what do you want me to do?
14:42I don't think there's anything you can do.
14:45I mean, if we dated, everywhere we'd go, we'd run into some random woman that you'd slept with.
14:51And I'm sorry, Joey, but I deserve better than that.
14:54Hey, Alex.
14:55I had a great time the other night.
14:57Oh, yeah.
14:58Hey, Barry.
14:58Hey, Barry.
14:59Hey, Barry.
14:59Hey, Barry.
15:09What was the other night?
15:12It was nothing.
15:13Oh, good.
15:14Well, as long as it was nothing.
15:15Barry!
15:16Oh.
15:16Hey, Barry!
15:18Do you want to know who you are?
15:19No, no, no, no.
15:20Alex was just telling me about your hot date the other night.
15:23Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
15:26How do you guys know each other?
15:28Oh, funny story.
15:29She's a friend of mine, and she dated this guy in the building I'm about to punch in the face.
15:35What?
15:36Hey, meathead, you're the guy.
15:37Get out of here!
15:45You seeing someone else?
15:46I don't understand.
15:48I want to be with you, but you asked me to wait, so I try to be a good guy and give you your space, and that's what you do?
15:55I wasn't...
15:56No, Alex, you're worried about women from my past, but you're dating someone right now behind my back?
16:02The mendacity!
16:05Yeah!
16:13Man, am I glad that drug test is over.
16:15Those things were killing me.
16:16Hey, did you know Michael told me that I was in the placebo group, and he said that all my side effects were just, like, the power of suggestion, but I don't think that can explain it.
16:25I think he can.
16:26Yeah, you're right.
16:29Hey, here comes Gina.
16:30Do you know what you're going to do with her?
16:31No, man.
16:32I still don't know if we're meant to be together.
16:35Hey.
16:37So they had a cancellation at the shooting range.
16:38You want to come with me, or are you still on your period?
16:45You want to do that with me?
16:46Yeah.
16:47And you haven't been yourself lately, and I know I haven't been real understanding, but maybe you'd like to fire a weapon at something.
16:55That's exactly what I want.
16:58All right.
16:59I'll go grab my gun.
17:00It's in a brown paper bag behind Michael's dresser.
17:02You told me that was a bag of broccoli.
17:04Because I didn't want you playing with it.
17:05You see that?
17:09That was frickin' beautiful.
17:10You know?
17:10I don't know why I ever doubted her.
17:13Looks like I'm going back to the jewelry store.
17:15What do you mean, going back?
17:17I might have done something I regret while under the influence of antidepressants.
17:22Hey, guys.
17:25What is that around your neck?
17:26Oh, this?
17:27It's a pendant.
17:30It was a gift from Jimmy.
17:34It says, my daddy loves me.
17:38And I love him, too.
17:40Come here.
17:41Gina, what's the holdup on the gun?
17:52Hey.
17:54Hey.
17:56Look, I really need to talk to you.
17:57I talked to you about this berry thing.
17:59Great.
17:59Let's talk.
18:00He seems like a great guy.
18:04Look, he asked me out.
18:06And, you know, this thing with you is so complicated.
18:09I just thought I could use some distraction from this emotional...
18:12Stop stroking your fake beard.
18:16What I'm saying is we just went to dinner.
18:18Nothing happened.
18:20But if I hurt you, I'm sorry.
18:23You're the one who said we shouldn't be together because you were worried about getting hurt.
18:37And then I didn't get it.
18:39But I get it now.
18:41And you're right.
18:42It would be crazy for us to get together.
18:45Yeah, so we shouldn't do it.
18:47No, we shouldn't.
18:52But I want to do it anyway.
18:55What?
18:56It's a risk.
18:59But you're worth it.
19:00Joey, I want to be with you, too.
19:05But when I was in that audience and all those girls started standing up...
19:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:14Yeah.
19:15I have been with a lot of women.
19:19I mean, a lot.
19:20Okay.
19:21A lot, a lot.
19:22If you're waiting for a high-five, it's not coming.
19:28Wow, that's cold.
19:30But the point is...
19:33Because of them, I know what I want.
19:37And it's not them.
19:40It's you.
19:42And, yeah, maybe it would be stupid for us to get together.
19:46But, Alex, we'd both be taking a chance here.
19:50Let's do it together.
19:56Do something stupid with me.
20:01I guess if I'm going to do something stupid, you're the guy to do it with.
20:09I'm the best.
20:20Okay.
20:30Well, this is great.
20:33Would you like to go out on that first date?
20:35Yeah.
20:36Oh, wait.
20:37I have to get up really early for that closing argument tomorrow, and I'm freaking out.
20:41Oh, nice.
20:42Hey, didn't you mention something about a proven cure for stage fright?
20:54I believe I did.
20:58Come on.
21:00Hey, wait, wait.
21:01Don't you have hay fever?
21:03Yeah.
21:04Well, this will take care of that, too.
21:05Hello?
21:17Tara Reid?
21:21My name's Howard Peckerman.
21:22You don't know me, but how'd you like to meet me at Houston's for a mojito?
21:28Great.
21:29I'll see you there.
21:30Yeah!
21:30Yeah!
21:34Press down!
21:35It's over!
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