- 2 days ago
When Joey goes to Hollywood to pursue his dream of being an actor, he meets his nephew Michael and ends up sharing a unique camaraderie with him.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Disgusting or wonderful?
00:26Hey.
00:28Morning, roomie.
00:30So, tell me about last night.
00:33What about it?
00:34I heard a girl's voice coming from your bedroom.
00:36Oh, uh, yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.
00:39Come on, stud.
00:40Shh.
00:41Ooh, is she still here?
00:43Wow, somebody's really taken to the bachelor life.
00:50Yeah.
00:52Morning, Joey.
00:54You spent the night in his room?
00:55Please tell me she didn't sleep in your bed.
00:57I slept on the floor.
00:58Don't worry.
00:59Not everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy like you.
01:02That was one drawing I did.
01:04What are you doing here?
01:06Well, two in the morning, I realized Michael didn't have his white noise machine, so I brought
01:10it over.
01:11He can't sleep without his sounds of the jungle.
01:13That's why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys.
01:17Wait a minute.
01:18Wait a minute.
01:19If Joey didn't let you in, how did you get in last night, Mom?
01:21I let myself in.
01:22You have a key?
01:23Yes.
01:24I made one for emergencies.
01:25When you turned down that hit show, it was a very dark time for you.
01:28I thought you might do something drastic.
01:30I wasn't going to kill myself.
01:32Really?
01:33Didn't even think about it?
01:35Mom, maybe you shouldn't have a key.
01:37I mean, the whole reason for this move is so I could have some independence.
01:40Yeah, and I don't know how comfortable I am with you just coming over whenever you want.
01:43I mean, what if I have a girl over?
01:44Yeah, what if I have one?
01:45Will you stop being silly?
01:46We're trying to have a conversation.
01:48Fine.
01:49If it's such a big deal, you can have the stupid key back.
01:57That was too easy.
01:58You have another one.
01:59Good job, Nancy Drew.
02:01Here.
02:03How many more do you have?
02:06We can do this all day.
02:07Come on.
02:15Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything gonna be all right, I've talked to you.
02:25Everything's gonna be all right now.
02:29I've talked to you.
02:31You wanna be all right, you've got to watch all.
02:34Yeah, I've talked to you.
02:37You wanna be all right, you've got to watch all.
02:45Hey, Alex.
02:49Hey.
02:49Look at you, all dressed for work.
02:52You know, I played a lawyer once, yeah.
02:54I object. No further questions.
02:56How can this be a jury of his peers
02:57when five of the jurors are androids?
03:01So the movie's in the future?
03:03No, no, this was like three years ago.
03:06Oh, my.
03:08Say, I hate to bother you with this,
03:09but my husband's out of town,
03:10and normally I would ask him,
03:12but what do you think looks better with this?
03:14Hair down or hair up?
03:16Uh, definitely up.
03:18Yeah, your hair is nice,
03:19but I like it better back so that I can see your face.
03:22Oh.
03:23Yeah, I played a husband once, too.
03:25Okay, thanks.
03:26Okay, thanks, yeah.
03:27Okay, right.
03:29Oh, my God, another one of these?
03:31What?
03:33A note from the super.
03:35No unsanctioned grills allowed.
03:37Please remove your grill from the patio.
03:39I can't believe this.
03:40How am I supposed to make a hamburger?
03:42Well, you could use a frying pan.
03:44Oh, don't.
03:44Just, just, don't.
03:47Does everybody get these notes?
03:49Yeah, yeah, the super's kind of a hard ass.
03:51Oh, you get a lot of notes?
03:53Me?
03:53No, but I don't do anything wrong.
03:55I'm kind of a good girl.
03:57Oh, I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing.
04:02Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.
04:05Yeah.
04:06And maybe don't even do it then.
04:08Okay.
04:08Okay, all right.
04:13Gina, huh.
04:14Haven't seen you in minutes.
04:17Don't worry.
04:18I'm just about to leave.
04:19I'm not going to bother you.
04:20Michael, your snack is ready!
04:23In a minute!
04:24I'm in the middle of something!
04:26Well, hurry up!
04:27I gotta get going!
04:28I'm so glad I moved out here!
04:35Here's your snack, baby.
04:36I gotta get back to the salon.
04:37Ooh, an hour and a half under the hairdryer.
04:40I hope someone's not dead!
04:44Can you believe her?
04:46She's here all the time.
04:48Yeah, well, she loves you.
04:50Yeah, but it doesn't even feel like I moved out.
04:52I thought living with you, we'd have this crazy single life.
04:54You know, the two of us out meeting girls.
04:57I mean, I know how you are with women.
04:59You do?
05:00Sure, it's the first memory I have of you.
05:02We came to New York for this big family party.
05:04All the girl cousins flocked to you.
05:06I mean, I know nothing ever would have happened with them.
05:08No, not even once before I knew that was wrong.
05:13I guess I just thought if I lived with you,
05:15then I'd have a chance to learn a few things.
05:17You know?
05:18Oh.
05:19What?
05:19That's really sweet.
05:20You want to learn stuff from your uncle?
05:22Well, yeah.
05:24That's new for me, you know?
05:25I've never been the one to teach someone something.
05:27I was always the one who...
05:29No, never learned anything either.
05:33So are we up to it?
05:34Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
05:36You came to the right guy.
05:37I have so much knowledge to give.
05:40I mean, you don't really have a dad around,
05:41and I don't have any sons.
05:45So we can go to a bar tomorrow night.
05:47Cool.
05:48I've never done that before.
05:49Oh, you'll have a blast.
05:51Yeah, I remember the first time I went to a bar and hit on girls.
05:54Were you my age?
05:55Close to it.
05:55What, like 18?
05:5711.
05:57Oh, I feel so lonely.
06:09Hello, handsome.
06:15Joey.
06:16Hey.
06:17How was school?
06:19Great.
06:19How was what you do?
06:21Fair information, I had a really big audition today.
06:26Oh, yeah?
06:27How'd it go?
06:28I don't know.
06:29I got lost.
06:31We got some more notes from the super.
06:33Oh, man.
06:34This guy will not leave me alone.
06:37Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard.
06:39Yeah, they can.
06:40I get it.
06:42Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire.
06:45Why not?
06:46Maybe because when it's wet, it's see-through.
06:50Hey, how about that?
06:51Yeah.
06:55Hey.
06:55Hey.
06:56Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill, so I made you a list of places around
06:59that make good burgers and also a couple of my favorite restaurants.
07:02And there's your pee-pee.
07:08This is great.
07:09Hey, thanks for doing this.
07:10Oh, say, Alex, have you met my nephew, Michael?
07:12Uh, not officially, no.
07:14It's nice to meet you, Michael.
07:15Yeah, golly, yeah.
07:16Uh, ha, hi, wow.
07:20That's clammy.
07:25Hey, why don't you save some of that magic for tonight?
07:31Hey, you know any of these places?
07:34Um, this is weird.
07:37What?
07:39The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the handwriting on the notes from the super.
07:42Check it out.
07:43It's the same.
07:44You know what that means?
07:46Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher.
07:51Uh, or...
07:53Uh, Alex is the super!
07:54Or Alex and the super have a secret...
07:57No, no.
07:58You had it.
07:59All right.
08:01Wait a second.
08:01Wait a second.
08:03If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me.
08:06That sucks.
08:10The same handwriting teacher.
08:15Oh, golly.
08:16Hi.
08:17Gee.
08:17Wow.
08:17God, it took you forever to get ready.
08:29Just like an hour and a half.
08:31Usually takes Mom like two hours.
08:33That is because she is a woman.
08:35Something which you are not.
08:38Well, you look really nice.
08:40I am also not a woman.
08:41We don't do that.
08:42But thanks, yeah.
08:45Okay, come on.
08:45Let's go.
08:46Great.
08:46Let me just make sure I got everything.
08:48I got some money.
08:49I got my fake ID.
08:51Oh, all right.
08:51Yeah, these are cool.
08:52Uh, some guys at Caltech made these.
08:54They're impossible to tell apart from the real thing.
08:55But I did have a little fun with it.
08:57Check out the name.
08:59Nils Bohr?
09:00The famous physicist.
09:01He developed...
09:02No, thanks.
09:02Nope.
09:02Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher, I feel like we should talk a little bit about your
09:09rap, okay?
09:11Okay.
09:11Now, we have to take your greatest weakness, your intelligence, and turn that into a strength,
09:17okay?
09:18Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?
09:20Uh, I know physics.
09:22Nope.
09:22Next.
09:23Uh, I enjoy cubing.
09:24What's cubing?
09:25That's when people share different strategies to solve Rubik's Cubes.
09:28Next.
09:29Uh, also speed cubing.
09:31Eh, eh, eh.
09:32Next.
09:33Uh, I-I-I'm pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.
09:37That's like stars?
09:38Right.
09:39Yeah, okay.
09:39Yeah, that could work.
09:41Yeah, yeah, okay.
09:42You take a girl outside, you-you show her the stars.
09:45Very romantic.
09:46Maybe it gets a little chilly.
09:48You slip your arm around her, huh?
09:50You're starting to feel like another teacher I had.
09:52Oh.
09:53Uh, he got fired.
09:54Oh, right.
09:56Are you ready?
09:57Yes!
09:57Let's go.
09:58All right.
09:59Hey, guys, it's me!
10:01What are we gonna do?
10:03She's gonna want to come with us.
10:04Uh, uh, uh, pretend we're not here.
10:07Hey!
10:10Don't make me use my key.
10:15Hey.
10:16Hey.
10:17Look at you two all dressed up.
10:20Where are we going?
10:21Uh, nowhere, nowhere.
10:22We're just hanging out.
10:23Just a quiet night at home, Ma.
10:25Well, I know you're going out, Michael.
10:27You got your shoulder pads on.
10:31You're not a woman from the 80s.
10:35So?
10:36What's going on?
10:37Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street.
10:41Sounds like fun.
10:42I'm in.
10:43Uh, yeah.
10:44I don't know.
10:45I'm not sure you should come, Mom.
10:47We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls.
10:51Oh, then you definitely want me there.
10:52I happen to be a great wingman.
10:54Remember when I hooked you up with Cousin Marie?
10:56Yeah, thanks a lot.
10:57You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?
11:02What's up?
11:02Come on.
11:03Let's go.
11:04This is going to be fun.
11:05The three of us out together.
11:07You know, I really think it might be better for the two of us to do this alone.
11:13Oh.
11:15Okay.
11:16I understand.
11:16No.
11:17Look, just for tonight.
11:18We can all do something tomorrow.
11:19Yeah.
11:21No, it's fine, really.
11:22I mean, if you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that.
11:26Mom.
11:32I feel terrible.
11:34I know.
11:35I know.
11:35You know, I forget how sensitive she can be.
11:44And classy.
11:58All right, great.
11:59I'll give you a call.
12:02End of that is how it's done.
12:05Wow.
12:06You got her number.
12:07That girl was gorgeous.
12:08Yeah, yeah.
12:08She lives in Long Beach.
12:10Where's that?
12:10You take the 10 to the 4 or 5 or the 710?
12:12Sorry, Betty.
12:13It's not to be.
12:15So how do the girls from L.A. compare to the girls from New York?
12:18Well, it's a little early, and I don't want to jinx it, but they may be trash here.
12:23All right, the first thing you want to do is find someone you're attracted to, right?
12:27Did you see anyone you like?
12:28Well, the lady bartender is certainly attractive.
12:30Oh, good eye.
12:32Good eye.
12:33No chance.
12:35Bartenders get hit on constantly, so there's a very high level of difficulty.
12:39You might want to start with that sorority girl over there whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.
12:43I don't think so.
12:46She doesn't look very smart.
12:47Oh, no.
12:48Maybe you won't co-author a book together.
12:53That girl, she looks interesting.
12:56Great.
12:57Okay.
12:57Go talk to her.
12:59All right.
13:00Here we go.
13:02You put them back in?
13:03Maybe someone here wants a woman from the 80s.
13:05Sorry, we got an anonymous call that you're underage.
13:10I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
13:11You got a call about me?
13:13Well, the woman said to look for the handsome genius accompanied by the Tony Danza-esque older gentleman.
13:20Gina.
13:21I can't believe this.
13:22Come on.
13:23Let's go.
13:24I was just about to score.
13:27Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza?
13:30Hey, good enough.
13:31Come on.
13:31I know I would be leaving here with you.
13:41Hey, guys.
13:42Are all the girls you picked up coming separately?
13:45I can't believe you.
13:46You called the bar?
13:48Why?
13:49Why?
13:49Because you shouldn't have been there.
13:51I never drank alcohol before I was 21.
13:57She's right.
13:58Yeah.
13:58I just...
13:59I can't...
14:01Never mind.
14:02No, no, no, no, no, Michael.
14:03You're upset.
14:04You tell your mother how you feel.
14:05It's just, okay, I wanted some time away from you.
14:08And I don't think that's too much to ask.
14:10You ruined my night, Mom.
14:12And Joey's.
14:12And that's selfish.
14:14Good, good.
14:14You're getting it out.
14:15What else?
14:15What else?
14:15I hate that you made me take flute lessons.
14:20Okay, we're going a little wide now.
14:21Let's bring it back.
14:22Bring it back.
14:24I just...
14:24I can't believe you couldn't give me one night on my own.
14:26Look, I'm sorry, but you have to understand, you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.
14:35Well, then you haven't had my monkey dream.
14:43I was afraid when you moved out, you wouldn't want me to be a part of your life anymore.
14:46And it would just be the two of you going out and having fun without me.
14:49And now that's what's happening.
14:50Hey, Gina, come on now.
14:51I just don't understand why I can't come, too.
14:54Aren't I a fun mom?
14:55Didn't I buy a case of beer for you and your friends on your 18th birthday, huh?
14:59Yeah, then you drank it yourself.
15:02And heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.
15:05Come on.
15:07Just give me a chance.
15:08Let's try it one night.
15:10It'll be an experiment.
15:11Like the thing you put in the fridge that Joey ate.
15:13Delicious.
15:17Okay, I guess we could try it.
15:18Plus, I can help you with the women.
15:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:22I'm actually handling that, all right?
15:24I'm kind of his teacher in that area.
15:27That must be a pretty involved course.
15:29How you doing?
15:30How you doing?
15:31How you doing?
15:39Worked on every one of your friends.
15:40Oh!
15:51Hey.
15:53Hey.
15:54I, uh, got another note from the super.
15:57What an idiot.
15:59Spelled unacceptable with two C's.
16:03That's how you spell unacceptable.
16:05Interesting that you'd know that.
16:06Oh, so how are you?
16:10You doing well?
16:11Yeah, I'm fine.
16:12Really?
16:12Just fine?
16:13You're not great?
16:14Or, say, super?
16:17All right, Joey.
16:18What's up?
16:18I'll tell you what's up.
16:19Your game is over, okay?
16:21You can't fool me.
16:21I know you're the super.
16:22Or his handwriting teacher.
16:27The super?
16:28Where did you even get that?
16:29Okay, enough.
16:30If you don't admit you're the super right now,
16:32I'm gonna...
16:33I'm gonna break this chair.
16:36Okay, all right, fine.
16:37I'm the super.
16:37Ma-ha!
16:38Oh!
16:40I am really worked up right now.
16:44Well, now you know.
16:45It's out in the open.
16:46So why did you lie in the first place?
16:47No, I didn't lie.
16:48You never asked me directly,
16:50and I just didn't volunteer the information.
16:52Okay, the lawyer logic isn't gonna work with me, all right?
16:54Or any other kind of logic, for that matter.
16:59Look, I didn't tell you I was the super
17:01because I thought we were getting along, okay?
17:03Well, it felt good
17:04because everybody in this building hates me
17:06and my stupid notes.
17:08They...
17:09They call me the notesy.
17:15It's not funny!
17:17And the crazy thing is,
17:18it's not even my job.
17:19It's my husband's job.
17:20But he's away a lot, so I have to do it.
17:22And if I'm gonna do it,
17:23I'm gonna do it well.
17:24So I guess you're just gonna have to go ahead
17:26and hate me like everybody else.
17:29Hey.
17:32I don't hate you.
17:35You don't?
17:37You should.
17:39I mean, I leave these annoying notes
17:42and I made you take away your grill.
17:44Yeah, but...
17:46Look, I don't know many people out here, okay?
17:50I mean, I got my family,
17:51but they're kind of nuts.
17:53Okay?
17:54I could use someone normal,
17:56and you show a lot of promise.
17:58Really?
18:01That's so nice.
18:03I don't know what to say.
18:05I think I'm gonna cry.
18:06You have got yourself some mood swings.
18:12So, uh...
18:13Are we good?
18:15Yeah.
18:15Yeah, we're good.
18:19You want to give me another note, don't you?
18:21It's the last one.
18:22I promise.
18:22I mean...
18:23But I didn't...
18:26Oh, yes, I did.
18:27Yep.
18:34This is gonna be great, Michael.
18:36There are lots of cute girls here.
18:38Except for her.
18:39What a tramp.
18:40That's a mirror, Gina.
18:43I'm not talking about me.
18:48All right, Michael.
18:49First thing we gotta do
18:50is pick out some good prospects.
18:51Now, you're gonna want to play the numbers.
18:53What do you mean?
18:54Well, it's important to choose someone
18:56at the same level of hotness as yourself.
18:59You could go two points either way,
19:00but I wouldn't do much more than that.
19:02For example, I'm a nine, okay?
19:05So, I can hit on a seven
19:07or a hypothetical 11, okay?
19:12Another option for me
19:13is a four and a five, okay?
19:17Three threes.
19:18And I wouldn't recommend this.
19:21Nine ones.
19:23Okay, so what number am I?
19:27Six.
19:29Wow, honest.
19:31Okay.
19:31Okay, all right.
19:32Why don't you start with that seven
19:33right over there?
19:34She looks nice.
19:35You can't just send him out.
19:36He doesn't even know what to say.
19:37No, no, no.
19:37We covered that.
19:38Remember, Michael?
19:38Talk about the stars.
19:39Oh, honey.
19:40If you're gonna talk about the stars,
19:42I'm gonna have to downgrade you to a four.
19:45You got a better idea?
19:47Yes, I do.
19:48Does this place have a mechanical ball?
19:50Women really like to see
19:51how a man moves.
19:52Oh, I like him.
19:53Mom!
19:55All right, forget the stars, all right?
19:57On to plan B.
19:58The accidental bump.
19:59Ready?
20:00Oh, sorry.
20:01I...
20:01Oh, hi.
20:02Hi.
20:02Don't listen to him.
20:05You know, I think it'll be easier
20:06if you sit here
20:07and I bring you girls.
20:08What do you like?
20:09Big chest?
20:10You know,
20:11I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl
20:13and start talking.
20:14Okay.
20:15Just make sure you're nice to her.
20:16Yeah, but not too nice.
20:18Compliment her.
20:18Ignore her.
20:20Compliment her, then ignore her.
20:21Yeah.
20:23Okay.
20:24Make sure you ask her name.
20:25And then call her a different name.
20:28And make eye contact.
20:29Yeah, but don't stare at her.
20:31You wanna seem interested.
20:32But completely bored.
20:35Just be yourself.
20:36No, no, pretend to be somebody else.
20:38Okay, I think I'd like you to leave.
20:40What?
20:41Why?
20:41It's just, it's a lot of advice.
20:43It's putting a lot of pressure on me.
20:44And I think I'll just do better
20:46if I'm by myself.
20:48Oh, okay.
20:50Wow.
20:52Okay, I guess we better go.
20:56Damn it, that is me.
21:05I can't believe Michael's still not home yet.
21:08No, it's taken a while.
21:09Do you think that means he's scored?
21:12No.
21:16I really wanted to help him with this stuff,
21:18but it was hard.
21:20Can I tell you a secret?
21:23He's weird.
21:25Can I tell you a secret?
21:26I know.
21:28He's so different from us.
21:30I mean, can you imagine
21:31having trouble with the opposite sex?
21:34The only thing that ever slowed me down
21:35was that little bastard.
21:36And he's, he's so smart.
21:41Where's he get that from?
21:43I don't know.
21:44I mean, it's like he's some alien
21:45sent from another planet
21:46to make me feel stupid.
21:47Well, I'm here now, okay?
21:50So the dummies outnumber the aliens.
21:55I just, I feel bad, you know?
21:58I'm his uncle.
21:59I really want to help him with something.
22:00And then, if I can't help him with girls,
22:03I don't know what else I got.
22:04No, you are helping him.
22:06I mean, he's out on a Saturday night.
22:07Normally, he'd be at the library studying.
22:10Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library,
22:11I am going to kill him.
22:15Hey!
22:16How'd it go?
22:18I got a phone number
22:19from a solid five.
22:21So, you gonna call her?
22:29I think so.
22:30Call her now.
22:31No, no, no.
22:31Wait three days.
22:33Oh, you wanted to know you like her?
22:35No, play hard to get.
22:36Take her to dinner and a movie.
22:37Bring her a slice and some porn.
22:41Joey, that's disgusting.
22:43Worked on all of your friends.
22:44I don't know, Michael.
22:51I think this stars thing could work.
22:53Okay, I'll give it a shot sometime.
22:56Try it now.
22:59Come on.
23:01Okay.
23:02Well, um,
23:05that's the Perseus cluster.
23:07Okay?
23:07It's one of the most massive objects
23:09in the entire universe.
23:10Kind of makes you feel small, doesn't it?
23:12It does, Michael.
23:13Continue.
23:14Well, it's, uh,
23:18it's 320 million light years away.
23:20The universe is so vast and empty.
23:24Makes me glad that we have each other.
23:32What are you doing?
23:33I'm a nine.
23:38Professor, you're still there.
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